这个下午真诡异 Well, that was a weird afternoon.
虽然我知道皮尔斯加入了诡异虚幻的组织 I guess I knew Pierce was part of a weird, futuristic cult,
但我还是没想到在葬礼上 but I wasn't prepared for a funeral
居然会有这么多爆粗 with so much beeping.
别说人家了 Well, let's not judge.
每个人都有权利去选择 Everyone has a right to whatever fake religion
幻想中的虚假信仰 they delusionally choose.
阿布蒂 你站在棺材那里好久呢 Abed, you were by the coffin for a long time.
你还好吗 Are you okay?
我没事 不过... I'm okay. Although...
特洛伊和阿布蒂在悼念... Troy and Abed are in mourning...
你们别这样了行不行 Will you guys please stop doing that?
在葬礼致辞时居然还和声 I can't believe you did during your eulogy.
太不合适了 So uncomfortable.
我觉得听众似乎没感受到 I don't think the audience got that we were singing
「悼念」里「悼」是重音 "Mourning" with a "U".
你的重音在「悼」上吗 You were singing "Mourning" with a "U"?
天哪 Oh, no.
我还是不理解激光莲座佛学到底是什么 I still don't fully understand the laser lotus theology.
所以皮尔斯躺在棺材里 So Pierce's body is in the coffin,
我们把棺材埋了 and we buried it,
可是一个能量罐会储存他的... but this energon pod contains his life...
身体蒸汽 vapor?
没错 都写在他们分发的 Yeah, it's all right here
这份甚有说服力的宣传册里了 in this incredibly persuasive literature they passed out.
一旦达到16级 Once you reach level 16,
三只眼的卡通人物
就可以看到「三眼蓝绿怪」 you can see the Color Blurble.
卡通片什么的都是骗小孩的 Of all the ridiculous cartoon nonsense.
上帝不让这种动物出现是有原因的 If there is a blurble, the lord keeps it hidden for a reason.
各位怎么样啊 What up, n-bombs?
葬礼怎么样 是不是很爽 How was the funeral? Awesome?
昌 朋友的葬礼怎么可能爽 No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome.
很伤感 就是正常葬礼的感觉 It was deeply sad. You know, funeral style.
拜托 你们不是很讨厌皮尔斯吗 Excuse me. I thought you guys hated Pierce.
-我们根本不讨厌他 -别瞎说 - We did not hate Pierce. - Craziness.
你们现在这个态度 All right, are you sure you guys aren't
只是在假装「尊敬逝者」吧 just doing the "Respect the dead" Jig-a-lig?
我们可不是你 昌 I think you have us mistaken for you, Chang.
是吗 I don't know.
可是我记得 你们抱怨过他 I definitely remember you complaining about him
很多次 a lot.
那都是他还活着的时候 We complained about him when he was alive.
现在不一样了 This is different.
我们居然再也无法见到他了 Can't believe we'll never see him again.
人生苦短 要抓紧时间享乐 Just a reminder you gotta live life to the fullest.
皮尔斯在我这么大的时候 By the time Pierce was my age,
他已经被十五家公司辞退 he had already been fired from 15 jobs.
我却只看过两部「学警出更」[共七部] I've only seen two Police Academies.
最新两部 The last two.
他英年早逝 却会久久长存于我们心中 Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten.
你说得很对 翁格先生 I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger.
你谁啊 Who the hell are you?
我叫斯通先生 My name is Mr. Stone.
你说得倒轻巧 That's easy for you to say.
我们叫着也不累 And for us to say.
我为霍桑先生工作 I work for Mr. Hawthorne.
他在遗嘱中强调 He specified in his will that no matter
不管他的死亡状况 how natural in appearance
看起来多么正常 the circumstances of his death,
一定要进行私密调查 a private inquest should be conducted
确定他生前的学习小组成员 to determine whether any one of you,
是否对他进行了杀害 his former study group, murdered him.
什么 What?
首先 你们都将与测谎仪连接 To be cleared, you must all submit to a polygraph test.
我勒个去 Aw, schnizzle.
你们有麻烦了 You guys are in trouble!
回见 Later.
你应该就是昌老师吧 Mr. Chang, I presume.
你也是嫌疑人之一 You're also listed as a suspect
请配合调查 and requested to participate.
好吧 不过问题由我来问 Fine, but I ask the questions.
这恐怕不行 I'm afraid I can't allow that.
那好吧 后半句当我没说 All right, then just the "Fine" Part.
天哪 皮尔斯要撒气了 We're losing Pierce!
快点 Everyone, quickly!
快去拿个气球来 Someone get a balloon.
■
本字幕由人人影视字幕组翻译 禁止用作任何商业盈利行为
翻译：青椒 宁馨儿
翻译：大卫熊 废柴nova
翻译：虽然老头子很烦人但是大菜很不满它换人 祝舒妹新婚快乐
时间轴：Poxle
校对：夕橙
后期：鱼骨头
总监：夕橙
废柴联盟 第五季第四集
我一直挺想试试测谎仪的 I always wanted to try a polygraph.
就像警匪片里的抓小偷桥段 They're like the pie fight of cop movies.
或者是法律体系的针灸疗程 Or the acupuncture of the legal system.
皮尔斯居然觉得我们会杀他 I can't believe Pierce would think we might murder him.
是啊 根本用不着杀 Yeah, what a waste of murder.
他都79岁高龄了吧 I mean, he was, like, 79.
虽然你们可能都不在意 I don't suppose anyone wants to know
但我觉得这属于诽谤 I consider this a violation.
算了 皮尔斯就是这个性格 Come on, it's just Pierce being Pierce.
这也是他的遗愿 It's his final wish.
我的遗愿一定会是继续活下去 If I had a final wish, I'd use it to stay alive.
那就开始吧 从谁开始呢 Let's do it. How do we begin?
我们从派利小姐开始 We're to start with Miss Perry.
-你的姓名是 -布雷塔·派利 - State your name. - Britta Perry.
你对皮尔斯·霍桑先生 Have you ever had any thoughts of violence
是否有过暴力倾向 towards Pierce Hawthorne?
-没有 -谎言 - No. - Lie.
好吧 我有时候可能会想要扇他耳光 I mean, I may have wanted to slap him now and again,
但我没杀他 but I didn't kill him.
你以皮尔斯·霍桑为对象进行的性幻想中 In all your sexual fantasies about Pierce Hawthorne,
没有谋杀他的情节吗 none of them involved his murder?
什么 没有 What? No.
不过你确实对霍桑先生 But you have had sexual fantasies
有过性幻想 about Mr. Hawthorne.
没有 你这是什么问题 No! What kind of question is that?
我可以向你保证 I'm asking the questions
我提出的一切问题 just as mr. Hawthorne wrote them down,
都出自霍桑先生之手 I assure you.
翁格先生 你的名字 Mr. Winger, state your name.
杰夫瑞·翁格 Jeffrey winger.
-你是基佬吗 -不是 - Are you gay? - No.
-你确定你不是基佬吗 -确定 - Are you sure you're not gay? - Yes.
-基佬凶手的话可信吗 -什么 - Gay murderer says what. - What?
他说的是实话 He's telling the truth.
我受到指示必须指出你就是基佬 I've been instructed to point out that that means you're gay.
伯纳德太太 Ms. Bennett.
-你的全名 -雪瑞·伯纳德 - State your name. - Shirley Bennett.
你不诚实 对吗 Are you a dishonest person?
-不对 -她内心承认了 - No. - She thinks that's true.
你想怎么说都行 Uh, you could have just said no.
我都看着呢 你假装摆弄科学仪器 I'm watching you acting scientific
时不时加入自己的主观色彩 and then adding your little every now and again.
对吧 继续 Huh? Continue.
你是反堕胎组织「爱护胎儿」的白金级 Is it true that you're a platinum level donor
捐赠者 该事是否属实 with the pro-life organization prenatal patriots.org?
-什么 -淡定 姐们儿 - What? - Keep it cool, girls.
钱是我的 怎么花是我的事 It's my money. It's my choice.
对 如果想让政府关心我的子宫 Yeah, well, if I wanted the government in my uterus,
我直接在里面填满票子和拉美选民就好了 I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.
姑娘们 冷静点 Keep it frosty, ladies.
控制好情绪 Don't let your goats get gotched.
巴恩斯先生 你的全名 Mr. Barnes, state your name.
特洛伊·巴恩斯 Troy Barnes.
靠 我本来想说「屁卡」的 D'oh! I meant to say, "Butts Carlton."
他确实是这么想的 He did mean to say, "Butts Carlton."
巴恩斯先生 霍桑先生告诉你 Mr. Barnes, did you get angry when Mr. Hawthorne told you
胖子阿伯特死于糖尿病时 你是不是很生气 Fat Albert died of diabetes?
对 全美人民都气坏了 Yes, like any American would.
-气到想杀了他吗 -没有 - Angry enough to murder him? - No.
你和阿布蒂·纳德尔 Is it true that you and Abed Nadir
精心策划了一个末日逃亡计划 have an elaborate doomsday escape plan
应准备应对僵尸入侵 是否属实 to be used in the event of zombie attacks?
我们是定了一个会合地 We may have a designated rendezvous point
准备了几个逃难包 and a couple of bugout bags
里面装满了金币和套套 filled with gold coins and condoms
只是为了防止哪天突然就要上船 just in case we need to bargain our way onto a boat.
金币是用来买食物的 The gold coins are for buying food.
你的末日逃亡计划考虑到 Does your doomsday plan account for the welfare
你的其他朋友了吗 of any of your other friends?
-下一个问题 -正面回答问题 - Pass. - Answer the question.
-没有 -特洛伊 太伤人了 - No. - Troy! Rude!
这是末日逃亡哎 又不是野餐 It's a doomsday plan, not a picnic plan.
就为了坐个船 你们真愿意目睹 Do you really wanna see the horrors
我们将承受的那些苦难吗 we might have to endure just to get on a boat?
-应该不愿意 -撒谎 - I guess not. - That's a lie.
他又来了 He's doing it again.
皮尔斯又来了 Pierce is doing it again.
昌先生 你的全名 Mr. Chang, state your name.
本杰明·富兰克林·昌 真相时刻为你敞开 Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth.
绝无隐瞒 开炮吧 Nothing to hide. Let's do this.
你是否在自习室里「撸过」 Have you ever masturbated in the study room?
-纳德尔 全名 -阿布蒂·纳德尔 - Mr. Nadir, state your name. - Abed Nadir.
你是否对他人进行过恐怖袭击 Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?
-没有 -你小时候 - Nope. - When you were a child,
用弹弓打死过一只松鼠 did you ever kill a squirrel with a slingshot
你惊讶自己没有丝毫良心不安 于是乎 and was surprised that you felt nothing and wondered
你开始寻思下次是否能拿人当靶子 是不是 if you were capable of doing it to a human?
不是 No.
你和特洛伊是否仍经常不经杰夫的允许 Do you and Troy still actively use
就使用他的奈飞[在线DVD租赁商]账号 Jeff's Netflix account without his permission?
-等下 搞毛 -你告诉皮尔斯了 - Wait, what? - You told Pierce that?
你在我们家登陆之后 You logged in at our place
一直没退 我们就接着用了 and never logged out, so we use it.
我的差评老是在变 Is that why my review of the grey
原来是你干的 is constantly changing?
对 别给四星了 Yes, stop giving it four stars.
我超爱利亚姆·尼森[辛德勒名单主演] I like Liam Neeson!
那请转告他挑角色的时候长点心吧 Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.
问题不是这个 你这是盗窃行为 Look, this is not the issue! You're stealing from me!
作为你的室友 你把我也变成了从犯 And as your roommate, you're making me an accomplice.
-事实上我毫不知情 -撒谎 - I had no idea. - Lie.
我干嘛要跟高科技较劲呐 Why would I even try that?
姑娘 你的全名 State your name please, Miss.
安妮·埃迪生 Annie Edison.
埃迪生小姐 你是否用你过人的智慧 Miss Edison, did you use your exceptional intelligence
和杰出的组织技巧密谋了一次简单白目的谋杀 and organizational skills to plot the foolproof murder
杀死了皮尔斯·霍桑 of Pierce Hawthorne?
哎哟 没有啦 Aww! And no.
你是否向特洛伊和阿布蒂 Is it true that you overcharged Troy and Abed
收取了过高的租金 for their share of the rent?
死皮尔斯 Pierce!
安妮 Annie?
是的 但我有正当原因 Yes, but for a good reason.
你们不会理财 You guys know you're bad with money.
我从你们的租金里抽取10刀 I padded your share of the rent by $10
然后存进银行 and I've been putting it into a savings account
有4%的收益呢 that yields 4%.
六年后你们发现账户里有86刀的时候 You'll be thanking me in six years
就会感谢我了 when you find out you have $86.
够买一件夹克呢 That's jacket money.
听到了吗 阿布蒂 Oh, did you hear that, Abed?
虽然我们现在洗纸盘 自制牙膏 We've been washing paper plates and making our own toothpaste.
但别着急 But don't you worry.
等机器人登上月球 When we have robot bodies on the moon,
我们就能同穿一件免费的夹克了 we can share a free jacket.
安妮 除了圈钱你真该干点别的啊 Annie, you should know better than to horde money.
真是一成不变 That's a stereotype.
-这是反犹太主义吗 -不 是太敏感 - Was that anti-semitism? - No! That's sensitivity.
明知道自己是犹太人还这么做 It's anti-semitic to do things like that
这才是反犹太呢 when you know full well you're jewish.
我们可以拿那钱买个轮胎 We could have bought a tire
做轮胎秋千呢 for our tire swing with that money.
或者自己注册个奈飞账号 Or your own Netflix account?
-利亚姆·尼森一般般 -你根本不会打分 - Liam Neeson? Not that great. - Your rating system is flawed.
好了 All right!
开始吧 Let's begin.
等等 Wait, wait.
你说「开始」是什么意思 What do you mean, "begin"?
第一轮校准问答结束 That completes the calibration round of questioning.
我们可以开始正式讯问了 We're ready to begin the formal inquest.
我觉得可以结束了 I think we're ready to end.
我们忍够了 We've humored this long enough.
杰夫 都是为了皮尔斯 Jeff...It's for Pierce.
尊重逝者只是因为 Look, respect for the dead is only a thing
他不会再给我们带来伤害了 because the dead usually don't do any more damage.
真理啊 That's true.
不能由着你们想走就走 You can quit any time you like.
不过我应告知你们霍桑先生的资产价值 But it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's estate
超过2000万美元 is worth over $20 million
只有洗清谋杀嫌疑的人 and only those cleared of his murder
才能得到遗产 can receive their bequeathments.
我只说一次 I'm only gonna say this once.
显然 皮尔斯想要把我们引入 Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us into a labyrinth of
一场情感操控和战略性教唆的迷宫 emotional manipulation and strategic instigation.
我认为我们有这个判断能力 And I think we're all smart enough to know
知道我们应该在陷得太深前退出 we should quit while we're not ahead.
-我的确这样认为 -是的 没错 - I do believe we should... - Yes, definitely.
-在陷得太深前退出 -绝对的 - Quit while we're ahead. - Absolutely.
他们都在说谎 They're all lying.
我们心里清楚 你个评判别人的贱人 We all know that, you judgmental bitch!
改良的新佛教 皮尔斯·安纳斯塔西亚·霍桑 五级激光莲座巫师 注意: 内有人类生命 不要打开顶盖
派利小姐 你光顾过伯纳德太太和霍桑先生 Miss Perry, have you eaten at the sandwich shop
联手开的三明治店吗 started by Mrs. Bennetter and Mr. Hawthorne?
光顾过 Yes.
你在雪瑞的店里点什么三明治 And what sandwich would you order from Shirley's Sandwiches ?
唯一的素食三明治 海伦大豆不加蛋黄酱 The only one I can, the helen of soy with no mayo.
-海伦大豆 -你知道雪瑞为了省钱 - Helen of soy. - Are you aware that in order
不再使用真正的豆腐 to save money, Shirley stopped using real tofu
而是换了中西部的豆腐替代品 and replaced it with a midwestern tofu substitute
「肉腐」 called "Meatfu"?
老天啊 Oh, my god!
不是肉 从法律上讲 It's still not actually meat...legally.
你从来不尊重我尊崇的东西 You have never respected anything that I hold sacred!
-抱歉 -雪瑞 你知道 - I'm sorry! - Shirley, did you know
布雷塔在你儿子洗礼上 吸大麻吸嗨了吗 that Britta was high on marijuana at your son's baptism?
啥玩意 I'm sorry?
-没比平常嗨 -说谎 - Well, no higher than usual. - Not true.
你在我家教堂吸毒 You did drugs in my church?
没有 我在你家教堂的停车场吸的毒 No, I did drugs in the parking lot of your church.
不然你要人家 How else do you expect somebody
怎么熬过这么长时间 to sit through something like that?
至少犹太割礼还有点紧张气氛 At least with a bris there's an element of suspense.
那下次 我让「奇昌二人组」暖场好了 Well, next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!
喜剧组合
伙计们 这些问题就是为了 Guys, these questions are obviously designed
让我们窝里斗 to turn us against each other.
如果我们不想让皮尔斯得逞 If we want to beat Pierce at his game,
我们就得承认错误 并原谅彼此 we have to own up to our mistakes and forgive each other.
翁格先生 你收集约炮对象的战利品 Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies
是真的吗 of your sexual conquests?
在教堂吸毒 布雷塔 In a church, Britta?
丢人 For shame.
那是上帝收信的地方 It's where jesus gets his mail.
回答问题 艾德里安·恶心迪 Answer the question, Adrian Grody!
我知道皮尔斯在指什么 I know what Pierce is referring to.
我公寓里有一箱别人落下的东西 I have a box of forgotten items in my apartment.
我是单身 客人总会落东西 I happen to be a single male. Visitors leave things.
其中一个战利品是派利小姐的小内内吗 Is one of your trophies a pair of Miss Perry's panties?
你跟我说是一只鹰偷走的 You told me a hawk stole them!
你剥削了我 还让我相信 You exploited me and made me believe
一个稍稍有魔法的世界的存在 in a slightly more magical world.
如果你想收集女人的内衣 If you want to collect women's underwear,
直接买不就好了 can't you just buy them?
得是在性斗中赢下的才行 They have to be won in battle.
恶心死了 Gross!
-杰夫瑞 -赞 - Jeffrey! - Awesome.
我想我们能达成共识最恶心的是 I think we can all agree that the gross thing here
皮尔斯乱翻我的东西 is that Pierce is snooping through my stuff.
不怎么恶心 我和阿布蒂经常翻你东西 Not really, Abed and I go through your stuff all the time.
你为什么把面包放冰箱里 Why do you keep bread in the freezer?
为什么一起雾 你洗手间镜子上会出现 And why does your bathroom mirror say,
「你很特别」的字样 "You're special," when you fog it up?
我不必回答这些问 Look, I don't have to answer these--
-你还进去冲澡了 -是的 - You took a shower? - Yeah.
-巴恩斯先生 -好吧 是我干的 - Mr. Barnes. - Okay! I did it!
是我杀了皮尔斯 Okay? I killed Pierce!
-说谎 -很好 - Lie. - Okay, good.
就是确定一下 Just making sure.
你和阿布蒂是有一种特殊 You and Abed Nadir have a specialized,
专有的握手吗 从不对其他朋友使用 exclusive handshake that you refuse to do with your other friends?
当然 Absolutely.
巴恩斯先生 是你创造的这种握手吗 Mr. Barnes, did you invent that handshake?
是的 Yes.
说谎 Lie.
巴恩斯先生 你是订阅了 Mr. Barnes, are you a subscriber
「朋友好有趣」播客吗 to the video blog "Fun For Friends"?
-没有 -说谎 - No. - Lie.
安静 你个巫婆 Silence, witch!
嗨 我是凯文 Hi, I'm Kevin,
他是凯尔 教给大家一种 this is Kyle, and here's a fun handshake
跟最好朋友握手的有趣方式 you can do with your best friend.
好了 感谢收看 All right! Thanks for watching, guys.
别忘了点赞 评论 订阅 Don't forget to rate us, comment, and subscribe.
没法正视你 Can't look at you right now.
那你应该知道我泪流满面 Then you should know I'm crying.
我原谅你 不过只是为了避免落入 I forgive you, but only to escape the established pattern
「自以为是的愤慨后立即现世报」的固有模式 of self-righteous indignation followed by immediate comeuppance.
纳德尔先生 Mr. Nadir.
好吧 该来的终会来 Okay, I guess it's happening anyway.
你伤了我的心 继续 You broke my heart. Continue.
你在小组每个人身上放置了定位追踪装置 Is it true that you planted geo-trafficking devices
以便知晓每个人随时随刻的所处位置 on everyone in the group so that you would know
-是不是真的 -是的 - where they are at all times? - Yes.
你们怎么变脸了 Okay, you guys are changing your faces.
生我气还是饿了 Are you mad at me or hungry?
你在追踪我们 You're tracking us?
我们生你气 阿布蒂 We're mad at you, Abed.
-为什么 -因为我们已经 - Why? - Because we already live
生活在一个被极权主义监控的环境下 in a totalitarian surveillance state.
难道你从来不看我的状态更新吗 Do you not read my status updates?
但我不是政府 我是你的朋友 But I'm not the government. I'm your friend.
政府就是这么说的 大猎手 That's what governments say, nimrod.
挺酷的 当你们谁被绑架的时候 It's cool. When one of you gets kidnapped,
你们就不用在车厢里 you'll be glad you don't have to count
数高速公路上的减速带了 the bumps on the highway from the trunk of the car.
那些一闪一闪的点是我们吗 Are those blinking dots us?
那个在边上的点是什么 Well, what's this one all the way to the side?
那是皮尔斯下葬的地方 That's where Pierce is buried.
你在棺材前呆那么长时间就是为了这个东西吗 Is that why you were spending so much time by the coffin?
我想拿回来 那东西很贵的 I was trying to get it back. They're expensive.
反正他不会再移动了 And he's not moving anymore.
阿布蒂 你把跟踪器藏哪儿了 Abed, where did you plant these things?
你们找不着的 这么说你们会开心点吧 If it makes you feel any better, you'll never find them.
我知道你明知自己不该未经我们同意就这么做 I know you know it's wrong to do that without telling us.
-你真不要脸 -好吧 我承认 - Shame on you! - Okay, I'm ashamed.
-说谎 -说谎 - Lie. - Lie.
埃迪生小姐 你是否曾给小组成员 Miss Edison, is it true you once secretly dosed
偷偷服用过 The members of your study group
安非他明[抗抑郁药] With a pharmaceutical amphetamine?
-内啥 貌似 有过吧 -神马 - Oh, uh, yes, kind of. - What?
它的副作用没有说明书说的那么可怕啦 It sounds worse on paper than it was.
当时我们正在复习人类学的期末考 We were cramming for the anthro final.
但大家都昏昏欲睡 Everyone was falling asleep.
我只在你们的咖啡里 I put 5 milligrams of something-something
加了5毫升的那东西 然后大家都考了A In your coffees and we all got an "A."
就这样 Done!
就因为跟踪定位你们 我被当作坏人 I'm a bad person for tracking your location,
但你肆意改变了我的脑化学反应 But you altered my brain chemistry?
那周我亢奋了整整3天 I was up for three days that week.
我甚至创造出了一门语言 I invented an entire language,
你这个...[请见《阿布蒂词典》] You fliztbarping gitzgorg.
-对不起 -你损伤了我的大脑 - I'm sorry. - You messed with my brain.
你摊上事了 摊上大事了 That's a big deal. This is a big deal.
我可不会伤害你的身心 安妮 I don't mess with your brain, Annie.
-你其实伤害过了 -我不觉得 - You kind of do. - I don't think I do.
她在Facebook上的虚拟男友呢 What about her Facebook boyfriend?
-什么 -这不一样 - What? - That's different.
你编造了个虚假的身份 You made a profile for a fake dude
还虚情假意地勾引她网恋 And lured her into an online relationship.
他这是个网恋骗子 He's catfishing you.
你就是高额宽颌的奥运撑杆跳种子选手 You're Olympic pole-vaulting hopeful Brent Underjaw?
我发现只要你一恋爱 I noticed whenever you were in a relationship,
你就会哼着小曲做煎饼早餐 You hummed a lot and made pancakes in the morning.
我并不想伤害你 It wasn't about hurting you.
我这么做都是为了早餐 I did what I did in the name of breakfast.
我对你可是掏心掏肺的 I bore my soul to you!
我就连迪士尼梦幻牵手的心事都告诉你了 I told you about my holding hands at disneyland fantasy.
你还有点人性么 阿布蒂 Do you care about people at all, Abed?
对着测谎仪回答 Answer on the polygraph!
杰夫叫我申请残疾人专用车位 Jeff made me apply for handicapped parking
以方便他停车 So he can get a better spot.
是布雷塔邀请了盖瑞特 Britta's the one that invited Garrett
参加安妮的生日派对 To Annie's birthday party!
只要是杰夫坐过的马桶 特洛伊都不愿坐 Troy won't sit on a toilet seat after Jeff!
和我独处时 雪瑞把你们叫做 When we're alone, Shirley refers to you guys
「那些家伙」 As "Those people."
和其他人在一起时 安妮会说 Oh! When Annie's with other females, dude,
杰夫是她叔叔 She calls Jeff her uncle!
雪瑞认为我们都会下地狱 Shirley thinks we're all going to hell!
-你们就该下地狱 -所以嘞 - You are all going to hell! - Oh, what?
大家 冷静 Guys, stop!
不要再让皮尔斯挑拨我们了 We have to stop letting Pierce do this to us!
翁格先生 刚才这段时间内 Mr. Hawthorne hasn't asked a question
霍桑先生并没有发问 In quite some time, Mr. Winger.
他说的没错 He's right.
我差点忘了皮尔斯已经不在了 I actually forgot for a second that Pierce was dead.
也许这正是他想要的 Maybe that's what he wanted.
也许他想让我们知道 Or maybe he wanted us to know
没有他我们好不到哪里去 we're no better off without him.
至少没他过得好 Or no better than him.
他的目的达到了 不是吗 He kind of nailed it, didn't he?
我不仅在自习室「撸过」 I didn't just masturbate in the study room.
我在所有地方都「撸过」 I masturbated everywhere.
所有地方 Everywhere!
自白确实有益身心健康 Confession is good for the soul.
你们有空也试试 You should try it sometime.
如果你们不反对 我还有一些问题 There's another round of questions if you'd like to continue.
你之前激起的公粪[愤]我们还没弄干净 You want to give us a moment to sit in our own filth
你居然还敢继续接着来 Before you heap another bucket on us?
我们都认识了那么多年 It's strange after all these years
却还藏着掖着这么多秘密 How much we've kept hidden from each other.
本以为我们早该进步成更好的人了 You'd think by now we would have learned to be better people.
就因为我们以为有「更好的自己」存在 I think we got into this mess by thinking
我们才会落得这般田地 there was such a thing as better people.
等等 我懂了 Wait. That's it.
如果我们并不比皮尔斯好 If we're no better than Pierce,
而皮尔斯也不比我们坏 这说明 and Pierce is no worse than us, then that means
一开始就没有所谓的坏人 nobody's really that bad.
就算我们是为了蝇头小利 So what if we're willing to suffer and inflict pain
而不惜令他人和自己痛苦 这又如何 at the mere prospect of material reward?
即使现在改邪归正 我们也不会变得更好 If we stop now, that doesn't make us better.
那么做只会令我们变得伪善 It just makes us so dishonest that we would rather be poor
我们宁愿装穷 都不愿承认自己装逼 Than admit we're flawed.
但皮尔斯既没装逼 也不用装穷 Pierce admitted he was flawed, and he died rich.
让我们诚实地为他悼念 Let's celebrate his life and death in the honest way,
与其在棺材边假惺惺地说好话 Not by saying fake nice things around a casket,
还不如承认「人不为己天诛地灭」 But by admitting we're monsters
并理直气壮地偷花一点他的钱 And clawing joyfully for some of his cash.
继续问答之前 大家还有想说的吗 So does anybody have anything left before we continue?
所有的谎话就在这儿一吐为快吧 Let's empty our tanks of lies once and for all.
我是杰夫·翁格 如果让我选的话 I'm Jeff winger, and if I had my choice,
我宁愿看自己的裸体 I would rather look at myself naked
也不要看枕边那个人的 Than the women I sleep with.
是我在停车场撞坏了杰夫的雷克萨斯 I'm the one who hit Jeff's Lexus in the parking lot.
不是卖墨西哥卷的小哥撞的 It wasn't a taco truck, and it was racist of me
我更不该编这种带种族歧视的谎话 to improvise such an ethnically specific vehicle.
只有当身边有人同行时 I only give money to homeless people
我才会施舍零钱给流浪汉 when I'm walking with someone.
我从没去过乐高主题乐园 I've never been to Legoland.
我只想让你们觉得我很酷 I just wanted you guys to think I was cool.
我有时会消极对抗 I can be passive-aggressive sometimes.
竟然没人反驳我 Don't everybody disagree at once.
老天 我又来了 Oh, Lord, I did it again.
只要有人嚼口香糖 我就想抽他 When any of you chew gum, I want to punch you.
嚼口香糖好比在嘴里开冲锋枪 You may as well have submachine guns in your mouths.
嚼得我头骨乱颤 It vibrates my skull.
大家都说完了吗 好的 Everybody clear? All right.
斯通先生 开始提问吧 Mr. Stone, hit us with your grand finale.
让各种问题来得更猛烈些吧 May it be as brutal as we deserve.
很好 Very well.
开始霍桑先生的最后一轮提问 Mr. Hawthorne's final round of questions.
布雷塔·派利 Britta perry...
你是否知道 你不该如此厌恶自己 Do you know that you hate yourself more than you should
你的激情令我倍受鼓舞 And that your passion inspired me?
不知道 No.
是真话 她不知道 That's true. She didn't know.
给派利小姐我装满歌曲的ipod nano To Miss Perry, I leave my ipod nano
可以让生活少些严肃 filled with music to take life less seriously by.
太温馨了 Oh, that's nice.
还有液氮制冷罐保存的 I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder
我超级雄壮的精子 of my hyper-virile sperm
以免你的女同生活过腻了 in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out
寻思着孕育一支天才军团 and you wish to raise an army of geniuses.
雪瑞 Shirley...
你的贡献不能仅仅造福了 Did you know that you are not only a credit
你的种族和性别 更造福了全人类 to your race and gender, but to our species,
我被你的骨气和商业头脑 and that I was intimidated by your strength of character
-深深的震撼了 -必须的 - and business acumen? - Yes.
给雪瑞·伯纳德 To Shirley Bennett,
我在佛罗里达宽敞的度假别墅 I leave my spacious timeshare in florida...
她可以带着某某男子 Where she can take what's-his-name
还有生多少孩子就带多少孩子去 and however many children she has now.
我也给你留了一罐精子 I also leave you a cylinder of my sperm.
安妮·埃迪生 Annie Edison...
我最爱你了 知道吗 Did you know that you were always my favorite?
你提过一次 但是... You mentioned it once, but--
我将此皇冠留给你 你曾经拒绝接受过 I leave you this tiara, which you once refused to accept.
这顶皇冠曾是我戴过的 It's the same tiara I used to wear
当时我妈妈用语言羞辱我 when my mother would verbally assault me
说我怎么不是个小姑娘 for not being a little girl.
还有精子 Also sperm.
杰夫·翁格 你是基佬你知道吗 Jeff Winger, did you know you're gay?
-不是 -保留意见 - No. - Agree to disagree.
给你 这瓶上好的威士忌 To you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch
这样你就不会喝 So that you're less tempted to drink
我这罐上好的精子 this cylinderof even finer sperm.
阿布蒂·纳德尔 你是个疯子 你知道吗 Abed Nadir, did you know that you are insane
你说的话我从来没听懂过 and nothing that you said ever made any sense to me?
-对 -给你精子 - Yep. - Here's your sperm.
特洛伊·巴恩斯 你现在正在享受 Troy Barnes, did you know that you possess
生命能给予的最棒的礼物 the greatest gift life can give--
英雄之心 是否像我一样将它浪费掉 The heart of a hero-- and that it's up to you
取决于你的决定 懂了吗 not to waste it like I did?
似乎懂了 I think.
给特洛伊 义不容辞地将我的精子留给你 To Troy, I leave the obligatory sperm.
可能是每个人都有一罐 Maybe it's because everyone else got one,
也可能因为这是老男人的精液 And because it's an old man's semen,
可是 我有点失望 but, um, I'm kind of disappointed.
除此之外 我准备将我所有的 In addition, I am prepared to leave Troy Barnes
霍桑纸巾公司的股份给特洛伊·巴恩斯 my remaining shares in the hawthorne wipes company,
目前价值1430万美元 currently valued at $14.3 million.
只有一个条件 On one condition.
首先你要驾驶我的船 幼稚大富翁号 You must first sail my boat, the Childish Tycoon,
独自环游全世界 by yourself around the entire world.
什么 What?
又是诱导转向法 Again with the bait and switch.
我23岁的时候 When I was 23,
我的父亲让我做同样的事 my father asked me to do the same thing
让我获得成熟 获得他的财富 to earn my adulthood and his fortune.
当然我作弊航行到伯利兹沿海 Of course I cheated and floated off the coast of belize
跟约翰·丹佛吸了一年大麻 for a year doing coke with John Denver.
我一直都很后悔 I always regretted it.
想给你一个完成我从来没有做到的机会 I'd like to give you a chance to do what I never did:
独立成人做真汉子 Become your own man.
好 我是一名律师 特洛伊 Okay, I'm a lawyer, Troy.
完全可以 It should be possible
对这些无理条件提出质疑... to contest these conditions as unreasonable...
-我会完成 -这样皮尔斯的各种计谋 - I'll do it. - And Pierce can take his mind games
-和他的精子都可以... -我会完成 - and his sperm and he can put-- - I'll do it.
什么 What?
特洛伊 Troy?
皮尔斯是个老疯头子 没错 Pierce was a crazy old coot, yeah,
但是我觉得他了解我 But I think he knew something about me
有些东西我以前都没意识到 that even I didn't know until now.
而且他要给我一些 Because he's offering me something
我终其一生追求的东西 I've been searching for my whole life.
成千百万美元 Millions of dollars.
还有成为 他刚刚说的那种真汉子 And being a man or whatever he said.
杰夫 快说两句 Jeff, say something.
我哑口无言 I'm speechless.
谁来说两句 Somebody say something!
阿布蒂 Abed?
酷 酷酷酷 Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
谎话 That's a lie.
结果那精子一出来 And that sperm came down.
我又不能说别的 I couldn't say anything! .
我的老天爷啊 我要炸了 But oh, my God! I was gonna explode!
还有那个 最后一轮问题 And then that one, that last question,
所有的好东西都放到台面上了 with all of that nice stuff out on the table,
你们几个还在讨论 and you guys were having this discussion
要不要放弃 about whether or not to quit?
最开始我想的是 啊啊啊啊 At first, I was like, "Aaaaah!"
但是你做到了 But you did it!
你做到了 You did it!
太棒了 It was amazing!
你真是太棒了 哥们 你太棒了 You're amazing, man! You're amazing!
同志们 这真是太好了 Guys, this is the best.
我们每周来一次吧 We should do this every week.
我真人很幽默吧 是不是 Oh, I'm a fun guy, you know?
你们还说撒谎 I mean, you talk about lying.
我一直都在撒谎啊 I was lying the whole time.
这才是我的样子 这才是我 This is who I really am. This is me.
这才是真的我 我是艺术家 This is the real me. I'm artistic.
创意如尿崩 源源不断 Ideas come to me all the time.
我有一个电影的创意 I have this idea for a movie.
是关于一个监视测谎测试的人 It's about this guy who oversees polygraph tests,
他最大的阻碍 是他英俊的面容 and the biggest obstacle is how good-looking he is.
让人们没办法集中注意力说真话 People can't focus and tell the truth.
不可思议啊 It's unbelievable.
顺便问一下 By the way, uh,
我们一直不知道皮尔斯是怎么死的 we never found out how Pierce died.
我的天啊 Oh, my God.
我居然没跟你们说 I can't believe I didn't tell you yet.
是精尽而亡 为了灌满给你们的罐子 It was dehydration from filling up all of those cylinders.
我也想这么个死法 但咱还是很有料的 I mean, it's how I want to go, but, hey, I'm a little nutty.
你们想的和我一样 对不对 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
上酒 Shots!