前情提要
彭策爾在四年前就沒給你繳稅了 Penzel stopped paying your taxes four years ago.
胡說 我還簽了退稅單的 Bullshit. I signed the returns.
而且簽了稅款支票 I signed the checks.
那他就是把退稅單撕了 Then he shredded the returns,
翻譯：別扭大菜 小肚腩
把支票兌了現 然后把錢揣兜里了 cashed the checks, and took the money.
我跟國稅局通了一早上電話 I've been on with the IRS all morning.
翻譯：NANA小霸王
-多少錢 -七百九十萬 - How much? - 7.9 million.
校對：NANA小霸王
天哪 Jesus.
我感覺到有點 I thought I sensed a certain...
時間軸：濃子
你跟海倫有點什么 between you and Helen.
后期：魚骨頭 總監：NANA小霸王
那 那個 And the...
那什么呢 part?
我顯然是沒有這么近距離見過 Oh, well, obviously I've never seen one that close before.
-顯然了 -我本來以為會很奇怪 - Obviously. - I thought it'd be a little weird,
但是你湊過去之后就感覺 這我熟 but once you get down there, it's like, "Oh, I know you."
戲里戲外 第四季 第六集
感覺已經好久沒見到你了 I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.
是啊 難以置信 I know. It's crazy.
最近我誰都沒見 I haven't seen anybody.
那你和海倫還 So this thing with Helen is still...
天吶 我們可是真的 真的 Oh, my God, we are together literally, literally,
-真的 -說一遍就行 - literally... - Only need one.
真的一直膩在一起 literally 24-7.
我都不記得上次睡自己床是啥時候了 I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed.
我能來也只是因為她要去參加什么早餐會 The only reason I'm here now is she had some breakfast thing.
真是受寵若驚 Aww, flattering.
還能怎么說呢 Hey, what can I say?
那女人徹底愛上我了 Ze woman is into me.
對了 她還喜歡我的嗓音 Oh, and yes, she still likes my voices.
這說不通啊 Well, that makes no sense.
還有 Oh, and...
看到沒 There.
挺漂亮 Oh, pretty.
可不是嘛 Isn't it?
她買了一對 She got us matching ones.
一對 Matching?
就兩周 After two weeks?
其實她上周就送我了 Actually, she gave it to me last week.
就差根鐵鏈拴住你了 You're one link away from a chain gang.
好吧 她確實有點太過熱情 Okay, fine, she's a little intense.
但我寧愿選她 也不選某個 But I'd rather have that than some guy
不肯讓我參加他兒子的成年禮 who doesn't even invite me to his son's bar mitzvah
卻想我穿著他老婆的婚紗給他口的男人 but wants me to blow him in his wife's wedding dress.
-默克 -對 - Merc? - Yeah.
是你穿著婚紗 還是他穿著 Were you in the dress, or was he in the dress?
-我穿啊 -我前面沒搞清 - I was in the dress. - Oh, I wasn't clear.
只要你開心就好 Look, as long as you're happy.
我當然開心 Of course I'm happy.
總之 我現在不是和你一起散步了嗎 Anyway, I'm here with you now, yeah?
跟我聊聊唄 So talk to me.
謝天謝地我們和蒂姆之間的 Well, thankfully our nightmare...
-噩夢終于 -喂 - with Tim is final... - Hello?
什么叫她取消了 What do you mean she canceled?
海倫打來的 It's Helen.
簡直胡扯 That's bullshit.
得了吧 十八個傭人都服侍不過來 Please, she has, like, 18 nannies for that.
她居然這么說你 你怎么回的 She said that to you? What did you say?
不是吧 You did not.
-我喜歡 -我喜歡 - I love it. - I love it.
-神回復 -神回復 - That's perfect. - That's perfect.
等等 靠 Wait, shit.
好像沒信號了 喂 聽得到嗎 I think I lost you. Hello? Hello?
那我就掛了 拜拜 Okay, I'm hanging up now. B-bye.
我的天哪 Oh, my God.
對不起 我沒找到機會掛 I'm so sorry. I just couldn't get off.
確實如此 No, of course not.
要是有人發明能掛電話的按鍵就好了 If only they'd invent a little button that ends a call.
等我馬上回撥一個 Just let me quickly call her back.
不是吧 Seriously?
得讓她知道我沒遇到摔下山崖之類的意外 So she knows I didn't fall off a cliff or something.
或是被人推下去 Or get pushed off.
喂 Hello?
我知道 我剛這沒信號 I know. I lost you.
抱歉 Sorry.
這樣清楚了嗎 Is this better?
喂 他媽的 Hello? Oh, shoot.
我又沒信號了 I-I'm losing you again.
先別掛 D-don't hang up.
聽到了嗎 This better?
有了有了 你再說一遍 Oh, okay, okay. Say it again?
沒錯 Exactly.
她就是她自己最大的敵人 Well, she's her own worst enemy.
你們好呀 Hey, you guys.
-早啊莫寧 -你好 - Morning, Morning. - Hello.
我聽說你們的新劇好評如潮啊 I have been hearing such great things about your new show.
-是嗎 -那真是太好了 - Have you? - Oh, that's so nice.
大家都在說 超 精 彩 Word around town? Ah-ma-zing.
-不敢當啊 -還得繼續努力 - Well, I don't know about that. - Still lots of work to do.
我真的很為你倆開心 I'm just so happy for you guys, seriously.
經歷了這些破事 After going through something like this,
你們是該來點好事了 you so deserve something like that.
-謝謝 -謝謝你這么說 -Thank you. - Oh, that's very kind.
我還沒看過劇本 I haven't read it yet,
但聽說大家都是一人分飾兩角嗎 but I heard everyone gets to play two parts?
是這個意思 That's the concept.
太棒了 棒極了 Brilliant, brilliant.
能參演這劇 真是天大的榮幸 And what a gift to those actors.
跟你說一下 Just so you know,
我們不是沒考慮過你 it's not that we didn't think of you,
只是不巧 but unfortunately,
實在沒有適合你的角色 there's really nothing that you'd be right for.
我們也希望有適合你的 但是 We wish there were, but...
天吶 我壓根沒有那個意思 Oh, my God, you guys, I so didn't even go there.
快別再說了 Stop it, no.
我們只是想告知一聲 Well, we wanted you to know.
別說了 我只是來祝賀你們的 Stop, please. I just came over to say congrats.
順便說句 And by the way,
我現在真的一點也不想再接新劇 the last thing I need right now is another show, ugh.
我妹妹馬上要辦婚禮 I've got my sister's wedding coming up,
那簡直是另一場噩夢 and that's a... a whole other nightmare.
她坐輪椅 還沒想好怎么布置坡道 She's in a chair, so just figuring out the ramps...
所以我攬了這活 So I've got that and...
恭喜你妹妹了 Well, congratulations, um, to your sister.
至于你們說沒有適合我的角色 我懂 And as far as me not being right for your thing, I get it.
我完全都懂 Hello? Makes total sense.
當然 你們只了解我前一部劇的表現 Of course, you really only know me from this,
這完全沒法展現 which is hardly the most...
但是我已經盡力了 But hey, I did my best here.
臺詞又不是我編的 I don't make up the words.
但真的沒事 But it's fine, really.
畢竟是你們的劇 It's your show.
你們知道需要什么角色 You know what you want.
哪輪得到我指手畫腳 Who am I to tell you?
你倆可是《冰球小子》的幕后天才編劇啊 Come on, you're the geniuses behind Pucks!
-沒錯 -我只是覺得他們 - Right, well... - I just think it's fantastic
肯讓你們拍這新劇真是太好了 they're even letting you do it.
你們拍完這一部 還沒人說 I mean, after this, nobody's like,
"你倆太爛了 快滾" "You stunk up the joint. Get out."
還敢采用如此冒險的設定 And with such a risky concept.
每個人都一人分飾兩角 Everybody plays two parts?
觀眾才不會很快就看膩 Yeah, that won't get tired fast.
我純屬說笑 I'm totally kidding.
你們知道我只會祝你們一切順利 You know I only wish you good things.
我們知道 We know you do.
加油拍吧 加油加油加油 Now go get 'em. Go, go, go.
加你媽的油 Or go fuck yourselves.
她應該再走遠點再說最后一句話 She might have got a little further away before she said it.
滾 Bite me.
我是鮑勃 It's Bob.
最害怕的開場白 The two words I dread the most.
只是做好我本職工作 Just doing my job.
還是得談下國稅局的事 So we've got to talk about this IRS thing.
八百萬可不會憑空消失 8 million isn't going away.
不是七百九十萬嗎 What happened to 7.9?
那是上周 That was last week.
有種東西叫利息 It's called interest.
天吶 Oh, Jesus.
那我要怎么做 So what do I do?
照我說的做 You do what I've been saying you should do.
什么 賣飛機 What, the plane?
是時候了 It's time.
我知道我不需要飛機 I know I don't need a plane.
他真的剛那么說了嗎 Did he really just say that?
但肯定還有其他辦法吧 But there's got to be some other way.
沒有 I'm telling you there's not.
就算飛機賣了也不夠 Even that's not gonna cover it all.
真的假的 Seriously?
那可是一架飛機 It's a plane.
八百萬 8 million.
還得考慮賣你收藏的車 We've got to look at the car collection,
你爸的房子 your father's condo,
或是海濱別墅 maybe the beach house.
要是我開除你 我能省多少錢 Well, how much would I save if I fired you?
我要接新電話 I got another call.
他要死了 He's dying.
-誰要死了 -還能有誰 - Who's dying? - Who do you think?
好吧 冷靜下 怎么回事 All right, cal... calm down. What happened?
-他的心臟 -很嚴重嗎 - It's his heart. - Is it bad?
我打電話是說他心臟好著呢 No, I'm calling to say his heart is good.
好吧 All right.
你在哪 Where are you?
我這就來 I'm on my way.
怎么了 What's wrong?
我爸突發心臟病 My father's had some kind of heart attack.
我得走了 I got to go.
-不是吧 -我很遺憾 - No way. A pity. - I'm so sorry.
家里有點事 我得走了 I got a family emergency. I'm gonna have to take off.
我們該提出陪他一起去嗎 Should we offer to go with him?
-別 別 -什么 - No. No. - What?
我剛在說如果你愿意的話 Uh, I was just saying if you want,
我們很樂意跟你一起去 we're happy to go with you.
那就太好了 That'd be great.
不就是個三明治嗎 多大事 It's a sandwich, for Christ's sake.
人家說了別吃 They said not to eat.
那他們給我菜單干什么 Then why'd they give me a menu?
問我干嗎 你看我像醫生嗎 What do I look like, a doctor?
給我買一個該死的三明治 Get me a goddamn sandwich.
怎么 What?
他們說你能吃點刨冰 They said you can have ice chips.
拿去 吞了 Here. Suck these.
你吞了 You suck 'em.
你跟我說他快死了 You said he was dying.
如果不給我搞個三明治我就真要死了 I will if I don't get a sandwich.
我看他挺好的 He looks okay to me.
怎么的 你現在又變醫生了 Oh, what, so now you're a doctor?
我好得很 I'm fine.
你一點也不好 You're not fine.
我告訴你 他不可能活著離開醫院了 I am telling you he's gonna leave here in a box.
天哪 Jesus.
我們還是去大廳里等一會吧 Maybe we should wait in the hall.
這倆誰啊 Who are they?
我們其實見過面 肖恩和貝佛利·林肯 We've actually met. Sean and Beverly Lincoln.
他們是我的編劇 They're my writers.
找兩個編劇來干什么 What the hell do you need writers for?
你這是在醫院 You're in a hospital.
我們是來幫忙的 We're here for support.
你們目前還挺有用的 So far you're doing great.
到底是怎么回事 So what the hell happened?
他在吃早飯的時候突然垮了 He collapsed over breakfast.
就這么回事 That's what happened.
垮了 "Collapsed."
那你說怎么說 Well, what do you call it?
他臉都埋到麥乳碗里去了 His face was down in his cream of wheat.
人家是用救護車把他送過來的 They had to rush him here in an ambulance.
等我出院了 When I get out of here,
我也去搞一個警報燈 I'm gonna get one of those sirens.
從家里過來只要十分鐘 From the condo to here, ten minutes.
那醫生是怎么說的 Yeah, so what did the doctor say?
他搞了一些檢測 He ran a bunch of tests.
我們還在等結果 We're waiting to hear.
重要的是你得給我們搞個好點的房間 More important, you've got to get us a better room.
這一間怎么了 What's wrong with this one?
你想一整天看著那個玩意嗎 You want to look at that all day?
你好 H-hello.
不管他是咋回事 我都不想看見 Whatever he has, I don't want it.
我還是 給你點隱私 Perhaps I'll just... give you a little privacy.
這樣好了 There we go.
你這么大牌 You're the big shot.
用一用你的影響力 Use your clout.
去找人說說 Yeah, talk to somebody.
我去說什么 What am I supposed to say?
問問你的編劇啊 Why don't you ask your writers?
行 我看看能做點什么 Fine, I'll see what I can do.
很高興再跟你倆見面 So it's lovely to see you both again.
真希望是在更合適的情況下見面 I just wish it were under better circumstances.
你們不用沒話找話 You don't have to talk.
好的 All right.
怎么樣 So?
現在高興了 Happy now?
你想怎么的 給你送個錦旗 What do you want, a parade?
這樣好了 舒服嗎 Here we go. Comfy?
非常好 That's perfect.
謝謝你 寶貝 Thank you, darling.
你太好了 You are wonderful.
簡直是我的守護天使 You're my guardian angel.
你真是上帝派來的禮物 You are a gift from God.
把表藏起來 Hide your watch.
對了 我跟她說 By the way, I told her
會給她一張《老友記》的照片 we'd get her a Friends picture.
我們得多要一些 Oh, we're gonna need a bunch.
他們現在都想要了 Now they all want one.
行 我車里有 Fine. I've got some in my car.
你在車里放著《老友記》的照片 You keep Friends pictures in your car?
現在批判我 Judging? Really? Now?
還要簽名 Oh, and autographed.
放心 Relax.
已經簽過了 I already signed them.
另外五個人的呢 What about the other five?
什么 What?
誰想要你一個人的 No one wants just you.
太把自己當回事了 Jesus, the ego.
我操 Fuck me.
過來 Come on.
叫我們干嗎 What do you need us for?
你們想呆在這兒嗎 You want to stay here?
-對 說得好 -這就來 - Right, good point. - Right behind you.
快看 我簽了兩種詹妮弗的 Take a look. I did two different Jennifers.
這一個就是連筆畫 意思是 This one's just a scrawl like,
我是個大明星 "I'm a big star.
我可沒時間簽名 I don't have time to sign."
還有這個 Or this one,
盡管我是詹妮弗·安妮斯頓 "Even though I am Jennifer Aniston,
我還是花時間仔細寫下我的名字 "I take the time to carefully write my name
讓你可以認清每一個字母 so you can read every letter."
你覺得哪個好 Which do you think?
隨你便 I don't care.
你知道是什么害他變現在這樣嗎 You know what's killing him, don't you?
不知道 什么 No, what?
你 You.
是你害的 You're what's killing him.
難道不是七十年的抽煙史嗎 Not the smoking for 70 years?
我只知道他本來好好的 All I know is he was doing fine
但是那天他讀到了關于你財務狀況的消息 till he read about you and your money.
然后就開始胸疼了 That's when the chest pains started.
他沒跟我說過什么 He never said anything to me.
當然了 Of course not.
他也是有自尊心的 He's got pride.
他才沒有自尊心 He's got no pride.
你們在說我嗎 You talking about me?
勒布朗先生 Mr. LeBlanc.
我是利利安醫生 咱們感覺怎么樣 I'm Dr. Lillian. How are we feeling?
我感覺很餓 I'm feeling hungry.
你感覺怎么樣 How are you feeling?
醫生 我是馬特 Hey, doc, I'm Matt.
我知道 我老婆會很嫉妒我的 Yes, I know. My wife's going to be very jealous.
我說真的 一塊餅干也行啊 I'm serious, a cracker, anything.
現在情況怎么樣 So where are we?
我也希望能帶給你們點好消息 Well, I wish we had better news.
不過證據表明動脈栓塞很嚴重 There's definitely evidence of severe arterial blockage.
我就知道 I knew it.
我建議做一個搭橋手術 I'm recommending we perform a bypass.
這樣會增加心臟供血 It'll increase the flow of blood to his heart.
幾重搭橋 What number?
雙搭 三搭 Double? Triple?
你中頭彩了 四搭 You hit the jackpot, quadruple.
天哪 Jesus.
醫生 我能問一下嗎 你在哪上的學 Doctor, may I ask, where did you study?
曼尼托巴大學 University of Manitoba.
加拿大西部第一所大學 位列全球醫學院排名前二百
曼尼托巴 Oh, Manitoba.
目前計劃是這樣 So here's the plan.
我們今天盡量給你安排手術 We're trying to schedule you in for today.
我覺得最好是不要等了 I think it best not to wait.
我這邊有任何消息會及時通知你 I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.
謝謝醫生 Okay, thanks, doctor.
太謝謝你了 Thank you so much.
謝謝你醫生 待會見 Thank you, doctor. See you later.
-很高興認識你 -上帝保佑你 - Nice to meet you, yes. - God bless you.
曼尼托巴休想給我開肚子 Manitoba ain't cracking me open.
怎么了 What's happening?
他必須做手術 Hey. He's got to have surgery.
-你開玩笑吧 -真抱歉 - Oh, you're kidding. - So sorry.
四重搭橋手術 Quadruple bypass.
然后呢 我現在得給他找個更好的醫生 And of course, now I have to find him a better surgeon.
他們現在這個醫生有什么問題嗎 What's wrong with the one they've got?
問題就是當了他們的醫生 It's the one they've got.
我他媽都不知道該怎么辦 I don't even know where to fucking start.
你爸爸那邊呢 What about your father?
說不定他能推薦個誰 Maybe he can recommend someone.
對 Oh, right.
他是什么醫生 What kind of doctor is he?
心外科 Cardiac surgeon.
他在倫敦屬于最優秀的醫生之一 He's one of the top guys in London.
-謝謝你啊 -他就是的啊 - Thank you. - Well, he is.
太好了 打給他 看他覺得誰好 Great. Call him. See who he likes.
事實上 貝貝也知道 Actually, as Bev knows,
我特別不愿意問我爸尋求任何幫助 I'm extremely uncomfortable asking my father for anything.
沒關系 你愿不愿意無所謂 Oh, that's fine, you don't have to be comfortable.
問問他 Just ask him.
-他在休息呢 -行 - He's resting. - Okay.
聽著 So listen.
趁你現在在 While I've got you,
我肯定會沒事的 I'm sure everything is going to be okay,
爸爸也會挺過去 紅光滿面地出院 and dad is going to come through with flying colors.
但是如果有個萬一 But in the unlikely event
他沒有 我們假設一下 he doesn't, hypothetically,
那我怎么辦 what the fuck happens to me?
什么 What?
我沒有任何保護 Well, I have no protection,
名下沒有任何財產 nothing in my name.
我得知道等他死了 我不會無處可去 I need to know when he's dead I am not out on my ass.
我能聽見你們說話 I can hear you!
你休息你的 Rest, God damn it!
我想要那套房子 I want the condo.
那套房子可不會給你 You're not getting the condo.
你要那房子干嘛 What do you need it for?
因為他沒錢 Cause he's got no money.
-我要 -打擾一下 各位 - I'm t... - Excuse me, folks,
我得請你們 I'm gonna have to ask you
到別處談話了 to take this conversation elsewhere.
-好的 -對不起 - Oh, yeah. - Sorry. Sorry.
我都照顧這個男人超過十四年了 I've been taking care of this man for 14 years.
我給他做飯 I cook for him.
給他打掃衛生 I clean for him.
連他尿完我還得幫他甩甩老二 You know I have to shake his pecker every time he pees?
因為我就喜歡嘛 That's just 'cause I like it.
我做了這么多 I do all of that,
結果你要把我掃地出門 and you're just gonna throw me out with the garbage?
少跟我來這套讓我內疚 Hey, don't give me that guilt shit.
你又不是我媽 You're not my mother.
你這個不知感恩的白眼狼 You ungrateful prick.
說話啊 Say something.
我可能死不了呢 You know, I might not die.
要是死不了那又另說 We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
我是林肯醫生 This is Dr. Lincoln.
爸爸 Dad?
說 Yes?
我是肖恩 It's Sean.
說 Yes?
你最近怎么樣 So how have you been?
好 Fine.
我也挺好的 I'm fine as well.
其實我是打電話想問下醫學建議的 So I was actually calling for some medical advice.
想找一下洛杉磯最好的心臟外科醫生 I need the name of a top cardiac surgeon in L.A..
給誰 For whom?
馬特·勒布朗的爸爸 Matt LeBlanc's father.
誰 Who?
馬特·勒布朗 我們電視劇的主演 Matt LeBlanc, the star of our show.
沒看過 Never watched it.
好吧 Right, anyway,
我想問問你能推薦個人嗎 I was wondering if you could recommend someone.
他爸爸要做四重搭橋手術 His father needs a quadruple bypass.
誰都能做 Anyone can do that.
是 但他們想找最頂尖的 Yes, but they want the best.
做那個用不上頂尖的人 You don't need the best for that.
我打這個電話是幫他們一個忙 Still, I'm making this call as a favor.
你要是給我推薦一個就 就再好不過了 If you could just give me a name, humor me.
克洛斯尼克自認是第一 Oh, well, Krosnik thinks he's the best.
可他排不上 He's not.
那誰是 So who is?
甘福曼不夠好 Ganverman's not great.
好的 Okay.
坡馬特原來還挺好的 Perlmutter used to be pretty good,
現在只會研究自己的破書 but now he's all about his stupid book.
給我推薦一個就行 Just need a name.
都給你三個了 Well, I just gave you three.
這三個你都不推薦啊 None of whom you recommend.
我同意 I'll say.
你好 Hello?
親 Hi, honey.
聽著感覺你像是在機場 You sound like you're at the airport.
我倒想 If only.
我在醫院 I'm actually at the hospital.
天啊 你沒事吧 Oh, my God. Are you okay?
我沒事 I'm fine.
是馬特·勒布朗的爸爸要做心臟手術 Matt LeBlanc's father has to have heart surgery.
你在那是為什么 And you're there why?
我也想知道 You tell me.
你知不知道哪個心臟外科醫生好 You don't happen to know a good heart surgeon, do you?
他應該找那個給默克做手術的 He should get the guy who did Merc.
我怎么不知道默克還有心 I didn't know Merc had a heart.
據說他是最頂尖的了 Supposedly he's the best.
他還給拉里·金做過 He did Larry King.
著名脫口秀主持人 1933生
黃金女郎里大部分人也是他做的 He did most of the Golden Girls.
一群老太太的劇
好像又給拉里·金做過一次 And then I think he did Larry King again.
你知道叫什么嗎 Do you have a name?
什么醫生 我也不知道 Dr. Something. I don't know.
讓馬特找默克 Just have Matt call Merc.
他能找到 He can get him in.
太好了 Great.
我有個急事 So, uh, I kind of have an emergency.
說 Okay.
我得給海倫起個昵稱 I need a pet name for Helen.
好的 Right.
我好像在CNN上看過報道 I think I heard about this on CNN.
CNN一般播大新聞
我說真的 Seriously.
得是有愛又甜蜜的那種 It needs to be sweet and loving,
得趕快要 and I need it fast.
為什么你要給她取名字 And why do you have to give her one?
因為她給我起了 'Cause she gave me one.
真的嗎 這么快就叫昵稱了 Really? Pet names already?
我知道 I know.
感覺同性戀的日子好像一天能頂仨 It's kind of we were on some accelerated lesbian calendar.
拉拉一日 異性戀一周 Like, three days is a week.
我要是條狗 現在已經老死了 If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.
她怎么叫你的 Well, what does she call you?
猴皮筋 Scrunchie.
猴皮筋 Scrunchie?
她怎么想到的猴皮筋 Where did she get Scrunchie?
因為我在晚上洗臉的時候 Because I wear this stupid scrunchie
會扎一個傻乎乎的猴皮筋 when I wash my face at night.
我是她的猴皮筋 I'm her Scrunchie.
我知道 很可愛是不是 I know. It's cute, right?
就得按這標準來 That's where the bar is.
好了 冷靜 Okay, calm down.
我腦子里想到的名字都蠢死了 Everything I try out in my head sounds stupid.
給我想一個 隨便什么 Just give me something, anything.
昵稱不是這么取的 That's not how it works.
得是某個特殊的時刻啟發的 It's got to evolve out of a moment.
得順其自然 It's got to be organic and...
而且有趣 能聯系到你們倆人的 and playful and something that connects you two.
我要你何用 You're no use to me.
興許哪個網站上有 Maybe there's a website or something.
你跟他說了嗎 Did you speak to him?
簡直就是和死神博弈 It's like playing chess with Death
而且是一個暴脾氣的死神 if Death were cranky.
怎么樣 他怎么說 So? What did he say?
他給了我三個醫生的名字 He gave me the name of three doctors
他都不推薦 he firmly doesn't recommend.
不過聽卡羅說 However, according to Carol,
默克·拉皮多斯找的就是洛杉磯最好的 Merc Lapidus used the top guy in L.A..
她讓你找默克 他可以幫你 She said to call Merc, and he can get you in.
不行 不可能 Yeah, that's not happening.
什么 What?
我才不和那混球說話呢 I'm not talking to that asshole.
你都逼我給我爸打電話了 But you made me call my father.
他是混球嗎 Is he an asshole?
是 Yes!
真的嗎 那你早說啊 Really? Well, you should have said something.
那找醫生的事怎么辦 So what about finding a doctor?
去他的 我們就用這個曼尼托巴畢業的 Screw it. We'll go with Manitoba.
反正都是有風險 It's all a crapshoot anyway.
我還是不跟你說話 I'm still not talking to you.
我依然感激 And I'm still grateful.
過來 Come here.
怎么了 What's going on?
她在給我做術前準備 She's prepping me.
放松 圣潔瑪麗 Oh, relax, Mary.
你以為你是哪造的 Where do you think you came from?
甜心 你弄到下面的時候 Sweetheart, while you're down there,
把蛋蛋一起弄了吧 maybe get the balls?
沒有這個必要的 先生 There's no reason, sir.
誰說是必要的了 Who needs a reason?
反正你和琳達這事 Anyways, this thing with you and Linda.
非弄那么難看干嘛 Why're you making it so hard?
你就跟她說你會照顧她的 Just tell her you'll take care of her.
可是我不會 Yeah, but I'm not.
誰在乎 Who gives a shit?
我馬上就掛了 別讓她煩我了 I'll be dead. Just get her off my back.
我現在不想看這些 I don't need this now.
那你是讓我跟她撒謊嗎 What, so you want me to lie to her?
為什么不啊 你靠撒謊吃飯的 Why not? You do it for a living.
你跟她說她會沒事的 Just tell her she'll be fine
然后想象背景笑聲起 and imagine there's a laugh track.
神啊 Jesus.
下一話題 Next topic.
真的假的 Seriously?
老子時間不多了 I'm on the clock, here.
對 什么事 Fine. What?
那個王八蛋偷了你的錢 你還剩啥嗎 That cocksucker who stole your money, is anything left?
不管你的事 None of your business.
你要是想把我那套房子賣了 Well, it's my business
就關我的事 if you're gonna sell my condo.
你知道我銀行里沒錢 You know I got nothing in the bank.
那你怪誰 Well, whose fault is that?
我就是要知道 告訴我 I got to know. Just tell me.
我回家還能有個地方住嗎 Am I gonna have a place to come home to?
有 Yes.
真的 Yes?
真的 我不會賣那套房子的 Yeah, I'm not selling the condo.
你保證 Promise?
我保證 I promise.
騙子 Liar.
你不是剛剛教我的嗎 It's what you just told me to do.
騙她 不是騙我 To her, not to me.
盡量別動 先生 Try not to move, sir.
好了 老子八十六歲還切了個包皮 Great, so at 86, I'm circumcised.
給你 你愛看《老友記》的 Here you go. You like Friends.
別讓他死在里面 Don't let him die in there.
祝你好運 勒布朗先生 Good luck, Mr. LeBlanc.
我們來世再見 See you on the other side.
來世 The other side?
我其實說之前沒想這么嚴肅 That sounded more final than I meant.
是啊 你干脆讓他跟隨那道光而去 Yeah, why not just tell him to go toward the light?
你給我找到好醫生了嗎 Did you ever get me a better doctor?
有 Yup.
我去 Oh, shit.
怎么了 What's the matter?
沒事 Nothing.
你還好吧 Are you okay?
就是有點東西 Yeah, there's just something.
天哪 Oh, God.
那是我的嗎 Is that one of mine?
除非這已經在那卡四個月了 Unless it's been there for four months.
惡心 Oh, gross.
拜托 Come on.
不就是一根小陰毛嗎 It's just a little pubie.
什么 What?
我要叫你小陰毛 I'm gonna call you little pubie.
不行 不允許 Uh, no, you're not.
小陰毛 Little pubie.
住嘴 Stop.
你叫我猴皮筋也沒經過我的同意啊 I didn't get to vote on Scrunchie.
真的 Oh, come on.
多可愛啊 小陰毛 It's sweet. Pubie.
世界上最惡心的昵稱 Worst pet name ever.
我知道 I know.
皮皮 Scrunch?
我得掛了 Got to go.
我給你講過我爸以前在韓國的事嗎 Did I ever tell you my dad was in Korea?
不是打仗 是去旅游 No, not the war, the country.
好吧 Okay.
他有一天就這么消失了 He just disappeared one day.
我那會大概十四歲 I'm, like, 14.
我去他的公寓 I go over to his apartment,
他的東西全消失了 莫名其妙消失了 and all his shit is gone, just fucking gone.
過了幾個月 我們才知道他在韓國生活 Months later, we find out he's living in Korea.
韓國 Korea?
為什么去韓國 Why Korea?
他卷入到了某些驅逐出境的案子 He got involved with some kind of import-export thing.
反正是搞不太清楚 Something shady.
最后他回來的時候 When he finally came back,
帶回來一個韓國女孩 十七歲 he's got this Korean girl, 17.
天哪 十七歲 Jesus, 17.
她的名字好像叫 晁東芬 Yup. Her name was, like, Pad Woon Sen.
實際上是一種越南面食 That's actually a Vietnamese noodle dish.
實際上是泰國食物 炒冬粉
是嗎 Is it?
好像是 Oh, yeah.
反正發音差不多吧 Well, something like that.
等等 我先問一下 Before we get too far, may I ask,
這個故事是不是會嚴重種族歧視 is this story going to be wildly racist?
不算嚴重吧 Not wildly.
行 講吧 Okay, go on.
然后 這位宮爆蝦仁住在他公寓里 Anyway, Kung Pao Shrimp is living at his apartment.
看來我倆對嚴重這詞的定義不一樣 Clearly we have different definitions for the word "Wildly."
還有 她可性感了 And by the way, she is hot.
每次我過去的時候 Every time I go over there,
她都穿著連褲襪走來走去 she's, like, walking around in panties...
抱歉我再打斷一下 I'm sorry to interrupt again,
不過結局是不是你搞了你爸的女朋友 but does this end with you fucking your father's girlfriend?
故事還沒講完呢 Uh, let a story unfold maybe.
抱歉 Sorry.
反正呢 我是搞了她 Anyway, yeah, I end up fucking her.
她讓我靠在冰箱上 So she's got me pinned up against the refrigerator,
我當時特別震撼 and I'm like, "Oh, my God,"
因為她是我搞的第一個韓國人 'cause she's my first Korean.
真的 直到十四歲 Really? Not until you were 14?
我那時候住在波士頓 I lived in Boston.
說時遲那時快 你猜誰進來了 So right in the middle of it, guess who walks in?
他可不就進來了 Of course he does.
他大叫 她也大叫 And he starts screaming, and she starts screaming,
然后他就 試圖從我身上把她拽下來 and he's, like, trying to pull her off of me.
但是她太緊了 But she's so tight,
就好像把一個加菲貓 it's like getting one of those Garfield things
從車窗里扔出去 off your car window?
真形象 Vivid.
然后 他把我摔到地上 Yeah. Next thing I know, he's got me on the ground,
抓了一根筷子 and he grabs this chopstick.
那必須是根筷子 Of course it's a chopstick.
當時打翻了到處都是 Oh, they were all over the place.
-然后他插到了我的手臂里 -天哪 - And he slams it into my arm. - Jesus.
真的 插進了手臂 一路向手筋劃去 I mean, into my arm, right down to the tendon.
我勒個去 Holy shit.
對 然后這玩意又給拔了出去 Oh, yeah. So this thing is sticking out of my arm.
我當時那叫一個血流如注 I'm bleeding like a son of a bitch,
我當時腦子里就想著 and all I can think
真希望我爸趕緊去死 is how much I want my father to fucking die.
我今天正想起這事呢 I was thinking about that today.
這種事可不能隨便瞎想 Be careful what you wish for.
你去哪了 Hey, where have you been?
卡羅 Carol.
可別問了 有什么消息嗎 Don't even ask. Any news?
沒有 我現在感覺有點不太好了 Nope. I'm starting to get a bad feeling.
拖的時間太長了 This is taking too long.
他肯定會沒事的 I'm sure he'll be fine.
為什么 他從十一歲就開始抽煙 Why? He's been smoking since he was 11.
他們可能把他切開以后 They probably opened him up
會在里邊找到一包煙 and found a pack of Tareytons in there.
那你還抽 Yet you still smoke.
我今天決定戒煙 I decided today I'm quitting.
真的 那太好了 Really? Good for you.
是啊 Yeah.
直到你剛剛說了抽煙這個詞 Until you just said the word "Smoke."
我現在必須得來一根 Now I got to have one.
我是鮑勃 It's Bob.
好消息 Good news.
我找到了一個飛機買家 I got a buyer for the plane.
老天 多少錢 Oh, Jesus. How much?
接近六百萬 Almost six,
比我們預想的要高多了 which is a lot more than we thought we'd get.
行吧 Yeah, okay.
我們還得給國稅局再搞二百萬 So we still need another two for the IRS.
不是吧 Oh, come on.
我們之前有提到一些辦法 We've talked about a couple options.
我們可以把你收藏的車賣掉 We can sell the car collection
或者是你父親的那套房子 or your dad's condo.
你想怎么辦 Which way you want to go?
把車賣了吧 Sell the cars.
真的 不賣那套房 Really? Not the condo?
你確定 You sure?
我確定 Yeah, I'm sure.
爸 Hey, Dad.
我得去尿尿 I got to pee.
尿管插上是這個感覺 Oh, that's just the catheter.
還有 你已經在尿了 And FYI, you are peeing.
真抱歉不能幫你晃兩下 I'm sorry I can't shake it.
我沒死 So I'm not dead.
一切都很順利 Everything went great.
你一周以后就能出院了 You'll be out in a week.
曼尼托巴畢業的傻逼 Fucking Manitoba.
他們怎么還在 Why are they still here?
我是真不知道 I honestly do not know.
我想要個三明治 I want a sandwich.
不 不能吃固體食物 No, no solid food.
明天估計能喝點肉湯 Tomorrow maybe some broth.
去他媽的肉湯 Fuck broth.
淡定 Calm down.
等你出院了 When you get out of here,
我們好好慶祝 we'll celebrate,
三明治也行 你想吃啥吃啥 sandwiches, whatever you want.
我想要個車 I want a car.
什么 What?
我想要個新車 I want a new car.
我那車都開六年了 Mine is six years old,
我想買輛新車來慶祝 and I want to celebrate with a new car.
我才不會給你買車 I'm not getting you a car.
你什么毛病 What is the matter with you?
這人差點掛掉 The man almost died.
他想要臺車 你就給他買臺車 If he wants a car, get him a car.
我他媽才不會給他買車 I'm not buying him a fucking car.
好吧 All right.
咱們讓病人休息一會怎么樣 What do you say we let the patient get some rest?
你不如就把你自己的給他一臺好了 Why don't you give him one of yours?
你那么多 You have so many.
我不想要他的 I don't want one of his.
我也沒多少車 And I don't got so many.
你閉嘴 You shh.
別惹他著急 He's not supposed to get stressed.
行 Fine.
我們讓你休息 We'll let you rest.
要一臺帕納梅拉 A Panamera.
保時捷的一款跑車 售價八至二十萬美元不等
我才不會給你買帕納梅拉 I'm not getting you a Panamera.
怎么 你可以有 我就不能有 What, you should have one, but I can't have one?
我沒有帕納梅拉 I don't have a Panamera.
如果你態度好 我就讓你借我的開 Maybe if you're nice, I'll let you borrow mine.
不會給你買帕納梅拉的 You're not getting a Panamera.
那一臺敞篷呢 Cabriolet?
不行 No.
我想我們都忘了一件事 I think we have all lost sight of the fact
今天是一個美好的日子 that today was a gift.
閉嘴 你個自私的雜種 Shut up. You selfish bastard.
你簡直是世界上最惡心的兒子 You're the worst son ever.
去你媽的 Fuck you.
你不準去他媽的 去你媽的 Don't you fuck her. Fuck you.
去你媽的 Fuck you.
行了 你們幾個 夠了 All right, all of you, enough.
這位剛下手術臺 This man has just come out of surgery.
除非你們想再把他送回去 Unless you want to send him back there,
否則你們就必須文明地說話 you'll speak to each other in civil tones
要么你們就請出去 or you'll leave the room.
去你媽的 Fuck you.
這樣好多了 That's better.
去你媽的 Fuck you.