♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
请慢慢服药 Pilling Them Softly
翻译：大婊姐 校对：大婊姐 后期:Zurica @familyguy贴吧字幕组
恶 看看Tammy老师 Ugh, look at Miss Tammy.
真是个没教养的婊 What a skank.
她的小妹妹就快在幼儿园暴露出来了 She's free-muffin it at a baby school.
嗨 Stewie 妈咪来接你回家了 Hi, Stewie.Mommy's here to pick you up.
为啥我感觉你要为你做的每一件 Why do you feel the need to narrate
小事情都加个旁白什么的？ every little thing you do?
噢 你好 Griffin太太 Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.
你看 我一直想和您认真谈谈 You know, I've actually been meaning
关于Stewie的问题 to talk to you about Stewie.
我很担心这个孩子可能有多动症 I'm concerned that he might have an attention problem.
多动症？ Attention problem?
没错 这小家伙有点难伺候啊 Yes, he's been a little difficult to deal with,
而且《如何当一个好老师》的第2页（共3页）说到过 and on page two of three in the How To Be a Teacher manual,
任何难管的孩子 it says that any child
都应该给他们灌点药 who's being difficult should be medicated.
啥？！给小北鼻吃药药？ What?! Drugging a baby?
你确定吗？ Are you sure?
那听上去很严重啊 That sounds so serious.
我想恐怕他的这些行为已经持续了一段时间了 I'm afraid his behavior has been an issue for a while.
他甚至在午睡时间打扰其他的小朋友 He's even been bothering students during nap time.
嘿 你睡了吗？ Hey, you up?
猜猜我的小蜡笔放在哪儿了？ Guess where I have a crayon.
你看 我花了差不多75刀买了几个猫咪玩具 So, I spend, like, $75 on cat toys,
你猜猜她玩的什么玩意儿？ and what does she play with?
-鞋带 -真是疯了 -A shoelace. -That's crazy.
Joe 我每次给你说个啥事儿的时候你的回答都是一样的 Joe, that's been your answer every time I tell a story.
你到底有没有在听啊 It's like you're not even listening.
额 那是因为你老是打断我 Well, that's 'cause you interrupted me
当我正在说Kevin试着 when I was telling you about Kevin
用打了结的绳子把他自己吊起来的时候 trying to hang himself with an extension cord.
我知道啊 太疯狂了 I know, that's crazy.
嘿 哥儿几个想不想尝尝我们店的新菜啊？ Hey, y'all want to try some of our new food?
我想试着把这个地方变成个美食酒吧 I'm trying to turn this place into a gastropub.
这些是棒子泡菜玉米饼 因为现在不管你在呢儿都像是地狱 These are Korean tacos, 'cause whatever the hell nowadays.
恶！这些吃着像棒子屎一样！ Ugh! These are terrible!
Quagmire 当这味道出现在墨西哥玉米饼里时 Quagmire, when it comes to tacos,
我会选择去相信棒子 康撒哈密哒 I'll trust the Koreans, thank you.
Ani DiFranco：美国女歌手、词曲创作者 个性独特 创办了Righteous Babe唱片公司来发行自己的个人专辑 与主流永远抗衡着 遵循绝对的DIY原则
你个傻子 这些吃着就像Ani DiFranco刚刚骑完了自行车 You're nuts. This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride.
老天 Quagmire 你啥时候变成美食家了？ Geez, Quagmire, since when are you such an expert on food?
从你的话里可以得知 我做饭超级厉害 For your information, I'm an excellent cook.
你？做饭？ You? A cook?
呵 你的招牌菜是啥啊？蛋♂奶♀酥吗？ Huh. What's your specialty? No-way soufflé?
抱歉 说得有点过了 I'm sorry, that was out of line.
老子就是个大厨 而且我会证明给你们看的！ I am a good cook, and I'll prove it to you!
周六晚上 带上你们的老婆来我家 Saturday night, you and all your wives are coming
吃我亲自做的晚饭 to my place for dinner.
好啊 我们会去的 Fine. We'll be there.
喔 咱们能约周日吗？ Ooh, can we make it Sunday?
哈维尔·巴登 男 西班牙演员 佩内洛普·克鲁兹的老公 与佩内洛普是全世界唯一一对均获得过奥斯卡最佳配角奖的夫妻
周六我要给Javier Bardem剪头发 Saturday, I'm giving Javier Bardem a haircut.
-所以说 你想怎么弄？ -所有事的剪一剪 -So, what'll it be? -Everything.
你什么意思？ What do you mean?
长的变短 短的变长 Long in the short places, short in the long places.
这些事都是来自过去和未来 It should be from both the future and the past.
一个小孩会对洋娃娃做的一些事 Something a child would do to a doll.
抱歉 我只是更喜欢在家里拉粑粑 Sorry, I just prefer to do number two at home.
我们刚刚说到哪儿了？ Where were we?
是Stewie Hartman医生 It's Stewie, Dr. Hartman.
他在学校不能集中精力 He's having trouble focusing at school.
啊 是的 所以你是在告诉我你的孩子不肯 Ah, yes. So you're telling me your baby won't sit still
乖乖坐在座位上而让他的老师感到头痛？ in a way that's convenient for his teacher?
没错 Yes.
我之前听说过这样的事 但是我 I'd heard stories, but never thought
从未想过我能够亲眼看到 I'd see it with my own eyes.
Griffin太太 我得去写Stewie的多动症 Mrs. Griffin, I'm going to write Stewie a prescription
的病例说明了 for ADHD medication.
真的吗？嗯 我不知道 Really? Well, I don't know.
那个药会让他安静下来吗？ Doesn't that stuff make you wired?
额 如果你四肢无力又毫无生气 那么不会 Well, if you're low-energy and lethargic, yes.
但是如果你精力充沛 But if you're high energy,
事实上这个药会让你冷静下来而且集中精力 it actually calms you down and helps you focus.
至少网络医院上是这么说的 At least that's what I'm reading on WebMD.
哇哦 这上面有好多的医学知识啊 Wow, there are a lot of different kinds of medicines.
那里有一只猫 There's a cat in here.
好吧 我想我们可以先试试 Okay, I guess we can give it a try.
拿着 Here you go.
好嘞 这个小家伙是谁啊？ Now, who's this little guy?
哇哦 你是啥时候学的这一手啊 Glenn？ Wow, when did you learn to cook, Glenn?
嗯 当我还是个小伙子的时候 Well, as a young man, I found
我就知道美味的饭菜能够快速的抓住女孩的心 that a great meal was the quickest way to a woman's heart.
真浪漫呀 How romantic.
我是说 你觉得NBA的那些球员们是怎么泡到那些小妞的？ I mean, how do you think NBA players get all those chicks?
他们全都是好厨子 除了科比 They're all great cooks. Except Kobe Bryant.
他-他...他的...他有不能说的秘密 His-his... his secret is different.
Quagmire 你真的是太棒了 Quagmire, you're really good.
你都可以用这手艺赚钱了 You could probably make money at this.
是啊 也许你可以开个餐厅什么的 Yeah, maybe you could open a restaurant.
或者在电视上做个烹饪节目 Or maybe get a cooking show.
你懂的 第五台11：30的 You know, the 11:30 cooking show
烹饪节目需要一个新的主持人 on Channel Five needs a new host.
之前的那个把他自己的眼球烧胡了 The old one burned off his eyebrows,
看着实在太诡异了 and was just too weird to look at.
你应该去试一试啊 Quagmire！ You should do it, Quagmire!
我甚至会跑到片场去给你加油打气！ I'll even come along and cheer you on!
-你会为我这么做吗？ -当然了！ -You'd do that for me? -Course I would.
NASCAR:美国纳斯卡车赛是一项在美国流行的汽车赛事
我超爱给人们加油打气 就像之前我去NASCAR一样 I love cheering people on, like when I go to NASCAR.
跑圈圈里去！ Go in a circle!
跑圈圈里去！跑圈圈里去！ Go in a circle!Go in a circle!
注意广告牌！广告...! Advertise stuff! Advertise Stu...!
叫你跑圈圈里去！ Go in a circle!
嘿 Stewie在哪？ Hey, where's Stewie?
哦 他应该吃了药睡着了 Oh, he's probably sleeping off his pills.
什么？ What?
嗯 学校说他有多动症 Well, the school said he had an attention problem,
所以Hartman医生给他开了些药 so Dr. Hartman gave him a prescription.
你给1岁的小孩儿吃药？！ You're giving a one-year-old drugs?!
你这是在毒害小盆友啊！ You're doping up a baby!
Peter 你对此无所谓吗？ Peter, are you okay with this?
你能闭上你的狗嘴吗？ Will you stop talking?
我正在构思我在加油站看到的那个辣妹 I'm trying to think about a girl I saw at the gas station.
Stewie？ Stewie?
欢迎来到枕头世界 Bri Welcome to Pillow-World, Bri.
让我起来欢迎你 Let me get up and greet you.
欢迎光临 There we go.
你好吗？ How you doing?
噢 我的老天 Stewie 你完全磕高了！ Oh, my God, Stewie, you're totally drugged out!
你知道吗？ You know something?
我一直在想 I have been thinking
关于每个人在这个家庭里的义务 Brian about how everyone in this family, Brian, does their job.
然而他们都做得很好 And they do a pretty good job of it.
神啊 我现在真的有被这个局面吓到了 God, I'm really freaking out over this audition.
如果我搞砸了呢？ What if I blow it?
Quagmire 当我说过来给你加油的时候 Quagmire, when I agreed to come to this,
我可不知道这还要上升到精神支持 I didn't know it would require this level of emotional support.
你是Glenn Quagmire？ You Glenn Quagmire?
我是Carson 这个节目的制作人 I'm Carson, the producer of the show.
Peter Griffin 我应该在上班才对 Peter Griffin.I should be at work.
好吧 让我们看看你有几把刷子 Okay, let's see what you've got.
我想你一定会喜欢这个的 I think you're gonna like this.
香柏烤三文鱼配枫糖浆 Cedar plank salmon with a maple glaze
然后慢烤小番茄和法式蔬菜沙拉打底 and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes on a bed of mesclun greens.
嗯 还不错 Hmm. Not bad.
同时 小番茄可以当眼睛 而莴笋可以当头发 Also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair.
向下看 还有一根胡萝卜 Look down.There's also a carrot.
这真是太棒了！ This is great!
完美的食物和搞笑的帮厨？ Terrific food and a hilarious sidekick?
这！这就是我要的节目啊！ This! This is the show!
你什么意思？ What do you mean?
我是说你被录取了！ I'm saying you're hired!
只要你的朋友一直和你一起 Just as long as your friend joins you.
你怎么看 Peter？ What do you say, Peter?
我会说咱们开搞吧！ I say let's do it!
糟糕 额 额 Whoops. Uh, uh.
噢 抱...抱歉 Oh, I'm...I'm sorry.
我...我该-我该怎么做？ What do I...what-what do I do?
我-我不...我不知道现在该怎么办 I-I don't...I don't know what to do now.
那是个错误的选择 Peter That was the wrong choice, Peter.
哇哦 Quagmire 看看你！ Wow, Quagmire, look at you!
你是个真正的电视厨师了！ -我知道 -You're a real TV chef! -I know.
这可能听着很傻 但是做一个大厨对我来说是真的意义深重的 It might sound silly, but being a chef is something
我一直梦想着做一个厨师 I've always dreamed about.
我一直梦想着我的房子被水淹了 I always dream about my house filling up with water.
你脑子进水了吧 对了 谢谢你愿意和我一起干 Peter That's crazy. But anyway, thanks for encouraging me, Peter.
好嘞 注意！ All right, places!
我们准备开拍了3 2 1 We're rolling in three, two, one.
欢迎回到《Quagmire叔叔的厨房》 Welcome back toQuagmire's Kitchen.
Mince pie:肉馅饼 又叫圣诞百果小馅饼 起源于英国的烘焙点心 内馅非常丰富 有果肉、油脂（虽然现在用黄油居多 但最最传统应该是用牛脂肪）和香料
现在 这个肉馅派准备放进烤箱了 Now, this mince pie is about ready to go.
我们只需要再加一点点肉桂粉 Just needs a pinch of cinnamon.
现在我们说到肉桂 那我们来做个肉桂大挑战怎么样？ And while we're at it, how about we take the cinnamon challenge?
听着 Peter 我们都在网上看过那个了 Okay, Peter, we've all seen the Internet videos.
我们不会那么做的 We're not doing that.
我其实是在说其他的 I was talking about something else.
我在说很严肃的烹饪问题 I was talking about a serious cooking thing.
你看 说到这个肉馅派的由来我们能追溯到 Now, the ingredients of a mince pie are traceable
13世纪 to the 13th century,
当欧洲十字军回程的时候他们带回了 when returning European crusaders brought back
中东的食谱 里面的用法包含了肉 Middle Eastern recipes containing meats,
还有水果和--哦 乖乖--香料 fruits and--oh, boy-- spices.
现在 我要加点丁香来提味 Right here, I'm using cloves.
当然了 大多数人都是在圣诞节的时候才接触到肉馅派的 Of course, most people associate mince pie with Christmas.
但是我得说实话 But I'll be honest.
我可不觉得夏天吃肉馅派会有什么不妥 I'm not afraid of a summer mince pie.
我还记得我第一次吃肉馅派的时候 I remember the first time I had mince pie.
在我们邻居Morrin太太家 Our neighbor, Mrs. Morrin,
-她在一个美好的下午让我尝试了这道点心 -噢 我天！ -introduced it to me one afternoon. -Oh, God!
-因为之前我帮她看家了 -啊！ -I had house-sat for her -Aah!
-她得去探望一下她在Vernon的姑妈 -哦 我的神啊 -while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon -Oh, God.
所以她做了这道点心来感谢我 and she wanted to thank me.
然后 哦 乖乖 真是个精美的点心啊 And, oh, boy, what a treat it was.
-你耍完了？ -嗯 -You done? -Yeah.
好吧 咱们两局三胜 肉桂粉 All right, best two out of three, cinnamon.
你还在吃那些药呢 哈？ Still on those meds, huh?
呃 是啊 这 呃...这药能帮我 嗯... Uh, yeah, they, uh...they help me to, um...
呃...思考 uh... think.
好嘞 是时候睡个睁眼觉了 Okay, time for an eyes-open nap.
老天 看看这些药把你变成什么样了 God, look what those pills are doing to you.
让你吃那些药简直就是个天大的错误 Putting you on that stuff was a huge mistake.
就像邀请一只乌龟去鸡尾酒派对一样 Like inviting a turtle to a cocktail party.
嘿 想知道为什么他们叫我背着盒子的大雕吗 Hey. Ask me why they call me a box turtle.
看吧 这就是美国社会如何对待独特的 See, this is how American society treats unique,
热情的孩子们 enthusiastic children.
不是去热情拥抱他们的精神礼物 Instead of embracing their mental gifts,
反而他们的第一反应就是射杀他们的积极性然后 their first reaction is to shoot them up
给他们下药知道他们变成毫无思想的行尸走肉 with hard-core drugs until they're mindless sheeple.
所有的能干人都被他们送到科威特 All the better to send off to Kuwait
去喂哈利伯顿牌的石油机了 对吧？ and feed the Halliburton oil machine, right?!
真是感谢布什了 Bush.
没错 所有的那类人 Yup. Takes all kinds.
你知道吗 我学校有一大堆的孩子们在服用治疗多动症的药 You know, a lot of kids at my school take ADD pills.
他们说如果你太懒或者容易走神 They say if you're lazy and unmotivated,
这药能让你精力充沛而且灵感不断 it makes you super energized and productive.
真...真的吗？灵感不断？ Rea... Really? Productive?
没错 很多大学生们都在吃这个药 Yeah. And college kids take it all the time
所以他们就能集中精力在学习上了 so they can focus on their studies
和用他们屁股喝烈酒 and drinking alcohol with their butts.
集中精力 哈？ Focus, huh?
好吧 嗯 Stewie Okay, well, Stewie,
这些小药丸可以去帮助垃圾桶集中精力去了 these babies can help the garbage disposal focus
因为那将是它们的归宿 because that's where they're going.
不用跟着我 No need to follow me,
我就是去做刚刚我说的事 because I just said what I was gonna do.
额滴神啊 这比吃炫迈还来劲啊！ My God, I can't stop!
这些字儿就一直从我的脑子里蹦出来啊！ The words are just pouring out of me!
我现在比那个接住T恤的人还来劲儿！ I have more energy than a guy who caught a T-shirt!
我老婆可以穿这个睡觉辣！ My wife can wear this to sleep!
我老婆可以穿这个睡觉辣！！ My wife can wear this to sleep!
好啦 今天我们要将鸭胸和波特红酒 Okay, today we're putting together duck breast medallions
进行完美结合 with a port wine reduction.
你们跟着我的步骤来就行了 And as I'm walking you through the steps,
请看频幕下方的帮厨Peter温馨小提示： watch your screen for Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips:
超有用的小提示和做法步骤来帮你做好完美的一餐 helpful hints and food factoids to make your meal a success.
现在 你的先从准备 Now, you're gonna want to start
一个大号的塑料密封袋 with a large, self-sealing plastic bag.
全家都出城了？自己做的意大利面吃着感觉就像口腔里的皮肤一样
如果你想在看足球赛的时候暖手 找个瓶子往里面尿尿然后捧着
谷歌一下“Jodi Arias比基尼” 还不错 对吧？
如果你长时间一直盯着一只松鼠看 你要么会看到它来强奸你或者它被强奸
然后我们把几块切好的 And in that bag, we'll combine one large,
大块大蒜和丁香放进塑料袋里 finely-chopped garlic clove;
一汤匙磨碎的新鲜姜末 one tablespoon of grated, peeled fresh ginger;
两茶匙五香粉 two teaspoons of five-spice powder;
和一茶匙盐；和半茶匙新鲜辣椒面 a teaspoon of salt; and a half teaspoon of fresh ground pepper.
然后你就要把鸭胸放进去了 Then you're gonna want to add the duck breasts,
密封好塑料袋 然后放进冰箱腌制至少一个小时 seal the bag, and refrigerate that for at least one hour,
或者提前一天 如果你想及时的做好这道菜 or up to 24 hours, if you want to prepare this ahead of time.
只是要记得在做菜前的一小时把塑料袋 Just make sure you remove the bag from the refrigerator
从冰箱里拿出来 one hour before cooking.
然后把鸭胸放进烤箱 烤箱400度预热 You're gonna put that in your oven, preheated to 400 degrees.
然后我们用勺子慢慢的淋酱汁 So we just spoon on the drippings,
那样会让鸡的皮肤看着金黄可口 and that'll brown the skin nicely.
STOMP:一支来自英国民间的乐队 用身边事物发出声音来伴奏的乐队
如果你用铁勺子敲击所有的东西 你会看着像STOMP一样 If you bang these metal spoons on everything, it's like Stomp.
快看我！我在2002年的时候红的不得了！ Look at me! I'm huge in 2002!
Peter... Peter...
没什么像在夜里的去剧院里看戏然后在头痛中结束了！ Nothing like a night at the theater that ends in a headache!
尼玛的 Peter 够了！ Damn it, Peter, that's it!
我不能再和你一起做这个节目了！你被炒了！ I can't do this show with you anymore! You're fired!
啥？！你不能解雇我！ What?! You can't fire me!
只有Spacely先生才能解雇我 Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.
Cosmo Spacely: 1962年ABC电视台的动画片 《杰特森一家》里男主角的坏脾气老板
Griffin...你被炒了！ Griffin...you're fired!
好吧 理由足够充分 Okay, that's fair.
Peter 我能进来吗？ Peter, can I come in?
等等 让我换上我诡异的老式男演员浴袍 Hold on, let me put on my weird old actress turban.
椰丝？ Yes?
听着 我看到刚刚发生的一切了 但是你应该知道 Listen, I saw what happened, but you should know,
我们台打心底不想失去你 we at the station would hate to lose you.
你是我们挣收视率的王牌啊 You're a big hit with the viewers.
我再也不会和那个人一起合作了 I will not work with that man again.
我没有让你那样做 事实上 I'm not asking you to. In fact,
我们想为你量身打造一部属于你自己的烹饪节目 we'd like to offer you your own cooking show.
嗯 让我和我的律师商量一下 Hmm, let me consult with my lawyer.
好吧 Peter 自从你酒驾次数已经超标之后 Well, Peter, since the DUIs happened so close together,
我们没有足够的余地留给你了 we don't really have much wiggle room here.
我建议你去监狱里过上一段时间然后改过自新吧 I suggest you take the jail time and just get it over with.
我同意了 在10月13日之后开始 I'll do it. After October 13.
来吧 Rupert Come on, Rupert.
等-等下你就能看见了 Wait-wait till you see this.
这真的是很特别的东西 This is really something special.
看看这个抽湿机里有多少水啊 Check out how much water is in the dehumidifier.
哇哦！ Wow!
它们全部都暴露在空气中 That was all in the air.
Brian？ Brian?
是...是你 额... Is that... is that, uh...
是你 额...在那吗？ Is that, uh... you?
Stewie！重新拼写 Stewie! Rearrange.
有艾滋 重新拼写 Ewiets. Rearrange.
为爱撕他 拼写还原 Wieest. Restore.
Stewie 嘿 快来看看我一直在忙的事儿 Stewie. Hey, come see what I've been working on.
我起名为太空七大郡 I call it Space Shire Seven.
来势 来势 Nice, nice.
就像个 额 就像个你自己做的 额 假地方吗？ It's like, uh, it's like a fake, uh, place you made?
这是一个中世纪的科幻世界 适用于电视 It's a medieval sci-fi universe, adaptable to TV,
电影 玩具 游戏 还有手机应用！ movies, toys, games, and mobile apps!
我昨晚上一口气写了2000页呢 I threw together a 2,000-page treatment last night.
然后我就想 我了个去 And I just figured, the hell with it,
为啥我吧这些模型给做出来然后给 why not build a scale model and record voices
所有的角色录音呢？看着 for all the characters? Watch.
遇见你真好啊 陌生人 Well met, stranger.
俺拉屎 阿弟看吧 不理球哦 Arasha deekaba plitcho.
那是Nebulon Mage 他说的是假逼语 That's a Nebulon Mage.He speaks Ga'bi,
我自创的傻逼语言 this dumb language I wrote.
这...合法吗？ It's then... illegal?
啥？ What?
哈喽？ Hello?
好的 现在我们加入切碎的番茄 Okay, now we add the diced tomatoes.
然后咱们继续 Just gonna keep going here.
我喜欢用无花果香醋淋在... I like to drizzle these with a fig balsamic...
我擦 Damn it.
现在那边又耍的什么幺蛾子啊？！ What the hell is going on over there?!
Peter Griffin的黄油小骚货
♪ I don't want ♪
♪ A place to stay... ♪
这就是我著名的看着吃着就像披萨贝果一样的 And that's my famous paella that looks and tastes
西班牙海鲜烩饭 just like a pizza bagel.
其实就是披萨贝果 It's a pizza bagel.
然后 永远要记得 加些黄油来提味 Now, as always, add butter to taste.
嗯 炒鸡好吃！ Mmm, delicious!
灌黄油了！ Butter dunk!
停下来！别录了！ Stop it! Stop the show!
你特么的到底在干嘛？ What the hell are you doing?
你只是把化了的黄油淋在了冷冻食物上 You're just pouring melted butter onto frozen foods.
你就不是个厨师 You're not a chef.
哦 是吗？那为啥我已经在奥兰多最大的室内水上乐园 Oh, really? Then why do I already have a restaurant
开了一家餐厅啦？ in Orlando's largest indoor water park?
这简直是在侮辱任何一个喜欢烹饪的人 This is an insult to anyone who cares about cooking.
你最好快走 要不然我也不留！ Either you leave the network or I do!
伙计们 伙计们 听着 我知道这事怎么解决 Guys, guys, look, I know how a cook-off.
你们俩共同用一种神秘食材 Each of you cooks a meal
铁人厨师：美国烹饪竞赛节目
来做一道菜 就像“铁人厨师”一样 using a secret ingredient, Iron Chef style.
我们可以使用计算器吗？ Will we be allowed to use calculators?
额 我...我不... Um, I... I don't...
你什么意思？ What?
放马过来吧！ I say bring it on!
行！斗菜就斗菜 Fine! A cook-off it is.
咱们厨房见 混蛋 See you in the kitchen, jerk.
我在地狱等着你 败家 I'll see you in hell, loser.
-今天不适合拼车 -没错 -Bad day to carpool. -Yeah.
好吧 Joe Peter和我准备在那个烹饪比赛里 Okay, Joe, Peter and I are going head-to-head
打得你死我活了 in that cooking competition,
他们让我们每个人都找一个帮手 and they're letting us each use an assistant.
你愿意帮我吗? Will you help me out?
好吧 但是你得保证不让我读菜谱 Okay, but just promise me there's no reading.
我读书读不好 I'm not a strong reader.
啥？ What?
我不是不会 我只是读得很慢 I'm not illiterate, I'm just slow.
你在说什么呢？ What are you talking about?
我以前在学校都没认真读过书 因为我是田径队的 I never tried hard in school 'cause I could always run fast.
所以说你愿意在这个竞赛里做我的小助手吗？ So you're cool with being my chef helper for the big show?
好啊 但是我得实话实说-- Sure, but I got to be honest--
如果材料没有长胡子的鱼的话 if it ain't a fish with whiskers,
我就不知道怎么做了 I don't know what to do with it.
但是如果有呢？ But if it is?
那就小甜甜老腻腻大家一起嗨起来！ Then sweet sassy molassey!
好耶 我们在做节目的时候就别那么说了 Great. Don't talk that way when we're on the show.
Stan Bush的《Thunder in your heart》
♪ You're taking a chance ♪
♪ Risking it all ♪
♪ For the thrill of the moment ♪
♪ Taking a stand ♪
♪ You ain't gonna fall ♪
♪ And you've always known it ♪
♪ They're dying to shake you ♪
♪ Trying their best to break you ♪
♪ And though the going is rough ♪
♪ You're going home as a hero ♪
♪ 'Cause there's thunder in your heart ♪
♪ Every move is like lightning ♪
♪ It's the power you feel ♪
♪ When you get your taste ♪
♪ Of the glory ♪
♪ You can light the dark ♪
♪ When they hear your heart of thunder. ♪
Stewie！差点说成暮光女了 Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.
你来辣！我们得快点辣 You're here! We got to get going.
去？ Going?
哪儿？ Where?
去哈特福特啊 小宝贝 To Hartford, man.
那边的动漫星城今天有图书签售会 There's a book fair at the convention center,
George R. R. Martin：美国作家 代表作《权力的游戏》系列
而且George R. R. Martin也在那里 and George R. R. Martin will be there.
那-那是谁？ Who-Who's that?
呃 《权力的游戏》？穿黑色衬衣的？头皮屑？ Uh, Game of Thrones?Black shirts? Dandruff?
穿得像郭德纲一样但还是被人围着团团转？ Takes down more nerd chotch than anyone around?
好吧 Okay.
不管怎样 我都要给他看看我做的模型 Anyway, I'm gonna show him my models
然后让他评价我的太空七大郡 and pitch him Space Shire Seven.
好吧 在我们走之前 我要润个眼 Okay, before we go, I should wet my eyes.
好啦 There.
观众们下午好 我是Tom Tucker 今天我们要为大家 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, and we have a fantastic
呈现由两位美妙的的厨师进行的一场美妙的烹饪大比拼 cooking competition for you today with two fantastic chefs.
尊的吗？ Really?
你除了“美妙的”就不能给我个其他的形容词吗？ You couldn't find another adjective for "fantastic"?
还要说两次“美妙的”？谁特么写的台词？ Used "fantastic" twice? Who wrote this?
Erica写的 Erica did.
等等 就是我说的她胖得不能被解雇的那个吗？ Wait, is that the one I called fat and we can't fire?
是哒 Yeah.
那就让我们开始比赛吧！ Let's get this contest started!
不就扔个菜吗 我也行 Big whoop. I can do that.
哦 额滴娘啊 Erica！ Oh, my God, Erica!
你杀了Erica！ You killed Erica!
美妙 Fantastic.
他在那 George R. R. Martin. That's him. George R. R. Martin.
天哪 他绝对是全世界戴火车司机帽子 God, he must be the coolest fat guy
的胖子里面最帅气的胖子了！ in a train conductor's cap in the world!
Martin先生 我是Brian Griffin Mr. Martin, I'm Brian Griffin,
我给你带来了一些东西来震撼你的世界 and I've got a pitch that's gonna blow you away.
你坐稳了吗？ Are you sitting down?
几乎一直都是 Almost always.
那么就请和我一起坐上星际特快前往 Then join me on an interstellar crusade
太空七大郡吧！ to Space Shire Seven!
我们的故事从50000个星期前说起 Our story begins 50,000 fortnights ago,
在另一个被法师封锁了的遥远的银河系 in the distant galaxy of Warlock's Keep.
彗星城堡坍塌了 Comet Castle falls.
Samson Cyberblood变成了星系的新国王 Samson Cyberblood is the new king of the star system.
长久统治着太空七大郡 Long live Space Shire Seven,
也长久的坐在了光速宝座上！ and long live the Hyperspeed Throne!
所以说？你觉得怎么样？ So? What do you think?
真是糟糕透了 It was terrible.
啊 你在说颠倒哥布林族 Ah, you're speaking the language
的语言呢 of the Opposite Goblins.
我真是受宠若惊 I'm very flattered.
你想多了 这就是一团垃圾 No, it's garbage.
你就只是嗑药磕高了 You just took a lot of pills,
然后乱加了各种关于星际的陈词滥调 mashed together a bunch of sci-fi and fantasy clichés
创作出来了2000页的废话罢了 and crapped out a 2,000-page turd.
你-你居然知道我受了药物影响？ Y-You could tell I was on medication?
哦 是的 但是那些药并没有让你写出什么好东西来 Oh, sure. But that stuff doesn't make you write well,
只是让你不停地编辑废话 it just makes you write a lot.
现在 请原谅我 Now, if you'll excuse me,
我得去让郭德纲给我洗我那美丽的胡子了 I have to go wash the nerd chotch out of my beard.
天了噜 我居然没发现 God. I didn't realize
那些药只是让我一味地创作 how those drugs were ruining me creatively.
我吃了那药也没有觉得自己变正常了 I haven't been feeling quite right either.
昨天 我花了半个小时看Chris洗澡 Yesterday, I watched Chris shower for half an hour
当时我以为那是电视机 just because I thought it was the TV.
他 呃... He, um...
他就一直躺着那个地方 he lies on his back in there.
Stewie 这些药让我们变得更加不正常了 Stewie, this drug is ruining us.
我们根本不需要它们 We don't need these.
说的没错 You're right.
这些药是给那些真的得了病的人吃的 These pills are for people with real problems.
但是我们一点问题都没有 But there's nothing wrong with us.
你就是太懒了 我就是太容易鸡冻了 You're just lazy, I'm just excitable;
我-我们都很正常 we're-we're both normal.
走 咱们回家吧 Now let's go home.
那个男的就是江湖骗子！ That man is an imposter!
我才是George R. R. Martin！ I am George R. R. Martin!
哇！ Whoa!
现在第五台的斗菜大赛正式开始 Let's begin the Channel Five Cook-Off.
记住了 赢家才能保住他们自己的节目 Remember, the winner gets to keep his TV show.
然而这次的秘密食材就是... And the secret ingredient is...
黄油！ butter.
啊 妈妈咪呀！ Aw, sweet!
不 那是Peter擅长的东西 No. That's Peter's specialty.
我还希望秘密食材是 I was hoping the secret ingredient
爆米花虾仁呢 would be popcorn shrimps.
我之前很享受抽打你的屁屁 I liked smacking your butt earlier.
这些圆形的和方形的又有什么区别啊？ Are the balls different from the cubes?
老天 我该怎么办啊？ God, what do I do?
Joe 看看我们是否有大葱！ Joe, check if we have shallots!
（你不是1米88吗╰(￣▽￣)╭）
好吧 我在这个角落看不到任何东西 Okay. I can't see anything on the counter,
但是我会尽力的 but I'll do my best.
啊！怪兽的脑花！ Aah! Monster brains!
看来大厨Griffin已经开始准备做 Looks like Chef Griffin is preparing
一道五味黄油宴了 a delicious five-course butter feast.
狗日的 老子从来都没有用黄油做过菜啊 Son of a bitch, I never cook with butter.
Joe 看看我的菜谱然后找一道能够用 Joe, grab my recipe book and find a dish
黄油代替橄榄油的菜 where I can substitute olive oil with butter.
Joe 快点 给点力啊！ Joe, come on, hurry!
我都跟你说了我读书不行啊！ I told you I'm not a strong reader!
见鬼 Joe 快点收拾一下！ Damn it, Joe, pull it together!
嘿 Quagmire 顺便说一下 我得先退场 差不多 十分钟 Hey, Quagmire, FYI, I got to take off in, like, ten minutes.
我还有单簧管课要上呢 I got a clarinet lesson.
啥？！呃 What?! Ugh.
臣妾做不到啊 I can't do this.
噢 快看Quagmire Aw, look at Quagmire.
这曾经是他的梦想啊 This was his dream.
时间快到了 Peter Time's almost up, Peter.
我们就要赢了！ We're gonna win!
不 我们不会赢的 No, we're not.
然而现在事情有了惊人的转变 And in a stunning turn of events,
Griffin大厨在狂吃他做好了的菜 Chef Griffin is eating his entire meal.
这样下去他会没菜可上了 He'll have nothing to serve.
好吧 就这样吧 如果Quagmire大厨 Well, that's it. If Chef Quagmire
能够拿出任何一道菜 他就能赢得这次比赛 has prepared a dish of any kind, he wins this competition.
让我们看看他做了什么 Let's see what he has.
一个从不知道什么地方带来的 A warm packet of tartar sauce
用温水泡过了的塔塔酱 brought in from somewhere else.
Bonnie还说“你到底啥时候才准备用那个酱啊？” "When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said.
现在赢家已经产生了！ We have a winner!
Peter 你为了我把你的作品都搞砸了？ Peter, you threw the cook-off for me?
我不能就这样把你的梦想... I couldn't take your dream away...
心脏病！ Heart attack!
...给夺走 兄弟 你才是... ...from you, buddy. You're the...
轻微中风！...正真有... Mini stroke! ...one with the real...
心脏病！...才能的人 你... Heart attack! ...talent. You...
心脏病！...才值得拥有这个节目... Heart attack! ...deserve the show...
真的中风了！...而不是我 Regular stroke! ...not me.
你真是我的好哥们儿 Peter You're a good friend, Peter.
但是...我也不想继续做这个节目了 But... I don't want a show either.
你不想了？ You don't?
当然不想了 Of course not.
我是说 看看我们俩为了这个节目都变成什么样子了 I mean, look what the show did to us.
它毁了我人生中最重要的一段友谊 It destroyed the most important friendship I have.
谢啦 Thanks.
你知道吗？咱们一起结束这个秀吧 You know what? Let's end this for good.
怎么做？ How?
Paula Deen:美国厨师 烹饪节目主持人 作家 演员 曾获得艾美奖获的电视个性奖
就做当Paula Deen的 The same way Paula Deen
烹饪节目被电视台取消时她做的同样的事 got her cooking show taken off the air.
说一句一旦说出去就再也收不回来的话 By saying the one word you can't come back from.
什么？ What?
说那句话？现在就说？ Say the word? Right now?
没错 咱们一起说 Yeah. Together.
准备好了吗？ Ready?
还用你问 You bet.
“你其实就可以直接退出那个节目” You could have just quit the show.