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翻译：秋秋Elena 贝贝船长 我是人贩 沧飞
校对&时间轴：独醉 后期：鱼骨头 总监：青蛙
早上好 Good morning.
这个怎么关掉 How do we turn this off?
过来帮我关一下 Can you help me turn this off?
这个怎么关掉 你帮下我好吗 How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this?
谢谢 太谢谢了 我不是故意弄出噪音的 Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap.
早上好 Good morning.
你们中的大多数 Many of you are halfway through
在格林德尔刚上课半周 作为院长 your first week here at Greendale. And as your Dean,
我觉得应该 I thought I would
和大家分享一些智慧和灵感 share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration.
什么是社区大学 What is community college?
大家肯定听说了很多风言风语 Well, you've heard all kinds of things.
说我们是废柴大学 专收 You've heard it's loser college
差生补习班的少年 二十多岁的辍学生 for remedial teens, 20-something dropouts,
中年离异者 middle-age divorcees,
以及那些不活个万万岁不罢休 and old people keeping their minds active
怕自己染上老年痴呆的人 as they circle the drain of eternity.
听到的是这些 没错吧 That's what you heard.
不管怎样 祝大家好运 However, I wish you luck!
好了 现在 Okay, you know
等等 演讲还没完 Okay, there's more to this speech.
我掉了一张提示卡 There's actually a middle card that is missing.
大家看看周围有没有 Can we all look around our immediate areas,
因为我很想... cause I really wanted to...
其实我是阿拉伯混血 I'm only half-Arabic, actually.
我爸是巴勒斯坦人 他是美国公民 My dad is Palestinian. He's a U.S. citizen.
他不是个威胁国家安全的危险份子 He's not a threat to national security or anything.
很多人见过他后都想知道他是否危险 A lot of people want to know that after they meet him,
因为他脾气暴躁 但不是针对美国 because he has an angry energy. But not, like, angry at America.
只是痛恨我妈离开了他 Just angry at my mom for leaving him.
但我妈也是因为他太凶才离开的 Although she did leave because he was angry.
他凶我妈是因为她是美国人 And he was angry because she's American.
我叫阿布蒂 顺便说一下 My name's Abed, by the way.
阿布蒂 很高兴先了解你再认识你 Abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order.
我刚才问你的是... Now about that question that I had?
你问的时候是11点过5分 Five after eleven when you asked.
-阿布蒂 -什么事 - Abed? - Yeah?
认不认识那个西班牙语课的辣妹 What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class?
我打探不到 I can't find a road in there.
我只和她说过一次话 Well, I only talked to her once
因为她跟我借铅笔 while she was borrowing a pencil, but...
她叫布雷塔 28岁 生日在十月 Her name is Britta, she's 28, birthday in October.
有两个哥哥 其中一位 She has two older brothers and one of 'em
治疗儿童机能紊乱 这病我可能要去查查 works with children who have a disorder, I might want to look up.
而且她觉得 她明天考试肯定会挂 Oh, and she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test,
她要集中精力应付考试 so she really needs to focus
如果因此显得冷淡 她很抱歉 so she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.
老天 Holy crap.
阿布蒂 Abed...
我看到了你的价值所在 I see your value now.
这是别人对我说过的最贴心的话 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
不许进来 Absolutely not.
如果校方像我一样了解你 If these guys knew you like I did,
他们就会给你一间小办公室 they would've give you a small office.
杰夫·翁格 Jeff Winger!
法律天才 Genius at law.
快别夸我了 You got to stop saying that.
那可不行 请坐 I will never do that. Sit down.
我还是不明白 I still cannot figure out
你怎么让陪审团把911和我醉酒驾驶联系起来 how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUI,
更不懂 为什么这样我就无罪了 let alone why that helped.
2002年的日子比较好混 Well, 2002 was a simpler time.
律师大人 有何贵干 So what is my lawyer doing here?
我是这里的学生 I'm a student.
这里可不是静思自我的好地方 Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
我遇到了点麻烦 I am in a bit of a jam.
律师协会吊销了我的执照 The state bar has suspended my license.
他们发现我的大学文凭 They found out my college degree
不够合法 was less than legitimate.
我以为你有哥伦比亚[大学]的学士学位 I thought you had a bachelor's from Columbia.
现在我必须在美国拿一个学位 Now I have to get one from America.
电邮附件那种是不行的 And it can't be an email attachment.
那你就选对学校了 Well, you've picked a fine school.
是的 我希望我们的友谊 Yes, and I'm hoping that our friendship
能为我带来优势 will yield certain advantages.
-学术指导 -没错 - You know, academic guidance. - Yes.
精神支持 Moral support,
我选的所有课的 every answer to every test
所有考试的全部答案 for every one of the classes that I'm taking.
-这是我的课表 -不行 - Here's my schedule. - No.
杰夫 你提这个 Now, Jeff, just by asking that,
就已经侮辱了我们学校的正直与诚信 you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution.
废柴 这里不是厕所 Waster! Not a bathroom!
-不是厕所 -好的 - Not a bathroom. - Okay.
邓肯 在我说服12名陪审员的那天 Duncan, you did seem less into integrity
你可没这么正直诚信 the day that I convinced 12 of yours peers
我说你在高速公路上突然调头 that when you made that u-turn on the freeway
试图用紧急电话订墨西哥肉饼 and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box
唯一罪行就是热爱美国 你可没反对 that your only real crime was loving America.
我的确爱美国 很爱很爱 I do love America. I love it very much.
我也爱墨西哥肉饼 I love chalupas.
但是 But...
-我会试试 -谢了 - I'll look into it. - Thank you.
邓肯 你是个好人 Duncan, you are a good man.
杰夫 你知不知道俗话说 Jeff, are you familiar with the adage,
骗子不能飞黄腾达 "Cheaters never prosper"?
不知道 如果我真想学点什么 No, and if I wanted to learn something,
我是不会来社区大学的 I wouldn't have come to community college.
《废柴联盟》第一季 第一集
学西班牙语呢 Hey! Spanish.
别想着泡我 行不 Don't hit on me, okay?
我做梦都不敢 I wouldn't dream of it.
我只是想跟你说 我有个西语学习小组 I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group.
整堂课用手机玩宝石迷阵游戏的人 The guy who's playing bejeweled on his iPhone all class
竟然有学习小组 has a study group?
我能报两次名吗 Um, can I sign up twice?
我是冲着这学分好拿才选这课的 I'm taking the class as an easy credit.
其实我是西语家教 I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
有资格证书的 Board certified.
能用西语把你刚说的再说一遍吗 Can you say that in Spanish now?
我睡得很晚 西班牙语
再多一小时
别划伤我的车
我的西语 非常需要帮助 I really need help with Spanish.
我想也是 Yeah, I was willing to bet.
我叫杰夫或者老板[继续乱说] I'm Jeff...or Jefe.
学习小组4点在图书馆集合 The group meets at the library at 4:00.
我叫布雷塔 谢了 Britta. Thanks.
你会来吗 You're gonna be there?
再多一点 Poquito mas
这是"到时见"的意思 That means see you there.
要伪造一个学习小组应该不难吧 Shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right?
老天 对不起 Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry.
我是从小看电视长大的 I was raised on TV.
习惯性地认为 I was conditioned to believe that
五十多岁的黑人女性全是"啥都管"顾问 every black women over 50s are cosmic mentor.
那你有习惯付玉米卷的钱吗 宋灰 Were you conditioned to pay for your damn taco, Sein-field?
当然 非常抱歉 宋飞才对[《宋飞传》NBC经典喜剧] Yes, I'm so sorry. It's Seinfeld.
学习小组教室
欢 欢迎 Bien-- Bien-- Bienvenido.
欢迎[西语] Bienvenido.
太好了 过来吧 Hey, all right, come on in.
整张桌子都是我们的 Got the whole table.
-这是...-整间房都是啊 - Yeah, here's the, uh... - The whole room.
花名册 contact sheet.
把你的信息写上吧 Just put your stuff there.
老天 Man.
其他人都迟到了 Rest of the group is running late.
但我们俩可以先熟悉一下 But you and I can get acquainted.
今早你大概注意到了 You may have noticed this morning,
我不擅长闲谈 not so good at the small talk.
我喜欢来点实际的 讲讲你吧 Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?
这难道不是闲谈吗 That's not small talk?
说说你的情况吧 还有"上帝死了吗" What's your deal and "Is God Dead"?
[66年《时代》饱受争议的封面标题 杰夫故意扯个严肃话题]
好吧 你真的想知道我的情况? All right, you want to know my deal?
我高中时辍学了 I droped out of high school
因为我以为这样就可以 because I thought for some reason it
让"电台司令"另眼相看[另类摇滚乐队] would've impressed Radiohead.
乐队重出江湖后 让你另眼相看了吧 You'd be surprised what gets back to these guys.
我参加过和平志愿者队 I, um-- I joined the Peace Corps.
[肯尼迪总统发起的 志愿者到发展中国家提供技术服务]
曾做过脚部模特 Did a little foot modeling.
在世贸集会上中过催泪弹了 I got tear gassed at a world trade rally.
嫁给我吧 Marry me.
我想 杰夫 I guess, Jeff
我这个人 最根本的是看重诚实 My deal is above all else, honesty.
-诚实 -对 - Honesty? - Yeah.
你说实话 我就会喜欢你 You tell me the truth, I will like you.
你骗我 我就再也不会理你了 You lie to me, I will never talk to you again.
-这就是我 -非常好 - That's my deal. - Ah, that's a good deal.
那你呢 So what's your deal?
这个 我要说 Uh, I would have to go
不得不说 也是诚实 I would have to say, um, honesty...
因为 Because...
为了得到想要的 我什么都肯说 I would say anything to get what I want
而我想让你喜欢我 and I want you to like me.
所以 那个... So, uh--
这个答案挺诚实的 Wow. That's a very honest answer.
好吧 目前我喜欢你了 All right, for now I like you fine.
真的吗 Really?
你可真随和 Wow. You're easy.
那当然 Hell yeah.
阿布蒂来了 Abed in the house!
你怎么来了 Why?
布雷塔邀请我来的 没问题吧 Britta invited me. Is that cool?
我想不出任何合理的理由来说有问题 Oh, I can't think of a single logical reason why not.
-太好了 -坐吧 - Cool. - There you go.
这个给你 Oh, hey, here.
把你的联系方式写上 Put your contact info down right there.
-没错 -很好 很好 很好 - That's right. - Cool, cool, cool.
太好了 太好了 Cool, cool, cool.
我们这情况有点像《早餐俱乐部》 Hey, this is kind of like "Breakfast Club", huh?
[85年电影 5位高中生被留堂在图书馆后由敌视变为好友]
我们在图书馆 We are in a library.
我相信每个人都憋了一肚子烦心事 Yeah, I'm sure we've each got an issue balled up inside of us
只要一谈 大伙儿就会抱头痛哭[电影中情节] that would make us cry if we talked about it.
你心里有憋着什么吗 Do you have something balled up inside of you?
情绪化时 会觉得心腔有些异样 Well, I got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional.
有短信 Oh. Hey, text message.
我来读读这小家伙 Let's give this bad boy read.
这可能是私人短信 Hey. That's probably just for you.
我没收过这人的短信 I've never gotten one of these.
这短信 可能 你只要 They're-- It's probably-- You just--
说你要尿尿 我有话跟你说 "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
说你要尿尿 "Say you have to pee."
太奇怪了 That is weird.
说你要尿尿 我有话跟你说 "Say you have to pee. I need to talk to you."
-你要去尿尿吗 -不用 -Do you have to pee? - No.
-太奇怪了 -难住我了 - That's so weird. - Well, I'm stumped.
的确很怪异 That's very creepy.
-我也这么觉得 -你收到的是什么 - That makes two of us. - What's that?
[现在 橄榄球场谈 邓肯]
也是说你要去尿尿吗 Does it say you have to pee?
不是 有人发了一个 No, it's just someone
难以理解的缩写 with a misguided grasp of abbreviation.
我出去五分钟 I just need five minutes, you guys,
你们继续学动词 西语的 so go ahead and study all the verbs... in Spanish.
-阿布蒂 -什么事 - Abed? - Yeah?
你看那人怎么样 What's your read on that guy?
你长得好像伊丽莎白·苏[好莱坞著名女影星] You look like Elisabeth Shue.
表现得自然些 假装在看这些运动员们 Just act natural. Pretend you're watching the athletic proceedings.
你想拦着我不让看都不行 You couldn't stop me from watching them.
那位参加田径队选拔的老人家 There's a guy trying out for the track team
扑克牌的历史都比不上他悠久 that is older than the game of poker.
貌似有两下子啊 He is kind of cracking.
假如 我跟你说 Suppose I was to say to you
有可能弄到那些考试答案 it was possible to get those test answers?
我会说 去弄吧 I would say, "go for that,"
而且 这个回短信也能说 and could have said so in a text.
我是在问你 是否能分辨对错 I'm asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong.
我幼时发现 I discovered at a very early age
只要我说的够多 that if I talk long enough,
我就可以混淆对错 I could make anything right or wrong.
要么我是上帝 要么真理都是相对的 So either I'm God or truth is relative.
不论发生何种情况[律师常用语] 哈哈 And in either case, Booyah.
有意思 Oh, interesting.
只是正常人 是不会对道德相对论 It's just the average person has a much harder time saying,
脱口而出"哈哈"二字 "Booyah," to moral relativism.
邓肯 你没有必要扮心理医生 Duncan, you don't have to play shrink
来捍卫自尊 to protect your pride.
我接受事实 你是个胆小鬼 I accept. You're chicken.
你试图对一个心理学家用逆向心理来激将吗 Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?
我只是对一个英国的笨蛋窝囊废用普通的心理学 I am just using regular psychology on the spineless, British twit.
我是教授 你不能这样对我说话 I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way.
六岁的小姑娘都可以这样对你说话 A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way.
没错 那种情形会很可爱 Yes, because that would be adorable!
不 那是因为你是五岁的小妹妹 No, because you're a five-year-old girl
人家比你大 吼你是应该的 and there's a pecking order.
行了 我会去弄答案的 Fine! I'll do it!
谢谢 Thank you.
不用客气 Yeah, pleasure.
再见 Bye!
很好 非常好 Yes! Good!
为什么我还在吼 Why am I still shouting?
太高调了 I'm drawing attention to myself.
你们俩不会相信的 You guys aren't gonna believe this,
其他的组员 but the rest of the group...
在这里 Is here.
你是有资格证的家教吗 Are you the board-certified tutor?
就是说你能帮我做作业吗 美偶主持帅哥 That means you do my homework, right, Seacrest?
十点不结束 我就要打电话给临时保姆了 I need to call my babysitter if we're gon' be later than 10:00.
什么协会给家教颁资格证啊 What board certifies a tutor?
-布雷塔在哪里 -不知道 - Where's Britta? - Not sure.
但我从西语班多邀请了几位来 But I invited more people from Spanish class.
很棒吧 Is that cool?
棒得没法儿说啊 It's the coolest.
我要去洗手间 I'm gonna go to the bathroom
顺便带走我的外套 钱包还有钥匙 and bring my jacket, wallet, and keys with me.
以防火灾 In case there's a fire.
我们该和他一起走吗 Should we go with him?
我把作业留给"贫民窟的百万富翁" I'm leaving my homework with Slumdog Millionaire over here.
[08年奥斯卡最佳电影 主角是与阿布蒂相同肤色的印度人]
我认为他有种族歧视的倾向 That's borderline racist, I think.
抓到了 And busted.
听我说 Uh, listen.
现在你知道了 我是个烟枪 Now you know. I'm a smoker.
但这是过滤嘴的 抽起来很安全 Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe.
准备好开始了吗 You ready to get started?
貌似你的小组成员都到了 Looks like the rest of your group showed up.
实际上 那不是我招揽的 Yeah, not mine, actually.
我猜阿布蒂在分类信息网上打广告了 I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist.
我曾受训于绝不说出此话 And I was trained never to say this...
但我认为那个小组可能是朽木不可雕了 but I think that group may be untutorable.
是嘛 Oh, really?
所以 不如我们两个边学习边... So why don't you and I go study over some--
-吃饭? -或喝一杯 - Dinner? - Or drinks.
我觉得应该分清主次 I think, actually, we should prioritize here
先学习 再去吃饭 and study first and then go to dinner.
如果证实他们真朽木不可雕了 And if they really prove to be untutorable,
我们就提前溜走 we'll slip out early.
他们一定会是 Oh...they will be...
不可雕的朽木 untutorable!
好了 All right.
看看全体组员 Look at this crew.
都准备好通宵奋战了 All ready to study all night.
我至少可以待到10点 Well, I can stay at least till 10:00.
但谁会和陌生人一起学习呢 But who studies with strangers, right?
我叫杰夫 My name is Jeff.
杰夫 很高兴认识你 Jeff, it's a pleasure.
我叫皮尔斯·霍桑 没错 My name is Pierce Hawthorne and, yes,
就是那个霍桑纸巾的霍桑 that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes,
得过大奖的湿纸巾 the award-winning moist towellete.
我正准备问的 I was just going to ask.
我是个祝酒高手 所以或许 I'm also a toast master, so perhaps
-应该我来做引荐 -非你莫属 - I should do the introductions. - Definitely!
-你已经认识布雷丝了 -是布雷塔 -All right, you already know Brittles. - Britta.
阿布蒂 阿拉伯仔 Abed. Abed the Arab.
-这样不合适吗 -不合适 - Is that inappropriate? - Sure.
-罗伊 冒险小子 -是特洛伊 - Roy. Roy the wonder boy. - Troy.
-小公主伊丽莎白 -是安妮 - Little princess Elizabeth. - Annie.
最后 这位美艳不可方物者名叫雪瑞 And finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley.
接近正确答案吗 Is that even close?
我想知道为什么 我是因为意外才发现这小组的 I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident?
现在这情形更像是《早餐俱乐部》了 This is getting way more like Breakfast Club now.
有早餐吗 There's breakfast?
好了 我们可以开始 Okay, um, maybe we should get started--
我曾经参加过很多学习小组 You know, I've been a part of a lot of study groups,
但都因为未解决的矛盾而解散了 that fell apart because of unresolved tension.
先来解决安妮的疑虑吧 Shouldn't we address Annie's concern.
我们没邀请她吗 Did we not invite her?
安妮 甜心 这可不是背着你的 Well, Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back.
小南瓜和小甜心这些 可以省了吧 Can we stop with the "pumpkins" and the "sweeties"?
年轻 并不代表低人一等 Being younger does not make me inferior.
以你的年纪来说 If anything, your age indicates
也做过错误的人生决定吧 you've made bad life decisions.
雪瑞要对此做出回应 Shirley has a response to that.
不不不 我没有 No, no, no. I don't.
-说吧 看来你就是有话要说 -大胆说吧 - You should. It looks like you do. - Go ahead.
好 好 Okay, okay.
我确信自己曾做过错误的人生决定 I'm sure I've made some bad life decisions
也许安妮的决定会比较正确 and maybe Annie's decisions will be better.
但我想她得决定自己 But I think she needs to decide
是要被当作孩子对待 whether she wants to be considered a child
还是成年人 因为孩子得到怜惜 or an adult, because children get pity
但没有尊重 but not respect.
可成年人 能得到尊重 Adults, they get respect,
但也会得到被抓住后脑勺 but they also get the back of they head grabbed
摁在点唱机上的待遇 and their face pushed through jukeboxes.
不如我们学一下自动点唱机的西班牙语 Ok, why don't we try learning "jukebox" in Spanish?
-你干什么 -皮尔斯 - What are you doing? - Pierce!
讨论下你这诡异动作 Let's discuss this creepiness.
-你说什么 -你在干什么 - Pardon you? - What are you doing?
我是专业认证的 I'm certified.
难道你没意识到 雪瑞对你的求爱很反感吗 Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate?
什么求爱 What advances?
开学第一天起 You have been sexually harassing me
你就一直性骚扰我 since the very first day of class.
性骚扰 什么呀 Sexually harassing? What?
这对我而言说不通啊 That makes no sense to me.
我为何要性骚扰让我有性趣的人 Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?
伙计 说她让你有性趣就是性骚扰了 Saying she turns you on is the harassment, dude.
我可是一位杰出的商界领袖 I am a prominent business leader
还是一名很吃香的晚宴常客 and a highly sought after dinner guest...
我可不会接受十几岁小屁孩 And I will not take courting advice
的追女建议 from some teenage boy.
这个十几岁小屁孩 Well, this teenage boy
可是橄榄球四分卫兼毕业舞会之王 is a quarterback and a prom king.
你可不再是什么毕业舞会之王了 特洛伊 You're not prom king anymore, Troy.
这里可不是河畔高中 This isn't Riverside High.
你怎么知道我是那个高中的 How'd you know I went there?
因为你还穿着傻兮兮的带字母的校服夹克 Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket.
而且 代数课我就坐在你后面 And more importantly, I sat behind you in the algebra!
你就是那个磕药磕太多 后来退学的妞儿吧 Well, you're the girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out.
你是小药丸安妮 You're little Annie Adderall.
你还是个运动傻蛋呢 Yes, and you are a stupid jock
倒立啤酒桶上弄到俩肩膀脱臼 who lost his scholarship by dislocating
体育奖学金都泡汤了 both shoulders in a keg stand.
翻转倒立 Keg flip.
很难完成的 They're very hard to pull off.
你懂什么 我可是传奇人物 You don't know-- I'm a legend.
你们知道圣诞节我的礼物是什么吗 You know what I got for christmas?
那可是本德家辉煌的一年 It was a banner year at the Bender family.
我得到了一条烟 I got a carton of cigarettes.
老家伙抓着我说 The old man grabbed me, he said,
抽吧 强尼 "hey, smoke up, Johnny!"
不 老爹 你呢 "No, dad! What about you?"
好的 这个 Well, uh...that--
是《早餐俱乐部》的台词 that actually was from the "Breakfast Club".
没人能把宝贝丢在角落里 "Nobody puts Baby in the corner".
《辣身舞》台词[宝贝是电影中女主角的名字] "Dirty Dancing".
-你好 -我是邓肯教授 - Hello? - It's professor Duncan.
现在快来停车场 Come to the parking lot now.
你的声音怎么了 What's wrong with your voice?
伪装一下 I'm disguising it.
我很快回来 Uh, I'll be right back.
但在我离开后 你们必须 But while I'm gone, you guys need
通过讨论解决问题 to hash this stuff out.
想尽办法去讨论 No stone unturned.
开始 Go!
到车里来 Get in the car!
假装刚停车 或准备开车的样子 Act as if we've either just finished or yet to begin driving.
这是你这个学期的所有课程 Every answer to every test
所有考试的全部答案 in your curriculum this semester.
我知道你行的 老兄 I knew you could do it, buddy.
谢谢 Thank you.
等等 你个小贪婪鬼 Whoa there, grabby-grabby.
我有什么好处 What do I get?
把欠我的人情还清后的满足感 The satisfaction of being even.
扯平 公平 对与错 Even, fairness, right, wrong.
这里可没有上帝 哈哈 哈哈 There is no God. Booyah, booyah.
那你想要什么 What do you want from me?
你的雷克萨斯 Your Lexus.
一学期答案的价值 能和我的车比吗 My car for a semester's worth of answers?
难道只有一个学期吗 杰夫 Will it be just a semester though, Jeff?
接下来的四年大学 Won't you be taking the easy way out
你不想走捷径吗 for the next four years?
我要预付款 I want payment in advance.
我想要内置保暖设备的真皮座椅 I want leather seats with built-in ball warmers.
不痛不痒的唬人伎俩 正是你们 You know, bluffs this weak are how
英国佬失去美国殖民地的原因 your people lost the colonies.
取消律师资格听证会愉快 Have a nice disbarment hearing.
那我开什么 What am I supposed to drive?
你为何不开我这辆 可环保呢 Why don't you take this car? It's good for the earth.
用树叶擦屁股也环保啊 Yeah, so is wiping your butt with a leaf,
但人哪能这么混 but it's not how a man gets around!
车烂得跟高尔夫车一样 A golf kart!
里面完全是场灾难 It is a disaster in there.
是的 朽木不可雕 Yeah, untutorable.
你喜欢泰国料理吗 我非常爱吃 You like Thai food? I love Thai food.
等等 这是你的计策吗 Wait, so this is a game to you?
你煽动得群情激昂 You put human beings into a state
乱成一片 就是为了有机会上我吗 of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
你为什么不觉得我这么折腾是对你的恭维呢 Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?
好好 我很抱歉 Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry.
这是个意外 It was an accident.
我撒了点小谎 是为了接近你 I did a little bit of lying to get close to you.
但我怎么知道你既聪明又潇洒 But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool.
你长得很像伊丽莎白·苏[苏早期角色多为花瓶类型] I mean, you look like Elisabeth Shue.
-你真是荒谬至极 -你想要我做什么 - You're unbelievable. - What do you want me to do?
去做件像样儿的事吧 Oh, maybe one decent thing could be
进去收拾你的烂摊子 to go in there and clean up your mess.
听着 我就是这屋里的巴拉克·奥巴马总统 Okay, I am the Barack Obama of this room.
好吧 如果搞定了 就陪我吃晚餐 好吗 Okay, if I do that, then dinner, right?
好 随你的便 Yeah, fine, whatever.
难不成这世上有晚餐 能让我吃了 As if there's a dinner on earth that could
就能忘记你是个肤浅的人渣 make me forget you are a shallow douchebag.
当你看见我的新车时 就乖乖把这话收回吧 Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car.
好了 各位 All right, everybody!
我有些话要说 I want to say something.
坐下 Sit down.
你没必要大喊大叫 这语气我可不喜欢 You don't have to yell. I don't appreciate your tone.
你们知道人与动物的区别吗 You know what makes humans different from other animals?
脚丫子 Feet.
不不不 熊也有熊掌 No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.
我们是地球上唯一观看《探索频道》 We're the only species on earth
《鲨鱼周》的特种 that observes Shark Week.
鲨鱼都不看《鲨鱼周》 Sharks don't even observe Shark Week,
可我们看 but we do.
同样的道理 我可以拿起这支铅笔 For the same reason I can pick up this pencil,
告诉你他叫斯蒂文 然后这样做 tell you it's name is Steve, and go like this.
你们的内心深处 也有部分随它而去 And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside,
因为人类与万事万物都有联系 because people can connect with anything.
我们可以怜悯一支铅笔 We can sympathize with a pencil.
我们可以原谅鲨鱼 We can forgive a shark.
我们也可以给本·阿弗莱克 And we can give Ben Affleck
[本·阿弗莱克与马特·戴蒙于98年凭《心灵捕手》获奖]
颁奥斯卡最佳原创剧本奖 an Academy Award for screenwriting.
-咋颁给他了 -他说的没错 - Big mistake. - He's got a point.
人可以发现万事万物的优点 People can find the good
唯独看不到自身的长处 in just about anything but themselves.
就说我吧 Look at me.
对于你们来说 我是明摆着很厉害 It's clear to all of you that I am awesome,
但我绝不会承认 but I can never admit that,
那会显得我太自负狂妄 because that would make me an ass.
我能做的 就是发现安妮的过人之处 But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome.
她纯洁无暇 She's driven.
这个世界需要纯洁无暇 否则就暗无天日 We need driven people or the lights go out
冰淇淋也要融化了 and the ice cream melts.
还有皮尔斯 And Pierce.
我们需要像皮尔斯这样的人 We need guys like Pierce.
他能够出谋划策 This guy has wisdom to offer.
达赖喇嘛和我 The Dalai Lama and I--
有时我们应该听他说说 We should listen to him sometime.
我们不会后悔的 We wouldn't regret it.
还有雪莉 And Shirley.
雪莉已经得到了我们的尊重 Shirley has earned our respect,
不是作为一个妻子 一个母亲 not as a wife, not as a mother,
而是作为一个女人 but as a woman.
请别向她求证这点 And don't test her on that,
显然那个点唱机说的很具体很顺口 because that thing about the jukebox
一点也不像是没经验临场发挥出来的 was way too specific to be improvised.
还有特洛伊 And Troy.
谁在乎特洛伊觉得自己是世界第一 Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?
也许他是呢 Maybe he is.
你们以为宇航员跑去月球 You think astronauts go to the moon
是因为讨厌氧气吗 because he hate the oxygen?
不 他们是想回敬说 No, they are trying to impress
"高中毕业舞会之王 我们也不差吧" their high school prom king.
还有阿布蒂 And Abed.
阿布蒂是个善良巫师 Abed's a shaman.
你让他把盐递给你 You ask him to pass the salt,
他会给你一碗汤 知道为什么吗 he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what?
汤更可口 Soup is better.
阿布蒂更有情 Abed is better.
你们都比自己认为的棒多了 You are all better than you think you are.
你们只是在听到自我否定的声音后 You are just designed not to believe it
就故意否定自我的优点 when you hear it from yourself.
汤 Soup?
我希望在座每位都看着自己左边的人 I want you to look to the person to your left.
抱歉 Sorry.
看着坐你旁边的人 Look at the person sitting next to you.
看着她 好的 Look at her? Okay.
-这个 -对 - This? - Yeah.
我希望各位将对鲨鱼 铅笔 I want you to extend to that person
本·阿弗莱克的怜悯之情 the same compassion that you extend
也施与此人身上 the sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck.
我希望你对这个人说 I want you to say to that person,
我原谅你 "I forgive you."
-我原谅你 -我原谅你 - I forgive you. - I forgive you.
-我原谅你 -你个小笨蛋 - I forgive you. - You little twerp.
皮尔斯 我想听你说 我原谅你 Pierce, I'd like you to say, "I forgive you."
他没说吗 He didn't say it?
我原谅你 I forgive you.
你们不再是一个学习小组了 You've just stopped being a study group.
你们是一个不可战胜的集体 You have become something unstoppable.
在此我宣布 "联盟"诞生 I hereby pronounce you a community.
真不错 Oh, that's nice.
我喜欢 I like that.
这可不再像《早餐俱乐部》了 This isn't like "Breakfast Club" anymore.
现在像《乌龙大头兵》或者《肉丸》 Now it's like "Stripes" or "Meatballs".
[实力派明星比尔·默里 81年和79年主演的喜剧电影]
或是其他比尔·默里的非常棒的作品 Anything with Bill Murray, really.
我同意阿布蒂 这是个特别的夜晚 I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special.
现在 我先告辞了 And now, if you'll excuse me,
我和布雷塔约好共进晚餐 I have a dinner engagement with Britta.
布雷塔 Britta?
我骗你的 I lied.
谢谢你把大家安抚下来 Thanks for calming everyone down.
但因为你不是西语家教 But since you're not a Spanish tutor,
而只是个为了上到我 就恶意挑拨离间 just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone
的谎话精 in an attempt to get with me,
所以 如果你能离开这里 I'd appreciate it if you left
不再浪费大家的时间 我会非常感激 and stopped wasting all of our time.
大家准备好了吗 Everybody ready?
行啊 Fine.
我很高兴向大家宣布 And I'm happy to report
做谎话精的好处之一就是 that one of the benefits of being a lying creep
拥有明天考试的所有答案 is having all the answers to tomorrow's test.
我很乐意与那些 And I'm happy to share them with anyone
被我浪费的时间多于 whose time I've wasted more than
浪费我的时间的人分享 they've wasted mine.
杰夫 如果你有所有的答案 Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers,
干嘛这么折腾弄个学习小组啊 why the hell did you start this study group?
我没有什么学习小组 皮尔斯 I don't have a study group, Pierce.
瞎掰的 I made it up.
刚才那个"向左看"的演讲呢 What about the "look left" speech?
瞎掰的 我就是干这个的 Made it up. That's what I do.
我顺口瞎掰 还挣到大把钞票 I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money
然后 我才沦落到这个貌似学校的大屎坑 to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet.
我曾经是位律师 I was a lawyer.
老天爷 Oh, God.
这就说得通了 That explains everything.
我还以为你像比尔·默里的角色那般出彩 You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films,
原来你和迈克尔·道格拉斯的角色一样差劲 but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.
[曾是好莱坞著名花花公子 主演过《本能》]
-是吗 -是 - Yeah? - Yeah.
那么 你还有亚斯伯格症呢 Well, you have Asperger's.
是什么意思 What's that mean?
屁屁汉堡 "Ass burger."
-是严重的机能紊乱 -没错 - It's a serious disorder. - It really is.
如果真的很严重 If it's so serious
干嘛不直接叫脑膜炎 why don't they call it meningitis?
对啊 Yeah.
-屁屁汉堡 -献给屁屁的汉堡 - "Ass burger." - Burger for your ass.
哈哈
杰夫瑞 出言不逊之前 Jeffrey, before you say anything,
还是先想想自己得到的恩赐吧 you may want to think about the gift you've been given.
狠揍一个痞子的恩赐吗 An excuse to punch a hippy?
不 不是那个 No. No, not that.
我的朋友 是恩赐你的重要一课啊 An important lesson, my friend.
你瞧 你在花花世界讨生活的伎俩 You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there
在格林德尔是派不上用场的 will not help you here at Greendale.
我的朋友 你拥有的 What you have, my friend,
是诚实做人的第二次机会 is a second chance at an honest life.
明明学校就有快速缴学费通道 Why are people trying to teach me things
为什么是个人就想给我上课呢 at a school that has an express tuition aisle?
车钥匙还我 Give me my keys.
不 这是给你宝贵一课的学费 No, I have to keep the car for the lesson-- the less--
别打我 请别打我 Don't hit me. Please, don't hit me.
杰夫瑞 Jeffrey?
杰夫瑞 我们没事儿吧 Jeffrey, are we cool?
还好吧 Are we cool?
没事了 We cool.
我喜欢你 杰夫瑞 I like you, Jeffrey.
你让我想起当年的自己 You remind me of myself at your age.
我应得的"赞美" I deserve that.
告诉你 You know,
我离过七次婚 I've been divorced seven times.
有时 会觉得是自己做错了什么 Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong.
这么说 你屡败屡战啊 You keep getting married.
我笨 居然一直想着屡战屡败 I never looked at it that way.
你们不是应该在学习吗 Shouldn't you guys be studying?
你走后就有点无聊了 Yeah, things got kind of boring after you left.
我来问你点事儿 Let me ask you something.
自从我来上学 大家都觉得穿这夹克像小丑 People been clowning me about this jacket since I got here, but...
如果我为了他们高兴就不穿 if I take it off to make them happy,
这会显得我软弱 对吧 that just makes me weak, right?
听着 Listen.
没关系的 It doesn't matter.
你脱了夹克是取悦他们 You lose the jacket to please them.
穿着是让他们厌烦 You keep it to piss them off.
两者都是为了别人 Either way it's for them.
这才是软弱 That's what's weak.
哥们儿 我脑袋被你说浆糊了 You just wrinkled my brain, man.
-他可真能掰 -的确能掰 - He's good, isn't he? - He's real good.
你应该在铺满答案的床上乐得打滚儿才对啊 Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?
我没有什么答案 I don't have any of the answers.
我 我考试要挂了 I'm gonna-- I'm gonna flunk the test.
你只要学那么一个小时就行了 You just, like, study for, like, an hour.
又不是非常难 It's not that hard.
你看上去挺聪明的 你穿的可是西服外套 You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.
做聪明人 最有意思的就是 Well, the funny thing about being smart
你可以游手好闲的 is that you can get through most of life
度过人生中的大部分时光 所以 without ever having to do any work. So, uh...
我还真不知道该怎么去学了 I'm not really sure how to do that.
怎么了 What's going on?
你们能听到我说话吗 我聋了吗 Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf?
现在你们能听到我说话吗 Can you hear me talking right now?
-能 -能吗 - Yes. - Yes?
那就好 That's good.
知道吗 You know what?
杰夫 其实你不在我们也没学多少 Jeff, actually, we didn't get that far without you,
所以 如果你想回去... so if you want to come back upstairs--
真的吗 Really?
这可是你的学习小组 Well, it is your study group, so.
来吧 我们学习吧 Come on, let's study.
听起来不错 Sounds good.
不要有压力 No pressure.
很抱歉我说你像迈克尔·道格拉斯 I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas
我看到了你的价值所在 and I see your value now.
这是别人对我说过的最贴心的话 Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
缅怀《早餐俱尔部》导演兼编剧 约翰·休斯[1950-2009]