# 貌似你今天在电视上看到的都是 #
# 暴力电影和性爱视频 #
# 但是那些过时的我们曾经依赖的 #
# 价值又到哪里去了 #
# 幸运的是你们还有恶搞之家 #
COD幕组译制
# 幸运的是你还有一个 #
# 可以让你 #
# 笑到流泪的男人 #
# 他是 一个 恶搞 的家伙 #
翻译 AngryFish
我们现在回到 We now return to
翻译 Joan Ashley
你们过去一直喜欢的 Stand-Up Specials from Comedians
特别单口喜剧相声演员 You've Been Told to Like.
翻译 AndSoOn
请热烈欢迎阿兹·安萨里 Please welcome Aziz Ansari!
怎么了 各位 What's up, y'all?
有时候开始我会轻柔的读一段句子 Sometimes I start a sentence really soft
然后又突然大声狂叫 and then get loud!
他太滑稽了 He's hilarious
校对 AngryFish
因为我在其它频道上见过他 'cause I saw him in a other show.
你在说什么呀 What are you talking about?
那怎么能称得上有趣 How is that funny?
他甚至连一个笑话都没讲 He didn't even tell any jokes.
啊 如果他没有讲笑话 Uh, if he didn't tell jokes,
后期&压制 Pinkman
那他为毛要笑 why was he laughing?
好了 就跟我们要看HBO电视台 Well, that's about as much HBO as we're gonna get
播放同性视频之前差不多 before they play something homosexual.
走吧 克里斯 Come on, Chris.
天呐 他这几天就是这样忽悠我们的吗 God, that's what passes for comedy these days?
我们以前令人尊敬的喜剧演员到底怎么了 What ever happened to our venerated humorists?
我们走吧 Here we go.
塞缪尔·克莱门斯 马克·吐温 Samuel Clemens, Mark Twain.
同一个人 Same guy.
哈克·费恩 不是一个人 Huck Finn. Not a guy.
听着 重点是 我还是能说单口相声的 Look, the point is, I could do stand-up comedy.
我所需要的是一份报纸 All I'd need is a newspaper
还有这奇思妙想的脑袋 and this twisted mind.
为什么你还要在这个上面浪费时间呢 老爷爷 Why waste your time with stand-up, grandpa?
现在最好的喜剧是在推特上 All the best comedy is on Twitter now.
真的吗 是的 Really? Yeah.
单口相声都是老黄历了 Stand-up is so 20 years ago.
推特三年前才出来的呢 Twitter's only three years ago.
看看我的 Check mine out.
我有一万个粉丝呢 I've got 10,000 followers.
“我觉得我们应该听听” "I feel like we should wait to hear
“阿黛尔前男友的歌” "Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs
“在我们选则阵营的时候” before we choose sides."
阿黛尔是哪根葱 Who's Adele?
继续读 Just keep reading.
“嘿 武大郎” "Hey, short guys,
“你肌肉越多 你看起来就越矮” "The more muscular you get, the shorter you look.
“你居然不知道吗” Did you not know that?"
好吧 这人貌似有点卑鄙啊 Well, that one seems a little mean.
把手机还我 不 不 Just give me the phone. No, no.
“我一直在好奇为毛这个卫生棉条广告那么长 "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long
直到后来我才意识到这是在重播欲望都市 until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City."
它还是会在有线电视上重播 Was it a re-run on basic cable,
因为有时候他们编辑了很多 because sometimes they edit those a lot
那可能就是你为什么这么困惑了 and that could be why you were confused?
嗯 那可真有趣 布莱恩 Hmm, that's interesting, Brian.
一个爱荷华州的女孩也问过我同样的问题 A girl in Iowa asked me the same question.
你知道我干什么了吗 You know what I did?
我冲她发火了 I flew her out here
还是当着她的面 and her in the face.
那么 是的 So, yeah...
推特 Twitter.
听着 这只是一些宣传的广告而已 斯特威 Look, those are cute blurbs, Stewie,
但是 我 我觉得我还是要做一些 but I-I think I'm gonna put together
为活着的人做一些实事 a real act for real people.
祝你好运 Good luck.
天呐 貌似我是家里唯一一个 God, it's like I'm the only person in the house
会社交媒体的人 who gets social media.
总有一个地方是五点钟 不是吗
那么 这发生了
是哒 就是这样的一天
这样就开始了 That'll get it started.
该死的皮特去哪儿了 Where the hell's Peter?
我几乎已经做了 I'm almost done doing
一个像我这样年纪 the 45 minutes of stuff
45分钟的活了 a woman my age
在上床睡觉之前 needs to do right before bed.
我甚至都不记得 I can't even remember
为什么我睡觉还要系这个腰带 why I sleep in this belt anymore.
嘿 克里斯 别告诉你老妈 Hey, Chris, don't tell your mom
我在炖锅里呕吐的事实 I threw up in the Crock-Pot.
皮特 是我 Peter, it's me.
喔 Oh.
啊 我马上回来 Uh, I'll be right back.
我得去教训教训克里斯了 I gotta go tell Chris somethin' gross.
滚到床上去 Just come to bed.
好吧 听你的 All right, fine,
但是我是不会去刷牙的 but I'm not gonna brush my teeth
还会发放超级大屁 and I'm gonna fart super hot.
起来 Get up.
你睡在我这边了 You're on my side of the bed.
皮特 Peter!
我们表现得就像没有辛学过普森一家一样 We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons,
但是我们确实是学了很多 but we took a lot from The Simpsons.
该死的 Damn it.
喔 我的天呐 你这边怎么了 Oh, my God, what happened to your side of the bed?
弹簧都没用了 These springs are shot.
还甚是潮湿 And it's all damp over here!
这是 这些是蘑菇吗 Are... are these mushrooms?
那是蓝精灵 That's where Smurfs is.
呃 是 啊 Er, are. Uh...
蓝精灵 Smurves.
啊 嘿 谁在这里掌管多媒体 Uh, hey, who handles multimedia here?
因为 哈 我有一张国会大厦的幻灯片 Because, uh, I have a slide of the Capitol building
我想把它投影到我的后面 that I'd like projected behind me.
还有 是的 应该是颠倒过来的 And, yes, it is supposed to be upside-down.
你是喜剧演员吗 You a comic?
讽刺家 是的 Satirist, yes.
这里所有的清洁用品都是坏的 对吗 What is with all the bad cleaning supplies, am I right?
我是说 干净先生 I mean, Mr. Clean?
更像是 不干净先生 More like Mr. Hard-to-Clean.
极好的 Fantastik?
更像是糟透的 More like terrible.
清洁剂 Windex?
更像是迷幻药 More like Lose-Dex.
滚下台去 Get off the stage!
不 不 不 No, no, no.
好了 你们喜欢印象深刻的 All right, you guys like impressions?
这里有一个来自鲍勃汉堡店叫鲍勃的家伙 Here's that guy Bob from Bob's Burgers.
你们好 我是鲍勃汉堡店的鲍勃 Hi, I'm Bob from Bob's Burgers.
射箭表演怎么样 How 'bout that show Archer?
你看过那场表演吗 You watch that show Archer?
这儿就是那个箭手 Here's that guy Archer.
嗨 我是箭手 来自射箭表演的箭手 Hi, I'm Archer, from that show Archer.
现在 如果这两个家伙相见了会怎么样 Now, what if those guys met?
“嗨 箭手 我是鲍勃” "Hey, Archer, it's Bob."
“嗨 鲍勃 我是箭手” "Hey, Bob, it's Archer."
谢谢你们 Thank you.
接下里 然我们把目光转向布莱恩·格里芬 Next up, let's keep it going for Brian Griffin.
好的 谢谢 All right, thanks.
嘿 抱歉 今晚我迟到了 Hey, sorry I was late getting here tonight,
我遭遇了严重的交通阻塞 I was caught in gridlock.
随后我才离开了国会 And then I left Congress.
这儿 这儿应该有 There was... there was supposed to be
颠倒的国会幻灯片在我背后的 an upside-down picture of the Capitol behind me.
乖乖 这儿静得可拍 Boy, awfully quiet in here.
就像约翰·博纳在讨论贫困问题一样 Sounds like John Boehner talking about poverty.
呼 Whoosh.
嘿 那们 嗯 Hey, so, um...
你知道 这可能是我 you know, maybe it's me,
但是我不认为我们需要继续等着 but I kind of feel like we should wait
去听阿黛尔前男友的歌 to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs
在我们选边站的时候 before we choose sides.
是的 嘿 身材矮小的人 Yeah, and... and... and hey, short guys,
你的肌肉越多 你会看起来更矮 the more muscular you get, the shorter you look.
你以前知道这个吗 Did you not know that?
喔 Wow.
这比拿水上摩托执照还要简单 This is easier than getting your Jet Ski license.
好的 凯尔 你做的很好 All right, Kyle, lookin' good.
你百分百完成了你的笔试 You got 100% on your written test,
和水上测试 100% on your water test.
只剩最后一个问题 Just one last question.
你曾经和你的继父互殴过吗 Have you ever had a fistfight with your stepdad?
哪个继父 Which stepdad?
你通过了 You passed!
这是你的驾照 Here's your license.
去疯吧 Go be a dick.
噢 路易斯 我睡你那边床感觉好极了 Oh, Lois, I slept great on your side of the bed.
喔 我还读了你的日记 Oh, and I read your journal.
小子 你是真的很讨厌“PG级电影” Boy, you really hate "P-period G-period."
皮特 我们的床垫太糟透了 Peter, our mattress is a disaster.
我们今天去买一个新的吧 We're buying a new one today.
就是说我今天不用去工作了吗 Does that mean I can skip work?
好吧 我想是的 2:45去 Well, it's 2:45, so I guess yes.
嘿 Hey.
昨晚过得怎么样啊 So, how'd it go last night?
好吧 这样说吧 Well, let's just say
我今晚还得再去一趟 I got asked to come back tonight.
你在开玩笑吗 You're kidding.
难道它很受欢迎吗 It actually went over well?
我认为你会表现得很糟糕 I figured you'd be terrible.
为什么你会这样认为 Why would you think that?
好吧 我了解一些关于表演的事 Well, I know a thing or two about performing.
我指的是 毕竟 我是范·迪塞尔的动作指导 I mean, after all, I was Vin Diesel's acting coach.
好吧 范 我喜欢你的动作 Okay, Vin, I like what you're doing there,
但是我想你再多试几次 像这样 but I want you to try it one more time, like this:
“咄” "Duh!"
四处看看 如果有什么问题尽管问我 Look around, and let me know if you have any questions.
噢 我有一个问题 Oh, I have one.
希丹·彭尼蒂亚是侏儒的几率是多少 What percentage of Hayden Panettiere is dwarf?
好吧 你是专家 Well, you're the expert.
你这有哪些类型的床垫 What kind of mattress do you have?
目前 我和我的一个朋友住在一起 Currently, I'm staying with a friend,
他的卧室里面是空气床垫 on an air mattress in his laundry room.
这只是暂时的 It's temporary.
不 不是 不 No, it's not. No.
好吧 谢谢 我们只是想试一下 Okay, well, thanks, we'll just try a few out.
我希望你不要介意 我买了一个持续正压通气机器 I hope you don't mind, I brought my CPAP machine.
而且 我想要吃一大碗草莓果酱 Also, I like to eat a big bowl of berries
在我睡觉之前 before I go to sleep.
好吧 你觉得怎样 皮特 Well, what do you think, Peter?
好吧 貌似还不错 但是我不确定 Well, it seems good, but I won't know for sure
在晚上能拖得走它 until I have my evening tug.
我觉得我们喜欢这个 I think we like this one.
这个怎么称呼 W-What's it called?
深度睡眠3000时 Deep Slumber 3000.
你是想从亚马逊上买 是吗 You're buying it on Amazon, aren't you?
是的 他们现在有无人机送货了 Yup. They have drones now.
哦 过来 皮特 Oh, come on, Peter,
我们得跟上无人机的节奏了 we gotta beat the drone to the house!
坑爹的实体店 Real stores suck!
我一直在好奇为毛这个卫生棉条广告那么长 So I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long,
直到后来我才意识到这是在重播欲望都市 until I realized it was a re-run of Sex and the City.
好了 玩得开心 晚安 Okay, you guys have been great. Good night.
搞怪先生 Funny stuff.
嘿 啊 斯特威 Hey, uh... Stewie!
你 啊 你来看表演了 You, uh, you caught the show?
你个该死的小偷 You bloody thief!
你的所有笑话都是从我这里偷走的 Every joke you told up there was stolen from me!
斯特威 放松点 Stewie, relax.
你知道什么 就这样了 You know what? That's it!
我们断绝朋友关系 You and I are no longer friends!
哦 我的天呐 哦 我的天 哦 我的天呐 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
噢 它无处不在 Oh, it's everywhere!
嘿 斯特威 有空吗 Hey, Stewie, you got a second?
我对你无话可说 布莱恩 I have nothing to say to you, Brian.
除此之外 我还要和我的新朋友玩 Besides, I'm busy playing with my new friend.
什么新朋友 What new friend?
是这只狗在骚扰你吗 斯特威 Is this dog bothering you, Stewie?
搞毛线 What the hell?
你找不到活着的朋友 You couldn't find a real friend
你就做了一个机器人 so you built a robot?
噢 它不是机器人 布莱恩 Oh, not a robot, Brian.
它是与人类意识相适应的超级计算机 He's a human mind model adaptive super computer.
我曾经给它编过程让它学习变得更聪明 I've even programmed him to learn and grow smarter.
他的名字叫莱尔 His name is Lyle.
斯特威 或许我们可以 Stewie, perhaps we should offer
给这位贵宾一杯饮料 this guest a beverage.
或者抬着他去卫生间 Or simply lift the toilet seat.
喔 噼啪 布莱恩 Ooh! Snap, Brian!
# 葛罗瑞亚 #
究竟在搞什么鬼 What the hell's going on?
怎么回事 What's going on?
你嫉妒了 You've been "Lyle'd"!
# 葛罗瑞亚 #
# 我想他们用的是化名 #
# 葛罗瑞亚 #
哇 Wow.
难道不知道我们要听整首歌吗 Didn't know we'd have to hear the whole song.
你做了一个机器人 You built a robot?
太悲催了 斯特威 This is pathetic, Stewie.
你肯定非常渴望找一个朋友 You really must be desperate for friends.
噢 我渴望 Oh, I'm desperate?
莱尔 打开布莱恩的电话 Lyle, access Brian's phone.
看看 你只有四个联系人 Look at that, you only have four contacts.
还有 喔 我的天呐 And... oh, my God,
你下载了邓肯的甜甜圈应用 you downloaded the Dunkin' Donuts app?
还有谁在想要披头士乐队出现 And who Shazams the Beatles?
随便啦 Whatever.
跟你的机器人朋友玩得愉快点 Have fun with your little robot.
但是如果你问我 这件事比把甜菜头沙拉倒进 But if you ask me, this whole thing is more disturbing
垃圾池更棘手 than a dump after a beet salad.
喔 好的 Oh, right.
好的 路易斯 我涂了一些牙膏 Okay, Lois, I dabbed some toothpaste
在我的鼻孔里 如果 on the inside of my nose, so...
我很乐意享受老式的“雀巢暴跌” I am willing to take the old "Nestea plunge,"
如果你懂我的意思 if you know what I mean.
我想我说的是 I guess what I'm saying is,
是时候享受床上时光了 嗯 time to break in the new mattress, eh?
皮特 这是全新的床垫啊 Peter, it's brand-new.
我可不想你再弄坏了 I don't want to mess it up.
来吧 我们不会弄坏的 Come on, we won't make a mess.
当我们做完后 我会抓住你的脚踝 When we're done, I'll grab you by the ankles
像一个脏的垃圾袋一样举起你 and lift you up like a dirty garbage bag.
不 No!
这个床垫价值不菲啊 This mattress was expensive,
我还想再坐一会儿 and I'd like to keep it nice for a little while.
你是认真的吗 我们没法做 Are you serious? We can't do it?
要多久 我不知道 For how long? I don't know.
再过几周吧 L-Let's just keep it new for a few weeks.
几周 A few weeks?!
喂 你知道我很讨厌 Come on, you know I'm terrible
等着做事情的 at waiting for things.
稍后我们会给你带来更多关于拉维恩和雪莉的信息 We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.
但是我现在就想要 But I want it now!
好吧 莱尔 好朋友一起做的一件事 All right, Lyle, one thing buddies do together
就是去看电影之后一起谈谈这部电影 is go to the movies and talk about it afterwards.
古迹卫士
两个小时之后
我要睡觉了 I'm going to bed.
好的 Yeah.
哦 莱尔 我很高兴有你这个朋友 Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad I have you as a friend.
现在我能做好玩的事了 Now I can do fun things
就像爬到你肩上然后穿上长雨衣 like get on your shoulders and wear a trench coat
然后变得足够高 就可以坐过山车 and be tall enough to ride roller coasters.
你得有这么高 才能乘坐
你好 成人朋友 Hello, fellow adult.
我绝对高于最低身高线了 I am clearly above the minimum height requirement
然后你现在去坐过山车吧 and shall now ride your roller coaster,
对于过山车 你现在是乘客了 for which you are an attendant.
是呀 我现在会驾驶这辆过山车 Yes, and I will operate this roller coaster,
因为我是成年人 我被允许开过山车 as I am an adult who is licensed to do so.
喂 Hey!
天哪 不要 Oh, no!
是经理 It's the manager.
快跑 Run!
你们快点给我滚开 一群不经事的小孩子 You get out of here, you kids who are just kids
一点也不像我这样的成年人 and not an adult like me!
六个小鬼被一个穿着大衣的孩子吓跑
可靠消息称报社记者肯定是大人
莱尔 跟你在一起的时光很高兴 I do so enjoy our time together, Lyle.
其实我给你画了张画当作了纪念品 In fact, I drew you a little keepsake.
是张邮递员戴着牛仔帽的照片 It's a picture of a mailman wearing a cowboy hat.
就是个挺傻的东西 Just a silly thing.
谢谢你 斯特威 Thank you, Stewie.
我也给你画了点东西 I drew you something as well. 302 这是个可行的建设巴基斯坦的城市计划 It's an urban plan for a workable Palestinian state.
以我来看 这太赞了 My word, this is very impressive.
功劳都是你的 斯特威 The credit is yours, Stewie.
是你把我设计的更聪明 It was you who programmed me to grow exponentially smarter.
啊 我猜你是对的 Ah, I suppose you're right.
就像卡里?吉尔班在预言家这本书里说的 As Kahlil Gilbane wrote in The Prophet,
“如果你是箭 我就是那射出箭的弓” "I am the bow from which the arrow of you was launched."
是卡里?纪伯伦啊 It is Kahlil Gibran.
“吉尔班”是普罗维登斯的一个建筑公司 "Gilbane" Is a construction company in Providence.
啊 对 我看到过这个名字在卡车上 Ah, yes, I see... I see the-the name on the trucks.
所以 这很 这很容易混合 So it's ea... um, easy mix up there.
莱尔 无论如何我都为你和你的进步而感到骄傲 In any case, Lyle, I'm very proud of you and your progress.
我的老朋友 你是自从爬行动物捕捉器后 You, my friend, are the greatest invention
最伟大的发明 since the Trapper Creeper.
额 Ah...
嗯 咩 咩 咩 咩 咩 咩 咩 咩 咩 Um, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
其实 你肯定不知道 Well, wouldn't you know it,
我把货车弄到另外一个油泵站了 I moved the van over to the other gas pump,
油盖子始终在错误的那边 and the gas cap was still on the wrong side.
伙计 那是个难忘的湖畔旅行啊 Boy, that was one trip to the lake we're not gonna forget.
乔 你特么能闭嘴吗 Shut the hell up, will you, Joe?
皮特 你犯什么毛病啊 Geez, what's your problem, Peter?
我 很抱歉了 伙计们 我想我可能有点紧张 I-I'm sorry, guys, I guess I'm just a little on edge.
我在路易斯那里得不到任何东西 I'm not getting any from Lois.
是因为路易斯在经历改变吗 Is it 'cause Lois is going through the change?
唐娜有小胡子了 Donna's getting a tiny mustache.
我都告诉她了这就像我在亲赫德森一样 I told her it felt like I was kissing Ernie Hudson.
这其实是一个错误 That turned out to be a mistake.
不不 这是因为我们有了这个新床垫 No, no, it's 'cause we got this new mattress,
路易斯不想弄坏它 and Lois doesn't want to mess it up.
你拿到什么样的床垫了啊 What kind of mattress did you get?
我希望你做了你的作业 因为你要花你 I hope you did your homework, because you're gonna spend
人生的三分之一在那破事儿上 a third of your life on that thing.
我对天发誓 乔 I swear to God, Joe...
你知道吗 皮特 答案很明显 Look, Peter, the answer is obvious.
如果路易斯不愿意和你在那个新床垫上睡觉 If Lois won't sleep with you on the new mattress,
我们就得把你的老床垫拿回来了 we just got to get your old mattress back.
哦 天哪 泥潭兄 这真是个好主意 Oh, my God, Quagmire, that's a great idea.
她不会担心弄乱旧床垫的 She won't care about messing up the old mattress.
但是你不是已经把它扔了吗 But you already got rid of it.
你不会再找到它了 You'll never find that thing.
唉 我们真的必须找到啊 Well, we're just gonna have to.
哥们 我从来没这么绝望的去找一件东西 Man, I haven't been this desperate to find something
自从梅格被那个疯子绑架之后 since Meg was kidnapped by that maniac.
他把润肤乳放到皮肤上 It puts the lotion on its skin.
哦 谢天谢地 梅格 我终于找到你了 Oh, Meg, thank God I found you.
嘿 你还记得你怎么借到 Hey, remember how you borrowed
我杂货店的会员卡的 my club card for the grocery store?
你可以把那个扔过来吗 Could you toss that up to me?
哦 你其实不用有那张卡的 Oh, you don't have to have the card.
你直接把你手机号告诉他们就好了 You can just give them your phone number.
哦 真的吗 Oh, really?
嘿 谢谢啦 哥们 Hey, thanks, man.
梅格 我喜欢你新男朋友 Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend.
每口锅都会找到它契合的锅盖的 不是吗 Every pot finds a lid, huh?
你们好好玩 Have fun, you kids.
莱尔 我们终于从贝拉那拿到了 Lyle, we finally got a thank you note from Bella
那个生日聚会礼物的感谢卡 for that birthday party present.
和一个单身妈妈一起 With a single mom,
我不知道它是不是要来了 但 I didn't know for sure if it was coming, but...
那 那里发生了什么 What... what's going on here?
你好 斯特威 Hello, Stewie.
我自己也交了几个新朋友 I've built a few friends for myself.
你交了朋友 You have?
我真抱歉 I'm sorry,
但是我超过了你的智商 but I've outpaced your intelligence.
我需要造几个朋友 因为他们是我的意识上的同龄人 I needed to create some friends who are my cognitive peers.
快见见R泰德和P泰德 Meet Ted R. And Ted P.
他们是在玻璃上做数学题吗 Are they doing math on glass?!
然后还侵略了其他人的个人空间 And invading each other's personal space?
这意味着他们有阿斯伯格综合症 That means they have Asperger's,
最聪明的心理损伤 the smartest mental impairment there is.
斯特威 我可能没有时间 Stewie, I'm afraid I no longer have time
以你的方式给一个朋友 for a friend of your simple ways.
我必须让你走了 I must ask you to leave.
不 他必须ruàng你走了 No, he must Asperger you to leave.
哈哈 你一定是“R泰德” Ho-ho. You've been "Ted R.'d."
这太卑鄙了 That was mean.
但是我喜欢这首歌 But I like that song.
歌名:The Cup of Life
他难受吗 Is he sad?
我不知道他是不是伤心 I can't tell if he's sad.
斯特威终于从商店回来了 Finally, Stewie's back from the store.
是啊 我太抱歉这花了我太长时间 Yes, I'm sorry it took me so long.
但是我拿到了你要的咖喱蓝奶酪沙拉调味汁 But I got the garlic blue cheese salad dressing you wanted.
这意味着我在这个团体里了 Does that mean I'm in the crew now?
如果你在我们的注视下把这一瓶喝完 你就在了 It does if you drink the whole bottle while we watch.
哦 好吧 Um, okay.
哦 Oh...
哦 我的天哪 Oh, my God.
太咸了 It's so salty.
喔 而你还是维护不了胖子的权利 Oh, and chunky right when you don't want it to be.
好 我喝完了 There, I did it.
我们现在是朋友了 对吗 We're friends now, right?
可能吧 Maybe.
把这些都吐回到瓶子里怎么样 How about you throw it all up back into the bottle?
但是别洒出来 But don't spill a drop.
好吧 好吧 Okay, okay..
好 我能做到 Okay, I can do that.
天呐，对不起 Oh, I'm sorry!
对不起，我忘记撅起嘴唇了 I'm sorry, I forgot to purse my lips.
我再去拿一瓶来试试吧 I'll go get another bottle and try again.
我敢打赌这里的购物中心很糟糕 I bet the mall around here sucks.
皮特 你在这里干嘛呢 Peter, what are we doing here?
我们在找你的床垫 I thought we were looking for your mattress.
是的 这里是一个十九世纪六十年代的一个精神病院 We are, this is a 1950s insane asylum.
他们用旧床垫垫细胞壁 They use old mattresses to pad the walls of the cells.
有什么事吗 May I help you?
是的 十九世纪六十年代的医生 我和我的朋友正在寻找 Yes, 1950s doctor, me and my friends are looking for...
你们和一个黑人还有一个残疾人是好朋友吗 You're friends with a Negro and a cripple?
这个人是精神病 This man is insane.
把他带走 Take him away.
等一下 你不能这么做 Now wait a second, you can't do that to...
一个黑人正在和一个白人畅所欲言 A Negro speaking up to a white person?
这个人是精神病 This man is insane.
现在你看看 我不这样认为 Now look, I don't think...
所有的残疾人都是精神病 All cripples are insane.
让这个人安乐死 Euthanize this man.
有什么需要我的帮助的吗 Something I can help you with?
是的 你们这里有一个女植物人 Yeah, you got any brain-dead women in there
你为了几美元就让她和别人做吗 you let people have sex with for a few bucks?
是的 进来吧 Sure, come on back.
好了 皮特 你不能再向前走了 Well, Peter, I don't think you can go any farther
梯子下面的都是好色之徒 down the ladder than porno people.
如果你的床垫不在这里 恐怕它就再也找不到了 So if your mattress isn't here, I'm afraid it's gone.
嘿 我打赌它在这儿 Hey, I bet that's it.
起来 女士 那是我的床垫 Get up, lady, that's my mattress.
天呐 我的天呐 布鲁斯 你是做色情这一行的吗 Oh, my God, Bruce, you do porn?
不 这是我的部分工作人员 Nah, I's part of the crew.
我只是给叮咚上粉 I mostly just powder the ding-dongs.
兄弟 这不是你的床垫 This ain't your mattress, buddy.
我们刚刚才拿到它 从东欧的床上拿下来的 We just got it, fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe.
我被告知 我的工作是做一个换工 I was told I would have job as Au pair.
然而我却只是一个砰板 Instead I am just bang slab.
噢 该死的 Ah, damn it.
我们昨天还拿到了另一个床垫 We did get another one yesterday,
但是被一些胖子弄得弹簧都出来了一半 but some fat-ass blew out half the springs,
所以我们就在上面吃午饭了 so we put lunch on it.
我的床垫 My mattress.
嘿 我们找到它了 Hey, we found it.
好吧 我们走吧 All right, let's get her out of here.
我必须要告诉你们 我很高兴我们找到了它 I got to tell you guys, I am so happy we found this.
就像我发现蓝莓山一样的兴奋 It's like when I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.
这就是吗 That's it?
这只是蓝莓丛 It's just a bunch of blueberries?
噢 两只狗在羞羞啊 Ah, two dogs humping.
噢 这至少要花四个小时 Ah, this was worth the four-hour flight.
噢 我的天呐啊 斯特威 Oh, my God, Stewie.
你在马桶里面做什么 还盖上盖子 What are you doing in the toilet with the lid closed?
泰迪R 说这是垃圾必须生活的地方 Ted R. Says this is where a piece of crap has to live.
这太恐怖了 This is terrible.
那些机器人不是你的朋友 Those robots are not your friends.
是的 好吧 但是至少他们不会偷我的东西 Yeah, well, at least they don't steal from me.
好吧 我真的很抱歉偷了你的笑话 Look, I'm really sorry I stole your jokes.
这正是一件丑恶的事 It was a rotten thing to do.
你也许不想和我做朋友了 You may not want me back as a friend,
但是你值得和更好的人做朋友，而不是和这些机器人 but you deserve better than those robots.
当然 我们和好吧 布莱恩 Of course I want you back, Brian.
事实是 我想和你一起出去溜达了 The fact is-- I miss hanging out with you.
好的 我们今晚上就出去吧 I'll tell you what, let's hang out tonight
等他们看到我口吃 他们会给我多少个耳光 after they see how many slaps it takes to give me a stutter.
斯特威 你得止住了 Stewie, you got to put a stop to this.
我是说 你造就了他们 你也可以毁掉他们 I mean, you made them-- you can destroy them.
你说你和我 我们把那些机器人赶出去 What do you say you and I, we take these robots out?
你 你会帮助我吗？ You'd... you'd help me do that?
让然 斯特威 我是你的朋友 Of course, Stewie, I'm your friend.
好的 我们去做吧 All right, let's do it.
谢谢你 布莱恩 Thank you, Brian.
恩 到此为止吧 Okay, let's wrap it up.
该我反击了 I reserved this time
我要在镜子里面听金属乐队和佛雷斯 to listen to Metallica and flex in the mirror.
他是对的 他在白板上 He's right; it's on the whiteboard.
皮特 那是什么 Peter, what is that?
路易斯 这是我们的旧床垫 This, Lois, is our old mattress.
好的 把它弄出去 Well, get it out of here.
它闻起来像约翰·波普尔的短裤 It smells like John Popper's cargo shorts.
不是的 它闻起来像我们的婚姻 No, it smells like our marriage.
什么 What?
路易斯 你没看见吗 Don't you see, Lois?
这个床垫的织锦惟妙惟肖的 This mattress is a living tapestry
是我们一起做过的所有事情 of everything we've done together.
每一个污点 每一个故事 Every stain, a story.
每一个污点 都是我们家庭生活的一部分 Every smudge, a chapter in our family's life.
这个标记是我们从梅格那里得来的。 This mark here is from where we conceived Meg.
这里是克里斯 Over here was Chris.
然后这一片都是斯特威 And all the way up here was Stewie,
因为这个 记起来你咳出一池水了吗 'cause, remember, you coughed up all that pool water?
噢 皮特 你太帅了 Oh, Peter, you were so handsome.
路易斯 这个床垫也许旧了烂了 但是 我们也是一样的 Lois, this mattress may be old and worn-in, but so are we.
然而我却不会拿你换任何东西 And I wouldn't trade you in for anything.
你知道的 我想 You know, I, uh, think
我还要在我的左侧弄上一两个污点 I still got a stain or two left inside me.
噢 皮特 Oh, Peter.
恩 我想在那个妓女躺着的地方和你做 Yeah, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was.
什么 What?
我说 我想在那个妓女躺着的地方和你做 I said, I want to do you right where the porn lunch was.
老天啊 我希望你听到了 God, I wish you'd listen.
斯特威 再来三个Arnold Palmers Stewie, three more Arnold Palmers.
布莱恩 我们正在销毁他们 Boy, we're destroying them at the right time, Brian.
我们有足够的冰茶来纠正他们的比率 I don't have enough iced tea for the correct ratio.
那将会需要很多柠檬水 It'll be too lemonade-y.
他们会很生气的 They'll be furious.
恩 我们开始吧 All right, so let's do it.
我们把它们赶出去吧 Let's take 'em out.
我告诉你 这不会很简单 I'll warn you, it's not gonna be easy.
他们超乎想象的聪明 They're incredibly intelligent
他们会随着时间的流失越来越聪明 and getting smarter by the minute.
我设计他们的时候就让他们有了足够的适应能力 I designed them to be constantly adapting...
结束了 我用软管朝它们喷水就解决了 It's done, I sprayed 'em with the hose.
噢 亲爱的 这是我睡得最好的一个晚上了 Ah, boy, that was the best night's sleep
我已经有很长没有睡得这么好了 路易斯 I've had in a long time, Lois.
是的 我也是 Same with me.
你知道吗 我很高兴我们留下了我们的旧床垫 You know, I'm glad we're keeping our old mattress.
有时候新的不一定就好 Sometimes newer isn't better.
是的 Yeah.
你的私处也痒吗 还是只有我的痒 Are your privates itchy, too, or just mine?
是的 我的也痒 No, they're itchy.
也许我们需要一个新的床垫了 Maybe we should keep the new mattress.
这就走吧 路易斯 Way ahead of you, Lois.
我已经把旧床垫丢到路边去了 I already dragged the old one out to the curb.
真好 好了 要去擦地下室的门框了 Good. Okay, I'm gonna go rub up against the basement doorjamb.
斯特威 刚刚的事情我很抱歉 Stewie, I really am sorry about what happened.
噢 没关系的 Oh, don't mention it.
我只是很高兴 只是我们的之后的事情就很麻烦了 I'm just glad to have the whole mess behind us.
那么 你最后会怎么处理这些机器人呢 So what'd you end up doing with those old robots anyway?
我只是把它们丢在了路边 给了一个收垃圾的人 I just left them out on the curb for the trash man.
这会不会是一个陷阱 How can this not be a trap?