翻译: 宛若安宁 御姐Kimuu 可爱多
"房间尽头" "Across the room".
你漫步经过房间 成就最美的遇见 I saw you across the room You smile, my heart runs a mile
校对: 少女Amber 怪查理
嗨 漂亮姑娘 跟我约会吧 跟我约会吧 Hey pretty girl let's go out together. Go out together,
后期: 怪查理
前两周爽上云霄 The first two weeks we'll rock
在一起纵情欢笑 We'll laugh and frolic
你为我下厨做饭 我为你如痴如狂 You'll bake me a pie You're so sweet I could die
压制: 怪查理
嗨 漂亮姑娘 漂亮姑娘 Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl
透过你仿佛预见 我的心伤成碎片 You're going to break my heart I can tell
结局呈现在眼前 I know how this ends
去死吧 漂亮姑娘 去死吧 去死 去死 去死 Go to hell, pretty girl Go to hell, hell, hell! Hell,
我还在打磨歌词 你觉得怎么样 I mean, I'm still ironing out the lyrics but what do you think?
我真不想参加这破学校旅行 I really don't want to go on this stupid school trip.
你说什么傻话呢 What are you talking about?
在一个农场待上几天 听起来不错啊 A few days out on a farm sounds like fun.
去年他们去了乐高乐园 Last year they went to Legoland.
为什么我们不去乐高乐园呢 Why can't we go to Legoland?
或者奥斯陆 欧洲最干净的城市 Or Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe.
干净 你不是去农场吗 有的是新鲜的空气 Clean? You're going to a farm. There'll be loads of fresh air.
- 我花粉过敏 - 好吧 新鲜的牛奶 - I have hay fever. - All right then. Fresh milk...
- 乳糖 - 你有乳糖不耐症 那还有新鲜的鸡蛋啊 - Lactose. - You're lactose intolerant. Erm, fresh eggs, then.
我要控制胆固醇 I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol
再说那儿到处都是蜱虫 and there'll be ticks everywhere.
我可能会得莱姆病的 I could get Lyme disease!
Lyme disease 以蜱为传播媒介的一种自然疫源性急性传染病
总比柠檬病要好点吧 It's better than Lemon disease.
到车上Murray Thomas一定会坐我旁边 I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit next to me on the bus.
他总是用同一块手帕擤鼻涕 He always blows his nose into the same handkerchief.
求你了 你忍心看着我受那种苦吗 Please. You've to get me out of this,
- 我最爱的舅舅 - 想得美 - My favourite uncle. - Nice try.
听着 有一次有人邀请我去派对 我拒绝了 Look, once I got invited to a party and I turned it down.
我说"不 我不去" I said, "No I'm not going to a party,"
然后我待在家里玩游戏机 And I stayed in and played X-box instead.
你猜怎么着 我后来发现 And do you know what? I found out later
那个派对变成了滥交大会 that that party turned into an orgy.
什么意思 What's that?
那不重要 关键是 这次旅行对你有好处 It doesn't matter. Point is, this trip will be good for you.
如果你想找人说话 就给我打电话 But if you need someone to talk to, you can always phone me.
无论何时何地 你都会接吗 And you'll answer, no matter what?
无论何时何地 No matter what.
除非你让我出电话费 那就没门了 Unless you reverse the charges and then, no way.
废柴舅舅
第一季 第五集
电波诚译
哇 Kelly Talbot刚刚加我好友了 Wow, Kelly Talbot just friended me.
我第一只大麻烟就是和她一起抽的呢 I had my first spliff with her.
天哪 她小孩真丑 My God, her baby is so ugly
她看上去也好老 and she looks really old.
我爱死Facebook了 I love Facebook.
我看着没那么老吧 I don't look this old, do I?
- 谁啊 - 噢 是Shelly - Who's that? - Oh, it's Shelly.
- 她一直短信骚扰我 - 噢 开始来真的了 - She keeps texting me. - Oh, is it getting serious?
- 你们要一起生个丑娃娃吗 - 不 - Are you going to have ugly babies together? - No!
她就是我和Gwen暂时分手时的一备胎 She's just a fling while me and Gwen are on a break.
我看她可不这么想 I think she wants a lot more.
她把牙刷留在我浴室里了 She left her toothbrush in my bathroom.
简直是个危险信号 That's the uranium of grooming appliances.
靠 赶紧去和人家说清楚 Shit, you have to be honest with her.
你不能这样欺骗她的感情 You can't just string her along.
你刚才说什么欺骗别人 What were you saying about stringing people along?
那是我的保证人 That's my sponsor Agnes.
她人很好 就是不太酷 She's very sweet, she's just not very cool.
但我组里还有另外一个女的 Suzy But there's this woman in my group, Suzy.
她真是六十年代的浪荡之女 She was a wild child in the '60s.
她跟Hendrix和Jagger都上过床 还有Zeppelin乐队的所有人 She slept with Hendrix, Jagger, all of Zeppelin.
Jimi Hendrix 著名的美国音乐人兼创作歌手 Mick Jagger英国摇滚乐手 滚石乐队主唱 Led Zeppelin 齐柏林飞船 英国一支权威性的重金属乐队
我想让她做我的监督人 I want HER to be my sponsor.
当我放荡的仙女教母 She'll be like my fucked up fairy godmother.
对了 我把你号码给了Roly的老师 Melodie Oh, by the way. I gave your number to Roly's teacher, Melodie.
- 她有些音乐项目的事情要问你 - 好啊 - She wanted it for some music day project. - Cool.
你休想睡她 Don't even think about sleeping with her.
噢 就算我说你比Kelly Talbot还年轻也不行吗 Oh, even if I say you look - younger than Kelly Talbot?
- 不行 - 好吧 正好我撒谎技术很烂 - Not even then. - Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway.
嗷 Ow!
这真是个好主意 Sam This is a lovely idea, Sam.
真高兴你这么想 Agnes Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes.
我喜欢这种艺术疗法 I love a bit of art therapy.
我还以为你会烦我了呢 I was thinking that you must be getting tired of me.
不 怎么会呢 No, not at all.
你知道的 我没有孩子 You know, I never had children,
但我现在已经把你看成我的女儿了 but I've come to see you as a daughter.
女儿总有一天会离家的 对吧 Daughters move out though, don't they,
当她们去上大学 或者跟数学老师私奔的时候 when they go to university or run off with their maths teacher?
你是要和我分手吗 Are you breaking up with me?
只是觉得我们该见见其他人了 I just think we should see other people for a bit.
这样对彼此都好 Yeah, it might be good for us.
- 啥事 - 我做到了 - Yeah? - I did it!
我跟我的监督人分手了 你和Shelly谈了吗 I broke up with my sponsor. Did you talk to Shelly?
谈了 搞定了 Yeah...All done.
我们俩真是太棒了 就像成熟的大人一样 I'm so proud of us, we're like real grown-ups,
不畏艰险 勇往直前 taking life by the horns. Horning it up.
Andy Andy?
那是谁 搞定什么了 Who's that? What's all done?
"搞定了"就是我订好了披萨 "All done" As in pizza delivery order.
我刚订了个披萨 I've just ordered a pizza.
一个早餐披萨 铺满了香肠蘑菇还有豆子之类的 A breakfast pizza with sausage and mushrooms and beans on it, stuff like that.
我应该要过去拿 Probably go and pick it up actually.
他们不送外卖吗 Don't they deliver?
送啊 但我想保护地球母亲嘛 Yeah, but I'm trying to save the planet from...
减少摩托车尾气 all the scooter fumes.
你不是开车去吗 Aren't you driving?
对 但我会慢慢地开 Yes, but I'm driving very slowly.
- 我现在真的没空 - 噢 抱歉了 - I really can't talk now! - Oh, sorry.
噢 Melodie吗 Oh! Melodie?
嗨 Andy 我没有打扰到你的录音吧 Hi, Andy. I'm not interrupting an important recording session, am I?
不 没有 我刚出来 那些鼓手啊 你懂的 No, no. I was just stepping out. Drummers, eh?
你没跟Errol一起去学校旅行吗 Aren't you on that school trip with Errol?
当然没去 好不容易有几天能好好放松一下 God, no, I get a couple of days to spoil myself.
明白啦 毛片和冰激凌 I hear you, porn and ice-cream.
那个 我想问问你音乐项目的事 So, I wanted to ask about a music project,
你有时间面谈吗 do you have time to meet?'
当然 就现在吧 Sure, how about right now?
你是想让我给你的班级创作一首歌 OK, so you want me to produce a song for your class?
没问题 我会像Rick Rubin对野兽男孩一样尽心尽力的 I can do that. I'd be like the Rick Rubin to their Beastie Boys.
Rick Rubin 美国唱片制作人 野兽男孩是一组来自纽约布鲁克林和曼哈顿的嘻哈音乐团体
- 报酬有多少 - 这个 没有现金报酬的 - How much does it pay? - Oh, uh, there's no money involved.
只有善意和饼干 Rubin先生 怎么样 Just good will and biscuits, Mr Rubin.
噢 我最爱无私奉献了 Oh, I love giving back.
不包括饼干啊 那个我要留下 Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those.
那么 你想要哪种风格的 So, what sort of sound are you looking for?
不知道 I don't know.
- 呃 披头士那类怎么样 - 哈 披头士 - Erm, The Beatles? - Ugh, The Beatles.
他们就像是流行音乐里的拉布拉多 They're a bit like the labrador puppies of pop music, aren't they?
你应该给他们介绍些不同的音乐 You should introduce them to something different,
那些会颠覆他们小小心灵的音乐 something that'll blow their tiny little minds.
你应该听听我的那些珍藏唱片 You should listen to some of the music in my record collection.
我没有唱片机 I don't have a record player.
你可以来我家听 You can listen round mine.
我是说 又不是约会什么的 I mean, it's not like a date or anything.
好啊 很好 Yeah, that would be great.
- 明天怎么样 - 很好 那就这么约定了 - How's about tomorrow? - Perfect. It's a date.
需要你 十分钟后你公寓见 Gwen
我了个去 Holy shit!
- 你得走了 - 什么 - You've gotta go. - What?
你得走了 You gotta go.
Sam要来了 她头发剪糟了 Sam's on her way over, she's had a really bad haircut,
需要找个肩膀大哭一场 needs a shoulder to cry on.
她看起来蠢爆了 Said she looked like the Elephant Woman.
披萨呢 Where's the pizza?
好了 你得爬窗出去 Right, you need to climb out.
要是被你看到 她一定会疯的 Sam'll be devastated if you see her like this.
拜托 为了我 Please, for me.
告诉她她欠我个人情 Tell her she owes me for this. OK?
Casper把我甩了 Casper dumped me!
很抱歉打扰你 I'm so sorry to disturb you.
我本来想去我爸爸那 I would have gone to my dad's
但你知道他多过度保护我 but you know how overprotective he is.
Casper说他需要空间 Casper said he needed space.
这算什么意思 What does that mean?
可能是背着你有别人了 It probably means he's cheating on you.
等下 你知道这不代表咱俩复合了 是吧 Wait! You know this does not mean we're getting back together, right?
当然 当然不是了 没复合啊 Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not.
我要去尿尿 I need a piss.
- 啥事 - 你死也想不到我发现什么了 - What? - You'll never guess what I just found out.
婴儿不是从天上降生的 Babies aren't made in clouds?
我们去的地方只有公共浴室 就像监狱一样 They only have communal showers where we're going. Like prison!
乐高乐园一定有正常的浴室 I bet Legoland have proper showers.
没事的 注意不要掉肥皂就行 You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap.
等等 还有更惨的 Wait! That's not the worst part.
Murray Thomas想跟我睡上下铺 Murray Thomas wants to share bunks!
简直不能忍 拜托了 如果你来接我 I can't do this, please, if you pick me up,
我就和你一起写新歌 I'll work on some new songs with you.
没门 我忙着呢 刚跟Gwen和好 No deal, I'm busy. I've just got back with Gwen.
你什么时候跟Shelly分手了 When did you break up with Shelly?
呃 马上 Uh, soon.
你不能脚踏两条船啊 You can't have two girlfriends at the same time!
小屁孩管那么宽 我想有几个有几个 Are you the girlfriend police? I can have as many as I want.
你耍的球太多了 是会掉的 If you juggle too many balls, you'll drop one.
你懂个球事啊(蛋蛋下垂) What do you know about balls dropping?!
怎么有两支牙刷 你在和谁约会吗 Why have you got two toothbrushes? Are you seeing somebody?
没有 一把是刷上牙的 一把是刷下牙的 No, one of them's for my top set and the other one's for my bottoms.
会很怪吗 Is that weird?
Suzy 我在会上注意你很久了 Suzy, I've been watching you in meetings.
噢 太猥琐了 Oh, it's so creepy.
Suzy 我觉得你真是个酷炫的妞 Suzy, I think you're a cool chick.
噢 天哪 太粗俗了 Oh, my God, it's so cheesy.
Suzy 你很混 我也很混 咱一起混吧 Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit, let's shit together?
真他妈的混乱啊 What a fucking mess.
找了二十分钟的停车位 It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space.
- 真是抱歉 - 你有什么可抱歉的 - I'm so sorry. - What are you sorry for?
又不是你的错 亲爱的 It's not your fault, sweetheart.
噢 抱歉 Oh, sorry...
- 要喝点什么吗 - 咖啡 越浓越好 - Can I get you a drink? - Coffee, the stronger the better.
我只有脱咖啡因的 正在戒这个呢 Ah, I only have decaf, I'm trying to quit caffeine.
为什么 Why?
太容易上瘾了 It's addictive.
那就给我一杯水吧 亲爱的 Water's fine, darling.
- 这是你儿子吗 - 嗯 - Is that your boy? - Mmm.
- 长得有点像Mick - 噢 Jagger - Looks a bit like Mick? - Oh, Jagger?
是啊 他可摇滚了 我的Errol Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll, my Errol.
他是乐队的成员 你有孩子吗 He's in a band. Do you have any children?
有个女儿 她是个歌手 A daughter. She's a singer.
噢 有时我也希望有个女儿 Oh, sometimes I wish I had a daughter.
别误会 我爱我的Errol Don't get me wrong, I love my Errol,
但如果能有个人跟我换穿衣服 谈谈男孩也挺棒的 but it would be nice to have someone to swap clothes with and talk about boys.
他也许也行 He might be into that.
恕我冒昧 我想说 你很激励我 Can I just say, you are an inspiration...
我不想当你的监督人 I don't want to be your sponsor.
- 什么 - 这程序我清楚得很 - What? - I know how this goes.
我曾经就和你一样 I used to be you,
年轻 对康复期又有过度的依赖 young and addicted to recovery.
你觉得我们会成为最佳拍档 You think I'll be your new best friend,
一起做指甲什么的 get our nails done together.
听着 我很荣幸 真的 Look, I'm very flattered, really I am.
只是我没有这么多精力来陪你耗着 But I just don't have the energy for all that neediness.
我保证不会过度依赖的 我保证 I won't be needy, I swear. I swear I won't be.
你现在不就是嘛 You're being needy right now.
是吗 那这样如何 Yeah, well, how about this, then? Huh?
老子不在乎 Rock 'n' roll.
你真可爱 You're adorable.
以后要是再做这事 得先想个安全词 We're probably going to need the safe word before we try that again.
我怀孕了 I'm pregnant.
这个不错 That is an excellent safe word.
我是说真的 我怀孕了 No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant.
刚刚怀上的吗 What, from just now?
不是 是Casper的 No, from Casper.
这样啊 Oh, OK.
我保证会视如己出的 I'll raise it like my own, I swear.
Andy 我们没有复合 Andy, we're not back together.
这只是玩玩而已的性爱 This was just meaningless sex.
我懂啦 这也是我最喜欢的一种性爱 Yeah, I know, that's my favourite kind of sex.
你这是要哭了吗 Are you about to cry?
你干嘛总是要显得楚楚可怜 Why do you always have to be so wounded?
你就像Adele的歌附身似的 You're like a walking Adele song.
靠 那可能是我爸 Shit, that's probably my dad.
他来这里干嘛 What's he doing here?
我和他说过 如果哪天我失踪了 I told him if I went missing
一定要来你这儿找 以防是你绑架的 to come looking at your place, in case you kidnapped me.
你觉得我会绑架你吗 你为什么要这么说 You thought I'd kidnap you? Why would you say that?
你之前不是发过短信说 You texted me saying
"Gwen 既然得不到你 我就要绑架你" "Gwen, If I can't have you, I'll kidnap you."
那是开玩笑好吗 我后面还加了个笑脸呢 I was joking! I put a smiley face on it.
你得去开门 现在 快去 You have to answer it! Go now!
她拒绝了我 She rejected me!
她说我依赖性太强了 我吗 She said I was needy. Me?
如果宝宝的依赖性最强 If a baby is the most needy
死人依赖性为零 你说我属于哪边 and a dead person the least, what would I be?
我不知道 夭折的宝宝吧 I don't know, a dead baby.
听着 我很忙 Gwen来了 Look, you have to go, Gwen's here.
你下手还真快 You didn't waste any time.
我能说什么呢 Casper出局了 What can I say? Casper's out,
我当然就上啦 一切都很完美 I'm in. Everything's perfect.
靠 那应该是Gwen的老爸 Shit, that's Gwen's dad.
就说我不在 你是来照顾我家猫的 Tell him I'm away and you're looking after my cat.
- 啥猫 - 随便 喵主席 什么都要我来想吗 - What cat? - I don't know, Chairman Meow, do I have to think of everything?!
- 嗨 Sam - 嗨 Shelly - Hi, Sam. - Hi...Shelly.
Shell 你怎么来了 Shell? What are you doing here?
那小孩的生日派对取消了 虱子大爆发 My kids' birthday gig got cancelled, lice outbreak.
你们俩在做什么呢 What are you two up to?
我来找Andy借DVD Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD,
<绝命毒师>第二季 second series of Breaking Bad.
在卧室里 我去拿吧 That's in the bedroom. I'll get it.
不要 我刚刚在里面放了屁 No! I farted in there
味道还没散 and it still stinks.
外面是你爸 他正在搜查屋子呢 It's your dad, he's doing a sweep of the flat.
我操 Shit!
你的头发剪得没有那么糟啦 Your haircut's not that bad.
Gwen 我什么时候才能再见到你 Gwen, look... When can I see you again?
我是指 约炮之类的 I mean, for meaningless sex, or whatever?
说不定 Andy 我再打给你 I don't know, Andy, I'll call you.
戏法大师在此 Master juggler speaking.
我们才刚到一小时 We've only been here an hour
他们逼我们看母牛分娩 and they've made us watch a cow give birth.
如果分娩真是那样的话 If that's what it's like,
我觉得我应该和妈妈道歉 I owe Mum an apology.
难怪她每天脾气都这么大 No wonder she's always in a bad mood.
Murray Thomas居然问我 要不要当他最好的朋友 And now Murray Thomas is asking if I'll be his best friend.
我要怎么友善地拒绝他 How do I turn him down nicely?
- Andy - 我知道你在想什么 - Andy?! - I know what you're thinking.
我应该把你阉了 然后把蛋蛋扔进马桶冲掉嘛 That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet?
她是个好姑娘 Andy She's a sweet girl, Andy.
- 如果你不告诉她 我来 - 不要 - If you don't tell her, I will. - No, No!
喂 Hello?
这是谁的 Whose is this?
- 那是 - 那是我的 - It's... - It's mine,
刚刚因为背痛 就直接把它抽出来了 my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off.
胸嘛 没啥用还折磨人 对吧 Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right?
我的胸现在都快折磨死我了 My boobs are killing me right now.
好了 我该走了 Ok, well...I better be off.
你不把胸罩带走吗 Don't you want your bra back?
天哪 我老丢三落四的 Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.
- 谢谢 - 和她坦白 - Thank you. - Tell her.
你姐姐好像怪怪的 Your sister's a bit weird.
电影很像人生 你不觉得吗 Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they?
有开头 中间 和结尾 There's a beginning, a middle and then an end.
这个啦 玩具总动员啦 虎胆龙威啦 This, Toy Story, Die Hard,
当然是前三部 后面两部太扯蛋了 the first three, not the last two, they were shit.
纵使过程中床单滚得再爽 Everything ends eventually,
故事终究会走向结局 even if the sex is really, really good.
玩具总动员里面有滚床单吗 Sex, in Toy Story?
未知来电
- 喂 - 你摸过猪吗 Andy - Hello? - Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?
他们逼我们去抓猪 They made us catch pigs.
它们的皮肤 摸着像人类一样鲜嫩透粉 Their skin, it's so human. Fleshy. Pink.
猪蹄就像退化了的小手 The trotters... like tiny deformed hands.
还有一只对着我哼气 One of them snorfed on me.
我应该得猪流感了 I think I have swine flu.
你在用谁的电话啊 What number are you calling from?
他们没收了我的手机 They took my phone,
我在用农场经理室的电话 I'm in the farm manager's office.
我睡不着 Murray Thomas在做恶梦 I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors.
求你了 只要你来接我 Please, I swear - if you pick me up,
我愿意帮你熨一年的衣服 I will iron your clothes for a year,
包括内裤 只要我能做到的 even the underwear, whatever it takes.
你能帮我和Shelly分手吗 Will you break up with Shelly for me?
靠 Shit.
小懦夫 Coward!
你好 Sam 我只是想来恭喜你 Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats
听说Suzy当上了你的新监督人 on Suzy being your new sponsor.
我能明白你的选择 I can see the appeal.
她酷毙了 从逼里散发出纯正的摇滚范儿 She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll,
所以 我一点也不介意 so...no hard feelings.
这是真的吗 Is it true?
关于我和Janis吗 About me and Janis?
是 那只是一夜情而已 Yeah, it was just the one night.
不是那个 你愿意当我监督人啦 No, about you being my sponsor?
如果我说是 你能保证不抱我嘛 If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me?
我保证 I swear.
是的 Yes.
看到了没 这不算拥抱 See, not a hug.
早上好 小宝贝儿 Morning, sunshine.
你真应该锁好窗户的 You really should lock your windows,
防止奇怪的东西爬进来 you never know who might crawl in.
- 她在 - 你的小女朋友吗 她去冲澡了 - Where's...? - Your little lady friend? She's in the shower.
手有点凉 真是不好意思 Sorry if my hands are cold.
你为什么不好 嗷 Why are you sorry...? Ugh!
Gwen把你们小叙旧和我说了 Gwen told me about your little rekindling.
小吗 她可说了是中上等水平 Little? She said it was average plus.
我家小Gwenny 所有事都会告诉我 See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything.
看来是你忘记告诉她一些事了 Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though.
她只是个普通朋友 She's just a friend!
穿着无裆情趣内裤 In crotchless panties?
那个是适于通风嘛 Those are for ventilation.
啊 Ow!
我就像是曾经的你 见洞就插 I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole.
喝高了 连吸尘器都上 问题就在于 Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is,
这么鲁莽 没有好下场 it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless.
她才是肚子被忧郁帝Casper搞大的人 My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.
看来她并不是把所有事都告诉你呢 Oh! Looks like she doesn't tell you everything.
我不相信你 I don't believe you.
如果我在说谎 If I'm lying,
我让你回来做完你没做的事 I'll let you come back and finish the job off.
我连我家吸尘器都能一并送给你 I'll even let you have my Hoover.
你最好去看看医生 I'd go and see a doctor if I was you.
我好像摸到了肿块 I think I felt a lump.
我要迟到了 I'm so late.
我一小时后要在一对女同的婚礼上献唱 I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour.
好冷啊 窗户怎么开了 It's freezing. Why's the window open?
你没事吧 脸色好差 Are you all right? You look pale.
我觉得我摸到了肿块 I think I felt a lump.
Sam 你就不能提前说一声再来嘛 Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits.
抱歉 我知道现在有点早 Sorry, I know I'm early.
本来想在车里等的 I was going to wait in my car,
但是我喝了一大杯玛奇朵 but I had a grande macchiato
快憋不住了 and I'm bursting.
可以借用一下洗手间吗 Can I please use your loo?
天哪 你是不是忘了我们有约 Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you?
没忘 厕所就在那里 No, toilet is right there.
啊 太感谢了 谢谢 谢谢 Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.
你得赶紧去那场女同婚礼了 Let's get you to this lesbian wedding.
你在和谁打电话 Who's on the phone?
你外甥 他好像情绪挺低落的 It's your nephew. He seems really upset.
他说有件很重要的事想和我说 He said he had something really important to tell me.
Andy 我发夹落在洗手间了 Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom.
不用夹了 你散着头发特别美 No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down.
你嘴真甜 That's sweet,
但是我真的挺需要的 but I really should get it.
谁在里面 Who's in there?
- 那是... - 又是因为发型吗 - It's erm... - Hairdressers again.
不 是监护权的案子 不太顺心 No, custody case. The full waterworks.
好可怜啊 待会替我安慰安慰她 Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me.
好 我会的 Yeah, I will.
啊 Ah...
如释重负啊 你刚在和谁说话呢 That's better. Who were you talking to?
我自己 Myself.
怎么听到女人的声音呢 I thought I heard a woman's voice.
当然 我有柔美的女人一面 Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side.
难怪有个发夹在这 That explains the hair clip.
不介意的话 能借用一下吗 Do you mind if I borrow it,
我忘记带了 I left mine at home?
行啊 随便用 No, sure, knock yourself out.
你一定会爱死这个的 I think you're going to love this.
小丑乐团 不错嘛 Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.
只是我不确定适不适合孩子们听 I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though.
开什么玩笑 孩子们肯定会爱死的 You're kidding, the kids are going to love this.
我13岁时边听这个边嗨着呢 I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13.
你13岁就开始吸大麻了吗 You started smoking pot when you were 13?
不 是11岁 No, 11.
话说 你现在要来一点吗 Speaking of which, do you want to get mashed up?
吸嗨了听着更棒 It'll make this music sound even better.
呃 Oh, erm...
我觉得 还是 算了吧 I really, er... No.
谢谢 Thank you.
我是不是让你觉得不自在了 I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I?
没 我现在挺自在的 No, I'm comfortable.
这个沙发可软了 This sofa's very soft
我包里还放着防狼口哨 and I've got my rape whistle with me.
开玩笑的啦 I'm kidding.
不要在意啦 没事 Forget it, it's fine.
我又来了 老毛病又犯了 I've done it again. I'm always doing this.
事情发展的挺顺利 Things are going well,
我风趣幽默 I'm being interesting...
我刚刚挺有趣的吧 I was being interesting, right?
很有趣啊 就像TED大会一样 Very, it was like a Ted Talk.
每年3月 TED大会在美国召集众多科学、设计、文学、音乐等领域的杰出人物 分享他们关于技术、社会、人的思考和探索
可我总会搞砸这一切 Then we go and ruin it all.
哪有 No.
如果你想吸大麻的话 Look, if you want to hit up your bong,
尽管去吸啦 you go for it.
我说不定也会来一口 I might even have a puff.
*自由自在* *Here's to being free*
背景音乐为Oliver Onions的
*拥你在怀* *Here's to you and me*
*自由自在* *Here's to being free*
*啦啦啦啦啦啦 佐罗归来* *La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back*
*心醉神迷* *It's fun to be*
*如梦似幻* *It's fantasy*
*兴致昂扬* *He's so glad*
*佐罗之眼 纵观世界* *To know the world as Zorro Zor-ro...*
你真有防狼哨吗 So, have you really got a rape whistle?
真有 Yeah.
不过不是防你的 I mean, don't take it personally.
我还带到我的针织俱乐部去了 I bring it to my knitting circle.
我听说那些婊子才是饿狼 I've heard them bitches be crazy.
你知道吗 有个作业要写最崇拜的三个人 You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired.
Errol选了青霉素之父 Alexander Fleming Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin,
天花疫苗发现者 Edward Jenner Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine
还有你 and you.
- 我 - 嗯哼 - Me? - Uh-huh.
在下何德何能 What did I do?
你是个好人啊 You're a good person.
你是个好老师 You're a good teacher.
Errol的电话 It's Errol.
听着 你最好有十万火急的事 OK. This better be a real emergency.
起码是摔断腿或被外星人绑架这种 I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum.
你知道"泄殖腔"是什么吗 Do you know what a cloaca is?
就是小鸡便便和下蛋的洞洞 'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.'
这个洞无所不能 甚至能交媾 They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus.
- 交媾 - 也就是 - Coitus? - It's another word for...
我知道什么是交媾 你手机不是没收了么 I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated.
Murray Thomas帮我偷回来了 我们现在是最好的朋友了 Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now.
你不是讨厌那家伙吗 I thought you hated that guy?
熟悉后发现他其实超搞笑的 He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him.
他对着山羊露屁屁 结果被追得到处跑 He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him.
而且他说要给我订<新科学家>杂志 Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription to New Scientist magazine.
那可要35镑呢 That's worth 35.
你个好收买的小浪货 You cheap slut.
是啊 所以我不需要你来接我了 Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more.
太棒了 现在你去睡觉 Perfect. Then you go to bed,
而我得去来一场甜蜜的交媾 cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus
运气好的话 还能好好玩玩泄殖腔 and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca.
*Melodie姑娘好 本事真不小* *Melodie, girl, look what you did*
*既为人师表 又童心不老* *You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids*
*善良又细致 心思还纤巧* *You're caring and you're sensitive*
*但要论激情 Shelly才是宝* *But you just don't turn me on like Shelly*
*Shelly姑娘好 戒都戒不了* *Shelly, girl, you're irresistible*
*你才华四溢 我为之倾倒* *You're talented and you rock my world*
*简直我翻版 就是不带把儿* *You're just like me except you are a girl*
*但和Gwen比 自尊先找找* *But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does*
*Gwen女王好 深镌我大脑* *Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head
*所言皆在耳 一句都不少* *I remember every word you said*
*如果哪一天 你们要实战* *And the time you chained me to my bed*
*面临三选一 真是要完蛋* *I just can't choose between*
*未来路漫漫 我该怎么办* *I don't know how I'll carry on*
*每个都完美 唯独一期盼* *You're all perfect except for one thing wrong*
*若能三合一 此生便无憾* *If I could only roll you in to one*
*想来又想去 全都干一干* *I guess I'll have to fuck you all*
*你们我都爱 不管好或坏* *I love you each despite your flaws*
*我只能负责 让你们崇拜* *I'll be the man you each adore*
*要说这办法 确实还不赖* *It's the only way it can work for sure*
*我有足够屌 你们爱不停* *There's enough of me to spread round and round and round.*
真不错 That's really good.
这是我前任 我要把这个当烟灰缸使 It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray.
这样就能把烟屁股都狠狠按在他脸上了 That way I can smash every fag end into his face.
酷 Cool.
我记得离婚之后 I remember after I got separated,
我翻遍了婚礼相册 I went through the wedding album
然后把Ben的裤裆都剪了下来 and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo.
一堆小裤裆 都放在一个信封里了 They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches.
安抚效果好得诡异 It was oddly soothing.
天哪 我希望能再回你这个年纪 Oh, God, I wish I was your age again.
35岁 为啥 胸都开始下垂了 35? Why? My boobs are starting to drop.
我才不在乎胸下垂 I don't care about boobs dropping.
- 我想回你这个年龄去复吸 - 什么 - I want to be your age so I can relapse again. - Huh?
漫漫吸毒路 你还嫩着呢 You're young in drug years.
你至少能再复吸三次 You can relapse at least three more times.
复吸期间我经历了几次最棒的高潮 Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon.
有一次我还怀孕了 I got pregnant during a relapse.
你未来还有大好时光呢 You've got some great times ahead of you.
我真的很高兴 Agnes说服我做你的监督人 You know, I'm really glad agnes talked me into being your sponsor.
- 是吗 - 她说你很特别 - She did? - Said there was something special about you.
我开始感受到了 I'm beginning to see that now.
Gwen 开门
妈的 Shit!
是我的房东 他不准我带女孩过来 It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over.
什么 为什么 What? Why?
他不幸爱上了我 He's in love with me.
还喜欢乱吃飞醋 快点 跟我来 It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!
- 什么声音 - 风声 都怪全球变暖 - What's that banging? - It's the wind. Global warming.
躲到浴室去吧 Hide in the bathroom?
你告诉我爸我怀孕了 Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?
我 切 好像是的 Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.
- Andy - 我别无选择 我蛋蛋捏在他手上呢 - Andy! - I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls.
你不去开门 Are you going to get that?
估计就是我姐 It's probably just my sister.
你不能把她晾在外面吧 You can't leave her out there, can you?
好吧 我去赶她走 别动啊 All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move.
King先生的惊喜快递 Surprise delivery for Mr King!
- 快过来打开 - 抱歉 Shell 现在不行 - Come over here and open it. - I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.
我觉得我生病了 I think I'm coming down with something.
- 我扶你上床吧 -不 我不想你也感染 - We should get you to bed then. - No! I don't want to get you sick.
我估计得了猪流感 所以 你还是走吧 I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go.
你不去开门吗 You going to get that?
她是个疯婆子 我知道为什么Joplin和Hendrix吸毒过量了 She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now.
都是和她一起鬼混害的 It was from hanging out with her!
你得帮我摆脱她 You have to help me get rid of her.
- 谁 - 我的监督人 她在外面停车呢 - Who? - My sponsor. She's parking the car.
我告诉她你是个音乐家 她坚持要见你 I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you.
准备好遗书吧 不出一小时你就得挂了 You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour.
- 嗨 Sam - 嗨 Shelly - Hi, Sam. - Oh, hi, Shelly.
音乐家公寓的味道真是无与伦比 Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment.
噢 你一定是那位摇滚明星了 Oh, you must be the rock star.
而你一定是他的某位粉丝 And you must be one of his groupies.
实际上我是他的女朋友 你是 I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are?
我是Suzy Sam的戒毒监督人 噢 这事是不是得保密 I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret?
- 是的 - 算了 我受够了做你背后的女人了 - Yeah. - Oh, well. So much for being anonymous.
到底怎么回事 WHAT is going on?
呃 Gwen 你来这干嘛 Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here?
我靠 你就是那个在这放牙刷的 Shit, you're "Second toothbrush".
现在能出来了吗 Is it safe to come out now?
天哪 Jesus Christ!
噢 嗨 各位 Oh, hi...everyone.
- 你听我解释 - 你背叛我 - I can explain this. - You're cheating on me?
背叛这词太严重了 Cheating is such an ugly word.
我们没上床 We didn't sleep together.
我们上了 不过我是他前任 But we did. But I'm his ex...
你们这些音乐家都是一个德行 You musicians are all the same.
我能再重申一遍吗 我们没上床 Can I just reiterate, we didn't sleep together?
那个胸罩不是你的喽 That bra wasn't yours, was it?
- 那是我的 能还给我吗 - 你掩护你弟弟出轨 - No, that was mine. Can I have it back? - You covered for your brother's infidelity?
真是姐弟情深啊 That is so co-dependent.
- 那是我的发夹吗 - 你是史上最差的监督人了 - Is that my hairclip? - Well, you're the worst sponsor ever.
我们没上床 We didn't sleep together.
谁会教唆一个瘾君子复吸 Who encourages a drug addict to relapse?
女士们 女士们 拜托了 淡定 Ladies, ladies, please, calm down.
你闭嘴 Shut up!
- 能把发夹还给我吗 - 当然 我非常非常抱歉 - Can I have my hair clip back? - Yeah, I'm so, so sorry.
你真是个混蛋 Andy You're such a prick, Andy.
- 我们戒瘾小组见 - 回见 - I'll see you in group? - Yeah.
音乐项目的事还是算了吧 Maybe we should forget about the music project for now.
Melodie 拜托 等等 别走 Melodie, please, wait, don't go.
我喜欢她 I like her.
能把胸罩还我了吧 Can I have my bra back now, please?
谢谢 Thank you.
咋了 正合我胸 What? It was my size.
噢 我再也不应门铃了 Oh! I'm never answering my door again.
这就是你今天得到的教训吗 That's all you learned from today?
还有鱼与熊掌不可兼得吧 How about - you can't have your cake and eat it too?
但是如果都是我的 凭什么不行呢 But if I bake the cake, why can't I have a slice?
是啊 但是你还想要别的就更不行了 Yeah, but you tried to eat three cakes.
我好像人心不足蛇吞象了 I think I've got a cake problem.
好了 我得走了 OK, I've got to go.
我得拉下脸去跪求可怜又可爱的Agnes吃我的回头草 I have to get on my knees and hope poor, sweet Agnes will take me back.
- 你还好吧 - 还好 还不至于自杀 - You all right? - Yeah. It's not like I'm going to kill myself.
拜 Bye
别再给我打电话了 Stop calling me.
我不想再听任何关于 I don't want to hear any more rubbish stories
你在旮旯农场里的垃圾故事了 about you on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
好极了 我在东克罗伊登火车站 Good, because I'm at East Croydon Station.
我说谎了 I lied.
我知道 你觉得我不到中上等水平 I knew it, you don't think I'm average plus.
不是这个 No...
我没怀孕 I'm not pregnant.
骗你是因为 看你难受我就很爽 I just said that because I got a kick out of making you feel bad.
不过我不觉得抱歉 你的行为才是恶心又可悲 I'm not sorry though. What you did was disgusting and pathetic.
我知道 我会知错就改 I know. I'm going to work on it.
好吧 总之 说出来心胸放松多了 OK, well...anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.
别盯着我胸看了 Stop staring at my chest.
Casper给我打电话了 他为之前的事道歉 Casper called. He apologised for everything.
我们复合了 We're getting back together.
太好了 Great.
还有一件事 And there's one more thing.
来吧 下手轻点 OK. Just don't hit me too hard.
安全降落 Geronimo.
- 什么 - 安全词啊 - What? - That's the safe word.
不是吧 永别一炮你都不要 Seriously, you're going to pass up on goodbye-forever sex?
其实 有人在等我 It's just...there's someone waiting for me.
谁能比上床更重要 Who's more important than sex?
- 你有大麻烦了 - 别担心 - You're in such deep shit. - Don't worry.
我卧床装病的时候 全班都去登山一日游了 The class went on a day hike while I stayed in bed faking sick.
他们要很久才会发现我跑了 They won't know I'm gone for ages.
干得漂亮 出什么事了 Nicely done. What happened?
我还以为你和新朋友要共度美好旧时光呢 I thought you were having a great old time with your new best friend.
Murray Thomas把我甩了 Murray Thomas dumped me.
他说<新科学家>太贵了 He said New Scientist was too expensive
而且Colin Peters愿意为一个健达出奇蛋做他的好朋友 and then Colin Peters agreed to be his best friend for a Kinder Egg.
真情都是鬼话 Relationships suck.
在你被通缉之前 我们还有几个小时 We seem to have a few hours to kill before you're a wanted man.
去乐高乐园逛逛怎么样 What do you say we swing by Legoland?
好啊 去吧 Yeah, I'd like that.
顺便说一句 我等你的时候 你不小心按到电话打给我了 Oh, by the way, your phone bum-dialled me while I was waiting.
- 是吗 你听到什么了 - 没什么 - Really? What did you hear? - Nothing.
安全降落 Geronimo!
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背景歌曲为Kid Cudi的