安妮 两个礼物吗 Annie, two gifts?
谢谢 Thank you.
我想送宝宝一个娃娃 Well, I wanted to get the baby a doll,
鉴于父亲可能是安德烈也可能是昌 and since the father might be Andre or Chang,
我希望照顾到两个人种 I wanted all ethnic bases covered.
所以送了一个非裔女娃娃 So there's a little African-American girl.
还有一封来自厂商的友好信件 And there's a very nice letter from the manufacturer
保证会扩大娃娃的人种范畴 promising to expand their selection.
大家喜欢蛋卷吗 Oh, is everyone enjoying their egg rolls
或者是叫麦粒粥 and/or mielie pap--
是一种加纳常见的传统玉米粥 a traditional maize porridge popular in Ghana?
安妮 其实婴儿洗礼是不分种族的 Annie, you are aware that baby showers can be race neutral.
是的 谢谢 安妮 考虑如此周全 Yes, thank you, Annie, for trying to be inclusive,
但不管出现何种偶然事件 but, um, regardless of any biological happenstance,
孩子都由我和安德烈抚养 this baby will be raised by Andre and I.
没错 这让我想起了 That's right. And I seem to recall a story
一个名叫约瑟的人的故事 about a man named Joseph
约瑟：《圣经》中耶稣之父
他欣然抚养了一个不是己出的孩子 who happily raised a baby that wasn't his.
史上最大的蠢蛋 History's greatest chump.
我们在说乔·肯尼迪吧 We're talking about Joe Kennedy, right?
乔·肯尼迪：全名乔瑟夫·肯尼迪 美国总统约翰·F·肯尼迪的父亲
没事 如果是我的孩子 我就当他可爱的叔叔 It's cool. If it's mine, I'll be a lovable uncle.
好吧 变态的叔叔 不能再降档了 Okay, a creepy uncle-- final offer.
这是我和特洛伊送的 This is from me and Troy.
当你的孩子成为核荒地 When your child is a lone scavenger
孤独的拾荒者的时候 in the nuclear wasteland,
净水就跟黄金一样贵重 Clean water will be worth its weight in gold.
我们本来是想送短管霰弹枪的 Yeah, we wanted to get him a sawed-off shotgun,
但那玩意现在价格已经贵起来了 but those are pretty expensive already.
抱歉 你们这种人吃这种东西吗 Sorry. You people eat this stuff?
我从来没见过 I've never seen that stuff in my life.
你不应该说"你们这种人"这种话 You know, you really shouldn't say "you people."
没事 Oh, it's okay.
皮尔斯很难在短期内 Pierce was having trouble
改掉那些言辞冒犯的口头禅 quitting offensive phrases cold turkey,
所以我们就做出了妥协 so we've created a bargaining system.
用"你们这种人"替换他的其他偏爱言辞 We traded "you people" for some of his other favorite phrases.
是啊 真是被犹太人摆了一道 Yeah, I really got... Jewish-personed out of that one.
-打开我的 -谢谢 - Here, open mine. - Thank you.
一把雪茄刀 Oh, a cigar cutter,
《马克西姆》杂志 还有辣酱 Maxim magazine, and hot sauce.
是主题礼物 It's a theme gift.
是啊 我觉得主题是 Yeah, I believe the theme is
"我家的东西" "Stuff lying around my apartment."
抱歉 我来迟了 Sorry I'm late.
大家能对我说声"你好"吗 Can I get a ni hao up in this hizzy?
这学校里的人怎么就那么纠结于人种问题呢 Why is everyone in this school obsessed with race?
白人都这样 White-people problems.
看起来不错啊 Ooh, that looks fun.
特洛伊 阿布蒂 刚才在门外 Oh, Troy, Abed, who was that cute guy
跟你们在一起的帅哥是谁 that I saw you outside with earlier?
是卢卡 我们的新朋友 Oh, that's Lukka. That's our new friend.
-他跟特洛伊一起上历史课 -是啊 他超赞 - He's in troy's history class. - Oh, yeah, he's awesome.
他有口音 自己卷烟 He has an accent. He rolls his own cigarettes.
他还玩我们玩的那款游戏 And he plays the same video games as us.
我们很喜欢他 We like him a lot.
所以不许你睡他 So you're not allowed to bone him.
你这么一说 她是睡定他了 You just guaranteed she'll bone him.
我矜持个什么劲 Mmm. Ugh, who am I kidding?
应该把这个涂到我的大腿上 I should be putting this right on my thighs.
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翻译：大卫熊 夕橙 山炮 小独
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校对：米粒 时间轴：崽猪
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后期：鱼骨头 监制：米粒
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《废柴联盟》 第二季 第18集 iTunes 720p版本调教：Tears
小心 阿布蒂 六点钟方向有个敌人 Watch out, Abed. There's a guy on your six.
所以我拿出了我的九毫米口径手枪 That's why I'm taking out my nine millimeter.
得了吧 Please.
在我的祖国 九毫米口径手枪 In my country, we give nine millimeter
是给小女孩16岁的生日礼物 to little girl for sweet 16.
-用榴弹发射器 -好 - Try grenade launcher. - Cool.
轻轻搞定啦 Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
有人吗 Knock, knock.
我就是过来看看 Hey, I was just stopping by.
来的不是时候吗 Oh, is this a bad time?
-是的 -是的 - Yeah. - Yeah.
先生们 不能这样对待美女 Gentlemen, it's no way to treat a girl that looks this way.
进来 Come in.
-我是卢卡 -布雷塔 - I'm Lukka. - Britta.
就像布兰妮·斯皮尔斯 Like, uh, Britney Spears.
跟布兰妮·斯皮尔斯一模一样 Exactly like Britney Spears.
用你的瓶中精灵震撼我 Hit me with your genie's bottle
布雷塔想唱布兰妮的成名曲《宝贝再一次》 结果混搭了克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉的《瓶中精灵》
抹遍我的全身 Rub it all over me
布雷塔要走了 Britta was just leaving.
不不 留下 No, no, no, stay.
你跟朋友玩吧 反正我得走了 Visit with your friends. I must go anyway.
-喔 -是啊 我要做猪肉炖菜 - Oh! - Yes, I'm cooking podvarak.
-我没吃过 -我可以给你做 - Oh, I've never had that. - I could make for you.
好 我把电话号码告诉你 Okay, I'll give you my number.
你们是她男朋友吗 You are her boyfriends?
我喜欢他们 I love these guys.
他们能发出好笑的声音 They make funny with their mouths.
给你 Here you go.
-我走了 -好的 - I leave. - Okay.
怎么 What?
-是他约的我 -不许你这样 - He asked me out. - You're not allowed.
-不许我这样 -你会毁了他 - Not allowed? - You'll ruin him.
-我会毁了他 -别在重复了 - I'll ruin him? - Stop repeating.
别...再谴责了 Stop rep...rimanding me,
解释一下我为什么会毁了他 and explain why I'll ruin him.
布雷塔 我们看上的哥们 你就去约 Britta, you date guys that we think are cool,
等你发现自己不再喜欢他们的时候 and when you decide you don't like them anymore,
你就给我们讲他们的坏话 you tell us horrible things about them
搞得我们都有阴影了 that we can never unhear.
举个例子 Name one guy I did that with.
-有个家伙 大个凯尔 -杰夫 - That one dude, Tall Kyle. - Jeff.
杰夫 我毁了杰夫? Jeff? I ruined Jeff?
你是说杰夫·玩奶头·翁格 Oh, you mean Jeff "Nipple play" Winger?
没有 你也知道 我们还在跟他混 No, as you can see, we're still hanging out with him.
你怎么样啊 杰夫 How's it going, Jeff?
答应我别跟卢卡约会 Promise me you won't date Lukka,
我就给你一件这个 and I'll give you one of these.
是我做的运动衫 It's a sweatshirt I made
参加去年彩弹射击大冒险的人都有 for everyone who was part of the paintball adventure last year.
你早就应该给我一件了 You should have given me one of those a long time ago.
我打得你们屁滚尿流 I kicked your asses.
别跟卢卡约会 Don't date lukka.
《瓶中精灵震撼我》 "Hit my genie bottle"?
唱的是啥啊 What the--what was that?
杰夫 杰夫 Ooh, ooh, Jeff, Jeff,
我希望你能帮我个忙 I was, um, hoping you can help me with something?
没问题 我看下 Sure. Let's have a look here.
一摞纸 Let's see, uh, pieces of paper,
钉在一起 上面很多字 stapled together, lot of writing.
恐怕我只能帮到这个地步 I'm afraid this is as far as I can go.
不不不 我不是让你看 杰夫 No, no, no, I don't want you to read it, Jeff.
我想让你帮我 让昌签了它 I want you to help me get Chang to sign it.
这是我让律师起草的 It's a little something-something
一份小东西 I had an attorney draw up.
这个小东西 This little something-something
是亲权的放弃书 is a forfeiture of parental rights.
考虑周全总比后悔要好 Mm-hmm. Better safe than sorry.
你为什么要我劝服昌 Why do you need me to make Chang
放弃一个可能是他骨肉的孩子? sign away his hypothetical baby?
他不是跟你一起住吗 Isn't he sort of living with you?
-这样不好 雪瑞 -你和他关系融洽... - Not cool, Shirley. - You have a rapport with him--
这样不好 雪瑞 Not cool, Shirley.
再有 作为你的朋友 我要告诉你 Besides, as your friend, can I tell you,
别提这岔事儿 Don't poke that bear.
我是说 你现在 I mean, I think right now
已经被保护得够周全了 you're as protected as you can get.
我看昌不像是想当爹的人 I don't see Chang as being a real hands-on baby daddy.
这么说咱都知道昌那家伙 Oh, so now we're all in the business of knowing
脑子里想的什么 是吗 what's going on in Chang's head, huh?
是吗 Huh?
好吧 看在娃的份儿上 Fine. For the child.
-上帝保佑你 -那你还来烦我 - God bless you. - Not lately.
那个 真不好意思 Oh, I'm, um-- oh, I'm so sorry,
但今晚咱们约会的事 but could you just not tell Troy and Abed
能别告诉阿布蒂和特洛伊吗 that we went out tonight?
没问题 No problem.
其实就是 他们很担心 It's just, um-- they're just really worried
如果咱俩 你懂得 约会见面的话 if you and I, you know, see each other
可能对你们仨的友谊会有点影响 that it's somehow gonna affect your friendship with them.
别担心 别担心 Hey, don't worry. Don't worry.
哥嘴可严着呢 I can keep a secret.
我可是从巴尔干半岛来的 I'm from the Balkans.
哥心里憋的事儿可多了 There are many things I try not to talk about.
卢卡 Lukka...
我就知道 I knew it.
我就知道你心底曾留有伤痛 I knew there was pain in there.
你要知道 Just so you know,
你大可以跟我推心置腹 you can talk to me about anything.
大肆杀戮 So much killing...
横尸遍野 The corpses stacked like firewood,
血流成河 the rivers red with their blood--
真怀念那种日子 I miss it so much.
哦 卢卡 Oh, Lukka.
等下 先问明白 Mm. Wait, just, um-- just to clarify,
你刚说怀念 when you say you miss it,
是指大难不死而心生愧疚的感觉吗 it's like--like you have survivor's guilt,
希望重返故土 like you wish you were back over there
保卫祖国的意思 是吧 defending the motherland, right?
对 劣等人用不正当手段侵占了我的祖国 Yes, I-I miss cleansing our fields and forests
我着实怀念那种追杀清洗的感觉 of the unclean people who stole my country.
想念烧毁村庄时火光冲天的味道 I miss the smell of the villages burning.
想念开着坦克 I miss the way they used to
看贱民四处逃窜的样子 run from our tanks in fear.
见鬼 Ah, damn it.
我邻居是个爵士乐手 My neighbor is jazz musician.
喂 斯潘塞 拜托 Hey, Spencer, come on, man.
哥这正泡着妞呢 I got woman in here!
真是的 Great.
这家伙最擅长破坏性致了 He really knows how to kill the mood.
你干吗呢 不是今天去找工作吗 What are you doing? Did you look for a job today?
本来是要去的 I was going to,
但我发现你的咖啡桌有点晃 but I noticed your coffee table's wobbly,
所以我决定修好它 so I decided to fix it.
肯定是地板的原因 It must be the floor.
别锯地板 什么都别锯 Don't saw the floor. Don't saw anything.
我快烦死收缴锯子了 给我 I'm tired of confiscating saws. Give me that.
拿着这个 Take this.
亲权 "Parental rights"?
-你要收养我吗 -是雪瑞给你的 - You're adopting me? - It's from Shirley.
表示你将孩子交由她跟安德烈抚养 It gives her and Andre the baby.
签字吧 Sign it.
要是有人问的话 Oh, and if anyone asks,
我会说这是本人最给力的演讲 this was my most convincing speech ever.
你哭什么啊 Why are you crying?
别跟我说你真想当爸爸 Don't tell me you actually wanted to be a father.
我不知道 I don't know.
也许吧 Maybe.
万一这是哥的最后一发了呢 I mean, what if this is my last chance?
咱私下里说 我把妹可不多 I mean, between you and me, I don't Chang a lot of chicks.
但当爹的一般都是有工作的靠谱男 But fathers are responsible. They have jobs.
你呢 你赖在别人家的沙发上 You, you crash on people's couches
睡觉时还乱抽抽 跟狗梦见撵兔子似的 and twitch in your sleep like a dog dreaming of a rabbit.
真的 你不 It's real! You don't--
等下 Wait.
这么说要是我有房有工作 So you're saying if I get a job and my own apartment,
雪瑞就有可能让我常伴我儿身边啦 Shirley might let me be part of my baby's life?
没错 Yes.
哥就是这个意思 That's exactly what I'm saying.
-所以这么说我可以 -放手去搏吧 - So does that mean I can...? - Go for it.
你从哪搞来这么多 Where do you keep getting these?
你们好 干吗去 Hey, guys, where are you going?
我们买些午餐 We're grabbing lunch for
然后和卢卡一起玩马拉松电子游戏 a Marathon video game session with Lukka.
很多是叉着吃的 哥不想满手沾油 Lots of fork foods--don't want to grease up the troops.
说到卢卡 Oh, speaking of Lukka,
你们到底对他了解有多少 how much do you guys know about him, anyway?
-干吗 -你是不是已经跟他交往 - Why? - Did you start dating him,
现在想过来跟我们吐槽 and now you want to tell us horrible things about him?
什么 哪有 What? No.
很好 因为卢卡正要教我们 Good, 'cause Lukka's gonna teach us
如何通过屠杀村民的家畜 how to break the will of an entire village
侮辱他们的朝拜场所 by killing their livestock
来摧毁整个村庄的意志 And desecrating their places of worship.
这听起来好恐怖 That sounds horrific.
受不了 女人总是喜欢大惊小怪的 Ugh. Girls are so un-desensitized.
杰夫瑞 Jeffrey.
-你们好 -你好 - Hey, guys. - Hey, man.
嗨 那个 昨晚跟昌同学谈心 Hi. So, um, how'd that little talk
谈的结果如何啊 go with Chang last night?
既然你问了 雪瑞 Yeah, about that, Shirley,
我可是使出浑身解数极力游说 I gave my most convincing speech ever,
-但没成功 -没成功 - and it didn't take. - Didn't take?
我们又不是要给他烫头 We're not giving him a perm, Jeff.
就只要他在协议上签个字而已 We just need to him to sign a contract.
说"要"可能有些言重了 Well, "Need" is-- is a strong word.
依我看 如果我们有书面保证 I think Shirley would feel more comfortable
雪瑞心里会更踏实一些 if we had something in writing.
当然 我相信我们夫妻同心 However, I believe that we can handle
其利断金 必能打倒一切拦路虎 whatever obstacle comes our way.
心肝儿 Aw, baby.
早上好 各位 Well, good, good morning, everybody.
你们看今天股市动向了没 Did you see the stock market today?
跌宕起伏 得找准方向 是吧 Up, down-- pick a direction, huh?
话说 我不知道你们怎么样 Man, I don't know about you guys,
我可是一早上都在看招聘广告哦 but I've been circling these want ads all morning.
现在 谁想放松一下 建个鸟窝啥的 Now, who wants to take a break and build a birdhouse?
昌 你又抽哪门子疯呢 Chang, what's going on?
我这是在重新振作啊 I'm just getting my act together.
咱可是马上就有娃的人了 I got a baby coming.
我几乎可以听到中国娃娃的小脚丫 I can almost hear the pitter-patter
噼里啪啦的从树梢中穿行而过 of little chinese feet across the treetops.
到那个时候 And when that happens,
我一定要做世上最好的爸爸 I got to be the best dad I can be.
对吧 杰夫 Right, Jeff, huh?
拜托 不要让我冷场嘛 Come on, don't leave me hanging,
我的大导师 my main mentor.
看 那上面写了"溜之大吉"耶 Oh, hey, is that a reason to leave?
杰夫瑞 让开 Jeffrey? Excuse me.
杰夫瑞 Jeffrey!
我问你一个问题 父亲之间的 Let me ask you a question, dad-to-dad.
请问 《识骨追踪》在五频道播 Why do I have to put the VCR on three
为啥我设置成录三频道 if 《Bones》 is on five?
杰夫 杰夫瑞 Jeff! Jeffrey!
我知道你丫不敢让孕妇追着你跑 I know you not gonna make a pregnant woman run.
我知道你丫也不敢让一孕妇 I know you not gonna make a pregnant woman
挺肚而出 主动走到你面前 walk this distance between us.
这么说我本来请你帮忙 So I ask you to help me,
而你却趁机找个理由 and you take that as an opportunity
让昌搬出你家吗 to get Chang out of your apartment?
如果我拦着别人振作起来 Hey, who am I to stand in the way
那我丫还算是个人吗 of someone trying to put their life together?
我成什么了 演日间剧的啊 What am I, daytime television?
真好玩 杰夫 Very cute, jeff.
要是以后某个看护周末里 Well, how cute is it gonna be
那疯子把我孩子挂狮笼上 when that lunatic is dangling my baby
你看看还好不好玩 over a lion cage on alternate weekends?
肯定相当好玩 是小狮子吗 Could be pretty cute. Are they baby lions?
这次你真是伤人品伤到底了 New low, Jeff, even for you.
雪瑞 Shirley-- -
我丫是不是不应该惹孕妇动怒 Right. I'm not gonna make a pregnant woman storm off?
看他们跑的 Look at them run.
这帮蛆虫样的贱民肯定到死也是蛆虫样 They must die like the maggots that they are.
卢卡 我原来都不知道杀村民 Whoa, Lukka, I didn't know we got extra points
-竟然还有额外加分 -他就是一神话 - for killing villagers. - He's amazing.
我还以为自己对这游戏了如指掌 And I thought I knew everything about this game.
布雷塔 Britta.
你好 卢卡 Hi, Lukka.
-不要啊 -难以置信 - No! - Unbelievable.
同志们 淡定淡定 我只是来 Guys, calm down. I'm just here
拿我的"星际迷奋斗在终极前线"帽子 for my "Trekkies do it in the final frontier" Hat.
那是我的帽子 That's my hat.
-真的吗 -是的 - Really? - Mm-hmm.
-你当真吗 -是的 - Are you sure? - Yep.
卢卡 你真的很擅长玩这个游戏 Hey, Lukka, you are really good at this game,
你玩的这么好肯定有什么特别的原因吧 and there must be a reason that you are so good at this game.
布雷塔 尽管你的调情功力足够欢乐的 Britta, though your flirtation technique is hilarious,
但是太令人分神了 It's distracting.
卢卡现在忙着砍人呢 Lukka is kicking serious ass right now.
他刚在农贸市场放了把火 He just set fire to a farmers market.
嘣 嘣 你死了 Bang, bang, you're dead!
下地狱找你狗娘哭去吧 Save your tears for your dog mother in hell!
好吧 Okay, fine.
等一等 Wait a minute.
你们有蓝光版的拳拳踢战警3: 终极神腿 You have DVD blu-ray disc Kickpuncher 3: the final kickening.
能不能借给我啊 You let me borrow, no?
谁也不借 对不起了 卢卡 Ah, no can do, Lukka. Sorry.
就因为有皮尔斯那种贱人 Thanks to guys like pierce
在我所有的碟片上都写了"此面朝上" who kept writing "This side up" On all my disks,
所以此后我所有的DVD都不外借了 I have a strict no-lending service on my DVDs.
如果要是有人打破这个规矩呢 What would happen if somebody broke that rule?
我就跟他绝交 They'd be dead to me forever.
那要不咱们找个时间 Maybe we watch kickpuncher 3:
一起看拳拳踢战警3: 终极神腿吧 the final kickening together sometime.
对 卢卡 我看可以 Yes, Lukka, maybe we do.
我 看 May...be...
可 以 we...do.
你可以走了吧 Would you please leave?
我不想再玩了 I don't want to play anymore.
-我觉得不舒服 -她太奇怪了 - I feel sick. - She's strange.
昌 我能跟你谈谈吗 Hey, Chang, can I talk to you for a second?
对不起 等我把鞋擦成镜子了再说吧 Sorry, can't talk till I see my face in this.
我能给你一些建议吗 Well, can I give you some advice...
父亲之间的 Dad-to-dad?
等一等 等一等啊 Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.
我的烟斗 My pipe. Okay.
好邻居 你想说啥 What's on your mind, neighbor?
我觉得你想重新振作起来 Look, I think it's great that you're trying to get
这样挺好 对不对 your life together, right?
但是为了你和雪瑞好 But for your sake and for shirley's,
我劝你还是稍微悠着点 I think you just need to relax a little.
我明白了 Oh, I see what's going on.
你怕了 You're scared.
觉得我威胁到你的地位了吧 Feel me coming up on your tail, huh?
不 不 不 No--no, no.
伙计 我当爹当了11年了 Man, listen, I've been a father for 11 years,
其中9年我都是个好父亲 and a good one for 9 of those.
他们生病的时候我在身边 Now, I'm there when they're sick.
我接送他们上下学 帮他们忙活作业 I pick 'em up from school, help 'em with their homework.
昌 父亲不是你装装样子就行了 See, Chang, it's not how you act,
你需要踏实地去做 It's what you do.
我也实干的好吧 Well, I do.
你以为台球桌的铝边是自己爬上去的啊 You think that pool table put aluminum siding on itself?
是啊 我说的不是这种事情 Uh, yeah, see, that's not what I'm talking about.
看来这条没说明白 可以继续讲别的 I'll go ahead and consider that point missed.
我收到你的短信了 怎么了 I got your text. What's going on?
出大事了 Something terrible has happened.
我的拳拳踢战警3: 终极神腿DVD不见了 My kickpuncher 3: the final kickening DVD is missing.
太糟糕了 Oh, that's awful.
有谁拿走了吗 会是谁呢 Somebody took it? Who would--
等等 拳拳踢战警3吗 Wait. "Kickmuncher 3"?
那不是卢卡想... Wasn't that the movie that Lukka was...?
你们该不会以为 You don't think...?
除非 Unless...
你们该不会是认为 但是 You don't suppose...? However...
别啊 No.
这也就意味着你们 That would mean that you guys
要和卢卡绝交了吗 绝对不行 would have to stop hanging out--no!
布雷塔我们有录像证明是你拿了那张DVD We have video of you taking the dvd, Britta.
什么 What?
你竟然还在自己的寝室里装摄像头 You have a security camera in your room?
这是我基于我自己的生活 It's for an extremely thorough documentary
做的一个超写实纪录片 I'm making on my life.
虽然大部分都是我看每日剧集的片段 It's mostly footage of me watching dailies,
但有时它就会派上用场 but every once in a while it comes in handy.
我不明白你为什么要这么做 I don't understand why you would do this
然后还诬陷卢卡 and then try to pin it on Lukka.
你现在已经开始以摧残好男人为乐了 Now you're just ruining cool guys for fun.
布雷塔 这样太残忍了 It's just cruelty, Britta.
你简直没有人性 你就是一个冷血动物 You're inhuman. You're an inhuman person.
你就是一个怪物 You're a monster.
卢卡才是真正的怪物 Lukka's a monster for realsies.
我这样做是不想让你们和他再交往下去 I did this so you guys would stop hanging out with him.
他是一个战犯 He's a war criminal!
布雷塔你就别在这丢人了 You're embarrassing yourself, Britta.
他是哪场战争的战犯啊 In what war is he a criminal--
为了争取我们好感的战役吗 The battle for our affections?
如果是巴尔干半岛上的种族屠杀呢 Uh, how about the genocide in the Balkans?
就知道你会这么说 Hmm, yeah, you would say that.
你刚因为未经允许擅自借走我们DVD You just got caught red-handed borrowing a dvd
被抓了个现行 without permission.
你们必须相信我 You guys have to believe me.
他比大个凯尔过分多了 He's so much worse than tall kyle!
好呀 杰夫 Hey, Jeff.
你好 Hola.
你在干吗 这些小鬼头是谁 What are you doing? Who are these tiny people?
我把雪瑞的小孩从学校接了回来 I picked up Shirley's kids from school,
正在辅导他们做西班牙语作业 and I'm helping them with their spanish homework.
别弄坏了我的开襟毛衣 Ow. Watch the cardigan.
搞什么 你图啥 What? Why?
证明我也可以做个好父亲啊 To prove I'm a responsible dad.
这只能说明你是一个绑架犯 This proves you're a kidnapper.
-你到底是哪根筋不对了 -我疯了呗 杰夫 - What the hell's wrong with you? - I am nuts, Jeff!
还不明白吗 Get with the program!
天啊 我都做了什么 Oh, my god. What have I done?
真不敢相信 我竟然说过你可以当个好父亲 I can't believe I actually said you could be a father.
-我可以的 -不 你不行 - I can be. - Oh, no, you can't.
你什么事都办不好 永远都是个废物 You can't be anything, and you never will.
我只是假装对你有信心而已 I pretended to have faith in you
指望你会主动让出沙发 卷铺盖走人 to get you off my couch and out of my apartment.
赶紧给雪瑞打电话请罪吧 Now, call Shirley and beg forgiveness.
孩子们 收拾东西好吗 Kids, why don't you get your stuff together?
我送你们回家 I'll take you home.
谁是雪瑞 Who's Shirley?
就是你们亲妈啊 笨蛋 It's your mom, dumbass.
我们亲妈叫洛坎达 Our mom's name is Loquanda.
喂 别搞种族歧视 Hey, hey, that's racist.
慢着 你们妈妈真叫洛坎达 Wait. Is your mom's name really Loquanda?
对啊 亏你还自称是她朋友 Yeah. You said you were a friend of hers.
连她叫什么都不知道 笨蛋 Why didn't you know that, dumbass?
我当然知道 I do! I...
懂装不懂 寓教于乐而已 Just playing a educational game with you!
-别扯了 -少跟哥来这套 - Right. - Don't give me that lip.
孩子们 走廊里等我好吗 Hey, kids, you mind waiting in the hallway?
-没问题 -去吧 - Yeah, no problem. - Go ahead.
走之前 有件事希望你能明白 I want you to understand something while I'm gone.
你是个人渣 You are a horrible human being,
从今往后 我不会再为你伤神 and I will never feel sorry for you again.
任你沉浮 自生自灭 I don't care what happens to you,
我回来时 不希望再看到你 and when I get back, I want you gone.
不劳费心 Oh, believe me,
到时哥一定远走高飞 I will definitely be far, far away from here.
警察叔叔好 请问一下 Hi, policeman, how much do you pay
匿名举报绑架 能拿多少钱 for anonymous tips about kidnappings?
好 我来举报 Okay, fine. This one's on me.
你可以走了 You're free to go.
你的钱包 钥匙 还有胸贴 Here's your wallet, keys, and pasties.
这是运动专用胸贴 They're nipple guards for running.
奥运冠军都用它 Olympic athletes use them.
老兄 我在最高设防监狱 Buddy, I worked at a maximum-security prison
一干就是七年 for seven years,
不过这么耽美向的东西 还是第一次见 and those are still the gayest thing I've ever seen.
是你孤陋寡闻吧 Well, I find that hard to believe.
杰夫瑞 我和孩子的妈妈谈过了 Jeffrey, I spoke to the boys' mother.
她撤销了指控 你还好吗 She's not gonna press charges. Are you okay?
我没事 Oh, I'm fine.
我整晚都在研习工艺美术 I spent the night learning arts and crafts
拜狱友沙布为师 from my cell mate, Chabo.
知道吗 用一支烟和告密者的脑壳 Did you know you can make an ashtray
就能做成一个烟灰缸 using only a cigarette and a snitch's forehead?
知道 Yeah.
听着 雪瑞 我... Look, uh, Shirley, I'm...
很抱歉我妄图利用 I'm sorry I tried to capitalize
你和昌的关系现状 on your situation with Chang.
接受道歉 Apology accepted.
关上一会 以示惩戒 Punishment is time served.
铁槛难阻本昌 唯我脱狱之王 There's no cell on earth that can hold Chang!
暗门秘道 我一清二楚 I know this place's secrets.
翁格 谢天谢地 你没事 Winger! Thank god you're all right!
我找遍了... 崔西美眉 最近还好吧 I've been looking all-- hey, Tracy. What's up, baby?
他们为什么逮捕昌 Why are they arresting Chang?
你不是说洛坎达不打算起诉吗 I thought you said Loquanda wasn't pressing charges.
她是不会起诉杰夫了 Mm-hmm, not against Jeff,
但我劝她对昌痛下狠手 But I talked her into going after Chang
告他危害儿童 for child endangerment.
雪瑞 如此判刑 少则三年多则五年 Shirley, he could get three to five years for that.
你真的想这样 Are you sure that's what you want?
只要集思广益 众志成城 Because if we put our heads together,
没准能让他刑期二十年往上 无期封顶 We could be rid of him for 20 to life.
-能成吗 -尽在掌握 - Really? - Oh, absolutely.
我只需要出面指证 All I'd have to do is testify
说他要贩卖这些孩子给我 that he tried to sell those kids to me
再摆出他教他们西语的事实 and throw in the fact that he was teaching them spanish,
任何一位称职的地方检察官 and any D.A. worth his salt
都会判他贩卖人口 can make a case for human trafficking.
这想法俺喜欢 I like how you thinking.
你们这是怎么了 What is wrong with you two?
为什么要这么对昌 Why are you doing this to Chang?
安德烈 这么做是为了我们 Andre, I'm doing this for us.
破镜重圆 阖家团聚之际 We have a second chance for our family,
我只希望事事顺利 尽善尽美 and I just want everything to be perfect.
想当初你也是这样 宝贝 Baby, that's what you wanted the first time around.
你竭尽全力只求尽善尽美 You did everything in your power to make everything perfect,
到头来却得不偿失 and look what happened.
难道你是想说 当初你红杏出墙 Are you trying to tell me you cheated
就是因为我一心为家 力求完美 because I wanted what was best for our family?
不 我出轨是因为没有担当 No, I cheated because I was a coward.
是你让我浪子回头 因为在我离开的日子里 But you took me back, because while I was gone,
你学会了包容瑕疵与不完美 somehow you learned to accept the bad with the good.
格林德尔功不可没 Oh, that's the Greendale effect.
我们的校训就是"随遇而安 得过且过" Our school motto is "Lower your standards."
听我说 我知道你对自己 Look, look, I know you are ashamed
和昌的所作所为深感羞愧 about what happened with chang.
奶奶的 难道我不是吗 Hell, I am too, all right?
但让那小男银身受牢狱之灾 But locking that little man up
也不会让我们的生活回归正轨 is not gonna make our lives any less crazy.
只会害得监狱天翻地覆 It'll only make prison crazier.
有道理 I guess you're right.
要想生活丝毫不乱也是不可能的 It's impossible to keep the chaos from your lives.
这个道理 是从我们看的那部 I mean, we learned that in that movie
好多恐龙的电影中学到的 we saw with all those dinosaurs.
-《侏罗纪公园》吗 -不是 这事一言难尽 - Jurassic park? - No, it's complicated.
够了 够了 暂停 Okay, okay, time-out.
抱歉 是我对不起你们 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
对不住你 你 还有花花型警 I'm sorry to you, you, officer baby.
来吧 Come on!
不 不要啊 No! No! No!
布雷塔 Britta?
怎么 又想叫我去做灭绝师太 What? You guys want me to ruin something for you?
好啦 别小题大做啦 Come on, you're being dramatic.
听过你的话之后 我们问过了卢卡 We asked Lukka a few questions after what you said.
他讲了自己那段服役往事 He told us about his time in the army
还有... and...
他的所作所为 The things he did.
那些画面在我脑中萦绕 挥之不去 I'm never gonna get some of those images out of my head.
有朝一日我去巴尔干群岛 If I ever go to the Balkans,
一定要备好外挂和通关秘籍 I'm bringing some serious cheat codes and walk-throughs.
为什么不早告诉我们 Why didn't you tell us sooner?
因为我实在不忍心 Because I didn't want to be the one
毁掉好友在你们心目中的形象 to ruin another guy for you guys.
布雷塔 告密说别人爱玩奶头 Britta, there's a difference between telling us
和告发别人荼毒生灵 a guy likes nipple play
这两种行为可是天差地别 and telling us a guy makes hats out of babies.
这样的事之所以会发生 I guess the reason this happened
大概是因为最近我们对你太苛刻了 is because we've been riding you kind of hard lately.
这样吧 我们保证以后对你推心置腹 How about from now on, we promise to go easier on you,
只要你别告诉我们 if you promise not to tell us
关于你男友的任何细节就好 any details about the guys you're dating,
除非他们搞种族清洗 unless they've committed genocide.
还有他们是不是左撇子 这个我想知道 Or if they're left-handed. I want to know about that.
我在做统计表 I'm making a chart.
说定了 Deal.
狂欢之夜被我搞砸了 I guess I ruined game night.
我真是个丧门星 I tend to ruin stuff.
-别这么说 -你才不是呢 - Come on. - You do not.
想跟我们一起看《鲶鱼》吗 You want to watch Catfish with us?
就是那部讲一个男生与美眉网恋 Was that the movie where the guy flirts with the girl online,
最后却发现对方是肥婆的电影吗 but then it turns out that it's a fat, old woman?
Facebook题材纪录片《鲶鱼》 二呆估计以为是恐怖片
对不起 Oh. Sorry.
没事 It's cool.
也说不定就是讲一条大鲶鱼的 Maybe it's about catfish.
玩的挺开心 Well, this was fun.