翻译：谋贤良
翻译：NANA小霸王
校对：NANA小霸王
时间轴：浓子
后期：鱼骨头 总监：NANA小霸王
前情提要
是蒂姆·韦狄克的消息 Something from Tim Whittick.
他叫我洋子 He calls me yoko.
他才没有叫你洋子 He doesn't call you yoko.
但他每次见到我 Every time he sees me, he somehow manages
总是会在对话中有意无意提到"小野" to work the word "Ono" Into the conversation.
"不是吧"[音同"小野"] "Oh, no."
我读了那个蒂姆拿过来的笔记 So I read through those notes from that tim guy,
又拿给法务看了 and I ran them past legal.
然后呢 And?
你们有法律问题了 You have a legal problem.
他妈的 Bloody hell.
他想跟你们一起拍这个戏 He wants to run the show with you.
我记得你说要把这事处理掉 I thought you were gonna make this go away?
我也记得 So did I.
你要是按现在的花销水平继续下去 If you maintain your current rate of spending,
到这一年你就会花光所有的钱 You'll run out of money by the time you get here.
2019年 2019?
滚 Fuck you.
戏里戏外
第四季第五集
我是鲍勃 It's Bob.
如果你没什么好消息 我就要挂电话了 If you don't have good news, I'm hanging up.
那行 保重 All right. Be well.
操 什么事 Oh, fuck. What?
看样子 彭策尔在四年前 Apparently Penzel stopped paying your taxes
就没给你缴税了 four years ago.
胡说 我还签了退税单的 Bullshit. I signed the returns.
而且签了税款支票 I signed the checks.
那他就是把退税单撕了 Then he shredded the returns,
把支票兑了现 然后把钱揣兜里了 cashed the checks, and took the money.
我跟国税局通了一早上电话 I've been on with the IRS all morning.
多少钱 How much?
七百九十万 $7.9 million.
天哪 Jesus.
没错 Yep.
现在怎么办 Now what?
现在就该把 Now we do what we should have done
一开始就该做的事给做了 in the first place.
不不不 别卖飞机 No, no. No, not the plane.
飞机根本不算事 Oh, the plane's not even a question.
我们得讨论讨论车子 海滩别墅 We got to talk about the cars, the beach house,
卡波的地产 the place in Cabo,
表 餐厅 the watches, the restaurant,
船 恐龙蛋 the boat, the dinosaur egg...
你表情好像蛋蛋被踢爆了 You look like your nuts got kicked in the nuts.
财务问题 Financial shit.
好吧 我有个主意 Okay, I had an idea.
你先别拒绝 And before you say no,
我觉得这事对于我们俩来说都有利可图 I think it could be very lucrative for both of us.
-什么 性爱录像 - What? - Sex tape.
你疯求了 You're fucking crazy.
你还记得我那一部吗 You remember mine?
我貌似还冲它打过飞机 I may have jerked off to it.
-挺不错的吧 -是还行 - It was good, right? - Good enough.
我就那一部录像就赚了不少钱 I made enough from that one tape
够我搬到布市去 to move to Brentwood,
旧金山内陆一个房价较贵的地区
那还只是我和一个黑人拍的 And that was just me and some black guy.
想象一下 Imagine...
我才不和你拍性爱录像 I'm not making a sex tape with you.
又不是说现在 I'm not talking about now.
我还有以前那个 I still have the one from...
以前哪个 From what?
你这是故意说笑吗 Is this you being funny?
完全不知道你在说什么 No idea what you're talking about.
真的 Seriously?
-什么 我俩 -对 我俩 - What, us? - Yeah, us.
得了吧 Come on.
-算了 -别啊 告诉我 - Forget it. - No, tell me.
-什么时候 -很多年前 - When? - Years ago.
那是咋的 在老友记之前 What, like, before Friends?
对 老友记之前 Yeah, before Friends.
我那会比你红 I was the famous one.
我可是演的凯莉 你谁也不是 I was Kelly. You were nobody.
你居然反过来不记得我 And you don't remember me?
不记得 No.
混蛋 Dick.
对了 午餐我请 By the way, this lunch is on me.
那肯定不行 是我们请你出来的 Absolutely not. We invited you.
那就太感谢了 因为我压根没带钱 Well, I appreciate that, since I did not bring any money.
没开玩笑 I'm not joking.
我还需要十块钱给泊车小弟 I'll also need $10 for the valet, so...
这也不是玩笑 不过没关系了 Still not joking, but all right.
祝个酒 祝我们三个 A toast to... the three of us.
这个事吧 是这样的 Oh, yeah. Well, look, here's the thing.
我们三个人一起工作 The three of us working together?
真的吗 Really?
这可真是最烂的祝酒词了 That's the worst toast ever.
真的 你必须得承认 可行性不高 Seriously, you have to admit, it's a bit untenable.
我不觉得 Not to me.
不过我一开始就是这项目的一份子 But since I was part of this project first,
如果你想退出 if you want to step aside,
我肯定支持 I would totally support that.
我才不会退出 Well, I'm not stepping anywhere.
不是吧 Oh, no?
你这次也听见了吧 Okay, you heard it again, right?
-听见了 -什么 - I did. - What?
讲真 我们不能一块干这个事 Honestly, we can't all do it together.
你心里清楚 You know that.
我不会走的 I'm not going anywhere.
我们都很感谢你 Look, we both appreciate--
我他妈才不觉得你们感谢我呢 Yeah, I don't think you appreciate fuck all.
我现在是用全身最后一点力气 I've been hanging on to this business
挣扎着留在这个行业内 by my damn fingernails.
三个礼拜之前 Three weeks ago,
我差一丁点就要放弃这破玩意 I was this close to junking the whole bloody thing
去沃特福德我哥那里上班 and going to work for my brother in Watford,
打扫犯罪和自杀现场 cleaning up crime scenes and suicides.
这是我的机会 This is my chance
不然就要去从墙上打扫掉脑浆 to not be wiping brains off a wall.
我好不容易有一部电视剧 Finally, I have a TV show--
而且是一部很肥的美国电视剧 a big, fat American TV show--
而且艾琳说这事如果成了 And Eileen says that if it takes off--
等下 等一下 Wait. I'm--I'm sorry.
艾琳 Eileen?
哦对 我跟艾琳签约了 Oh, yeah. I signed with eileen.
艾琳现在是你经纪人 Eileen is your agent?
-对 -我们的艾琳也是你的艾琳 - Right. - Our eileen is your eileen?
是的 Yeah.
有没有人愿意把我的脑浆从墙上扫下来 Anyone care to wipe my brains off the wall?
艾琳·杰菲办公室 Eileen Jaffee's office.
这里是肖恩和贝佛利·林肯 她在吗 It's Sean and Beverly Lincoln. Is she there?
我看看 Let me check.
艾琳接通了 You're on with Eileen.
你们好啊 Hi, guys.
你跟蒂姆签约了 You signed Tim?
我跟谁签约了 I signed him who?
我是说蒂姆 Not "Him," Tim.
-是的 -真的假的 - Oh, yes. - Seriously?
你不觉得这可能会存在利益冲突吗 You don't see this as a potential conflict of interest?
-目前没有 -你这不合理 - Not yet. - It's unconscionable.
亲爱的我这儿信号快断了 Honey, I'm about to lose you.
我在飞机上 快起飞了 I'm on a plane, and we're taking off.
你去哪 Where you going?
行 马尔蒙城堡 Okay, the Chateau Marmont?
艾伦·锡克的生日派对 Alan Thicke's birthday party?
加拿大老演员
后来去了我家 我在浴缸里给你口 We went back to my place, and I blew you in my hot tub!
天哪 Jesus.
我参加过艾伦·锡克的生日派对 I was at Alan Thicke's birthday party?
怎么回事 What was that?
她不知咋的以为我们俩 She's got it in her head that we--
这事发生过 It happened!
-你好 -你好 - Hello? - Hi, honey.
问个问题 Quick question--
我们刚听说这个叫蒂姆的 We just heard about this Tim person.
什么 What?
艾琳说他会跟你们一起做这部戏 Eileen says he's going to be running the show with you guys?
该死的艾琳 Bloody Eileen.
她是开玩笑的吗 Was she kidding?
贝佛利 Beverly.
我倒想 他是肖恩以前的搭档 I wish. He's sean's ex-partner.
天啊 说起这事都是气 Oh, god, it's too upsetting to even talk about.
我们得跟他见一面 Well, we're gonna need to meet him.
你们绝对不应该跟他见面 You should definitely not meet him.
如果他也会参与到这部戏中来 If he's gonna be part of the show...
最好只参与那么一丁点 Hopefully a very, very small part.
肖恩和我在尽最大努力 Sean and I are trying to keep his involvement
让他的参与最小化 to an absolute minimum.
我求你们了 别跟他见面 I am begging you, do not meet with him.
这样只会让他 It will only inflate
自我感觉更加莫名其妙地良好 his already ridiculous sense of importance.
太棒了 我们会安排一个会面 Great. We'll set up a meeting.
晚点再聊 白白 Talk to you later. Bye-bye.
可是 But--
你看着精神不太好啊哥们 You seem a little stressed, bud.
你觉得呢 You think?
彭策尔那事 The penzel thing?
简直像一场暴风雨 It's like the perfect storm,
刮来的全是屎尿屁 if the storm was made of shit.
开心点吧 午餐我请 Well, if it's any help, lunch is on me.
午餐一直都你请 Lunch is always on you.
能让我开心的只有工作 你那有吗 What'd help is a job. You got one of those?
我又不是魔术师 Hey, I'm not a magician.
你最好从屁眼里拉点东西出来 Yeah, well, you better pull something out of your ass.
你看的什么魔术表演 What magic shows did you go to?
你是想说现在什么工作都没有 You mean to tell me there's nothing out there?
不是什么都没有 有上门来找你的 Not nothing. Things come your way.
不过我也有在筛选 But I try to be selective.
我不想让你浪费时间 I don't want to waste your time with shit.
时间拿给你浪费 说啊 Waste my time. Tell me.
我刚接到一个电话 Okay, there's a thing I just got a call on.
然后呢 Yeah?
一般情况下我是不会拿这事跟你说的 Normally, I wouldn't even think of bringing this to you.
说吧 什么剧 Bring it. What's the show?
-不是剧 -电影 - Not a show. - movie?
也不是 是 Not exactly. It's...
派对 A party.
你耍我呢 让我去参加派对 Are you shitting me? You're bringing me a party?
看 所以我才先筛选一遍呢 See, this is why I screen stuff.
什么派对 What kind of party?
是中亚某个国家 It's a birthday party for the head of state
其中一个邦的领导人 of a country in central asia.
这是他的五十岁生日 He's turning 50, and he's offering
打算付五十万请你到场 to pay $500,000 for you to be there.
付五十万让我去参加一个派对 Half a million to show up at a party?
对 Yep.
这怎么能不告诉我呢 Why would you not bring me this?
他的领土是有一些争议 Um, his regime is somewhat iffy...
比较残酷 Torture-wise.
-你听说过哈拉其斯坦吗 -没 - You ever heard of Kharakistan? - No.
他是哈拉其斯坦的屠夫 He's the "Butcher" of Kharakistan.
他想让我去参加他的生日派对 And he wants me at his birthday party?
他据说是一个老友记迷 Apparently he's a huge friends fan.
喜欢那部戏 乔伊是他最喜欢的 Loves the show. Joey's his favorite.
不过你得知道 很多人都认为 But keep in mind, he's wildly considered
他是地球上最凶恶的独裁者之一 to be among the worst dictators on the planet.
-好 -他是战争犯 - Okay. - He's a war criminal.
有言论指控他不可言说的暴行 He's been accused of unspeakable atrocities.
从好的一面看 On the plus side,
他会派他的私人飞机来接你 He would send his private plane for you.
还有 你想请多少人就能请多少人 Also, you can bring as many people as you want.
还有谁要去参加 So who else is going to this thing?
他们是有联络我们的一些客户 They've reached out to a number of our clients.
-比如谁 -我不能说 - Like who? - I can't say...
好比我也不会告诉别人你会去 Just like I wouldn't tell anyone that you were going.
我问你 Let me ask you this.
我会是最大牌的吗 Would I be the biggest name there?
可能是电视明星里最大牌的 Probably in television.
有电影圈的 So feature people?
没错 这事很了不得 Oh, yeah. It's a big deal.
他在这事上耗费了几百上千万 He is spending millions on this thing.
请了奥普拉的派对策划人 He's got Oprah's party planner.
他们从奥地利空运水晶吊灯 They're flying in chandeliers from Austria.
另一方面 我得告诉你 On the other hand-- full disclosure--
他杀了一万一千人 就一月 He killed 11,000 people... In january.
-今年一月 -对 - This january? - Yes.
懂了 Got ya.
我需要做些什么吗 What would I have to do at this thing?
就去露个脸 多走动走动 Just show up, schmooze a little.
可能会有一帮人唱生日快乐歌 There might be a group of you singing happy birthday.
用什么语言唱 What language?
英语 他上过波士顿大学 Oh, english. He went to B.U.
这剧怎么样了 So how are things coming with the show?
棒极了 Ah, terrific.
我去了荷兰两次 看他们如何制作 I've been to holland twice to see how they do it.
很棒啊 Good for you.
你去过吗 You ever been?
没有去过 你有看见郁金香吗 No, no. Did you get to see the tulips?
谁他妈都不能错过郁金香 You can't fucking miss the tulips.
什么黄色郁金香 红色郁金香 It's like yellow tulips, red tulips,
紫色郁金香 purple tulips.
没完没了的郁金香 Enough with the tulips.
够了没有 不就荷兰吗 We get it. You're holland.
-是啊 -还有妓女 - Sure. - And hookers.
随便往哪看 都是郁金香和妓女 Everywhere you look, tulips and hookers.
好吧 行 Right. Okay.
我们拿到了你写的主持人名单 So, uh, we got your list of potential hosts.
很好 你觉得如何 Great. What do you think?
我得告诉你 Well, uh, just so you know,
伯特·康维已经死了 Bert Convy is dead.
天啊 Jesus.
不会吧 什么时候 No. When?
1991年 Um, 1991.
那太遗憾了 Oh, well, that's a shame.
他其实很合适 He'd have been great.
还有 理查德·道森也死了 Yeah. Also, Richard Dawson is dead.
不是吧 Come on.
还有盖伊·斯迈利是芝麻街里的一个布偶 And Guy Smiley is a puppet on sesame street.
看来谷歌跟我八字不合 Clearly google is not my friend.
看来是 Clearly.
我们需要一个新的名单 So we'll need a new list.
回头就给 这次没死人 You got it. And nobody dead.
那就太好了 That would help.
好吧 All righty.
你这边跟海伦处的咋样 So how's it going here with Helen?
她特别棒 Oh, she's terrific.
是吗 你喜欢在她下面工作吗 Yeah? You like working under her?
还是说你在上面 Or are you on top?
什么 What?
什么 "What?"
我不知道 I-I don't--
我不知道你从哪听来的 不过 I don't know where you got that, but--
行行行行 随你怎么说吧 Fine, fine, fine, fine. Whatever you say.
不过我告诉你 But FYI...
这事可以 那个女的很不错 Good for you. That is one hunk of woman.
咱们能别说了吗 Can we please drop this?
不说了 不说了 It's dropped. It's dropped.
我就是知道了你和我喝过同一口井水 I just get a kick out of knowing
心里还有点小激动 that you and I drank from the same well.
你说什么呢 What are you talking about?
真抱歉 我什么都不该说 Ah, I'm sorry I even said anything.
你和海伦 You and Helen?
是啊 那时候她还在我手下工作 Yeah, it was back when she worked for me.
就那一晚上 不过嘛 It was just one night, but ooh.
她真是够狂野的 She's a wild one
下面还有个纳粹标志 with that little swastika down there.
-什么 -你知道的嘛 - What? - Come on, you know.
有一个很小的纳粹标志纹身 That little swastika tattoo?
那是一朵花 That's a flower.
当时挺黑的 Yeah, it was pretty dark,
我那会又没做激光手术 and I hadn't had my lasik yet.
反正不是纳粹标志 Yeah, not a swastika.
那就好 That's a relief.
我得说 我当时看了还有点不舒服 I got to say, it made me a little uncomfortable.
这一整段对话都让我不舒服 This whole conversation is making me uncomfortable.
那有意思了 我倒是谈得有点性起 Funny, 'cause it's making me a little hot.
这一点也不让人有性致 It's not hot.
-是有点的 -没有 - It's kind of hot. - No.
你想想 就好像是我们三个人在一块 Come on, it's almost like the three of us were together.
-并不像 -有点像的 - It's not like that. - It's sort of like that.
一点也不像 Not even a little.
我脑子里可不是这么想的 Tell that to what's in my head.
我可管不了你那猪脑子里想的什么 I can't control the shit in there.
确实管不了 No, you cannot.
谢谢你过来 Well, thanks for coming in.
是我的荣幸 My pleasure.
我是认真的 And I mean that.
他们说我可以想带谁带谁 They're saying I can bring anyone I want.
这太好了 太感谢你了 Well, this is exciting. Thank you so much.
他还用自己的私人飞机送我们过去 And he's flying us there on his private plane?
是我的影迷 He's a fan.
我从没听过这个国家 I've never even heard of this country.
应该会很有意思 整整三天呢 It's gonna be fun. It's a whole three-day thing.
还有一些行程可以自己决定去不去 There's optional tours to, like,
比如古庙 ancient temples,
不然还可以去参观一个铀矿 or you can visit a uranium mine.
-妈呀 -怎么 - Oh, my god. - What?
你知不知道这个人杀了很多人 Are you aware that this man is a mass murderer?
我是听说了一些褒贬不一的传闻 Uh, yeah, I've heard some mixed things.
我看看 Let me see.
他屠杀了几十万人 He has killed hundreds of thousands of people.
大不了派对上人少一点嘛 So I guess the party won't be too crowded.
老天爷 他刚杀了一万一千人 Jesus christ, he slaughtered 11,000 people in--
今年一月 对我知道 In January. Yeah, yeah, I know.
你怎么能去参加这个杀人犯的生日派对 How can you go to this murderer's birthday party?
谁的派对 Who's having a party?
根据海牙国际法庭的意见 According to the hague,
在侵犯人权方面 his regime is second only to north korea
他的领土仅仅排在朝鲜后面第二位 in its human rights violations.
你受邀去参加那个了 Oh, you got invited to that?
你不会是认真在考虑这件事吧 You're not seriously considering this?
这是在给魔鬼唱赞美诗 It's endorsing evil.
应该受到道德上的谴责 It's morally reprehensible.
-就三天 -付你多少钱 - It's three days. - How much are you getting?
-五十万 -不错啊 - $500,000. - Nice.
他还付你钱 你都没说过 He's paying you? You never mentioned that.
-这样就更恶心了 -也可能更好呢 - That makes it even worse. - Or better.
天啊 世道真是变了 God, times have changed.
我参加伊迪·阿明的圣诞派对只收了三万 I only got $30,000 for going to Idi Amin's christmas party.
乌干达1970年代独裁者 屠夫
等一下 Hang on.
你跟伊迪·阿明过过圣诞节 You spent christmas with Idi Amin?
不只是我 Well, not just me.
有我 赫夫·维勒查泽 尤·伯连纳 It was me, Herve Villechaize, Yul brynner,
安吉·迪金森 还有伊娃·嘉宝 Angie dickinson, and Eva Gabor.
除安吉·迪金森外 三位均在上世纪八九十年代已去世
天 我以前对安吉·迪金森还挺来电的 God, I had such a thing for Angie Dickinson.
伊迪也是 而且我告诉你 So did Idi, and let me tell you,
那家伙毛手毛脚的 That guy was handsy.
是啊 他会为了这事流芳千古的 Yeah, that's what he'll be remembered for.
他们付你五十万美元 They are paying you $500,000?
还有个派对呢 Plus a party.
我知道你现在财务上正面临困难 Look, I realize you're in a tough position financially,
但这事你必须拒绝 But you have to say no to this.
从各方面来说这都是错的 It is wrong on so many levels.
好 假设 Okay, let's--
假设说我不去 Okay, let's say I don't go.
这会对任何事有任何帮助吗 What's that gonna accomplish, huh?
能挽救一个村庄不被屠杀吗 Does it save one village from being slaughtered?
能阻止一次斩首吗 不能 Does it stop one beheading? No.
这只意味着另一个傻逼明星 It just means some other schmuck celebrity
会拿到我的礼物袋 will get my gift bag.
没有错 到时候还会有礼物袋 That's right. There are gift bags.
你为什么要告诉我这个 Why would you tell me that?
他跟你说啥了 He told you what?
不是什么大事 It's no big deal.
我只是觉得有点怪怪的 I just thought it was a little weird
因为咱们聊过我跟默克的事 That we talked all about me and Merc
但是你从来没有提起过 and you never said anything--
我从来都不提这事 Well, I never said anything
是因为我让他当场发誓 because I made him explicitly promise
我们俩谁都不会告诉别人 that neither of us would ever, ever tell anyone.
他现在居然告诉你 And now he's telling you?
也就只有我啦 Well, just me.
-我们可不知道 -是不知道 - We don't know that. - No.
他都跟你说了 谁知道他还跟谁说了 I mean, if he's telling you, who else is he telling?
我不知道 I don't know.
我太生气了 I am so pissed.
我救他一条小命 给了他一个电视节目 I'm saving his ass, giving him a fucking TV show,
他就是这么报答我的 And this is how he thanks me?
往好的方面看 他说那晚简直不可思议 Um, if it helps, he said it was an amazing night.
唯一不可思议的事情就是我居然跟他睡了 The only thing amazing is that I did it.
这辈子最后悔的事情 Talk about shit you regret.
我当时正在跟爱德离婚 I was in the middle of getting my divorce from Ed.
他当时正在摆脱第一任老婆 He was still getting rid of the first one,
叫什么来着 没下巴那个 What's-her-name with no chin?
- 马琳 -马琳 - Marlene. - Marlene.
是的 没错 Yes. Very good.
我们都喝高了 他挑逗了一下 We were both drunk. He made a move.
我想"无所谓了 能有多糟糕" I was like, "What the hell? How bad can it be?"
-有那么糟糕吗 -糟透了 - That bad? - Oh, my god.
就像是在跟一个土豆做爱 It's like having sex with a potato.
一只流汗的土豆 A sweating potato.
而且那时候他还在带假发 Oh, and this was back when he still had his toupee.
中途还掉下来了 At one point, it came off.
对 我往下看 Yeah, I looked down,
就像是有个湿哒哒的貂趴在我肚子上 It was like this wet, little ferret on my stomach.
我的天哪 Oh, god.
而且到了最后 Yeah, and then at the end--
最后的才是压轴戏 'cause it needed to get worse--
他射在了我孩子的照片上 He came on a picture of my kids.
-什么 -没错 - What? - Oh, yeah.
摆在我床头柜上的 It was on my nightstand.
当你跟一个人说"不要射在里面"的时候 Now, when you say to a person, "Not inside me,"
不代表就可以 That doesn't give them license
什么地方都能射啊 to just shoot it the fuck anywhere.
-确实不对 -真不好意思 - No, it does not. - I'm sorry.
稍微瞄一下你会死啊 A little aim-- is that asking too much?
-说的没错 -当自己是火箭筒啊 - Totally fair. - Stupid bazooka dick.
那就是我最后一次跟男人发生关系 You know, that was the last guy I was ever with.
不是说他把我掰弯的 And I'm not saying he was the reason,
不过跟一个爱哭的男人搞 but, ugh, talk about going out with a whimper,
真的很爱哭 literally a whimper...
爱哭 又爱放屁 A whimper and then a fart.
是啊 放屁这事儿得花点功夫才能适应 Yeah, the farting thing takes some getting used to.
那么 So...
他还告诉你什么了 What else did he tell you?
就这么多了 Um, that's it.
真的 Really.
什么 What?
他倒是提起过你的纹身 He did mention your tattoo.
-不过 -什么 - Although... - What?
他以为那是个纳粹标志 He thought it was a swastika.
请告诉我你是在逗我 Please tell me you're kidding.
没有 纳粹标志 Nope. A swastika.
拜托 你好好想一想 这还有点好笑 Oh, come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny.
我不觉得 Not to me.
他到处跟别人说 He's going around telling people
我有个反犹太的阴门 I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?
我要杀了他 Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
-你要怎么做 -我还不知道 - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
但是我一定要整死他 But I'm so gonna get his ass.
好吧 我有点吓到了 Okay, now I'm a little scared.
他才该怕 He should be scared.
有那么大事儿吗 Is it really that big a deal?
有 Yes.
你觉得我希望别人知道 Do you think I want people out there
我跟默克·拉皮多斯睡过哪怕一个晚上 thinking I spent even one night fucking Merc Lapidus?
我作为一个人的形象还要怎么树立 I mean, what does that say about me as a human being?
睡了五年 Uh, five years.
对哦 Oh, right.
但那个 But that's--
情况不一样 That's different.
那个 That's--
你 You--
圆不回来了 Yeah, I got nothing.
是我的错觉 还是枕头 Is it me, or are there more pillows
比早上更多了 than there were this morning?
-十一点半了这谁啊 -是蒂姆 - Who's that at 11:30? - Tim.
他想知道我们 He wants to know what we're all wearing
明天去电视台开会穿什么 to the network meeting tomorrow.
他没有意识到他是我们的仇敌吗 Doesn't he realize he's our nemesis?
他才不该找我们问穿衣打扮 He isn't supposed to be asking for fashion tips.
就是啊 简直有病 I know. It's insane.
还真有胆子来问 Of all the bloody nerve.
你在打什么 What are you typing?
休闲时装 "Smart casual."
发了 There, done.
关机了 Phone off.
现在 床上的枕头已经被扒光光啦 And look, the bed is finally denuded of pillows.
说到扒光光 Speaking of "Denuded"...
我注意到这个词了 I noticed that word in there.
我就希望你能注意到 I was hoping you might.
请过来吧 Come here, please.
真有礼貌 So polite.
怎么了 What?
没什么 Nothing.
怎么了 What?
我满脑子都是蒂姆的事 I can't stop thinking about Tim.
不管的勃起的反义词是啥 Whatever the opposite of an erection is,
我都深刻的体验到了 I just got a big one.
对不起 I'm sorry.
光是想想要跟他共事 Just the thought of working with him,
一整天和他待在一个房间 being stuck in a room with him all day...
我可做不到 I don't think I can do it.
人生苦短 Life's too short.
我们哪有选择的余地 Well, what choice do we have?
我也不知道 I don't know.
或许我可以退出 你们两人合作 Maybe you should do the show without me.
什么 What?
你可以拍这个戏 You can do it,
蒂姆可以打字 And tim can type it.
这怎么能行呢 That's crazy.
不会的 我没事的 It's not. I'll be fine.
我可以去其他节目找份工作 I'll get a job on another show,
或者是做些慈善工作 Or I'll do charity work--
比如去帮助哈拉其斯坦的难民 Maybe something with refugees from kharakistan.
不 不行 没有你我不会去做的 No. No. I'm not doing it without you.
我也希望能让他消失 Look, I wish to hell I could just make him disappear,
但是我做不到 But I can't.
这是仅有的解决办法了 This seems to be the only solution.
你难道从不会厌倦妥协吗 Don't you ever get tired of compromising?
世界就是这么运转的 That's how the world works.
就试一试吧 Just give it a chance.
求你了 Please.
为了我 For me.
这不公平 That's so unfair.
所以我才这么说 That's why I said it.
好吧 Okay...
为了你 For you.
我爱你 I love you.
看看谁回来了 Mm, look who's back.
-他倒是挺有耐心 -谢谢 - He was very patient. - Thank you.
他听这句话听得还不够 He doesn't get to hear that nearly enough.
谁 Yeah?
也许这个能帮你回忆起来 Maybe this will jog your memory.
回忆什么 八十年代 Of what, the '80s?
我上哪去播放这个东西 How the hell am I supposed to play that?
用你的录像机啊 On your VCR?
没人有录像机 Nobody has a vcr.
-你能给我们找台录像机吗 -什么 - Can you get us a vcr? - A what?
等一下 停停停 Wait. Stop. Stop.
怎么 What?
那不是我 That is not me.
我知道那不是你 I know that's not you.
你知道那是谁吗 Aw, you know who that is?
那是迪恩·马丁的司机 That's Dean Martin's driver.
迪恩·马丁于1995年去世
是吗 Oh, yeah?
迪恩在凯莉里客串了一集 Dean shot a guest spot on Kelly.
看样子他的司机也在凯莉那客串了一把 Looks like his driver shot a guest spot on kelly too.
等一下 我肯定你就是下一个 Hang on. I'm pretty sure you're next.
下一个 Next?
这什么啊 性爱熟食店 What is this-- the vagina deli?
怎么样 想起了吗 So? Ring a bell?
没有 Nope.
你确定那是 Are you sure that's-- oh.
没错 那是我 Yeah, that's me.
谢谢你了 Thank you.
我的天哪 Oh, my god.
我他妈太年轻了 I'm so fucking young.
那我呢 What about me?
你现在看着还更年轻 You actually look younger now.
老天 Jesus christ.
我就像个婴幼儿 I'm like a baby.
你看我的屁股 Look at my ass!
屁股确实不错 It was a great ass.
这也不是多长时间的事啊 Well, this wasn't that long ago.
我到底发生什么了 What the hell happened to me?
是啊 那是个谜 Yeah, it's a mystery.
你看我把你翻过来那个动作 Look, you see that move where I flipped you over?
我现在得需要两个人来帮我 I'd need two guys to help me now.
这可真是世界上最让人郁闷的性爱录像了 This is the most depressing sex tape ever.
妈呀 连我的蛋看起来都很新鲜 Oh, man, even my balls look new!
你们来讲一讲吧 So why don't you catch us up?
你们三个人是怎么认识的 How did the three of you guys meet?
老肖和我是在大学认识的 Well, Sean-y and I met at university.
原来你们最开始并不是一起的 Oh, so you didn't all start out together?
不是的 Oh, no.
他和我是多年搭档了 He and I were partners for years.
贝女士是很久以后才出现的 La Bev came along much, much later.
我们当时一起给一个喜剧小品剧打工 We were all hired to work together on a sketch show,
然后突然之间 她就出现了 And all of a sudden, there she was
带着她的机智 还有 with her biting wit and...
这我也说不好 Pfft, I don't know what.
就说出来吧 Oh, say it--
逼 Vagina.
是这样的 It's true.
谁能跟那个竞争啊 How do you compete with that?
我当时只是以为他们俩 And I just thought they were cheating
备着肖恩的老婆艾米琳乱搞 on Sean's wife, Emmeline.
结果原来我也被踢出局了 Turns out I was out with the rubbish too.
我还以为我们俩关系很好呢 Oh, and I thought we were so close.
这都是前尘往事了 Uh, right, well, ancient history.
目前看来结果都还不错 Clearly, everything's worked out for the best.
倒是把这话说给艾米琳听听 Mm, tell that to Emmeline.
我会让我的逼给她留个条子的 I'll have my vagina drop her a note.
重点在于 我们现在都在一起 Yeah, the point is, we're all together now,
这事非常激动人心 And it is very exciting.
我们来聊一聊这事 Well, let's talk a little about that.
你们三个人打算怎么一起合作 How do you see the three of you working together?
这个嘛 Oh, well, um...
我们还没有仔细谈过细节 We haven't exactly worked out the nuts and bolts,
但是我觉得我们各自发挥所长 But I think we bring different skills.
比如说 肖恩和我来写剧本 For instance, Sean and I actually wrote the script,
创造人物性格 以及所有的对话 created the characters, all the dialogue.
而蒂姆很明显对于打字非常在行 Tim is apparently a whiz at the typing.
所以我觉得他干这个活就够了 So I guess he brings that.
当然不止这个 Well, you know, more than that,
-很明显 -谢谢你 - You know, clearly. - Thank you.
我倾向于认为我能带来全新视角 I like to think I also bring perspective.
先别误会 剧本确实很棒 Now, don't get me wrong-- the script is brilliant.
不用说 Obviously.
不过我觉得这两个离剧本太近了 But I think these two are so close to it,
他们不知道还有办法能再好好地改进一下 They can't see there are ways to make it much, much better.
-比如说呢 -是啊 请告诉我们 - Such as? - Yes, please tell us.
比如说 Well, for starters,
我觉得我们能把喜剧的成分再加强一点 I think we can really up the comedy.
我的天哪 Oh, my gosh.
如果你能再给加强 If you could get it up,
那就太好了 that would be wonderful.
这种事我觉得我们三个人 Maybe this is something we should discuss
私底下讨论就行了 just the three of us.
那肯定 Absolutely.
我就是想起来 Ah, it's just that I remember
老肖和我想出这个剧本的时候 when Sean-y and I were coming up with it.
不知咋的整体上感觉要更有趣 Somehow the whole thing just felt funnier.
还有 我觉得人物性格可以更锋利一点 Also, I think the characters can have a lot more bite.
真的吗 你觉得要更锋利 Really? Need more bite, do you?
-行了 -我觉得角色是还好 - Okay. - I mean, they're fine.
但是他们好像是有点平平无奇 But there's something a little nothing-y about them.
平平无奇 Nothing-y?
平平无奇 Nothing-y.
看来是摸了老虎屁股了 Ooh, obviously touched a nerve.
没有 我看你胆子是挺大的 No. You have a nerve.
我要插进来说句话了 Okay, I'm gonna jump in here, if I may.
拜托了 快请吧 Please, god, do.
在场每一个人都知道 Everyone here knows
要把一部戏做好 that to get a show right
几乎是不可能的 is almost impossible.
没有错 Exactly.
要做一部真正的热门剧 To get a real bona fide hit--
一部很棒的剧 需要一切都精准无误 Something great-- you need everything spot-on.
如果你犯一个错误 If you make one mistake,
那就得不到想要的效果了 then you don't have lightning in a bottle.
效果只能很平庸 You just have a bottle.
我现在就可以告诉你们 And I can tell you right now
这就是关键性的错误 that this is the mistake.
只能这样 So here's the deal.
要么是他 要么是我们 It's either him or us.
恐怕我的律师们 I'm afraid that's a deal my lawyers
对这事会有意见 won't be too comfortable with.
希望你的律师都很幽默 Well, hopefully they're funny lawyers,
因为你只能去和他们做这部戏了 since you'll be doing the show with them.
这够锋利了吗 Enough bite for you?
如果你现在退出 这事能顺利进展 Look, if you bow out now and this thing takes off,
你可以挣一大笔钱 you'll make a ton of money.
我们可以让艾琳和她自己谈判 We'll let Eileen here negotiate with herself
看她觉得怎么弄最公平 to see what she thinks is fair.
你还是会成为一部热门剧的创作人员 You'll still be one of the creators of a hit show,
你可以利用这事好好发展你的职业生涯 And you can parlay that into a whole career.
要么你就继续咬死不放 Or you can dig in your heels,
参与一部根本就不会开拍的戏 insist on being part of something that isn't happening,
从空荡荡的蛋糕里分一杯羹 and get a big slice of nothing-y pie.
你看着办 Your call.
不是吧 Oh, no.
谢谢 Thanks.
我操 Holy shit.
什么 不会吧 What? No way.
我的天哪 哥们 Oh, my god. Hey, buddy.
你一直在这吗 Have you been here the whole time?
-是啊 -你去参观铀矿没有 - Yeah. - Were you at the uranium mine?
没有 我去参加无人机那个了 No, no, I did the thing with the drones.
每个人都可以炸飞一部吉普 Yeah, we each got to blow up a jeep.
操 我该去参加那个的 Aw, shit, I should've done that one.
-这简直太疯狂了 -我的天 - How insane is this? - Oh, my god.
天鹅的那个 That thing with the swans?
太多天鹅了 Yeah, that was too many swans.
你要留着你的大羊驼吗 Hey, uh, are you gonna keep your llama?
要运回去挺麻烦的 It's a lot to schlep back.
而且留着干吗啊 And then what do you do with it?
我也不知道 不过这是个礼物 I don't know, but it was a gift.
我可不想惹他 I don't want to piss him off.
是不能 No. No.
你怎么没穿那个 How come you're not wearing your thing?
什么意思 不是说穿不穿都行吗 What do you mean? They said it was optional.
是这么说 但谁知道到底是不是都行 Yeah, but who knows what "Optional" means here?
再说了 我还有点喜欢 Besides, I-I kind of like it.
感觉像阿拉丁 I feel like Aladdin.
也像罗珀夫人 Or Mrs. Roper.
某喜剧中的角色
去吃点鱼子酱不 Want to get some caviar?
不是吧 还吃 Ugh, really? More?
-对啊 -行 - Yeah. - Yeah.
对了 待会回宫殿能载我一程吗 Hey, by the way, can I get a lift back to the palace?
他们把我司机给杀了 They shot my driver.
真的 Seriously?
-这地方简直太扯了 -是啊 - This place is nuts. - I know.
不过 一百万呢 But, hey, for a million bucks...