欢迎,先生们。 Greetings, gentlemen.
我假设你们的妻子不在你们身边,因为我们电影的标题 I assume your wives are not with you, as the very title of our piece...
已经足以激起她们心中的恐惧。 ...is sufficient to strike terror in their hearts...
并使她们留在家里, 她们应该呆的地方！ ...and cause them to remain at home in their kitchens, where they belong!
无论如何, 先生们, 你们今晚到这里来是来学习的。 In any case, gentlemen, you have come here tonight to learn...
并且你们应该来，你们应该来。 ...and so you shall and so you shall.
我们将从观看并思索 Stanley Ford 先生的案例开始。 We will begin by considering the case of Mr. Stanley Ford.
不像你们这些可怜的灵魂，Ford 先生有永不结婚的智慧。 Unlike you poor souls, Mr. Ford has had the wisdom never to marry.
因此他是一个完全快乐的男人。 He is, therefore, a completely happy man.
这里是 Ford 先生居住的城市。 This is Mr. Ford's town.
这是他的房子。 This is Mr. Ford's townhouse.
这是他房子的阳台小花园。 This is the terrace of Mr. Ford's townhouse.
看看我们， Look at us!
是这疯狂的世上优雅生命的最后据点。疯狂！ The last stronghold of gracious living in a world gone mad.Mad!
哦, 顺便一提,我的名字是 Charles, Ford 先生的管家。 By the way, my name is Charles, Mr. Ford's man.
我毫不夸张地说我还是他的自信与朋友。 I flatter myself that I'm also his confidant and friend.
就像每个在纽约的人, Like everybody else in New York...
Ford 先生在隔壁有一个很小的建筑工程在进行着。 ...Mr. Ford has a tiny bit of construction going on next door.
实际上，那并不糟糕，真的。 Actually, it's not so bad, really.
我们几乎喜欢上了工人们工作时的小哭喊声。 We've almost come to like the little cries of the workmen...
并且这咕啪咕啪的声音来源于咕啪咕啪机器。 ...and the gloppitta-gloppitta noises which emanate from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine.
在那儿. Over there.
不管怎么说房子室内 In any case, the interior of the house...
是隔音的。所以生活就这样继续。 ...is soundproof, and so life goes on.
这里是 Ford 先生的起居室。 This is Mr. Ford's living room.
你会注意到这里完全没有所谓的女人的印记。 Notice, if you will, the complete absence of the so-called "woman's touch."
没有女人喜欢的五颜六色大花布, 没有浮夸的大台灯。 No gay little chintzes, no big gunky lamps.
实际上，所有东西都是阳刚的。并且完美的。 In fact, everything is masculine and perfect.
实际上，你本来可以拥有这样的地方 In fact, the sort of place you could've had.
只有你有不结婚的明智时才行。 If only you'd had the sense not to get married.
但你会说, "可怜的注孤生的家伙， 他怎么度过孤独的夜晚?" But you say, "Poor, lonely man, how does he spend his evenings?"
我只能想象那个年轻的女士, 她 I should imagine the young lady...
跳了一整晚的舞, ...having danced all night...
然后在空气中飘走了 ...literally left here walking on air.
这儿就是整个建筑的神经中枢 And this is the nerve center of the entire establishment.
我的房间 My quarters.
如果你足够幸运有这样一个房间， If you were fortunate enough to have a room such as this...
你妻子毫无疑问会占了它 ...your wife would undoubtedly have taken it over...
让她上年纪又讨厌的母亲住。 ...to house her aged and disagreeable mother.
这是 Ford 先生的马提尼酒杯。 This is Mr. Ford's martini glass.
会在今晚七点时被适当地冷却。 It should be properly chilled by 7:00 p.m. This evening.
这是 Ford 先生的浴室 This is Mr. Ford's shower.
温度恒控在 Ford 先生的体温 Thermostatically controlled at Mr. Ford's body temperature.
华氏98.7度。 98.7.
现在是时候看看 Ford 先生本人了。 Now, it is time to reveal Mr. Ford himself.
来吧 Ole.
Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford. Mr. Ford.
10:30了，太阳晒屁股了。 It's 10:30 a.m. The sun is shining.
哦，永远别试图说话直到你洗完澡. Please, never try to speak until you've had your shower.
起床床喽 Upsy-daisy.
很好. Very good.
160, 很准. 我真不知道你怎么做到的. 160, right on the button. I don't know how you do it!
不过我确实知道你是怎么做到的，因为你的卡路里摄入计算的很仔细. I do know how you do it. Your calories are counted very carefully.
先生，你意识到 Do you realize, sir...
距离黄油上一次在家里出现已经过了六个月了? ...it's six months since an ounce of butter's been used in this house?
- Charles, 你知道今天是什么日子吗？ - 我知道，先生. - Charles, do you know what day this is? - I do, sir. Indeed I do.
在12:22分那一刻, Faberg钻石将是我们的. At exactly 12:22, the Faberge Diamond will be ours!
这是场刺激的冒险, 但我很高兴它结束了 It's been an exciting adventure, but I'll be glad when it's over...
所以我们可以进行下一个章节了. ...so we can move on to the next caper.
等一等. Wait a minute.
等会儿. Hold it!
开始! Go!
进来, Charles. Come in, Charles.
对不起，先生. Pardon me, sir.
Lampson先生真的打电话来了. Mr. Lampson did indeed telephone.
港务局很生气. The Port Authority is livid.
那条船的承运人也很生气. 并且Mr Lampson 本人极其沮丧. The freighter people are furious and Mr. Lampson himself is terribly upset.
他当然沮丧喽，他是个律师. 别人就是付他钱让他沮丧的. Of course he is. He's a lawyer. He's paid to be upset.
无论如何，瞧！ 只需英雄能量一瞬的爆发 At any rate, voila! In one dazzling burst of brilliance...
Bash Brannigan 就将 Faberg肚脐案结了. ...Bash Brannigan has successfully concluded The Case of the Faberge Navel.
太棒了，真的太棒了 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!
我尤其喜欢“splunk”这个拟声词 I especially care for the "splunk."
- 那么我们下一个章节是什么，先生? - 我都已经设计好了 - What is to be our next caper, sir? - I've got it practically all worked out.
是一个被谋杀的男人的故事 It's the story of a man who gets murdered...
发生在帝国大厦屋顶. ...while staring at the top of the Empire State Building.
我觉得我会叫它，盯着摩天楼发呆案 I think I'll call it The Skyscraper Gaper Caper.
听起来真刺激，先生. Sounds really exciting, sir.
但你将不得不从直升机上拍大多数镜头。 But you'll have to shoot most of it from a helicopter.
而且还得封闭第五大道的第三十四号到第五十九号. And it will involve closing off 5th Avenue from 34th to 59th street.
如果我们能找到一个方法 Wouldn't it be great if we could find a way...
炸掉那些玻璃办公建筑的其中一座不是很棒吗？ ...to blow up one of those glass office buildings?
啪嗒, 啪嗒 Tinkle, tinkle.
怎么了, Charles? 你不喜欢吗? What's the matter? You don't like it?
哦, 我喜欢, 先生! I love it, sir!
但我在想Lampson先生. But I was thinking of Mr. Lampson.
可怜的Lampson先生. Poor Mr. Lampson.
Stanley, 你能先停停吗? Stanley! Can't you stop for just a minute?
我现在以你的朋友的身份跟你讲话! I'm speaking to you now, not as a lawyer but as a friend.
你已经是个成年人了, 成年人不应该 Stan, you're a grown man, and grown men simply can't...
我重复一遍- 不应该在中午时分在纽约大街上散播恐慌 ...repeat, can't go spreading terror in New York at the height of noon accompanied...
你能停一下吗？你居然还带了个裸女! - Will you stop just a minute? ...by naked women!
她穿着衣服那. 她的肚脐上有个钻石. She wasn't naked! She had a diamond in her navel.
还有这些发狂的管家们和拿着刀的罪犯！ All right, and those demented butlers and criminals with knives.
你不能再继续表现地像个从精神病院逃出来的疯子一样！ You cannot continue comporting yourself in the manner of an escaped lunatic!
Bash Brannigan，秘密特务 在463家报纸上同时发表 Bash Brannigan, Secret Agent is syndicated in 463 newspapers.
- 你知道为什么吗？ - 当然，我知道. - You know why? - Sure, I know.
因为它是一部加入暴力和虐待元素来冲淡 Because of hardcore pornography...
那些纯色情成分的漫画！ ...softened slightly, ever so slightly, by excessive violence and sadism!
Bash Brannigan被数百万人所喜欢因为我的读者知道它是真实可信的 Bash Brannigan is enjoyed by millions because my readers know it's authentic.
我永远不会要求Bash去做一件我没有做过的事 I never asked Bash to do anything I hadn't already done myself.
Stan Stan.
我想提醒你, 小伙子, 你已经37岁了. I wanna remind you, lad, that you are now 37 years old.
并且说实话，你应该安顿下来了 And, quite frankly, it's time that you settle down.
Edna和我昨晚讨论过了，她觉得—— Edna and I were discussing you last night, and Edna feels...
我同意——像你这种年纪的人 ...frankly, I agree with her, that there's something almost immoral...
还没结婚是很不道德的 ...about a man of your age who isn't married.
不去办公室上班 整天坐着画连载漫画 Doesn't go to an office, sits around drawing an infantile comic strip...
这只对傻瓜有吸引力 ...that appeals only to morons.
Stanley，你在听吗？ Stanley, are you listening?
我突然想和你谈谈我的孩子们， I happen to mention to the kids...
今天下午咱们得一起见他们 ...that I was gonna be meeting with you this afternoon.
咱们俩或多或少 We kinda have...
有点家庭小争执，我们想让你安顿下来，好吧，重点是 ...a little family argument that we want you to settle. The point is that...
Hal和Tommy都认为 ...Hal and Tommy both think that the microfilm...
微缩胶卷藏在那女孩肚脐上的钻石里 ...is hidden in the diamond in the girl's navel.
当然，我告诉他们他们疯了 I told them that they were crazy.
实际上我说这话冒了很大的风险 In fact, I went a little bit out on a limb.
我告诉他们我是你的律师 并且我知道 I told them that I was your lawyer and I knew damn well...
那女孩肚脐上的钻石里并没有藏着微缩胶卷 ...that the microfilm wasn't hidden in the diamond in the girl's navel.
并且他们应该是信了 By the way, they were really quite impressed.
我必须说，在这件事上我有点擅做主张 但我是你的律师 I must say, I made quite a little character there, being your lawyer.
你知道的，我知道漫画是怎么发行的还有其他所有的事 You know, knowing how the strip was coming out and all.
现在，他们确实 For a moment there, they were actually...
有点为他们的父亲骄傲 ...kinda proud of their old man.
女孩肚脐上的钻石里确实没有微缩胶卷，是吧？ The girl doesn't have the microfilm in the diamond in her navel, does she?
草，说实话吧！ Honest to God.
你得上点心了！你已经和现实生活失去联系了！ You ought to pull yourself together! You've lost all touch with reality!
你知道你最应该干的是什么吗？ You know what you really should do...
Edna和我那一晚讨论过这个 ...and we were discussing this the other night...
你最应该做的是安顿下来！ ...what you should really do is settle down.
找个好女孩然后结婚！ Find some nice girl and get married!
然后你就会知道孩子的对父亲的信任都是什么了！ Then you'd know what it's all about.
- Charles，你看起来很沮丧。 - 不，一点也不，先生。 - Charles, you seem upset. - Not at all, sir.
我很抱歉，先生 I'm sorry, sir.
我有种不祥的预感 I seem to be overcome by a sense of foreboding.
不详的预感？ Foreboding?
一种感觉，对...我怎么把它放进去？ 对即将发生的灾难 A feeling of... How can I put it? Impending disaster.
- 灾难？你在说...我来吧 - 谢谢 - Disaster? What are you... I'll do that. - Thank you.
我很确定它什么都不是。只是我有种本能反应 I'm sure it's nothing. It's just...
我觉得今晚你会发生什么不好的事 ...my natural reaction to the unhappy nature of the event you are attending.
我明白了 I see.
你试着想想 To think of it.
你要去的可是可怜的Rawlins先生的单身晚宴 A bachelor dinner for poor Mr. Rawlins.
- 他明天真的要结婚了吗，先生 - 是的，恐怕是这样 - Is he really getting married tomorrow, sir? - I'm afraid so.
可怜的老Tobey 我从未想过他会被婚姻钉住 Poor old Tobey. You know, I never thought they'd nail him.
我很内疚，是我介绍他们认识的，不是吗？ I feel guilty about it. I introduced them, didn't I?
您别责怪自己 他是个成年人了 You mustn't blame yourself. He's a fully-grown man.
是的 That's true.
- 并且James小姐，不管怎么说很可爱 - 是的没错 - And Miss James is, after all, a lovely lady. - Yes, that's true.
先生，你觉得她会在婚礼旅行时穿她的金鞋吗 Sir, do you think she might need her gold shoes for the wedding journey?
我觉得不会 I think not.
你能帮我向Rawlins先生传达我最真诚的祝福吗？ Would you be good enough to extend to Mr. Rawlins my heartiest congratulations?
当然 Of course.
不用久等，您知道这些晚宴是怎样的 Don't wait up. You know how these things are.
我知道，先生 I do, sir.
我确实知道 I do indeed.
晚上好，Blackstone法官 Good evening, Judge Blackstone.
- 我恐怕这是个多么令人惋惜的场合 - 不，我的朋友 - I'm afraid this is a mournful occasion. - Not at all, my boy.
我结婚38年了 Been married 38 years myself.
但我没有一天后悔的 I don't regret one day of it.
我不感到后悔的那天是 The one day of it I don't regret was...
1936年8月2日 ...August 2, 1936.
她去拜访她生病的母亲了 She was off visiting her ailing mother at the time.
先生们，请注意！ Gentlemen, your attention please.
Valerie James小姐... Miss Valerie James...
- 顺便一说，是个超棒，超棒的姑娘 - 都懂，都懂 - Wonderful girl, by the way. - Hear, hear!
谢谢 Thank you.
Valerie James小姐... Miss Valerie James...
最终决定不和我结婚了! ...has decided not to marry me, after all!
她把戒指还给了我 She gave me back the ring!
法官大人 Your Honor...
你最好 You better...
你最好坐下，法官大人 你绝对醉了 You better sit down, Your Honor. You're absolutely smashed.
醉了？哪有！我的朋友！ Smashed? Nonsense, my boy.
我像个法官一样清醒 I'm as sober as a judge.
所以才有了“法官最清醒”这句谚语 Hence the origin of the phrase.
别这么做，先生！ No! Don't do it, sir!
早上好，Charles Good morning, Charles.
早上好，先生 Good morning, sir.
早上好 Good morning.
别进来，房间里有位女士 Lady in the bedroom.
我，嗯，不知道怎么 I don't know, frankly, how to...
向你说好 ...break this to you.
我昨晚遇见了她 I met her last night.
她从蛋糕里出来 She came out of a cake.
我好像和她结婚了 I seem to be married to her.
Charles! Charles!
你醒了，很好，很好 You're awake. Now, that's fine, good.
听着，在任何事发生之前。。 Look, before anything else happens...
咱们得小小地谈谈 ...we have to have a little talk.
一次严肃的交谈 A serious talk.
一次非常严肃的交谈 A very serious talk.
现在，嗯，首先，我得先为昨晚道歉，很明显我犯了个错误 First of all, I would like to apologize for last night. Obviously, a mistake has been made.
在我看来，没有什么事情是不能改正的 On my part. It's nothing that can't be rectified.
我们可以改正它只要我们保持头脑清醒 It certainly can be rectified, if we'll all just keep our heads.
让我们 Let's...
十分冷静地开始讨论这个事实。 ...begin by very calmly discussing the facts.
昨晚在老Tobey的单身晚宴 Last night, at old Tobey's bachelor dinner...
你从蛋糕里出来了。这很正常 ...you came out of a cake. That's quite natural.
年轻的女士们经常在单身晚宴上从蛋糕里出来 Young ladies frequently come out of cakes at bachelor dinners.
到目前还好 So far, so good.
你和我相互吸引。这也很正常 You and I were attracted to each other. That's also perfectly natural.
咱俩突然就成了对方眼中极其有魅力的人 We happen to be two extremely attractive people.
无论如何，我跟着你去了你的化妆间 At any rate, I followed you back to your dressing room...
并且，由于一些愚蠢的冲动 我问你能不能嫁给我 ...and, on some insane impulse, I asked you to marry me.
我当时喝醉了，很明显 I was intoxicated, that's quite obvious.
并且，很显然你答应了 Apparently, you accepted...
我记得我们回到宴会厅宣布我们订婚了 ...at which point, we went back to the dining room to announce our betrothal.
我的朋友们还热情地欢迎这个决定 Which was greeted with some enthusiasm by my friends.
转眼间，市长就给管结婚证的那人打了电话， Right away, the mayor gets on the phone.
叫醒了他，还说咱俩不用去验血了 （过去欧美国家会夫妇会在结婚前先验血体检） He wakes up the license clerk, and waives the blood tests...
在我明白过来之前，Blackstone法官已经在那儿 Before I knew it, there's Judge Blackstone...
两个人架着他， “我在此宣布你们成为丈夫和妻子” ...two guys holdin' him up, "now pronouncing you man and wife."
不管怎样，亲爱的，事情当时就是这么发生的 Anyway, that's where things stand, my dear, at the moment.
像我所说的那样，没有事情不能被简单地改正 As I say, it's nothing that can't be rectified, quite simply.
并且你将会得到一个慷慨的解决方法 我碰巧又很有钱 You'll get a handsome settlement. I happen to be very well off.
去维加斯玩六个星期 Six weeks in Las Vegas.
就是这样了 All there is to it.
天哪，你是意大利人 By God, you're Italian!
嫩不说...你不说 Vous ne parlez... You don't...
不说英语？ No speak the English?
意大利语 Italian.
对！ Yes!
哦天哪，请原谅，我一会儿回来 Oh, my God. Excuse me, I'll be right back.
你，呃，穿，衣服 You get dressed.
我，去和，管家，谈谈 Me go talk butler.
Stanley. Stanley.
Charles! Charles!
你不能这么干！ You can't do this!
对不起，但我不为已婚夫妇工作 Sorry, sir, but I do not work for married couples.
你在进入这段古怪的婚姻之前就已经知道了 You knew that before you entered into this curious alliance.
现在，请你，你能看着我吗？ Oh, now, please. Would you look at me?
上帝啊！先生，这是怎么发生的？ Good God, sir. How did it happen?
这不是我的错，我发誓！ 你一定得相信我！ It wasn't my fault. I swear it wasn't! You've got to believe me!
当然，我相信你，先生。 Of course I believe you, sir.
可怜的先生 Poor sir.
可怜的Charles Poor Charles.
天啊，咱俩现在算什么？ Good heavens, what is to become of us now?
我不知道 I don't know.
即使所有人都失去理智，咒骂你时 If you can keep your head...
你还能保持头脑清醒 ...when all around are losing theirs, and blaming it on you...
事实上，你是对的，我们没有什么好担心的 As a matter of fact, you're right. We have nothing to worry about.
我已经向这位年轻的女士解释过情况了 I've explained the situation to the young lady.
我告诉她我希望他今天下午能坐上去拉斯维加斯的航班 I told her I expect her to be on an airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon!
这简直太棒了，先生 她什么反应 That's absolutely marvelous, sir. What was the young lady's reaction?
有点不好说。她好像 It's a little difficult to say. She doesn't seem to...
不说英语 ...speak English.
我的天 Good God.
不说英语？ Doesn't speak English?
另一方面，如果一个人要和从蛋糕里出来的女士结婚 On the other hand, if one will go around marrying persons who pop out of cakes...
那他得到一个什么类型的女士都不稀奇，不是吗先生？ ...it's bound to be rather catch-as-catch-can, isn't it, sir?
当然，这下你能意识到这整件事有多荒唐了 Surely, you can realize how ridiculous this whole thing is.
我会给Harold Lampson打电话 我会去见他 I'll call Harold Lampson, I'll run down to see him...
然后所有事都会在五分钟之内捋清楚 ...and it'll all be straightened out in five minutes.
我向你保证，下午三点时，她就会坐在去拉斯维加斯的飞机上了 I promise you, by 3:00 p.m., she'll be on a plane to Las Vegas.
- 嘿，Bash - 嘿，你咋样？ - Hi, Bash. - Hi. How are you?
- 真的？先生？ - 真的 - Really, sir? - Really.
好了，现在，你怎么不回你房间待着呢 Now, look. Why don't you just go back to your room?
你漂亮的房间，和你的书和音乐一起开心地待在一起 Your beautiful room, where you've been so happy with your books and music.
把行李放下吧，Charles 没有什么会改变，我向你保证 Unpack, Charles. Nothing has changed, I promise you.
晚饭时间照常？ Dinner at the usual time?
- 一个人的晚餐？ - 对 - Dinner for one? - Please.
很好，很好，你已经穿戴好了 There you are and you're all dressed. Good.
你在外面等着，我换衣服 You wait outside while I get dressed.
你知道，然后，你，我，咱们去和 You know, and then you, me, we go talking...
律师谈谈，伍分钟 ...lawyer, cinque minuti.
好吗？ All right?
Harold. 我惹上麻烦了 Harold. I'm in trouble.
我不认为是什么你不能处理的事情 I don't think it's anything you can't handle.
我惹上了超级麻烦 I'm in terrible trouble.
比这还糟糕，Harold，我 Worse than that Harold, I'm...
- 结婚了 - 结婚了？ - I'm married. - Married?
是的，我结婚了 That's right, I'm married.
结婚啦？ Married?
好 Okay.
现在不行 Not now.
要办的事太多了 去律师办公室，来 There's lots to do. Gotta go to the lawyer's office. Come on.
写份离婚协议书 在拉斯维加斯找个律师 Work out a separation agreement, get you a lawyer in Las Vegas...
预订家酒店或者一间小公寓 ...hotel reservations or maybe a little apartment.
早上好，Ford先生！恭喜！ Good morning, Mr. Ford! Congratulations!
还有，古德毛宁，Ford太太 And buongiorno, Mrs. Ford.
Lampson太太很快会从乡村俱乐部赶来 Mrs. Lampson will be here from the country club any minute.
Lampson先生. 他们在这儿呢 Mr. Lampson. They're here.
我想见见这位最终拴住老Stan的小姐 I want to see the little lady that finally nailed old Stan.
您不介意我吻一下新娘吧 You don't mind if I kiss the bride, do you?
恭喜，Ford太太 Congratulations, Mrs. Ford.
天哪，你没说错！她是意大利人 My God, you're right! She is Italian.
你是说她不说 You mean that she doesn't speak...
任-何-英-语？ ...A- N-Y E-N-G-L-l-S-H?
一个字也不说 Not one word!
一个字也不说？ 你这幸运的混蛋！ Not a word? You lucky devil!
Harold，能请你别说了吗！ Harold, will you please!
现在，我们有成吨的事情得干 给她买张机票 Now, we've got one million things to do. Get her an airplane ticket.
- 你必须得新立一个遗嘱 - 然后在维加斯给她找个律师 - You've got to make out a new will. - Then get her a lawyer in Las Vegas.
你得做次身体检查 You've got to get your physical.
- 做啥？ - 身体检查 - My what? - Your physical.
我这就叫个医生来，就在办公室里给你检查 I'm gonna have a doctor come here and check you out right here in the office.
一会儿就好 It'll only take a moment.
你他妈在说些狗? What the hell are you talking about?
我在给你讲保险的事 I am talking to you about insurance.
保险，Stan Insurance, Stan.
这就够了，谢谢。你可以走了 That'll be enough, thank you. You may go now.
你现在是一个已婚的有责任的男人了 You're a married man now, with responsibilities.
- 如果你被卡车撞了怎么办？ - 我怎么会被卡车撞？ - What if you were to get hit by a truck? - Not gonna get hit by a truck!
这就是重点 The point is this.
不论你发生了什么 No matter what happens to you...
你都会知道Ford太太 ...you are going to want to know that Mrs. Ford...
Ford太太 Mrs. Ford.
哦真好听 I love the way that sounds.
她将会被好好照顾 ...is being cared for.
我最想知道的是Ford太太 All I want to know is that Mrs. Ford...
坐上今天下午飞拉斯维加斯的飞机！ ...is on an airplane to Las Vegas this afternoon!
- 这是我最想。。。 - Stanley! 俺的爱 - That's all that I want to... - Stanley! Caro.
不！别！能请你别？ No, please. Will you, please?
小伙子，你已经得到一个情意绵绵的小东西了 An affectionate little thing you've got there, lad.
看看他们！他们在一起不可爱吗？ Look at them! Aren't they adorable together?
我从未想过会活着看到这天，Edna Never thought I'd live to see the day, but Edna...
这是Stan的妻子 ...this is Stan's wife.
意大利人 Italian.
一-句-英-语也不会说 Doesn't speak a W-O-R-D of English.
这是我的妻子 This my wife...
她会木事多意大利语 她去过博利茨语言学习中心上课。 ...but she speak mucho good Italian. Go Berlitz. Take lessons.
学习意大利语，300美元 Learn Italian. $300 worth.
300美元可是不少里拉 $300 is many lira.
闭嘴，Harold 你听起来就像个低能的印第安人 Shut up, Harold. You sound like a feeble-minded Indian.
事情很简单。我想取消 我不喜欢结婚 It's very simple. I want an annulment. I do not like being married.
你怎么知道你不喜欢 你还没去试呢 How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?
我试过了 I tried it.
你既然试过了，你就应该知道现在想取消太晚了 If you've tried it, then it's too late to get an annulment.
你的妻子有超可爱的幽默感 你知道她刚刚说什么吗？ Your wife has the cutest sense of humor. You know what she just said?
她说她昨晚从蛋糕里出来时遇到了你 She said she met you last night when she came out of a cake.
这是真的，她就是这么干的！ That's right, she did!
起诉她！离婚！ Sue her for divorce!
怎么起？ How?
说是她的不对 Reason with her.
- 怎样？ - 你真是听起来像个低能的印第安人 - How? - You do sound like a feeble-minded Indian.
问她为什么要从蛋糕里出来 Ask her what she was doing coming out of that cake.
她说啥 What did she say?
她说啥 What'd she say?
她说这是她唯一能干的工作 She said that was the only job she could get...
因为她所有的衣服都被偷了 ...because all her clothes were stolen.
- 医生来啦 - Harold。 - The good doctor. - Harold.
你认识Bentley医生的 他来给你做检查 You know Dr. Bentley here. He's here to give you your physical.
给我一分钟捋清楚 One minute. Let me get this straight.
谁偷了她的，你的衣服？ Who stole her... Who stole your clothes?
Lapland小姐 Miss Lapland.
她说啥？ What'd she say?
她说Lapland小姐偷了她的衣服，天知道Miss Lapland是谁 That her clothes were stolen by Miss Lapland, whoever that is.
Stanley，你能脱掉夹克来回上下几次台阶吗？ Stanley, if you'll just slip off your jacket, start walking up and down these steps.
每次四十次，对你这样年纪的男人来说足够了 Forty times each way should be enough for a man your age.
不过，你多大了？ What is your age, anyway?
多大年纪才能离婚啊？ How old do you have to be to get a divorce?
再走 下来Stanley... Walk down, Stanley...
我对保险不感兴趣！ 我要离婚！ I'm not interested in his insurance. I'm getting a divorce!
- 离婚？ - 对！ - Divorce? - Yes!
离婚？不。在俺们意大利没有离婚一说 Divorce? No. In Italia no divorce.
你能闭嘴吗？求你啦！ 问她这事儿都在哪发生的？ Will you please cut it out? Come on. Ask her where did all this happen?
在哪儿？ Where?
她说啥？ What did she say?
"银河小姐比赛." 我想她刚刚说了这个 "Miss Galaxy contest." I think that's what she said.
银河小姐比赛? Miss Galaxy contest?
她说了啥？ What did she say?
她说，要是没有那个环节，她就已经赢了比赛了 She said, she would've won the contest except for one thing.
才艺展示环节 That was the talent part.
她的才艺就是做饭，她做了 And her talent was cooking. She made a...
肉馅蛋奶酥 Lasagna souffle.
肉馅蛋奶酥 上帝啊，我得回博利茨语言学习中心 Lasagna souffle. My God, I've got to go back to Berlitz.
当她弯下腰准备把拿蛋奶酥出炉时 When she bent down to take the souffle out of the oven...
观众席上所有的人都开始跳，你懂 ...all the men in the audience started jumping, you know.
大喊大叫，结果蛋奶酥的外皮塌了！ And yelling and screaming and... Down went the souffle!
太好了，真他娘好！ Bravo! Bravissimo!
我现在问你几个问题 I'll have to ask you a few questions now.
我觉得你得过所有儿童疾病 I suppose you've had all the children's diseases?
不，并且我也还没被卡车撞 No, and I haven't been hit by a truck yet either.
那麻疹，腮腺炎，水痘，百日咳呢？ How about the measles, mumps, chickenpox, whooping cough?
都得过 Yes.
请卷起你的左袖 Roll up your left sleeve, please.
你为什么不给我个离婚协议书？你不能给吗？ Why can't you get me a divorce? You can't?
其他的顾客都能从他的律师那儿得到离婚协议书！ Other clients get divorces from their lawyers!
其他的顾客给他们的律师充分的理由来得到离婚协议书 Other clients give their attorneys grounds to work on that get the divorce.
小伙子，好好想想吧 Think about that a little bit, lad.
曾有头晕、昏厥、头痛、哮喘吗？ Ever have dizziness, fainting spells, headaches, asthma?
没 No.
- 什么理由？ - 理由像是。。 - What grounds? - Grounds like...
通奸，精神虐待，遗弃另一半，疯了 ...adultery, mental cruelty, desertion, insanity.
你怎么评价你的饮酒习惯？从不喝？ How would you evaluate your drinking habits? None at all?
偶尔喝杯社交鸡尾酒？多吗？超多？ Occasional social cocktail? Heavily? To excess?
就喝多过一次 Just once.
就一杯。你现在需要一杯，孩子！ Just one. You're gonna need one now, boy!
忧郁症？背疼？肝肾或肠道疾病？ Melancholia? Backaches? Liver, kidney or intestinal ailments?
你有时会一言不合就哭吗？ Crying spells?
可怜的小家伙，你知道她刚刚跟我说什么吗？ Poor creature. You know what she just told me?
她所剩的就只有身上穿的，一件泳衣和一件雨衣了 All she has left is what she's wearing, a bathing suit and a raincoat.
接下来几个小时我要借走你亲爱的妻子 I'm going to borrow your darling wife for the next few hours...
我们将给她采购所有东西，内衣到大衣 ...and we're going to buy her everything from lingerie to a mink coat.
这种条件下我测不了血压！ I can't get a reading under these conditions!
真可爱！你知道她说的什么吗？ Isn't that darling? You know what she said?
她说她穿了大衣但没穿内衣 She said she has a coat and she doesn't wear underwear.
跟我来，我会照顾到方方面面。 Come with me, I'll take care of everything.
现在你是已婚俱乐部的一员了 You're a member of the club now.
一个资格充分的会员了！ A full-fledged member!
- 谁呀？ - 快递！ - Yes? - Delivery.
- 这是Ford家吗？ - 是的。你是谁？想干嘛？ - Is this the Ford residence? - Yes. Who are you? What do you want?
Ford太太让我把这些东西放到厨房 Mrs. Ford told me to put this stuff in the kitchen.
- 谁啊？ - 快递 - Yes? - Delivery.
不好意思，这是Ford家吗？ Pardon me. Is this the Ford residence?
是的，不过。。 Yes, but...
Ford太太建议我把这些东西直接放到她卧室 Mrs. Ford suggested we place these things directly in her bedroom.
一定发生了什么差错 There must be some mistake.
是的。 Yes.
Ford太太. Signora Ford.
一次一个人！ 到底他妈的怎么了，Charles？ One at a time! What the hell is going on, Charles?
对不起，先生，但我恐怕这新的三人共处关系不会有好结果的 I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid this new arrangement isn't going to work.
是的，好吧，我。。 Yes, well I...
这女人疯了，绝对疯了，疯得绝了 This woman is mad. Stark, raving mad.
她不只是在做肉馅蛋奶酥 She is not only preparing a lasagna souffle...
- 什么玩意？ - 肉馅蛋奶酥 - A what? - Lasagna souffle.
看看这意大利面酱 But look at the spaghetti sauce.
调肉汁用的绿洋葱埋在至少一磅的黄油里面 Green onions browning in at least a pound of butter.
茄子在油里游泳 Eggplant swimming in oil!
不过闻起来不错，不是吗 Smells good, though, doesn't it?
先生，我不是在给你最后通牒 Sir, I am not given to issuing ultimata...
但事情很简单，您得做个选择 ...but it's simple, you'll have to choose.
选我还是她！ Either she goes or I go!
我一直在尝试解决这件事，你别太武断 I've been trying to settle it, if you won't be so arbitrary.
这是她的第一天，还不知道规矩 It's the kid's first day. She doesn't know the ropes yet.
别说了，我差不多懂了 Say no more. I quite understand.
实际上，我料到过事情可能会变成这样 In fact, I thought it might come to this.
因此，我早采取了预防措施，我已经重新打包好了我的行李 Therefore, I took the precaution of re-packing my bags.
等会儿，你能停下来吗？ Wait just a minute. Will you stop this?
你觉得你能去哪？ 你能干什么？ Where do you think you're gonna go? What would you do?
实际上，先生, Rawlins先生 今天下午打电话来了. Actually,sir, Mr. Rawlins phoned this afternoon.
什么鬼？老Tobey？ What? Old Tobey?
是的，先生。由于他决定不结婚，您又做了相反的决定 Yes, sir. As he has decided not to marry, and you have decided the reverse...
他觉得可能给他工作我会更开心 ...it was his feeling that perhaps I might feel happier working for him.
我不能再同意了，先生！ And I could not agree with him more, sir!
Charles. Charles.
- Charles，这就是告别的意思，是吗 - 啥？ - Charles. That is a goodbye, no? - What?
- 你在跟他道别，是吧？ - Charles是他的名字！如果我不... - Charles is a goodbye, no? - Is a goodbye, yes! If I don't...
- 你妈妈正在赶来？ - 是的！ - Your mother is coming? - Yes!
哦，上帝啊！ Oh, my God!
木有鸡尾酒。Edna 教我说“木有鸡尾酒。” No cocktail. Edna teach me say "no cocktail."
Charles. Charles.
我会摆脱她的，我保证 I'll get rid of her, I promise you.
你不会喜欢为Tobey工作的。他酗酒！ You won't like working for Tobey. He drinks!
成天醉醺醺的 Dames up there all the time.
他邋遢极了，从不收拾 He's a lumpy.
他在浴室里乱扔湿毛巾 He leaves wet towels lying all around the bathroom!
俺走了！ Arrivederci!
看！ Look!
让自己歇斯底里没有意义，你还好吗？ There's no sense getting hysterical and everything. Are you all right in there?
你. Are you...
好啦，求你啦 Look, please.
嘿！你能... Hello! Will you please...
我只有一件事不能容忍，那就是女人的哭声 If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a woman crying.
我刚刚... I just go all...
你要心相印吗？ You want a Kleenex?
谢谢 Thank you.
不，请看着我，我很抱歉 No, please. Look, I'm sorry.
看着我，我很抱歉 Please. Look. I'm sorry.
抱歉 Sorry.
亲爱的 Darling!
午餐 Lunch.
Brannigan一家人 美国人最喜欢的怕老婆傻瓜的 既有趣又不幸的冒险
Stanley。 我又忘了 Stanley. I again have forget.
戴着白帽子的 The ones with the white hats...
是好蛋还是坏蛋？ ...are they the good guys or the bad guys?
白帽子，好蛋 黑帽子，坏蛋，OK? White hats, good guys. Black hats, bad guys. Okay?
好的，非常感谢 Okay. Thank you very much.
你怎么了小伙子，你看起来糟透了 What's the matter with you, boy? You look just awful.
我感觉身体被掏空，就是这么回事 I'm exhausted, that's what's the matter.
我三周都没睡满两小时 I haven't had two hours sleep in three weeks.
新婚小两口呐~ Newlyweds.
不是这么回事 It isn't that at all.
不全是 Not entirely that.
是那该死的电视。她一整晚都开着 The damned TV. She's got it going all night long.
行行，我信了！ I'll bet!
她确实这么干 She does.
声称这帮她学英语。 Claims it helps her with her English.
哦，真的？ Oh, brother!
靠，你去新东方啊！ Damn!
我的身体机能是微妙又高度复杂的 I'm a delicate and highly complex mechanism...
但我受伤了 ...and I'm being over wound.
受伤了！ Over wound!
可怜的达令！ Poor darling!
工作，压力。紧张加剧 Work, pressure. The tension mounts.
头痛不知不觉来袭 Before you know it, headache strikes.
什么？ What?
他们总是在电视上说这个 They talk always about this on TV.
达令，我有一个三步口诀 Darling, I have a three-way formula.
- 什么? - 怎么说的？ - What? - How they say?
“快，快，快 "Fast, fast, fast...
然后爽了” "...relief."
- 早上好，Ford太太.吃了么也。 - 你吃了么也。 - Good morning, Signora Ford. Ciao. - Ciao.
早上好 Good morning.
- 嘿，Ford太太 - 吃了么也？ - Hi, Mrs. Ford. - Ciao!
有人在家吗？ Anybody home?
Stanley Stanley.
早饭已经好了 The breakfast is almost ready.
我的达令，早上好 My darling, good morning.
你听着，求你啦，我就想要点干吐司和黑咖啡 Look. Please, all I want is some dry toast and black coffee.
我现在182磅了 衣服都穿不下了 I weigh 182 pounds and my clothes don't fit anymore and...
哦真棒 Is very good.
好吃吗？ Is good?
Stanley，看，食品储存室的灯泡坏了 Stanley, look, the light bulb is a goed out in the pantry.
我会找个电工来修 I'll get an electrician to fix.
不用，我这儿有灯泡。等会儿 No. I have light bulbs here. Just a moment.
- 我们为什么不找个电工？ - 不 - Why can't we get an electrician? - No.
听着，他们有个很厉害的工会，我不想... Look, they got a very strong union. I don't want to...
其他的丈夫每天都换灯泡 The other husbands change the light bulbs every day.
这对你有好处，这是动手的工作 Is very good for you. Is work with your hands.
能让你放松 It make you relax.
好吧，行 Okay, all right.
如果你不知道自己在干什么 You can get a shock from electricity...
你会被电到的，我不会被电到的 ...if you don't know what you're doing. I don't.
在我22岁时，我还以为你必须把房间里的 When I was 22, I thought you had to cover all the outlets...
所有插座都封上，才不会漏电 ...in the room, or the electricity would leak out.
封上所有的... Cover up all the...
我能做到，我知道会发生什么，我要把它扭进。。。 I'll do it. I know what'll happen. I'll screw it in...
妈妈咪呀 Mamma mia!
可怜的达令 Poor darling.
- 很有趣。这很有趣 - 非常有趣 - It's funny. It's very funny! - Very funny.
我有个好主意 I have a good idea.
Brannigan一家人第一次邀请别人吃晚饭 The Brannigans have the first guests for dinner.
然后全都乱套了，很有趣。不是吗？ Everything goes wrong. It's funny, no?
我邀请Edna和Harold。我去打给他们 I invite Edna and Harold. I go call them.
很快就好 In a little while.
愣着干嘛？开门！ Well? Open it!
- 嘿！大家好！ - 嘿！ - Hi, everybody! - Hi!
你好，Stan，你好，Ford太太 Hello, Stan. Hello, Mrs. Ford.
很抱歉我们迟到了，但这都是Harold的错，真的 I'm sorry we're late, but it's all Harold's fault, really.
他在我们应该离开的时间前一个小时就打扮好了 He's dressed an hour before we're supposed to leave.
然后在我房间来回走着你，看表 Then he paces in front of my room looking at his watch.
这让我紧张，我能化好妆真是个奇迹 Makes me so nervous, it's a wonder I'm dressed at all.
你看起来不错，小伙子 You're looking mighty good in there, lad.
你喜欢这套衣服吗？我亲自给她选的 Don't you love those pajamas? I picked them out for her myself.
- 哦绿色的啊 - 并且长胖了 - Green. - Putting on a little weight, too.
一定是因为她的厨艺 Must be the home cooking.
这很有必要，你说英语 It is necessary you speak English...
和我 ...with me...
因为 ...because...
我在学习！ ...now learn!
- 你是对的。你完全正确。 - 谢谢 - You're right. You're absolutely right. - Thank you.
你娶了一位宝藏般的女人 你这幸运的家伙 You've married yourself a treasure, you lucky man.
看看变化！ Look at transformation!
- 漂亮吗？ - 我很喜欢 - Is beautiful? - I love it.
我很喜欢 I love it.
我和蒂凡尼商量过了，你们真正的礼物下周准备好 I checked with Tiffany's and your real present will be ready next week.
我在Lord & Taylor's买的这个什么也不是 但也很可爱 This is nothing I bought at Lord & Taylor's, but it's so cute.
- 我们家的吧台也有一个 - 谢谢 - We got one for our bar at home, too. - Thank you.
Stanley，我现在喜欢这个地方了，真的 Stanley, I love the place now, I really do.
它曾经很吸引我，通过另一种方式 It used to be attractive, in a way.
嗯，我过去一直认为它是又冷酷又严峻的 Well, I always thought it was rather cold and austere.
现在它是不可思议的，就是这样 Now, it's just marvelous, that's all.
“男人喝酒很危险”这真滑稽 "Danger. Men drinking." It's very droll.
我还知道它应该摆在哪里！ I know just where it should go, too!
“男人喝酒很危险” 这很可爱，Stan "Danger. Men drinking." It's cute, Stan.
真可爱，让我想起了办公室里的一个伙计 It's pretty cute. Reminds me of a fellow at the office.
他也有个这样的牌子挂在办公室里，上面写着： He has one of them up there that reads:
- “思考或者” - “或者游泳” - "Think or..." - "Or swim."
你怎么知道的 How'd you know?
我要成为一位预知美式幽默的专家 I'm getting to be an expert on prefabricated American humor.
活着真危险 Live dangerously.
对，就是这样 Yeah, that's the way it goes.
看Stanley这么开心真好 It's wonderful to see Stanley so happy.
我不能告诉你我是多么的感激，有人终于钉住了他。 I can't tell you how grateful I am that somebody finally nailed him.
钉住 Nailed.
如果男人自由散漫，没有人是安全的 When one of them is running around loose, nobody's safe.
甚至连老Harold曾经都 Even old Harold used to come home...
喝了三杯回家后大谈自由 ...have three drinks and start talking about his freedom.
“自由” "Freedom."
他们就像孩子，你知道吗？ They're like children, you know?
但我认为 But I think...
他们 ...they are...
很可爱 ...very sweet.
- 可爱？ - 我很喜欢 - Sweet? - I like very much.
他们当然是， 但你看，我们女人是不同的 Of course they are, but you see with us it's different.
一个女人从不曾真正自由直到结婚 A woman is never really free until she is married.
现在她能享受生活中好的东西 她能花钱了 Now she's free to enjoy the good things in life, she can spend money.
你懂，钱 You know, money.
她能出去钓凯子但同时又被丈夫照顾着 Have little affairs and still be taken care of.
这就是为什么男人必须被控制住 That's why men have to be controlled.
对，对！ Right, right!
为了家庭的利益，j-i-a，你懂吗？ For the good of the home, the casa. Understand?
事实上，这只是一个让他们保持平衡的问题，你的明白？ Actually, it's just a matter of keeping them off balance, you know?
来，我给你看点东西 Look, I'll show you something.
这门关上了吗？ The door is closed?
他们听不见我们，我们也听不见他们，对吧？ They can't hear us, and we can't hear them, right?
好的，看着 Okay, watch.
Harold! Harold!
好了，咋了亲爱的？ That's right. Yes, dear?
我听到了! I heard that!
听着啥了？ Heard what, dear?
你很清楚是什么！ You know very well what!
我不知道呀，但如果你想... No, I don't, but if you wanted...
听着，咱们别再外人面前讨论这个 Look, let's not discuss it in front of strangers.
但你... But you were...
我们回家再谈 We'll talk about it when we get home.
你看到了吗？他们一直为不知道什么鬼感到内疚 You see? They're always guilty as hell about something.
好！ Good!
很好！ Very good!
然后他说， “Sam，你不能 So he says, "Sam, you can't...
但我，Sam，我不能这么做 "...but I, Sam, I can do it.
Sam，你明白，你懂...” "Sam, you got, you know..."
这是就最有趣的部分啦！ That's the funny part of it.
Stanley! Stanley!
给我递一下汤好嘛 Bring the soup, please.
但你必须帮忙，因为... But you must have help because...
我知道一个超赞的女人，荷兰人，要价还很高！ I know a marvelous woman. She's Dutch and expensive!
- 很好 - 她要价高，但是 - Good. - She's expensive but...
我们在厨房时你已经喝了另外一杯了 You had another drink when we were in the kitchen.
你知道你的表情很醉人吗？ I can tell by that funny look in your eye.
如果你喝多了后，不喜欢吃她做的饭，那她整天做饭有什么意义？ What's the point of her cooking all day if you're too drunk to enjoy it?
她是对的 She's right.
Harold，你坐这儿 Harold, this is your place.
这儿？ Over there?
他...他...他... He... He... He...
嘿，Bash！真有意思！好一个傻蛋！ Hey, Bash! Very funny! What a boob!
我的老婆很喜欢！ My wife loved it!
你好，我是Ford先生，你能让Harold Lampson先生接电话吗？ Hi, this is Mr. Ford. Would you put Harold, Mr. Lampson, on the phone, please?
啥？ What?
你真这么认为？ You do?
它很可爱？ You think it's cute?
并且很典型？ And it's so typical?
你喜欢它，当我，当他，汤溢出.. You just loved it when I, when he, spilled the...
听着，我能提醒你点什么吗？ Look, could I remind you of something?
你是一个秘书，还是一个非常低效的秘书 You're a secretary, and a very inefficient one!
不止如此，你还是个女人！ Not only that, you're a woman!
因此你的意见对我来说什么都不是！ As such, your opinions mean nothing to me!
现在叫Lampson先生接电话！ Now put Mr. Lampson on the phone!
Harold，是Stan Harold, it's Stan.
得作出点改变了 There's gonna be some changes around here.
我今天上午想召开一个全面会议 I want a full-scale meeting this morning.
你，我，工会的人，会计们，所有人 You, me, the guys from the syndicate, the accountants and everybody.
11点！ 11:00!
什么？不，不在那儿。我恨那个地方！ What? No, not here. I hate here!
我恨你的办公室，去俱乐部！ I hate your office! At the club!
你听到我啦？去俱乐部！ You hear me? At the club!
俱乐部！ Club!
- 你好？ - 嘿，亲爱的 - Hello? - Hi, dear.
听着，我很抱歉吵醒你，但这很紧急 Listen, I'm sorry to wake you, but I think this is an emergency.
什么？ What?
我刚刚给Harold的办公室打电话了，他们告诉我他在开会 I just called Harold's office, and they told me he's in a meeting...
和Stanley在一起，在俱乐部 ...with Stanley at the club.
我还是不明白，俱乐部有什么不对的吗？ I still not see. What is wrong with the club?
当他们在俱乐部的时候，你就不能掌控他们的行踪了 You can't keep track of them when they're in the club.
这就是不对的地方 你甚至不能确定他们在那儿！ That's what's wrong with it. You can't even be sure they're there!
他当然在那儿 我会给他打电话 Of course he is there. I will call him on the telephone.
哦，也对，打吧 给他打，我会告诉你你会得到什么回答 Oh, sure, go ahead. Call him, I'll tell you what you'll get.
你会听到：“我很抱歉 You'll get, "I'm very sorry...
Ford先生现在不能接电话， "...but Mr. Ford cannot be reached at the moment.
他在健身房” "He's in the gymnasium."
健身房 Gymnasium.
他很有可能已经和电影明星一起手拉手出去耍了 He's probably off handholding with some movie starlet.
我觉得我得给他打电话 I think maybe I call him.
现在就打 I think maybe I call him right now.
好运吧 Good luck.
谢谢 Thank you.
再见 Goodbye.
你好？ Hello?
请接Stanley Ford先生 Mr. Stanley Ford, please.
对不起，Ford先生现在不方便接听电话 I'm sorry, I can't reach Mr. Ford just at the moment.
他在健身房 He's in the gymnasium.
非常感谢你 Thank you very much.
我得承认，Stan I'll admit it, Stan.
一开始在办公室里时我们都以为你疯了 At first, down at the shop, we all thought you were crazy.
Bash Brannigan结婚不当特工？ 看起来好像不怎么样 Marry Bash Brannigan off? It just didn't seem right.
- 当然不怎么样，我现在想说的就是这个，这样不对！ - 但是，Stan小子，我错了！ - It wasn't. That's the whole idea. - But, Stan-boy, I was wrong!
我们都错了！ We were all wrong.
现在美国人民已经把Brannigans一家人记在了心里 Sure, America has taken the Brannigans to its heart.
有史以来第一次，女人也开始看连载漫画 For the first time, women are reading the strip.
为什么呢，我妻子现在爱死它了， Why, my wife just loves it now.
今天早上，当他把汤洒出来时？ This morning, when he spilled the soup?
她说这让她想起了我 She says it reminds her of me.
无论如何，Stan小子，事实是我们都错了 Anyway, Stan-boy, the thing is, we were all wrong.
不，你们并没有都错 这是个错误，悲剧般的错误 No, you weren't all wrong. It was a mistake, a tragic mistake.
- 这就是我为什么召开这个会议 - 我还不明白 - That's why I called the meeting. - I still don't understand.
为什么我们在这儿开会？ Why did we have to have the meeting here?
Edna到目前为止肯定已经往办公室给我打了至少15次电话了 Edna must've called me at least 15 times at the office by now.
你知道，Edna不喜欢我去 You see, Edna doesn't like it when I'm someplace...
电话联系不到我的地方 ...where she can't reach me by phone.
这是俱乐部最棒的一点，在这儿她们联系不到我们 That's the beautiful part about the club. They can't reach us here.
这是唯一安全的地方 It's the one place left that's safe.
谢谢你 Thank you.
等一下 Just a moment.
抱歉，女士禁止入内 I'm sorry, but no ladies allowed inside the club.
好吧，谢谢你 Well, thank you.
我很抱歉，我现在联系不到Edwards先生 I'm sorry, I can't reach Mr. Edwards just now.
他在健身房 He's in the gymnasium.
并且，Stan，应该记住的重要一点是 And, Stan, the big thing to remember now is...
Brannigan一家人简直就是为电视而生的，应该做成电视剧！ ...the Brannigans are a natural for TV.
当然，我们现在只需要一个美丽聪明的女孩来扮演妻子 Sure, all we need is some beautiful, intelligent girl to play the wife.
还有一个迟钝低能的傻瓜来扮演Bash And some drooling, feeble-minded idiot to play Bash.
你已经有了8千万基数的观众群 You've got yourself a built-in audience of 80 million.
不仅如此，还有商品 And not only that, but merchandise.
我觉得他们已经想出了一些绝妙的周边 I think they've come up with some sensational tie-ins.
拿着这个 Get this.
Bash Brannigan官方 Official Bash Brannigan...
他和她的原版厨房围裙 ...his-and-hers matching cooking aprons.
“在一起做饭的家庭更紧密” "The family that sautees together, stays together."
我觉得这就是标语 I think that's the slogan.
早上好 Good morning.
坐吧，坐吧！ Sit, sit!
没事，没事 It's all right.
达令！ Darling!
所有这些，白天黑夜，Stan All that, day and night, Stan.
Stanley，亲爱的！ Stanley, darling!
原谅我曾经有过怀疑你的时刻 Forgive me for doubting you even one moment.
Ford先生！ Mr. Ford!
在这所俱乐部成立的123年令人骄傲的历史中 In the 123 proud years of this club's existence...
没有一次 ...not once...
没有任何种类的雌性站在这座房产里 ...has a female of any description set foot on these premises.
我们在俱乐部里是互相了解的群体，Ford先生 We're an understanding bunch here at the club, Mr. Ford.
一个同伴在酒吧里喝太多 A fellow has one too many at the bar...
我们会确保他坐上火车及时回家 ...we see to it that he gets to his train all right.
一个同伴想在下午见见小三 A fellow has a little hokey-pokey going in the afternoon...
他的妻子打来了 ...his wife calls...
我们会说他在健身房 ...we say he's in the gym.
但这个，Ford先生，太过了！ But this, Mr. Ford, is too much!
作为规则委员会的董事长 As Chairman of the Rules Committee...
我建议你省省吧！别在公开听证上出洋相 ...I suggest you spare yourself the embarrassment of an open hearing...
并且立即提交你的辞呈！ ...and submit your resignation at once.
达令，我做了什么坏事了吗？ Darling, I do something bad?
这事儿我忍了，像个迟钝低能的傻瓜一样忍了！ I may take this lying down, like the drooling, feeble-minded idiot that I am.
但Bash Brannigan不会！我保证！ But Bash Brannigan will not! I promise you that!
Charles，她沉浸在爱情中 她绝不会同意离婚的 Charles, she's in love, so she's never going to agree to a divorce.
所以我们只剩一个选择了 So we're left with only one choice.
谋杀！ Murder!
谋杀? Murder?
谋杀 Murder.
我得说，好主意，先生 I say, good show, sir.
毫无疑问地棒 Absolutely bang on!
实际上从今天起六个周后 Exactly six weeks from today...
Brannigan太太就会消失了 Mrs. Brannigan is gone.
Bash就能重新成为秘密特工 Bash can get back to being a secret agent.
怎么了？ What's the matter?
让我消化一下，先生 Let me understand, sir.
你是要谋杀漫画里的Brannigan太太？ It is Mrs. Brannigan you're going to murder in the comic strip?
是的，怎么了？ Yes. Why?
我明白了 I see.
你以为呢？ What is it?
没啥，先生 Nothing, sir.
只有那么一刹那 Only, just for one moment...
一个疯狂的令人愉悦的一刹那 ...one mad, glorious moment...
我认为 ...I thought...
不管怎么说吧，如果Bash Brannigan However, if Bash Brannigan...
能谋杀他的妻子并且逃脱处罚 ...can murder his wife and get away with it...
谁知道呢，先生？ Who knows, sir?
谁知道呢？ Who knows?
小哥 Barman.
请再来杯一样的 The same again, please...
还有，现在，你看看，这杯子冷藏过头了 ...and this time, see that the glasses are decently chilled.
Ford先生，这是西方世界所创造 Mr. Ford, this is the most powerful single...
功能最强大的的信号遥控装置 ...remote-control device created by the Western World.
一个绝佳的镇静剂，Ford先生 An excellent tranquilizer, Mr. Ford.
温柔，起效快，消除紧张，消除过度的压抑 Gentle, fast-acting, eliminates tension, removes excessive inhibitions...
并且几乎完全没有有害的副作用 ...and is almost completely without harmful side effects.
- 几乎没有？ - 几乎没有 - Almost? - Almost.
碱度-双能x线吸收-苯-治疗-软调显影液-萨利敏 Alka-dexa-benza-thera-pota-zallimine...
你的医生叫它 ...as your doctor calls it...
现在，我碰巧是你的医生，我叫它 ...in this case, as I happen to be your doctor, that's what I call it...
只有和酒精结合才会变得危险的东西 ...is dangerous only when taken in conjunction with alcohol.
即使吃过一片后喝了一口酒，也会。。。 Even a sip of alcohol after taking one of these pills and...
也会啥？ And?
- 直接撞墙 - 正如医生们所说的那样 - Right up the wall. - As you doctors call it.
- 然后... - 然后？ - And then... - And then?
啪啪地掉地上 Right down again.
- 谢谢你，Bentley大夫 - 不客气 - Thank you, Dr. Bentley. - You're welcome.
来 Here.
谢谢 Thank you.
Ford太太，我能有幸跟你跳支舞吗 Mrs. Ford, may I have the pleasure of this dance?
当然 Yes.
好的，起作用了 Yup.
- Stanley，我真的很擅长处理这些事 - 我能帮上什么忙吗 - Stanley, I'm really expert at handling... - Can I be of any assistance?
- 别傻了法官大人，你醉了 - 我跟个法官一样清醒 - Don't be silly, Your Honor, you're smashed. - I'm as sober as a judge.
我去年新年帮过Harold I had to do this for Harold last New Year's Eve...
所以我很清楚 ...so I know exactly...
可怜的宝贝！她看起来好苍白！ Poor baby! She looks so pale!
我觉得往她头上泼点冷水会好些，我去煮点咖啡 I think maybe put some cold water on her head and I'll make some coffee.
好的，我很快就叫你 Okay, I'll call you in a few minutes.
- 是的，但 - 再见，Edna - Yes, but... - Bye, Edna.
嘿，Stan，我找它们找了好久 Hi, Stan. I've been looking all over for these.
Ford太太，James小姐 Mrs. Ford, Miss James.
省省吧，你这傻瓜，老醉蝙蝠！ Come on, you silly, drunken old bat!
真完美，她明天什么也不会记得 It's wonderful. She won't remember a thing tomorrow.
实际上我可以想说啥就说啥 I can say anything I want, actually.
省省吧，你这傻瓜，又老又醉，爱管闲事的蝙蝠！ Come on, you silly, drunken, meddlesome old bat!
是的，我说的是“老蝙蝠” 并且我就是这个意思！ Yes, "old bat" is what I said, and "old bat" is what I meant!
你这老蝙蝠！ You old bat!
有人吗？ Hello?
亲爱的？ Dear?
有人在家吗？ Anybody home?
她怎么会消失了呢？ How could she have disappeared?
Stan，妻子可不会像这样突然出现又消失！ Stan, wives don't just suddenly up and disappear like that!
我的意思是，这没这么简单，朋友 What I mean is, it's not that easy, boy.
我是说这真没“这么”简单! I mean, it's not that easy!
你我都知道女人是什么，Ford先生 You and I both know what women are, Mr. Ford.
她们是敏感的小生物 They're sensitive little creatures.
她们是幻想自己被轻蔑的大师，或者叫大师母 They're masters, or should I say mistresses, of the fancied slight.
一些很小，极小的事情不好了， Some little, teeny thing goes wrong, and...
她们就跑去找妈妈 ...off they go, home to mother.
你妻子现在可能就和她妈在一起 And that's probably where your wife is now. With her mother.
那可会是在意大利的某处！ Somewhere in Italy!
谢谢 Thank you.
...这结束了我们对华盛顿的报道 ...which concludes our report from Washington.
轻松滴说，463家报社的读者 In a lighter vein, readers of 463 newspapers...
从邦戈，缅因到火奴鲁鲁，都在问一个问题 ...from Bangor, Maine, to Honolulu are asking this question:
“ Bash Brannigan，美国人最喜欢的连载漫画Brannigans一家人里的英雄 "Will Bash Brannigan, hero of America's favorite comic strip...
真的谋杀了他的妻子?” "...The Brannigans, really murder his wife?"
如果答案是 耶死 这会开启一个潮流吗？ If the answer is yes, is this, then, the beginning of a trend?
Dagwood会谋杀Blondie吗？ Li'l Abner会踹死Daisy Mae? （均为60s漫画人物） Will Dagwood murder Blondie? Will Li'l Abner knock off Daisy Mae?
漫画家Stanley Ford的答案依旧神秘 The answer remains the secret of cartoonist Stanley Ford.
并且Ford太太，据说是Brannigan太太的原型 And Mrs. Ford, said to be the real-life prototype of Mrs. Brannigan...
现已失去联系，无法给出评论 ...is unavailable for comment.
来看天气预报，纽约今晚... On the weather picture, in New York tonight...
发生了什么已经很清楚了 It's perfectly clear what happened.
她看到了谋杀的画 She saw the drawings of the murder...
并且通过典型的白痴的雌性的方式 ...and in a typically idiotic female way...
她把它作为某种个人的侮辱或别的什么，我不知道 ...she took it as some kind of personal insult or something, I don't know.
不管怎么说吧，她。。。 Anyway, to make...
如果咱俩都要转圈，先研究个交通路线好吧 If we're pacing, let's work out a traffic pattern.
你走这边，我走这边，行吧？ You go this way, I'll go that way, all right?
不管怎么说，她带走了她的雨衣，她的泳衣 Anyway, she just picked up her raincoat and her bathing suit...
还有我们的狗！然后走了！ ...and our dog and she left!
好的，我很确定这就是整个事情及如何发生的 Look, I'm sure that's exactly the way it happened.
但我得承认有太多间接证据了 But there is an awful lot of evidence, circumstantial I'll admit...
太多证据了，朋友 ...a lot of evidence, lad.
除非你变出个尸体来否则你不能指控任何人谋杀！ You can't try anybody for murder unless you produce a body!
通常情况下，是这样，但在这个案子里。。 Normally, that would be true, but in this case...
你知道，你，我，还有Edna You see, you and I and Edna...
还有警察 ...and the police...
还有463家报社的8千万读者 ...and 80 million readers of 463 newspapers...
从缅因到火奴鲁鲁，都知道 ...from Maine to Honolulu, know it.
甚至连我的孩子们都知道你谋杀了她 Even my kids all know that you murdered her...
并把她埋在了咕啪咕啪机器的口水里 ...and buried her in the goop from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine!
我的意思是 What I mean is...
我会为你尽我的全力 ...I am going to be doing my very best for you.
但我提前警告你形势不好 But it's only fair to warn you that...
才是对你最公平的 ...it doesn't look good.
形势很不好 It does not look good.
谋杀了他的妻子 Murdered his wife...
残忍又冷血地 ...fiendishly and in cold blood.
但除了这些 But even beyond this...
我要求您考虑一下他的傲慢 ...I ask you to consider the arrogance of the man.
他对他的罪行不满足，还发表在 Not content with his crime, he then proceeded to publish...
463家报社上 ...in 463 newspapers...
从邦戈，缅因到火奴鲁鲁 ...from Bangor, Maine, to Honolulu...
每个谋杀计划中令人震惊的细节都被发表出来 ...each shocking detail of his murder plan.
情况真不好 It doesn't look good.
他从最开始就后悔这桩婚姻 He regretted his marriage from the very beginning...
并尽一切努力，以蠕虫的方式摆脱它 ...and made every effort to worm his way out of it.
我反对，法官大人！ I object, Your Honor!
Harold，我告诉过多少次在我讲话时不要打断我 Harold, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me when I'm talking?
但是，亲爱的，你说过你... But, dear, you said you...
闭嘴！你知道他杀了她！ Shut up! You know he killed her!
但是，亲爱的! But, dear!
我再告诉你点别的事，Harold Lampson And let me tell you something else, Harold Lampson.
如果你再继续为一个众所周知的谋杀犯辩护， 那你某天早上醒来 If you go on defending known murderers, you're going to wake up one morning...
就会发现你被取消律师资格了！ ...and find yourself disbarred!
使用这种药是出于你的意见？这个... And it is your opinion that this drug...
“碱度-双能x线吸收-苯-治疗-软调显影液-萨利敏” 你的医生也这么叫它 "Alka-dexa-benza-thera-pota-zallimine," as your doctor calls it.
在这个案子里，当然，我碰巧不是你的医生 In this case, of course, as I don't happen to be your doctor...
你可以直接叫它“混球” ...you can just call them "goof balls."
谢谢 Thank you.
不管怎么说，医生， 这个“混球” Anyway, Doctor, it is your opinion that these "goof balls..."
在某种条件下会变得极端危险，是你的意见吧？ ...can, under certain conditions, be extremely dangerous?
只有和酒精结合才有害，其他情况， 无害，完全无害 Only if taken in conjunction with alcohol. Otherwise, harmless, absolutely harmless.
你哈大了，你笑了几声 You get a little high, you have a few laughs...
不时喊两嗓子... ...an occasional burst into song...
您能明明白白地描述这些东西的效果吗 Would you be good enough to describe the effect of these things...
当他们混着酒一起服用时？ ...when taken with alcohol?
当然 Certainly.
直接撞房顶 Right up the wall.
然后 Then...
啪啪地往下掉 ...right down again.
Burbank先生，你声称 And you contend, Mr. Burbank...
Ford先生只是在为漫画实地演练？ ...that Mr. Ford was simply conducting a dry run?
仅仅是为了试验他漫画里的谋杀计划？ Merely testing a murder plan for his comic strip?
一点没错，先生！ Precisely, sir!
你知道，Ford先生永远不会要求Bash Brannigan You see, Mr. Ford would never ask Bash Brannigan...
做他没有亲自做过的事情。 ...to do anything that he hadn't already done himself.
包括谋杀他的妻子？ Including murder his wife?
额... Well...
Burbank先生，发生在你身上的事 Has it occurred to you, Mr. Burbank...
会不会只是Ford先生故意希望你认为这只是演练？ ...that Mr. Ford perhaps wanted you to think it was only a dry run?
天太黑了，不是吗？ The night was dark, was it not?
是的，先生，但你... Yes, sir, but you...
并且你自己也承认，你观察并拍摄了整个过程 And by your own admission, you observed and photographed the entire operation...
从一家酒店的窗户，这有一个街区那么远吧？ ...from a hotel window no closer than a block away?
有点，先生，但... Quite, sir, but...
然后，回想下你所看到的，是Ford太太 Then for all you know, it was Mrs. Ford's body...
的尸体，被埋在湿水泥里吗？ ...he buried in the wet cement?
我得说... I say...
你没... You don't...
你不是真的认为... You don't actually mean...
但当然了！你绝对是对的！ But of course! You're absolutely right!
我以前真傻，没有看透他！ What a silly ninny I was not to have seen through him before!
当然是他干的！ Of course he did it!
恭喜，先生！ Congratulations, sir!
完美!太完美了！ Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
你知道你让我完全上当了吗？ Do you know you had me completely fooled?
连我都认为那是个模型！ I thought it was a dummy! Even I!
这让我显得有点傻，是不是？先生？ That makes me a bit of a dummy, doesn't it, sir?
我无法向你表达我有多高兴 I can't tell you how happy I am.
我会通知Rawlins先生，我下周早些时候就搬回咱们家 I'll give Mr. Rawlins my notice and take up residence early next week.
检方休息 The prosecution rests.
我不认为还有机会... I don't think there's one chance in ten...
他们一定会把你送上电椅了 ...that they'll actually send you to the chair.
啊，或许吧 Well, maybe one.
但我个人觉得将会是某个地方20年或终生监禁... But, personally, I think it'll be somewhere between, say, 20 years and life...
仔细想想还不是太坏 ...which isn't so terribly bad when you come right down to think of it.
我是说，你一直都喜欢简单的食物 I mean, you always liked simple food...
还有规范，有序的生活 ...and a regulated, well-ordered life.
并且从我的观点来看 And looking at it from my point of view...
如果我帮你辩护成功了 ...if I had gotten you off...
Edna就不会仅仅是发发火了 ...Edna would've been just furious.
她几个月都不会跟我说话 She wouldn't have spoken to me for a couple of months.
你知道当她进入一种情绪后，她会把我的生活变成绝对的活生生的地狱 You know how she is when she gets into a mood. She makes my life an absolute, living hell.
不开玩笑，Stan No kidding, Stan.
明天输掉这个案子 或许对你来说有点艰难 Losing this case tomorrow may be a little tough on you.
但它是最近几年在我家发生的最好的事情之一 But it's one of the best things that's happened to my home life in years.
全体注意 Hear ye, hear ye.
普通法院现在开庭 The Court of General Sessions is now in session.
如果法庭允许，我能传唤... If it please the Court, may I call...
法官大人，从这一刻开始 Your Honor, from this point forward...
我想开除我的律师，并自己为我自己辩护 ...I would like to dispense with counsel and conduct my own defense.
我第一位也是唯一一位证人 For my first and only witness...
我想传唤我的朋友，前律师Harold Lampson ...I would like to call my friend先生 and former attorney, Mr. Harold Lampson.
你一定在... You must be...
先生们，能靠近法官席吗？ Will you approach the bench, gentlemen?
嘿，等等！Stan，你... Hey, wait a minute! Stan, you...
现在，让我捋一捋，Ford先生 Now, let me understand this, Mr. Ford.
你想当你自己的律师 You wish to be your own counsel...
并且传唤你的前律师作为证人来辩护？ ...and call him as a witness for the defense?
是的，法官大人 I do, Your Honor.
我真的不知道说什么好了 I really don't know what to say.
“这不和规矩但他可以这么干。” 行不？ How about, "This is most irregular, but he may take the stand"?
谢谢 Thank you.
这极其不和规矩但他可以这么干 This is most irregular, but he may take the stand.
现在，等一下，Stan Now, wait a minute, Stan.
这太荒唐了！ This is ridiculous!
你甚至不知道怎么样去... You don't even know how to conduct a...
我可以只让你被判20年监禁， I could have got you off from 20 years to life.
但你现在干的只能把你往电椅上送！ But this way you're gonna wind up in the electric chair!
请举起你的右手 Raise your right hand, please.
你愿意宣誓说出事实真相,全部真相,只说真相吗？这样上帝才会帮助你. Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but truth, so help you God?
- 我愿意 - 请坐 - I do. - Be seated.
请告诉我们你的全名 State your full name, please.
- Harold Lampson. - 你结婚了吗，Harold? - Harold Lampson. - Are you married, Harold?
你知道的很清楚，我已经.. You know damn well that I've been...
是的 Yes.
- 你结婚多少年了？ - 我算算啊 - How many years you been married? - Let's see.
Harold 二世十岁了 Hal Jr. Is 10.
那时我们住在西大街11号 We were living on West 11th Street at the time.
所以我们差不多结了...大概有... So that would make it in the neighborhood of...
十一年了！你个傻逼！ Eleven years, you idiot!
十一个愉悦的完美的年头 Eleven glorious, wonderful years.
是的 That's right.
十一个愉悦的完美的年头 Eleven glorious, wonderful years.
法官大人，我没有看出... Your Honor, I fail to see what...
我只想确立证人的资格 I'm merely trying to establish the witness's qualifications.
什么样的证人？ As what?
一个典型的已婚的幸福的美国男性 As a typical example of a happily married, American male.
这就是你，不是吗？ 一个幸福的已婚美国男性？ That's what you are, isn't it? A happily married, American male?
是的，我认为我是 Yes, I suppose so.
Stan，听着，你正在搞砸所有的事 Stan, look, you're doing this all wrong.
- 你有两个可爱的孩子？ - 是的 - You have two lovely children? - Yes.
一所在Scarsdale的房子， 一辆新型的旅行车，还有条大丹犬，是吧？ A house in Scarsdale, a late-model station wagon, a Great Dane, right?
是，都对 Yes, that's right.
这样的话，我确定他具备证人资格了 Therefore, I submit that the witness is eminently qualified.
现在，我要问你个问题 Now, I'm going to ask you a question.
我希望你仔细地考虑 I want you to think it over very carefully...
然后尽可能诚实地回答我，好吗？ ...and then answer me as honestly as you possibly can, okay?
好 Yeah.
- 你相信婚姻吗？ - 啥？ - Do you believe in marriage? - What?
你相信婚姻是一种人类社会的习俗吗？ 你相信吗？ Do you believe in marriage as an institution? Do you believe in it?
妈的，是，当然，我当然相信！ Hell, yes, sure, of course I believe in it!
这是什么鬼问题啊？ What kind of a question is that anyway?
但在一个要上电椅的人看来， From where I sit, which you said may well be an electric chair...
我得说这个问题很重要 ...it's rather a central one, I'd say.
现在，让我用一个稍微不同寻常的方式把这个问题解释给你听 However, let me put it to you a slightly different way.
让我们假设这样一个时刻 Let us assume for a moment...
我刚才画的这个点是一个按钮 ...that this dot I have just drawn is a button.
一个按钮？ A button?
一个按钮 A button.
好吧，是个按钮 All right, it's a button.
让我们进一步假设，如果你按下这个按钮 Let's further assume that if you were to push that button...
你的妻子Edna，和你结婚度过十一个完美年头的妻子 wife, Edna, to whom you've been married for 11 wonderful years...
会突然神奇般地消失 ...would suddenly and magically disappear.
- 消失？ - 是的，说消逝也行 - Disappear? - Yes, as in vanish.
不在这里 Not be here.
不再存在 No longer exist.
我反对！ I object!
反对无效！ Overruled!
对，反对无效！ That's right, overruled!
你能闭嘴吗？事情现在开始变得有趣了 And will you please shut up? This is beginning to get interesting.
谢谢您，法官大人 Thank you, Your Honor.
让我再补充两点重要的事情 Let me add two important things.
她的消失将是完全无害的 Her disappearance would be completely harmless.
但更重要的，没有人，我重复一遍 没有人 But what's more important, no one, repeat, no one...
会知道是你按下按钮 ...would ever know that it was you who pushed that button.
- 没人会知道？ - 没人会知道 - No one would ever know? - No one would ever know.
你多大了？ How old are you?
52 52.
我才不信，你看着不超过四十！ I don't believe it! You don't look over 40.
只要你减减肥，坐直了，你绝对看起来不超过40 You wouldn't look over 40 if you lost weight, sat up straight.
这就对了 好了，在你生活的最精彩的时期 There you are. Here you are, in the prime of life...
一个帅气的，事业有成的男人 ...a handsome man, successful in business...
被一个和所有人崇拜 ...adored by one and all.
事实上，你的生活可以说是美满的，除了一件事 In fact, it could be said that you had it made, except for one thing.
- 我是个令人讨厌的律师？ - 不，是你结婚了 - I'm a lousy lawyer? - No, you're married.
呃，但是结婚是生活的一种正常的方式！ Yeah, but being married is the normal way to live!
- 不是吗？ - 谁说的？ - Isn't it? - Who says so?
Edna Edna.
我认为你被洗脑了！ I think you've been brainwashed!
你没说到一个重要的点！ You're missing a very important point!
婚姻不是大自然的基本实在！只是一个发明！ Marriage is not a basic fact of nature! It's an invention!
它就像内野高飞球规则 It's like the infield fly rule.
它之所以存在只是因为女人们这么说 It exists only because the women say so...
然后我们就像傻子一样追随着 ...and like idiots, we just go following right along.
不，Stan No, Stan.
没有Edna我都不知道自己能干什么 I don't know what I would do without Edna.
她... She...
她管饭 She plans the meals...
送我的衣服去洗衣店 ...sends my shirts to the laundry...
你正在犯另一个基本的，常见的，男性错误 You're making another basic, common, masculine mistake...
混淆了爱和洗衣店这两个词 - 爱和... ...confusing love and laundry. - Love and...
让我告诉你吧 多年来，一个好绅士 Let me tell you something. For years now, a very nice gentleman...
带着我永远无法理解的原因 ...who operates, for reasons I'll never understand...
像“芮妮夫人”一样，每个周一拿走我的脏衣服 ...as "Madame Renee," has picked up my shirts every Monday...
然后在周二干净整洁地送回来 ...and returned them, beautifully done, on Thursday.
并且这么多年我从未有过一点娶他的念头 And not once, in all those years, have I felt the slightest urge to marry him.
你每年赚多少钱？ How much money do you make?
每年$70,000 - $80,000 之间 Between $70,000 and $80,000 a year.
这么多钱你给自己花多少？ How much of that $70,000 or $80,000 do you get to spend on yourself?
哦，这个啊，你懂，当然，有Edna和孩子 On that, you know, of course, with Edna and the kids...
还有房子的租金 ...and the payments on the house in Scarsdale...
然后...当然... And then of course...
我还保了很多险... ...I do carry a lot of life insurance.
嗯，我理解 Yeah, I understand.
现在，稍微停一下 Now, stop for one moment...
现在想想生活会变成什么样，如果... ...and think what life could be like right now, if...
陪审团的男人们，这同样关系到你们 Men of the jury, this concerns you, too.
现在停下手中的事，想想你的生活会变成什么样 Stop and think what your life could be like right now...
如果你曾有明智不娶Josephine ...if you'd had the common sense not to marry Josephine...
或者Hilda或者Mary或者Peggy或者Rochelle ...or Hilda or Mary or Peggy or Rochelle.
或者Edna? Or Edna?
想想现在你能用那些钱干什么 Think what you could be doing with all that money right now.
好耶 Yeah.
或许都能有个小克里斯游艇了 Could have a little Chris-Craft maybe.
摆脱Scarsdale街的那所房子，那个坏透的吸钱的黑洞 Get rid of that broken-down, money-pit of a house in Scarsdale.
很简单，Harold 你只要按下按钮就行了 It's very easy, Harold. All you've got to do is poke the button.
- 我能留希特勒式小胡子吗？ - 想留就留 - Could I grow a mustache? - Of course.
- 末端打打蜡让它翘起来？ - 谁管你啊？ - Put wax on the ends? - Who could stop you?
- 我没结婚前曾这样干过 - 我记得，那时的你把胡子弄得可潇洒了 - I used to wear one before I was married. - I remember. You cut quite a dashing figure.
- 你真这么认为？ - 绝对的，按下按钮 - You really think so? - Absolutely. Push the button.
左边总是有点稀 It was always a little sparse on the left side.
一个好的理发师能修得让你永远也察觉不到 A good barber could trim it so you'd never notice.
你还不按按钮？ Why don't you push the button?
我以前总是请不起真正棒的理发师 I never could afford a really good barber then.
但你现在行了 But you could now.
但我现在行了 But I could now.
你上次想想小姑娘思思春是哪一年的事了？ When's the last time you started thinking about girls?
- 小姑娘？ - 想想一个全是姑娘的世界 - Girls? - Think of a whole world full of girls.
想想一个靠姑娘脉动的世界 Just think on that, a world pulsating with girls.
嫩模？ Models?
- 女明星？ - 你懂 - Actresses? - You know it.
我的保险师的新秘书 My insurance man's new secretary...
高的，瘦的，娇小的，丰满的。。。 Tall girls, thin girls, small girls, round girls...
招贴画美女 Pinup girls.
他们已经不做招贴画而是卷中折叠页女郎了 但你已经懂我的意思了 （折叠页女郎：花花公子杂志每期中间会有一张折叠起来，可以拉长至三四页长度的大裸女照） They don't pin up anymore, they fold out, but you're getting the idea.
代替Scarsdale街的房子，那个坏透的吸钱黑洞的是 Instead of that broken-down money pit of a house in Scarsdale...
一栋完全属于你的城市联栋房 ...you get a townhouse all to yourself.
- 带管家？ - 按按钮 - With a butler? - Push the button.
- 像Charles？ - 按按钮 - Like Charles? - Push the button.
我回家时会有一杯冷藏的爽爽的马提尼？ To have the martini glasses chilling when I come home?
当然了 That's right, exactly.
跟我来，你只需要按下按钮即可 Come with me. All you have to do is push the button.
按下去，她消失 Push, and she disappears.
没有人会知道，Harold Nobody will ever know, Harold.
轻轻按一下，她就消失了 Just one little push and she's gone.
只要按下去 Just push the button.
没有人会知道？ No one will ever know?
Harold! Harold!
如果你认为我把你的生活变成了活生生的地狱 If you think I've made your life a living hell...
那是你还没学会“折磨”的意思！ ...you haven't begun to learn the meaning of the word "suffer"!
闭嘴，老蝙蝠！ Shut up, you old bat!
我按下去你又不会觉得疼！ Besides, you won't feel a thing!
我自由了！我做到了！ I'm free! I did it!
Harold! Harold!
我做到了！ I did it!
所有人安静 Quiet, everybody.
冷静下来 Just calm down.
法警，最好把这个女人拖走 Bailiffs, better remove this woman here.
好主意！把她扔出去！我是说，拖出去 Good idea! Throw her out! I mean, remove her.
Harold! Harold!
你什么时候回家吃晚饭？ What time will you be home for dinner?
我什么时候想回家就回家 I'll be home whatever time it pleases me to be home.
当然，我可能会在俱乐部停下 Of course, I may stop off at the club...
喝几杯 ...to have a couple of quickies on the way.
就是这样，女人，滚吧 That's all, woman, you may go.
快把她带出去，有必要就把她塞进关酒鬼的一夜房里 Just take her out, put her in the tank if necessary.
好的，你继续 All right, then.
先生们 Gentlemen.
我向你们讲话，面对的不是法官和陪审团 I address you not as judge and jury...
而是美国男性同伴 ...but as a fellow American male.
你们刚刚看到的Harold Lampson在他的幻想中犯下的罪行 The crime that you have just seen Harold Lampson commit in his imagination...
我却在现实中因此被控告 ...I have been accused of committing in reality.
美国男人允许自己 Too long has the American man...
被女性给欺负，溺爱， ...allowed himself to be bullied...
被她们用母爱拴住，欺压， ...coddled and mothered and tyrannized...
被她们弄得觉得自己是个低能傻瓜的日子 ...and made to feel like a feeble-minded idiot...
已经过的太久了！ ...by the female of the species!
今天，你们意识到自己手中的力量了吗？ Do you realize the power that you have in your hand here today?
如果一个男人，仅仅一个男人 If one man, just one man...
就能把他的妻子塞进咕啪咕啪机器的口水里 ...can stick his wife in the goop from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine...
然后摆脱了妻子还无罪释放，兄弟，我们都能做到！ ...and get away with it, boy, we got it made!
我们都能做到！我们所有人！ We have got it made, all of us!
绅士们，是我干的 Gentlemen, I did it.
我杀了她 I killed her.
我杀了我的妻子！ I murdered my wife!
检方律师对我的每一项指控都是真的 Every single charge the district attorney has leveled against me is true.
确实，我 Indeed, I did slip her a mickey.
我冷血地把她喂进咕啪咕啪机器的 I cold-bloodedly then fed her into a tomb of goop...
口水坟墓 ...from the gloppitta-gloppitta machine.
但我要求你们判我无罪！ I ask you to acquit me!
因我正当杀人判我无罪！ Acquit me on the grounds of justifiable homicide!
不是为了我的缘故 And not for my sake.
是为了你们 For yours.
如果我们放他走，就可以把我的老妻吓死了 If we do let him off, it'll scare the hell out of old Shirley.
我可以搭一个货船周游世界 I could go around the world on a tramp steamer.
我能买辆摩托车 I could buy a motorcycle.
陪审团的绅士们，您们达成一致了吗？ Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
无罪！ Not guilty!
来吧 There you are.
恭喜你，先生 Congratulations, sir.
马上就会再次回到旧时光了 It's gonna be just like old times again.
Charles，我希望你不会沮丧 Charles, I hope you don't get upset.
我得向你坦白 I have a confession to make.
我没杀她 I didn't do it.
你没杀，先生？ You didn't do it, sir?
如果你没杀她，她在哪儿？ If you didn't murder her, where is she now?
我不知道 I don't know.
我不知道，可能和她的母亲在意大利吧 Probably with her mother in Italy. I don't know.
但是，先生。。。 But, sir...
这意味着有一天她可能会回来 ...that means that some fine day, she may come back here again.
我希望如此 I hope so.
没关系 It doesn't matter.
没关系！ It doesn't matter!
先生，根据美国法律，你不会被同一个罪名起诉两次！ Sir, under American law, you cannot be tried for the same crime twice!
他们已经宣判你对她的谋杀罪名不成立了 They've already acquitted you of her murder.
所以如果她回来了，你可以合法地杀了她！ So if she did come back, you could quite legally kill her again!
就像狩猎季开始了 从瞄准镜里窥视她 It would be open season. Just one peep out of her and...
然后在她两眼之间开一枪！ Right between the eyes!
能再次回家太好了 It's so good to be home again.
几天之内我就能让这所房子回归正常 I'll have the whole place back to normal in a matter of days.
再见了，浮夸大台灯 Goodbye, big gunky lamps.
再会，五颜六色大花布 Farewell, gay little chintzes.
我还会把您的身材重新塑成160磅 And I'll have you tipping the scale at 160 pounds...
用不了几天 ...in no time.
她在这儿 She's in there.
额滴神啊，先生，她在这儿！ Good God, sir, she's in there!
来吧，先生，您的机会来了 Here you are, sir. Here's your chance.
进去终结了她 Go on in there and finish her off.
我想如果他能容忍她的话，我也能。 I suppose if he can put up with her, I can.
5@y3