翻译 Annie 海顿 小羊
字 幕 侠
关注新浪微博 @FIX字幕侠
翻译 梅惜敛 豆和星星
THE SUB-MAN
校对 宇宙万宝路
原 创 翻 译 中英双语字幕
特效 Jason肖 压制 浅浅
♪ I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪
监制 宇宙万宝路 时间轴 阿布
THE SUB-MAN
原 创 翻 译 中英双语字幕
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!" ♪
♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪
♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪
南方公园 第二十一季 第３集 "佳节特辑"
南方公园小学
太过分了 This is an outrage!
这是对人权的侵犯 This a violation of our human rights!
哥们 发生什么事了 Dude, what the hell is going on?
你没收到通知吗 You didn't hear the announcement?
纪念哥伦布首次登上美洲大陆
他们取消了"哥伦布日" They just canceled Columbus Day.
我们下周一得来上学了 We have to come to school on Monday!
他们什么 They what?!
怎么能这样 我们都有安排了 They can't do this! We made plans!
有个傻逼说服校董会说 Some asshole went and convinced the school board
"哥伦布日"是种族歧视 应该被淘汰 that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated.
你不能夺走休假日 我们只是无辜的孩子 You can't take away a day off. We're just innocent children!
哥们 哪个傻逼会取消节假日 Dude. What asshole would take away a holiday?
我叫彼得·戈特曼 My name is Peter Galtman.
我是校历委员会主席 I am the head of the school calendar committee.
我决定学校 I have decided the school
今年不庆祝"哥伦布日" will not celebrate Columbus Day this year.
我知道这对很多家长来说都是敏感问题 I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families,
尤其是一位家长 but one parent in particular
凭他的激情动摇了我的观点... has really swayed my opinion with his passion...
那就是兰迪·马什 Mr. Randy Marsh.
马什先生对我指明了 Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy
纪念种族屠杀狂的伪善 of glorifying a genocidal murderer.
而马什先生当下正企图 And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working
把峡谷市的哥伦布雕像放倒 on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.
哥伦布
大伙 快来啊 Come on, everybody!
把这破玩意放倒 Let's take this fucking thing down!
放倒它 Take it down!
哥伦布是杀人狂 Columbus was a mass murderer!
毁了它 毁了它 Tear it down! Tear it down!
好吧 这样没用 Okay, it's not working.
我们就快成功了 各位 We almost got it, guys!
快 把绳子扔过来 斯坦 Come on! Throw the rope, Stan!
很好 很好 Good. That's good!
好 踩油门 尼尔森 Okay, hit the gas, Nelson!
各位 我们成功了 We got it, everybody!
下地狱吧 哥伦布... To hell with you, Columbus, you...
喂 哥们 Hey, dude.
哥们 你知道是你爸 Dude, did you know it's your dad
建议学校取消"哥伦布日"吗 who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day?
知道 哥们 但我不懂怎么回事 Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on.
他不是闹着玩的 He's really serious about this.
那你得做点什么 Well, you got to do something.
你要是让他放弃 If you get him to back down,
学校可能会重新考虑 maybe the school will reconsider.
我没法让他放弃 I can't get him to back down.
斯坦 我妈经常这样 Stan, I have to deal with my mom
我一直都在给她擦屁股 doing shit like this all the time,
但她从没想过取消节假日 but she's never tried to take away a holiday.
我是你的好基友 但他们要是知道这事 I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back
我就没法帮你了 when the guys find out about this.
我试试 好吧 I'll try, okay?
我得挂了 I got to go.
好 斯坦 手机准备好了吗 Okay, Stan. You got your phone?
我们要打给名单上的所有人 We need to call everyone on this list.
他们都住在同一个城市里 They all live in the same city.
爸爸 听着 你能冷静点吗 Dad, listen, you need to ease off a little here, okay?
斯坦 纪念一个为追求自我荣耀 Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man
抹杀上百万生命的人 who wiped out millions of people
是不对的 打吧 for his own glory. Let's go.
您好 请问是霍华德·彼得森吗 Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson?
您住在俄亥俄州的哥伦布市 对吗 You live in Columbus, Ohio. Is that correct?
对 你个种族歧视的垃圾 Yeah? You racist piece of shit.
你没听错 You heard me.
你就是头偏执的死猪 You're an intolerant pig.
你说你不是 Oh, you're not?
那你怎么住在拿种族屠杀命名的城市 You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing?
不 操你妈 No. Fuck you.
重新改个名吧 脑残 Rename your city, asshole.
喂 Hello?
好 下一个 斯坦 快打电话 Okay, next one. Come on. Get calling, Stan.
爸 拜托 Dad, come on.
我们明白你的意思 但你不觉得有些浮夸吗 We all get your point, but don't you think you're overdoing it?
当今社会中你必须浮夸 斯坦 You have to overdo it in today's society, Stan.
小动作和暗示都毫无作用 You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore
评论家只会说"哇 这有什么意义" or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?"
您是弗朗西斯·梅尔曼吗 Hi, Francis Melman?
你好吗 你个种族歧视蛆 Hey! How are you, you fucking racist?
克里斯托弗·哥伦布... Christopher Columbus...
一位开拓者 先驱 Explorer, pioneer.
他是应该被敬仰的人 Is he someone who should be appreciated?
还是个脑残呢 Or was he just a douche?
多年以来 哥伦布圆环都是纽约的 For years. Columbus Circle has been a landmark
地标和合影留念交叉路口 and photogenic intersection in New York City.
今天早些时候 So it came as a surprise
某人在雕塑上排便的行为令人震惊 when someone defecated on the statue earlier today.
我身边这位就是排便的当事人 I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating,
来自科罗拉多州南方公园镇的兰迪·马什 Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado.
晚上好 Good evening!
马什先生 你在这座被选作地标多年 Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on the beloved statue
众人敬仰的雕像上拉屎 that has been an icon here in the city for years.
你是怎么想的 What was your reasoning?
我就是对这座城里的种族歧视者感到不满 Well, I just have a problem with the racist people of this city.
"我可是来自纽约 "Yee-haw! I'm from New York.
我开车绕过了一个 I drive around a big circle
纪念谋杀美洲原住民的圆环 that celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans.
我真棒" Shoo wee!"
所以你的行为是为了土著人和 So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples
他们的感受吗 and their feelings?
不管他们是不是土著 I don't care if people get indigenous.
我都要拉他一雕像屎 I'll crap all over their statues.
就算有这座地标 我才是土著人 I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists!
情况就是这样 汤姆 Uh, uh... Ba-back to you, Tom.
凭什么 It ain't right.
他们让咱累成狗 They make you work like a dog
接着又随意取消了十月的一天假 and then just tear away your one day off in October
真当我们是翔 like you're a piece of trash.
伙计们 Hey, guys.
负分滚粗 没人中意你 斯坦 Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan.
我很尽力说服我爸了 好吗 Look, I tried talking to him, all right?
他就是想怼哥伦布干过的所有事 He's just really against all the things Columbus did.
有人知道哥伦布到底干了啥吗 Does anybody know what Columbus actually did?
当然 哥伦布在1492年为我们争取了一天假 Yeah. In 1492, Columbus got us a day off school.
这就够了 That's what matters.
不 等下 朋友们 也许就是如此 No. No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it.
我对付我妈的时候 When I'm dealing with my mom,
有时候站在她的角度思考真的有用 sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute.
也许我们应该找到所有 Maybe we should find out all the things
哥伦布冒犯大家的原因... people find offensive about Columbus and...
再装作我们很在意的样子 这点子不错 凯尔 And then totally act like we care. I like it, Kyle.
让我查一下"哥伦布 冒犯 煽动..." I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."
非常好 Yeah, this is sweet.
这让我想起一部电影 It's like that movie where
有个男的假装和恶魔一伙 the dude pretended to be on the monster's side.
就是一男的 还有个穿背心的妹子 You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on,
她的奶子汗湿到露点 but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them.
我爱死那电影了 Oh, I love that movie!
没错 这跟它很像 Yeah, this is a lot like that.
有啥发现 凯尔 What'd you find, Kyle?
没结果 Nothing.
我去 啥都没有吗 Dang it! There's nothing?
斯坦 能借一步说话吗 Stan, can I talk to you for a minute?
啥 什么情况啊这是 What? What? What the hell was that?
老爸 Hey, Dad?
没空 斯坦 Not now, Stan.
我在赶一份提案 I'm working on a proposal
要求加拿大英属哥伦比亚去掉哥伦比亚 to change British Colombia to just British.
但老爸 凯尔在INS上看到张图 But, Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram.
看起来貌似是你 It pretty much looks like you
在万圣节派对上扮成哥伦布 dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party.
你从哪儿看的 Where did you get that?
你要真这么讨厌哥伦布 为毛还扮成他 If you hate Columbus so much, why'd you dress up like him?
这都是侏罗纪的事了 好吗 Look, that was a long time ago. Okay?
不就是万圣节的戏服嘛 Just a dumb Halloween costume.
好吧 可... 这还有一张你在正式晚宴扮成哥伦布的照片 Yeah, but... here's you dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner,
还有这张 你在橄榄球比赛 and here's you dressed as Columbus
扮成哥伦布 at a football game.
你还在圣帕特里克节扮成哥伦布 And you as Columbus on St. Patrick's day.
够了 我那时只是个孩子 谁还没年轻过咋地 Look, I was younger! We were all younger.
时代不同了 It was another time.
你得知道 那可是2013年 You have to understand, it was 2013.
所有人都痴迷哥伦布 Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.
没错 但老爸 你好像特别痴迷哥伦布 Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.
如果你们能在网上翻到这些照片 If you guys found those pictures online,
其他人看到也只是时间问题了 it's only a matter of time before everyone else does.
他们不会管我现在的作为 People won't care about what I do now.
他们只会觉得 They'll just see me
我是个没脑的土著狗崽子 as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch.
兰迪 你介意应我要求去打扫车库吗 Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked?
有什么意义呢 莎朗 What's the point, Sharon?
他们很快就会来批斗我了 Soon they're gonna be coming after me.
嘿 你 Hey, you!
没错 就是你 That's right, you!
你难道不想了解自己的故事吗 Wouldn't you like to know the story of you?
你的本源 何在 What makes you, you?
基因与我
"基因与我"是一项助你 DNAandMe is a genetic service
精准定位你的祖先 that can help you find out
究竟是谁的基因服务 exactly who your ancestors were.
你可能会大吃一惊 You might be surprised.
我一直以为自己是纯种白人 I thought I was just a standard white guy.
可"基因与我"显示 But DNAandMe showed
我有4.2%的切罗基印第安血统[北美土著族] that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.
别找借口 只求成果
原来我不是纯种白人 Turns out I'm not totally white.
我有北亚 甚至一点库尔德血统[西亚最古老的民族之一] I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish!
我竟然是压迫的受害者 I'm a victim of oppression!
我以前常因说"黑鬼"而惹祸上身 I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" Word.
加入"基因与我"后 我发现我竟有2.1%的黑人血统 But with DNAandMe, I found out that I'm 2.1% black!
早安 史蒂夫 Morning, Steve.
早安 黑鬼 'Sup, nigga.
测试步骤很简单 The test is easy.
只需用棉签擦拭口腔内侧 Simply swab the inside of your mouth
再将它寄往我们实验室 and send it in to our labs.
人们嘲笑我是法国人 People made fun of me for being French.
"基因与我"显示我有8%纳瓦霍血统[美洲最大的土著族] DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo.
现在没人敢笑话我和族人 Nobody's making fun of me now,
因为我们都是受害者 or my people, who were victims.
我是13%的受害者 I'm 13% victim!
我是21%的受害者 I'm 21% victim.
血统
现在订购即可知道 Order now and find out
虹膜可能出现的颜色
你的朋友是否更应对你表示同情 if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you.
超级味觉者 可尝出苯硫脲苦味
咖啡因消耗量 可能消耗更多
脱发 不太可能变秃
乳糖不耐基因
"基因与我" 不来加入吗 DNAandMe. Are you in?
我特么来定了 Hell fucking yes, I'm in.
人都到齐了 我们开始吧 All right. Everyone's here. Let's do this.
给你 就按我之前说的 Here you go, just like I said.
一百块现金 不许提问 $100 cash. No questions asked.
成交吗 Are we good?
好 不瞎哔哔 很好 Good. No talking. Perfect.
行 咱速战速决 Okay. Let's get this over with.
多谢 Thank you.
这事儿不能告诉任何人 Do not talk of this to anyone.
好了 各位 感谢大家的到来 All right, everybody! Hey, thanks for coming.
能听我说几句吗 If, uh, I can have your attention, please,
我们准备好开始了 I think we're ready to get started.
马什先生 实际上 Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know
如果想做"基因与我"检测 none of this was really necessary.
这一切都没必要 For DNAandMe testing,
你只需自己拿棉签擦拭口腔内侧 you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself
然后随信寄来就行了 and send it in the mail.
对 我知道 但我... 对它很感兴趣 Yeah, I know, but I just... I was really excited about it,
希望大家一起见证我的检测 wanted everyone to witness my test.
好吧 萝卜青菜各有所爱 Well, to each their own, I suppose.
好吧 张大嘴巴 All right. Open wide.
好了 我会把它带回实验室 Okay. I'll get this back to the lab
并尽快通知你结果 and get the results to you as soon as possible.
太棒了 我很好奇 Okay, great. I'm very interested to see
最终结果会如何 what those results have to say.
这里是戈特曼家 Galtman residence.
仔细听我说 Listen to me carefully.
那位说服你取消"哥伦布日"的男人 The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day
是个骗子 is a fraud.
你是谁 Who is this?
你现在上网搜索INS上 You will go online and search Instagram
兰迪·马什的照片 for images of Randy Marsh.
我就不做 I most certainly will not.
兰迪·马什是个伪君子 大骗子 Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake.
当他露馅时 你也会被连累 You will be taken down with him when he is exposed.
他说啥了 What's he saying?
我们知道你的住址 We know where you live,
也知道怎么折磨你 and we know how to make you suffer.
你给我听着 无名男 Now you listen here, Mr. Man.
戈特曼家的人不相信 The Galtmans do not believe
社交媒体或者网络 in social media or the Internet.
- 全是假消息 - 假消息 - It's all fake news. - Fake news.
那你就当面去问马什吧 Then speak with Marsh yourself.
真相就在那里 The truth is out there.
这样看来戈特曼 Hmmm. Sounds like maybe the Galtmans
得去查查兰迪·马什了 need to check out Randy Marsh.
雪莉 紧急情况 Shelley, we've got an emergency!
我们要丢掉家里所有关于哥伦布的东西 We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house!
所有哥伦布戏服 哥伦布照片... Any Columbus costumes, Columbus pictures...
都得扔掉 They all got to go!
我根本不鸟哥伦布 I don't give a shit about Columbus.
莎朗 彼得·戈特曼刚打电话来 Sharon, Peter Galtman called.
他好像起疑心了 我们得丢掉 He sounds suspicious. We got to get rid
所有哥伦布子弹杯和咖啡杯 它们都放哪儿了 of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups. Where are they?
你的哥伦布子弹杯和咖啡杯都在橱柜里 Your Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups are in that cupboard.
子弹杯 咖啡杯 纸巾 盘子... Shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates...
还有带哥伦布小像的盐和胡椒瓶呢 What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers?
我不知道你把它们放哪儿了 兰迪 I don't know where you put them, Randy.
莎朗 你知道等他们发现 Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us
咱们曾经痴迷哥伦布时 会怎么对我们吗 when they find out how stoked we were on Columbus?
兰迪 是你痴迷哥伦布 不是我 You were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me.
是吗 Oh, really?!
你忘记我们的婚礼了吗 Did you forget our wedding?!
那就是你 That's you right there,
满面春风地站在那儿 standing there with a big smile on your face.
你那时可呆呆地啥也没说 不是吗 You didn't say anything about it being insensitive then, did you?
实际上我有点儿失望 I actually was a little upset
你在我们的婚礼上扮成哥伦布 that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding,
- 但我决定．．． - 真是马后炮 - but I decided... - Oh, now!
你现在才说 因为大家都疯了 You say that now, 'cause everyone's freaking out.
但你当时就在那儿 逆来顺受 But you were right there, going along with it!
他们也会来声讨你的 莎朗 They're gonna be coming after you, too, Sharon!
求你别再摆着这副"土著"冷漠脸了 So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face.
可能是我的基因检测结果到了 Oh! That could be my DNA results!
来 把这堆东西收起来 Here, take this stuff out back!
不不不 别这样 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
直到那晚 我才感到生命的意义 I've never felt so alive until now.
谢谢 可... 可爱的花 谢谢 Thank you. LoLovely flowers. Thank you.
这里是戈特曼家 Galtman residence.
想活命就给我仔细听着 Listen carefully if you want to live.
你必须把这周一定为学校假日 You will make this Monday a school holiday.
我和马什先生谈过了 他否认做过任何错事 I spoke with Mr. Marsh, and he denied any wrong doing.
他当然会这么说 Of course he did!
骗子都这样 That's what liars do!
我觉得你还不够吓人 I don't think you're being intimidating enough.
- 对再刻薄点儿肯尼 - 怎么刻薄老兄 - Yeah, get meaner, Kenny. - Meaner like how, dude?
我也不知道 是不是就说... I don't know, like... like maybe say...
要切掉他的屌这类话 Like talk about cutting off his dick or something.
我们要切掉你的屌 We're gonna cut off your dick!
不 哥们 这太过了 No, dude. That's too far.
好好好 那就说我们要切掉他一部分屌 Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick.
把电话给我 Just give me the phone.
- 喂 - 干嘛 - Hello? - What?
兰迪·马什会为他的行为付出代价 Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done.
想保护他的话 你也要付出代价 Protect him and you will pay, too.
你时间不多了 Time is running out.
老天 Jesus!
莎朗 你看到我的哥伦布权杖和宝球了吗 Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb?
没看到 I have not.
莎朗 戈特曼又打电话了 Sharon, Galtman called again.
绝对有人想要找我麻烦 Somebody is out there trying to get me in trouble.
兰迪 你为什么不干脆向大家承认 Randy, why don't you just admit to people
你过去也许稍微有点过度 that maybe you were somewhat overly excited
崇拜哥伦布呢 about Columbus in the past.
那时所有人都崇拜哥伦布 Everyone was excited about Columbus!
不知怎地 大家都对我指指点点 For some reason, people are just pointing fingers at me.
不能因为如今他突然不对路 Just because he's suddenly not cool now
就特么拿我当替罪羊啊 doesn't mean I'm gonna be the F'ing scapegoat!
我得把这玩意儿烧掉 I got to burn this stuff.
妈逼的 Oh, God damn it.
我为你写了首歌 聊表爱意 I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you.
你能滚开吗 Will you get out of here?!
♪ 然后他吻了我 ♪ ♪ And then he kissed me ♪
我亲你不是因为喜欢你 I didn't kiss you 'cause I like you.
♪ 然后他吻了我 ♪ ♪ And then he kissed me ♪
行行行 Okay, okay.
♪ 阳光普照大地 ♪ ♪ And the sun began to shine ♪
够了 你给我滚一边去 That's it. Get off my property!
兰迪 我无法不爱你 Randy, I cannot quit you.
滚出我的土地 你个垃圾 Get off my land, you piece of shit!
别发出去 Don't post that.
不要... 发出去 Do not... post that.
妈蛋 Shit!
哥们 你们干嘛呢 Guys, what are you doing?
完蛋了 艾瑞克 It's over, Eric.
我们周一必须上学去 We have to come to school on Monday.
面对现实吧 Just face it.
我什么都不面对 还有时间呢 I'm not facing anything. We still have time.
肯定还有办法... There has to be a way we can...
哥们 我们没办法了 懂吗 Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right?
好吧 我明白了 Oh, okay. I see.
哥伦布难道就是这样放弃的吗 Is that what Columbus did? Just give up?
放弃梦想吗 不 On his dream? No.
哥伦布坚信孩子们应该放一天假 Columbus believed that kids should have a day off school.
即使他的祖国也不支持这个提议时 And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause,
哥伦布说"行 我去找个新大陆 Columbus said, "Fine. I'll go find a new land
一个允许孩子放假的大陆" where kids can have that day off."
艾瑞克 你就放弃吧 Eric, just let it go.
然而哥伦布远航至异地时 And when Columbus sailed to distant places
发现已经有人居住了 only to find people already there
他们说"不 滚出我们的土地 who said, "No! Stay off our land!
我们要让孩子必须上学" We want our kids to have to go to school!"
他说"不 只是在十月某天放一天假 He said, "No! It's just one day in October.
他们也要休息啊" They need a break!"
你们都可以放弃 但我不会 You guys can all give up, but I'm not.
因为在1492年 哥伦布为咱争取了节假日 Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off school.
只消三条船 他便扬帆远航 With just three ships, he sailed over
我们才得以在十月有专属时间 so we could have some 'me time' in October.
没错 的确有数百万人被屠杀割喉 And, yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut.
但如果我们不放一天假 But if we don't get that day off school,
那么意义何在 then for what?
来吧 兄弟们 Come on, guys.
我们还可以做很多 There's something else we can try.
- 莎朗好消息 - 啥 - Sharon, good news! - What?!
DNA检测局打电话了 The people from the DNA test called!
他们马上就到 你要下楼来吗 They're on their way over. You want to come down?
我在忙呢 I'm doing something.
你确定吗 检测结果可能很有趣哦 You sure? These results could be really interesting.
我勒个去 你他妈想怎样 Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you want?
我想让你不再逃避自我 I want you to stop running from yourself.
我们会幸福的 We could be so happy.
妈的 他们来了 Crap, it's them!
稍等一下 马上来 多谢 Just a second! Be right there! Thanks!
你过来 Get over here!
我对你没感觉 你明白吗 I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand?
但兰迪 那个吻... But, Randy, what about the...
没 没但是 啥也没有 No! No buts! There's nothing here.
我不爱你 听懂没 I'm not in love with you, got it?!
懂了 Yes.
好的 我懂了 Yes, I understand.
很好 滚吧 Good. Now leave.
抱歉 我的结果出来了吗 Hi. Sorry. You guys have my results?
马什先生 我们过来是因为 Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because
你的检测中有些不寻常的结果 there was an irregularity with your test.
怎么 你们发现了 What, you found something
没料想到的东西吗 是什么 there you didn't expect to find? What is it?
这真是太奇怪了 Well, it's just a little too odd.
我们得再检测一次 We need to do the test again.
再来一次 这不公平 Do it again? That's not fair.
马什先生 拜托 Mr. Marsh, please,
再多给我们一份样本吧 if we could just have one more sample.
我们想百分百确认 We want to be absolutely sure
我们的发现 of what we found.
好吧 没问题 Okay, no problem.
等... 等一下 我马上回来 Give me... Give me one sec. I'll be right back.
等等 Wait! Wait!
行 我准备好了 来吧 Okay. Okay. All set. Let's do this.
马什先生 我们希望做些更精确的检测 Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test.
对此类特殊案例最好严谨点 It's better for harder cases like this,
这次是擦拭肛门 but it is an anal swab this time.
擦拭肛门 An anal swab?
给我... 两... 三分钟 Give me.. Tw... three minutes.
你去哪儿了 Hey, where'd you go?
马什先生 我们时间很紧 Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry
不介意的话 开始吧 if you don't mind.
完蛋了 Oh. Oh, shit.
好了 安全 带他进来 All right, it's clear. Bring him in.
快走 戈特曼 Move your ass, Gartman!
你们这是侵犯人权 This is a violation of my rights.
闭嘴 认真看别人在INS上发的东西 Just shut up and watch what someone posted on their Instagram!
我就不看 I most certainly will not!
如果你们想让我上网 我先死给你看 If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first.
这是假新闻 It's fake news.
所以我们把它转换为家庭录像 That's why we had it transferred to VHS.
录像我就看 Oh. VHS is fine.
摘掉他的眼罩 Take off his blindfold.
滚出我的土地 你个垃圾 Get off my land, you piece of shit!
别发到网上 Don't post that.
样品库 污染源勿进
马什先生 Mr. Marsh.
你还好吗 Hey! How are you?
挺好的 你在忙什么呢 Good. What are you up to?
晃悠 晃悠 Chillin', chillin'.
我们今早拿到了你的DNA结果 We did get your DNA results back this morning.
你想瞧瞧吗 Would you like to go over them?
出来了吗 太棒了 You did? Great.
当然 没理由不看 我都在这了 Sure. Why not? I'm here.
那... 那就看看吧 Let's... Let's do that.
你的本源 何在
你的人种参考
好 马什先生 All right, Mr. Marsh,
这是你的"基因与我"组合 here's your DNAandMe portfolio.
我们据此发现 This shows that we actually found
你的血统中混合了一些东西 a mix of a few things in your regional ancestry.
你的人种参考
真的吗 是不是美洲原住民 有... 那么一点对吧 Really? Like Native American?! Like... Like a little bit?!
不 我们没在你的测试里 No, we didn't find any trace
找到任何美洲原住民的DNA特征... of any Native American DNA in your test...
你的人种参考
你的结果
胡扯 Nuts.
但正如你所见 But as you can see here,
你的结果
北欧血统 地中海血统 西南亚血统
我们发现你有43%的北欧血统 we found that you're about 43% Northern European,
37%地中海血统 37% Mediterranean,
和18%西南亚血统 and 18% Southwest Asian.
你的人种参考
白种英国人
事实上 你的基因档案最接近于... In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches...
典型的白种英国人 your standard Caucasian British person.
你的类人血统
全人类都有祖先 或许我们每个人 都还保留特征
还有你可能会感兴趣的一点 And you might be interested to know
大约12万到3万年前居住在欧洲及西亚的古人类 属于晚期智人的一种
你还有2.8%的尼安德特人血统 that you are actually 2.8 % Neanderthal,
这个数值相当高了 which is fairly high.
尼安德特人 Neanderthal?
那是什么鬼 What the hell is that about?
尼安德特人是一个 The Neanderthals were actually a species
被智人灭绝了的人种 that was wiped out by homo sapiens.
灭绝... 我所有的尼安德特祖先吗 Wiped out... all of my people?
是的 但你瞧 由于某种杂交繁育 Yes, but you see, because of some cross breeding,
某些类似你的人 仍保留着尼安德特DNA some people like you still possess Neanderthal DNA.
是不是很有趣呢 Isn't that interesting?
杂交繁育 也就是强奸 Cross breeding? You mean rape.
你是说我的祖先 You're telling me that my ancestors
被你们强奸然后又被灭绝了 were raped and then eradicated by you.
你们这群疯子 You maniacs?!
世界容不下尼安德特人 The Earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals,
所以你们的祖先就除掉了他们 是吗 So your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?!
你们都下地狱吧 To hell with all of you!
好啊 马什先生 Well, well. Mr. Marsh.
我想和你谈谈 I'd like to have a word, please.
你觉得这很有趣吗 戈特曼 You find this funny, Galtman?!
我做什么了 What'd I do?
没人敢告诉我 我祖先的遭遇 是吗 Nobody had the guts to tell me what happened to my people, huh?
都特么滚出去 Get the hell out of here!
我把我父母带来见你了 I brought my parents over so you could meet them.
天呐 God!
别担心 Don't worry.
我父母很开明 不反对我们 My parents are very okay and cool with us.
这又是闹哪出 Who the hell is that?
好 真行 所有人都组团欺负尼安德特人 Yeah, sure, everyone gang up on the Neanderthal!
真"好玩" Isn't it funny?!
兰迪 你必须面对你自己 Randy, you must face who you are.
别再伪装了 兰迪 Stop pretending, Randy.
就这一次 感受自己的情感 For once, just allow yourself to feel.
没错 你说得对 You're right. You're right.
直到现在 每个人对我这么"土著"时 It's only now, when everyone's being so indigenous to me,
我才意识到一直以来自己有多"土著" That I realize how indigenous I've been acting all along.
我以为成为受害者能解决所有问题 I thought being a victim would solve all my problems.
但成为受害者也有坏处 But being a victim has a downside, too.
戈特曼先生 我没有说实话 Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest.
但大家真诚待人之时到了 It's time for us all to be honest.
节假日是什么 What is a holiday?
是一天不上班 也是一天不上学 It's a day off work, yes, a day off school.
但节假日也是反思之时 But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect.
今天 我很高兴地宣布 Today, I'm happy to announce
校历委员会决定 that the school calendar committee
恢复休假日 is reinstating the day off.
但不是为了赞扬某人 But instead of glorifying anyone,
而是将它变成一个 let us make it a holiday
有关大家偶尔都会感到的负能量的节日 about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel,
说出我们真实所想 继而活下去 say what we're really thinking so we can move on.
因此 十月的第二个星期一 And so, the second Monday of October
仍将是节假日 will still be a holiday.
THE SUB-MAN
关注新浪微博 @FIX字幕侠
但不是作为"哥伦布日" But instead of Columbus Day,
而将是我们互相挖苦 it will be for ripping on each other
互相撕逼的节日 and tearing each other down,
我们称其为"土著民日" and we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day.
如果我们能同时齐心协力 For, perhaps, if we all do it at the same time,
今年余下的日子里 我们就不会那么"土著"了 we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year.
既然今天就是十月的第二个星期一 And since this is the second Monday of October,
让我们一同拥抱节假日的全新意义 let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday
从现在起 starting right now.
你知道"土著的"是什么意思吗 死白痴 Do you even know what indigenous means, you frickin' idiot?
就是这股劲 戴夫 来吧 That's the spirit, Dave! Come on!
大家伙一起"土著" 来吧 Everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous! Come on!
是谁让这家伙和学校顾问谈的 Who the hell let this guy talk to the school counsel?
说得好 柯特 你老婆是婊砸 Good one, Kurt. Your wife's a whore.
大家一起来 Come on, everyone!
"土著民日" 一起庆祝吧 Indigenous Peoples Day! Let's go for it!
闭嘴 滚下指挥台 Shut up, and get off the podium!
好的 稍等片刻 肥猪 Okay. I will in a second, fatso.
很好 还有谁 All right. Who else?
来啊 跳出条条框框 Come on! Get it out of your system!
"土著民日"快乐 各位 Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone.
弱鸡们 来跪舔啊 Suck my asshole.