翻译: 截蜜 月饼 J.T.F
校对: 少女Amber 怪查理
亲爱的Gwen Dear Gwen,
昨晚我做了个很美的梦 I had an amazing dream last night.
后期: 怪查理
我们在瀑布旁野餐 We were having a picnic by a waterfall.
你做了酸黄瓜火腿三明治 You made us ham and pickle sandwiches
我说你做的比普雷特里的还好吃 and I told you they tasted better than Pret,
普雷特 英国快餐连锁店
压制: 怪查理
你笑了 可我说的是真心话 which you thought was funny even though I wasn't joking.
你夸我英俊不凡 我为你吉他弹唱 You said I looked handsome and I sang you a song with my guitar,
略有些诡异 因为我不记得有带吉他 which was weird because I didn't remember bringing a guitar,
不过一切只是梦罢了 but that's dreams for you.
然后我们用各种体位做爱 Then we made love in loads of positions
多数是后入式 因为那是你的最爱 but mostly doggie style cos I know that's your favourite.
而后梦中醒来 心中只余痛苦 I woke up after that. Now all I remember is the pain.
我好想你 Gwen I miss you, Gwen.
没有你 我活不下去 I can't go on without you
因此 And that's why...
我决定了结此生 I've decided to kill myself.
爱你的 Andy Love, Andy.
如果你还爱我 打给我
姐姐来电
嗨 我是Andy 请在"呕"声后留言 Hi, this is Andy, leave a message after the...
Andy你在吗 快接电话 Andy? Are you there? Pick up.
要是你听到还不接 If you're listening to this and not answering,
老娘就和你断绝关系 I disown you as my brother.
就这样 我要挂了 十 九 That's it. I'm hanging up in ten, nine,
八 七 六 五 eight, seven, six, five,
四 三点五 三 二 一 four, three and a half, three, two, one...
- 最好有好事找我 - 谢天谢地你在这 - This better be good. - Shit! Thank God you're there.
- 怎么这么久才接 - 没啥 - What took you so long? - Nothing.
- 看毛片呢 - 好吧 别说了 - Just watching porn. - OK, TMI.
- 是这样 你能替我去接Roly放学吗 - 谁 - Right, can you pick Roly up from school for me? - Who?
- Errol 你外甥 - 噢 对 Errol - Errol? Your nephew. - Oh, right, Errol.
- 呃 不行 - 我去 Andy - Uh, yeah...No! - Shit, Andy.
我什么时候求过你 When have I ever asked you for anything?
没错 为什么现在要开始呢 Exactly, so why start now?
因为我给我认识的所有靠谱的人都打了电话 Because I've called every responsible person I know
没人有空 拜托了 算我求你了 and they're all busy. Come on, please, I'm begging you.
- 我真的得挂了 - Andy 等一下 - I'm actually going to hang up now. - Andy, wait! Wait!
等等 求你了 Wait, please. Please.
听着 我刚下课 绝对来不及去接他 Listen, I've just got out of class and there's no way I can pick him up
然后准时送他去足球训练了 and get him to football on time.
- 那就错过训练呗 有什么关系 - 有关系 很有关系 - So he misses football. Big deal! Yes, it's a huge deal, actually!
如果耽误了训练 被他那个混球老爸发现了 He misses football and his dickhead dad finds out,
对我争夺抚养权没有好处 拜托啦 it could ruin the custody case. Oh, come on.
你还有什么更好的事要做吗 Have you really got anything better going on?
致Gwen
废柴舅舅
第一季 第一集
电波诚译
嘿 Hey.
嘿 小混蛋 Hey, little fucker.
嗨 有什么能帮你吗 Hi, there. Can I help?
呃 老师好 我来接Errol的 Uh, hello, Miss. I'm here to pick up Errol.
我是他舅舅 I'm his uncle.
是吗 我从来没见过你 Really? I've not seen you before.
照我看 你有可能是个拐卖小男孩的怪叔叔 You could just be some weirdo looking to steal young boys, for all I know.
抱歉 我开玩笑呢 Sorry, I'm joking.
你姐姐打电话说了你会来的 Your sister called to say you'd be coming.
我忍不住逗逗你 Roly 你舅舅来了 I couldn't resist. Roly, your uncle's here for you!
我还不知道Roly有个舅舅呢 你们关系亲密吗 I didn't know Roly had an uncle. Are you two close?
当然 我们是死党 Yeah, yeah. We're like best mates.
我就像他的第二个爸爸 I'm like a second dad to him.
经常带他出去吃披萨 Take him out for pizza all the time...
他不是对小麦制品过敏吗 I thought he was allergic to wheat.
没错 可我知道一家店是无谷的 He is, but I know a little place that is wheat-free all the way.
- 这样啊 - 他总让我想起我小时候 - Right. - He reminds me a lot of myself at that age.
- 当然他没我帅了 - 显然 - I mean, not as good looking, obviously. - Obviously.
他真是磨叽啊 呵呵 Takes his time packing, doesn't he?
- 那你是做什么的 - 我是个音乐家 - So, what do you do? - I'm a musician.
噢 音乐世家 Roly钢琴弹得挺好的 是吧 Oh, musical family. Roly's quite the piano player, isn't he?
是吗 我是说 没错 是的 Is he? I mean, yes, he is..
我毫无保留地言传身教呢 那必须的 I mean, I taught him everything I know, so he should be.
那么 你是做什么的 So, what do you do?
- 我是一名老师 - 噢 对 是的 - I'm a teacher. - Oh, yes, of course.
就是确定一下 Just checking!
嘿 哥们 击个掌 Hey, mate. Up top!
Roly就是这样 总是错过击掌 That is classic Roly. He is always missing the high five.
- 对了 我叫Andy - Melodie - My name's Andy, by the way. - Melodie.
Melodie 名字真好听 Melodie? That's got a nice ring to it.
那么 再见了 Bye... Bye, then.
快点 我很忙的 Come on, I haven't got all day.
"嗨 Andy舅舅" "Hi, Uncle Andy."
"多谢你来接我" "Thanks for picking me up."
"你肯定有很多更重要的事情要去做" "I'm sure you've got lots of more important things to be getting on with."
为什么我妈妈没来接我 Why couldn't Mum pick me up?
她死了 我来接你去认尸体 Because she's dead. I've come to take you to identify the body.
一点都不好笑 That's not funny.
我就是个司机 又不是谐星 Well, I'm only a chauffeur, I'm not a bloody comedian.
快点 Come on!
你能不抽烟吗 我过敏 Do you mind? I'm allergic to cigarettes.
- 什么时候开始的 - 从我出生起 - Since when? - Since my whole life.
- 呃 Roly - 别这么叫我 - So, Roly... - Don't call me that.
好吧 Errol 你足球踢得好吗 Fine, Errol. Are you any good at football?
- 你不用这么做的 - 做什么 - 硬聊 - You don't have to do this. - Do what? - Make small talk.
- 我们可以不说话的 - 好吧 - We could just not talk. - Fine.
听着不错 就这样安静地坐着 That's absolutely fine by me. We'll just sit in silence.
非常好 That's great.
就静静地坐着 不说话 We'll just sit here in silence, not talking.
好吧 你在干嘛 OK, what are you doing?
我在数你能安静多久 I'm counting how long it'll take you to start talking again.
好 很好 那就别聊那些有的没的 Yeah, great. OK, brilliant. We don't need to do small talk.
直奔主题吧 Let's jump straight into the big stuff.
你有女朋友吗 Do you have a girlfriend?
没有 你得先爱上某人才能让她做你女朋友 No. You have to be in love to have a girlfriend.
我告诉你什么是爱吧 Let me tell you about love.
坠入爱河时 就如同在水上行走 When you're in love, it feels like you're walking on water,
然后你惊觉 and then you realise,
"噢 等等 我不是走在水面上" "Oh, hang on, I'm not walking on water,"
"我是溺水了" "I'm actually drowning."
然后有条鲨鱼咬掉你的脚 你叫道"啊啊 我的脚" Then a shark bites off your foot and you go, "AH! AH! MY FOOT!"
这时候又来一条鲨鱼 Then another shark comes along
它直向你的小鸡鸡冲过来 and it goes straight for your cock and balls!
你大叫"救命啊 来人啊 救命" And you're going "Save me! Somebody, save me!"
接着有只海鸥把你从水里拉出来 你想 Then a seagull plucks you out of the water and you think,
"我得救了 得救了" "I'm saved! I'm saved!"
然后海鸥把你扔到凹凸不平的石头上 and then he drops you on to the jagged rocks
你就像个烂西瓜一样爆炸了 and you explode like a rotten watermelon
满地都是鲜血 内脏和断骨 and there's blood and guts and broken bones everywhere
你就想"好吧 至少情况不能更坏了" and you think "Well, at least it couldn't get any worse."
然后土狼来了 把你吞掉 And then that is when the hyenas come along and eat you up
你知道你最终会变成什么吗 Errol and you know what you end up being then, Errol?
知道你最终会变成什么吗 Do you know what you end up being then?
就是一堆土狼屎 这就是爱 Just a steaming pile of hyena shit. That's love.
你想要振作下吗 哥们 You want to lighten up, mate.
- 喝点酒吧 - 不了 谢谢 - Get some of that down you. - No, thanks.
作为你舅舅 我命令你喝 As your uncle, I command you.
- 还舅舅呢 - 你笑什么 - Uncle! - What's so funny about that?
我生日是什么时候 When's my birthday?
六 七月 June... J-Ju...
三月二日 March 2nd.
好啦 我不擅长记日期和细节 Fine! I'm no good with dates and details
我记得的都是重要的事 but I'm good at the big stuff.
我中间名是什么 What's my middle name?
你说啊 这个多简单 Come on. This one's easy.
是Errol吗 Is it Errol?
你觉得我名字是Errol Errol吗 You think my name's Errol Errol?
好啦 好啦 All right, fine.
如果你觉得目前为止 You think that I have shown
我对你的生活一无所知 a distinct lack of interest in your life up till now
那你猜对了 and you'll be right.
我觉得你的生活枯燥无味 I find you incredibly tedious and dull.
你做过什么有趣的事吗 But what have you ever done that's interesting?
现在小孩的通病就是 That's the problem with kids today -
他们觉得自己做的任何事都很有趣 they think everything they do is interesting.
"噢 快看我的过敏症 多酷" "Oh, look at me with my cool allergies"
"还有我的滑轮背包" "And my-my... wheelie backpack."
有意思吗 What's interesting about that?
没有 我是个音乐家 那才叫有意思 It's nothing interesting about that! I'm a musician. That's interesting.
我爸说"音乐家"就等于"无业游民" My dad says "Musician" Is just another word for "Unemployed."
你爸连祭台助手都算不上 Your dad's hardly an altar boy.
祭台助手 举行弥撒时协助神父的侍者
你知道你爸妈是怎么认识的吗 Do you even know how your parents met?
通过他们的毒贩子 They met through their dealer.
如果没记错的话 叫"Eclypse" His name was "Eclypse", if memory serves me correctly.
你说的"毒贩子"是什么 What do you mean by "Dealer?"
- 就是卖药的 - 像药剂师那样吗 - You know, drug dealer. - Like a pharmacist?
对 像药剂师 那些会问你借DVD的 Yeah, like a pharmacist. Like a pharmacist who borrows your DVDs.
开车不能接电话 这是违法的 You can't answer while driving, it's illegal.
喂 Hello?
嘿 我最爱的两位小伙子怎样了 Hey, how are my two favourite boys?
我们之间可有火花了 能点燃一座房子呢 Yeah, we're getting on like a fucking house on fire.
噢 还不错嘛 听着 计划有变 Oh, that's great. Listen - little change of plan.
我原以为可以早结束了 I thought I'd be done by now
谁知道还要和教授开会 but I have a meeting with my professor.
所以 踢完球后你可以送Roly回家吗 So, um, do you mind bringing Roly home after the game?
- 我去 - 我真的很抱歉 我会补偿你的 我发誓 - Shit! - I know, I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear.
好的 嗯 再见 谢谢 Yeah, that's absolutely great. Yes. Um, bye. Thank you.
你妈的搞什么 Fucking hell!
- 下车 - 嗨 - Get out the car. - Hi.
- 这不是我的错 - 给我下车 - That-that wasn't my fault... - Get out of the car now.
是他的错 It was his fault.
什么 不 才不是 What?! No, it wasn't!
就是 我开车时他把我眼睛蒙住了 我看不见 Yeah. He covered my eyes while I was driving. I couldn't see.
- 小孩都这样 你成家了吗 - 滚出来 - Kids, eh? Are you a family man? - Get out
别逼我动粗 or I'll pull you out.
好啦 那么 OK, well...
你后退几步 让我下车 You take a couple of steps back and then I can get out the car
我们可以文明地讨论一下 and we can discuss this like a couple of civilised...
喂 你大爷的 去你大爷的 Oi! Fuck off, you fuck-faced fuck!
停车 Stop that car!
你他妈混蛋 Fucking wanker!
我要告诉妈妈 她会杀了你的 I'm telling mum about this. She's going to kill you.
我要先杀了她 Yeah, not if I beat her to it.
快快 来人截住他 Come on! Someone get on him!
没错 截他球 截他球 That's it, take him! Take him!
好样的 That's it, Tiff.
摔(跳水)的好 Tom Daley Nice dive, Tom Daley!
Tom Daley 英国跳水金童
切 演技好的能拿奥斯卡了 Boo! Save it for the Oscars!
快回家吧 娘娘腔 Suck it up, you pussy!
噢 看 韦恩"撸"尼 Oh, look, it's Wayne Puny!
韦恩鲁尼 英格兰著名足球运动员
神父都比他会控球(玩蛋蛋) I've seen better ball handling from a priest!
浪费时间 黄牌 Yellow card for time wasting!
表现烂爆 红牌 Red card for being shit!
- 咱们一点也不严厉 是吧 - 当然 这是塑造性格 - We're not being too harsh, are we? - Nah, it's character building.
哪个是你的小孩 Which one's yours, then?
嗯 那个 Uh... that one.
那是我小女儿Tiffany 她还不错吧 That's my little girl, Tiffany. Isn't she something?
嗯 她确实挺厉害 Yeah, she's certainly something.
我能喝点水吗 快渴死了 Can I have some water, please? I'm really parched.
这算什么事 What's this?
"向陌生人要水喝日"么 喝你自己的水去 "Ask a stranger for water day?" Get your own water!
真替他父母悲哀 I feel sorry for his parents.
你想抽烟吗 Do you fancy a smoke?
不 我老婆让我戒烟了 Oh, no, my wife made me give up the ol' cigarettes.
不 我是说抽点麻烟 No. I mean like a "Smoke".
这正是我需要的 This is exactly what I needed.
不用谢 Happy to help.
知道咱们这叫什么吗 Do you know what we are?
- 什么 - 酷老爸 - What? - We're the cool dads.
没错 我们就是 Yeah, that's what we are.
顺便说下 我叫Bruce It's Bruce, by the way.
- Andy - 你是做什么的 Andy - Andy. - So, what do you do, Andy?
我是个音乐家 I'm a musician.
什么 不是吧 玩摇滚啊哥们 What? No way! Rock 'n' roll, man.
我听过你的作品吗 Have I heard anything of yours?
你知道CottonCare的厕纸广告吗 You know the CottonCare toilet paper adverts?
CottonCare 英国家纺品牌
当然 巨大的毛绒熊打枕头仗那个 Yeah! With the giant stuffed bears having that pillow fight?
对 里面的广告曲是我写的 Yeah, I wrote the jingle for that.
- 很酷 - 是啊 确实 - That's cool. - Yeah, it is.
你是做什么的 What do you do?
我的工作是世界上最好的 I have the greatest job in the world.
你是AV男星 You're a porn star?
好吧 是世界上第二好的 All right, second greatest job.
我是家庭煮夫 I'm a stay-at-home dad.
- 那Tiffany是你孩子对吧 - 没错 - So, Tiffany, she's yours then, is she? - Yep.
- 那个高大的金发维京女孩 - 没错 - That big blonde Viking girl over there is yours? - Yep.
- 怎么可能呢 - 我是她后爸 - How does that work, then? - I'm her step-dad.
- 那你知道为什么他们管后爸叫后爸么 - 不知道 为什么 - But do you know why they call it a step-dad? - No, why?
因为我会为她挡公交 让她在我身后 Cos I'd step in front of a bus for that girl.
我觉得我不会为任何人挡车 哪怕是龟速的自行车 I don't think I'd step in front of a slow-moving bike for anyone.
带轮子的背包 不错 Oh, wheelie backpack, nice.
我一直想给Tiff买个这样的 I've been thinking of getting Tiff one of these.
是Gwen It's Gwen!
喂 Gwen Hello? Gwen?
Gwen 喂 Gwen? Hello?
- 这他妈 - 喂 Gwen - What the fuck? - Hello, Gwen?
啊 我得走了 Uh... I've got to go.
- 过来 咱们走吧 - 但是比赛还没结束 - Come on! Let's go. - But the game's not over yet.
好吧 我给你20镑 Fine. I'll give you 20 quid.
啊 我的腿 受伤了 Ah! My leg! It's broken.
好痛 可能伤到腓骨了 It's broken! I think it's my fibula!
不会吧 又是腓骨 Oh, no! Not your fibula!
家族遗传腓骨脆弱 Weak fibulas run in our family.
我得带你去医院 I better take you to a hospital.
让一让 Make way!
他比看起来重多了 He's deceptively heavy!
上车 Get in!
- 这是哪 我以为你带我回家 - 在这等着 - Where are we? I thought you were taking me home. - Wait here.
- 几分钟我就回来 - 带我回家 要不我就告诉我妈 - I'll be back in a few minutes. - Take me home or I'm telling Mum.
好啊 想告就告吧 Fine. Tell her what you like.
"妈妈" "Mummy!"
"Andy舅舅摸我那里" "Uncle Andy touched my special equipment."
你那里 Special equipment?
死熊孩子 好吧 如果你向你妈告状 You twisted little... Fine, if you tell her that
我就给她看这个 then I am going to show her this!
- 那不是我的 - 是吗 可我是在你的包里发现的 - That's not mine. - Yeah? It was in your bag.
- 我替朋友保管的 还给我 - 休想 - I was keeping it for a friend. Give it back. - No!
那你可以告诉你那个朋友 Well, you can tell your friend
女性那个部位不在前面 跟个投币孔似的 the lady parts don't go on the front like a coin slot,
除此之外 画的非常不错 but asides from that, ten out of ten for accuracy.
你在这乖乖等着 Now, you wait here like a good little boy
我就还给你 and I will give you that back.
- 我讨厌你 - 我也讨厌你 奶娃娃 - I hate you. - And I hate you too, munchkin.
拿去看吧 好好学学人体解剖学 Here you go. Brush up on your anatomy.
生日快乐 哥们 Happy birthday, mate.
基吧
你以为这是哪呢 可以随便进 Where do you think you're going?
让我进去吧 我爸爸在里面 Please let me in. My dad's in there.
抱歉 孩子 你不能进去 Sorry, son. No kids allowed.
- Andy 你来这干嘛 - 我来这干嘛 - Andy, what are you doing here?! - What am I doing here?
是你打给我的 You're the one who phoned me.
手误了 我本来是想删掉你号的 That was a mistake. I was trying to delete your number.
- 我管这叫天意 - 没错 停止的天意 - I call it a sign. - Yeah, a stop sign.
我们过了快乐的几个月 但是一切都结束了 We had a fun few months but it is over.
是因为那盘性爱录像吗 Is this because of the sex tape?
听着 我确实搞砸了 但是你得理解 我喝醉了 Look, I messed up but you understand, I was hammered.
我跟那群家伙玩真心话大冒险 Me and the boys were playing truth or dare.
他们逼我发到网上的 他们逼我的 They dared me to put it online. They dared me!
他们是怎么知道有录像的 How did they even know about the tape?
噢 这是真心话的部分 Well, that was the truth question.
录像里看不见你的脸 It's not like you could see your face
我的角度也不咋的 所以 and it was hardly a flattering angle for me either, so...
- 天啊 我好想你 - 我们之间没可能了 Andy - God, I've missed you. - We're not back together, Andy.
- 但我们在一起不是很好吗 - 是吗 - But we were great together. - Were we?
好吧 性方面 确实 I mean, OK, the sex was...
出乎意料的好 但我以为你不是那么肤浅 surprisingly good but I thought there'd be more to you.
在这之下你还隐藏了成熟的神秘一面 Some secret layer of maturity hidden under all... that.
我很成熟 我都看Culture Show I'm mature. I watch the Culture Show.
Culture Show 英国的一档艺术文化节目
拜托了 Gwen Come on, Gwen.
我爱你 I love you.
在我爸看见你之前你必须走 You need to leave before my dad sees you here.
除非你接受我 不然我哪都不去 I'm not going anywhere until you take me back.
求你了 Gwen 再给我一次机会 Come on, Gwen. Just give me one more chance.
不 你看看你 No. Look at you.
你就是一个吊儿郎当的人 You're just too irresponsible.
- 爸爸 - 对不起 我没有办法 这小孩太能哭了 - Daddy! - Sorry. I had to let him in. That boy can cry.
把我的画还给我 Give me back my drawing.
Andy 这是你儿子吗 Andy, is this your... son?
是 他就是 Y-yes, that's who he is.
他是我儿子 He's my son.
- 你叫什么 宝贝 - Romeo 他叫Romeo - What's your name, darling? - Romeo. His name's Romeo.
是吧 Romeo Isn't it? Romeo?
你不介意我跟Romeo去那边说几句话吧 没问题吧 很好 Do you mind if me and Romeo just go over here and have a little chat? Is that..? Yep, good.
好 我会把画还你 OK, I'm going to give you your drawing back,
但你保证 but you've got to promise me
你要接着假装我的儿子 成交吗 you're going to keep this "Daddy" Thing going for a little bit longer. Deal?
- 成交 - 这个小肉块在我的俱乐部干嘛 - Deal. - What is Meatloaf Junior doing in my club?
Meat Loaf 肉块 摇滚巨星 因为身形庞大 故以肉块为艺名
没事 爸爸 没出什么乱子 It's OK, Dad. Everything's under control.
你好啊 Pearson先生 你今天看起来特别可爱呢 Hello, Mr Pearson. You're looking lovely today as ever.
你配不上她 听见我说的话了吗 She's too good for you, do you hear me?
- 求你 别在我儿子面前 - 爸 放开他 - Please, not in front of my boy. - Dad! Let him go.
你伤害我的女儿 You hurt my little girl
我会用勺子把你老二割下来 and I will cut your dick off with a spoon.
- 你听得懂吗 - 是的 我 我 我懂 - Do you understand? - Yes, I-I-I do.
勺割 老二 Dick. Spoon.
- 你没事吧 - 没事 谢谢 - You OK? - Yep. Thank you.
那么 Well, then...
我觉得他 呃 I think he's, uh,
开始喜欢我了 starting to like me.
我不懂 我去过你公寓那么多次 I don't understand. I've been to your flat loads of times.
你把他藏在哪 Where have you been hiding him?
每次你过来 Well, every time that you'd come over
我都把他送到我姐姐那 I'd send him off to my sister's place.
似乎这样才是负责任的做法 Seemed like the responsible thing to do.
那你为什么不告诉我 But why didn't you just tell me?
谁会想跟单身爸爸交往啊 Who wants to go out with a single dad?
有那么多责任 给他做饭啦 All that responsibility. Cooking him meals,
带他参加足球训练啦 taking him to football practice
帮他做家庭作业啦 and helping him with his homework,
赶走他床底下的怪物啦 looking for monsters under his bed.
就是有很多 It just seems like so much...
- 责任 - 责任 对 - Responsibility? - Responsibility, yeah.
- 他妈妈怎么了 - 生他的时候死了 - What happened to his mum? - She died in childbirth.
- 不会吧 - 是的 他的头太大了 - Shit. - Yep, his head was too big.
把她像撕湿纸一样撕开 Ripped her apart like wet paper.
但我必须为了他坚强起来 是不是 小家伙 I had to stay strong for him, though. Didn't I, little guy?
怪不得 This explains so much.
我以前总觉得哪里不对劲 I thought there was something weird,
好像你心智不成熟似的 like you had half a personality or something,
但现在我懂了 你背负着这么巨大的压力 but I know now. You were hiding this huge thing.
你觉得我心智不成熟 You thought I had half a personality?
听我们说话你肯定烦了 You must be bored listening to us adults talk.
想不想去办公室看点卡通呢 Do you want to go in the office and watch some cartoons?
他喜欢看 是吧 Romeo He'd love that, wouldn't you, Romeo?
不 我讨厌卡通片 看着就头疼 No, I hate cartoons. They give me a headache.
他开玩笑的 我们总一起看<南方公园> He's kidding. We watch South Park together all the time.
南方公园 美国重口味动画片
他看那个是不是有点不合适 Isn't he a bit young for that?
- 没错 所以我们静音看的 - 我还想吃冰淇淋 - That's right. We watch it on mute. - I want more ice cream.
为什么不把手里的先吃完呢 小冠军 Why don't you finish what you've got there, champ?
再给我来一勺 否则我就告密了 Get me another scoop or I'll spill the beans...
- 爸爸 - 你们俩太可爱了 - ..Dad. - You two are so cute together.
我接个电话 I've got to take this.
咋了 Yes, what is it?
你在哪 Where are you?
嗯 我现在堵在路上 Um, I am stuck in traffic right now.
前面好像出车祸了 It looks like there's been an accident.
可能得晚个把小时 I'm probably going to be at least another hour.
我去 你开玩笑 必须六点到家 Shit! You're joking. You have to be home by six.
- Roly的爸爸要打电话来 - 那就告诉他晚点再打 - Roly's Dad is calling. - Just tell him to call back later.
如果Roly没接到电话 会打乱他的习惯 If Roly misses his dad, it'll break his routine.
你见过12岁的强迫症小孩崩溃吗 Have you ever seen a 12-year-old have an OCD meltdown?
一点也不好玩 Andy 'Cause it's not pretty, Andy.
- Andy - 好 我会及时送他回家 - 谢谢 - Andy?! - Fine, I'll get him back on time. - Thank you.
谁的电话 Who was that?
就是几个妈妈想组织一次聚会 Just some mum trying to organise a play date.
妈妈们 哈 Mums, eh?
哦 都这么晚了 我最好走了 Oh, is that the time? I better be going.
听你谈你的奶爸日记 You know, listening to you talk about being a dad...
- 还挺性感的 - 是啊 我最好走了 - It's actually pretty hot. - Yeah, I'd better go.
- 等下 什么 - 对 - Wait, what? - Yeah.
跟我多说说 Tell me about it.
呃 Well...
他是我人生中最美好的事 ..He's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
他让你想成为更好的人吗 Does he make you want to be a better man?
确实 他让我想成为首相 Yes, he does. He makes me want to be Prime Minister.
或者 至少是伦敦市长 Or, at the very least, the Mayor of London.
你为了他牺牲很多 是不是 You've had to sacrifice a lot for him, haven't you?
太多太多了 但是这都值了 So, so much. But it's all worth it.
你知道为什么吗 You know why?
告诉我 Tell me.
因为不管我下半辈子做什么 Cos no matter what I do with the rest of my life,
他都是我最大的成就 he is my greatest achievement.
冰淇淋好吃吗 How's the ice cream?
一般般吧 It's OK.
我更喜欢豆奶冰淇淋 I prefer soy ice cream, though.
真奇怪 你看着一点不像你爸 It's funny, you don't look like your dad.
因为长得丑的基因是隐性的 That's because the ugly gene is recessive.
看来我们有的谈了 I think we're going to get on.
- 你为什么穿成那样 - 这样穿舒服 - Why do you dress like that? - This is how I feel comfortable.
难道你那样穿不觉得舒服吗 Don't you feel comfortable in what you're wearing?
不舒服 校服穿的我都起疹子了 No, this school uniform gives me a rash,
不过我懂你的意思 but I know what you mean, though.
我有套很喜欢的睡衣 I have this pair of pyjamas that I like so much,
我让我妈妈买了七套一样的 I had my mum buy seven pairs of them,
每周七天 一天一套 one for every day of the week.
呃 我是说我爸又当爹又当妈 Uh, I mean my dad mum.
你父母怎么认识的 How did your parents meet?
他们的药剂师牵线的 Their pharmacist introduced them.
他叫Eclypse His name was Eclypse.
- 你结婚了吗 - 没 - Are you married? - No.
- 我结过婚 - 娶了Gwen的妈妈 - 嗯哼 - I used to be. - To Gwen's mum? - Mmm-hmm.
她是因为你穿得像女人才和你离婚的吗 Did she divorce you because you dress like a lady?
- 你的问题真多 - 你也回避了不少 - You ask a lot of questions. - You skip a lot of questions.
准备走了吗 小家伙 有点赶 You ready to go, kiddo? In a bit of a hurry.
你们去哪儿了 Where've you two been?
出去抽了根烟 Just went outside for a smoke.
我最爱抽烟了 I love smoking.
你拉链没拉 Your fly's undone.
我们能聊聊吗 Can I have a word?
不是你想的那样 我裤拉链一直开着的 It's not what you think. My flies are always coming undone
- 我觉得这裤子是粗制滥造 - 闭嘴 - and I just think it's a manufacturing problem... - Shut up.
我过去虽然对你有点偏见 I know we've had our differences
但我知道作一个单亲爸爸有多难 but I also know how hard it is being a single dad.
我不得不敬佩 And I have to respect you
你对那小家伙所做的一切 for the job you've done on your little kid.
他是个好孩子 He's a good boy.
或许你没我想的那么一无是处 Maybe you're not the useless prick I thought you were.
- 谢谢 - 嗯 - Thank you. - Hmm.
但你再伤我闺女的心 我会割了你的 But you still hurt my little girl and I will rip your...
- 勺割老二 我懂 - 知道就好 - Dickspoon. Yeah, I got you. - All right.
- 我们得走了 - 真的吗 我们不是玩的很开心吗 - We have to go. - Do you really? We were having such a nice time.
是的 我知道 不过我得送他去上钢琴课 Yeah, I know, but I've got to get this one to a piano lesson.
对吧 音乐大师 Haven't I, Maestro?
别碰我 Don't touch me.
不爱亲近 我们什么时候再见 Boundary issues. When can I see you again?
那就要看 Well, that depends.
你到底有多真心了 How committed are you to changing?
我会让你知道我有多真心 I'll show you how committed I am.
Gwen Gwen...
嫁给我 ..Marry me.
我不是他儿子 I'm not his son!
- 他花钱雇我来演 - 别听他乱讲 - Look, he paid me to say I was. - Don't listen to him.
我不叫Romeo 我叫Errol And my name's not Romeo, it's Errol!
谁会叫Errol这么蠢的名字 What sort of a stupid name is Errol?
他妈没去接他 他在闹别扭呢 He's just angry his mum couldn't pick him up from school.
- 你不是说他妈死了 - 她是死了 - You told me his mum was dead? - She is.
这也是问题的一部分 That's part of the problem.
爸爸 Daaaaad!
*Gwen* *Gwen*
*你是否还记得* *Do you remember when*
*我们还是情人时* *We were more than friends?*
*你是否还记得* *Do you remember when..?*
*每当你感到寒冷* *Every time that you'd get cold*
*我脱下外套披在你的肩膀* *I'd put my coat around your shoulder*
*我送你一束花* *I'd pick you flowers in a bunch*
*每个月给你买卫生巾* *And buy you tampons every month*
*肩酸的时候我给你揉肩* *I rubbed your shoulders when they hurt*
*帮你解决你剩下的点心* *I helped you finish your dessert*
*把蜘蛛冲进下水道* *I flushed that spider down the bath*
*自残鸡鸡只为博你一笑* *I punched my dick to make you laugh*
*我夸你的裙子很美* *I'd compliment you on your dress*
*你压力大时帮你闭嘴* *I'd shut your mouth when you got stressed*
*为你买酒陪你醉* *I'd buy you drinks and get you drunk*
*我甚至清理自己的烂摊子* *I'd even clean up my own mess*
*Gwen* *Gwen!*
*你是否还记得* *Do you remember when*
*我曾是你的最佳男友* *I was your best boyfriend?*
*噢 再爱我一次* *Oh, take me back again*
*噢 Gwen* *Oh, Gwen*
*噢 Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen* *Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen*
*我带你坐摩天轮* *I took you on the Ferris wheel*
*随你性子分摊账单* *I let you pay for half the meal*
*当你晕头转向* *When you were looking very hard*
*我帮你找到信用卡* *I helped you find your credit card*
*修好我打破的茶壶* *I fixed your teapot that I broke*
*认真听你长篇大论* *I tried to listen when you spoke*
*我承认我错了* *I said that I was in the wrong*
*然后写了这首烂歌* *And then I wrote this fucking song*
*Gwen* *Gwen!*
*我觉得我屈服了* *I think I got the bends*
*你有其他男人了吗* *Have there been other men?*
*你是否还记得* *Do you remember when..?*
*噢 Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen* *Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen*
*Gwen* *Gwen!*
*我们的感情并未结束* *It doesn't have to end*
*总有什么可以弥补* *It's something we can mend*
*你是否还记得* *Do you remember when..?*
*噢 Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen Gwen* *Oh, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, Gwen*
你能送我回家了吗 Can you take me home now?
- 自己回去 - 嘿 - Make your own way home. - Hey!
你不能就这么丢下我 You can't just leave me!
你知道你刚刚做了什么吗 Do you know what you've just done?
你毁了我获得幸福的最后机会 You just ruined my last chance at happiness.
可是你骗了她 But you lied to her.
"可是你骗了她" "But you lied to her."
那又怎样 每个人都在撒谎 So what?! Everyone lies.
无时无刻不是如此 你也说谎了 All the time. You lied.
你的腿 你的画 你都在骗人 You lied about your leg, you lied about the drawing.
你想知道真相 Do you want know the truth is?
真相就是没人有空理你 The truth is no-one's got any time for you.
你妈 你爸 特别是我 Not your mum, not your dad and especially not me.
为什么我要不辞辛苦的让你这小王子开心 Why should I go out of my way to keep the Little Prince happy?
你永远都不会开心 You'll never be happy.
你知道为什么吗 因为一切都是关于你自己 Do you know why? Because it's all about yourself.
都是"我 我 我 我" It's all "Me-me-me-me".
靠 Roly Shit. Roly!
终于回来了 我的两个旅行者 终于回家 Here they are! My two travellers, home at las...
靠 你脸怎么了 Oh, shit! What happened to your face?
没什么 我只是 Nothing. I just...
撞到球门柱了 ..Ran into a goal post.
进来吧 我去拿冰块 Well, come in. Let me get you some ice.
你们两个玩得开心吗 So, did you two have a good time?
听着 Sam Look, Sam...
在Errol之前 ..Before you hear it from Errol,
你或许该先听我说 you should probably hear it from me first...
我们玩的超级开心 We had the best time ever!
Andy舅舅还带我去吃冰淇淋了 Uncle Andy even took me for ice cream.
真的 那可真好 Did he? That was nice of him.
快 那是你爸 快去接 Oh, quick. That'll be your dad. Get it.
- 你永远都猜不到发生了什么 - 什么 你又怀孕了 - You'll never guess what. - What? You're pregnant again?
滚你丫的 不是 我碰到一个很好的教授 Fuck off. No, I've got this amazing professor.
他给我强制行为的论文打了个A He gave me an "A" In my compulsive behaviours essay.
他说我的论文棒极了 He said it was incandescent.
恭喜 你绝对想睡你 Congratulations. He definitely wants to bang you.
最好是 他真的真的很帅气 Oh, God, I hope so, he's really, really fit.
好了 不说我了 你们两个聊了什么 Anyway, enough about me - what did you two talk about?
没什么 女人 足球 Oh, nothing. Women, football.
就舅舅外甥之间的那些事 Uncle/nephew-type stuff.
你知道吗 你今天真的帮了我大忙 You know, you really saved my life today.
呃 换做是你 也会帮我的不是吗 Well, you'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?
现在我又要开始上学了 So, now uni's started again,
你觉得你能时不时的帮我照顾Roly吗 do you think you could help out with Roly once in a while?
- 可以 如果我还在的话 - 还在 你要去哪儿 - Yeah, if I'm still around. - Still around? Where are you going?
没去哪儿 就随便一说 Nowhere. It's just a figure of speech, isn't it?
这还是还给你吧 Look, I'm going to give that back to you
我真的不知道拿来干什么 cos I don't really know what I'm doing with it.
对我来说没什么用处 It's not really doing anything for me
我得走了 and I'm going to go.
佳人有约吗 Got a hot date?
是的 差不多 Yeah, something like that.
吼吼 Oo-ooh!
谢谢 Thank you.
嗯 再见 Yep. See you.
Andrew Andrew.
我更喜欢被叫Andy 干嘛 I prefer Andy, but what is it?
不 那是我的中间名 No. That's my middle name -
Andrew Andrew.
我是用我舅舅的名字命名的 I was named after my uncle.
哦 Oh.
你记得住那个吗 Do you think you can remember that?
嗯 我会试试的 Yeah... I'll give it a go.
顺便说一句 你还没把我的画还我 You still have my drawing, by the way.
没还吗 呃 No, um...
在俱乐部的时候我还你了 记得吗 I gave that back to you at the club, remember?
没有 No, you didn't.
你给我的是这个 You gave me this.
那这个一定是你的了 Then this must be yours,
- 你个小变态 - 谢了 - you little pervert. - Thank you.
- 你真的要 - 不 - Were you really going to... - No.
不是 No.
我只是开玩笑 I was just messing around.
- 你会遇见更好的人的 - 是的 - You'll find someone else, you know. - Yeah?
你老师单身吗 Is your teacher available?
我开玩笑的 开玩笑的 I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
谢谢你送我回来 Thank you for picking me up.
- 不用客气 - 给你 - You're very welcome. - Here.
不用 That's all right.
- 这是你自己赚的 留着吧 - 我知道 可是 - That's yours, you can keep that. You've earned it. - I know, but...
如果你还要来接我 if you're going to pick me up again,
最好雇人好好清理下你的车 you're going to need to pay for someone to clean up your car.
- 你不打算清理你的车 对吧 - 没错 - You're not going to get your car cleaned, are you? - No.
小心裂缝 Mind the cracks.
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