♪貌似今天你所见♪ ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪非黄即暴满荧屏♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪礼义廉耻吾所赖♪ ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪而今何处去追寻?♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪幸甚吾有《居家男》♪ ♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪幸甚此君故事多♪ ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪有时使人展笑颜♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪有时使人泪涟涟♪ ♪ laugh and cry. ♪
♪他就是个居…家…男！♪ ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
（中文字幕：zurica 校对：子夜阳，多而不精） @familyguy贴吧字幕组 英文字幕+时间轴：honeybunny
♪ Family Guy 8x05 ♪ Hannah Banana（当然是恶搞了汉娜·蒙塔娜的名字） 首播时间2009年11月8日
嗨，Chris Hi, Chris.
你的科学课考试成绩怎样？ How'd you do on your science test?
我得了D I got a "D."
D？好极了！ A "D"? That's fantastic!
开个玩笑了。我知道这表明你很挫 Just kiddin'. I know it means you suck.
到这儿来，你这个讨人喜欢的傻瓜 Come here, you delightful idiot.
又得了D吗，Chris？ Another "D," Chris?
很抱歉，妈妈，不过科学课实在太难了 I'm sorry, Mom, but science is so hard.
好吧，也许你需要一些额外的帮助 Well, maybe you just need a little extra help.
爸爸，你能辅导我做作业吗？ Dad, would you help me with my homework?
呃，Chris，我得告诉你，这听起来 Uh, Chris, I've got to tell you, that sounds worse
比逛一个破烂商场还要糟糕 than a trip to a failing mall.
好了，孩子们，你们的妈妈 All right, kids, your mom is
要去前台护栏网掉了一半的 going to go to the Cinnabon that has the cage
Cinnabon点心店，而我要去 pulled halfway down, and I'm going to go
那个堆满了垃圾的坏掉的喷泉边上的音响店 to the stereo store next to the dead fountain with garbage in it.
我们说好了在这个脱了胶的 Let's say we meet back here under the glue outline
破旧的限行标志下面见 of the old Limited sign.
好吧，反正也无所谓 Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
每次我要学习的时候，邪恶猴子 Every time I try to study, the Evil Monkey
就会从壁橱里蹦出来吓唬我 comes out of my closet and scares me.
噢，老天，Chris，你现在都上高中了哎 Oh, for God's sake, Chris, you're in high school now.
别老扯什么邪恶猴子了 Stop talking about that evil monkey.
他不是真实的 He's not real.
他太真实了！ He is too real!
我能证明！ I can prove it!
好吧，你得在科学课考试上 Well, you'll have to do a better job
做的更好一些 than you did on your science test.
或者要比上帝把熨斗放在 Or than God did when he left the iron
Ellen Barkin（演员）的脸上太长时间那次要强 on Ellen Barkin's face too long.
噢，我日 Oh, damn.
- 怎么了？ - 你知道吗？ - How is it? - You know what?
我们要把你送到八十年代，你会走红的 We'll put you in the '80s. You'll pass for hot.
现在和Kelly McGillis（演员）一起上那辆小货车吧 Now get in the van with Kelly McGillis.
下一站：好莱坞！ Next stop: Hollywood!
接下来，将播出Hannah Montana的巡演 Up next, the Hannah Montana marathon.
- 吔！- 而且有个好消息告诉所有的粉丝 - Yes! - And for all you fans,
Miley Cyrus的巡演将来到Quahog的市民中心 The Miley Cyrus Tour is coming to the Quahog Civic Center
只有三天晚上的时间 for three nights only.
现在就拨打电话订票吧！ Call to get your tickets now!
噢！噢！天啊！噢，天哪！噢，天哪！ Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
但现在票已售完，暂时不能拨打 But not now, 'cause it just sold out.
什么？哦，不！不！不，不！不！ What? Oh, no! No! No, no! No!
反正我要打电话！ I'm calling anyway!
我需要Hannah Montana演唱会门票，现在就要！ I need Hannah Montana tickets and I need them now!
别管我是谁！你们到底能不能卖? Never mind who this is! Can you get them or not?
我觉得我似乎应该先拨个号什么的 I guess I should dial something first.
什么东西这么吵？你在看什么？ What's all the noise? What are you watching?
抱歉，但是你懂规矩的 Sorry, but you know the rules.
Hannah不能去拍照 Hannah can't do the photo shoot
除非Miley完成了她的家庭作业 until Miley finishes her homework.
你不能规定Hannah去做什么 You can't tell Hannah what to do.
她又不是你的女儿 She's not your daughter.
等等，这么说Miley是我的女儿，但Hannah不是？ Wait, so Miley's my daughter, but Hannah isn't?
- 对 - 很好 - Right. - Great.
戴上你的假发 Put your wig on.
闭嘴！我是说真的！ Shut up! This is real.
哈！你还看《Hannah Montana》？ Ha! You're watching Hannah Montana?
这个，嗯，找点乐子嘛 Well, yeah. To make fun of it.
我是说，看看她穿这身衣服有多傻 I mean, look how stupid she is with her clothes
还有她的妆容，还有…还有…还有…还有… and her makeup and... and... and... and...
还有那绚丽的头发，还有，哦，天哪！ and that fabulous hair and, oh, my God!
Brian，这是我最喜欢的节目！是我任何时候都最喜欢的节目！ Brian, it's my favorite show! It's my favorite show ever!
- 太娘了 - 而且她马上就要到镇上来了 - Gay. - And she's coming to town
我必须搞到票，Brian and I have to get tickets, Brian.
- 你必须帮我搞到票 - 不 - You have to help me get tickets! - No.
这是个烂节目，太浪费时间了 It's a stupid show and a huge waste of time.
但是…她是我的最爱 But... She's my favorite.
噢，天啊，你…你这是哭了吗？ Oh, my God, are you... are you crying?
是的！Hannah Montana是我的偶像！ Yes! Hannah Montana is my hero!
我太，太喜欢她了 I love her so, so much.
而且这是她来我们镇上唯一的一次 And this is the only time she's gonna be in town
不然我就永远看不到她了！ and now I'll never get to see her!
你帮帮我好吗？ Will you help me?
这样啊，那好吧 All right, fine.
嗨，Chris Hey, Chris.
- 你还想练习接吻么？ - 我忙着呐 - You want to practice kissing again? - I'm busy.
我昨晚安装了一个视频摄像头，这样我就能 I set up a video camera last night so I can prove
证明给爸妈看，邪恶猴子是真实存在的了 to Mom and Dad that the Evil Monkey is real,
现在我看看拍到了什么 and I want to see what I got.
哼，啥也没有 Huh. Nothin'.
那好，是时候出狠招了 All right, it's time to play rough.
（免费的猴粮）
我抓到你了，你这个混蛋！ I got you, you bastard!
看，他在这儿呢 Well, here he is.
邪恶猴子！ The Evil Monkey!
你们现在相信我了吧？ Do you believe me now?!
我勒个去！ Holy crap!
真的有啊！ It is real!
噢，天哪！我还以为只有我有呢 Oh, my God! I thought I was the only one.
Meg，我们在…我们在… Meg, we're do... we're doin'...
我们在处理Chris的猴子 We're doin' Chris' monkey.
哦，天啊，Chris说的没错！ Oh, my God, Chris was right!
我勒个去，Chris，这个东西危险吗？ Holy crap, Chris, is that thing dangerous?
是的，他很邪恶！ Yes, he's evil!
我其实并不邪恶！ I'm not really evil.
他说话了！ It talks!
如果…如果有人能好心解开我 If... if someone will please untie me,
我会解释这一切的 I'll explain everything.
不，爸爸，别那么做！ No, Dad, don't do it!
他很邪恶！ He's evil!
听着，相信我就好了 Look, just trust me.
这只是一个极大的误会 This is all a huge misunderstanding.
Chris，我想我们应该给他一个机会解释 Chris, I think we should give him a chance to explain himself.
不！ No!
非常感谢！ Thank you very much.
是这样，我知道住在你儿子的壁橱里 Now, I know this looks bad,
如此种种，看起来的确不好 me living in your son's closet and all,
但这个事情很复杂 but it's a very complex situation.
差不多是这样，有天我下班回家 You see, basically, I got home from work one day,
发现我老婆和别的猴子乱搞 and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
哦，太可怕了！ Oh, that's terrible.
离婚后我一直非常消沉 I fell into a deep depression after the divorce,
结果最终使我丢掉了工作 which ended up costing me my job.
我的钱都花掉了，意味着我无家可归 All my money was gone, which means I lost the house.
所以，我搬进了Chris的壁橱 So, I moved into Chris' closet,
直到我从失败中重新站起来 just until I got back on my feet again.
在那里闭门住了九年 Wound up living in there for nine years.
噢，天啊，那你错过了很多事情啊 Oh, my God, you've missed so much!
比如美国被某个 Like when America was attacked
精神失常的自杀炸弹携带者袭击了 by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
Allahu akbar!
你知道吗？ You know something?
你其实根本不邪恶，对吧？ You're not evil at all, are you?
是啊，他不邪恶 No, he's not.
他只是一个不走运的倒霉家伙 He's just a poor fellow who's down on his luck.
你们说的倒轻松！ Easy for you to say!
他可没有躲在你们的壁橱里做吓人的表情！ He doesn't hide in your closet making a scary face!
那只是我在思考时的表情 That's just the face I make when I'm thinking.
而且你还总是指着我！ And you're always pointing at me!
我只是尝试和你对话 I was trying to start a conversation.
你还做那些诡异的可怕的事情！（指猴子从身上找盐粒吃） And you do that weird trembling thing!
我身体缺乏铜元素 I have a copper deficiency.
听着，Chris，如果我以前吓着你了，那我很抱歉 Look, Chris, I'm sorry if I scared you before,
但这是一个很好的机会来结束我们的恩怨啊 but this is a great chance for us to start over.
不，才不是呢！ No, it isn't!
你可以欺骗其他人，但你骗不了我 You can fool everyone else, but you can't fool me!
你去死吧！ You go to hell!
好吧，记着要表现的有点派头 Okay, now remember to play it cool.
就像你在这儿工作一样 Act like you belong here.
哦，天啊，Miley！我爱你！我爱你！ Oh, my God, Miley! I love you! I love you!
我爱你！我是你的超级粉丝！ I love you! I'm your biggest fan!
我能摸摸你的头发吗？ Can I touch your hair?!
你们俩是谁？ Who are you guys?
你们怎么又来了？ How did you get back here?
是这样的，我真的很抱歉 Look, I'm really sorry about this.
这是我的朋友Stewie This is my friend Stewie.
他…他就是个小孩子，是你的超级粉丝，而且… H... he's just a baby and he's your biggest fan and...
他得了癌症 he has cancer.
哦，天哪！真的？ Oh, my God! Really?
是啊，他脑袋里有一个 Yeah, he's got a tumor in his head
- 足球那么大的肿瘤 - 我好像看见了 - the size of a football. - I think I can see it.
呃，既然这样 Well, in that case,
我再把你们扔出去就不太合适了 I wouldn't feel right about throwing you out.
况且你还是我的超级粉丝 Especially if you're my biggest fan.
我是说，Sarah Silverman（喜剧演员）是你能见到的 I mean, Sarah Silverman is just one of the most
最了不起的人 wonderful people you'll ever meet.
哦，听起来很不错 Oh, that's so good to hear.
我也想喜欢她。她太风趣了 I want to like her. She's so funny.
我也希望她人很好 I want her to also be nice.
哼，很高兴看到你们和这个折磨了我好几年的 Well, I'm glad you guys are having such a great time
邪恶的家伙相处的这么愉快 with that evil thing that tortured me for years!
爸，我还以为你要辅导我写读书报告 Dad, I thought you were going to help me with my book report.
Chris，这儿有一只猴子 Chris, there is a monkey here.
我刚刚喂了他一整袋赛百味三明治 And I just fed him a whole bag of Subway sandwiches.
几个小时之内，我们都准备坐在这里 In a couple hours, we are going to sit around
用他柔软的面包粪互相扔（？） and throw his soft bread stool at each other.
现在，你也可以参与进来 Now, you are welcome to be a part of that.
或者拒绝 Or not.
我可是告诉你要发生什么了 I'm just telling you what's gonna happen.
好吧，不谢了，老爸！ Well, thanks for nothing, Dad!
别管他，猴子 Don't mind him, Monkey.
他就是个极不给力的人 He's just a big disappointment.
就好像那些远看像DVD的东西 Like things that look like DVDs from far away.
DVD！ DVDs!
噢，书啊 Aw, books.
（《麦田里的守望者》是一本好书， 写的是一个麦田里的守望者…）
啊…太舒服了 Ah... That feels so good.
你就是个艺术家 You are an artist.
谢谢 Thank you.
Lois可不喜欢我的脚趾甲 Lois doesn't like my toenails
因为它们在夜里戳着她了 'cause they stab her in the night.
听到了吗，Lois? Hear that, Lois?
有人喜欢我的脚趾甲哎 Somebody likes my toenails.
恭喜你了，Peter Good for you, Peter.
恭喜这个家 Good for this family.
恭喜我们所有的人 Good for all of us.
妈！爸！ Mom! Dad!
我的读书报告得了A I got an "A" on my book report!
很棒嘛，宝贝！ That's wonderful, honey!
祝贺你，Chris，你写的是什么？ Congratulations, Chris. What'd you write about?
我，呃… I, um...
《好奇猴乔治》（2006年的美国动画）中的奴隶贸易隐喻 "The Slave Trade Allegory of Curious George."
等…等等，我…我写的不是这个啊 W... wait a minute, I didn't... I didn't write this.
哦，是吗？ Oh, really?
是…是你写的吗？ Did... Did you write this?
好吧，也不能全归功给我 Well, I can't take all the credit.
我这几年在你睡觉的时候听你讲话 I've been listening to you talk in your sleep for years,
所以我只是把你的想法放在了纸上，仅此而已 so I just put your thoughts on paper, that's all.
哇，这是别人为我做的最感人的一件事了 Wow, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
谢谢你，邪恶猴…谢谢你，猴子 Thanks, Evil Monk... thanks, Monkey.
啊，我本该站起来抱抱你，但是坐在这里 Ah, I'd get up to hug you, but sittin' down's
是唯一能憋住屎的办法了 the only thing keepin' the poop in.
哎，没关系啦 Nah, that's okay.
简直不敢相信我坐在这里 I can't believe I'm sitting here
和你在一起，Miley Cyrus with you, Miley Cyrus.
就好像我在梦中一样 It's like I'm in a dream.
嗯，这也使我开心，Stewie Well, that makes me happy, Stewie.
你在做什么？ What are you doing?
哦，我刚刚写了一些新歌词 Oh, I'm just writing some new lyrics.
哦？你给自己写歌词？ Oh, you write your own lyrics?
- 是啊 - 我也写了一些… - Yeah. - So do I...
哦？你写了一首歌？ Oh, you wrote a song?
看看你 Look at you.
你简直是就是一个十足的小Tim McGraw（乡村歌手） You're a regular little Tim McGraw.
哦，哦，我… Oh, oh, I'm...
我…我比Tim McGraw要好那么一点 I'm... I'm a little better than Tim McGraw.
嗨，这些很不错啊，Stewie Hey, these are pretty good, Stewie.
真的吗？ Really?
你觉得你能唱吗？ Do you think you could sing them?
除非你和我一起唱 Only if you sing with me.
哇哦！哇哦！ Ooh! Ooh!
♪你我并不那么合拍♪ ♪ You and I didn't quite get along ♪
♪自从我们首次邂逅♪ ♪ when we first met. ♪
♪当我们呆在一起♪ ♪ When you put us together ♪
♪却不能完全融合♪ ♪ we just didn't blend. ♪
♪可我越了解你♪ ♪ But the more that I know you, ♪
♪就越有把握说♪ ♪ the more it's a good bet ♪
♪我们已经慢慢成为♪ ♪ that we've got what it takes ♪
♪世上最要好的朋友♪ ♪ to be very best friends... ♪
♪友情永远是最好的♪ ♪ Friendship is the best thing ever, ♪
♪除非有更好的友情♪ ♪ except for best friendship, ♪
♪比它好那么一点点♪ ♪ which is a little better. ♪
♪你是说好得多♪ ♪ You mean a lot better. ♪
♪我是说好得多♪ ♪ I mean a lot better. ♪
♪现在我们是朋友♪ ♪ Now we're friends, ♪
♪对啊，没人能够♪ ♪ yes it's true that no one else ♪
♪成为像你这样的朋友♪ ♪ can friend me like you. ♪
♪友情永远是最好的♪ ♪ Friendship is the best thing ever, ♪
♪除非有更好一点点的友情♪（杯具的Aquaman） ♪ except for best friendship which is a little better. ♪
♪你是说好得多♪ ♪ You mean a lot better. ♪
♪我是说好得多…♪ ♪ I mean a lot better... ♪
♪和你在一起♪ ♪ With you. ♪
嗨，你们两个干嘛去了？ Hey, where you guys been?
我们去了父子烧烤 We went to the father/son barbecue.
你们全程开车去了Fatherson弄烧烤？（哈哈，笑死我鸟） You drove all the way up to Fatherson for a barbecue?
不是的，爸，那是一个父亲和儿子参加的烧烤活动 No, Dad, it was a barbecue for fathers and sons.
等等…你和这个猴子 Wait a minute... you went with the monkey
去参加父子活动了？ to a father/son thing?
对啊，谁像你那样，从来哪儿都不带我去 Well, it's not like you ever take me anywhere.
- 什么？ - 呃，听着，Peter，我并不是… - What? - Oh, listen, Peter, I didn't...
- Meg，住嘴！（⊙﹏⊙b汗）- 就是那样的 - Meg, please! - It's true.
你从来都不愿意为我做任何事情！ You never want to do anything with me!
但是这个猴子却带我去了所有我想去的好玩的地方 But the monkey's been taking me to all the fun places I like,
而且他还辅导我所有的功课！ and he's been helping me with all my homework!
他帮我的代数拿了个A！ He helped me get an "A" in algebra!
这个猴子怎么知道你的代数需要辅导？ How did the monkey know you needed help with algebra?
因为他开口问了！ Because he asked!
这就对了，老爸 That's right, Dad.
你从来都不问，就算你问了 You never ask, and even if you did,
你也从来都不听！ you never listen!
现在你冲这个猴子发飙了 And now you're getting mad at the monkey
就因为他关心我吗？ because he actually cares?
去你的！ Screw you!
你是这个世界上最烂的老爸了，我恨你！ You are the worst dad in the world and I hate you!
那好…那好，我也恨你！ Well... Well, I hate you, too!
啊，我日 Ah, damn.
我把手机忘在那个“猴”子烧烤了 I left my cell phone up at that monkey/kid barbecue.
我以为你说的是父子烧烤 I thought you said it was a father/son barbecue.
没错，不过那是面向猴子的孩子的 Yeah, but it was up in Monkeykid.
什么？！ What?!
（恶搞了《印第安纳琼斯：夺宝奇兵》中的片段）
哇，你们这些家伙今天早上这么安分啊 Boy, you guys have been awful quiet this morning.
Lois，你能让Chris把枫糖浆递给我吗？ Lois, could you ask Chris to pass the maple syrup?
Meg，你能告诉老爸 Meg, could you tell Dad
他太肥了，不能吃更多糖浆了吗？ that he's too fat to need extra syrup?
Lois，你能告诉Chris我很遗憾 Lois, could you tell Chris that I'm sorry
把他留种在你的阴道里吗？（⊙﹏⊙b汗） I ever planted the seed version of him in your vagina?
我说你们两个都别这样 I want you two to stop this.
父亲和儿子怎么能这样相处呢 This is no way for a father and son to act.
好哇，对他来说，那个蠢猴子 Well, according to him, that stupid monkey's
比我更像他的爹吧 more of a father to him than I am.
他在我身上花时间了，而你什么也没做 He makes time for me and you never do.
你本该爱我，但你所作都是在伤害我 You're supposed to love me and all you do is hurt me.
今天早上我便秘的很痛苦 This morning I had a hard poo that hurt,
但是后来就好多了 but then it felt great.
Meg，我本来马上就要发飙了 Meg, I'm trying to be mad right now,
但是这个让我只想发笑 but that's making me want to smile.
这个肯定能搞臭Chris This'll get Chris.
嗨，同学们 Hey, classmates.
Griffin。你长胖了？ Griffin. Did you gain weight?
呃，这个不是重点 Eh, that's not important.
你们知道什么是重点吗？ But you know what is important?
我现在是同性恋了 I'm gay now.
咱们大家一起找个地方搞基吧 Let's all of us go be gay somewhere together.
然后你们可以告诉你们所有的朋友 And then you go tell all your friends
我欢迎他们来和我搞基 that I welcome them to be gay with me, too.
因为我是同性恋 Because I am gay.
我会和你们搞基 I'll be gay with you.
哦，太棒了 Oh, this is too perfect.
Chris最终将会变得很娘 Chris is going to be so gay by the end of this.
这是什么？ What's this?
“把你的脑袋放在这两根系着的木头中间 "Put your head between these two restrained logs
就可以得到一顶免费的帽子”？ and win a free hat"?
好吧，这可是个不费脑筋的好事 Well, that's a no-brainer.
来啊，你这个死肥逼 Come on, you fat (bleep).
照着做啊 Do it.
（这里恶搞了《星战：杰迪归来》中Ewok人 伏击全地形战术执行者AT-TE的场景）
谁还在笑？ Who's laughing now?
我拿到我的帽子了 I got my hat.
嗨，伙伴们，我在Pinkberry冷饮店停了一下 Hey, guys. I stopped at Pinkberry
给每个人都买了一些 and I got some for everybody.
- 哇，谢谢了 - 不客气 - Wow, thanks. - You're welcome.
我该去露面接受媒体采访了 I've got to go put on my face for press interviews.
Stewie，把我的手机递给我好吗？ Stewie, can you hand me my cell phone?
哦，好啊 Oh, sure.
谢谢！ Thanks!
真奇怪…你听到了吗？ That was weird... did you hear that
我把手机递给她的时候 when I was giving her the phone?
- 没有 - 就好像，信号干扰什么的 - No. - It was like, interference or something.
等等 Wait a second.
哦，天哪！ Oh, my God!
她是个机器人！ She's an android!
Miley Cyrus是个机器人！ Miley Cyrus is an android!
怪不得了 Of course.
她就是迪士尼幻想工程的产品 She's a product of Disney imagineering.
他们制造了一个完美的机器人青少年偶像 They built a perfect robot teen idol.
是啊，那她肯定立于不败之地了 Yes, assuring that she could never fail.
就像著名的决斗者 Like famous duelist
亨利·“大洞贯身”·威肯谢尔爵士 Sir Henry "Giant-Hole-in-the-Torso" Wickenshire.
啊哈！刚好从我身体中穿过去了！ Aha! Right through me!
准备接受我的回射吧，约瑟夫·“宽身”爵士 Prepare for returned fire, Sir Joseph Broadfront.
我给你最后一次机会收回 I give you one last chance to rescind
你羞辱我为“平庸的花花公子”的话 tour insult of calling me a "common dandy."
绝不！ Never!
天哪，我不敢相信她是个机器人 My God, I can't believe she's an android.
你觉得我们应该告诉别人或者做点什么吗？ Do you think we should tell someone or do something?
好吧，我们做点什么吧 Well, we could do something.
- 比如？ - 呃，看看她 - Like what? - Well, look at her.
她像真正的女孩一样跳舞，她像真正的女孩一样运动 She dances like a real girl. She moves like a real girl.
对啊？ Yeah?
你觉得她做其他事会不会也像一个真正的女孩？（邪恶了） Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl?
你知道，如果你给她重新编程？ You know, if you reprogrammed her?
Brian，太龌龊了！她才16岁呢 Brian, that's sick! She's sixteen!
我才八岁（相当于人四十多岁） I'm eight.
好吧，我看看能做些什么 All right, I'll see what I can do.
嗨，Miley Hey, Miley.
哦，嗨，Stewie Oh, hi, Stewie.
嗨，呃，你衣服的标签露出来了 Hey, um, your shirt tag is showing.
让我来，呃… Let me just, uh...
就是这样，弄好了 There we go, all done.
呃… Um...
Miley无敌了！（恶搞了《绿巨人2》） Miley smash!
呃…等一下，等一下 Uh-oh... Hang on, hang on.
也许我能搞定 Maybe I can fix this.
快跑！ Run!
猴子，你觉得你能帮帮我吗？ Monkey, do you think you could help me?
我实在不能忍受Peter和Chris I just can't stand Peter and Chris
再这么吵来吵去了 being at each other's throats anymore.
当然，Lois；我肯定如果我们能 Of course, Lois; I'm sure if we can just
让他们共处一室 get them in the same room together,
我就能说服他们冰释前嫌 I can convince them to talk it out.
你为什么不邀请Peter吃个午饭 Why don't you invite Peter to lunch,
而我来邀请Chris，然后我们看看能做什么 and I'll invite Chris, and we'll see what we can do.
哦，谢谢你，我真的很感激 Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it.
你在这里搞毛？ What the hell are you doing here?
我以为我是要见Lois呢 I thought I was meeting Lois.
她想让我和你们俩谈谈 She wanted me to talk to you guys
关于你们最近的表现 about the way you've been behaving.
听着，猴子，Chris就是个二逼，明白吧？ Look, Monkey, Chris is being a jerk, all right?
你说什么都没用 And there is nothing you can say
都不能改变我的看法 that will make me change my mind about that.
Peter，你至于这样吗 Peter, you're acting bananas.
好吧，我还是听听 All right, I'll listen.
你们都是好人，这也是为什么 You're both good guys and that's why it's important
调解你们的分歧显得那么重要了 for you to reconcile your differences.
Chris，我知道你很生气 Chris, I know you're angry,
但是你真的恨你的父亲吗？ but do you really hate your father?
不，我只是觉得他是个傻逼 No, I just think he's a douche.
有时候真是的 Sometimes he is.
Peter，你真的恨你的儿子吗？ And Peter, do you really hate your son?
不，只是有时候他就是那么混球的一个小胖子 No, but sometimes he's such a little fat jerk.
是吗，那只是因为你从来没在我身上下功夫 Well, it's only because you never have any time for me!
Peter，你觉得你能够 Peter, do you think you could make
在你儿子身上花多一点时间吗？ a little more time for your son?
是的，我想可以 Yeah, I guess so.
那是怎么回事？ What the hell was that about?
那不是Stewie和Brian？ Was that Stewie and Brian?
是Miley Cyrus！ It's Miley Cyrus!
她要毁掉这个城市！ And she's destroying the city!
噢，天啊！ Oh, my God!
Cyrus小姐，我请你停止你的所作所为 Ms. Cyrus, I ask you to stop what you're doing.
我不仅是说现在这些，我是说所有的事： I don't just mean this, I mean everything:
电视剧啦，音乐啦…都糟透了 The show, the music... it's all just awful.
老爸，我们得帮他 Dad, we've got to help him!
快做点什么啊！ Do something!
我应该做什么呢？ What am I supposed to do?!
你是我爸啊！想想办法！ You're my dad! Think of something!
Quagmire，出动双翼飞机 Quagmire, fire up the biplane.
我儿子需要我帮助 My son needs my help.
（这里当然是恶搞了《金刚》）
好的，Peter，我们正在接近 All right, Peter, we're closing in.
准备开火 Get ready to fire.
（恶搞了《终结者》）
猴子！抓住我的手！ Monkey! Grab my hand!
（恶搞了《黑客帝国2》中Neo救Trinity的情景）
好了，飞机干掉了她 Well, the airplane got her.
哦，不，不是飞机 Oh, no, it wasn't the airplane.
是美女杀掉了野兽（《金刚》台词） 'twas beauty killed the beast.
好了，Brian，现在看你的了 You know, Brian, here's your shot.
上吧 Go for it.
唉…太迟了 Oop, too late.
不，还没有（DVD版可以看到邪恶的结局） No, it's not.
感谢你做的一切，猴子 Thanks for everything, Monkey.
你使我认识到了Chris对我有多重要 You made me realize how much Chris really means to me
而且我应该永远记住不要忽视他 and how I should always remember not to take him for granted.
是啊，有时候所有人都需要 Well, sometimes all anybody needs
一点警醒的经历 is a little bit of a wake-up call.
现在你们两个又和好如初了 And now that you two are getting along again,
我在这儿的任务完成了 my work here is done.
我想我该换个地方了 Guess I'll be moving on now.
你要离开？ You have to leave?
可我还以为你要 But I thought you were gonna go
回到我的壁橱里继续住呢 back to living in my closet again.
我想我的那种生活要结束了，Chris I think that time of my life is over, Chris.
但是我会一直想你的 But I'll always remember you.
但是…你要去哪里呢？ But... Where will you go?
我会去需要我的地方 I'll go where I'm needed.
（中文字幕：zurica 校对：子夜阳，多而不精） @familyguy贴吧字幕组 英文字幕+时间轴：honeybunny
爸爸，我的壁橱里有只邪恶的猴子！ Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!
我不管，儿子。我才懒得管 I don't care, son. I just do not care.