翻译：别扭大菜 小肚腩
翻译：NANA小霸王
校对：NANA小霸王
时间轴：浓子
后期：鱼骨头 总监：NANA小霸王
前情提要
彭策尔在四年前就没给你缴税了 Penzel stopped paying your taxes four years ago.
胡说 我还签了退税单的 Bullshit. I signed the returns.
而且签了税款支票 I signed the checks.
那他就是把退税单撕了 Then he shredded the returns,
把支票兑了现 然后把钱揣兜里了 cashed the checks, and took the money.
我跟国税局通了一早上电话 I've been on with the IRS all morning.
-多少钱 -七百九十万 - How much? - 7.9 million.
天哪 Jesus.
我感觉到有点 I thought I sensed a certain...
你跟海伦有点什么 between you and Helen.
那 那个 And the...
那什么呢 part?
我显然是没有这么近距离见过 Oh, well, obviously I've never seen one that close before.
-显然了 -我本来以为会很奇怪 - Obviously. - I thought it'd be a little weird,
但是你凑过去之后就感觉 这我熟 but once you get down there, it's like, "Oh, I know you."
戏里戏外 第四季 第六集
感觉已经好久没见到你了 I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.
是啊 难以置信 I know. It's crazy.
最近我谁都没见 I haven't seen anybody.
那你和海伦还 So this thing with Helen is still...
天呐 我们可是真的 真的 Oh, my God, we are together literally, literally,
-真的 -说一遍就行 - literally... - Only need one.
真的一直腻在一起 literally 24-7.
我都不记得上次睡自己床是啥时候了 I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed.
我能来也只是因为她要去参加什么早餐会 The only reason I'm here now is she had some breakfast thing.
真是受宠若惊 Aww, flattering.
还能怎么说呢 Hey, what can I say?
那女人彻底爱上我了 Ze woman is into me.
对了 她还喜欢我的嗓音 Oh, and yes, she still likes my voices.
这说不通啊 Well, that makes no sense.
还有 Oh, and...
看到没 There.
挺漂亮 Oh, pretty.
可不是嘛 Isn't it?
她买了一对 She got us matching ones.
一对 Matching?
就两周 After two weeks?
其实她上周就送我了 Actually, she gave it to me last week.
就差根铁链拴住你了 You're one link away from a chain gang.
好吧 她确实有点太过热情 Okay, fine, she's a little intense.
但我宁愿选她 也不选某个 But I'd rather have that than some guy
不肯让我参加他儿子的成年礼 who doesn't even invite me to his son's bar mitzvah
却想我穿着他老婆的婚纱给他口的男人 but wants me to blow him in his wife's wedding dress.
-默克 -对 - Merc? - Yeah.
是你穿着婚纱 还是他穿着 Were you in the dress, or was he in the dress?
-我穿啊 -我前面没搞清 - I was in the dress. - Oh, I wasn't clear.
只要你开心就好 Look, as long as you're happy.
我当然开心 Of course I'm happy.
总之 我现在不是和你一起散步了吗 Anyway, I'm here with you now, yeah?
跟我聊聊呗 So talk to me.
谢天谢地我们和蒂姆之间的 Well, thankfully our nightmare...
-噩梦终于 -喂 - with Tim is final... - Hello?
什么叫她取消了 What do you mean she canceled?
海伦打来的 It's Helen.
简直胡扯 That's bullshit.
得了吧 十八个佣人都服侍不过来 Please, she has, like, 18 nannies for that.
她居然这么说你 你怎么回的 She said that to you? What did you say?
不是吧 You did not.
-我喜欢 -我喜欢 - I love it. - I love it.
-神回复 -神回复 - That's perfect. - That's perfect.
等等 靠 Wait, shit.
好像没信号了 喂 听得到吗 I think I lost you. Hello? Hello?
那我就挂了 拜拜 Okay, I'm hanging up now. B-bye.
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
对不起 我没找到机会挂 I'm so sorry. I just couldn't get off.
确实如此 No, of course not.
要是有人发明能挂电话的按键就好了 If only they'd invent a little button that ends a call.
等我马上回拨一个 Just let me quickly call her back.
不是吧 Seriously?
得让她知道我没遇到摔下山崖之类的意外 So she knows I didn't fall off a cliff or something.
或是被人推下去 Or get pushed off.
喂 Hello?
我知道 我刚这没信号 I know. I lost you.
抱歉 Sorry.
这样清楚了吗 Is this better?
喂 他妈的 Hello? Oh, shoot.
我又没信号了 I-I'm losing you again.
先别挂 D-don't hang up.
听到了吗 This better?
有了有了 你再说一遍 Oh, okay, okay. Say it again?
没错 Exactly.
她就是她自己最大的敌人 Well, she's her own worst enemy.
你们好呀 Hey, you guys.
-早啊莫宁 -你好 - Morning, Morning. - Hello.
我听说你们的新剧好评如潮啊 I have been hearing such great things about your new show.
-是吗 -那真是太好了 - Have you? - Oh, that's so nice.
大家都在说 超 精 彩 Word around town? Ah-ma-zing.
-不敢当啊 -还得继续努力 - Well, I don't know about that. - Still lots of work to do.
我真的很为你俩开心 I'm just so happy for you guys, seriously.
经历了这些破事 After going through something like this,
你们是该来点好事了 you so deserve something like that.
-谢谢 -谢谢你这么说 -Thank you. - Oh, that's very kind.
我还没看过剧本 I haven't read it yet,
但听说大家都是一人分饰两角吗 but I heard everyone gets to play two parts?
是这个意思 That's the concept.
太棒了 棒极了 Brilliant, brilliant.
能参演这剧 真是天大的荣幸 And what a gift to those actors.
跟你说一下 Just so you know,
我们不是没考虑过你 it's not that we didn't think of you,
只是不巧 but unfortunately,
实在没有适合你的角色 there's really nothing that you'd be right for.
我们也希望有适合你的 但是 We wish there were, but...
天呐 我压根没有那个意思 Oh, my God, you guys, I so didn't even go there.
快别再说了 Stop it, no.
我们只是想告知一声 Well, we wanted you to know.
别说了 我只是来祝贺你们的 Stop, please. I just came over to say congrats.
顺便说句 And by the way,
我现在真的一点也不想再接新剧 the last thing I need right now is another show, ugh.
我妹妹马上要办婚礼 I've got my sister's wedding coming up,
那简直是另一场噩梦 and that's a... a whole other nightmare.
她坐轮椅 还没想好怎么布置坡道 She's in a chair, so just figuring out the ramps...
所以我揽了这活 So I've got that and...
恭喜你妹妹了 Well, congratulations, um, to your sister.
至于你们说没有适合我的角色 我懂 And as far as me not being right for your thing, I get it.
我完全都懂 Hello? Makes total sense.
当然 你们只了解我前一部剧的表现 Of course, you really only know me from this,
这完全没法展现 which is hardly the most...
但是我已经尽力了 But hey, I did my best here.
台词又不是我编的 I don't make up the words.
但真的没事 But it's fine, really.
毕竟是你们的剧 It's your show.
你们知道需要什么角色 You know what you want.
哪轮得到我指手画脚 Who am I to tell you?
你俩可是《冰球小子》的幕后天才编剧啊 Come on, you're the geniuses behind Pucks!
-没错 -我只是觉得他们 - Right, well... - I just think it's fantastic
肯让你们拍这新剧真是太好了 they're even letting you do it.
你们拍完这一部 还没人说 I mean, after this, nobody's like,
"你俩太烂了 快滚" "You stunk up the joint. Get out."
还敢采用如此冒险的设定 And with such a risky concept.
每个人都一人分饰两角 Everybody plays two parts?
观众才不会很快就看腻 Yeah, that won't get tired fast.
我纯属说笑 I'm totally kidding.
你们知道我只会祝你们一切顺利 You know I only wish you good things.
我们知道 We know you do.
加油拍吧 加油加油加油 Now go get 'em. Go, go, go.
加你妈的油 Or go fuck yourselves.
她应该再走远点再说最后一句话 She might have got a little further away before she said it.
滚 Bite me.
我是鲍勃 It's Bob.
最害怕的开场白 The two words I dread the most.
只是做好我本职工作 Just doing my job.
还是得谈下国税局的事 So we've got to talk about this IRS thing.
八百万可不会凭空消失 8 million isn't going away.
不是七百九十万吗 What happened to 7.9?
那是上周 That was last week.
有种东西叫利息 It's called interest.
天呐 Oh, Jesus.
那我要怎么做 So what do I do?
照我说的做 You do what I've been saying you should do.
什么 卖飞机 What, the plane?
是时候了 It's time.
我知道我不需要飞机 I know I don't need a plane.
他真的刚那么说了吗 Did he really just say that?
但肯定还有其他办法吧 But there's got to be some other way.
没有 I'm telling you there's not.
就算飞机卖了也不够 Even that's not gonna cover it all.
真的假的 Seriously?
那可是一架飞机 It's a plane.
八百万 8 million.
还得考虑卖你收藏的车 We've got to look at the car collection,
你爸的房子 your father's condo,
或是海滨别墅 maybe the beach house.
要是我开除你 我能省多少钱 Well, how much would I save if I fired you?
我要接新电话 I got another call.
他要死了 He's dying.
-谁要死了 -还能有谁 - Who's dying? - Who do you think?
好吧 冷静下 怎么回事 All right, cal... calm down. What happened?
-他的心脏 -很严重吗 - It's his heart. - Is it bad?
我打电话是说他心脏好着呢 No, I'm calling to say his heart is good.
好吧 All right.
你在哪 Where are you?
我这就来 I'm on my way.
怎么了 What's wrong?
我爸突发心脏病 My father's had some kind of heart attack.
我得走了 I got to go.
-不是吧 -我很遗憾 - No way. A pity. - I'm so sorry.
家里有点事 我得走了 I got a family emergency. I'm gonna have to take off.
我们该提出陪他一起去吗 Should we offer to go with him?
-别 别 -什么 - No. No. - What?
我刚在说如果你愿意的话 Uh, I was just saying if you want,
我们很乐意跟你一起去 we're happy to go with you.
那就太好了 That'd be great.
不就是个三明治吗 多大事 It's a sandwich, for Christ's sake.
人家说了别吃 They said not to eat.
那他们给我菜单干什么 Then why'd they give me a menu?
问我干吗 你看我像医生吗 What do I look like, a doctor?
给我买一个该死的三明治 Get me a goddamn sandwich.
怎么 What?
他们说你能吃点刨冰 They said you can have ice chips.
拿去 吞了 Here. Suck these.
你吞了 You suck 'em.
你跟我说他快死了 You said he was dying.
如果不给我搞个三明治我就真要死了 I will if I don't get a sandwich.
我看他挺好的 He looks okay to me.
怎么的 你现在又变医生了 Oh, what, so now you're a doctor?
我好得很 I'm fine.
你一点也不好 You're not fine.
我告诉你 他不可能活着离开医院了 I am telling you he's gonna leave here in a box.
天哪 Jesus.
我们还是去大厅里等一会吧 Maybe we should wait in the hall.
这俩谁啊 Who are they?
我们其实见过面 肖恩和贝佛利·林肯 We've actually met. Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
他们是我的编剧 They're my writers.
找两个编剧来干什么 What the hell do you need writers for?
你这是在医院 You're in a hospital.
我们是来帮忙的 We're here for support.
你们目前还挺有用的 So far you're doing great.
到底是怎么回事 So what the hell happened?
他在吃早饭的时候突然垮了 He collapsed over breakfast.
就这么回事 That's what happened.
垮了 "Collapsed."
那你说怎么说 Well, what do you call it?
他脸都埋到麦乳碗里去了 His face was down in his cream of wheat.
人家是用救护车把他送过来的 They had to rush him here in an ambulance.
等我出院了 When I get out of here,
我也去搞一个警报灯 I'm gonna get one of those sirens.
从家里过来只要十分钟 From the condo to here, ten minutes.
那医生是怎么说的 Yeah, so what did the doctor say?
他搞了一些检测 He ran a bunch of tests.
我们还在等结果 We're waiting to hear.
重要的是你得给我们搞个好点的房间 More important, you've got to get us a better room.
这一间怎么了 What's wrong with this one?
你想一整天看着那个玩意吗 You want to look at that all day?
你好 H-hello.
不管他是咋回事 我都不想看见 Whatever he has, I don't want it.
我还是 给你点隐私 Perhaps I'll just... give you a little privacy.
这样好了 There we go.
你这么大牌 You're the big shot.
用一用你的影响力 Use your clout.
去找人说说 Yeah, talk to somebody.
我去说什么 What am I supposed to say?
问问你的编剧啊 Why don't you ask your writers?
行 我看看能做点什么 Fine, I'll see what I can do.
很高兴再跟你俩见面 So it's lovely to see you both again.
真希望是在更合适的情况下见面 I just wish it were under better circumstances.
你们不用没话找话 You don't have to talk.
好的 All right.
怎么样 So?
现在高兴了 Happy now?
你想怎么的 给你送个锦旗 What do you want, a parade?
这样好了 舒服吗 Here we go. Comfy?
非常好 That's perfect.
谢谢你 宝贝 Thank you, darling.
你太好了 You are wonderful.
简直是我的守护天使 You're my guardian angel.
你真是上帝派来的礼物 You are a gift from God.
把表藏起来 Hide your watch.
对了 我跟她说 By the way, I told her
会给她一张《老友记》的照片 we'd get her a Friends picture.
我们得多要一些 Oh, we're gonna need a bunch.
他们现在都想要了 Now they all want one.
行 我车里有 Fine. I've got some in my car.
你在车里放着《老友记》的照片 You keep Friends pictures in your car?
现在批判我 Judging? Really? Now?
还要签名 Oh, and autographed.
放心 Relax.
已经签过了 I already signed them.
另外五个人的呢 What about the other five?
什么 What?
谁想要你一个人的 No one wants just you.
太把自己当回事了 Jesus, the ego.
我操 Fuck me.
过来 Come on.
叫我们干吗 What do you need us for?
你们想呆在这儿吗 You want to stay here?
-对 说得好 -这就来 - Right, good point. - Right behind you.
快看 我签了两种詹妮弗的 Take a look. I did two different Jennifers.
这一个就是连笔画 意思是 This one's just a scrawl like,
我是个大明星 "I'm a big star.
我可没时间签名 I don't have time to sign."
还有这个 Or this one,
尽管我是詹妮弗·安妮斯顿 "Even though I am Jennifer Aniston,
我还是花时间仔细写下我的名字 "I take the time to carefully write my name
让你可以认清每一个字母 so you can read every letter."
你觉得哪个好 Which do you think?
随你便 I don't care.
你知道是什么害他变现在这样吗 You know what's killing him, don't you?
不知道 什么 No, what?
你 You.
是你害的 You're what's killing him.
难道不是七十年的抽烟史吗 Not the smoking for 70 years?
我只知道他本来好好的 All I know is he was doing fine
但是那天他读到了关于你财务状况的消息 till he read about you and your money.
然后就开始胸疼了 That's when the chest pains started.
他没跟我说过什么 He never said anything to me.
当然了 Of course not.
他也是有自尊心的 He's got pride.
他才没有自尊心 He's got no pride.
你们在说我吗 You talking about me?
勒布朗先生 Mr. LeBlanc.
我是利利安医生 咱们感觉怎么样 I'm Dr. Lillian. How are we feeling?
我感觉很饿 I'm feeling hungry.
你感觉怎么样 How are you feeling?
医生 我是马特 Hey, doc, I'm Matt.
我知道 我老婆会很嫉妒我的 Yes, I know. My wife's going to be very jealous.
我说真的 一块饼干也行啊 I'm serious, a cracker, anything.
现在情况怎么样 So where are we?
我也希望能带给你们点好消息 Well, I wish we had better news.
不过证据表明动脉栓塞很严重 There's definitely evidence of severe arterial blockage.
我就知道 I knew it.
我建议做一个搭桥手术 I'm recommending we perform a bypass.
这样会增加心脏供血 It'll increase the flow of blood to his heart.
几重搭桥 What number?
双搭 三搭 Double? Triple?
你中头彩了 四搭 You hit the jackpot, quadruple.
天哪 Jesus.
医生 我能问一下吗 你在哪上的学 Doctor, may I ask, where did you study?
曼尼托巴大学 University of Manitoba.
加拿大西部第一所大学 位列全球医学院排名前二百
曼尼托巴 Oh, Manitoba.
目前计划是这样 So here's the plan.
我们今天尽量给你安排手术 We're trying to schedule you in for today.
我觉得最好是不要等了 I think it best not to wait.
我这边有任何消息会及时通知你 I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.
谢谢医生 Okay, thanks, doctor.
太谢谢你了 Thank you so much.
谢谢你医生 待会见 Thank you, doctor. See you later.
-很高兴认识你 -上帝保佑你 - Nice to meet you, yes. - God bless you.
曼尼托巴休想给我开肚子 Manitoba ain't cracking me open.
怎么了 What's happening?
他必须做手术 Hey. He's got to have surgery.
-你开玩笑吧 -真抱歉 - Oh, you're kidding. - So sorry.
四重搭桥手术 Quadruple bypass.
然后呢 我现在得给他找个更好的医生 And of course, now I have to find him a better surgeon.
他们现在这个医生有什么问题吗 What's wrong with the one they've got?
问题就是当了他们的医生 It's the one they've got.
我他妈都不知道该怎么办 I don't even know where to fucking start.
你爸爸那边呢 What about your father?
说不定他能推荐个谁 Maybe he can recommend someone.
对 Oh, right.
他是什么医生 What kind of doctor is he?
心外科 Cardiac surgeon.
他在伦敦属于最优秀的医生之一 He's one of the top guys in London.
-谢谢你啊 -他就是的啊 - Thank you. - Well, he is.
太好了 打给他 看他觉得谁好 Great. Call him. See who he likes.
事实上 贝贝也知道 Actually, as Bev knows,
我特别不愿意问我爸寻求任何帮助 I'm extremely uncomfortable asking my father for anything.
没关系 你愿不愿意无所谓 Oh, that's fine, you don't have to be comfortable.
问问他 Just ask him.
-他在休息呢 -行 - He's resting. - Okay.
听着 So listen.
趁你现在在 While I've got you,
我肯定会没事的 I'm sure everything is going to be okay,
爸爸也会挺过去 红光满面地出院 and dad is going to come through with flying colors.
但是如果有个万一 But in the unlikely event
他没有 我们假设一下 he doesn't, hypothetically,
那我怎么办 what the fuck happens to me?
什么 What?
我没有任何保护 Well, I have no protection,
名下没有任何财产 nothing in my name.
我得知道等他死了 我不会无处可去 I need to know when he's dead I am not out on my ass.
我能听见你们说话 I can hear you!
你休息你的 Rest, God damn it!
我想要那套房子 I want the condo.
那套房子可不会给你 You're not getting the condo.
你要那房子干嘛 What do you need it for?
因为他没钱 Cause he's got no money.
-我要 -打扰一下 各位 - I'm t... - Excuse me, folks,
我得请你们 I'm gonna have to ask you
到别处谈话了 to take this conversation elsewhere.
-好的 -对不起 - Oh, yeah. - Sorry. Sorry.
我都照顾这个男人超过十四年了 I've been taking care of this man for 14 years.
我给他做饭 I cook for him.
给他打扫卫生 I clean for him.
连他尿完我还得帮他甩甩老二 You know I have to shake his pecker every time he pees?
因为我就喜欢嘛 That's just 'cause I like it.
我做了这么多 I do all of that,
结果你要把我扫地出门 and you're just gonna throw me out with the garbage?
少跟我来这套让我内疚 Hey, don't give me that guilt shit.
你又不是我妈 You're not my mother.
你这个不知感恩的白眼狼 You ungrateful prick.
说话啊 Say something.
我可能死不了呢 You know, I might not die.
要是死不了那又另说 We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
我是林肯医生 This is Dr. Lincoln.
爸爸 Dad?
说 Yes?
我是肖恩 It's Sean.
说 Yes?
你最近怎么样 So how have you been?
好 Fine.
我也挺好的 I'm fine as well.
其实我是打电话想问下医学建议的 So I was actually calling for some medical advice.
想找一下洛杉矶最好的心脏外科医生 I need the name of a top cardiac surgeon in L.A..
给谁 For whom?
马特·勒布朗的爸爸 Matt LeBlanc's father.
谁 Who?
马特·勒布朗 我们电视剧的主演 Matt LeBlanc, the star of our show.
没看过 Never watched it.
好吧 Right, anyway,
我想问问你能推荐个人吗 I was wondering if you could recommend someone.
他爸爸要做四重搭桥手术 His father needs a quadruple bypass.
谁都能做 Anyone can do that.
是 但他们想找最顶尖的 Yes, but they want the best.
做那个用不上顶尖的人 You don't need the best for that.
我打这个电话是帮他们一个忙 Still, I'm making this call as a favor.
你要是给我推荐一个就 就再好不过了 If you could just give me a name, humor me.
克洛斯尼克自认是第一 Oh, well, Krosnik thinks he's the best.
可他排不上 He's not.
那谁是 So who is?
甘福曼不够好 Ganverman's not great.
好的 Okay.
坡马特原来还挺好的 Perlmutter used to be pretty good,
现在只会研究自己的破书 but now he's all about his stupid book.
给我推荐一个就行 Just need a name.
都给你三个了 Well, I just gave you three.
这三个你都不推荐啊 None of whom you recommend.
我同意 I'll say.
你好 Hello?
亲 Hi, honey.
听着感觉你像是在机场 You sound like you're at the airport.
我倒想 If only.
我在医院 I'm actually at the hospital.
天啊 你没事吧 Oh, my God. Are you okay?
我没事 I'm fine.
是马特·勒布朗的爸爸要做心脏手术 Matt LeBlanc's father has to have heart surgery.
你在那是为什么 And you're there why?
我也想知道 You tell me.
你知不知道哪个心脏外科医生好 You don't happen to know a good heart surgeon, do you?
他应该找那个给默克做手术的 He should get the guy who did Merc.
我怎么不知道默克还有心 I didn't know Merc had a heart.
据说他是最顶尖的了 Supposedly he's the best.
他还给拉里·金做过 He did Larry King.
著名脱口秀主持人 1933生
黄金女郎里大部分人也是他做的 He did most of the Golden Girls.
一群老太太的剧
好像又给拉里·金做过一次 And then I think he did Larry King again.
你知道叫什么吗 Do you have a name?
什么医生 我也不知道 Dr. Something. I don't know.
让马特找默克 Just have Matt call Merc.
他能找到 He can get him in.
太好了 Great.
我有个急事 So, uh, I kind of have an emergency.
说 Okay.
我得给海伦起个昵称 I need a pet name for Helen.
好的 Right.
我好像在CNN上看过报道 I think I heard about this on CNN.
CNN一般播大新闻
我说真的 Seriously.
得是有爱又甜蜜的那种 It needs to be sweet and loving,
得赶快要 and I need it fast.
为什么你要给她取名字 And why do you have to give her one?
因为她给我起了 'Cause she gave me one.
真的吗 这么快就叫昵称了 Really? Pet names already?
我知道 I know.
感觉同性恋的日子好像一天能顶仨 It's kind of we were on some accelerated lesbian calendar.
拉拉一日 异性恋一周 Like, three days is a week.
我要是条狗 现在已经老死了 If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.
她怎么叫你的 Well, what does she call you?
猴皮筋 Scrunchie.
猴皮筋 Scrunchie?
她怎么想到的猴皮筋 Where did she get Scrunchie?
因为我在晚上洗脸的时候 Because I wear this stupid scrunchie
会扎一个傻乎乎的猴皮筋 when I wash my face at night.
我是她的猴皮筋 I'm her Scrunchie.
我知道 很可爱是不是 I know. It's cute, right?
就得按这标准来 That's where the bar is.
好了 冷静 Okay, calm down.
我脑子里想到的名字都蠢死了 Everything I try out in my head sounds stupid.
给我想一个 随便什么 Just give me something, anything.
昵称不是这么取的 That's not how it works.
得是某个特殊的时刻启发的 It's got to evolve out of a moment.
得顺其自然 It's got to be organic and...
而且有趣 能联系到你们俩人的 and playful and something that connects you two.
我要你何用 You're no use to me.
兴许哪个网站上有 Maybe there's a website or something.
你跟他说了吗 Did you speak to him?
简直就是和死神博弈 It's like playing chess with Death
而且是一个暴脾气的死神 if Death were cranky.
怎么样 他怎么说 So? What did he say?
他给了我三个医生的名字 He gave me the name of three doctors
他都不推荐 he firmly doesn't recommend.
不过听卡罗说 However, according to Carol,
默克·拉皮多斯找的就是洛杉矶最好的 Merc Lapidus used the top guy in L.A..
她让你找默克 他可以帮你 She said to call Merc, and he can get you in.
不行 不可能 Yeah, that's not happening.
什么 What?
我才不和那混球说话呢 I'm not talking to that asshole.
你都逼我给我爸打电话了 But you made me call my father.
他是混球吗 Is he an asshole?
是 Yes!
真的吗 那你早说啊 Really? Well, you should have said something.
那找医生的事怎么办 So what about finding a doctor?
去他的 我们就用这个曼尼托巴毕业的 Screw it. We'll go with Manitoba.
反正都是有风险 It's all a crapshoot anyway.
我还是不跟你说话 I'm still not talking to you.
我依然感激 And I'm still grateful.
过来 Come here.
怎么了 What's going on?
她在给我做术前准备 She's prepping me.
放松 圣洁玛丽 Oh, relax, Mary.
你以为你是哪造的 Where do you think you came from?
甜心 你弄到下面的时候 Sweetheart, while you're down there,
把蛋蛋一起弄了吧 maybe get the balls?
没有这个必要的 先生 There's no reason, sir.
谁说是必要的了 Who needs a reason?
反正你和琳达这事 Anyways, this thing with you and Linda.
非弄那么难看干嘛 Why're you making it so hard?
你就跟她说你会照顾她的 Just tell her you'll take care of her.
可是我不会 Yeah, but I'm not.
谁在乎 Who gives a shit?
我马上就挂了 别让她烦我了 I'll be dead. Just get her off my back.
我现在不想看这些 I don't need this now.
那你是让我跟她撒谎吗 What, so you want me to lie to her?
为什么不啊 你靠撒谎吃饭的 Why not? You do it for a living.
你跟她说她会没事的 Just tell her she'll be fine
然后想象背景笑声起 and imagine there's a laugh track.
神啊 Jesus.
下一话题 Next topic.
真的假的 Seriously?
老子时间不多了 I'm on the clock, here.
对 什么事 Fine. What?
那个王八蛋偷了你的钱 你还剩啥吗 That cocksucker who stole your money, is anything left?
不管你的事 None of your business.
你要是想把我那套房子卖了 Well, it's my business
就关我的事 if you're gonna sell my condo.
你知道我银行里没钱 You know I got nothing in the bank.
那你怪谁 Well, whose fault is that?
我就是要知道 告诉我 I got to know. Just tell me.
我回家还能有个地方住吗 Am I gonna have a place to come home to?
有 Yes.
真的 Yes?
真的 我不会卖那套房子的 Yeah, I'm not selling the condo.
你保证 Promise?
我保证 I promise.
骗子 Liar.
你不是刚刚教我的吗 It's what you just told me to do.
骗她 不是骗我 To her, not to me.
尽量别动 先生 Try not to move, sir.
好了 老子八十六岁还切了个包皮 Great, so at 86, I'm circumcised.
给你 你爱看《老友记》的 Here you go. You like Friends.
别让他死在里面 Don't let him die in there.
祝你好运 勒布朗先生 Good luck, Mr. LeBlanc.
我们来世再见 See you on the other side.
来世 The other side?
我其实说之前没想这么严肃 That sounded more final than I meant.
是啊 你干脆让他跟随那道光而去 Yeah, why not just tell him to go toward the light?
你给我找到好医生了吗 Did you ever get me a better doctor?
有 Yup.
我去 Oh, shit.
怎么了 What's the matter?
没事 Nothing.
你还好吧 Are you okay?
就是有点东西 Yeah, there's just something.
天哪 Oh, God.
那是我的吗 Is that one of mine?
除非这已经在那卡四个月了 Unless it's been there for four months.
恶心 Oh, gross.
拜托 Come on.
不就是一根小阴毛吗 It's just a little pubie.
什么 What?
我要叫你小阴毛 I'm gonna call you little pubie.
不行 不允许 Uh, no, you're not.
小阴毛 Little pubie.
住嘴 Stop.
你叫我猴皮筋也没经过我的同意啊 I didn't get to vote on Scrunchie.
真的 Oh, come on.
多可爱啊 小阴毛 It's sweet. Pubie.
世界上最恶心的昵称 Worst pet name ever.
我知道 I know.
皮皮 Scrunch?
我得挂了 Got to go.
我给你讲过我爸以前在韩国的事吗 Did I ever tell you my dad was in Korea?
不是打仗 是去旅游 No, not the war, the country.
好吧 Okay.
他有一天就这么消失了 He just disappeared one day.
我那会大概十四岁 I'm, like, 14.
我去他的公寓 I go over to his apartment,
他的东西全消失了 莫名其妙消失了 and all his shit is gone, just fucking gone.
过了几个月 我们才知道他在韩国生活 Months later, we find out he's living in Korea.
韩国 Korea?
为什么去韩国 Why Korea?
他卷入到了某些驱逐出境的案子 He got involved with some kind of import-export thing.
反正是搞不太清楚 Something shady.
最后他回来的时候 When he finally came back,
带回来一个韩国女孩 十七岁 he's got this Korean girl, 17.
天哪 十七岁 Jesus, 17.
她的名字好像叫 晁东芬 Yup. Her name was, like, Pad Woon Sen.
实际上是一种越南面食 That's actually a Vietnamese noodle dish.
实际上是泰国食物 炒冬粉
是吗 Is it?
好像是 Oh, yeah.
反正发音差不多吧 Well, something like that.
等等 我先问一下 Before we get too far, may I ask,
这个故事是不是会严重种族歧视 is this story going to be wildly racist?
不算严重吧 Not wildly.
行 讲吧 Okay, go on.
然后 这位宫爆虾仁住在他公寓里 Anyway, Kung Pao Shrimp is living at his apartment.
看来我俩对严重这词的定义不一样 Clearly we have different definitions for the word "Wildly."
还有 她可性感了 And by the way, she is hot.
每次我过去的时候 Every time I go over there,
她都穿着连裤袜走来走去 she's, like, walking around in panties...
抱歉我再打断一下 I'm sorry to interrupt again,
不过结局是不是你搞了你爸的女朋友 but does this end with you fucking your father's girlfriend?
故事还没讲完呢 Uh, let a story unfold maybe.
抱歉 Sorry.
反正呢 我是搞了她 Anyway, yeah, I end up fucking her.
她让我靠在冰箱上 So she's got me pinned up against the refrigerator,
我当时特别震撼 and I'm like, "Oh, my God,"
因为她是我搞的第一个韩国人 'cause she's my first Korean.
真的 直到十四岁 Really? Not until you were 14?
我那时候住在波士顿 I lived in Boston.
说时迟那时快 你猜谁进来了 So right in the middle of it, guess who walks in?
他可不就进来了 Of course he does.
他大叫 她也大叫 And he starts screaming, and she starts screaming,
然后他就 试图从我身上把她拽下来 and he's, like, trying to pull her off of me.
但是她太紧了 But she's so tight,
就好像把一个加菲猫 it's like getting one of those Garfield things
从车窗里扔出去 off your car window?
真形象 Vivid.
然后 他把我摔到地上 Yeah. Next thing I know, he's got me on the ground,
抓了一根筷子 and he grabs this chopstick.
那必须是根筷子 Of course it's a chopstick.
当时打翻了到处都是 Oh, they were all over the place.
-然后他插到了我的手臂里 -天哪 - And he slams it into my arm. - Jesus.
真的 插进了手臂 一路向手筋划去 I mean, into my arm, right down to the tendon.
我勒个去 Holy shit.
对 然后这玩意又给拔了出去 Oh, yeah. So this thing is sticking out of my arm.
我当时那叫一个血流如注 I'm bleeding like a son of a bitch,
我当时脑子里就想着 and all I can think
真希望我爸赶紧去死 is how much I want my father to fucking die.
我今天正想起这事呢 I was thinking about that today.
这种事可不能随便瞎想 Be careful what you wish for.
你去哪了 Hey, where have you been?
卡罗 Carol.
可别问了 有什么消息吗 Don't even ask. Any news?
没有 我现在感觉有点不太好了 Nope. I'm starting to get a bad feeling.
拖的时间太长了 This is taking too long.
他肯定会没事的 I'm sure he'll be fine.
为什么 他从十一岁就开始抽烟 Why? He's been smoking since he was 11.
他们可能把他切开以后 They probably opened him up
会在里边找到一包烟 and found a pack of Tareytons in there.
那你还抽 Yet you still smoke.
我今天决定戒烟 I decided today I'm quitting.
真的 那太好了 Really? Good for you.
是啊 Yeah.
直到你刚刚说了抽烟这个词 Until you just said the word "Smoke."
我现在必须得来一根 Now I got to have one.
我是鲍勃 It's Bob.
好消息 Good news.
我找到了一个飞机买家 I got a buyer for the plane.
老天 多少钱 Oh, Jesus. How much?
接近六百万 Almost six,
比我们预想的要高多了 which is a lot more than we thought we'd get.
行吧 Yeah, okay.
我们还得给国税局再搞二百万 So we still need another two for the IRS.
不是吧 Oh, come on.
我们之前有提到一些办法 We've talked about a couple options.
我们可以把你收藏的车卖掉 We can sell the car collection
或者是你父亲的那套房子 or your dad's condo.
你想怎么办 Which way you want to go?
把车卖了吧 Sell the cars.
真的 不卖那套房 Really? Not the condo?
你确定 You sure?
我确定 Yeah, I'm sure.
爸 Hey, Dad.
我得去尿尿 I got to pee.
尿管插上是这个感觉 Oh, that's just the catheter.
还有 你已经在尿了 And FYI, you are peeing.
真抱歉不能帮你晃两下 I'm sorry I can't shake it.
我没死 So I'm not dead.
一切都很顺利 Everything went great.
你一周以后就能出院了 You'll be out in a week.
曼尼托巴毕业的傻逼 Fucking Manitoba.
他们怎么还在 Why are they still here?
我是真不知道 I honestly do not know.
我想要个三明治 I want a sandwich.
不 不能吃固体食物 No, no solid food.
明天估计能喝点肉汤 Tomorrow maybe some broth.
去他妈的肉汤 Fuck broth.
淡定 Calm down.
等你出院了 When you get out of here,
我们好好庆祝 we'll celebrate,
三明治也行 你想吃啥吃啥 sandwiches, whatever you want.
我想要个车 I want a car.
什么 What?
我想要个新车 I want a new car.
我那车都开六年了 Mine is six years old,
我想买辆新车来庆祝 and I want to celebrate with a new car.
我才不会给你买车 I'm not getting you a car.
你什么毛病 What is the matter with you?
这人差点挂掉 The man almost died.
他想要台车 你就给他买台车 If he wants a car, get him a car.
我他妈才不会给他买车 I'm not buying him a fucking car.
好吧 All right.
咱们让病人休息一会怎么样 What do you say we let the patient get some rest?
你不如就把你自己的给他一台好了 Why don't you give him one of yours?
你那么多 You have so many.
我不想要他的 I don't want one of his.
我也没多少车 And I don't got so many.
你闭嘴 You shh.
别惹他着急 He's not supposed to get stressed.
行 Fine.
我们让你休息 We'll let you rest.
要一台帕纳梅拉 A Panamera.
保时捷的一款跑车 售价八至二十万美元不等
我才不会给你买帕纳梅拉 I'm not getting you a Panamera.
怎么 你可以有 我就不能有 What, you should have one, but I can't have one?
我没有帕纳梅拉 I don't have a Panamera.
如果你态度好 我就让你借我的开 Maybe if you're nice, I'll let you borrow mine.
不会给你买帕纳梅拉的 You're not getting a Panamera.
那一台敞篷呢 Cabriolet?
不行 No.
我想我们都忘了一件事 I think we have all lost sight of the fact
今天是一个美好的日子 that today was a gift.
闭嘴 你个自私的杂种 Shut up. You selfish bastard.
你简直是世界上最恶心的儿子 You're the worst son ever.
去你妈的 Fuck you.
你不准去他妈的 去你妈的 Don't you fuck her. Fuck you.
去你妈的 Fuck you.
行了 你们几个 够了 All right, all of you, enough.
这位刚下手术台 This man has just come out of surgery.
除非你们想再把他送回去 Unless you want to send him back there,
否则你们就必须文明地说话 you'll speak to each other in civil tones
要么你们就请出去 or you'll leave the room.
去你妈的 Fuck you.
这样好多了 That's better.
去你妈的 Fuck you.