字幕调校：L@CMCT
我叫艾米 米切尔 是个妈妈 I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom.
我20岁就有了第一个孩子 I had my first kid when I was 20 years old,
从此以后就干什么都迟到了 and I've been running late ever since.
我的日常就是送孩子们上学 My days are filled with dropping the kids at school...
爱你 Love you.
然后赶去公司开会 Then racing to work where I have meeting,
再开会 再开会 after meeting, after meeting.
午饭我通常就在办公桌前对付一口 I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk,
我还争取每周去锻炼一次 and I try to work out once a week.
为什么我跳个尊巴舞都这么衰 Why do I suck at Zumba?
通常 我要急忙赶回学校接孩子下表演班 Most days, I race back to school for the kids' plays,
诗歌阅读班 和课外辅导班 and poetry readings and class projects...
妈 Mom!
我还是总迟到 抱歉 Which I'm always late for. Sorry.
接下来还得去家长委员会开会 And then there's PTA meetings,
当志愿者 班主任约谈会 and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences.
天哪 威金斯小姐怎么这么烦我 Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me.
我每天至少有一次 觉得自己是世界上最糟糕的妈妈 At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world,
于是我就坐在车里哭 and I cry in my car.
哭完了还得送孩子去练钢琴 踢足球 Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games
学舞蹈 看医生 and dance classes and doctors' appointments,
最后我还得每天去采购一趟 before my daily trip to the grocery store.
啊 Ugh.
这妞就像在说自己一切都搞得定 This chick seems like she's got it all figured out.
可我却觉得自己总是把一切都搞砸 But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time.
可是 我还是好爱当妈妈 Still, I love being a mom.
拿着 宝贝 这是你的有机便当三文治 Here, baby. There's your organic turkey club sandwich,
狄伦 这是给你午餐吃的不带花生的花生酱 and Dylan, here's your peanut-free peanut butter for lunch.
什么是不带花生的花生酱 What's peanut-free peanut butter?
我也不知道 I have no idea.
宝贝 这是我给你写的美国历史作业 Baby, here's your American history project I made you.
希望你喜欢 I hope you like it.
我爱你 我也爱你 I love you. I love you!
哦 天哪妈妈 别这么大声 Oh, my God, Mom! Not so loud!
我好爱我的孩子们 I love my babies so much!
可他们好烦我哦 God, they hate me.
嘿 艾米 Hey, Amy!
嘿 你们好 Hey, guys.
天哪 我真不知道你怎么做到的 God, I just don't know how you do it.
就这么把孩子扔给学校一整天 You just leave your kids all day
然后自己上班去 and go to work?
你好坚强哦 You're so strong.
是哈 谢谢 Yeah, thank you.
你就不 想他们吗 Don't you miss them?
想啊 但我也得去 赚钱啊什么的 I do. But I also need, like, money.
- 是啊 - 嗯 - Right. - Hmm.
哦 不好 几位抱歉 我得走了 Oh, gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry. I gotta go.
我上班真要迟到了 I'm really late to work.
这个嘛 反正你干什么都迟到 Well, you're always late.
我知道 这基本上是我这些日子以来 I know. It's basically the only thing
唯一擅长的事了 I'm good at these days.
晚点见啦 See you guys later.
天哪 我就喜欢看她拼命的样子 God, I just love how hard she works.
天哪 我爱她拼命工作的样子 Oh, my God, I love how hard she works.
我居然说出来了 维姬 I just fuckin' said that, Vicky.
我在一家特前卫的咖啡公司上班 I work at a super-hip coffee company.
我爱自己的工作 I love my job,
但我32岁了 是这里最老的员工 but I'm 32 years old and I'm the oldest person here by far.
其他人大多都整天玩乒乓球 Most of these dudes just play ping-pong all day.
早啊 老妈 Morning, Momma.
早 泰萨 Morning, Tessa.
我的妈呀 昨儿晚上喝懵了都 好想死 Oh, my God, I am so fucking hungover, I might actually die.
这话你可不该跟你老板说 That's probably something you shouldn't tell your boss.
哦 Oh.
对哈 不过我今天早上吃了一大堆药片 Right. Except that I took like a shitload of pills this morning,
所以都不知道自己在哪了 so I don't totally know where I am yet.
你在上班 小泰 You're at work, Tess.
哦是吗 好的 Oh, perfect. Yeah.
我能请个假吗 我想去古巴 May I have a vacation? I'd like to go to Cuba.
你能批吗 不 Is that allowed? No.
早上好 Good morning.
嘿 老板 Hey, boss!
早上好 戴尔 Good morning, Dale.
我昨晚做了个梦 I had a dream last night.
哦 梦见自己光着身子在一间宾馆里 Ooh. I was naked in a hotel.
我是说全都光着哦 丁丁 蛋蛋 I'm talking fully naked, dick, balls...
好好 知道了 Yep, got it.
也没戴眼镜 什么都没穿 全他妈裸诶 No glasses. Everything, fully fucking naked.
我们明白了 We got it.
我朝着咖啡师走去 I walk over to the coffee maker
看见房间里有一包咱们公司的咖啡 and there is a bag of our coffee in the hotel room.
好梦啊 戴尔 Cool dream, Dale.
谢谢 泰萨 Thank you, Tessa.
嗯 Um...
你是在暗示说 ls this your way of saying that
你想在宾馆里推广我们的咖啡吗 you wanna start selling your coffee to hotels, now?
不 我是在暗示说我想让你 No. This is my way of saying that I want you
在宾馆里推广我们的咖啡 to start selling our coffee to hotels now.
可是戴尔 我已经在管超市这一块了 But Dale, I'm already running sales for supermarkets,
还有航空公司和餐厅的 airlines and restaurants.
我是说 我只是兼职啊 I mean, I'm just part-time.
是吗 什么时候开始的 You are? Since when?
六年前 Six years ago!
什么 不会吧 What? No way.
她不是天天都来上班吗 She's here like every day.
我知道 可我还有自己的家人要照顾啊 所以 Oh, I know, but I have a family and stuff, so...
嘿 你知道我有多重视家庭的 Hey! You know how important family is to me.
看我都把它写在胳膊上了 I got it wrote on my arm right there.
哇哦 Oh, wow.
是喷涂的 对吧 好棒哦 It's dope, right? So tight.
哦该死 我要去滑旱冰 你们来吗 Oh, shit! I gotta go roller skating. Do you wanna come?
- 好啊 - 不 戴尔 - Yes! - No, Dale!
我有好多工作呢 I have lots of work to do.
历史频道说的没错 The History Channel was right.
你们这代人是最棒哒 You guys are the greatest generation.
我住在芝加哥郊区 家里有两个孩子 I live just outside of Chicago with my two kids,
一条狗和我丈夫 迈克 my dog and my husband, Mike.
他是一名成功的抵押经纪人 He's a successful mortgage broker,
但有时候我觉得他像我的三儿子 but sometimes he feels like my third child.
嘿 宝宝 嘿 哇哦 Hey, babe. Hey... Oh!
看你拎了多少东西啊 好好笑哦 Look at all the bags you're carrying. That's hilarious.
夏尔巴人 -------- 西藏的一个种族 以负重攀登珠峰闻名
像个夏尔巴人 You look like a Sherpa.
哦 Oh!
各位 感谢耐心久候 You guys. Thank you for being super patient.
我十分感激 I appreciate it.
开动吧 大家 Here We go, guys.
谢了 亲爱的 Thanks, honey.
不客气 吾爱 今天工作怎么样 All right, love. How was work?
哦 我参加了两个电话会议 然后打了个盹 Oh, I had two conference calls and then I took a nap.
累死我了 It was exhausting.
辛苦 辛苦 呃 I bet. I bet. Uh...
狄伦 宝贝 你的科学测验怎么样 Dylan, baby, how was your science quiz?
哦 我得了个D Oh, I got a D.
D 可是我们明明好努力的 A D? But we worked so hard.
宝贝 这是怎么了 Baby, what happened?
你需要额外帮助吗 我们给你再请个家长好不好 Do you need extra help? Should we get you another tutor?
呃 不了 我不用 Mmm, nah, I'm good.
迈克 Mike?
你听见没 狄伦的科学测验得了个D Did you hear? Dylan got a D on his science quiz.
不错啊 小子 Way to go, bud.
什么 好吧 What? Okay.
呃 Um...
简 哦天哪 等等 你的足球测试怎么样了 Jane! Oh, my gosh! Wait! How was your soccer tryouts?
教练说 今晚9点公布队员名单 Coach is posting a list of who made the team tonight at 9:00,
我好紧张 and I'm so nervous.
宝贝 没事的 放轻松 你肯定能进的 我保证 Baby, it's okay, relax. You will make the soccer team, I promise.
别慌 Just don't freak out.
我好慌 我也是 I'm freakin' out. I am, too.
几点了 8点59 What time is it now? 8:59.
快点啊 Come on!
哦 9点了 9点了 快 快点刷新 Oh, it's 9:00! It's 9:00. Go, go, go! Hit refresh.
- 哦我的天 我进球队了 - 我进球队了 - Oh, my God. I made the team. - I made the team!
天哪 可算松口气 Oh, my God. I am so relieved.
谢谢 哦天哪 Thank you. Oh, my God.
宝贝 我好为你骄傲 Baby, I'm so proud of you!
哦 我好兴奋啊 天哪天哪 Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, my God.
这下我的大学申请上 可有好看的一笔啦 This is gonna look so awesome on my college applications.
宝贝 太好了 太好了 Baby, it's great, it's great,
不过记住 你只有12岁 所以 but just remember you're only 12, so it's...
等等 Wait.
要是我不能上场踢球怎么办 What if I don't play?
要是我只能当个替补队员呢 What if I'm a loser benchwarmer scrub?
你很棒的 肯定没事 你 You're great, you're gonna be fine, you're...
才不会没事呢 妈妈 No! It's not fine, Mom.
你知道现在要考常青藤 Do you understand how hard it is
是有多难吗 to get into an Ivy League school now?
他们都不要亚洲人 I mean, they turn away Asians.
这有点种族歧视吧 不过 That's a little racist, but...
哦天哪 我得去练练脚功 Oh, my God! I need to practice my footwork.
你为什么让我吃甜点啊 Why'd you let me eat dessert?
我知道了 就因为你恨我 Oh, I know, because you hate me!
我勒个去 Holy shit.
嘿 宝贝 很晚了 我要睡了 Hey, babe. It's late. I'm going to bed.
不 No.
我的天 你是在 Oh, my God, are you...
不 不 不 我只是在检查我的前列腺 No, no, no, I was just checking my prostate.
你知道吗 我一直想知道你到底喜欢哪种情调 You know, I've always wondered what kind of porn you like.
这破窗口怎么他妈关不上啊 Why won't this fucking window close?
我的天哪 这阴毛好重 Oh, my God, that's a giant bush!
呃 你谁啊 Uh, who the hell are you?
我是他老婆 I'm his wife.
我去 Oh, shit.
你是在跟别的骚货视频裸聊吗 Are you masturbating online with some chick?
不 不是 No, no!
好啊 那你是在做什么 Well, then, what are you doing?
呃 那个 我就点到了然后 Uh, um... I was clicking and then I... .
然后我就 So then I was...
好吧 是的 我是在跟女的视频打飞机 Yes, okay, I was masturbating online with some chick.
卧槽啊 你为什么要这么干 What the fuck! Why are you doing that?
等会儿 我觉得我没做错什么 Hold on a second. I don't think I've done anything wrong.
现在这个很流行的 This is totally mainstream now.
嗨 我是莎伦 Hi, I'm Sharon.
我不知道 我不知道 迈克 I don't know, I don't know, Mike.
这已经算是出轨了 This really feels like cheating.
不 不不不 这绝对不是出轨 亲爱的 No, no, no, no, no, this is definitely not cheating, honey.
我从没碰过她 I've never even touched her.
她那浓密的阴毛离我有2000英里呢 Her giant bush is 2, 000 miles away.
你们视频多久了 But how long have you been doing this?
呃 我也不知道 没多久吧 Oh, I don't know. Not long.
到下周五就十个月啦 Ten months next Friday.
你还说 What the fuck?
十个月 Ten months?
你喜欢她吗 Do you have feelings for her?
要是没有产生感情 You don't masturbate online with someone for 10 months
我不可能跟个陌生人在网上打10个月的飞机 without developing some feelings.
我是说 我又不是什么变态 I mean, I'm not a monster.
你是不是喜欢她 迈克 Do you have feelings for her, Mike?
是 行了吧 我喜欢她 天哪 Yes! Okay? I have feelings for her! God!
她真的是个特别出色的女人 She's actually a pretty amazing woman.
你知道吗 她自己开了个乳牛场 You know, she runs her own dairy farm,
还研发了一块手机应用 she's developing an app.
滚出去 什么 Get out! What?
滚出我家 Get the fuck out of my house.
你真没劲 So uncool.
你知道吗 艾米 我只是觉得 You know, Amy, I just feel like
迈克最近过得很不好 Mike is feeling really trapped right now...
好啦 爸爸有个差事要出城 Okay, so your dad had to go outta town on a business trip,
所以今天我得一个人应付一切了 so I'm gonna try to do everything myself today,
我能行的 which should be fine,
只要大家都不出岔子 as long as everybody does what they are supposed to do.
对吧 Right?
哦不 Oh, no.
罗斯科怎么走路那样 Why is Roscoe walking like that?
他没事 绝对没事 He's fine. He's totally fine.
哦不 伙计 On, no, buddy!
身材不错啊 杰夫 Lookin' good, Jeff.
哦 Oh.
谢谢 是啊 你最近有健身吗 Thanks. Yeah, you been workin' out?
没有啊 我都10年没锻炼了 No, not for like 10 years.
你米黄色的防风衣简直照亮了我的底盘 Your beige Windbreaker is really lightin' up my board.
哦 呃 谢了 Oh, uh, thanks.
你知道底盘是什么意思吗 就是我的阴道 Do you know what I mean? My vagina.
拜 杰夫 Bye. Jeff!
今晚家长委员会召开紧急会议 请互相转告 Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.
哦天哪 Oh, God.
那个有点儿古怪的全职主妇妈妈来了 There goes that little weird stay-at-home mom.
今晚家长委员会召开紧急会议 请互相转告 Emergency PTA meeting tonight. Tell all your friends.
哦 我没有朋友可以转告 Oh, I don't have any friends.
我都是一个人在家的 Oh. I'm pretty isolated at home.
我有四个孩子呢 I have four kids.
好的 挺好 请让一让 谢谢 Okay, good. Please move along. Thank you.
今晚家长委员会召开紧急会议 Emergency PTA meeting tonight.
不过谢谢你们邀请我 Thank you for inviting me.
哦 上帝啊 她把她那股忧伤的气息都传染给我了 Oh, my God. She just got all her sadness all over me.
哦 快看 Oh, shit!
火辣鳏夫来啦 Here comes the hot widower.
嘿 杰西 嘿 各位 Hey, Jessie. Hey, guys.
- 嗨 - 嗨 - Hi. - Hi.
背包真可爱 Cute backpack you got there.
哦 是啊 我是冰雪奇缘粉 Oh, yeah. Uh, I'm such an Elsa.
好好笑哦 真是的 You're hilarious! You really are!
天哪 他好性感 God, he's so fucking hot.
- 给你 - 我知道 - Here you go. - I know.
我好高兴他老婆死了 I'm so glad his wife died.
你知道吗 我昨天看见他 You know what? I saw him
两秒钟就把一个宠物车座安上了 install a car seat yesterday in two seconds.
跟你们说 就这样 两下 完成 I'm tellin' you, it was like boom, boom, click.
太辣了 哦天哪 It was so hot. Oh, gosh.
你知道吗 我都乐意让他插我的菊花 You know what? I think I'd let him put it in my butt.
照理说 我是不太喜欢肛交的 I mean, in theory, I'm not really into the butt thing,
但我都乐意让他一贯到底 but I would let him go to town back there.
我同意你 家长委员会紧急会议 I'm with you. Emergency PTA meeting.
好了 我只有四分钟的时间把罗斯科送到医生那 Okay, I got four minutes to get Roscoe to the vet,
好了爱你们 赶紧下车 下车下车 so I love you kids, get out, get out, get out, get out.
我好爱你们 也好抱歉 I love you so much. I'm so sorry.
拜 妈妈 Bye, Mom.
嗷 哦天哪 嗷 Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!
操啊 太烫了 你能摇下 Fuck, it's so hot! Can you roll down...
你能摇下车窗吗 好的 好的好的 Can you roll down the window? Okay. Okay, okay.
嘿 嘿 亲爱的 听着 Hey. Hey, babe, listen.
今天5点钟有家长委员会的紧急会议 There is a emergency PTA meeting today at 5:00.
大约会持续两到三小时 It should be about two to three hours.
好的 挺好的 听到了吗 Awesome. Awesome. Okay?
你的狗戴着头盔诶 是的 我知道 Your dog's wearing a helmet. Okay, I know.
是的，那是 谢谢 Yes, it's... Thank you.
好吧 Okay.
操啊 Fuck!
你的狗得了眩晕症 没什么大事 Your dog has vertigo. That can't be a thing.
不过你要抱着他回家 And you are gonna have to carry him until he gets home.
你他妈想耍我吗 Are you shitting me right now?
我不耍人 I don't shit.
不过他可能会 在接下来的36小时内随时可能 But he will, uncontrollably, for the next 36 hours.
我来了 我来了 艾米来了 I'm here. I'm here. Amy's here.
你错过开会了 哥们 You missed the meeting, bro.
哦不 Oh, no.
操操操操操 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
我知道 我知道 对不起我来晚了 I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm late.
上车 上车上车 Get in, get in, get in.
我无法相信第一次足球训练就要迟到 I can't believe I'm gonna be late to my first soccer practice.
宝贝 我已经尽力了 Baby, I'm doing the best that I can.
是啊 这就更悲哀了 Yeah, that's what makes it even sadder.
哦天哪 Oh, God.
嘿 狄伦 亲爱的 今天过得怎么样 Hey, Dylan. Hey, honey. How was your day?
我又吞了个笔帽 I swallowed a pen cap again.
妈呀 Oh, God.
哦 Ooh!
糟糕 Crap.
你是肇事逃逸了吗 Was that a hit-and-run?
没 Nope.
没 没有的事 Nope. That was nothing.
简 快去 快快 Jane, go! Go, go, go, go!
打扰一下 教练 Excuse me, Coach?
我真抱歉简来晚了 这完完全全是我的错 I'm so sorry that Jane is late. It is all my fault.
你看起来一团糟 今天过得不好 You look wrecked. You having a bad day?
哦 天哪 我简直不能更 Oh, God, it literally could not get any...
啊 Ah!
我去 Shit.
嘿 Hey...
嘿 各位 各位 嗯 Hi, guys! Guys, um...
要是有人还不认得我的话 For those of you who have been living under a rock...
我是格温多琳 詹姆斯 I am Gwendolyn James.
是家长委员会的会长 I am the president of the PTA,
不过我最重要的身份 but most importantly,
还是一个骄傲的妈咪 拥有两个可爱的女儿 I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters,
布莱尔和甘蒂 Blaire and Gandhi.
今天 我召开了这次紧急会议 Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting
是为了一件 to address an issue that
对孩子的安全有重大影响的事 radically affects the safety of our children.
糕点义卖 The bake sale.
逗我呢吧 Is this a joke?
现在 这里是一份有害材料的清单 Now, this is a list of the toxic ingredients
这些材料都是义卖糕点里绝对不准许出现的 that are absolutely banned from the bake sale.
不许加双酚A 味精 水杨酸 抗氧化剂 No BPA, no MSG, no BHA, no BHT.
还有酱油 芝麻 当然还有坚果 Plus no soy, no sesame, and, of course, no nuts
鸡蛋 牛奶 黄油 盐 糖 小麦 or eggs or milk or butter or salt or sugar or wheat.
好了 Okay?
对不起 那我们准许用什么材料呢 Sorry, what ingredients can we use?
而且 我会请来一队 谢谢 Anyway, I will be putting together... Thank you.
为糕点义卖特聘的警力 A special bake sale police force
负责监管食品 that will monitor the food.
他们会销毁任何违规食品 That will destroy any offensive treats
并且起诉带来违规食品的家长 and prosecute the wrongdoers.
没从 Yes.
那么 谁愿意来做我的第一个志愿者 So who will be my first volunteer
成为糕点义卖的警力人员呢 for the bake sale police force?
我觉得艾米 米切尔就不错 I think we're gonna have Amy Mitchell!
啥 What?
谁让你来晚了呢 亲爱的 That's what you get for being late, sweetie.
不 No.
你说什么 What's that now?
我这一天过得太不容易了 I've had a really long day.
我被刮伤 被咖啡烫 I have been bruised and burned,
被撞到不省人事 knocked unconscious.
我毁了我女儿的足球训练 I screwed up my daughter's first day at soccer
还得亲手在我儿子拉的屎里找个笔帽 and I hand-searched my son's poo for a pen cap
我家狗还得了眩晕症 and my poor dog has vertigo.
我是说 谁能知道这些到底是不是真的发生了呢 I mean, who knew that that was even a real thing, you guys?
上帝啊 我要被工作淹死了 God, I'm drowning at work
我的老板还是个死白痴 and my boss is a fucking moron
还有 and...
三个小时前我可能还犯了罪 Three hours ago I may or may not
因为我开车肇事逃逸了 have committed a felony hit-and-run.
我真的再也撑不下去了 I can't do this anymore.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我不干了 I'm done.
我退出 I quit.
嘿想喝什么 苏格兰威士忌 Hey, what can I get ya? Oh, Scotch.
哦嘿 我认识你 Oh, hey, I know you.
你就是那个经常帮我接孩子的妹子 You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school
我老是忘记或者不想接 when I forget/don't want to.
艾米 米切尔 嗯 我叫卡拉 卡拉 东克勒 Amy Mitchell. Yeah, Carla. Carla Dunkler.
妈呀 你怎么像被轮了似的 Jesus, you look like a bag of dicks.
- 谢谢 - 嗨 - Thanks. - Hi.
真抱歉打扰你们 但是 我必须要告诉你 I'm really sorry to interrupt, but, um, I just have to tell you,
你刚才做的酷毙了 what you did back there was amazing.
谢了 Thank you.
你是琪琪 对吧 It's Kiki, right?
没错 Yes.
她知道我叫什么 She knows my name.
感觉跟碧昂斯 诺里斯一样出名 I feel like Beyonce Knowles.
不如坐下跟我们喝一杯吧 Why don't you sit down and have a drink with us?
"我们"是什么意思 亲 我明明只是自己坐在这里 What do you mean "Us"? Honey, I was just sitting here by myself.
我很愿意 但是 抱歉 I would love to, but I can't.
我得去一趟杂货店 I have to go to the grocery store
然后还得回家清理我儿子的仓鼠笼子 and then I have to go home and clean out my son's hamster cage,
因为我每次忘记清理他就抓狂 'cause he gets so mad when I forget.
喝一杯 琪琪 好吧 Have a drink, Kiki. Okay, yeah.
好吧 给我来一杯苹果汁 Okay. Yes, I'd like an apple juice.
不如试试这个 Why don't you have this instead?
不好意思 Excuse me?
哦 你知道我为人母亲的终极幻想是什么吗 Oh, do you know what my favorite mom fantasy is?
是什么 What? Uh-oh.
能自己一个人安安静静地吃个早饭 Having a quiet breakfast by myself.
我的天 太对了 Oh! That is so hot! Oh!
听上去真是不错啊 Sounds glorious. Oh.
有时候我一个人开车的时候 Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself,
我会想象自己出了车祸 I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash.
不是那种又着火又爆炸的大事故 Not a big one with fire and explosions,
就是那种不太严重的车祸 but just like a little one.
但是我确实受了伤 But I do get injured
然后我就可以住个两星期的医院 and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks
我就能成天睡觉 吃着果冻看电视看到吐 and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV
而且所有的费用都有保险担着 and it's all covered by my insurance.
我的孩子们会带着气球来看我 护士会用乳霜按摩我的脚 My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet,
天啊 这生活 没谁了 and oh, my God, it's so amazing.
你们也会幻想这种事情吗 Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?
才不会 No. No.
你真是病的不轻 我看也是 You're bat-shit crazy. Yeah.
我永远也不会跟你坐一辆车了 And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.
做个单身母亲有意思吗 Is it fun being a single mom?
太有趣了 Yes!
姐可以去逛赌场 对啊 I go to the casino. Yeah.
而且姐现在还在学空手道 You know, I'm learning karate now.
而且 只要姐想爽了 Plus, I have, like, a stable of hot dudes to call right up
姐现在就能叫来一屋子猛男 whenever I want some D in my V.
我也想做单身妈妈啊 这小日子真浪 I wanna be a single mom. No, it's fuckin' awesome.
总而言之 Bottom line is,
任何时候我都是为这1/4英里比赛而活 I have to live my life one quarter mile at a time.
- 这句话是从 - 对 就是《速度与激情》 - Is that from... - Yeah. The Fast and Furious.
范迪塞尔在城里拍《速激6》的时候 姐还跟他搞过呢 I fucked Vin Diesel when he was in town doing Furious 6-
你和范迪塞尔上床 是啊 You fucked Vin Diesel? Yeah.
那个猛男 范迪塞尔 Vincent Diesel?
可能不是真的范迪塞尔 It might not have been actually Vin Diesel,
不过姐绝对上过光头男 but I definitely fucked a bald guy.
干杯 干杯 Salud. Salud.
为了范迪塞尔干杯 Yep. To Vincent Diesel.
我的个妈啊 Oh, my God. Jesus.
琪琪 你振作点 我的天 Kiki, get your shit together. Oh, my God.
知道我讨厌什么吗 说说看 Do you know what I hate? Mmm?
现在到处都是他妈的规矩 There are so many fuckin' rules now.
就是啊 天啊 Yes, God.
别罚你家孩子 别拒绝你家孩子 "Don't punish your kids. " "Don't say no to your kids. "
是啊 去看你家孩子的球赛 Yeah. "Go to your kid's baseball games. "
告诉孩子们你有多爱他们 "Tell your kids you love 'em. "
别跟孩子学校的门卫搞 "Don't fuck the janitor at your kid's school. "
这他妈都是什么啊 俄罗斯吗 I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?
为了做个完美妈妈 咱们一直在扼杀自己 We're killing ourselves, trying to be perfect,
都快疯了 and it's making us insane.
在这个年代 做个好妈妈太难了 In this day and age, it's impossible to be a good mom.
去他妈的 就是 Screw it. Yeah.
咱们就做个坏妈妈 Let's be bad moms.
哦 我可得加入 对吧 Oh, I'm in. Right?
天啊 好刺激 我也要 Oh, my gosh, okay. This is exciting. I'm in!
对啊 坏妈妈万岁 Yes! To bad moms. Whoo! To bad moms!
啊 Aw.
太爱你们了 I love you guys. Mmm.
我们爱你啊 琪琪 Oh, dude. We love you, Kiki.
- 虽说我们才见面 - 永远都爱 - We just met, Kiki. - Forever.
我永远爱你们 我不太喜欢这种 I love you forever. I'm not into this kind of...
哦天啊 亲 我们得把你送回家啊 Oh, gosh, honey, we gotta go get you home.
得走了 走吧 We gotta go. Yeah, let's go.
我们得走了 不 不走回家 我得去超市 We gotta go. No, I can't. I have to go to the supermarket.
那咱们就去超市 Let's go to the supermarket!
我的天 Oh, my God.
- 你超可爱 - 惹人爱 - You're so cute. - Adorable.
简直想一口吃了她的小脸 Oh, I wanna eat her face.
嘿 小可爱 Hi, bunny.
行了 快走 All right, let's go!
她在哪 Where is she?
啊 宝贝儿们 亮瞎我了 Oh, it's so bright, you guys.
你还好吗 Are you okay?
我好的很呢 Yeah, I'm awesome.
你昨晚干嘛了 What did you do last night?
没干什么啊 Nothin'.
但是我们可能得再找家超市了 But we may need to find a new supermarket.
我的天 我昨晚做玉米片了 Oh, my God. I made nachos last night!
哦 Oh.
真好吃 Amazing.
嗯 Mmm.
这奶酪真够硬的 The cheese is so hard.
嗯 Um...
你不给我们做早餐吗 Aren't you gonna make us breakfast?
哦 Oh.
老娘今天不做饭 No.
那我们吃什么 But what are we gonna eat?
你们这么聪明 You guys are really smart.
可以自己做早饭 You can make your own breakfast.
我有这些薯片就够了 I'm just gonna take these to go.
和平 Peace!
好 上车 All right, get in the car.
等等 我想了想 You know what? On second thought,
我们今天开爸爸的跑车去上学 let's take your daddy's special car today.
- 爸爸不会疯吧 - 当然 - Won't Dad be mad? - Yeah.
可能吧 Probably.
呼 Whoo!
简直太棒了 That was so awesome!
好了 All right.
她开的是什么车 What is she driving?
在学校过得开心 Have a great day at school!
噢 等等 你们的午饭 Oh, wait, wait, wait! Your lunch!
- 谢谢老妈 - 你是世界上最好的妈妈 - Thanks, Mom. - You're the best mom ever!
爱你们 孩子们 Aw, I love you, guys!
那是Arby's三明治吗 Is that Arby's?
我爱他们热腾腾的金枪鱼三明治 I love their hot fish sandwich.
嘿 艾米 你好 Hey, Amy. Hi.
今天家庭教师委员会两点的时候有个会要开 Hey, we're having a PTA meeting today
讨论马上要开始的选举事宜 to discuss the upcoming election at 2:00.
你来吗 Will we see you there?
不 No.
噢 Oh.
那婊子是在玩火 That bitch is playing a dangerous game.
艾米踢足球吗 Amy plays football?
我的老天 Oh, my God.
噢 谢谢 Oh, thank you.
太棒了 Amazing!
噢 我是艾米 Oh, this is Amy.
艾米 你在哪儿 早会一小时前就开始了 Amy, where are you? The morning huddle started an hour ago.
噢 是啊 戴尔 我不去了 Oh, yeah, Dale, I'm not going to that.
那简直就是在浪费时间 It's a total waste of time.
你还好吧 艾米 Are you feeling okay, Amy?
你是不是老年痴呆了 Are you having a senior moment?
其实我现在感觉前所未有的好 I've actually never felt better.
我正在平和地享受一份早餐 手边还读着一份报纸 I'm having a quiet breakfast and reading the newspaper
12年来我第一次有这样的机会 for the first time in 12 years.
你现在马上给我到办公室来 You need to come into the office right now!
不 我才不要 戴尔 No, I don't. I don't, Dale.
我一周只给你工作三天 I only work for you three days a week.
如果你想让我加班 你要付我加班费 If you want me to work more, then you should pay me to do that.
好吧 艾米 当着办公室这么多人的面 Okay, Amy, you're kind of making me look like a dick
你现在搞得我看起来像个混蛋 in front of everybody in the office right now.
开会愉快 再见了 戴尔 Have a great meeting! Goodbye, Dale.
- 你好 - 嘿 琪琪 我是艾米 - Hello? - Hey, Kiki. It's Amy.
你好呀 Hi!
我打电话是想问问 Um, I was actually calling to see,
你今天能不能和我一起看电影 uh, if you'd like to join me at the movies today.
我们可以那样吗 Are we allowed to do that?
为什么不行 Well, I don't see why not.
我不行 我是说 我得给肯特熨内衣 I can't. I mean, I have to iron Kent's underwear.
什么 为什么 What? Why?
我不知道 他喜欢很平整的内裤 I don't know. He likes really stiff underwear.
拜托 琪琪 你得有点你自己的时间 Come on, Kiki, live a little.
呃 好吧 好吧 我会去的 Uh... Okay. Okay, okay. I'll do it.
太棒了 我会给卡拉打电话的 Awesome. Okay, I'll call Carla.
好呀 我喜欢她 Oh, fun! I like her.
当然我也很怕她 I'm also very scared of her.
好的 Okay.
哎哟 Ow! Ow!
- 哟 - 嘿 我是艾米 - Yo! - Hey, it's Amy.
我打电话来问问你 愿不愿意今天下午 Um, I'm calling to see if you'd like to join
和我和琪琪一起去看电影 Kiki and I at the movies this afternoon.
我已经在看了 I'm already here.
嘿 女士 Hey, lady.
- 把电话挂了 - 你知道吗 - Get off your phone. - Guess what?
她最后死了 She dies in the end.
癌症害死了她 Yeah, cancer gets her.
什么 What?
你们这俩小婊砸想看什么电影 Yeah, what do you bitches wanna see?
爱比宇宙 Love is stronger
强大得多 than space.
伙计们 福利要来了 You guys, lady boners over here.
干杯 女士们 Cheers, ladies. Mmm.
嗯 Mmm.
这真的太有意思了 This has been so much fun.
谢谢你们 和我一起出来玩 Thank you, girls, for coming out with me.
你在开玩笑吗 Are you kidding me?
这简直是我人生中最美好的一天 This has literally been the best day of my entire life.
噢 亲爱的 Oh, honey.
我的孩子归我前夫管 所以我可以玩通宵… My ex is picking up the kid, so I can go all night if...
嘿 你听到了吗 Oh. Hey, did you hear that?
我的孩子归我前夫管 My ex has my kid.
嘿 亲爱的 我有个问题要问你 Hey, hon, I've got a question for you.
和前夫一起抚养孩子是不是很困难 Is it hard to share your son with your ex-husband?
- 困难个屁 - 没有吗 - Fuck no. - No?
你见过我的孩子吗 他大概有九英尺高 Have you seen my kid? He's like nine feet tall
他唯一关心的事情就是他的棒球 and all he cares about is baseball.
他所有的比赛你都去了吗 Do you go to all of his games?
不 我没有 No. No, I don't.
我上次去看他比赛 看了六个小时 The last game I went to was six hours long
最后比分一比二 and the final score was one to two.
所以我宁愿去阿富汗 So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan
也不要去看孩子们的棒球比赛 than another kids' baseball game.
干杯 Cheers.
你觉得你离婚对你的孩子影响有多大 How do you think that your divorce affected your kid?
你家里情况怎么样啊 艾米 How are things in your home, Amy?
噢 挺好的呀 一切都很好 Oh, it's fine. Everything's fine.
啊 Ugh.
迈克出轨了 和一个女的在网上裸聊 被我当场抓到 I caught Mike having an affair online with a woman,
我猜这段婚外情可能持续十个月了 and I guess it's been going on for like 10 months.
噢 你没拿根钉子往他脑袋上拍吗 Oh! Did you drive a spike through his nuts?
不 事情是这样的 No. Here's the truth.
我们结婚这么多年了 Our marriage has been over for years.
我都不记得我们上次做爱是什么时候了 I don't even remember the last time we had sex.
肯特和我每周五放完《警察世家》后都会做爱 Kent and I have sex every Friday night after Blue Bloods-
我觉得汤姆 赛立克工作的样子太色情了 I find Tom Selleck's work to be extremely erotic.
我感觉你嘴巴里说出的 I feel like everything that
所有东西都像是在求救 comes out of your mouth is a cry for help.
琪琪 你真是太奇怪了 Kiki, you're so weird.
不 等等 No, wait,
你干嘛要和这种脑残结婚 why did you marry this shithead in the first place?
听起来他就是个混蛋 He sounds like an asshole.
因为我们很年轻 我们相爱了 Because we were young and in love.
我是说 他以前没这么混蛋 我敢保证 I mean, he wasn't always an asshole. I promise you.
是真的 听着 我怀孕了 然后我们结婚了 It's true. Listen, I got pregnant, we got married.
我那时才20岁 I was only 20.
你知道吗 我和迈克从来没享受过20岁的生活 You know what? Mike and I never got our twenties.
就像 你懂得 那种活力四射 充满乐趣的20岁 Like, you know, the fun twenties, and...
我感觉他可能错过了 I feel like maybe he missed that.
噢 我的天 Oh, my God.
也许我也错过了 Maybe I did, too.
我20岁的时候 我就在街上走着 When I was in my twenties, I would just walk down the street
感觉满街都是坚挺欲滴的帅屌 and it would just be raining dicks wherever I went.
就是各种帅屌 帅屌 帅屌 帅屌 It was just dick, dick, dick, dick,
帅屌 帅屌 帅屌 帅屌 都是帅屌 dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
就好像 高能预警 前方一大波帅屌来袭 It was, like, forecast, lot of cock!
琪琪 Kiki?
嗨 肯特 嗨 Hi. Kent, hi.
你在这干什么 What are you doing here?
我只是在和我的新朋友们一起吃饭 I'm just having lunch with my new friends.
- 谁在看孩子 - 罗西 - Who's watching the kids? - Rosie.
那不是你应该做的事吗 Isn't that your job?
哇 你他妈是谁 Whoa! Who the fuck are you?
是的 是的 肯特 Yes. Yes, Kent.
那肯定是我的事 我正好准备走了 所以 It absolutely is my job, and I was just about to leave, so,
很谢谢你们 um, thank you guys so much.
我现在 算不来账了 I can't, uh, do the math right now.
你们就拿着这些吧 祝你们今天玩得开心 Just take that and have a wonderful day, you guys.
我真的很尽兴 谢谢你们 I really enjoyed it. Thank you.
噢 我天 Oh, my...
很高兴认识你 艾克 特纳 Nice to meet you, Ike Turner!
真的太扫兴了 That's really disturbing.
是啊 Yes!
但是从另一方面说 她留下太多钱了 But on the plus side, she left way too much cash,
所以我他妈要嗨起来了 so I think I'm gonna get fucked up!
是甜甜圈 Yeah, donut holes!
我就喜欢这种东西 多少钱 I love these things. How much are they?
嗯… Um...
五分钱 Five cents.
一块怎么样 How about a dollar?
什么 What?
大手笔啊 Hey now, big spender.
谢谢 Thank you.
嗯 Mmm.
- 怎么这么好吃 - 六号焦糖 - Why are these so good? - Caramel number six.
就是用这个做的 Is that what it is? Mmm-hmm.
真好吃 They're tasty.
- 她长得很可爱 - 谢谢 - She's adorable. - Thank you.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
很高兴认识你 Good to see you.
再见 Bye-Bye.
噢 天呐 天呐 天呐 看看这里有什么 Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my. What do we have here?
这些是现成的甜甜圈吗 艾米 Are these store-bought donut holes, Amy?
什么 才不是 What? No.
才不是呢 我自己做的 Gosh, no, I made them by hand
然后我把它们放进奇奇怪怪的塑料盒子里 and then I put them in the weird plastic container.
噢 谢天谢地 因为我们 Oh, thank God. 'Cause we do not
不让带现成的甜甜圈 allow store-bought holes.
- 你是认真的吗 维姬 - 噢 拜托 格温多琳 - Seriously, Vicky? - Oh, come on, Gwendolyn.
谁在乎大家带了什么啊 Who cares what food people bring
只要能募集就行了 是吧 as long as it raises money, right?
- 噢 她刚刚是不是… - 是的 - Oh, did she just... - Oh. She did.
给她点颜色瞧瞧 格温 Hit her with it, G.
好吧 你要知道 我在乎 亲爱的 Well, you see, I care, sweetie.
我不知道你最近发生了什么 I don't... I don't know what's been going on with you,
我是说 你这突如其来的爆发 I mean, with your weird outbursts
还有你糟糕的造型 and your terrible style,
但是现在可以停了 but it ends now.
好吗 我管这间学校 Okay? I run this school,
没人可以上课 或者踢球 and no one takes a class or kicks a ball
或者吹个什么狗屁黑管 只要我说不 or plays a fuckin' clarinet without my say-so.
而且我可以让你活得生不如死 And I can make life a living hell for you
你那脏兮兮的孩子们也是 and your dirty little children.
听明白了没有 Do you understand me?
噢 格温多琳 我真的 Wow, Gwendolyn, I genuinely
希望你放轻松 think you should just relax a little bit,
我是说 吃个甜甜圈吧 很好吃的 I mean, have a donut hole. They're delicious.
我从加油站买来的 它们… They're from a gas station. They're... Mmm.
你已经越界了 小姑娘 You have crossed the line, little girl.
我不会让你好过的 And I am going to destroy you.
凛冬将至 Winter is coming.
格温多琳 Gwendolyn.
哦我的天 你完蛋了 Oh, my God. You are so fucked.
什么 What...
- 再见 - 再见 - Bye. - Bye.
让开 Out of my way!
对不起 格温多琳 I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.
你是不是很喜欢中文课 You psyched for Mandarin class?
不 不 No! No.
中文课压力很大 Mandarin class is so stressful.
所有人全程都在呕吐 Everyone just barfs the whole time.
- 你刚刚是不是说了"呕吐" - 是的 - Did you say "Barfs"? - Yeah.
哦我的天 Oh, my God.
什么… Wha...
我们干嘛要这样 Why are we doing this?
你在干什么 中文课在反方向 What are you doing? Mandarin class is back that way!
我知道 I know.
但是我们今天要逃课 But we're gonna play hooky today.
这里太贵了 我们负担不起的 We cannot afford this place.
别担心 我有计划 Don't worry. I've got a plan.
- 嘘 进来 你们这些蠢货 - 我们是溜进来的 - Shh. Get in here, you idiots. - We totally snuck in.
- 我知道 嘘 - 我真不敢相信你是有工作的人 - I know! Shh. - I can't believe you have a real job.
你很幸运 贝基 我是不会让我孩子有这种待遇的 You're a lucky girl, Becky. I would never do this for my kid.
是啊 我妈很酷吧 Yeah. My mom's pretty cool.
还有 我叫简 Also, my name's Jane.
好的 Okay.
好 淋浴在左边 玩的开心 朋友们 All right. Showers on the left. Have fun, guys.
- 拜拜 贝基 - 谢了 卡拉 - Bye, Becky! Shh. - Thanks, Carol.
这个地方太棒了 This place is fancy. Gosh.
哦 看 免费香皂 Oh, look. Free soap.
别 亲爱的 别拿那个 No, honey, don't take that.
哦不 那是好香皂 拿走 拿走 Oh, no, that's some good soap. Take it, take it.
这浴缸就是你兄弟用它洗完澡后的样子 This is what the tub looks like after your brother takes a bath.
你看着像功夫熊猫 You look like Kung Fu Panda.
太棒了 This is amazing.
嗯哼 Mmm-hmm.
我们稍后可以做个纹身 We should get matching tattoos after this.
我真的很开心咱们做这些事 妈妈 I'm really glad we did this, Mom.
我还没感受过如此的轻松 从来没有 I haven't felt this relaxed in, like, ever.
老天 你喘口气 远离学业和足球 还有 God, you needed a break from school and soccer and...
你爸的那些破事 This whole Dad thing.
什么我爸的事 What whole Dad thing?
没事 没事 Nothing. Nothing!
爸爸脑子长瘤了吗 Does Dad have a brain tumor?
什么 哪有 没没没没 What? No! No, no, no, no.
老天 没有 额 God, no. Um...
你爸爸和我现在在经历一段困难时期 Your dad and I are going through a rough patch right now.
你俩是要离婚吗 Are you guys gonna get divorced?
什么 不不不 What? No, no, no.
不 我们现在还没想离婚 No. We're not getting divorced right away.
我只是想让你知道 不管发生了什么 I just want you to know that no matter what happens,
那都不是你的错 it's not your fault.
凭什么会是我的错 Why would it be my fault?
你为什么这么说 Why would you even say that?
我不知道 I don't know!
哦 我的天 宝贝 我错了 我太差劲了 Oh, my God, baby, I'm so sorry! I suck at this!
我不想当怪胎 知道吗 I just don't wanna be weird, okay?
宝贝 求你别哭了 拜托 别别别别别 Baby, please don't cry. Please... No, no, no, no, no.
亲爱的 我需要你看着我 就看着我 好吗 Honey, I need you to look at me, just look at me, okay?
宝贝 宝贝 Baby, baby... .
我要你知道你爸爸是爱你的 I need you to know that your dad loves you.
我也爱你 That I love you.
我向你保证 你会没事的 And I promise you, you will be fine.
你怎么知道 How do you know?
因为我是你妈 Because I'm your mom,
我知道你被任何人都棒 and I know you better than anyone,
我知道你的天赋 and I know what you're made of.
哦 亲爱的 Oh, honey.
我爱你 I love you.
我也爱你 I love you, too.
嘿 教练 Hey, Coach?
教练 Coach!
操 Fuck!
- 嗨 格温多琳 - 最近怎么样啊 - Hi, Gwendolyn. - Hi, how are you?
听着 我想跟你聊聊关于 Listen, um, I wanna talk to you about
下周比赛首选队员阵容的问题 the starting lineup of next week's game. Mmm-hmm.
尤其是 艾米·米切尔的女儿 简 In particular, Amy Mitchell's daughter, Jane.
你知道 我不能跟你讨论具体的队员的 You know I can't discuss specific players with you.
你也知道我是负责员工任免委员会的 对吗 And you know that I chair the hiring and firing committee, right?
所以我们别他妈兜圈子了 开门见山吧 So let's stop clicking around and let's get to the fucking point.
请你别辞退我 格温多琳 Please don't get me fired, Gwendolyn.
我的猫刚死 My cat just died. Oh.
我现在真的很脆弱 And I'm really very fragile right now.
给小呆子降为替补 Bench the little dork.
好 她没戏了 Yeah, she's fuckin' gone.
我需要这样 现在轮到我了 你懂我们什么意思吗 I need this. This is my time. Do you know what I mean?
- 去找卡拉 - 嘿 是艾米 - Go for Carla. - Hey, it's Amy,
我刚刚发现迈克跟他的女网友在一起了 I just found out Mike is staying with his Internet girlfriend.
哦 操他妈的 我们也要让你找一个 Oh, fuck him! We need to get you laid.
我要找男人 I wanna get laid.
我这就出发 I'm on my way.
我好激动惹 I'm so excited.
亲爱的 我不知道 你想穿什么 Honey, I don't know, what are you gonna wear?
跟个修女的衣柜似的 It's like a nun's closet.
不不 等下 我来 No, no, wait. I got it, I got it.
看看这个 Let's see this!
这是我最喜欢的 It's my favorite.
我喜欢 I love it.
不不 你是要约炮还是被领养 No! No! Are you trying to get laid or adopted?
有道理 Oh. Fair point.
哦 Ooh.
好吧 Okay.
单身女人穿这件就彻底被埋没了 That's what a lonely person gets buried in.
去你妈的 那我什么衣服都没有 Fuck, you guys, I literally have nothing, then.
我有妈妈装 有工作装 I have mom clothes, I have work clothes.
好吧 我们到里面再找一遍 Okay, you know, let me get in there one more time.
我要找出来 让开 让开 让我进去 I'm gonna find it. Move. Move. Move, move, get me in here.
我还有夹克 有很多 我们会找到的 I have jackets, I have lots of 'em. We'll find it.
我们能找到的 亲爱的 别气馁 We'll find something, honey. Don't get discouraged.
好的 好的 你能行 Okay. Okay. You can do this.
我说 我的老天爷啊 I mean, Jesus Christ!
这是窈窕奶爸才穿的衣服吧 This is something that Mrs. Doubtfire would wear.
我喜欢那部电影 I love that movie.
我也是 Me too. Okay.
真是部好电影 It's such a good film.
等一下 我发现了件细吊带的 Wait a minute, I see a spaghetti strap.
不 等一下 这件好像是 No, hold on. This was, like,
我在大学期间的万圣节骚裙 my slutty Halloween costume from college.
我喜欢那个"骚"字 穿上 I like the word "Slutty. " Put it on.
就试试嘛 穿上 Just try it. Try it.
你们真是搞笑 我告诉你们 You guys are ridiculous. I'm telling you...
真他妈的 瞧你这老土胸罩 Holy fuck! Look at your mom bra! Ooh.
好大的表面积 There's so much surface area.
你这老土胸罩的料子都够做三个正常的胸罩了 You can make three regular bras out of this one mom bra.
这不是老土胸罩 这是我的情趣胸罩 This isn't my mom bra. This is my sexy bra.
别逗了 Shut up!
- 别笑 - 你是认真的吗 - Don't laugh. - Wait, are you serious?
是的 Yes!
我 亲爱的 艾米 Oh, honey. Amy.
哦 这看起来就跟刚才手术室出来似的 Oh! That looks like you just got out of surgery.
有那么差吗 Is it that bad?
- 是的 只有一条奶头布 - 是啊 - Yeah, there's just one boob-log. - Yeah.
你甚至没有双峰 You don't even have two tits.
我还有件同款黑色的 你们要看看吗 I have this in black. Do you guys wanna see it in black?
不 No!
哦喔 这就是预示你逼里结网的胸罩 Oh, wow. This bra will be the death of your vagina.
哦 Oh!
哦 糟了 Oh, my gosh.
我这辈子只玩过一根鸡巴 You guys, I've only handled one penis my entire life.
哦 亲爱的 Oh, honey!
如果我约到个鸡巴很奇葩的人 该怎么办 What do I do if I get a guy with a weird dick?
肯特就是个软惊天 Kent is a never-hard.
哦 什么叫软惊天 Ooh. What's a never-hard?
哦 他从来没完全勃起过 Oh, he never gets fully hard.
我都能把他的鸡巴像动物气球那样拧起来 So I just have to kind of fold his penis up like a balloon animal
再送它进逼 and shove it up in my vagina.
- 这听起来好可怕 - 是啊 - That sounds horrible! - Yeah.
有时候 我还会把那俩蛋蛋也塞进逼里 Sometimes I take the balls and shove 'em up there, too,
因为至少 你懂的 还算充实 because at least, you know, they're firm.
亲爱的 你的鲍鱼都经历了什么 Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.
我说 我还是很开心他割了包皮 I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.
如果我约到的人没割包皮呢 What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?
跑出房间 尖叫 Run out of the room screaming.
就好像在街上发现手枪一样 It's like finding a gun in the street.
就是尖叫 然后跑出来 Just scream and get outta there!
算了吧 姐们 没割包的人很棒 No way, you guys. Uncut guys are great.
真的吗 Really?
他们总会对你非常温柔 Oh, they're always so nice to you,
因为他们的鸡巴很恶熏 because they know their dicks are gross.
我该怎么做呢 How do I handle it?
- 怎么做 我要摸上去吗 - 哦 我来给你演示 看这里 - What, do I just touch it? - Oh, I'll show you. Here.
- 我们来 琪琪 介意吗 - 什么 - Let me just, Kiki, do you mind for a sec? Uh-uh. - What?
想象一下 这就是根没割包皮的鸡巴 Just imagine for a second that this is the hood of the uncut cook
然后这就是马眼 好嘛 and then this is the penis face. Okay? Mmm-hmm.
所以你要非常温柔 So, what you would do is very gently,
你就这样把包皮翻过来 you would just kind of try to peel it back
就这样露出龟头 over like that to expose the head of the cock.
- 好的 - 然后你就这样轻轻地 - Okay. - And then you would just gently,
你要 抱歉亲爱的 你就这样 you wanna, I'm sorry, honey, you just wanna kind of,
让它稍微紧一点 like it gets a little tight,
然后你就开始晃它 and you gotta kind of work it,
你懂得 你得撸起来 you know, you gotta work it off.
然后你就开始享乐吧 And then you just go to town like it's a, you know...
你懂得 你把它撸硬了 You know, you jerk it off
然后坐上去 till you wanna sit on it.
这样我该怎么处理呢 What do I do with this? Okay?
- 什么 - 我该拿个发夹别住包皮 还是 - What? - Like, do I put it in a hair clip or do I just...
不不不不不不不不 No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, this,
你可以晃它 吸它 this you can flick it, suck it,
你懂得 用你的脸蹭它 you know, rub your face on it.
我不想那么做 不想用脸蹭 I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna rub my face on it.
好吧 搞定好就是了 好吗 Okay, well, take care of this, though. Okay.
因为这就是个又粗又长的男人阴蒂 'Cause this is like a big, giant man clit.
这个 就在这里 This, right here.
如果你活儿好 那它就会 If you work this, it's gonna be like...
- 听着有道理不 亲爱的 - 是啊 太有道理了 - Does that make sense, honey? - Yeah, it's great.
好的 当然 当然 当然 谢谢你 亲爱的 Okay. Sure, sure, sure. Thank you, honey.
我再也不穿这件汗衫了 I'm not gonna wear this sweatshirt ever again.
好的 好的 就这样 我们就在这里下车 Okay, okay, all right. Let's get right down to it.
你想要哪种类型的男人 亲爱的 What kind of guy are you into, honey?
你知道吗 我从来没约过拉丁人 You know what? I've never been with a Latin man.
如果我是你 我就从他们开始 If I were you, I would start with maybe
那种胖胖的犹太人 like just kind of fat and Jewish,
然后再转向拉丁人 and then work yourself into the Latin guy.
- 打扰一下 - 好的 - Excuse me. - Okay.
- 嗨 你好 - 嗨 - Hi, there. - Hi!
这里有人吗 Is this seat taken?
哦 是的 Um, yes.
我是说 是的 不 是说 请坐 嗯 I mean, yes, no, like yes, sit, please. Yeah.
- 我要做什么 - 问问他的爱好 - What do I do? - Ask him about his hobbies.
- 嗨 - 嗨 - Hi. - Hi.
- 我叫艾米 - 布雷登 - Um, I'm Amy. - Braden.
布雷登 很高兴见到你 布雷登 Braden, nice to meet you, Braden.
很高兴见到你 我喜欢你的结婚戒指 Nice to meet you. I like your wedding ring.
操 Shit!
额 Um...
好的 你看到了 这是个笑话 Okay, you see, this is a funny story.
我在 额 我在超市购物 I was, um... I was grocery shopping
然后在地上发现一枚戒指 然后就捡了起来 然后 and I found it on the floor, and I picked it up and...
然后我就戴上了 And then I put it on.
- 我还是去别的地方吧 - 好的 - I'm gonna sit somewhere else. - Okay.
哦 也许下次吧 别戴结婚戒指了 Ooh, maybe next time, try it without your wedding ring.
哦 真是个好主意 Oh, that's a great idea! Yeah?
你好 女士们 Yes. Hey, ladies.
嗨 你哪里来的 Hi! Where are you comin' in from?
我们跟我孩子住在韦斯特伯里（美国镇名） Uh, we live in Westbury with our kids.
很好 Great. Oh.
哦 我忘了 我真的很紧张 姐妹们 Oh, forget it. I'm really nervous, you guys.
你做得很好了 我懂得 我懂得 只是 You're doing great. I know, I know. There is...
你做的很棒 You're doing great.
看看 这里还有这么多帅屌 Look it, there is so much cock in here...
如果你不这么夸张 Yeah... that if you literally...
表现得有平时一半正常 你都能约到炮 Just try to act half-normal and you are gonna get laid.
不要那种妈妈范儿 好吗 Just don't be such a mom. Okay.
你应该多喝点汤 You should eat more soup.
哦 我喜欢早上给孩子喂奶 直到我奶头干裂 Oh, I loved breastfeeding until my nipples started cracking.
这样应该能去污渍 好嘛 This should prevent the stain from setting, okay?
特百惠 拼趣 Tupperware! Pinterest!
爆炸性腹泻 Explosive diarrhea!
你妈知道你在这儿吗 Does your mom know you're here?
听着 这不只是关于海豚长出新尾巴的故事 See, it wasn't just about a dolphin getting a new tail.
是关于家庭团圆的故事 It was about a family coming together.
我都在说什么 What did I say?
嘿 你要去哪 Hey! Where are you going?
哦 我的天 On, my God, you guys-
- 怎么样 - 可怕 - How'd it go? - Oh, horrible.
- 怎么回事 亲爱的 - 发生了什么 - What's the matter, hon? - What happened?
我真的不行 我只想回家 I suck at this. I just wanna go home.
哦 Oh!
- 真想走了 - 艾米 - I really do. - Amy!
嗯 Mmm.
杰西 你这家伙来这儿干嘛 Jessie! What are you guys doing here?
我们只是 你懂得 小女生之夜 We're just, you know, having a little girls' night.
可以 所以丈夫在家带孩子吗 不错啊 Cool, so the husband's at home with the kids? That's nice.
哦 嗯嗯 Oh, mmm...
我丈夫并不知情 My husband's not really in the picture anymore.
是啊 她抓到她丈夫跟个畜牧农场女裸聊 Yeah, yeah, she caught him jerking off with a dairy farmer.
简直性犯罪 He's a sex criminal.
我不知道该说什么了你还好吗 I don't know where to start. Are you okay?
我其实真的真的不错 是的 I'm actually really, really good. Yeah.
我很高兴能碰见你 真好 I'm glad I ran into you. This is really nice.
是啊 我也是 Yeah, me too.
我也是 Me too.
好了 小鬼 咱们走吧 Okay, creepy. Let's go.
好的 Okay.
玩得开心 Have fun.
你太壮实了 You are so hard.
是啊 他身材太健壮 Really, he's got a hard body.
我想我应该谢谢你 Thank you. I think.
我都不敢相信艾米居然在和杰西 哈克尼斯说话 I cannot believe Amy is talking to Jessie Harkness.
我有时候梦到他为我编发 I have dreams about him braiding my hair.
好了 你可以站的离我不那么近吗 Okay, can you not stand so close to me?
因为我还想滚床单呢 Because I'm still trying to get laid.
好啊 当然可以 没问题 Yeah, sure. No problem. Okay.
也不要有舞步 And don't dance walk.
你在那里工作 呃 咖啡公司 对吗 You work at the, uh, coffee company, right?
什么 是啊 慢着 你怎么知道啊 What? Yeah. Wait, how did you know?
我也向你周围人打探过你 I might have asked around about you a little bit.
等等 你调查过我 是吗 Wait. You asked about me? Yeah.
呃 这个嘛 我 Yeah, I...
好吧 其实我对你一直都有感觉 Okay, I've kind of always had a thing for you and...
- 什么 - 我以为你知道啊 - What? - I thought you knew that.
- 不 我完全不知道 - 什么 你居然不知道 - No! I had no idea. - No? You had no idea?
得了吧 你是学校里我最喜欢的一个妈妈了 Oh, come on. You're like my favorite mom at the school.
我是说 我是真的不知道你是怎样做到的 I mean, I honestly don't know how you do it.
你带你的孩子参加所有那些活动啊 You take your kids to all those activities,
你也会做那些疯狂的项目 and you do all those insane projects.
我见过你的理查德 尼克松 简直是不可思议 I saw your Richard Nixon, by the way. That was incredible.
好吧 你知道吗 我的确较为擅长剪纸比赛 Well, you know what? I do have a little thing for papier-mache.
真的很好 谢谢你 It was really good. Thank you.
还有那些午餐 你在开玩笑吗 Oh, and are you kidding me with those lunches?
你知道的 我女儿总是说 You know, my daughter's always saying,
你为什么不能做迪伦妈妈的那种午餐 "Why can't you make lunch like Dylan's mom? "
我的天啊 我喜欢你的女儿 Oh, my God, I love your daughter.
- 你让我看起来很糟糕啊 - 真的吗 - You're making me look bad. - Oh, my God.
噢 这让我很开心 Oh, this makes me so happy.
虽然如此 真正神奇的是 You know what's just really amazing, though,
你的孩子们真的很不错 is the fact that your kids are actually nice people.
- 呃 - 不不 我是认真的 - Meh, eh... - No, no, I'm serious!
所有人都可以强迫他们的孩子学大提琴 或者学汉语 Anyone could force their kids to play cello or speak Chinese
可以去一所不错的大学 或者类似的东西 or, you know, go to a fancy college, or something like that,
但养孩子最大的难处 but what's really hard is raising kids
是让他们有涵养 友好 who are actually decent and kind
而你做到了这一点 and somehow you've done that.
你应该为此感到骄傲 And you should be really proud.
你真是一个碉堡了的妈妈 You're a fuckin' great mom.
额 好吧 On, oh...
- 噢 - 不好意思 - Oh, my. - I'm so sorry.
- 没关系的 没事的 - 我很尴尬啊 - It's fine. Don't worry about it. - And I'm so embarrassed.
你差点就钉在我的脸上 不过我们可以再做一次 You kind of nailed my face, but we should probably do it again.
- 你确定吗 - 不搞突然动作 - Are you sure? - Just no sudden movements.
温柔点 慢慢来 Just nice and slow.
卡拉 卡拉 亲爱的 什么 Carla. Carla! What, hon?
卡拉 快看 快看啊 Carla, look, look, look, look!
卡拉 不是吧 琪琪 CARLA; No, Kiki.
不 琪琪 琪琪 不要啊 No, Kiki! Kiki, no, no.
- 迈克 - 早啊宝贝 - Mike? - Hi, babe.
- 你在这干什么 - 我是想来和你复合的 - What are you doing? - I wanna get back together.
我从来就不应该离你而去 那完全是混蛋的行为 I never should've left you. That was a total dick move.
我们应该把那些不愉快抛之脑后 And I feel like we should just put that in the past
重新开始 and not talk about it.
打住 你瞎说什么呢 Wait, what are you talking about?
听着 我 Look, I...
我需要喘口气 I just needed a break.
你以前没有过这种感觉吗 Haven't you ever needed a break?
我当然有过 迈克 Of course I have, Mike.
但是我不会为此伤害我的家人 But I didn't break up our family to do it.
我想孩子了 I miss the kids.
真的很想念 So much.
尤其是迪伦 甚至还有简 Mostly Dylan, but even Jane a little bit, too.
还有我们的狗狗 天哪 我好想念罗斯科 And the dog, God, I miss Roscoe so much.
- 它还好吗 - 他很好 - How is he doing? - He's fine.
谢天谢地 总而言之 Thank God. The bottom line is,
为了让这个家重归于好 我愿意做任何事情 I will do whatever it takes to keep this family together.
真的吗 Really?
那你跟我一起去理疗吗 You'll finally go to therapy with me?
我就知道你会提这个的 理疗简直太蠢了 I knew you were gonna say that! Therapy is so dumb!
那好吧 滚出去 一路顺风 再见 Great. Get out! Have fun. Bye-bye.
嘿 我只是在做正确的事情 Hey! I'm trying to do the right thing!
拜拜 迈克 说真的 Bye-bye, Mike. Honestly!
好吧 你知道吗 All right, you know what?
就算那完全是 Even though it's a total
对金钱和时间的浪费 我也会陪你去的 waste of time and money, I will go to therapy.
我说要去 就是 But when I say go, I mean,
真的去 敞开心扉 哭一番 like actually go, like participate, cry.
自从芝加哥小熊队在03年落败后 我就再也没哭过 I haven't cried since the Cubbies lost it all in '03.
- 你还想要我怎么样 - 迈克 你知道吗 - How do you expect me... - Mike, you know what?
天天和你那些小女朋友在网络上调情 Have fun with your little weirdo girlfriend on the Internet.
但是等下 我们是要去理疗还是干嘛 But wait, are we gonna go to therapy or what?
我会考虑的 I'll think about it.
嘿 - Hey -
亲爱的 宝贝 你还好吗 Honey? Honey, are you okay?
教练说我上不了赛场 我永远是个候补 Coach says I'm not starting. I'm a benchwarmer.
等等 什么 不 那不可能 Wait, what? No, that's impossible.
你可是队里面最棒的球员 You're the best forward on that team.
上帝啊 我感觉我已经没有未来了 我不可能考上大学 Oh, my God, my life is ruined. I'm never going to college.
我兴许也不可能成为老师 I might as well just become a teacher.
宝贝 宝贝 看我一眼好吗 Baby, baby, look at me for one second.
你会好好的 我向你保证 我会帮你处理这件事的 You'll be okay. I promise you I'm gonna handle this.
- 好吗 - 好的 - Okay? - Okay,
那就好 Okay.
只是 别再像之前那样行吗 Just please don't make a scene.
亲爱的 我不会再让你尴尬了 Honey, I would never embarrass you.
格温多琳逼我的 Gwendolyn made me do it!
我的天 你在跟我开玩笑吗 Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?
你们这群妈妈怎么回事啊 What is it with you moms?
我就是一个普通的中学足球教练 I am a middle school soccercoach.
我也就是想 All I wanna do
安心赚钱 养活我的猫和车 is make enough money to feed my cats and fill my fuckin' Prius.
简直是个混蛋 上帝啊 Grow some balls! Jesus!
嘿 Hey!
你竟敢让我的女儿只当替补 How dare you bench my daughter?
哦 你好啊 艾米 On, Hi, Amy.
你无权那么做 You have no right to do that.
噢 实际上 我还真有 Oh, actually, I do,
因为学校的足球活动是由家长委员会赞助的 uh, because soccer is a PTA-sponsored activity
而我正好是会长 所以 and I am the president of the PTA. So...
额 好吧 Oh... Okay.
额 Uh...
那么 额 Well, um...
你不会得意太久的 Not for long.
亲爱的 你什么意思 Oh, dear. What does that mean?
意思就是我会和你竞选会长 That means I'm gonna run against you for PTA president.
哦 On.
艾米的丈夫不久前抛弃了她 Amy's husband just recently left her,
所以她的脑袋现在有点不太好使 so she's kind of having a mental breakdown right now.
那可真是太惨了 Oh, that's so sad.
哦哦 Ooh.
你很快就会失去这个位置了 You're goin' down.
不 亲爱的 No, honey,
唯一能确定的事就是 你的丈夫在另一个女人身上欢愉 the only thing going down is your husband on another woman.
我 去 Well, damn.
这个主意糟透了 艾米 This is a terrible idea, Amy.
你不可能把她赶下台的 There's no way you can beat her.
在过去的六年里 格温多琳一直是委员会的会长 Gwendolyn has been president of the PTA for the last six years.
琪琪 她是搅毁我孩子的前程 这我绝对无法忍受 拜托 Kiki, she messed with my kid. I can't let that stand. Come on!
就算是这样 所有其他组织的妈妈们 Right, but all the different mom groups
都会给格温多琳投票 are gonna vote for Gwendolyn.
她有亲友妈妈团 虎妈妈团 She's got the attachment moms, she's got the tiger moms,
伤心妈妈团 the sad moms.
博主妈妈团 She has the blogging moms.
健身妈妈团 She's got the CrossFit moms.
骆驼趾妈妈团 Camel toe moms.
醉酒妈妈团 She's got the drunk moms.
你想上的妈妈团 The moms that you wanna fuck.
做过爸爸的妈妈团 The moms that used to be dads.
经常惹事妈妈团 She has the moms that always have a limb broken.
毛发旺盛妈妈团 艺术穿戴妈妈团 The hairy moms. The wearable art moms.
榨汁妈妈团 嗯哼 The juicing moms. Mmm-hmm.
有大乳晕的妈妈团 She has the moms with the huge areolas.
黑人妈妈团 女同妈妈团 离婚妈妈团 The black moms, the lesbian moms, the divorced moms.
还有离了婚的黑人女同妈妈团 She even has the divorced black lesbian moms.
能得到她们的支持真的很难 That is a really hard group to get.
我很喜欢那些女孩们 I love those girls.
而且 艾米 如果你输了话 她会狠狠地羞辱你 Plus, Amy, if you lose, she'll destroy you.
她会把你的孩子 She'll put your kids in
调到傻子班 和那些蠢蛋们一起上课 all the dumb classes with all the dum-dums.
教她的老师也都是些不成器的家伙 She'll give 'em the crappy teachers.
你可以选择忘了足球这件事 那些班级的孩子甚至没有牛奶喝 You can forget about soccer, she won't even give your kids milk.
这就是为什么我们必须扳倒她 But that's all the more reason we have to bring her down.
她就是在欺凌 I mean, you guys, she's a bully!
她就是想把我们变成纳粹一样的妈妈们 Okay, she wants us all to be these perfect little Nazi-moms
然后把我们的孩子都压迫成神经兮兮的学习狂 and our kids to be hyper-stressed and over-scheduled.
我女儿每周都起疹子 她才12岁 My daughter gets a new rash every week, and she's 12.
你让我犹如活在纳粹 You had me at Nazi.
我们去把那个贱人干个逼飞奶炸 I say we go punch that chick right in the tits.
就这样 Yes!
- 你一定想过重新选举一个家长委员会的会长吧 - 我也是 - Would you like a new PTA president? - Me too!
嗨 明晚7:30去和我们的候选人好好交流 Hi. Meet the Candidate Night tomorrow night, 7:30.
- 亲爱的 拿一张 请给艾米投一票 - 真的吗 - Here, honey. Take one. Vote for Amy. - Really?
艾米 米切尔 下一任的家长委员会会长 Amy Mitchell. PTA president.
明晚七点半准时和我们的候选人见面 Come tomorrow, 7:30, Meet the Candidate Night.
委员会会长 PTA president.
- 不用了 谢谢 - 拿着吧 - No! No, thank you! - Take it!
那行 好棒 Okay! Great!
你要是不去我就操了你丈夫 我操他 I'll fuck your husband if you don't go. I'll fuck him!
请给艾米投票 Vote for Amy!
卡拉 搞定她 Carla, get her!
嘿 嘿 Hey! Hey!
你他妈别跑 你他妈的 Don't you fuckin' run from me! Don't you fuckin'...
啊 Ah!
真是蠢得可爱 It's so cute.
话说 你觉得候选人之夜 So, how many people do you think are coming
会有多少人来 to the Meet the Candidate Night?
额 我跟那些妈妈们都放狠话了 Well, I told all the moms that I would
如果她们不到场的话 我就会狠狠的揍她们的老公一顿 所以 bang their husbands if they didn't show up, so...
卡拉 很多 我是说很多 Carla. A lot. My answer is a lot.
谢了 琪琪 Thank you, Kiki.
哦 上帝啊 姐妹们 看看这些孩子 Oh, Jesus, you guys, look at the kids.
我的女儿学得都停不下来了 My daughter won't stop studying.
哦 真幸运 Oh, feel lucky.
我的孩子看见书就想把它撕成两半 All my kid wants to do with books is rip 'em in half.
我真希望我自己知道我在干什么 I just wish I knew how I was doing, you know?
确实 这就是当妈妈的不易之处 Yeah, that's the worst part about being a mom, though,
不到他们长大 你不会知道你为他们做的一切 is you don't know whether or not you're doing a good job
是否正确 until they're fully grown.
然而到那个时候 一切都太迟了 And by that point, it's too late.
你的孩子要么会是一个很不错的人 Your kid is either a nice guy
要么就是小巷子里给人有偿打飞机的 or he's giving hand jobs in an alley for rent.
我可不认为人生只有这两个选择 I don't think those are the only two options.
昨天我就因为给伯纳德拿错果汁 Yesterday, I gave Bernard the wrong juice box
他就骂我是个蠢婊 and he called me a dumb bitch.
我的天 好吧 Oh, my God. Okay.
我的孩子还在看《芝麻街》呢 虽然他看不懂 My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.
我的女儿害怕参加舞会 My daughter's scared of balloons.
我的孩子总把黄油当开胃菜吃 My kid eats butter like an entrée.
你这黄油还吃吗 You gonna eat your butter?
我的女儿甚至会偷那些无家可归的女人们的钱 My daughter stole money from a homeless woman.
我儿子自习课都没及格 My son failed study hall.
克莱儿残杀了邻居的雪貂 Claire killed our neighbor's ferret.
虽然我们都假装那是一场意外 实则不然 I mean, we all pretended like it was an accident, but it wasn't.
她就是杀貂凶手 She's a killer.
额 Ugh.
我知道我们拿他们取笑 但真他妈的 我好爱他们 I know we make fun of them, but fuck, I love them so much.
我也是 Me too.
为他们我能随时去死 I would literally die for them right now.
哦 你都快把我感动哭了 Oh, you're making me cry.
我已经哭了 我想说 上帝啊 I'm already there. I mean, oh, my God,
我们的孩子对我们都是恩赐啊 YOU guys, children are such a gift.
我一想我这帮亲爱的 Every time I think about that big,
小蠢货们有一天会离开我 步入大学 dumb motherfucker going off to college,
我就会像个小屁孩一样大哭 I wanna cry like a baby.
真是烦死人了 This sucks.
我简直不敢相信你竟然让我 I can't believe you're making me cook
每天都给自己做早餐吃 my own breakfast every single day.
孩子你已经做的很棒了 真的 You're doing awesome, buddy. You really are.
所以呢 我的科学报告呢 Hey, so where's my science project?
噢 抱歉我忘了做 Oh, I didn't do it.
什么 我今天就要交 What? But it's due today.
是啊 是啊 这太不公平了 Yeah. Yeah. That's so unfair!
我知道 我知道 我很抱歉 I know. I know. I'm so sorry.
但是你要从现在开始 But you're gonna actually have to start
自己独立做作业了 doing your own homework from now on.
我学东西慢 知道吗 I am a slow learner, remember?
你才不是 你只是被扣上了这个帽子 You're not a slow learner. You're just entitled.
亲爱的 你知道这什么意思吗 Honey, do you know what "Entitled" Means?
不 因为我是一个学东西慢的笨蛋 No. Because I'm a slow learner.
这意味着父母之前太宠你了 It means that Mommy and Daddy have been spoiling you,
导致你现在认为世界就是欠你什么东西 and now you think the world owes you something,
实际上并没有 but it doesn't.
并且 如果你现在还不知道认真学习的话 And if you don't learn how to work hard now,
你就会成为 then you're just gonna
一个自以为是的白人蠢蛋 grow up to be like another entitled white dude
认为自己没理由成功 who thinks he's awesome for no reason.
然后你会去一支斯卡乐队 And then you'll start a ska band,
这会很糟糕 你会对女孩子很刻薄 and it'll be awful, and you'll be mean to girls,
你会长出滑稽的胡子却自认为很性感 and you'll grow this ironic mustache to look interesting,
但并非如此 but you won't actually be interesting,
我可不希望你变成那样 and I'm not okay with that.
所以能不能请你从现在开始 自己完成自己的作业 So will you please, please, just do your own homework?
好吧 上帝 Fine. Jesus!
太棒了 Great.
我爱你哦 I love you.
今天晚上你把你的孩子送到哪儿了 So where are your kids tonight?
他们在一个朋友家里 Oh, they're staying at a friend's house.
我给了我孩子10块钱 还有手机 I gave my kid $10 and a cell phone
然后把他丢到了Arby's快餐店 and I dropped him off at Arby's.
几小时之内应该不会出乱子 He'll be fine for hours.
有人来了 Somebody's here.
- 会长艾米 - 是的 - Amy for president! - Yes!
嗨 很高兴见到你 Hi. Nice to meet you.
很高兴你能来 Thank you so much for coming.
我不想让她搞我的丈夫 I didn't want her to bang my husband.
不 她就是开个玩笑 No, she was just kidding.
哦 Oh.
我没开玩笑 I wasn't kidding.
额 Ugh.
快进来坐 进来 很抱歉 其他人还没到呢 Come in, come in. I'm sorry, nobody's here yet.
嗯 好的 我还在想 Yeah, well, I figured,
格温多琳的派对在哪儿呢 what with Gwendolyn's party and everything.
我很抱歉 你刚刚说什么 I'm sorry, what did you say?
哦混蛋 Oh, nuts.
你不知道吗 You didn't know.
格温多琳决定在自己的家里举办一个竞争派对 Gwendolyn decided to throw a competing party at her house.
玛莎 斯图尔特也去了 And she has Martha Stewart.
你想 尝一口这个特制肉丸 How would you like to try these special meatballs?
现在 我对任何人都没有好话说了 Now, I don't have anything nice to say to anyone,
但我得跟你说 我喜欢你 but I have to tell you, I just love you.
我一直想成为你这样的人 说真的 I've always wanted to be you, actually.
是的 哦 Yes. Oh.
玛莎 甜心 嗨 嗨 Martha, sweetheart. Hi, hi.
你看起来真的很漂亮 Everything looks so beautiful.
非常感谢 布莱尔和甘蒂呢 Well, thank you so much, and how's Blaire and Gandhi?
很高兴能见到你 玛莎 但是我还有件重要的事情要做 It's been nice talking to you, Martha, but I have things to do.
别再跟她说话了 好吗 Stop talking to her. Okay.
女士们 请注意一下 谢谢 Um, ladies? Hi, can I get your attention, please?
- 看我这里好吗 这样我才知道你在听我说话呢 - 嘘 - Eyes here so I know you're hearing me. - Shh.
听好 节目会在五分钟之后开始 Listen, the program is gonna begin in about five minutes,
坐在自己的位置 好吗 so take your assigned seats, okay?
现在 现在就坐 Right now. Do it right now.
我简直不敢相信格温多琳竟然会做出这种事 I can't believe Gwendolyn would do this.
我很抱歉 甜心 I'm so sorry, sweetie.
姐妹们 我们要拿这些酒怎么办 You guys, what are we gonna do with all this shitty wine?
接下来的两个小时内 我要和你聊聊 For the next two hours, I'm gonna talk to you guys
家庭学校的优势 about the advantages of year-round school.
我们要改变我们孩子的未来 We need to change our children's future
就是得让他们一年365天都得去上学 by making them go to school 365 days a year.
3 2 1 开始 Three, two, one, go!
鲶鱼 Catfish!
她是不是说出那个词 Did she say it?
再喝 接着喝 接着喝 Drink again! Drink again, drink again!
为什么我总是那个被罚酒的人呢 Why am I the one that's always drinking?
因为你说出了禁忌词 Because you said the clue word.
就是这样 你说了那个词 That's when you say it.
我还是弄不懂这个游戏 I don't understand this game.
这不是个读词的游戏 It's not a reading game!
好吧 继续 Okay, go.
- 艾米 - 怎么了 - Amy. - What?
- 鸸鹋 - 不 艾米 - Emu! - No, Amy!
他妈的说"鸸鹋" It said fuckin' "Emu"!
你可能不太擅长这个游戏 You're not good at this.
再喝 再喝 Drink! Drink again!
让我带你们回忆回忆 I'm gonna take you back a little bit.
成吉思汗 Genghis Khan.
你们觉得他有过这种全年上课制吗 Do you think he had year-round schooling?
我不觉得 I think not.
再往前一点 Skip forward a little bit.
奥萨玛 本 拉登 Osama bin Laden.
他也没上过这种学校 He Didn't have year-round school.
没有什么 There's nothing more dangerous
比暑假更危险了 than summer vacation.
- 好了 女士们 - 是 我们走 - Okay, ladies? - Yeah, let's go.
我是艾米 很高兴见到你 快进来快进来 Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you. Come in, come in, come in.
哇哦 你们人 可真的不少啊 Wow, there's a lot of you.
哦 Ooh.
你真的确定你都不能再多待一会了吗 Are you sure you can't stay a little bit longer?
宝宝看护人九点就得走了 所以… . Oh. I've only got my sitter until 9:00.
我得溜了 就现在 So I have to skedaddle right now.
好吧 别这样 我理解 我也是妈妈 Okay. No, I understand. I'm a mom.
今晚真的很棒很开心 再见 I had such a great night. Bye!
我们回头见咯 We'll see you over there.
比我预想结束的要早啊 Well, that ended a lot earlier than I anticipated.
是的 Yeah.
你不会真的认为她们都去了 You don't think they're all going over
艾米的派对 不是吧 to Amy's party, do you?
维姬 我们他妈的都把玛莎 斯图尔特请来了 Vicky, we had Martha fuckin' Stewart here tonight.
艾米邀请了谁 嗯 Who does Amy have, hmm?
我开车 她有一点说对了 I'll drive. She could have a point, yeah.
派对越来越火爆了 This party is raging.
谁能想到会是这样呢 What a turnout.
嗨 女士们 见到这样很吃惊吧 Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?
那是 那是 Is that... ls that...
玛莎 斯图尔特 Martha Stewart?
太感谢了 玛莎 Thank you. Martha.
- 我的天 - 你还好吗 - Oh, my God. - Good, right?
我要高潮了 I'm cumming.
我的天 这里面是什么 Oh, my God. What's in this?
额 是定制的越橘胶 Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin...
还有一点点伏特加 Mmm. And a shitload of vodka.
太好吃了 They're delicious.
我早上起床要吃六个这玩意 I start my day with six of these.
喝 喝 Drink! Drink!
喝 喝 喝 Drink! Drink! Drink!
呜 Whoo!
卧了个大槽 Holy shit.
那是詹妮弗 努尼在车旁边撒尿吗 Is that Jennifer Noonan peeing behind that car?
哦 我的天啊 Oh, my goodness.
这派对看起来简直太棒的 This party looks awesome!
我们得去参加这个派对 I need to go to this party.
什么 维姬 唔 What? Vicky! Whoo!
拜托 闭嘴 快闭嘴 Please, shut up! Just shut up for one second.
我知道这是竞选人之夜 I know it's a school night,
那就让我们进入正题 so we're just gonna get right down to it.
我想介绍给你们下一位委员会会长 I wanna introduce you to your next PTA president...
艾米 米切尔 Amy Mitchell!
好 Yes!
首先 我想说 First of all, I just wanna say this,
我们 作为母亲 付出了太多 that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff.
如果我有幸被选中 我保证 我们能够减轻负担 And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less.
呜 Whoo!
好吗 减少家校会议 Right? Less PTA meetings,
减少午餐会 减少糕点售卖活动 less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales,
总之 去掉这些乱七八糟的东西 just less bullshit!
别急 别急 Wait, wait, wait, wait.
同时我觉得 我们的孩子们同样需要休息 And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys.
拜托 现在的上学时间太他妈早了 好么 Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay?
天哪 而且还留那么多的作业 God, and they have way too much homework.
我是说 我们的孩子们甚至没时间 I mean, our kids don't even have time
真正做一回小孩 我没说错吧 to be kids anymore, am I right?
每周的标准测试又算得了什么 And what is up with these five standardized tests a week?
我们不应该把我们的孩子们教成应试达人 We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers.
我们得教他们如何做好人 We should be teaching them how to be good people!
标准测试是什么 What is a standardized test?
那么 如果你是一位殚精竭虑的母亲 So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed,
或是一位盼望减负的母亲 or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...
是 Yes!
投我一票吧 Then just vote for me.
艾米 艾米 艾米 艾米 艾米 Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!
这个烂俗婊 This basic bitch right here,
她要赢了 she's gonna win the election.
不 不可能 No, she's not.
因为我要反击她最关键的地方 Because I'm going to hit her where it counts.
你要狠狠撕烂她的逼 You're gonna punch her in the vagina?
说真的 我不知道为什么我们还要和你出来瞎逛 I literally don't know why we hang out with you anymore.
你知道妈咪派对最大的好处是什么吗 Do you know the best thing about mom parties?
他们刚好在11点结束 They end at exactly 11:00.
今晚 我和那么多女士狂欢 I made out with so many women tonight.
－我知道 －大家 - I know. - Guys...
我真喜欢惠比特犬 I really like whippets.
你好 Hello?
哇 嘿 Wow. Hey.
你在这儿干嘛呢 What are you doing here?
你发短信骗我 Well, you kind of booty texted me.
呃 Uh...
什么 那个派对很棒 额 所以… What? It was a great party, Am. So, uh...
好吧 你全知道 对么 Okay. You got all this, right?
嗨 杰西 我好喜欢你的衣服 Hi, Jessie. I really like your clothes.
那好奇怪 That was odd.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
呃 Um...
实际上 我觉得是卡拉用我的手机发短信骗你 I actually think Carla may have booty texted you off my phone.
哦 好 好 这下说的通了 Oh, okay. Okay, that makes sense
她写的东西太他妈混乱了 because what she wrote was fuckin' disturbing.
- 抱歉 - 没事 - Sorry - It's okay
呃 我不知道 Um, I don't know.
我该离开了吗 Should I leave?
别 No.
呃 Uh...
我真希望是你说 I was really hoping you'd say that.
那么 卡拉究竟给你发了什么 So what exactly did Carla text you?
给你看吧 Why don't I show you?
这儿 On.
好的 Okay.
哦 是了 Oh, yes!
我的天 我的天 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
那是 Oh, that was...
难以置信 我无法 Unbelievable. I can't...
那是什么 哇 What was that... Wow.
最后那事是你做的 That thing you did at the end?
我不知道 I don't know.
我可以说是在那一刻忽然想到的 I kind of came up with it in the moment.
那还好吗 Was it okay?
我的天 太神奇了 好吗 Oh, my god, it was amazing! Yeah?
那是我迄今为止遇到的最好的 天哪 That was by far the best I've ever had. Oh, God.
我好担心 Oh, I was so worried.
你知道的 已经过去一阵子了 You know, it's been awhile since I've done this.
我想我怀孕了 I think I got pregnant.
哦 我的天 真的 嘿 Oh, my God. Really. Hey.
是啊 我还能上你吗 Hi, yeah. Can I go down on you again?
好啊 那很好 Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
酷 好啊 Cool. Okay.
好 好 我的天 Okay. Okay. Oh, my God.
好 很好 Okay. All right.
哦 Oh. Mmm.
哦 On.
哦 瞧瞧你 Oh, look at you go.
天哪 这儿好黑 God, it's dark in here.
天哪 我还是没法理解我们在做的事 God. I still don't understand what we're doing.
别 你们从没跟我说过我们要 Stop it. You guys never tell me what we're...
维姬 你他妈怎么那么蠢 Vicky, why are you so fuckin' stupid?
我想在开头说 每段婚姻都能够被拯救 I like to start by saying that every marriage is savable.
如果夫妻双方愿意积极配合的话 You just need two people who are willing to work at it.
好吗 Okay?
迈克 艾米 请你们对视 Mike, Amy, I want you to look at each other
并说出三个喜欢对方的理由 and say three things that you like about each other.
迈克 Mike?
我能第二个说吗 好吧 可以 Can I go second? Okay. Yeah, sure.
呃 艾米 Uh, Amy?
好的 呃 迈克 我喜欢你给我的孩子们 Okay, uh, Mike, I like that you gave me my children.
我喜欢 你偶尔从学校接他们回家 Uh, I like that you pick them up from school sometimes.
事实上 这对我帮助很大 It's actually really helpful.
还有 呃 我喜欢你今天能来理疗 And, uh, I like that you came to therapy today.
- 好的 迈克 该你了 - 好 - Okay, Mike. Your turn. - Okay.
我喜欢你的意大利面 I like your spaghetti.
还有你的烤馅饼 And you make pretty good calzone.
三个了吗 Was that three?
那算一个半 That was like one and then 1A.
你知道吗 呃 我们试试角色扮演 You know what? Um... Let's try some role playing.
好 艾米 你来扮演迈克 All right, Amy, I want you to pretend to be Mike,
那么迈克 你来扮演艾米 and Mike, I want you to pretend to be Amy.
可以吗 现在我要你们 Okay? And now I just want you to
告诉我关于你们的一天 just tell me about your day.
嗨 我是艾米 Hi, I'm Amy.
我今天的所作所为就是 在脸上抹点乳液啊 All I did today was, like, rub lotion on my face
然后不停讲 讲 讲 and talk, talk, talk, talk.
好吧 呃 Okay. Uh...
艾米 你能… 嗯 可以 Amy, would you like to... Yes, I would!
嘿 我是迈克 Hey, I'm Mike.
呃 Um...
我的老婆太完美了 My life is awesome
她为我打点好这个世界上所有的一切 because my wife takes care of everything in the world for me.
这就是问题 最重要的问题 This is the problem! Here's the bottom line!
她是个完美主义者 She's a perfectionist.
试一试的意义何在 So what's the point of even trying, okay?
那怎么会是问题 How is that a problem?
自从我五年前的生日之后 And she hasn't given me a blowie
她都没给我口交过 since my birthday five years ago!
- 你他妈在逗我么 - 一点也不好 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Which is so not cool!
打住 Hold on one second!
你想要口活 You want a blowie?
也许 如果你打扫一下厨房 给孩子们做晚餐 Maybe if you cleaned the kitchen, made the kids dinner,
关心关心别人 cared for someone other than yourself,
我会给你口好多好多遍 I would give you so many blowies
爽到你鸡鸡爆炸 your fuckin' dick would explode.
我的鸡鸡才不会爆炸 它坚不可摧 My dick would never explode 'cause it's indestructible.
天哪 我没法和你共处一室了 我他妈都不想看到你 Oh, my God, I can't deal with you! I can't fucking look at you.
我 I'm...
迈克 我 Mike, I...
我不爱你了 I don't love you anymore.
对不起 我只是不爱了 I'm so sorry, but I just don't.
我只是厌倦 厌恶了假装喜欢你 I'm so sick and tired of pretending like I do.
这就是我的感受 That is exactly how I feel.
好吧 Okay...
记得我说所有婚姻都能被拯救吗 Remember when I said that all marriages are savable?
那么 这对你们俩无效 Well, it ain't gonna happen for you guys.
所以你觉得我们该怎么办 So what do you think we should do?
作为理疗师 我的职责不允许我教你们怎么做 Well, as a therapist, I'm not allowed to tell you what to do,
但他妈作为长着两只眼睛的正常人类 but as a human being with two fuckin' eyes in my head,
是的 我觉得你们应该离婚 越早越好 yeah, I think you should get divorced as soon as possible.
这真他妈是个灾难 This is some catastrophic shit.
我觉得这样最好 I think it's for the best.
是啊 我也觉得 Yeah. Me too.
我能抱你吗 Can I give you a hug?
迈克 我很遗憾 Mike. I'm so sorry.
我也很遗憾 I'm sorry, too.
嗯 Mmm.
你得先替你自己担心 You gotta watch out for you first.
戴尔 我的办公室怎么会有保安 Dale, why is there a security guard in my office?
嘿 艾米 我很抱歉 Hey, Amy, uh, I'm so sorry,
但是我们要把你调走了 but we're gonna have to positively transition you.
你要解雇我吗 Are you firing me?
呸 好吧 那可不是我说的 我讨厌这种说法 Yuck. Okay, that's not my word. I don't like that word.
但是的 我要炒掉你了 But, yes, I'm firing you.
为什么 Why?
你拒绝来办公室 Well, you quit coming to the office.
好吧 也许我是有点懒散 但 Okay, maybe I've been slacking off a little bit, but...
《权力的游戏》里雪诺死掉的时候 特萨放了两周假 Tessa took two weeks off when Jon Snow died on Game of Thrones,
他甚至不是真实存在的人 and he's not even a real person.
公平来说 我们所有人都在雪诺死后放了两周假 To be fair, we all took two weeks off when Jon Snow died.
你是那个唯一没休假的人 You're the only person that didn't take two weeks off.
不过 作为你在这个公司 But as a token of appreciation
工作六年的答谢 for your six years with the company,
我要给你一份很特别的礼物 I got you a very special gift.
你要给我个四盎司的包包 You got me the four-ounce bag?
就不能多花点钱买个八盎司的么 Couldn't even splurge for the eight?
什么 What?
米歇尔女驶 这位是布尔会长 你得进来 Ms-Mitchell, this is Principal Burr. We need you to come in.
好的 好的 我就过去 Okay, okay. I'll be right there,
关于我接电话的方式 我很抱歉 会长 and I'm very sorry, Principal, for how I answered the phone.
抱歉 你发现什么了 I'm sorry. You found what?
我在你女儿的柜子里发现了大麻烟 I found marijuana cigarettes in your daughter's locker.
看上去像菠萝快车或小阿富汗库什（大麻品种） Now, it looks like Sour Diesel or a little Afghan Kush.
不可能 她才12岁 That's impossible. She's only 12.
是真的 史努比五岁就开始抽大麻了 It happens. Snoop been smokin' since he was five.
那不是我的 Those aren't mine.
我发誓 妈妈 我向上帝发誓 它们不是我的 I mean, Mom, I swear to God, they're not mine.
宝贝 我相信你 Baby, I believe you.
那你到底为什么看我的柜子 And why were you looking in my locker anyway?
有位热心的家长警告我们了 We were tipped off by a concerned parent.
等等 Wait a minute.
那位热心的家长是叫格温多琳 詹姆斯吗 Was this concerned parent's name Gwendolyn James?
嘿 听着 我不知道 Hey, listen, I don't know
与格温多琳 詹姆斯无关 好吗 nothin' about Gwendolyn James, all right?
那个女人吓到我了 That woman scares me.
我只知道 这是个零容忍度的学校 What I do know is this school is a zero-tolerance school,
这意味着 你的女儿禁止参加 so that means that your daughter's banned
一切课外活动 from all extra-curricular activities.
那是什么意思 What does that mean?
意味着你要退出足球队 That means you're off the soccer team.
什么 What?
天哪 嘿 我的手被绑着 Oh, my God. Hey, my hands were tied.
亲爱的 等等 Honey, baby, hold on.
那个小女孩惹麻烦了 That little girl rolls a real tight jay.
这全都是你的错 This is all your fault.
你为什么要去惹格温多琳 詹姆斯 Why did you mess with Gwendolyn James?
甜心 我很抱歉 Sweetie, I am so sorry.
亲爱的 拜托 我不是故意的 Honey, please, I didn't mean for this.
不 妈妈 你就是故意的 Yes, you did mean to, Mom!
你厌倦当我妈妈了 所以你就甩包袱 You were sick of being a mom, so you quit
你和你奇奇怪怪的朋友们开派对 and you started partying with your weird, new friends,
玩忽职守 还有 哦 对了 and blowing off work, and, oh, yeah,
你还和洛丽 哈克尼斯的爸爸上床 having sex with Lori Harkness' dad.
太恶心了 So gross!
亲爱的 我知道你很生气 Honey, I know that you're mad.
我知道 你太自私了 妈妈 I get it. You are so selfish, Mom.
你真的自私透顶 糟糕要命 好么 You are so selfish and it frigging sucks, okay?
宝贝 对不起 告诉我 我该怎么补偿 Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me, how can I make this better?
用不着 今晚我想和爸爸一起 No. I wanna stay with Dad tonight.
连他都比你像个家长 Even he's a better parent than you.
天哪 Oh, my God.
你们听到了吗 Guys! Guys, guys. Did you hear?
艾米 米歇尔的女儿嗑药被抓了 Amy Mitchell's daughter got busted for drugs.
什么 不可能 是啊 What? No way! Yeah.
听着 我没在诋毁艾米 米歇尔 Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.
我是说 天啊 我永远也不会 I mean, my God, I would never...
当然 不会对别的母亲指指点点 Of course... ever judge another mother,
但我觉得 我们都得扪心自问 but I think we really have to ask ourselves,
我们真的像要一个鲁莽 失职 do we want someone who is that reckless and irresponsible
精神错乱的酒鬼来当家长委员会会长吗 and mentally unhinged alcoholic to be president of the PTA?
我不知道 I don't know.
你知道吗 我从没喜欢过她 她就是个异类 You know what? I never even liked her. She looks foreign.
天哪 异类 Oh, God. Foreigners.
听好了 我觉得现在我们得祈祷 Listen. I think now we just need to pray
艾米的小女儿能得到应有的帮助 that Amy's little crackhead daughter gets the help she needs.
迈克 如果简尼需要任何帮助 Mike, if Janey needs anything,
我是说任何 尽管给我打电话 and I mean anything, just please call me.
宝贝 会好起来的 我就在华德福待着 Babe, it's gonna be fine. I'm staying at the Waldorf.
那儿有室内室外泳池 客房服务 They got an indoor-outdoor pool, room service,
18洞高尔夫球场 太迷人了 18-hole golf course. It's killer.
你一直在华德福待着 You're staying at the Waldorf?
上帝 这是离婚 不是豪华假期 迈克 God, this is a divorce, not a luxury vacation, Mike.
这是个安全的宾馆 It's a safe hotel.
等等 再见 小天使 与爸爸玩得开心 Wait, bye, angel! Have so much fun with Daddy!
我能抱抱你吗 Can I get a hug?
不行 好吧 好吧 No? Okay. Okay.
哦 别 伙计 等等 你也去吗 Oh, no, buddy, wait. You're also going?
狄伦 你知道这个酒店有电视的 Dylan, you know the hotel has TVs.
你不用把你自己的也捎来 You don't have to bring your own.
左轮枪 也不用 Oh, Roscoe, not you, too.
华德福的狗狗很友好 不用担心 Oh, the Waldorf's dog-friendly, so don't worry.
是的 那么 Yeah. So.
迈克 去吧 是的 Mike, please go. Yeah.
孩子们再见 Bye, kids.
欢迎来到年度家长委员会大选 Welcome to the annual PTA election.
我们从参选者致辞开始 We will start with the candidates' statements,
由于只有一个人操心着露面 and since only one bothered to show up,
她先来 she will go first.
格温多琳 你有五分钟时间 Gwendolyn, you have five minutes.
谢谢 我想说多久就说多久 Thank you. I'll talk as long as I want.
天哪 这个电影太压抑了 God, this movie's depressing.
艾米 艾米 对不起 我来晚了 Amy! Amy, I'm sorry we're late.
天哪 天哪 这是琪琪的错 Oh, my God! It's Kiki's fault.
对不起 亲爱的我们来晚了 对不起 Sorry we're late, honey. So sorry.
我得撒尿 I had to pee.
发生什么了 你为什么准备 What's happening? Why aren't you ready?
发生什么了 What's going on?
你在说什么 What are you talking about?
你在干… 那可是家长委员会大选 What are you... It's the PTA election.
天哪 不 抱歉 我不会去的 Oh, my God, no. Sorry, I'm not going to that.
什么 为什么不去 What? Why not?
我不知道 Oh, I don't know.
也许因为我的丈夫抛弃了我 我的孩子们也不要我了 Maybe because my husband left me, my kids left me.
连狗他妈的都离我而去 My fucking dog left me.
学校里所有的母亲都恨我 All the moms in school hate me,
作为母亲 我完完全全就是个失败者 and I am a complete and utter failure as a mother.
首先 你不是个失败的母亲 First of all, you are so not a failure as a mother.
事实上 你是我们见过最棒的妈妈 In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.
真的 True that.
你给你的孩子做沙拉 You give your kids salad.
你记得你孩子们的生日 You remember your kids' birthdays.
我是说 我坐在那儿 看着你 I mean, I sat here and watched you wait
你等着孩子们在你抽嗨之前睡着 until your kid fell asleep before you got high.
大多数妈妈都这样 卡拉 Most moms do that, Carla.
那是大多数的母亲 That's most moms, yeah.
没错 管他呢 这是我所见的你做过的最坏的事情 Well, whatever. This is the worst thing I've ever seen you do.
你放弃尝试了 You've quit trying.
我们永不放弃 妈妈们永不放弃 We don't quit! Moms don't quit!
不 放弃是形容爸爸们的 No! Quitting is for dads!
呃 Uh...
听着 无论被泼什么样的脏水 Listen, no matter what shit is thrown at us,
我们这些妈妈们 我们都得 us moms, we have to just...
得坚持下去 嗯哼 We have to just keep going. Mmm-hmm.
你知道为什么吗 And do you know why?
因为我们没什么自尊 Because we have low self-esteem.
不 不 不 No. No, no.
因为我们爱我们的小孩们 It's because we love our kids.
因为我们爱那些蠢蠢的 It's because we love our stupid,
自私的 不知感恩的小混蛋们 selfish, ungrateful, little shit-faces!
这就是理由 That's why.
我们那么爱他们 We love 'em so much that we would do...
甚至甘愿为他们做任何事 Literally anything for them.
告诉你们吧 我赢不了大选的 You guys, I can't win the election.
天哪 艾米 Oh, my God! Amy!
艾米 这无关竞选 Amy! This is not about the election.
艾米 坐好 Amy, sit up.
这是要跟伤害你宝贝女儿的婊子对峙 This is about standing up to the bitch that hurt your little girl!
现在 你还想坐在这儿 Now, are you gonna sit here
放任格温多琳轻松当选吗 and let Gwendolyn get away with this shit?
别这样 艾米 操 Don't do it, Amy. Fuck that!
操 Fuck it!
你要像小阿波罗 克里德一样 重燃斗志 You are gonna rise up like a small, little white Apollo Creed
你要直视格温多琳 你要对她说 and you are gonna look at Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,
你可以对我为所欲为 我不在乎 "You can do what you want to me, I don't care,
冲我来 Throw it at me,
但你他妈敢招惹我女儿 "But you fucked with my daughter,
现在 我得和你战斗 "And now I have to fight you.
咱们操场见 I will fight you in the playground.
食堂见 I will fight you in the cafeteria.
就算在乔氏超市的停车场 我也要和你打 "I will even fight you in the parking lot of Trader Joe's.
我会为我的女儿找回公道 "But I will have justice for my little girl,
因为我他妈是个母亲 "Because I am a fucking mom.
我们守护我们的孩子 "And we protect our young. "
所以 从沙发上起来 So get up off this couch,
关掉《为奴十二载》 turn off 12 Years a Slave
让我们狠狠教训那个贱人 and let's body slam this bitch.
来吧 艾米 起来 Come on, Amy. Come on,
挺起你的奶子 get those tits up.
挺起来 挺起来 Get 'em up. Get 'em up.
- 亮出你的波波 - 挺起你的奶子 - Get your boobs up. - Get those tits right up.
我挺起我的奶子 快挺起来 I'm gonna get my tits up. Get your tits up!
挺起来了 挺起来了 They're getting up, you guys. They're getting UP-
我看到了 我奶子挺起来了 I can see it. Guys, my tits are gettin' up.
挺起来 挺起来 就是这样 They're getting up. They're getting up. That's it.
起来了 They are up!
走 走 走 走 Go, go, go, go!
我的天 Oh, my God.
这是单行道 This is a one-way street!
快开出去 Move out of the way!
我们可是要去家长委员会啊 操他妈的 We're on our way to a PTA meeting, motherfuckers!
哦 我的天 有辆卡车 Oh, my God, there's a truck!
卡车 卡车 卡车 我的天 Truck! Truck! Truck! Oh, my God!
哦 我的天 Oh, my God.
哦 可以 肯特来电话了 Oh, fun. Kent is calling.
- 嗨 亲爱的 - 琪琪 - Hi, honey. - Kiki.
这群孩子要疯了 The kids are going insane.
我应付不来 你得马上回家 I can't do this. You gotta come home right now.
但是我不能回家 But I can't come home.
我要跟我朋友去家长竞选会 I'm going to the PTA meeting with my friends.
不不不不 我说了现在就回家 该死的 No, no, no, no. I said come home now, damn it!
那我说 And I said,
我他妈要跟我朋友去他妈的家长竞选会 "I'm going to the fucking PTA meeting with my fucking friends, "
所以别他妈娘们唧唧 自己搞定 so stop being such a goddamn pussy and make it work!
琪琪 琪琪 Kiki. Kiki...
真刺激 That was very exciting.
- 感觉有多棒 - 感觉超爽 是不是 - How good did that feel? - That felt good, didn't it?
- 太过瘾了 - 耶 - It's very exciting! - Yes!
太过瘾了 It's very exciting!
这是有原因的 和其他47位 And it is for that reason and the 47 others
我今天请来的贵宾 that I laid out for you today
我请求大家为我投票 that I humbly ask for your vote.
好的 谢谢 格温多琳 All right, thank you, Gwendolyn.
- 额 好的 - 抱歉 我迟到了 - Uh, well... - Sorry I'm late!
其实 你来得正是时候 讲你的竞选宣言吧 Actually, you're just in time to give your candidate statement.
什么是竞选宣言 What's a candidate statement?
哦 我以为就像演讲那样呢 Oh, I think that's like a speech.
- 你有带稿子对吗 亲爱的 - 你在说什么 - You got one of those, right, honey? - What are you talking about?
- 你没有演讲稿吗 - 当然没有 - You don't have a speech? - Of course not!
会一切顺利的 It's all good.
她准备了很棒的演讲 She's got a great speech.
我不擅长在公共场合说话 I'm not good at this public speaking.
嘿 我们要坐这里 让开 让开 抱歉 让开 Hey, we're sitting here. Move, move, sorry, move.
好的 Okay.
喔 你们好多人啊 Wow, there's a lot of you.
介绍你自己 Introduce yourself.
嗨 我叫艾米 米切尔 Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.
很好 Good.
我来竞选委员会会长 And I'm running for PTA president.
你现在很棒 You're doing great.
不要因为他们没反应 Just 'cause they're not responding
就以为自己很糟糕 doesn't mean they think you're terrible.
你知道 You know...
我知道有很多关于女儿的传言 I know there's a lot of rumors going around about my daughter.
这可不是好的开始 That's a bad place to start.
我想你们很多人都认为我是个坏妈妈 And I'm guessing a lot of you think that I'm a bad mom.
是的 Yes.
不不 你知道吗 你是对的 No, no. No, you know what? You're right.
有时候我对孩子太宽松了 Sometimes, I'm too lenient with my kids.
有时候又很严格 Sometimes, I'm too strict.
显然 我们高估她了 Well, we overestimated her, obviously.
有时候 我是如此疯癫 Sometimes, I'm so crazy
我甚至搞不懂从我嘴里说出来的话 that I don't even understand the words that are coming out of my mouth.
对我女儿有效的方法对我儿子就无效 You see, what works for my daughter almost never works for my son.
每当我开始真的要去了解我的孩子时 And whenever I think I'm actually starting to figure my kids out,
他们长大了 我又成了那个过时的人 they grow up and I'm back to square one.
所以事实是 就我是坏妈妈而言 So, the truth is, when it comes to being a mom,
我他妈完全不知道我在做什么 I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.
你们知道吗 我认为没人知道 And you know what? I don't think anyone does.
我认为我们都是坏妈妈 你知道为什么吗 I think we're all bad moms, and you know why?
因为如今想成为合格的妈妈是不可能的 Because being a mom today is impossible!
我从来没怀疑过她 我从来没怀疑过她 I never doubted her. I never doubted her.
她做得很棒 不做作 She's doing great. She's a natural.
所以我们能不能都 So can we all just please
别假装我们都很明白的样子 stop pretending like we have it figured out
别互相指指点点的 哪怕一次 and stop judging each other for once?
听着 我竞选会长是因为 Look, I'm running for PTA president because...
因为我想让我们的学校变成 Because I want our school to be a place
一个你可以犯错 可以做自己的地方 where you can make mistakes, where you can be yourself,
看你工作多努力来评价你 where you're being judged on how hard you work
而不是看你义卖活动时带了什么东西 and not on what you bring to the fucking bake sale.
是的 是的 Yeah! Yeah!
我想让我们学校变成对坏妈妈也还不错的地方 I want our school to be a place where it's okay to be a bad mom.
你们懂我的意思吗 Do you know what I mean?
我孩子都三个星期没洗澡 My kids haven't had a bath in three weeks.
很好 听着 我们都有过那个时候 That's okay! Listen, we've all been there.
我没收了我儿子的烟 然后自己抽起来了 I confiscated my son's weed and then I smoked the shit out of it!
你电话多少号 What's your number?
我每周二晚上都给孩子苯那君 I give my kids a Benadryl every Tuesday night
这样我就能看《美国之声》了 so I can watch The Voice.
我分不清我那家的双胞胎 I can't tell my twins apart!
我让我7岁的孩子看《疯狂迈克斯》 I let my 7-year-old watch Mad Max.
我早餐喝潘趣酒 I drink margaritas for breakfast.
我把我儿子的小提琴扔进了垃圾堆 I threw my son's violin in the garbage.
哦 亲爱的 我们不说西班牙语 Oh, honey, we don't speak Spanish.
我喜欢我家保姆甚于我的丈夫 I like my nanny better than I like my husband.
等一下 真的吗 Wait, really?
是的 没错 Yeah, you do!
我甚至没有孩子 I don't even have kids!
我来参加会议是因为我太孤单 I just come to PTA meetings because I'm lonely.
额 Aw.
事情是这样的 Here's the thing.
如果你是个完美妈妈 If you're a perfect mom
可以搞定所有子女养育问题 who's got this whole parenting thing figured out,
那么 你真的应该投票给格温多琳 well, then, you should probably vote for Gwendolyn,
因为她很棒 'cause she's amazing.
是的 Yes.
但如果你是像我这样的坏妈妈 But if you're a bad mom like me
你他妈都不知道自己要做什么 and you have no fucking clue what you're doing,
或者你受够了一直被指指点点 or you're just sick of being judged all the time...
那么请投我 Then please vote for me.
谢谢 Thank you.
哦 我的天 Oh, my God!
你在逗我吗 Are you kidding me?
是的 Yes!
艾米 艾米 艾米 Amy! Amy! Amy!
看这里 这是你们的家长委员会会长 Look at that! This is your PTA president!
艾米 艾米 艾米 Amy! Amy! Amy!
哦 妈妈 Oh, mama.
我感觉精神焕发 太棒了 I feel invigorated. This is so great!
- 我还是不敢相信你赢了 - 我知道 - I still can't believe you won. - I know!
哦 你们把我拉出那个房子 我真是太高兴了 Oh, I'm so happy you guys dragged me out of the house.
哦 甜心 我从未怀疑过你 Oh, sweetheart, I didn't doubt you for a second.
哦 老天 你知道吗 我都忘了 Oh, God, you know, I forgot what it was
什么是真正的朋友了 like to have real friends,
像 挚友 like, true friends.
我知道 I know.
遇见你们之前 我的朋友只有谷歌地图的女声 Before you guys, my only friend was that lady on Google Maps.
你俩是第一个 You're pretty much the first bitches
在学校跟我说话的小婊砸 所以 to ever talk to me at this school, so...
我真的很高兴我们遇到彼此 姐妹们 I'm so happy we found each other, you guys.
- 我也是 - 还有我 - Me too. - Me three.
让我们好好拥抱一下- Let's hug for a really long time.
来嘛 抱过来 抱过来 Come on, bring it in. Bring it in.
嘿 姐妹们 容我个空儿 Hey, will you guys give me, like, a second?
好的 好的 亲爱的 当然 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, honey. Sure.
好的 当然 等一会儿 Okay. Sure, take a minute.
好好回味啦 谢谢 Digest it. Thanks.
干嘛 来幸灾乐祸的吗 What, did you come to gloat?
不不不 我就是看看你还好吗 No. No, no, I'm just seeing if you're okay.
我好着呢 一切都好 I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm fine.
好吧 我不想打扰你 我没事的 Okay. I don't wanna bother you. No, I'm good.
只不过是家长委员会这件事 It's just that the PTA
它是发生在我生命中唯一的好事 然而我也没有把握住 was the only good thing in my life and now I've lost that, too.
算了吧 格温多琳 你的人生够好的了 Come on, Gwendolyn, your life is awesome.
你好像 得有三条船吧 You have, like, three boats.
其实我有四条船 I have four boats. Okay.
但是 我的人生还是很烂啊 But, no... My life is so not awesome.
格温多琳 你的生活能有什么不好 Gwendolyn, what could possibly be wrong?
哦 天啊 Oh, God.
好吧 Okay, well,
首先 for starters...
我丈夫刚因为贪污了一个儿童慈善机构 My husband was just arrested for embezzling
一亿美金被抓进去了 $100 million from a children's charity.
而且我晚上会做噩梦 And I have night terrors.
我隔20分钟就得吃一次止痛片 And I have to take Vicodin every 20 minutes,
就算我根本没觉着哪里不舒服 and I'm not even in any pain.
我完全吃止痛片上瘾了 I'm just addicted to them now.
我非常确定我姐夫 I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law
加入了ISIS 而且他还是个犹太人 just joined ISIS, and he's a Jew!
哦 还有 我的录像机不给我录《灵书妙探》了 Oh, and also, my DVR just stopped recording Castle-
就那么突然 Just out of nowhere.
这他妈怎么会发生啊 Like, how the fuck does that even happen?
我是把整个家庭聚在一起的唯一联结了 And I am the only thing holding my family together,
所以 是啊 我的人生真好 so, yeah, it's awesome.
很不错了 It's just awesome.
天啊 Wow.
我真的没想到 是啊 I had no idea. Yeah.
你刚才描述明明就是完美的生活嘛 You just always acted like everything was so perfect.
嘿 Hey
真的抱歉 对你女儿做了那种事情 I'm really sorry about what I did to your daughter.
我保证会让她回到足球队里的 好吗 I promise you I will get her back on the soccer team, all right?
我知道我做的事情很恶心 I know that was a really shitty thing to do.
我这坏人都难受 Yeah. Even for me.
听着 我们都是坏妈妈 是吧 Listen, we're all bad moms, right?
对 Yeah.
今天晚上你就说了这么一句 That was literally the only thing you said tonight
还他妈算有人味儿的话 that made any fuckin' sense.
再见了 Bye.
嘿 小家伙们 能聊会儿天吗 Hey, guys. Can I talk to you for a second?
好的 Yeah.
嗯 我想说句对不起 Look, I just wanna say
我最近的表现实在太差了 I'm really sorry for how I've been acting lately.
不 没关系的 就是更年期而已 是吧 Oh, it's fine. Yeah, it's just menopause, right?
不 不是更年期 No. It's not menopause.
我也很抱歉 我对足球队的事 And I'm sorry for acting so crazy
表现得太激动了 about the whole soccer thing.
我应该冷静些的 I'm really trying to chill out more.
就是足球而已 是吧 I mean, it's just soccer. Right?
我能让你回到足球队了 I got you back on the soccer team.
- 不是吧 - 就是的 - Shut up! - Shut up.
别逗我了 哦 上帝啊 Shut your face! Oh, my God.
太谢谢你了 妈妈 Thank you so much, Mom.
哦 我爱你们 快进来 Oh, I love you. Get in here.
哦 我太爱你们了 There. Oh, I love you guys so much.
你们是很棒的孩子 You're amazing kids.
我保证会一直守护你们的 I promise, I promise to always be here for you.
哦 Oh.
我的孩子们 My babies.
哦 Oh...
- 我都忘了 - 他要干什么 - I almost forgot! - Where is he going?
他用烤箱干什么了 Why is he touching the oven?
我做了个烘蛋 I made a frittata.
你说的是烘蛋吗 Did you just say "Frittata"?
你说过不再给我们做饭了 You said you weren't gonna cook for us anymore,
我就自己学做饭了 so I taught myself how to cook.
哦 宝贝儿 我真为你骄傲 快过来 我爱你 Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you! Get in here. I love you.
- 我爱死你了 - 好吧 好吧 - I love you. - Okay, okay, all right, all right.
好啦 好啦 Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. -
好啦 放开吧 All right, okay, let go.
我得去做作业了 Okay. I gotta go do my homework.
你怎么了 Who are you?
∮我说 你一直在克制∮ ∮I said, "You're holding back"∮
∮她说 闭上嘴来和我共舞∮ ∮She said, "Shut up and dance with me! "∮
∮这个女人就是我的真命天女∮ ∮This woman is my destiny∮
∮她说 哦哦哦 闭上嘴 来和我共舞∮ ∮She said, "Ooh-ooh-hoo, Shut up and dance with me! "∮
哦 等一下 对不起孩子们 等一会儿就好 Oh, hold on. Sorry, guys. One sec, one sec.
喂 这是艾米 Hello, this is Amy.
嘿 艾米 我是戴尔 Hey, Amy, it's Dale.
公司没你要完蛋了 The company is falling apart without you.
你能回来吗 Could you please come back?
你要什么我都给你 I will give you whatever you want.
要什么给什么吗 Whatever? Whatever I want?
对 对 什么都行 Yes! Yes! Anything.
好 我要双倍工资 Okay, um, well, I wanna double my pay.
我要一周在家工作两天 I wanna work from home two days a week.
哦 我还要雇三个十二岁以上的女人 Oh, and I wanna hire three women over the age of 12
来和我一组 to fill out my team.
好吧 好的 什么都行 你今天能来吗 Okay, okay, fine. Anything you want. Can you start today?
哦 不行 不好意思 今天不行 Oh, no, no. No, sorry, today's not good for me.
下周再说 谢了 拜拜 I'll start sometime next week. Thanks. Bye-bye.
过来 爱你们 Come here. Love you.
- 上学愉快 - 爱你 妈妈 - Great day at school. - Love you, Mom.
我也爱你们 好好表现 I love you kiddos. Be great, okay?
好好学习天天向上 Okay. Be amazing. Be awesome.
爱你哦 Love you!
他们怎么长得这么快 When did they get so big?
我也不清楚 I don't know.
你说 我周五晚上过来怎么样 Hey, what would happen if I came over Friday night,
带一瓶好酒 brought a great bottle of wine,
给你做一顿好吃的 you know, made you a nice dinner,
给你接盆热水泡澡 好好照顾你一下 maybe ran you a hot bath and someone just took care of you...
- 我爱你 - 让你开心 - I love you. - For a change?
你说什么 啥 What did you just say? What?
什么 我什么也没说 What was that? I said nothing.
- 你什么也没说 - 我是想说 - You said nothing. - I meant to say that I...
我喜欢那样 我喜欢 God, I would love that. I would love that.
太好了 Great. Yeah.
咱们周五见 I'll see you Friday. Okay.
放学再见 好好表现 好吗 I'll see you after school. Be good, okay?
嘿 过的怎么样了 Hey, how's it going?
我过得好极了 I'm doing amazing.
我睡了懒觉 没去上班 吃了四个甜甜圈 I slept in late, skipped my workout, had, like, four donuts.
我还告诉孩子们 I told these kids,
你们今天自己准备上学 "Look, you get yourself ready for school today. "
早上还和老公玩了《五十度灰》那套姿势 And my husband totally Fifty-Shaded me this morning.
哦 不能再棒了 Oh. I've never felt better.
真棒 Wow.
是啊 Yeah.
嘿 Hi!
你带了麦蒂的书包了吗 Did you remember Maddie's backpack?
没有 我落在车里了 Shoot. No, I left it in the car.
好吧 那回去拿吧 好吗 Okay, well, let's go get it, dude. Right?
快点哦 Chop-chop.
不好意思 马上回来 I'm so sorry. Be right back.
书包又不能自己过来 It's not gonna grab itself.
嘿 杰克森 Hey, Jackson.
我 嗯 I, uh...
我今天给你带了午餐 I made you lunch today.
豆沙卷加点甘蓝 It's a hummus wrap with some kale.
真难吃 Gross!
是 我知道 听起来挺恶心 Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting,
可是对你会有营养吧 还有 but it's supposed to be good for you, so...
明天晚上我会来看你棒球比赛的 And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.
真的吗 那我要打满全场 For real? I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game.
嗯哼 Mmm-hmm.
因为 Because
我爱你 I love you.
就这样 And stuff.
哦 Oh.
真不敢相信我能挤出这话来 Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chotch.
嘿 漂亮妞儿们 怎么样了 Hey. What's up, pretty ladies?
今天干点什么好 What should we do today?
吃个早午餐怎么样 How about we go to brunch?
嗯 Mmm.
我们去DIY绘制陶瓷怎么样 Oh, how about we go to Color Me Mine
互相做沙拉碗怎样 and make each other salad bowls?
我喜欢 哦 我有主意了 I love it. Oh, I got an idea.
我们干点不难受的事情怎样 Why don't we try something that doesn't suck?
嘿 婊子们 上车 Hey, bitches! Get in.
等等 Wait.
我靠 等下 那是不是 Holy shit. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ls that...
嗯 我今天能用我老公的飞机 Well, I have my husband's plane for the whole day,
所以你们想去哪儿 so where do you guys wanna go, huh?
你们知道吗 我开始有点喜欢格温多琳了 You know what? Gwendolyn's starting to grow on me, guys.
我不想撒谎 可我觉得她真是个好人 I'm not gonna lie to you. I think she's a really good person.
来吧 来吧 大方极了 Come on, come on! Very generous.
坏 妈 妈
我这妈妈当的稀里糊涂的 My role as a mother was so hit-and-miss.
我放开了一些 却又有些过头了 I was a little looser, but too loose in many ways.
我会给她威士忌喝 I would give her whiskey.
她七岁时我们就离开了国家 We left the country when she was seven years old.
我妈妈一直告诉我 我们要搬到街上去 My mom kept telling me that we were moving up the street.
然后飞往洛杉矶 And then we flew to L. A.
我妈妈就是个大骗子 My mother's a filthy liar.
我怀了孩子的时候 When I went into labor and stuff,
都没有问是男是女 I didn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl.
只想要杜冷丁止痛 I just asked for Demerol.
我听见有人叫我的名字 I heard someone calling my name.
"请来服务台这边" "Please come to the service desk. "
我想 那是什么 I thought, "What's that? "
我环顾四周 不见凯瑟琳的影子 And I looked around, there was no Kathryn.
她那时才三岁 我也才三岁 She was three years old. I was three years old.
我就想 天啊 真糟糕 I'm thinking, oh, my God, that was bad!
当我九岁的时候 When I was nine years old,
嗯 我妈妈带我去电影院看《虎口巡航》 um, my mom took me to see Cruising in the theaters
因为她喜欢阿尔帕西诺 我也喜欢 because she loved Al Pacino. I loved Al Pacino.
《虎口巡航》讲了一个男人 Cruising is a movie about a man
调查SM同性恋俱乐部的黑帮 investigating the underworld of S&M gay clubs
因为有人对男人先奸后杀 because there was a man murdering men after raping them.
阿尔 帕西诺 Al Pacino.
身为父母做了蠢事 You do stupid things as a parent
你还要想 没关系的 没关系的 and you're like, "Oh, they're fine, they're fine, "
然后你进医院的时候 and then you're in the hospital.
你当然要对你孩子撒谎了 你当然这么做 Yeah, of course you lie to your kids, of course you do,
你还不得不翻他们的东西 and you go through their things. You have to.
你翻了我的东西 You go through my things?
有些时候你不得不哄人们开心 Sometimes you have to make people happy,
就得撒点小谎 知道吗 to lie a little bit. You know?
像是复活节兔子 牙仙 Easter Bunny. Tooth Fairy.
给圣诞老人留吃的 Food out for Santa Claus.
那一年你让我打扫壁炉 You had me clean the fireplace that year.
嗯 好吧 反正这个主意不错 Yeah, well, that was a good idea anyway.
像打扫烟囱一样 Like a chimney sweep.
我会非常的不安 I would just be all, you know, upset
因为我认为事情不得不这样 because of the way I thought that it had to be.
有一天我非常生气 就对她说 You know, I was so angry one day, and I said to her,
多米尼克不喜欢你 埃里克不喜欢你 "Dominic doesn't like you, Eric doesn't like you. "
你让我滚蛋 You told me to fuck off.
劳拉不喜欢你 你爸爸不喜欢你 "Laura doesn't like you. Your dad doesn't like you. "
你说 妈妈 去你的 或者差不多就这意思 You said, "Fuck you, Mom. " Or something like that.
我不喜欢你 狗都不喜欢你 "I don't like you, and the dog doesn't like you. "
嗯 我也不知道我当时在想什么 Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
我就是一点头绪都没有 I just really didn't have a clue about...
你挺完美的 You were perfect.
嗯 这样对她有些效果 Yeah, it kind of worked out for her.
简直起了很大作用 It worked out perfectly.
我度过了最好的童年 I had the best childhood.
我爱我的童年 I loved my childhood.
我度过了十分开心的童年 I had a very happy childhood.
我们那时的时光棒极了 And we would have the best days.
嗯 那差不多是我生命中最美好的时光了 Yeah, it was absolutely like some of the best times of my life.
你是个优秀的母亲 You were an amazing mom.
非常好 我感觉很好 Which is fine. I feel good.
大家伙儿 疯了才会去当妈妈 It's nuts being a mom, guys.
抚养孩子是非常开心的经历 Raising kids is an amazing experience.
我犯过些错误 但是最后我觉得没关系 I did some mistakes, but the end, I can see it's not as bad.
他们活下来了 尽管我们… They survived. In spite of us.
感谢上帝 Now, thank goodness...
她是个非常不错的女人 You know, she turned out to be the wonderful woman that she is.
我认为她很完美 I think she's perfect.
孩子出生时你有的那份爱 The love that you had when that kid was born,
你过去没体会过的 that you didn't have...
真是个奇迹 It is a miracle.
她会拥有那贤妻良母的身份 It's the wife that she is and the mother that she is,
我也为她感到骄傲 and I'm really proud of just her.
妈妈 对啊 Mom. Yeah.
作为母亲 她太棒了 她太棒了 She's so good, like a mom. She's so good.
谢谢你 妈妈 Yeah. Thanks, Mommy.
我认为她是世界上最棒的妈妈 So I think she's the best mom in the world,
我会说 "我希望我也能像那样好" and I go, "I wish, you know, I'd been more like that. "
哦 Oh.
我爱你 我爱你 宝贝儿 I love you. I love you, hon.
我爱你 妈妈 I love you, Mommy.
噢 Aw.
凯瑟琳 你说过这会有趣的 You said it would be fun, Kathryn.
别碰花我的妆 Don't touch my makeup.
看看这东西 See this shit?