格蕾琴达斯商场
嗨 有什么能暗示"这人是高尔夫球迷"的东西吗 Hey. Do you have anything that screams "This guy watches golf"?
当然有 Oh yeah.
这是坎戈尔袋鼠和塞缪尔联名的帽子 This is from Samuel by Sam Jackson for Kangol.
正是他参加第一资本金融公司广告首映 It's the exact model he wore
戴的的那个版型 to the premiere of his Capital One commercial.
我喜欢它这种设计 这样戴就像个报童 I love it how you can wear it one way and look like a newsboy
而这样戴就像个不良少年 and another way and look like a bad boy.
-我们申请了专利 -能快点吗 ‐ We patented that. ‐ Could we hurry this up?
这商场里好像有个缺口里装满了婴儿 Apparently this mall has some sort of gap full of babies
还有个都是女人脚的储物柜 and a locker full of lady's feet.
我想见识下 I wanna see that stuff.
天呐 特里 你看起来像蛋般丝滑 Damn, Terry. Lookin' smooth as eggs.
红色疙瘩小人有把枪 Red Goobler got a gun!
搞什么 科尔沃 你压坏我的袋鼠帽了 What the hell, Korvo? You mangled my Kangol!
红色疙瘩小人 Red Goobler?
他妈的等等 Wait a hot fuckin' second,
我记得你不是去年杀了红色疙瘩小人了吗 I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year?
就在他在万圣节店里追杀我们之后 After he hunted us in the Halloween store?
-记得吗 -对 我撒谎说把他杀了 - R‐remember that whole thing? ‐ Yeah, I lied about killing him.
他逃跑了 我就想 He got away, and I kinda just thought
可能他会像我以前背上那只眼睛那样消失 maybe he'd disappear like that eye that used to be on my back.
该死 特里 那只眼睛还在那 Damn it, Terry! That eye is still there!
红色疙瘩小人也阴魂不散 And so is the Red Goobler!
等等 什么鬼 他怎么那么大了 Wait, what the fuck, why is he so big?
上次我们见到他 他还是颗垒球那么大 Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball.
或者说像一颗肥嘟嘟的棒球 Or like a fat baseball.
我也不知道 特里 可能我焦虑时他就会长大 I don't know, Terry, he probably grows when I'm stressed out.
或者他饭量很大 别挑我刺了 Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes.
行吧 抱歉我有这种始终如一的精神 Well, sorry for trying to be consistent.
等等 等等 Wait, wait, wait, wait!
我再也不会杀你们了 我发誓 I'm not trying to kill you anymore, I swear!
省省吧 那把炫酷激光枪怎么回事 Oh please, then what's with that sweet‐ass laser gun?
只是个条形码扫描器 It's just a barcode scanner.
我正准备注册结婚 I'm registering for my wedding.
这垃圾才不是要结婚呢 快 科尔沃 杀了他 This trash isn't getting married. Quick, Korvo, murder him!
射他 射他 射他 射他 Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him, shoot him‐‐
-疙比 怎么了 -这是我的噩梦 - Gooby, what's going on? ‐ This is my nightmare.
珍 这两位是特里和科尔沃 Jen, meet Terry and Korvo.
是的 我是从科尔沃的焦虑中诞生的 So yeah, um, Korvo birthed me from his stress,
我过去经常叫喊"滚蛋" 还尝试杀死他 and I used to yell "Get fucked" And try to kill him.
我曾经糟糕透顶 郁郁寡欢 I was a terrible, unhappy person
科尔沃 我真的很抱歉 and, Korvo, I'm so sorry.
你可以把你的道歉射到屁股里然后埋到海里 You can shoot your apology in the butt and bury it at sea.
你说得对 我不值得被原谅 You're right, I don't deserve forgiveness.
我不该那样对你 我日日带着内疚活着 I live with the guilt of how I treated you every day.
你已经改头换面了 红 You aren't that guy anymore, Red.
如果我真的变了 那都是因为你 珍 If I'm not, it's because of you, Jen.
珍把我从暗无天日的地方救出来 Jen pulled me out of a dark place.
我现在唯一想做的就是和这个完美的女人结婚 Now all I want to do is marry this perfect woman,
每日与她一同醒来 为她做面包 wake up every day and make her bread
用这个布勒维尔特制切片面包机 with this Breville Custom Loaf Bread Maker.
好吧 下次别用镭射枪瞄我就好了 Uh, okay. Well, just don't aim at me with a laser gun.
都是我的错 谢谢你的宽宏大量 Totally my fault. Thanks for understanding.
我一直对此提心吊胆 Hey, I've been dreading this for a while,
但是说实话我挺高兴能碰到你 but it was honestly nice running into you.
-我也是 -保持帅气哦 兄弟 ‐ You too. ‐ Stay cool, brother.
我不信他说的一丝一毫 你信吗 I didn't buy any of that for a second. Did you?
我完全信了 但我没啥自尊心 Oh, I totally bought it, but my self‐esteem is so low
所以你怎么想我就怎么想 that I'll go along with whatever you feel.
-他是个骗子而且烂透了 -完全正确 ‐ He's a liar and he sucks. ‐ I know, right?
去他的小混球 Fuck that little asshole!
我非常喜欢你这种毫无主张的时候 I love when you don't have any conviction.
那我也喜欢 Then I do too.
什洛普星曾是个完美的乌托邦 Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.
直到被小行星撞上 Until the asteroid hit.
一百个成人以及他们的复制人分到了一只噗噗 One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
逃往了太空 and escaped into, uh, the space,
在杳无人迹的世界里寻找新家 searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
我们坠落在地球上 We crashed on Earth,
困在了一个已经人口过密的星球 stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
是的 一直是我在说话 That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
抱着噗噗的人是我 我叫科尔沃 I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
这是我的节目 This is‐‐ this is my show.
我的噗噗掉了 你看到我了吗 I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
这太荒唐了 This is ridiculous.
我讨厌地球 这是个糟糕的家园 I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
人类愚蠢至极 他们总是在争论政治 People are stupid. They're always arguing about politics.
所有人都忙着争论政治 Everyone is so busy arguing about politics,
但没人讨论地球为什么是颗蛋 but no one is talking about how the Earth is an egg.
为什么他们不讨论这个呢 Why aren't they talking about that?
外星也难民 第二季 第五集
体能测试和应激性腹泻就在今日
人类对健身的执念是怎么回事 What is with humans' obsession with fitness?
他们难道还不知道有氧运动会导致癌症吗 Haven't they figured out that cardio causes cancer?
天啊 我们今天要跑一英里了 Oh geez, we're running the mile today?
我穿着我的性感浅口鞋呢 I wore my fuck‐me pumps.
我不能穿着它们跑步 这是租来的 I can't run in them, they're rentals!
我也跑不动 I suck at it too.
我的腿是为操纵猎杀机器的 My legs were made for operating the left‐right orientation pedals
左右踏板而生的 不是为了绕圈跑 in a hunter kill star tripper, not running in a circle.
我们用走的就好了 没人会注意的 Eh, let's just walk it. Nobody's gonna notice.
你不记得去年发生什么了 Don't you remember what happened last year?
我要吐了 I'm gonna puke.
一英里要15分钟 A 15‐minute mile?
我不会让你们这两个怪胎拉低学校平均水平的 I am not letting you freaks bring down the school average.
我们的数学和科学项目预算 Our math and science budget
完全取决于你们两个小废物能跑多快 is based on how fast you little shits can move.
所有人再跑一次 Everybody's running again!
如果你们对此有异议 And if you don't like doing it,
你们可以感谢 you can thank Mr. And Mrs.
水晶头骨王国的这对男女 Kingdom of the Crystal Fucking Skull over here.
我脑袋上的皮疹才刚退 My noogie rash just cleared up.
够了 我们不会再跑了 That's it. We are not doing this again.
连接作弊设备 Access cheating devices.
我之前都不知道你有个口袋空间 Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.
-挺酷的对吧 -对啊 要是它不是粉色调的话 ‐ Pretty sweet, right? ‐ Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink.
你没得选颜色 You don't get to choose the color!
等等 你是要用时间作弊头盔吗 Wait, you're going to use The Time Cheater helmet?
那不就是作弊吗 Isn't that cheating?
是的 绝对算是作弊 Oh yeah, it's as cheating as you can get.
但是我放学后看的节目都说作弊没用 But, but all the after‐school programs I watch say cheating never works!
听着 你想让别人整年对我们刁钻刻薄吗 Look, you want people to be mean to us all year? Hm?
或者你想做个临时的作弊者 Or do you wanna be cheaters for one quick second?
好吧 但下不为例 Well, alright, but just this once.
我们也要小心谨慎 We gotta be careful, too.
《蔬菜宝贝历险记》里说过 'Cause according to VeggieTales,
作弊会使你变成基佬土豆 cheating will make you a gay potato.
我甘愿冒这个风险 That's a chance I'm willing to take.
头盔和背包是怎么回事 What's with the helmets and backpacks?
其实你不允许问我们这个的 Um, you're actually not allowed to ask us about it
因为它能给我们的性别认同提供动力 because they power our gender identity or whatever.
行 你们俩这次一英里跑的成绩最好使我刮目相看 Fine. You two better blow me away with your mile time this year,
否则我就杀了你们 or I will fucking kill you.
你们跑完一英里用了刚刚好一分钟 You did the entire mile in exactly one minute?
那算快了 对吧 我们可以不再做这傻测试了吗 That was fast, right? So we can stop doing this stupid test?
不 肯定不行 因为你们俩很明显... No! Of course you can't. Because you two are obviously chee...
不 被发现了 我就知道 Aw no, here it comes. I knew it.
有史以来最优秀的赛跑选手 The best runners we've ever had.
这两位漂亮的外星人将参加区域赛 These beautiful aliens are going to regionals!
区域赛 不 Regionals? Oh no.
你确定我们没有陷得太深吗 Are you sure we aren't getting in over our head?
是的 我们绝对陷太深了 Oh yeah. We definitely are.
美国航空吗 麻烦订一张前往夏威夷区域赛的机票 American Airlines? One ticket to Regionals in Hawaii please.
您能接受经济舱吗 Are you okay with coach?
-我能接受啥 -经济舱 - Am I okay with what? - Coach?
教练
是的 我是教练也是校长 Yes, I am the coach and the principal.
不是的 我是说经济舱 Uh, no, I mean economy.
市场经济
我们都知道经济现在蓬勃发展 We all know the economy's great,
但你不能坑我买贵票 but you're not talking me into an expensive ticket.
我们重头来过 直达吗 Let's start over. Nonstop?
一口气
好的 Wow, okay.
麻烦要一张前往区预赛的最好的座位 One ticket to regionals in your finest seat please.
用一张尾号7624信用卡支付 I'd like to pay with a credit card ending in 7624.
我就直接帮你升到头等舱 对话到此为止 I'm just going to put you in first class to end this conversation.
屡试不爽 Works every time.
那肿土豆肯定另有所图 我的土墩能感觉到 That swole tomato's up to something, I can feel it in my mound.
我们要防患于未然 We need to be ready for an attack.
我现在去吃下一半的自杀药片 I'm going to take half my suicide pills now
然后留下另一半等他折磨我们的时候吃 and save the other half for when he tortures us.
如果你是个女童子军 现在坦白 If you're a Girl Scout, say it now,
我还是会射杀你的 and I will still shoot you.
-我是珍 -请别杀我们 ‐ It's Jen! ‐ Please don't kill us!
想都没想过 不好意思我不请自来 Not even! Sorry for dropping by unannounced,
我非常需要请你们帮个忙 I just really need to ask you guys for a favor.
让我猜猜 你想让我们互相射穿对方的喉咙 Let me guess, you want us to shoot ourselves through our throats?
你做梦 Well, fat chance!
不是的 我想知道你们愿不愿意参加我们的婚礼 Uh, no. I‐I was wondering if you two would come to our wedding?
是陷阱 特里 快跑 It's a trap, Terry, run!
别 等等 疙比不知道我在这 No, stop. Gooby doesn't know I'm here.
你们虽非他的亲人 却胜似亲人 You guys are the closest thing he has to family.
如果你们能来参加婚礼 If you came to our wedding,
可能能使他释怀过往 it might let him finally make peace with his past.
参加一个红色疙瘩小人的婚礼 Attend a Red Goobler wedding?
想都别想 Ha. No fucking way.
听着 只要那疙瘩小人 Listen, as long as that
生命中有其他东西 goobler's got something else in his life,
他就不会想挖出你的眼睛 拉在你的嘴里了 he won't be trying to cut out your eyes and shit in your mouth.
你说得有点道理 算是你一年一度的好主意 You might have a point. Your annual one good idea.
瞎说 上周我就有过一个好主意 记得吗 Nuh‐uh, I had a good idea last week! Remember?
为了我们的兄弟会筹集资金 我去卖派 I raised money for our frat by selling pies,
但在派的烤盘下面藏了一张 but the bottom of the pie tin had a naked picture
阿尔法·贝塔女朋友们的裸照 of the Alpha Beta's girlfriends?
那是我们派畅销的原因啊 卖派的事 还记得吗 That's why we sold so many pies? The whole pie thing? Remember?
我会参加你们的婚礼 I will attend your ceremony,
以此欺骗红色疙瘩小人让他开心 to trick the Red Goobler into being happy
这样他就不会伤害我了 so he won't hurt me anymore.
好吧 但你们俩在婚礼上能别这么奇怪吗 Fine, but can you also not be this weird at the wedding?
我妈妈会去而且 My mom's gonna there and‐‐
闭嘴 眼下只有一个问题 Shut up. There's only one problem:
你太平平无奇了 没法满足红色疙瘩小人 you're far too basic to keep Red Goobler satisfied.
如果你们俩分手 And if you break up,
他会比以前更危险 he'll become more dangerous than ever before.
我和一个疙瘩小人订婚了 你找不到更独特的了 I'm engaged to a goobler. I'm as not basic as they come.
你的名字叫珍 非常路人了 Your name is Jen, you're very forgettable.
你去哪购物 T·J·迷你吗 Where do you shop, T. J. Minimum?
T·J·Maxx 美国百货
没错他现在是爱着你 但万一他厌烦你了 Sure he loves you now, but once he's sick of you
我们现在对你的感觉这样 就又回到猎杀我的时候了 like we already are, it's back to hunting me!
我开始明白为什么红这么讨厌你了 I'm starting to understand why Red hates you.
-搞什么 -快点 特里 - What the hell? ‐ Quick, Terry,
快去拿那把狂拽炫酷的Rat镭射枪 go grab the Rat Awesome Terrific Ray!
这就去 On it!
鼠枪
特里 救我 Terry, help!
这个露露乐檬烂俗婊 This Lululemon basic ho is
在用最无聊的方式揍我 kicking my ass in the most boring way possible!
用那把炫酷镭射枪打她 Shoot her with the Rad Awesome Terrific Ray!
你说的是啥 What the hell is that!
别动 Hold still,
这个射线会让你不同凡响 可能还会有别的 this ray's gonna make you terrific and some other stuff.
你敢用那玩意儿射我试试看 我会告你 Don't you dare shoot me with that! I'll sue you!
随着时间推移她变得越来越俗 She's getting basic‐er by the second!
给我 Give me that.
你用错枪了 这是老鼠枪 You used the wrong ray! This is the Rat Ray!
我们需要的是RAT枪 We needed the R‐A‐T Ray.
就在那儿 你个傻子 It's right there, you idiot.
-不识字吗你 -我肯定识字啊 - Can't you read? ‐ Of course I can.
他不会 He can't.
你为什么要按首字母排列他们 Why would you put them in order of first letter?
-这是字母顺序啊 特里 -天啊 那是什么意思 - It's alphabetical, Terry! ‐ Oh my god. What does that mean?
糟了 快抓住她 抓住她 Ahh! ‐ Shit! Grab her, grab her!
我的天 特里 Oh my god, Terry,
如果我们不能及时让她变回来参加婚礼 if we don't get her back in time for the wedding,
红色疙瘩小人肯定会找我们算账的 the Red Goobler will hunt us for sure!
去你的 我会找到她然后让她从老鼠变回人的 Fuck! Okay, okay, okay, I'll find her and de‐rat her
同时 你得去分散红色疙瘩小人的注意力 while you keep the Red Goobler distracted.
出来吧 珍 Come out, Jen.
我们可以去咖啡厅 We can go to a coffee shop
是墙上画着翅膀的那种 that has a painting of wings on a wall,
你可以在那凹造型 很好玩的 you can pose in front of it, so fun.
给我滚出来 Get the fuck out here!
冰淇淋时间 Ice cream break.
我想要音速小子玩偶形状的冰淇淋 I want a Sonic pop.
不是推特逼他们做的最新款 是原先那款 Not the new design Twitter bullied them into. The original!
算了 那太复杂了 Oh no, that's too complicated.
给我第一部电影里第二个出现的忍者神龟形状的 Give me a Ninja Turtle pop from the second of the first movies
不是动画片里面的 but not from the cartoons!
该死该死 老鼠珍 别走 Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Rat Jen, no!
结账 快 要走了 Ring me up! Come on, let's go.
忍者神龟 快追 快 Go, ninja! Go, ninja, go!
欢迎来到拉斯维加斯 内华达州的极乐之地
欢迎参加你的单身派对 Welcome to your bachelor party!
红一个月之前已经参加过了 Red already had one of these a month ago.
我们在尼加拉瓜建了一所孤儿院 We built an orphanage in Nicaragua.
该死 坦纳 你老是"削价"竞争 Goddammit, Tanner! You're always undercutting me.
你算哪根葱 Who are you?
我就是花钱包下顶楼高级套房的土豪葱 I'm the guy who dropped mucho shekels on a penthouse suite.
这绝不是为了分散你们的注意力 And not to distract you from anything,
只是因为我热情好客 only because I love hospitality.
这太难以置信了 科尔沃 谢谢你 Oh, that's amazing, Korvo! Thank you!
这就像美梦成真一样 This is a dream come true.
自从我看过《婚礼傲客》之后 Ever since I saw Wedding Crashers,
我就想要一个宿醉主题的告别单身派对 I've wanted to have a Hangover‐themed bachelor party.
这是你的盛大之夜啊 宝贝 It's your big night, baby.
喝个痛快 Hangover stuff!
这是红色疙瘩小人把地产卖给珍一家 This is the last night before Red Goobler sells his land
用以交换珍许久未用的子宫前的最后一个夜晚 to Jen's family in exchange for her dusty womb.
我们要让今晚永远难忘 Let's make it one to remember!
好 让我先跟珍报备一下 Hell yeah! Let me just check in with Jen,
然后我们就可以开始打-- and then we can hit the fl‐‐
不准用电话 兄弟 这是单身派对的规矩 No phones, bro! Bachelor party rules!
让我们参照《夺宝奇兵》系列的时间顺序来吧 Let's hit the strip Indiana Jones passage of time style!
人人都来吸一口可卡因 Cocaine for everyone!
真爽 Oh yeah.
区域赛跟我想的一模一样 Wow. Regionals is everything I thought it would be.
行了 你们两个猥琐的外星人 如果你们赢了 Alright, you filthy fucking aliens, if you guys win,
我们就能去享受夏威夷美女了 we're gonna be drowning in Hawaiian pussy.
给我好好比赛 Do this for me.
我的天 这里人也太多了 Oh no, oh man. There are so many people here.
我们肯定会被识破的 We're gonna get caught for sure.
我会把作弊装置往回拨 Okay, look, I'll dial back the Cheater device.
这样的话 我们就能输掉比赛 That way, we can compete but still lose.
然后我们可以在沙滩尝尝迈泰鸡尾酒 Then we'll just sip Mai Tais on the beach
而库克可以出去乱搞 while Cooke gets his rocks off.
好吧 Okay.
各就各位 预备 On your marks. Get set.
我的天 太好了 Holy fuck! Yes!
才三十秒钟 你这狗娘养的 Thirty seconds? You son of a bitch!
我们跑的比上次还快 We went even faster that time!
糟糕 我肯定是调整速度的时候出错了 Shit! I must've adjusted it the wrong way!
或许没有人注意到 Maybe nobody noticed!
不好意思 我注意到你们两个-- Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you two‐‐
我的天 我们很抱歉 Oh god, we're so sorry.
一个穿着Hulu运动衫的人逼我们这么做的 A homeless guy in a Hulu sweatshirt made us do it!
我们都不想跑这么快的 We don't even like going fast.
我是斯泰西·格拉博斯基 这是我同事弗拉特 Stacy Grabowski, this is my partner Flart.
我们是学生运动联邦警察 We're with the Federal Student Athlete Police.
这里有些很可疑的地方 There's something suspicious going on here.
这是什么意思 What do you mean?
真让人起疑心 It's suspicious that
你们俩居然没有去参加奥运会 you two aren't running in the Olympics!
你们也太快了 You're so fast!
我去 我在跑这一英里之前就料到了 懂吗 Holy shit. I saw that coming a mile away. Get it?
我们到这来是为了挖人去美国青少年奥运田径队 We're here scouting for the US Teen Olympic track team,
我们想邀请你们加入 and we just need you on our roster.
这周日在莫斯科就有比赛 The race is this Sunday in Moscow.
我们终于能打败那些一无是处只会作弊的俄罗斯人了 Now we'll finally be able to beat those no‐good cheatin' Russians
只要让这对最有道德的美国超级音速小孩参加 with the most morally sound pair of supersonic American children!
俄罗斯基 我们来了斯基 Ruskie Pusskie, here we comski!
好耶 Mm, yeah.
我们要签鲜血契约 We're doing a blood pact.
赶紧的 趁我还没头昏眼花 Hurry before I get dizzy.
糟了 对不起 Shit, sorry,
我忘了我的血有多喜欢人血的味道 I forgot how much my blood loves the taste of human blood.
经典的拉斯维加斯时刻 Classic Vegas moment.
珍 快回来 乖乖 Jen, get that tight rat ass back here, girl!
这就对了嘛 Ooh, that's right,
这里有《梗犬》的整套蓝光光碟 it's the entire series of Terriers on Blu‐Ray.
老鼠都喜欢梗犬 不是吗 Rats love Terriers, don't you?
到这来 我的乖乖 There you go. Good girl.
他们就应该取消的 They should have never canceled it.
我去 它们是怎么想的 What the fuck were they thinking?
不 该死 哪个才是珍 Nah. Ah, damn it! Which one is Jen?
它们的屁股都很好看 Ah, they all have great asses!
该死 特里 认真干活 Goddammit. Okay, Terry, buckle down.
现在到你发光发热的时候了 我不会休息的 直到 This is your moment to shine. I will not rest until‐‐
呀 冰淇淋 Ooh, ice cream!
真是怪了 他喊"我不可战胜" Weird how he yelled, "I'm invincible!"
然后再证明事实完全相反 before proving the exact opposite.
你放了六颗子弹 You put in six bullets!
你不知道怎么玩俄罗斯轮盘赌吗 Don't you know how to play Russian Roulette?
不知道 我想着我能一边玩一边搞清楚的 No, I don't. I thought I'd figure it out as we went along.
现在我知道了 要少放几颗子弹 And now I know. Less bullets, got it.
别急 我来处理 Don't worry, I can fix this.
我不想在这说的太详细 I don't want to go into too much detail here,
不过 事实证明只有部分狗会上天堂 but, uh, it turns out only some dogs go to Heaven.
其他狗都种族歧视 就是白狗 The other dogs are racist. White dogs.
加把劲 加把劲 Come on, come on.
我干嘛不分两趟搬 Ahh, why didn't I just do two trips?
但愿那些里没有珍 Hopefully, none of those were Jen.
阿伊莎 我需要一个给老鼠穿婚纱的机器 AISHA, I need a machine that puts wedding dresses on rats.
25号机器 Oooh! That's machine 25.
拜托 你在哪儿呢 烂俗新娘 Come on, where are you, you basic bride.
是不是在进口商场买地毯啊 Probably buying a rug at Cost Plus World Market.
真是让人放松的一晚 What a night of distracting activities!
我很久没有在沙漠里埋尸体了 I haven't had to bury a body in the desert in quite some time.
谢谢你 你一定为今晚花了很多心思 Thank you for tonight. I know you put a lot of thought into it.
小意思 红色疙瘩小人 Anything for you, Red Goobler.
要是我改名为克里斯 会很奇怪吗 Hey, would it be crazy if I changed my name to Chris?
是个强大 好听的名字 It's a strong, beautiful name.
很适合你...克里斯 It suits you... Chris.
来 让我看看你的手 Here. Let me see your hand.
你的手好暖和 Ooh, your hands are so warm.
看你的压力线 Look at your stress line.
从你的掌心开始 一路指向心脏 It begins at your palm and travels all the way to your heart.
感觉好棒 That feels good.
我们要这么做吗 Are we doing this?
喂 喂 老兄 Hey! Hey! Dude. Buddy.
醒醒 我要拿东西 Come on, wake up. I need my stuff!
那么刺耳的闹钟 他是怎么还没醒的 Ugh. How is he sleeping through that alarm, it's like blaring.
早跟你说过你会有麻烦的 I told you you'd get fucked.
被日的
当时没想到你会一语成谶 Uhh, I didn't know it was foreshadowing.
老天 我背着珍出轨了 Oh God, I just cheated on Jen,
还毫不后悔 and I don't regret it!
那是不是意味着我不该娶珍 Does that mean we shouldn't get married?
对 但你还是要娶 No. You still need to get married.
娶我 我们要上演一出落跑新娘 To me! We're Runaway Bride‐ing this shit!
今日奥运 明天根本没比赛了
该来的要来了 我们完了 This is it. We're done.
有人会发现我们一路作弊 Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters
然后会杀了我们 and then they're gonna kill us
就像他们曾经杀了兰斯·阿姆斯特朗一样 just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
他们没有杀他 只是摘除了一颗睾丸 He wasn't killed, they just took one nut.
但我们一颗睾丸都没有 他们摘除什么呢 But we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take?
或许作弊不是什么大事 Maybe this isn't as big of a deal as it feels.
没人关心青少年奥运会 Nobody pays attention to the Teen Olympics.
我之前都没听说过它 I haven't even heard of it before.
米歇尔·奥巴马 Michelle Obama?
杰茜 雅姆 Jesse, Yummy!
我的两位美国巨星 My two American superstars.
嗨 你好吗 MO Um, hi. What's up, MO?
自从在这个时间线里我当上了总统 Ever since I became President in this timeline,
我就一直在寻找英雄人物 I've been looking for heroes.
你们俩就是正直诚信的象征 You two are the image of honesty and integrity,
这就是为什么我赌上全美国的财富 which is why I bet the entire US treasury
赌你们今天会夺冠 on you to win today.
-老天 那合法吗 -当然了 - Aw, man, that's legal? ‐ Hell yeah.
布什在911事件后大获成功 Bush was riding high after 9/11,
结果在摔角狂热大赛上输得一干二净 and he lost it all on WrestleMania.
所以整个国家的命运 So the entire fate of the country
就看我们能否诚实地夺冠了 relies on us winning honestly?
没错 要是你们输了 美国只能关门大吉 Yes. And if you lose, we'll have to close America,
而且全世界的人都会知道是你们的错 and everyone in the world will know it's your fault.
-我承认 这太过头了 -你才觉得 ‐ I'll admit this has gone way too far. ‐ You think?
我们就说我们没吃够麦当劳 Let's just say we didn't eat enough McDonald's
所以现在我们爆发性腹泻 不能跑了 so now we have explosive diarrhea and can't run.
不行 够了就是够了 No. Enough is enough.
我们不能一直作弊然后期望没人来杀我们 We can't just keep cheating and hoping nobody kills us.
-到此为止了 -你说得太对了 - This is done. ‐ You're so right.
是时候站起来说出事实了 It's time for us to stand up and come clean.
这出戏到此为止了 This charade ends now.
名气 金钱 肉体 Because what good is the fame, the money, the sex,
和蒂娜·菲还有迈克尔·彻 the American Express commercials
拍美国运通的广告 都有什么了不起的 with Tina Fey and Michael Che?
你们凭借你们的速度和正直 You've won the hearts of millions with your speed
赢得了无数人的心 but mostly with your integrity.
-谢谢您 -当然了 ‐ Thank you. ‐ You betcha.
全国人民集资 All of us in the country have chipped in
为你们准备了一份小礼物 to get you a little present.
雅姆莱克和杰茜 壹仟万美元整 米歇尔·奥巴马
一千万美元 Ten million dollars!
你们今天跑的每一秒都值一百万 A million for each second you took to run the mile today.
跑得真快 So fast.
我们早该这么做了 We should've done this sooner.
多年来我一直在寻觅一位人生伴侣 I've been searching for a life‐mate for years
却不知我的身体里一直住着一位 not knowing one was inside me all along.
我永远属于你 科尔沃 I'm yours forever, Korvy.
快 亲爱的 用苹果地图定位最近的教堂 Quick, love, Apple Maps the nearest chapel.
两英里外有一座便捷摩门教堂 There's a fast casual Mormon castle two miles away.
完美 我们开车路上 Perfect! Let's listen to a podcast together,
以情侣的身份一起听个播客吧 as a couple, while we drive.
今天我们要讨论铜管乐器的音色 Today, we'll be talking about the sound of brass.
铜管乐器的音色... Brass tones‐‐
我们能 听点别的吗 Can we, uh, listen to something else?
别嘛 听听看这个 Come on, give it a chance.
如果我们要结婚 那我们应该坦诚相待 If this is going to work, we need to be honest with each other.
说实话 这个播客我没一点喜欢的 And I honestly hate everything about this podcast.
行吧 甜心 你想听什么呢 Fine, my sweet. What do you want to listen to?
《乔·罗根体验》
死藤树或许就是 See, Ayahuasca might actually be
我们一直寻找的生命之树 the tree of life we've been searching for.
疗愈性能极佳 The healing properties are astronomical.
活动机关枪不是免费的 你得舔脚 Free guns don't come free. You have to lick feet.
这人好差劲 我不喜欢这个 This guy sucks! I don't like this.
什么 乔·罗根是我们时代的玛雅·安吉罗 What? Joe Rogan is our generation's Maya Angelou.
我们时代已经有一个玛雅·安吉罗了 Our generation already has a Maya Angelou.
那就是马克·库班 It's Mark Cuban!
-嘿 宝贝 -怎么了 亲爱的 ‐ Hey, hun? ‐ Yes, darling?
我爱你 但是你说那种话的时候 I love you, but you sound like an asshole
听起来像个混蛋 when you say stuff like that.
我都没有屁眼 怎么像个混蛋 How can I sound like an asshole when I don't even have one?
混蛋
还有 之前那一幕里你操的我哪里 Also, what were you fucking me in earlier in that one scene?
该死 我在起疙瘩 看你把我弄的 Dammit, I'm gooblering! See what you made me do?
昨晚你可喜欢我让你做的事了 骚货 Well, you liked what I made you do last night, slut!
我们没法好好在一起 对吧 克里斯 This isn't gonna work, is it, Chris?
恐怕是的 I'm afraid it isn't.
我做了什么 不敢相信我毁了和珍的感情 What have I done? I can't believe I ruined what I had with Jen.
我是个笨蛋 我总是这样 I'm an idiot. I al‐‐ I always do this.
也许现在还来得及 Maybe it's not too late.
也也许我们回去能赶上办婚礼 May‐‐ maybe we can get you back for the wedding.
-我们没时间了 -我们有足够的... ‐ We don't have time. ‐ We have plenty of‐‐
妈的 我们要赶紧了 Shit! We gotta hurry!
我忘了这个星球上时间总是向前流动 I forgot time always moves forward on this planet.
你车技太差了 You're such a bad driver.
我太他妈讨厌你了 I fucking hate you.
跟我说说你的事 Tell me about yourself.
吱-- Squeeeeeeee.
-等等 是珍吗 -哩 哩 吱 ‐ Wait. Jen? ‐ Reee, reee, squeee.
该死的 你是只耗子 Dammit! You're a rat.
吱-- Squeeee.
拉倒吧 我只要把你打扮得漂漂亮亮 Fuck it! I just have to make you awesome.
红疙瘩人根本不会注意到有区别 Red Goobler won't even notice the difference.
哩 哩-- Ree. Reeee.
吱 吱 Squee, squee.
就是这样 你们听起来超酷的 That's it, you guys sound cool as hell!
再一次恭喜你们 Hey, just want to say again,
赢下了一切能赢的奖 congrats on winning everything one could win
而且没有作弊 and doing it without cheating.
我受不了了 Ugh, I can't take it anymore!
我们什么时候才能吸取教训 When are we going to learn a lesson?
通常侥幸成功都让我感觉不错 Usually getting away with things makes me feel good,
但这次太糟了 but this blows.
作为长开球员进入南加州大学是最后一根稻草 Getting into USC as a long snapper was the last straw.
通常我们的冒险进行到这个阶段时 Usually at this point in our adventures,
我们都学到什么教训了 we've learned a lesson.
我感觉像有蚂蚁在我身上爬 I feel like ants are crawling on my skin.
现在天气是冷是热 Is it cold? Is it hot?
老天 我一边出汗一边发抖 Oh god, I'm sweating and freezing!
我们这是教训戒断反应 We're in lesson withdrawal!
除非我们吸取到教训不然会一直这样难受 We're gonna keep feeling this way unless we learn some lesson.
怎么吸取 我们能做什么 But how? What can we do?
等等 我们一直在作弊 Wait! This whole time, we've been cheating.
但如果我们作个更大的弊 But what if cheated even more than ever before
而且用另一个科幻装备双倍加成 and used another sci‐fi device to double down on cheating?
我们有什么能给我们教训的东西吗 Do we have anything that teaches a lesson?
我们是有个说教头盔 Well, we do have that Lesson‐alyzer helmet,
但 我是说 我们不想用那个 对吧 but, I mean, we don't wanna use that, do we?
有用吗 你吸取到教训了吗 Did it work? Did you learn a lesson?
吸到了 感觉太棒了 Oh yeah, and it feels amazing.
我学到了"凡事不要高兴得太早" I learned "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
给我 给我 我也要 我也要 Oooh! Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
太棒了 真是好东西 Oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
-你学到什么 -"先啤后白 一杯就败" ‐ What did you get? ‐ "Beer before liquor, never sicker."
说得好 Oh, that's a good one.
-你想再爽一下吗 -想 当然想 ‐ You want another hit? ‐ Yeah, fuck yeah.
我需要你们帮忙转移15到20只鼠妹子 I need your help moving 15 to 20 rat women
去一个红疙瘩人的婚礼 快点 to a Red Goobler wedding. Come on!
那是我听过最外星难民的话 That's the most Solar Opposites thing I've ever heard.
棒极了 Ohhh yeah.
"垫子越厚 体感越棒" "The thicker the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'."
屁股越大 操起来越爽
去沙发卖场的时候得记得这句 I gotta remember that when I'm at the couch store.
我们对于酒店房间里发生的事要绝口不提 We must never speak about what happened in that hotel room.
我在说滚床单这事 I'm talking about the fucking.
当然了 蠢货 你干嘛现在提起这事 No shit, you idiot. Why would you bring that up right now?
我都要结婚了 I'm about to get married.
抱歉 我只是希望你和珍能和谐美满 Sorry, I just hope that you and Jen stay happily married,
我们就能幸免于你压抑的愤怒 keeping us safe from your repressed rage.
好几位新娘 我们是在录YouTube视频吗 Multiple brides? Are we doing a YouTube thing?
珍 哪位是珍 Jen! Which one's Jen?
老兄 你要不知道 我更不知道 Aw, man, if you don't know, then I definitely don't.
她不在这里 这些新娘都他妈是谁 She's not here! Who the hell are these brides?
特里 搞什么 你你没找到她 Terry, what the hell? You‐‐ you didn't find her?
什么叫"找到她" 这他妈是什么情况 What do you mean "Find her"? What the fuck is going on?
从哪儿说起呢 Oh wow, where to begin.
我把那婊子变成了老鼠 I turned that bitch into a rat.
什么 What?
"天下没有免费的午餐" "Ass, grass, or gas. Nobody rides for free."
操你妈 你们这些什洛普星垃圾 Fuck you, you Shlorpian shit bags!
你们毁了我的生活 You've ruined my life!
滚你的 红克里斯 You know what, screw you, Red Chris!
你在床上跟我说你不爱珍 You pillow talk told me you didn't really love Jen.
是啊 这不是我们的错...等等 在床上 Yeah, this wasn't our fault‐‐ Wait, pillow talk?
-你们俩做了 -不是什么大事 忘了它吧 - Did you two doink? ‐ Nothing. Forget it.
我们滚了床单 别再提这事了 We banged. Shut up about it.
应对压力最好的办法就是直面它 The best way to cope with stress is to confront it.
只有这样你才能获得真正的快乐 Only then can you truly be happy.
或者至少得到一点满足 Or at least satisfied a little bit.
她说得对 你来自于我的压力 红疙瘩人 She's right. You are my stress, Red Goobler.
我 我不该耽于 I, I should have never gotten caught up
设法控制你或是改变你 trying to manage you or work with you.
我需要划清界限 I have to set boundaries.
所以我要激光烧了你 By lasering your ass!
受死吧 Get fucked!
该死 我们又回到原点了 Goddammit, now we're back where we started.
但我们都学到了珍贵的一课 But we all learned a valuable lesson.
至少你学到了 关于压力的教训 At least you did, about stress,
我想复制人们学到了关于作弊的教训 and I guess the replicants did about cheating.
我我什么都没学到 I‐I didn't learn anything at all.
把教训头盔给特里 Give Terry the lesson helmet
他就可以跟我们一样学个教训了 so he can learn a lesson like the rest of us.
我学到了 有些时候 I just learned that sometimes
感人的情节不适合放进严肃的大纲里 emotional stories don't fit into a rigid structure,
你只能接纳混乱 不要去担心 and you just have to embrace the chaos and not worry about it.
一家人整整齐齐 As a family.
我变成老鼠后快活多了
我差点嫁给了一坨红鼻屎
但现在我在一个巨大的下水道里
有吃不完的屎
还有幸和你在一起 丹尼斯 你是全镇最魁梧英俊的老鼠
吱吱吱 吱吱
你运气不错 要不是你床上功夫真好
我们的感情根本不会长久
如果你觉得你没有学到什么教训 请点击 If you feel like you haven't learned a lesson, please visit
www.外星也难民.com/说教器 www.Thesolaropposites.Com/lessonalyzer.
第一节课免费 You get the first lesson for free,
之后都是信用制 but it's on the honor system after that.
所以你要付我们钱 So you have to send us money.
你要是同意付钱 你就会学到一个教训 And if you agree to send the money, then you've learned a lesson.
要是不付 那你就是个抄袭动画的贱人 And if you don't, well, you're a dick that steals from cartoons.