翻譯：謀賢良
翻譯：NANA小霸王
校對：NANA小霸王
時間軸：濃子
后期：魚骨頭 總監：NANA小霸王
前情提要
是蒂姆·韋狄克的消息 Something from Tim Whittick.
他叫我洋子 He calls me yoko.
他才沒有叫你洋子 He doesn't call you yoko.
但他每次見到我 Every time he sees me, he somehow manages
總是會在對話中有意無意提到"小野" to work the word "Ono" Into the conversation.
"不是吧"[音同"小野"] "Oh, no."
我讀了那個蒂姆拿過來的筆記 So I read through those notes from that tim guy,
又拿給法務看了 and I ran them past legal.
然后呢 And?
你們有法律問題了 You have a legal problem.
他媽的 Bloody hell.
他想跟你們一起拍這個戲 He wants to run the show with you.
我記得你說要把這事處理掉 I thought you were gonna make this go away?
我也記得 So did I.
你要是按現在的花銷水平繼續下去 If you maintain your current rate of spending,
到這一年你就會花光所有的錢 You'll run out of money by the time you get here.
2019年 2019?
滾 Fuck you.
戲里戲外
第四季第五集
我是鮑勃 It's Bob.
如果你沒什么好消息 我就要掛電話了 If you don't have good news, I'm hanging up.
那行 保重 All right. Be well.
操 什么事 Oh, fuck. What?
看樣子 彭策爾在四年前 Apparently Penzel stopped paying your taxes
就沒給你繳稅了 four years ago.
胡說 我還簽了退稅單的 Bullshit. I signed the returns.
而且簽了稅款支票 I signed the checks.
那他就是把退稅單撕了 Then he shredded the returns,
把支票兌了現 然后把錢揣兜里了 cashed the checks, and took the money.
我跟國稅局通了一早上電話 I've been on with the IRS all morning.
多少錢 How much?
七百九十萬 $7.9 million.
天哪 Jesus.
沒錯 Yep.
現在怎么辦 Now what?
現在就該把 Now we do what we should have done
一開始就該做的事給做了 in the first place.
不不不 別賣飛機 No, no. No, not the plane.
飛機根本不算事 Oh, the plane's not even a question.
我們得討論討論車子 海灘別墅 We got to talk about the cars, the beach house,
卡波的地產 the place in Cabo,
表 餐廳 the watches, the restaurant,
船 恐龍蛋 the boat, the dinosaur egg...
你表情好像蛋蛋被踢爆了 You look like your nuts got kicked in the nuts.
財務問題 Financial shit.
好吧 我有個主意 Okay, I had an idea.
你先別拒絕 And before you say no,
我覺得這事對于我們倆來說都有利可圖 I think it could be very lucrative for both of us.
-什么 性愛錄像 - What? - Sex tape.
你瘋求了 You're fucking crazy.
你還記得我那一部嗎 You remember mine?
我貌似還沖它打過飛機 I may have jerked off to it.
-挺不錯的吧 -是還行 - It was good, right? - Good enough.
我就那一部錄像就賺了不少錢 I made enough from that one tape
夠我搬到布市去 to move to Brentwood,
舊金山內陸一個房價較貴的地區
那還只是我和一個黑人拍的 And that was just me and some black guy.
想象一下 Imagine...
我才不和你拍性愛錄像 I'm not making a sex tape with you.
又不是說現在 I'm not talking about now.
我還有以前那個 I still have the one from...
以前哪個 From what?
你這是故意說笑嗎 Is this you being funny?
完全不知道你在說什么 No idea what you're talking about.
真的 Seriously?
-什么 我倆 -對 我倆 - What, us? - Yeah, us.
得了吧 Come on.
-算了 -別啊 告訴我 - Forget it. - No, tell me.
-什么時候 -很多年前 - When? - Years ago.
那是咋的 在老友記之前 What, like, before Friends?
對 老友記之前 Yeah, before Friends.
我那會比你紅 I was the famous one.
我可是演的凱莉 你誰也不是 I was Kelly. You were nobody.
你居然反過來不記得我 And you don't remember me?
不記得 No.
混蛋 Dick.
對了 午餐我請 By the way, this lunch is on me.
那肯定不行 是我們請你出來的 Absolutely not. We invited you.
那就太感謝了 因為我壓根沒帶錢 Well, I appreciate that, since I did not bring any money.
沒開玩笑 I'm not joking.
我還需要十塊錢給泊車小弟 I'll also need $10 for the valet, so...
這也不是玩笑 不過沒關系了 Still not joking, but all right.
祝個酒 祝我們三個 A toast to... the three of us.
這個事吧 是這樣的 Oh, yeah. Well, look, here's the thing.
我們三個人一起工作 The three of us working together?
真的嗎 Really?
這可真是最爛的祝酒詞了 That's the worst toast ever.
真的 你必須得承認 可行性不高 Seriously, you have to admit, it's a bit untenable.
我不覺得 Not to me.
不過我一開始就是這項目的一份子 But since I was part of this project first,
如果你想退出 if you want to step aside,
我肯定支持 I would totally support that.
我才不會退出 Well, I'm not stepping anywhere.
不是吧 Oh, no?
你這次也聽見了吧 Okay, you heard it again, right?
-聽見了 -什么 - I did. - What?
講真 我們不能一塊干這個事 Honestly, we can't all do it together.
你心里清楚 You know that.
我不會走的 I'm not going anywhere.
我們都很感謝你 Look, we both appreciate--
我他媽才不覺得你們感謝我呢 Yeah, I don't think you appreciate fuck all.
我現在是用全身最后一點力氣 I've been hanging on to this business
掙扎著留在這個行業內 by my damn fingernails.
三個禮拜之前 Three weeks ago,
我差一丁點就要放棄這破玩意 I was this close to junking the whole bloody thing
去沃特福德我哥那里上班 and going to work for my brother in Watford,
打掃犯罪和自殺現場 cleaning up crime scenes and suicides.
這是我的機會 This is my chance
不然就要去從墻上打掃掉腦漿 to not be wiping brains off a wall.
我好不容易有一部電視劇 Finally, I have a TV show--
而且是一部很肥的美國電視劇 a big, fat American TV show--
而且艾琳說這事如果成了 And Eileen says that if it takes off--
等下 等一下 Wait. I'm--I'm sorry.
艾琳 Eileen?
哦對 我跟艾琳簽約了 Oh, yeah. I signed with eileen.
艾琳現在是你經紀人 Eileen is your agent?
-對 -我們的艾琳也是你的艾琳 - Right. - Our eileen is your eileen?
是的 Yeah.
有沒有人愿意把我的腦漿從墻上掃下來 Anyone care to wipe my brains off the wall?
艾琳·杰菲辦公室 Eileen Jaffee's office.
這里是肖恩和貝佛利·林肯 她在嗎 It's Sean and Beverly Lincoln. Is she there?
我看看 Let me check.
艾琳接通了 You're on with Eileen.
你們好啊 Hi, guys.
你跟蒂姆簽約了 You signed Tim?
我跟誰簽約了 I signed him who?
我是說蒂姆 Not "Him," Tim.
-是的 -真的假的 - Oh, yes. - Seriously?
你不覺得這可能會存在利益沖突嗎 You don't see this as a potential conflict of interest?
-目前沒有 -你這不合理 - Not yet. - It's unconscionable.
親愛的我這兒信號快斷了 Honey, I'm about to lose you.
我在飛機上 快起飛了 I'm on a plane, and we're taking off.
你去哪 Where you going?
行 馬爾蒙城堡 Okay, the Chateau Marmont?
艾倫·錫克的生日派對 Alan Thicke's birthday party?
加拿大老演員
后來去了我家 我在浴缸里給你口 We went back to my place, and I blew you in my hot tub!
天哪 Jesus.
我參加過艾倫·錫克的生日派對 I was at Alan Thicke's birthday party?
怎么回事 What was that?
她不知咋的以為我們倆 She's got it in her head that we--
這事發生過 It happened!
-你好 -你好 - Hello? - Hi, honey.
問個問題 Quick question--
我們剛聽說這個叫蒂姆的 We just heard about this Tim person.
什么 What?
艾琳說他會跟你們一起做這部戲 Eileen says he's going to be running the show with you guys?
該死的艾琳 Bloody Eileen.
她是開玩笑的嗎 Was she kidding?
貝佛利 Beverly.
我倒想 他是肖恩以前的搭檔 I wish. He's sean's ex-partner.
天啊 說起這事都是氣 Oh, god, it's too upsetting to even talk about.
我們得跟他見一面 Well, we're gonna need to meet him.
你們絕對不應該跟他見面 You should definitely not meet him.
如果他也會參與到這部戲中來 If he's gonna be part of the show...
最好只參與那么一丁點 Hopefully a very, very small part.
肖恩和我在盡最大努力 Sean and I are trying to keep his involvement
讓他的參與最小化 to an absolute minimum.
我求你們了 別跟他見面 I am begging you, do not meet with him.
這樣只會讓他 It will only inflate
自我感覺更加莫名其妙地良好 his already ridiculous sense of importance.
太棒了 我們會安排一個會面 Great. We'll set up a meeting.
晚點再聊 白白 Talk to you later. Bye-bye.
可是 But--
你看著精神不太好啊哥們 You seem a little stressed, bud.
你覺得呢 You think?
彭策爾那事 The penzel thing?
簡直像一場暴風雨 It's like the perfect storm,
刮來的全是屎尿屁 if the storm was made of shit.
開心點吧 午餐我請 Well, if it's any help, lunch is on me.
午餐一直都你請 Lunch is always on you.
能讓我開心的只有工作 你那有嗎 What'd help is a job. You got one of those?
我又不是魔術師 Hey, I'm not a magician.
你最好從屁眼里拉點東西出來 Yeah, well, you better pull something out of your ass.
你看的什么魔術表演 What magic shows did you go to?
你是想說現在什么工作都沒有 You mean to tell me there's nothing out there?
不是什么都沒有 有上門來找你的 Not nothing. Things come your way.
不過我也有在篩選 But I try to be selective.
我不想讓你浪費時間 I don't want to waste your time with shit.
時間拿給你浪費 說啊 Waste my time. Tell me.
我剛接到一個電話 Okay, there's a thing I just got a call on.
然后呢 Yeah?
一般情況下我是不會拿這事跟你說的 Normally, I wouldn't even think of bringing this to you.
說吧 什么劇 Bring it. What's the show?
-不是劇 -電影 - Not a show. - movie?
也不是 是 Not exactly. It's...
派對 A party.
你耍我呢 讓我去參加派對 Are you shitting me? You're bringing me a party?
看 所以我才先篩選一遍呢 See, this is why I screen stuff.
什么派對 What kind of party?
是中亞某個國家 It's a birthday party for the head of state
其中一個邦的領導人 of a country in central asia.
這是他的五十歲生日 He's turning 50, and he's offering
打算付五十萬請你到場 to pay $500,000 for you to be there.
付五十萬讓我去參加一個派對 Half a million to show up at a party?
對 Yep.
這怎么能不告訴我呢 Why would you not bring me this?
他的領土是有一些爭議 Um, his regime is somewhat iffy...
比較殘酷 Torture-wise.
-你聽說過哈拉其斯坦嗎 -沒 - You ever heard of Kharakistan? - No.
他是哈拉其斯坦的屠夫 He's the "Butcher" of Kharakistan.
他想讓我去參加他的生日派對 And he wants me at his birthday party?
他據說是一個老友記迷 Apparently he's a huge friends fan.
喜歡那部戲 喬伊是他最喜歡的 Loves the show. Joey's his favorite.
不過你得知道 很多人都認為 But keep in mind, he's wildly considered
他是地球上最兇惡的獨裁者之一 to be among the worst dictators on the planet.
-好 -他是戰爭犯 - Okay. - He's a war criminal.
有言論指控他不可言說的暴行 He's been accused of unspeakable atrocities.
從好的一面看 On the plus side,
他會派他的私人飛機來接你 He would send his private plane for you.
還有 你想請多少人就能請多少人 Also, you can bring as many people as you want.
還有誰要去參加 So who else is going to this thing?
他們是有聯絡我們的一些客戶 They've reached out to a number of our clients.
-比如誰 -我不能說 - Like who? - I can't say...
好比我也不會告訴別人你會去 Just like I wouldn't tell anyone that you were going.
我問你 Let me ask you this.
我會是最大牌的嗎 Would I be the biggest name there?
可能是電視明星里最大牌的 Probably in television.
有電影圈的 So feature people?
沒錯 這事很了不得 Oh, yeah. It's a big deal.
他在這事上耗費了幾百上千萬 He is spending millions on this thing.
請了奧普拉的派對策劃人 He's got Oprah's party planner.
他們從奧地利空運水晶吊燈 They're flying in chandeliers from Austria.
另一方面 我得告訴你 On the other hand-- full disclosure--
他殺了一萬一千人 就一月 He killed 11,000 people... In january.
-今年一月 -對 - This january? - Yes.
懂了 Got ya.
我需要做些什么嗎 What would I have to do at this thing?
就去露個臉 多走動走動 Just show up, schmooze a little.
可能會有一幫人唱生日快樂歌 There might be a group of you singing happy birthday.
用什么語言唱 What language?
英語 他上過波士頓大學 Oh, english. He went to B.U.
這劇怎么樣了 So how are things coming with the show?
棒極了 Ah, terrific.
我去了荷蘭兩次 看他們如何制作 I've been to holland twice to see how they do it.
很棒啊 Good for you.
你去過嗎 You ever been?
沒有去過 你有看見郁金香嗎 No, no. Did you get to see the tulips?
誰他媽都不能錯過郁金香 You can't fucking miss the tulips.
什么黃色郁金香 紅色郁金香 It's like yellow tulips, red tulips,
紫色郁金香 purple tulips.
沒完沒了的郁金香 Enough with the tulips.
夠了沒有 不就荷蘭嗎 We get it. You're holland.
-是啊 -還有妓女 - Sure. - And hookers.
隨便往哪看 都是郁金香和妓女 Everywhere you look, tulips and hookers.
好吧 行 Right. Okay.
我們拿到了你寫的主持人名單 So, uh, we got your list of potential hosts.
很好 你覺得如何 Great. What do you think?
我得告訴你 Well, uh, just so you know,
伯特·康維已經死了 Bert Convy is dead.
天啊 Jesus.
不會吧 什么時候 No. When?
1991年 Um, 1991.
那太遺憾了 Oh, well, that's a shame.
他其實很合適 He'd have been great.
還有 理查德·道森也死了 Yeah. Also, Richard Dawson is dead.
不是吧 Come on.
還有蓋伊·斯邁利是芝麻街里的一個布偶 And Guy Smiley is a puppet on sesame street.
看來谷歌跟我八字不合 Clearly google is not my friend.
看來是 Clearly.
我們需要一個新的名單 So we'll need a new list.
回頭就給 這次沒死人 You got it. And nobody dead.
那就太好了 That would help.
好吧 All righty.
你這邊跟海倫處的咋樣 So how's it going here with Helen?
她特別棒 Oh, she's terrific.
是嗎 你喜歡在她下面工作嗎 Yeah? You like working under her?
還是說你在上面 Or are you on top?
什么 What?
什么 "What?"
我不知道 I-I don't--
我不知道你從哪聽來的 不過 I don't know where you got that, but--
行行行行 隨你怎么說吧 Fine, fine, fine, fine. Whatever you say.
不過我告訴你 But FYI...
這事可以 那個女的很不錯 Good for you. That is one hunk of woman.
咱們能別說了嗎 Can we please drop this?
不說了 不說了 It's dropped. It's dropped.
我就是知道了你和我喝過同一口井水 I just get a kick out of knowing
心里還有點小激動 that you and I drank from the same well.
你說什么呢 What are you talking about?
真抱歉 我什么都不該說 Ah, I'm sorry I even said anything.
你和海倫 You and Helen?
是啊 那時候她還在我手下工作 Yeah, it was back when she worked for me.
就那一晚上 不過嘛 It was just one night, but ooh.
她真是夠狂野的 She's a wild one
下面還有個納粹標志 with that little swastika down there.
-什么 -你知道的嘛 - What? - Come on, you know.
有一個很小的納粹標志紋身 That little swastika tattoo?
那是一朵花 That's a flower.
當時挺黑的 Yeah, it was pretty dark,
我那會又沒做激光手術 and I hadn't had my lasik yet.
反正不是納粹標志 Yeah, not a swastika.
那就好 That's a relief.
我得說 我當時看了還有點不舒服 I got to say, it made me a little uncomfortable.
這一整段對話都讓我不舒服 This whole conversation is making me uncomfortable.
那有意思了 我倒是談得有點性起 Funny, 'cause it's making me a little hot.
這一點也不讓人有性致 It's not hot.
-是有點的 -沒有 - It's kind of hot. - No.
你想想 就好像是我們三個人在一塊 Come on, it's almost like the three of us were together.
-并不像 -有點像的 - It's not like that. - It's sort of like that.
一點也不像 Not even a little.
我腦子里可不是這么想的 Tell that to what's in my head.
我可管不了你那豬腦子里想的什么 I can't control the shit in there.
確實管不了 No, you cannot.
謝謝你過來 Well, thanks for coming in.
是我的榮幸 My pleasure.
我是認真的 And I mean that.
他們說我可以想帶誰帶誰 They're saying I can bring anyone I want.
這太好了 太感謝你了 Well, this is exciting. Thank you so much.
他還用自己的私人飛機送我們過去 And he's flying us there on his private plane?
是我的影迷 He's a fan.
我從沒聽過這個國家 I've never even heard of this country.
應該會很有意思 整整三天呢 It's gonna be fun. It's a whole three-day thing.
還有一些行程可以自己決定去不去 There's optional tours to, like,
比如古廟 ancient temples,
不然還可以去參觀一個鈾礦 or you can visit a uranium mine.
-媽呀 -怎么 - Oh, my god. - What?
你知不知道這個人殺了很多人 Are you aware that this man is a mass murderer?
我是聽說了一些褒貶不一的傳聞 Uh, yeah, I've heard some mixed things.
我看看 Let me see.
他屠殺了幾十萬人 He has killed hundreds of thousands of people.
大不了派對上人少一點嘛 So I guess the party won't be too crowded.
老天爺 他剛殺了一萬一千人 Jesus christ, he slaughtered 11,000 people in--
今年一月 對我知道 In January. Yeah, yeah, I know.
你怎么能去參加這個殺人犯的生日派對 How can you go to this murderer's birthday party?
誰的派對 Who's having a party?
根據海牙國際法庭的意見 According to the hague,
在侵犯人權方面 his regime is second only to north korea
他的領土僅僅排在朝鮮后面第二位 in its human rights violations.
你受邀去參加那個了 Oh, you got invited to that?
你不會是認真在考慮這件事吧 You're not seriously considering this?
這是在給魔鬼唱贊美詩 It's endorsing evil.
應該受到道德上的譴責 It's morally reprehensible.
-就三天 -付你多少錢 - It's three days. - How much are you getting?
-五十萬 -不錯啊 - $500,000. - Nice.
他還付你錢 你都沒說過 He's paying you? You never mentioned that.
-這樣就更惡心了 -也可能更好呢 - That makes it even worse. - Or better.
天啊 世道真是變了 God, times have changed.
我參加伊迪·阿明的圣誕派對只收了三萬 I only got $30,000 for going to Idi Amin's christmas party.
烏干達1970年代獨裁者 屠夫
等一下 Hang on.
你跟伊迪·阿明過過圣誕節 You spent christmas with Idi Amin?
不只是我 Well, not just me.
有我 赫夫·維勒查澤 尤·伯連納 It was me, Herve Villechaize, Yul brynner,
安吉·迪金森 還有伊娃·嘉寶 Angie dickinson, and Eva Gabor.
除安吉·迪金森外 三位均在上世紀八九十年代已去世
天 我以前對安吉·迪金森還挺來電的 God, I had such a thing for Angie Dickinson.
伊迪也是 而且我告訴你 So did Idi, and let me tell you,
那家伙毛手毛腳的 That guy was handsy.
是啊 他會為了這事流芳千古的 Yeah, that's what he'll be remembered for.
他們付你五十萬美元 They are paying you $500,000?
還有個派對呢 Plus a party.
我知道你現在財務上正面臨困難 Look, I realize you're in a tough position financially,
但這事你必須拒絕 But you have to say no to this.
從各方面來說這都是錯的 It is wrong on so many levels.
好 假設 Okay, let's--
假設說我不去 Okay, let's say I don't go.
這會對任何事有任何幫助嗎 What's that gonna accomplish, huh?
能挽救一個村莊不被屠殺嗎 Does it save one village from being slaughtered?
能阻止一次斬首嗎 不能 Does it stop one beheading? No.
這只意味著另一個傻逼明星 It just means some other schmuck celebrity
會拿到我的禮物袋 will get my gift bag.
沒有錯 到時候還會有禮物袋 That's right. There are gift bags.
你為什么要告訴我這個 Why would you tell me that?
他跟你說啥了 He told you what?
不是什么大事 It's no big deal.
我只是覺得有點怪怪的 I just thought it was a little weird
因為咱們聊過我跟默克的事 That we talked all about me and Merc
但是你從來沒有提起過 and you never said anything--
我從來都不提這事 Well, I never said anything
是因為我讓他當場發誓 because I made him explicitly promise
我們倆誰都不會告訴別人 that neither of us would ever, ever tell anyone.
他現在居然告訴你 And now he's telling you?
也就只有我啦 Well, just me.
-我們可不知道 -是不知道 - We don't know that. - No.
他都跟你說了 誰知道他還跟誰說了 I mean, if he's telling you, who else is he telling?
我不知道 I don't know.
我太生氣了 I am so pissed.
我救他一條小命 給了他一個電視節目 I'm saving his ass, giving him a fucking TV show,
他就是這么報答我的 And this is how he thanks me?
往好的方面看 他說那晚簡直不可思議 Um, if it helps, he said it was an amazing night.
唯一不可思議的事情就是我居然跟他睡了 The only thing amazing is that I did it.
這輩子最后悔的事情 Talk about shit you regret.
我當時正在跟愛德離婚 I was in the middle of getting my divorce from Ed.
他當時正在擺脫第一任老婆 He was still getting rid of the first one,
叫什么來著 沒下巴那個 What's-her-name with no chin?
- 馬琳 -馬琳 - Marlene. - Marlene.
是的 沒錯 Yes. Very good.
我們都喝高了 他挑逗了一下 We were both drunk. He made a move.
我想"無所謂了 能有多糟糕" I was like, "What the hell? How bad can it be?"
-有那么糟糕嗎 -糟透了 - That bad? - Oh, my god.
就像是在跟一個土豆做愛 It's like having sex with a potato.
一只流汗的土豆 A sweating potato.
而且那時候他還在帶假發 Oh, and this was back when he still had his toupee.
中途還掉下來了 At one point, it came off.
對 我往下看 Yeah, I looked down,
就像是有個濕噠噠的貂趴在我肚子上 It was like this wet, little ferret on my stomach.
我的天哪 Oh, god.
而且到了最后 Yeah, and then at the end--
最后的才是壓軸戲 'cause it needed to get worse--
他射在了我孩子的照片上 He came on a picture of my kids.
-什么 -沒錯 - What? - Oh, yeah.
擺在我床頭柜上的 It was on my nightstand.
當你跟一個人說"不要射在里面"的時候 Now, when you say to a person, "Not inside me,"
不代表就可以 That doesn't give them license
什么地方都能射啊 to just shoot it the fuck anywhere.
-確實不對 -真不好意思 - No, it does not. - I'm sorry.
稍微瞄一下你會死啊 A little aim-- is that asking too much?
-說的沒錯 -當自己是火箭筒啊 - Totally fair. - Stupid bazooka dick.
那就是我最后一次跟男人發生關系 You know, that was the last guy I was ever with.
不是說他把我掰彎的 And I'm not saying he was the reason,
不過跟一個愛哭的男人搞 but, ugh, talk about going out with a whimper,
真的很愛哭 literally a whimper...
愛哭 又愛放屁 A whimper and then a fart.
是啊 放屁這事兒得花點功夫才能適應 Yeah, the farting thing takes some getting used to.
那么 So...
他還告訴你什么了 What else did he tell you?
就這么多了 Um, that's it.
真的 Really.
什么 What?
他倒是提起過你的紋身 He did mention your tattoo.
-不過 -什么 - Although... - What?
他以為那是個納粹標志 He thought it was a swastika.
請告訴我你是在逗我 Please tell me you're kidding.
沒有 納粹標志 Nope. A swastika.
拜托 你好好想一想 這還有點好笑 Oh, come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny.
我不覺得 Not to me.
他到處跟別人說 He's going around telling people
我有個反猶太的陰門 I have some sort of anti-semitic twat?
我要殺了他 Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
-你要怎么做 -我還不知道 - What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
但是我一定要整死他 But I'm so gonna get his ass.
好吧 我有點嚇到了 Okay, now I'm a little scared.
他才該怕 He should be scared.
有那么大事兒嗎 Is it really that big a deal?
有 Yes.
你覺得我希望別人知道 Do you think I want people out there
我跟默克·拉皮多斯睡過哪怕一個晚上 thinking I spent even one night fucking Merc Lapidus?
我作為一個人的形象還要怎么樹立 I mean, what does that say about me as a human being?
睡了五年 Uh, five years.
對哦 Oh, right.
但那個 But that's--
情況不一樣 That's different.
那個 That's--
你 You--
圓不回來了 Yeah, I got nothing.
是我的錯覺 還是枕頭 Is it me, or are there more pillows
比早上更多了 than there were this morning?
-十一點半了這誰啊 -是蒂姆 - Who's that at 11:30? - Tim.
他想知道我們 He wants to know what we're all wearing
明天去電視臺開會穿什么 to the network meeting tomorrow.
他沒有意識到他是我們的仇敵嗎 Doesn't he realize he's our nemesis?
他才不該找我們問穿衣打扮 He isn't supposed to be asking for fashion tips.
就是啊 簡直有病 I know. It's insane.
還真有膽子來問 Of all the bloody nerve.
你在打什么 What are you typing?
休閑時裝 "Smart casual."
發了 There, done.
關機了 Phone off.
現在 床上的枕頭已經被扒光光啦 And look, the bed is finally denuded of pillows.
說到扒光光 Speaking of "Denuded"...
我注意到這個詞了 I noticed that word in there.
我就希望你能注意到 I was hoping you might.
請過來吧 Come here, please.
真有禮貌 So polite.
怎么了 What?
沒什么 Nothing.
怎么了 What?
我滿腦子都是蒂姆的事 I can't stop thinking about Tim.
不管的勃起的反義詞是啥 Whatever the opposite of an erection is,
我都深刻的體驗到了 I just got a big one.
對不起 I'm sorry.
光是想想要跟他共事 Just the thought of working with him,
一整天和他待在一個房間 being stuck in a room with him all day...
我可做不到 I don't think I can do it.
人生苦短 Life's too short.
我們哪有選擇的余地 Well, what choice do we have?
我也不知道 I don't know.
或許我可以退出 你們兩人合作 Maybe you should do the show without me.
什么 What?
你可以拍這個戲 You can do it,
蒂姆可以打字 And tim can type it.
這怎么能行呢 That's crazy.
不會的 我沒事的 It's not. I'll be fine.
我可以去其他節目找份工作 I'll get a job on another show,
或者是做些慈善工作 Or I'll do charity work--
比如去幫助哈拉其斯坦的難民 Maybe something with refugees from kharakistan.
不 不行 沒有你我不會去做的 No. No. I'm not doing it without you.
我也希望能讓他消失 Look, I wish to hell I could just make him disappear,
但是我做不到 But I can't.
這是僅有的解決辦法了 This seems to be the only solution.
你難道從不會厭倦妥協嗎 Don't you ever get tired of compromising?
世界就是這么運轉的 That's how the world works.
就試一試吧 Just give it a chance.
求你了 Please.
為了我 For me.
這不公平 That's so unfair.
所以我才這么說 That's why I said it.
好吧 Okay...
為了你 For you.
我愛你 I love you.
看看誰回來了 Mm, look who's back.
-他倒是挺有耐心 -謝謝 - He was very patient. - Thank you.
他聽這句話聽得還不夠 He doesn't get to hear that nearly enough.
誰 Yeah?
也許這個能幫你回憶起來 Maybe this will jog your memory.
回憶什么 八十年代 Of what, the '80s?
我上哪去播放這個東西 How the hell am I supposed to play that?
用你的錄像機啊 On your VCR?
沒人有錄像機 Nobody has a vcr.
-你能給我們找臺錄像機嗎 -什么 - Can you get us a vcr? - A what?
等一下 停停停 Wait. Stop. Stop.
怎么 What?
那不是我 That is not me.
我知道那不是你 I know that's not you.
你知道那是誰嗎 Aw, you know who that is?
那是迪恩·馬丁的司機 That's Dean Martin's driver.
迪恩·馬丁于1995年去世
是嗎 Oh, yeah?
迪恩在凱莉里客串了一集 Dean shot a guest spot on Kelly.
看樣子他的司機也在凱莉那客串了一把 Looks like his driver shot a guest spot on kelly too.
等一下 我肯定你就是下一個 Hang on. I'm pretty sure you're next.
下一個 Next?
這什么啊 性愛熟食店 What is this-- the vagina deli?
怎么樣 想起了嗎 So? Ring a bell?
沒有 Nope.
你確定那是 Are you sure that's-- oh.
沒錯 那是我 Yeah, that's me.
謝謝你了 Thank you.
我的天哪 Oh, my god.
我他媽太年輕了 I'm so fucking young.
那我呢 What about me?
你現在看著還更年輕 You actually look younger now.
老天 Jesus christ.
我就像個嬰幼兒 I'm like a baby.
你看我的屁股 Look at my ass!
屁股確實不錯 It was a great ass.
這也不是多長時間的事啊 Well, this wasn't that long ago.
我到底發生什么了 What the hell happened to me?
是啊 那是個謎 Yeah, it's a mystery.
你看我把你翻過來那個動作 Look, you see that move where I flipped you over?
我現在得需要兩個人來幫我 I'd need two guys to help me now.
這可真是世界上最讓人郁悶的性愛錄像了 This is the most depressing sex tape ever.
媽呀 連我的蛋看起來都很新鮮 Oh, man, even my balls look new!
你們來講一講吧 So why don't you catch us up?
你們三個人是怎么認識的 How did the three of you guys meet?
老肖和我是在大學認識的 Well, Sean-y and I met at university.
原來你們最開始并不是一起的 Oh, so you didn't all start out together?
不是的 Oh, no.
他和我是多年搭檔了 He and I were partners for years.
貝女士是很久以后才出現的 La Bev came along much, much later.
我們當時一起給一個喜劇小品劇打工 We were all hired to work together on a sketch show,
然后突然之間 她就出現了 And all of a sudden, there she was
帶著她的機智 還有 with her biting wit and...
這我也說不好 Pfft, I don't know what.
就說出來吧 Oh, say it--
逼 Vagina.
是這樣的 It's true.
誰能跟那個競爭啊 How do you compete with that?
我當時只是以為他們倆 And I just thought they were cheating
備著肖恩的老婆艾米琳亂搞 on Sean's wife, Emmeline.
結果原來我也被踢出局了 Turns out I was out with the rubbish too.
我還以為我們倆關系很好呢 Oh, and I thought we were so close.
這都是前塵往事了 Uh, right, well, ancient history.
目前看來結果都還不錯 Clearly, everything's worked out for the best.
倒是把這話說給艾米琳聽聽 Mm, tell that to Emmeline.
我會讓我的逼給她留個條子的 I'll have my vagina drop her a note.
重點在于 我們現在都在一起 Yeah, the point is, we're all together now,
這事非常激動人心 And it is very exciting.
我們來聊一聊這事 Well, let's talk a little about that.
你們三個人打算怎么一起合作 How do you see the three of you working together?
這個嘛 Oh, well, um...
我們還沒有仔細談過細節 We haven't exactly worked out the nuts and bolts,
但是我覺得我們各自發揮所長 But I think we bring different skills.
比如說 肖恩和我來寫劇本 For instance, Sean and I actually wrote the script,
創造人物性格 以及所有的對話 created the characters, all the dialogue.
而蒂姆很明顯對于打字非常在行 Tim is apparently a whiz at the typing.
所以我覺得他干這個活就夠了 So I guess he brings that.
當然不止這個 Well, you know, more than that,
-很明顯 -謝謝你 - You know, clearly. - Thank you.
我傾向于認為我能帶來全新視角 I like to think I also bring perspective.
先別誤會 劇本確實很棒 Now, don't get me wrong-- the script is brilliant.
不用說 Obviously.
不過我覺得這兩個離劇本太近了 But I think these two are so close to it,
他們不知道還有辦法能再好好地改進一下 They can't see there are ways to make it much, much better.
-比如說呢 -是啊 請告訴我們 - Such as? - Yes, please tell us.
比如說 Well, for starters,
我覺得我們能把喜劇的成分再加強一點 I think we can really up the comedy.
我的天哪 Oh, my gosh.
如果你能再給加強 If you could get it up,
那就太好了 that would be wonderful.
這種事我覺得我們三個人 Maybe this is something we should discuss
私底下討論就行了 just the three of us.
那肯定 Absolutely.
我就是想起來 Ah, it's just that I remember
老肖和我想出這個劇本的時候 when Sean-y and I were coming up with it.
不知咋的整體上感覺要更有趣 Somehow the whole thing just felt funnier.
還有 我覺得人物性格可以更鋒利一點 Also, I think the characters can have a lot more bite.
真的嗎 你覺得要更鋒利 Really? Need more bite, do you?
-行了 -我覺得角色是還好 - Okay. - I mean, they're fine.
但是他們好像是有點平平無奇 But there's something a little nothing-y about them.
平平無奇 Nothing-y?
平平無奇 Nothing-y.
看來是摸了老虎屁股了 Ooh, obviously touched a nerve.
沒有 我看你膽子是挺大的 No. You have a nerve.
我要插進來說句話了 Okay, I'm gonna jump in here, if I may.
拜托了 快請吧 Please, god, do.
在場每一個人都知道 Everyone here knows
要把一部戲做好 that to get a show right
幾乎是不可能的 is almost impossible.
沒有錯 Exactly.
要做一部真正的熱門劇 To get a real bona fide hit--
一部很棒的劇 需要一切都精準無誤 Something great-- you need everything spot-on.
如果你犯一個錯誤 If you make one mistake,
那就得不到想要的效果了 then you don't have lightning in a bottle.
效果只能很平庸 You just have a bottle.
我現在就可以告訴你們 And I can tell you right now
這就是關鍵性的錯誤 that this is the mistake.
只能這樣 So here's the deal.
要么是他 要么是我們 It's either him or us.
恐怕我的律師們 I'm afraid that's a deal my lawyers
對這事會有意見 won't be too comfortable with.
希望你的律師都很幽默 Well, hopefully they're funny lawyers,
因為你只能去和他們做這部戲了 since you'll be doing the show with them.
這夠鋒利了嗎 Enough bite for you?
如果你現在退出 這事能順利進展 Look, if you bow out now and this thing takes off,
你可以掙一大筆錢 you'll make a ton of money.
我們可以讓艾琳和她自己談判 We'll let Eileen here negotiate with herself
看她覺得怎么弄最公平 to see what she thinks is fair.
你還是會成為一部熱門劇的創作人員 You'll still be one of the creators of a hit show,
你可以利用這事好好發展你的職業生涯 And you can parlay that into a whole career.
要么你就繼續咬死不放 Or you can dig in your heels,
參與一部根本就不會開拍的戲 insist on being part of something that isn't happening,
從空蕩蕩的蛋糕里分一杯羹 and get a big slice of nothing-y pie.
你看著辦 Your call.
不是吧 Oh, no.
謝謝 Thanks.
我操 Holy shit.
什么 不會吧 What? No way.
我的天哪 哥們 Oh, my god. Hey, buddy.
你一直在這嗎 Have you been here the whole time?
-是啊 -你去參觀鈾礦沒有 - Yeah. - Were you at the uranium mine?
沒有 我去參加無人機那個了 No, no, I did the thing with the drones.
每個人都可以炸飛一部吉普 Yeah, we each got to blow up a jeep.
操 我該去參加那個的 Aw, shit, I should've done that one.
-這簡直太瘋狂了 -我的天 - How insane is this? - Oh, my god.
天鵝的那個 That thing with the swans?
太多天鵝了 Yeah, that was too many swans.
你要留著你的大羊駝嗎 Hey, uh, are you gonna keep your llama?
要運回去挺麻煩的 It's a lot to schlep back.
而且留著干嗎啊 And then what do you do with it?
我也不知道 不過這是個禮物 I don't know, but it was a gift.
我可不想惹他 I don't want to piss him off.
是不能 No. No.
你怎么沒穿那個 How come you're not wearing your thing?
什么意思 不是說穿不穿都行嗎 What do you mean? They said it was optional.
是這么說 但誰知道到底是不是都行 Yeah, but who knows what "Optional" means here?
再說了 我還有點喜歡 Besides, I-I kind of like it.
感覺像阿拉丁 I feel like Aladdin.
也像羅珀夫人 Or Mrs. Roper.
某喜劇中的角色
去吃點魚子醬不 Want to get some caviar?
不是吧 還吃 Ugh, really? More?
-對啊 -行 - Yeah. - Yeah.
對了 待會回宮殿能載我一程嗎 Hey, by the way, can I get a lift back to the palace?
他們把我司機給殺了 They shot my driver.
真的 Seriously?
-這地方簡直太扯了 -是啊 - This place is nuts. - I know.
不過 一百萬呢 But, hey, for a million bucks...