小天自译 恶搞之家S01 双语字幕 持续更新
微博 @小天天天犯困 / B站 @黄景瑜的小天_
意大利新兴资产阶级思想政治家 历史学家
马基雅维利先生 你说的这些我都知道 Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know!
看看这本《孙子兵法》吧 Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
时间轴|翻译|压制 小天
斯特威 这些书不是给小朋友看的 Stewie, those books aren't for babies.
还是看《天线宝宝》吧 Here. Watch the Teletubbies.
你怎么敢的 How dare you!
那些书 是我将来奴役全人类的金钥匙 That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind.
唔 毛茸茸的 Fuzzy.
痒痒的 Tickle.
天啦 我心里越抗拒 就越被它们吸引 God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become!
我真的无法自拔 I can't look away!
再一次 再一次 Again! Again!
对对 再一次 再一次 我的亲娘了 Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Dear God,
满足我吧 please once more!
抱歉 斯特威 Sorry, Stewie.
《A&E人生传记》在播 威猛乐队成员的生活实录 A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham!.
我解脱了 逃离了天线宝宝们的邪恶咒语 I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!
谢谢你 Thank you.
当我统治世界之时 会赐你个安乐死 When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
♪ 似乎今日 你看着电视 ♪ ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ 只有电影里的暴力 还有少儿不宜 ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ 但那些我们曾信赖的... ♪ ♪ But where are those good, old-fashioned values ♪
♪ 优良的旧潮流价值观 去了哪里 ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ 一切尽在恶搞之家 ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ 还好有居家良男 为你讲述 ♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you ♪
♪ 让我们哭笑的 一起走过的路 ♪ ♪ all the things that make us laugh 'n' cry ♪
♪ 他 就是 居家良男 ♪ ♪ He's a family guy ♪
S01E05 - 我家隔壁住英雄
大家请注意 Attention, please.
明天我们要练习垒球 Tomorrow is softball practice.
为了周六的比赛 同志们仍需努力 We have a lot of work to do for Saturday's game.
咱们去年忍辱负重 被Pawtucket Joke和Novelties狠狠羞辱 Don't forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties.
看这群傻蛋 他们戴的眼镜也太傻逼了 Look at those morons and their stupid glasses.
我对他们深痛恶绝 Man. I hate those guys.
恨过吃菠菜 交通堵塞 还有前几年的《陆军野战医院》 More than I hate spinach, traffic jams, and the last few years of M*A*S*H.
只有我一个人觉得 阿伦·阿尔达接手幕后工作之后 When Alan Alda took over behind the camera...
整个剧像春晚小品一样 抓马且说教吗 ...and the show got all dramatic and preachy?
我说的对不对 谁赞成 Am I right? Who's with me?
今天 我们会用秘密武器 打败那群波塔基特人 This year we will defeat those Pranksters with our secret weapon...
他就是 吉勒莫 ...Guillermo.
绝了 Bravo!
我雇了吉勒莫 因为我觉得在工作领域 或球场上 I hired Guillermo because I believe he'll be an asset
他都会是个有用的人 to our company on and off the field.
你的资历令人无法挑剔 You have impeccable credentials.
公司肯定会 有你一处容身之地 I'm sure I can find a position for you somewhere.
大家继续工作吧 Back to work, people.
韦德先生 我设计了一款可以在电视卖的新型玩具 Mr. Weed, I got a great idea for a new line of TV action figures.
真人变形金刚 看好是怎么变形的 Facts of Life Transformers? Watch the transformation.
袖珍可爱似纽扣 Cute as a button...
肥头大耳似猛牛 fat as a cow...
放射核变蝎子 radioactive scorpion.
小心点 格兰特夫人 布莱尔驾到 Watch out, Mrs. Garrett. Here comes Blair.
- 我考虑下吧 - 他会考虑下诶 -I'll consider it. -He'll consider it!
我又从侏罗纪公园里 搞来了只毒口水蝎子 I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.
派特 我要公布答案 Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle.
*Tuck 缩阴术 把自己的√8藏起来 变装皇后们的必备技能
藏好你的雕 "Go tuck yourself in."
正确 You got it.
你差点就猜对了 老爹 Well, you were close, Dad.
确实 我还是无法释怀 咱们没猜出来"大姨毛很多" Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase, "My hairy aunt."
走吧布莱恩 我要去练垒球了 Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice.
练球 Practice?
我以为你要跟我去隔壁 欢迎下新邻居呢 I thought we'd go next door and welcome our new neighbors.
才不要 邻居什么的完全不想沾边 No. I don't want anything to do with neighbors.
上一个男邻居把我烤面包机借走 Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster.
就再也没还我 Never saw it again.
那个贱婆娘想夺得孩子们的完全监护权 我成全她 If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it.
皮特 他们可能人不错啊 Peter, they might be very nice people.
"人不错" 每个邻居都会这样标榜自己 "Very nice people." Yeah, that's what they always say.
结果纯属是坟头烧报纸 Then you open up the septic tank and...
糊弄鬼呢 Skeleton city!
死变态 Pervert!
你以为你自己是多大的美女啊 亲 是我没有汗腺 Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands.
好了 喜狗乐玩具公司的兄弟们 我们现在练习击球 Okay, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys. Time for batting practice,
吉勒莫 你先来 Guillermo, you're up.
很不幸强森今天没法投球了 Unfortunately Johnson isn't here to pitch today.
他老婆要生了 His wife is in labor.
什么 又不是他生孩子 What? Is the baby coming out of him?
无语 我来投 Jeez, I'll pitch.
你去投球和比尔·克林顿对人民的忠贞 I don't know what's more questionable,
我分不清这两个哪个更离谱一些 your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity.
能有多难.. How hard--
投球能有多难啊 How hard can it be to pitch?
*接替在先发投手、中继投手 或布局投手之后冻结比数的投手
- 好了 可以救援投手了 - 快来人打120 -Okay. Take your base. -Somebody call 911.
*一款深受美国消费者喜爱的葡萄酒
告诉医生他对青霉素 还有白仙粉黛过敏 Tell them he is allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel!
傻哔 你要是找不到能替代吉勒莫的人选 Idiot! If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo,
就被炒鱿鱼 you're fired!
天啊 被炒了之后我还能干嘛 Man. What'll I do if I get fired?
只能去做回我的老本行了 CK模特 I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model.
我不想平凡似众生 I don't wanna belike everyone else.
我却不想标新立异 But I don't wantto be different.
我只想做.. I just want to be.
《创:战纪》里那个反派叫什么来着 What was the name of the bad guy from Tron?
真的要逼疯我 This is gonna drive me nuts!
搬家对一个家庭来说 真的不容易 Moving is never easy on a family.
我们会怀念普罗维登斯那里 快节奏生活的 Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence.
*美国罗得岛州首府
但是我马上要生二胎了 乔伊说是时候搬家了 But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move.
本恋爱脑无法拒绝乔伊 永远不可 And I can't say no to Joe. Ever.
圆蛤市的生活也会很刺激的 Quahog can be pretty exciting, too.
上周 有人在宾果游戏里 把眼睛搞瞎了 Last week, someone lost an eye at Bingo.
I-17 真讨厌 I-17. Darn it.
我好多年没玩过宾果了诶 I haven't played Bingo in years!
收声 每次你俩见面 Silence! Ever since you two met,
除了聊废话 是屁事不干 you've done nothing but wax idiotic!
我必须逃跑 坚决不听你们咕咕day I must escape this infernal babble!
真是个小探索家 What a little explorer.
是啊 他对世界充满好奇 Yes. He's so full of wonder.
*美国传奇飞行员 从纽约市飞至巴黎 跨过了大西洋 其间并无着陆
看来现在 只能当林德伯格宝宝了 To be the Lindbergh baby right about now.
乔伊 你真得见见咱家新邻居 露易丝·格里芬 Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin.
我的荣幸 露易丝 这个小家伙是谁 It's a pleasure, Lois. Who's the little guy?
这是斯特威啦 This is Stewie.
宝贝 跟斯万森先生打个招呼 Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson.
你终将沦为我的身下奴 You will bow to me.
嗨 我是梅格 住你隔壁 Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door.
我知道 在远处花园见到你第一眼 我已心生钦佩 I know. I've admired you in the garden from afar.
- 你能跟我约会嘛 - 荣幸至极 -Will you go out with me? -I'd love to.
- 他是通讯录 - 我通你妈 - He's gay. - You wish!
你给我滚远点 死蠢驴 Get out of here, you mouth breather!
还不如被炒了算了 I'm as good as fired.
我去哪儿找吉勒莫那样的猛男啊 Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo?
有次我去更衣室 One time I walked into the locker room,
他把韦德先生当杠铃使 做卧推 I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed.
真好 露易丝又跟新邻居热乎起来了 Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors.
- 她想让你去打个招呼 - 她一直让我跟别人社交 -She wants you to meet them. - She's always making me be social.
参加鸡尾酒会啊 学校家长会啊 Cocktail parties, school functions,
还有那次 在耶路撒冷种树 that time we planted trees in Jerusalem.
干嘛 What?
以色列人跟阿拉伯人站一块 Look, all I'm saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy
我都看不出来有差别 and I can't tell the difference.
你就是皮特吧 You must be Peter.
- 乔伊·斯万森 - 好好 很高兴认识你 万人迷 -Joe Swanson. -Yeah, yeah. Nice to meet you, Phil.
你家另一边 还有一户邻居 You got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too.
所以你不要一有事 就来烦我 So, don't think you always have to bug me.
我会牢记于心 I'll keep that in mind.
对了 你有螺丝刀能借我用嘛 Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?
哥们 你们邻居堪比新冠 从借螺丝刀开始 Man, you neighbors are like viruses. Starts with a screwdriver.
还没反应过来呢 就霸占我的百宝箱 Before you know it, you're using my supermarket...
用我的干洗机 甚至撬走我家邮差 my dry cleaner, and even my postman.
你看那个男的多不要脸 Can you believe that guy?
你有螺丝刀能借我用嘛 "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?"
傻哔一样 What an ass.
皮特 你找到队伍的替补了吗 So peter, did you find a replacement for the team?
暂未 相信我 在找了 No. Believe me, I've been looking.
黑豆桑愿意跟你们一起比赛 Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team.
但他想知道 您能提供怎样的薪资待遇 But he wishes to know what compensation you offer.
我恒久的爱 Me love you long time.
妈呀 我也想帮你 但是现在我要去大厅 Gosh, I'd like to help. But I've gotta go out in the hall...
咬五分钟我的屁股 （应该是生虱子了 and chew on the back of my ass for five minutes.
皮特 我邀请乔伊跟邦妮 去看你周六的比赛啦 Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday.
露易丝 我看到他们就烦 Lois, I don't want those people there.
我都说了 要你事前上书请示我 See, this is why I ask you to submit everything to me in writing first.
邦妮跟我讲 乔伊是棒球的狂热粉丝 Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan.
他大学就打棒球了 He played in college.
真假 He did?
邻居们好呀 Welcome to the neighborhood.
嗨呀 乔伊 Hiya, Joe.
- 皮特 - 不用起来 -Peter! -Don't get up.
你能来真是惊喜 我以为你很讨厌我呢 This is a surprise. I kinda thought you didn't like me.
咋可能 因为我今天中午讲的话嘛 不是啦 What? Because of what I said this afternoon. No.
我得了一种 控制不住满嘴喷粪的病 See I have that disease where stuff pops out of your mouth.
滚蛋吧 去死吧 你懂我意思吧 Go to hell! Whoops. See what I mean?
我很遗憾 I'm so sorry.
我以为向你借螺丝刀 这要求有点过分了 I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver.
你开玩笑呢 你想借什么就借什么 Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want.
好哦 Great.
你有没有挂画的铁线啊 Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you?
挂画的铁线啊 你真他妈不作假 Picture wire? You son of a bitch.
狗娘养的 八国联军造的种 我又犯病了 Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! There it goes again.
我不想勉强你 I don't want to impose.
这有啥的 邻里互帮互助嘛 你知道邻居们还有什么活动嘛 No problem. That's what neighbors do. You know what else they do?
他们这周六 会在邻居上班的公司 打垒球比赛 They play on their neighbor's company softball team like this Saturday.
- 你意下如何 邻居 - 听起来不错 - What do you say, neighbor? - Sounds fun.
好玩程度堪比犯罪 So much fun it should be illegal
就跟侵权一样爽 like copyright infringement.
我们比赛见哦 乔伊 See you at the game, Joe.
- 要来片口香糖嘛- 谢谢你 -Hey, you want a piece of gum? -Thanks.
- 这是搞怪口香糖 - 什么意思啊 -That was joke gum. -What do you mean?
你现在染上毒瘾啦 Now you're addicted to heroin.
我好冷 I'm cold.
嘿 皮特 Hey, Peter!
你家人都能来现场太温馨了 皮特 It's nice that your family is here, peter!
但要是你找的替补还不来 那你就能天天跟他们在一起了 If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend every day with them...
家里蹲 ...at home.
他会来的 韦德先生 你真该看看他球场上的英姿 He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action.
- 他能打 能投 - 皮特 - He can hit, he can throw-- - Peter!
他坐个轮椅干嘛啊 What's he doing in a wheelchair?
我操了 他是个瘸子 Holy crip, he's a cripple!
皮特 咱们的新秘密武器 就是这个半身截瘫的威猛先生吗 Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic?
好啦 乔伊 你骗到我了 站起来惊艳全场 Okay, Joe, you got me. Rise and shine. Come on.
站起来 驰骋球场 哥们 Stand and deliver. Get the hell up.
你太好笑了 皮特 You're a hoot, Peter.
- 比赛开始 - 干就完了 -Play ball! -Let's do it!
我发誓我不知道 咱家应该不会给他接很多球的 I swear I didn't know. Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him.
*在第二垒与第三垒之间游走
我打游击手位 I got shortstop.
搬家工把我地毯弄得都是油污 The movers tracked grease all over my carpet.
- 所有去污方法我都试过了 - 试试柠檬汁怎么样 -I tried everything to get the stain out. -What about lemon juice?
- 苏打水怎么样 - 你们都给我闭上臭嘴怎么样 -What about club soda? -What about shutting the hell up?
棒球是不是可好玩啦 Isn't baseball great?
人家都说棒球是全国性娱乐 They say baseball's the national pastime.
我吃不出来咸味 I can't taste salt.
操了 别打给乔伊 求你别打给乔伊 Crap! Don't hit it to Joe. Please don't hit it to Joe!
你出局了 You're out!
牛啊 乔伊 半身截瘫也能carry全场 All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking space!
- 厉害呀 - 你看到了嘛 - All right! - Did you see that?
- 那是人家的乔乔 - 到底怎么事儿 - That's my Joe! - What the deuce?
半人半机器 威力居然如此巨大 Half man, half machine.
我为何不用这项技术 逃离身边这群可恶的死婆娘 Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans!
*美国DC漫画旗下超级英雄 半人半机器的生物
冲啊 钢骨 Go, cyborg!
成败在此一举了 It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders!
好欸 乔伊 冲呀 All right, Joe! Run!
就这样 乔伊 冲鸭 All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah!
快快快 乔伊 加油啊 Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos!
为乔伊欢呼吧 Let's hear it for Joe!
为找到乔伊的那个人欢呼吧 Yeah, let's hear it for the guy who found Joe!
行吧 Okay.
是不是好吃到吮指 这是个老警察的秘密配方 That's finger suckin' good? It's an old policemen's recipe.
大家敞开吃 Eat up, everyone.
今晚不止我老婆 大家都能尝到猪包毯了 Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.
*香肠为主菜的配菜佳肴 外面裹薄薄一层猪肉片
乔伊 你太幽默了 Joe, you're so funny.
派出所的同僚们最爱吃这个了 They love that one down at the Precinct.
恶心死了 布莱恩 乔伊抢光了我的风头 This sucks, Brian. Joe is stealing my thunder.
嘿 艾瑞巴蒂 林波舞时间到 Hey, everybody! Time to limbo!
*西印度群岛舞蹈 舞者向后弯腰钻过一次比一次降低的横杆
- 面对现实吧 他就是这个派对的主角 - 切 -Face it. He's the life of the party. -Yeah?
我让你看看主角到底是谁 I'll show you who's the life of the party.
大家看我 我穿着衣服掉池子里了 Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on!
真的太好笑了 How hilarious is that?
是我皮特·格里芬会干的事 That is so Peter Griffin.
大家 Guys?
兄弟们 Guys?
- 我有一个想法 - 皮特 过来 - That's my idea. - Peter, come here.
终于 有人注意到我了 Finally. A little recognition.
乔伊有个超棒的主意 Joe has the most wonderful idea.
我提议可以出一个残疾人玩的玩具 Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys, you know...
让残疾小朋友也能体会到 残疾人也有自己的快乐 ...to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged!
这样啊 一听就是小朋友想玩的玩具 牛逼 That's what kids want to play with. Yeah.
泡泡里的豆豆娃是吧 A Beanie Baby in a bubble.
*也常称为豆豆公仔 是一种使用豆状PVC材料 作为填充物的绒毛玩具
那我的主意呢 美女变臭虫 What about my idea? Come on! Toosie morphs into a stink bug.
乔伊 你就是我们公司需要的人才 Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company.
皮特 做个有用的人吧 去给你乔哥拿点喝的 Peter, make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink.
妈的 他先抢走我的哥们 又抢走我的工作 Jeez, first he takes my friends. Then he takes my job.
但是我戴帽子的方法 But the way I wear my hat...
不 不可以 这个他是抢不走的 No, no. He can't take that away from me.
妖人 你怎么可以半人半机器的 You! How came you by this metal construct?
- 快告诉我到底是谁制造了你 - 斯特威 指别人很不礼貌 -I demand to know who made you! -Stewie, it's not polite to point.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
没事啦 露易丝 他没见过轮椅有点好奇 That's okay, Lois. He's just curious about the chair.
大概十年前 我在一家孤儿院调查一起盗窃案 About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage.
当时是平安夜 很多礼物都被偷了 It was Christmas Eve and some presents had been stolen.
举起双手 你个贼人 Reach for the sky, dirtbag!
哥们 下半辈子圣诞节去牢里度过吧 All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas.
你觉得你赢了是吧 你觉得诸事顺利是吧 "You think you have won You think all is well
吃我绿屁 去极乐世界潇洒走一回吧你 "But kiss my green ass I shall see you in hell!"
你是提米吗 Are you Timmy?
圣诞快乐 提米 Merry Christmas, Timmy.
够了 Enough!
你要是敬酒不吃 不主动奉上你的设计图 If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably...
我会用一些强制手段 让你吃点罚酒 ...I shall take the information from you by force!
哇哦 看来你已经有小粉丝了 Wow. Looks like you have a fan.
- 真够了 咱们别在这呆了 - 皮特 你不能走的 -Come on. Let's get out of here. -Peter, you can't leave.
抱歉 我给妻儿承诺 Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd...
我要带他们去夏威夷 来一次轰轰烈烈的度假 ...take them on a dream vacation to Hawaii right now.
说aloha 孩子们 Say aloha, kids.
你好
你讲什么鬼话呢 What are you talking about?
我们想听多些斯万森先生的故事 We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories.
他好酷 老爹 他还杀过人 He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy.
严格地说 他是被政府杀害的 但搞笑的来了 Well, technically he was killed by the state, but funny story.
他在安乐死前 嘴里咒骂的是我的名字 He did curse my name just before the injection.
皮特 你到底又犯什么病 Peter, what's the matter with you?
你们怎么这么捧乔伊的臭脚 Why are you guys making such a big deal over Joe?
你太不尊重残疾人士了 你应该可怜他们 You don't admire wheelchair people. You're supposed to feel sorry for them.
宝贝 这只是台词 每个人都要爱自己
残障低能儿也配跟正常人相提并论吗 When did it become okay to be handicapped?
你说你妈呢 Don't talk like that!
他是个丰功伟绩的男人 且全家除了你 都很崇拜他 He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him!
666 那你怎么不直接嫁给他 Fine. Then why don't you all marry him?
他要真有你说的那么牛逼 那你让他站起来啊 And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this.
看我 我在走路呢 我是个丰功伟绩的男人 Hey, look at me. I'm walking. I'm a remarkable man.
看看是哪位大人回家了 Well, look who finally came home.
我还以为你会在乔伊那儿呆一整晚 I thought you were gonna spend all night at Joe's.
本来是 那男的手指头真神了 I could've. That man has got magic fingers.
他在我耳朵后面找到这个点 He found this one spot behind my ear, I...
算啦算啦 我以为我腿一辈子都停不下来了 Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop.
我难以置信 I don't believe this.
我全家人都在膜拜一个 连路都走不了的瘸子 My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on.
原因很简单啊 他是个英雄 世界因为他变得更好 It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero. He makes the world a better place.
我也帮过很多人啊 I've done lots of things to help people.
记不记得上次 我在主日学校给孩子们唱歌 Remember the time I sang to the kids at the Sunday school?
*基督教堂或犹太教堂 在星期日为儿童提供宗教教育
嗯呢 你还忘词了 Yes, you forgot the words.
♪ 上帝爱我 ♪ ♪ "Jesus loves me ♪
♪ 他真的很爱我 ♪ ♪ "He loves me a bunch ♪
♪ 因为他总是把日本女妓 ♪ ♪ "Because He always puts Skippy ♪
♪ 放进我的午餐 ♪ ♪ "In my lunch" ♪
不 这不是一回事 乔伊每天都在死亡的边缘试探 No. It's not the same thing. Joe puts himself in real danger every day.
你说得对啊 我永远都不会是那样的英雄 You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.
除非我也让陷入极度危险的境地 Unless I put myself in real danger, too!
还要为了我的家人 For my family's sake!
为什么美男都是无脑的 Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?
第三大道和主街交叉口发生枪击 三人受伤一人死亡 We have a gang shooting on Third and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
是我有问题 还是这个rap有毛病 Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
不啦 这是我新的警用无线电 No. It's my new police scanner.
一当我发现合适的罪案 英雄就很好当了 This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime.
- 有一起家庭纠纷 - 无聊 - We have a domestic disturbance-- - Boring!
报道一起持刀伤人事件 Report of a stabbing in--
各单位注意 圆蛤市信托银行正在发生重大抢劫案 All units! A major robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust.
嫌犯持有武器 极度危险 Suspects are armed and extremely dangerous.
- 完美 露易丝还有孩子们呢 - 在乔伊家 -Perfect! Where's Lois and the kids? -Over at Joe's.
好的 把他们找来 Well, go fetch 'em.
让他们看现实版的英雄救人 去蝙蝠侠基地 They're about to see a real hero in action. To the Batcave!
救命啊 不活了 要命啦 God! God! God!
你觉得乔伊很牛逼 但光说不行 眼见为实 You thought Joe was something. You ain't seen nothin' yet.
皮特 到底是什么刺激的事 Peter, what's the big rush?
好了 你们在这里等 All right, you guys wait right here.
爹地我要去取点钱 Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal.
给缇蜜一点鼓励的掌声 Give Tammy a round of applause.
这是她第一次被抢劫 她很勇敢 This was her first robbery and she was very brave.
那么在我们走之前呢 Now before we go--
不嘛 不要走 No, don't go.
小公主 我们必须走 Princess, we have to.
希望你们已经做好吃牢饭的准备了 I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys.
因为你们被邀请去个为期五年的大聚会 吴亦凡已经去了 Because there's a five-year sleepover at the big house. And you're invited.
别想活捉我们 You'll never take us alive!
露易丝跟孩子们真该在现场 Lois and the kids should be in here to see this.
没错 一切发展蛮顺利 Yes. It's going very well.
老妈 要是你暗恋的男孩把你当空气 你会怎么做 Mom, what do you do when you like a boy but he doesn't even notice you?
梅格暗恋凯文 Meg loves Kevin.
闭肛 你个弱智烂脏货 Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!
梅格 你是个可爱小甜妹 他会回心转意的 Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl. He'll come around.
经典老妈式回答 Such a mom answer.
那你有没有把自己打扮的漂漂亮亮的 Have you tried showing off the goods?
这还是不是经典老妈回答啦 How's that for a mom answer?
来鬼了吧 Creepy.
我看到这条街有卖可爱裙子的 I saw some cute dresses down the street.
要是没别的问题 买衣服会让你心情愉悦的 If nothing else, it'll make you feel better.
走啦宝贝们 Come on, you guys.
你要是想当英雄 现在就是最好时机 If you want to be a hero, now might be a good time.
这可跟我想象中的不太一样 This isn't what I was expecting.
我以为当英雄就跟打游戏一样 就是玩 I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
抱歉 神奇女侠 我有三张王 看看你的对子 Sorry, Wonder Woman. I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
不错哈 罗宾 你一直盯着我瞅啥呢 看她啊 All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
过来 咱们走吧 Come on. Let's get out of here.
嗷 真好 Perfect.
我们有人质 别耍什么花招 We got hostages! Don't try anything funny!
别怕 布莱恩 我有个计划 Don't worry, Brian. I got a plan.
那太好了 我以为你想临场发挥一段呢 Good. I was afraid you were just gonna improvise.
讲真 我想用那个小女孩当个肉盾 Actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield...
然后一路狂奔 ...and run like hell.
但你提到临场发挥 我突然心生一计 But improvise, that'll be easier on my back.
我们即兴表演的安排是 缇蜜跟这个低个子劫匪 是一对夫妻 Okay, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wife.
- 好嘞 大家想我们在哪 - 在酒吧 - Okay. And where are we? - A bar!
- 在宠物店 - 在墨西哥的瓜达拉哈拉 - A pet store! - Guadalajara, Mexico!
可以可以 我听有人说宠物店 那我是粗鲁但惹人爱的店长 Okay, okay. I heard pet store. And I'm the gruff but lovable owner.
好了 开演 All right. Begin.
哈喽 这对小情侣 你们看中这条小狗了嘛 Hello, married couple. I see you found a puppy.
啊是 他叫闪闪 Yeah. His name is Sparky.
那你们带闪闪回家前 让我检查一下它身上有没有寄生虫 Well, before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms.
结束了 放下武器 Okay, drop it!
可以了大家 咱们出去吧 All right, you guys. Let's get out of here.
往后站 All right, stand back!
妈呀 等下 抱歉 谁都不能走 Whoa. Hang on. Sorry, no one can leave.
听着 我今天之所以救大家 是因为我想做个英雄 Listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero.
有个轮椅男搬到我隔壁 他做过很多好人好事 This wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and--
你的家人们都崇拜这个死瘸子 但不崇拜你是吗 Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?
没错 你咋知道的 That's right! How'd you know?
我们都经历过 We've all been there.
帅呀 银行被抢劫了 Cool! The bank is getting jacked!
警官大人 我老公还在里面 Officer, my husband's in there!
- 能告诉我他现在安全吗 - 他长什么样 -Can you tell me if he's okay? -What's he look like?
他穿个白领衬衫 块头很大 戴个眼镜 He's wearing a white-collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses.
- 找到他了 - 谢天谢地 - I got him. - Thank God.
- 击毙他 - 不要啊 -Take him out. -No!
*美国第35任总统 1963年11月22日被枪击刺杀 好地狱的笑话......
快看哪 是约翰·肯尼迪头像的皮礼士糖果盒 Check it out! It's John F Kennedy Pez Dispenser.
*1963年在街道上被一枪爆头... 有记者拍下其妻子慌张去捡头盖骨照片
还好我有鲍比·肯尼迪头像的皮礼士糖果盒 Good thing I still have my Bobby Kennedy Pez Dispenser.
嘿 我的家人们在那里 Hey, there's my family.
我想跟你说 我抢劫银行的原因 I just want you to know I rob banks...
因为一个聋子 抢走了我在电话公司的工作 ...because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company.
如果注定会被枪击 死在你手里我很开心 So if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you.
但 但我差点成英雄 But... But I was gonna be a hero.
谁都不许走 Nobody's going anywhere!
乔伊 是皮特 他摊上事了 Joe, it's Peter! He's in trouble!
圆蛤市银行一场抢劫未遂案 A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust...
勇猛斗牛犬袭击 单翼轻型飞机
演化成一场可怕的人质劫持事件 has led to a terrifying hostage situation.
没错 人质挟持事件 That's right. A hostage situation.
- 我得出动了 - 我知道 -I gotta go. -I know.
咱们要是想给警察个下马威 我们得杀个人质 If we want the cops to take us seriously, we have to waste a hostage.
但"杀哪只" But who?
- 打断下 应该是"杀哪个"吧 - 决定了 就杀你 -Excuse me. Shouldn't that be "whom"? -Okay, you.
我操 Crap!
我是警督乔伊·斯万森 This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson.
我们愿意帮你们 没有过不去的坎 I know we can work this out together.
他怎么阴魂不散 希望这里没有无障碍通道 Geez, Not him again. I hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible.
邦妮 皮特在里面 Bonnie, it's Peter.
别担心 乔伊是个出色的谈判家 Don't worry. Joe's an excellent negotiator.
我们相遇的时候我是处女 I was a virgin when we met.
他只哄我三小时 我便自愿放弃童贞 It took him three hours.
我老爹竟在里面做人质 I can't believe my dad is in there.
我可能会有一辈子的心理阴影 This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life.
我穿了个新裙子 I got a new dress.
多聊聊他 Try talking about him.
所以 你喜欢音乐嘛 So do you like music?
嗯呐 我们搬家前 我是乐队的吉他手 Yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved.
但这影响了我的学习 你平时都听什么 But it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
你先讲 You first.
我听Garbage乐队 钓鱼乐队 模糊乐队 I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur.
成立于1993年四人乐队
美国摇滚乐团 2004年8月解散后 又再一次在2009年复合
英国摇滚乐队
我父母不喜欢我听那些玩意儿 My parents don't like me listening to that stuff.
但我非要听 因为我不是机器人 But I do anyway because I am not a robot!
我还爱听电台司令乐队 I also like Radiohead.
1992年 推出首支单曲《Creep》 2009年获得了 第51届格莱美奖最佳另类音乐专辑奖
即使这个社会弃你们于不义 And even though society has turned its back on you...
但我保证 依然会有关心你的人 I promise you there are people who care.
而且你们知道吗 我就是其中之一 And you know what? I'm one of them.
他真说到心窝里了 He sure gets it.
他说的有道理 我们应该有个新开始 Maybe he's right. We can make a new start.
你们俩是傻逼吗 Come on, guys.
皮特真的好书币 很难想象他的精神状态 这很难评 我祝他平安...
说点好话你们就服软吗 Don't let him sweet talk you like that.
等下 你们不能走 Wait. You can't leave now.
我才该是今天的大英雄 等下啊 I'm supposed to be the hero. Wait!
你好歹对着镜头 让我用手枪抽你几下啊 Can you let me pistol-whip you a couple times for the camera?
俩没成色的傻逼劫匪 抢劫跟过家家似的 Stupid robbers with your guns and your make-out parties.
太好了 Excellent!
他们把人体部件从机器上拆下来了 They detached the human component from the machine.
机器 现在我是你的新主人 我命令你火速跑走 Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go!
契约签订 Engage!
操他妈 一定是某种专有命令系统 Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system.
目前苏联多用途战斗机的控制按钮 在高度计旁边 Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter.
你在这啊 一眼没看你就给我乱跑 There you are. I can't turn my back on you for a second.
总有一天我会破译机器背后的秘密 One day I shall unlock the secret of that device.
当我得手之时 老妈 胜利终将... And when I do, Mother, victory shall be--
皮特 你要惊死我们了 Peter, you had us so worried.
你到底想证明个什么玩意儿 What on earth were you trying to prove?
抱歉 乔伊确实是个好男人 I'm sorry. Joe is a great guy.
我只是生气 他可以做你的英雄 I guess I was just tired of him being your hero.
皮特 乔伊是个英雄不假 但他不是我们的英雄 Peter, Joe is a hero. But he's not our hero.
- 你才是 - 真假 -You are. -Really?
当然啦 Yeah.
你总是陪在我们身边 You're always right there on the couch for us,
在我们难过的时候逗我们开心 making us laugh when we're upset.
电视节目无聊的时候 会帮我们换台 Changing the channel when something boring comes on.
为了不让我们争抢 吃掉剩的最后一片匹萨 Eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it.
是呀爹地 如果今天没有你 Yeah, Daddy. If you hadn't pulled this stunt...
我永远学不会怎么拿捏凯文 I never wouldn learn how to manipulate Kevin.
学校里的小朋友们 在电视上看到我们 And when the kids at school see us on TV...
他们肯定觉得你就是个大神经病 they'll think you're a total psycho.
我就可以自豪的对他们讲 "那个神经病是我爹" And I can say, "That psycho is my dad!"
要不是你每天早上六点 开车送我去溜冰场 I wouldn't have won silver in Nagano,
我在长野肯定也拿不到银牌 had you not driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 a.m.
原来英雄并不是非要救死扶伤 惩恶扬善 I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys.
能守护自己爱的人 你也是了不起的英雄 It's also about just being there for the people you love.
救命 有人把我包偷了 Help! Someone just stole my purse!
关我屁事 您哪位啊 Who cares? I don't even know you.