前情提要
你不肯出门 You won't leave your house.
还没吃早饭就嗑嗨了 You're stoned before breakfast.
而且你看起来 And you look like...
我看起来怎么了 I look like what?
你看起来就像我想象中 You look like what I imagine you'd look like
你从来没离开密歇根的样子 if you'd never left Michigan.
我们关于安东尼·博纳·史密斯 We had a vehement conversation
进行过热烈的讨论 about Anthony Powner Smith.
谁知道呢 说不定会给你们惊喜 Who knows? He might surprise you.
跳踢踏舞还差不多 By tap-dancing.
-这就太过分了 -你这太过分了 - That is wildly offensive. - You're wildly offensive.
各位好 Hello, good people.
收视率高到上天 Numbers through the roof!
真的假的 No shit?
赶紧过来 你还要录节目呢 Get your ass down there. You got a show to shoot!
再说吧 We'll see.
他还有要求 He has demands?
他在全美人民面前自慰 He masturbated in front of America.
美国人民说 And America said,
谢谢 "Thank you."
戏里戏外 第五季第三集
所以你要演这个 So you'd be playing this guy
当过帮派杀手的人 who used to be a hit man for the mob.
所以是类型片 So typecasting?
对 Yeah.
你刚出狱 You just got out of prison,
想要清白做人 and you're trying to stay clean,
但你没钱 but you got no money.
-身无分文 -明白 - Totally broke. - Got it.
所以你唯一的选择是搬去佛罗里达 So you're only option is to move in with your mother
跟你母亲一起住在她的老年社区 in her retirement community in Florida.
类似《好家伙》和《魔茧》的结合 It's kind of Goodfellas meets Cocoon.
真有趣 Funny.
抱歉 我得接一下 前妻打来的 Sorry, I got to grab this. My ex-wife.
没事 去吧 Oh, no, go-go-go.
说 Yo?
我看了你和箱子里那个女孩 So, uh, i saw your little show
的小小演出 with the girl in the box.
那事真是太糟糕了 Yeah, that was a shit-storm.
不过收视率上升了30% But hey, ratings are up 30%.
30% 30%.
我真为你开心 Aw, I'm happy for you.
你他妈是疯了吧 Are you fuckin' crazy?
我们的一个孩子在学校看见 One of the kids at school saw it
然后告诉了迈克尔 and told Michael.
然后迈克尔也看了 So Michael watched it.
然后迈克尔又给艾登看了 Then Michael showed Aiden.
所以现在你两个儿子都看到你手里握着老二 So now both your boys have seen you with your dick in your hand,
对着玻璃箱子里的某个露着下体的女孩 jerking off to some girl in a glass box
打飞机 with her cooch hanging out.
30% 30%.
我他妈才不要跟你吵这个 I'm not fuckin' doing this with you.
心理咨询师说你必须得跟他们谈 The therapist says you got to talk to them.
你去谈不行吗 Ah--can't you do it?
不 这是你搞出来的乱子 你来收拾 No. This is your mess. You clean it up.
你那段视频之后也没有收拾吧 Which I'm sure you didn't do after your little video.
行吧随便 我得挂了 Fine. Whatever. I gotta go.
挂吧 Go.
你还好吧 You all right?
抱歉 Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.
你刚刚说到 Um, so you were saying...
我完全不记得你刚刚说到哪了 I have no idea what you were saying, um...
再来一次 one more time.
朱莉和她的未婚夫戴夫 Julie and her fiance Dave
一直在芝加哥找... Have been looking in the Chicago area...
快点 换衣服 Come on. Get dressed.
我们去爬山 We're going on a hike.
不 我不去 No, I'm not.
你要去 Yes, you are.
这简直荒谬 你必须走出家门 This is ridiculous. You've got to get out of here.
-我这正忙着呢 -什么 - I'm in the middle of something. - What?
这个笨女人和她老公在找房子 This stupid woman and her husband are looking for a house.
他们在牛树林镇的第一栋房子 The first house in Buffalo Grove--
你今天看这个看了几个小时 How many hours have you been at this today?
几点了 What time is it?
九点半 9:30.
你在这待得越久 The longer you stay here,
就越难走出家门 the harder it's gonna be to leave.
就像是流沙一样 It's like quicksand.
你就这么坐着 从早到晚的 You sit here, hour after hour,
看电视 watching these shows,
-嗑药 -我没有嗑药 - getting high-- - I'm not getting high.
从什么时候不嗑药了 Since when?
从我大麻嗑光了那时候 Since I ran out of dope.
你现在一副纵欲过度后得病破产的样子 You're like a white Billie Holiday.
并不好笑 It's not funny.
我买不起了 I can't afford any more.
这事我倒是考虑过 Well, I do have a thought about that.
你要给我买大麻 You're buying me dope?
并不 No.
如果你需要钱 If you need money,
这个方法可能有点走极端 and this is gonna sound a little extreme,
但你有没有想过告海伦和电视台 have you considered suing Helen and the network?
-我做不出来 -你听我说 - I can't do that. - No, hear me out.
你的上司主动和你发生关系 Your employer initiated an affair with you,
然后她跟你分手的时候 and then, when she broke up with you,
又制造了不友好的工作环境 she created a hostile work environment,
逼你离职 而现在 forcing you to leave. And now,
你找不到工作了 you can't get hired.
我不知道 I don't know.
我觉得你胜面很大 I think you have a very strong case.
总感觉不合适 It just doesn't feel right.
打官司 I mean, a lawsuit?
而且感觉太麻烦了 Also, it seems like so much work.
确实 你整天看房地产节目确实太忙了 Yes, it would cut into your busy schedule as a real estate viewer.
那个 So...
你见过她吗 ...you ever see her?
谁 海伦 Who? Helen?
有时候吧 开会的时候 Mm, sometimes. In meetings.
她没有 She doesn't, um,
没有问过我吗 ever ask about me, does she?
大概是没有 Probably not.
我只是好奇 I--I'm just curious.
她都这样对你了 After everything she did to you?
她在山上把你扒光了 She literally stripped you naked, on a hill.
我知道 I know.
-你居然还想着她 -我知道 - That you're even thinking about her! - I know.
拜托你 Please.
走出房门 换换脑子 Get out of this house. Get out of your head.
-我会的 -什么时候 - I will. - When?
等我看完《不爱就卖》和《地产兄弟》 Right after Love It or List It and Property Brothers.
还有《炒房天团》 And Flip or Flop.
所以我要演这个 So I'd be playing this former hit man
只能搬去他妈的老年社区的前杀手 who has to move into his mother's retirement community.
就像是《好家伙》和《魔茧》的综合 It's like a cross between Goodfellas and Cocoon.
起泡葡萄酒 Prosecco.
我们没有点 Oh, we didn't order any--
是我们赠送的 Our compliments.
谢了 Thanks.
他们喜欢送我东西 They like to bring me stuff here.
为什么 Why?
所以剧情就是这些老年人 So the bit is all these old people
都想雇我杀对方 keep trying to hire me to kill each other.
然后他们比黑帮还要糟糕 And they're, like, worse than the mob.
真有意思 Oh, that's funny.
是吗 Is it?
我怕的就是这一点 我... See, that's what I was afraid of. I--oh.
谢谢你 这是什么 Oh, thank you. And this is?
主厨的特色鹅肝酱 Chef's house-made goose liver pâté.
你尝尝就知道了 Wait until you try this.
帮我们谢谢主厨 Thank him for us, please.
祝胃口好 Bon appétit.
多配点面包吃会好一点 It helps if you eat a lot of bread with it.
你呢 What about you?
我讨厌鹅肝酱 No, I fucking hate pâté.
我讨厌鹅 I hate geese.
那怎么不早说 Why didn't you say something?
他们第一次端来的时候我抱怨过 I made a big fuss the first time they brought it.
现在他们每次都上这个 就吃吧 Now they bring it every time. Just eat it.
我为什么非得吃 Why do I have to eat it?
不吃不礼貌 It'd be rude.
那你吃啊 So you eat it.
佛罗里达杀手故事就算了 Okay, look, forget about the hit man in Florida.
你说得对 很烂 You're right. It sucks.
还有另一个 Here's another one.
另一个 Another one?
你叫我过来就是为了咨询我的意见 Did you ask me here just to pick my brain about these?
不是啊 拜托 No, come on.
很久没见了 I haven't seen you.
好吧 All right.
不过你既然都来了 But since I got you here...
你有一长串 You've got a list?
-也没有那么多 -那到底是多少 - There's not that many. - How many's not that many?
就给我讲讲你最喜欢的 All right, just pitch me your absolute favorite.
你最为之兴奋的是哪个 What's the one you're really excited about?
兴奋 Well, really excited?
那这样吧 Okay, let's try this.
仔细过一遍你的列表 Go through your list,
把所有最近刚离婚的故事去掉 eliminate every one where you're recently divorced.
明白 Gotcha.
-又或者“前”什么的 -好 - Or a "Former" Something. - Sure.
或者“勉强”同意做什么事的 Who "Reluctantly" agrees to do something.
尤其是“被迫搬去”和谁住的 Especially if you're "Forced to move in with" someone.
去掉所有带有“不正常的” Oh, and nix anything with the words "Dysfunctional,"
“重组家庭” uh, "Instant family,"
或者“开始意识到” or "Comes to realize."
“开始意识到”有什么问题 What's wrong with "Comes to realize"?
因为不管意识到什么 Because whatever it is,
电视台都会要求你在试播集结束的时候 the network will insist you "Come to realize" It
就要意识到 by the end of the pilot.
后面就拍不下去了 So then you've got no show.
好吧 等我想想 Right, okay. Give me a second.
至少试一试那个鹅肝酱 At least try the fucking pâté.
如何 Well?
我没有真正尝过小孩的屎 I've never actually tasted baby shit,
但我感觉应该差不多 but I have to assume.
行 搞定 Okay, done.
还剩什么 So what have you got left?
操 Fuck.
我不想演鬼 I don't want to do the one where I'm a ghost.
你是对的 Probably wise.
而且我刚意识到 And I just realized, it's a ghost
这个鬼有一个不正常的重组家庭 who has an instant family and they're dysfunctional. Jesus.
你现在状况很特别 Look, you're in a unique position.
有一大笔钱可以想干吗干吗 You have a ton of fuck-you money
还有份不错的常规工作 and a good day job.
你可以冒险 You can afford to take a risk.
你需要带着别人意想不到的作品回归 You need to come back with something no one's expecting.
演一部剧情片 Do a drama.
演一部黑色喜剧 Do a really dark comedy.
你要是想演一个跟老人混在一起的前杀手 If you're gonna play a former hit man
那就去拍 去杀 with a bunch of old people, fucking shoot some of them.
演一部电视让别人觉得 Do a show that'll make people go,
靠 没想过他还能演这个 "Shit, I didn't know he could do that."
好 Yes.
你们一定得参与 You guys got to do it.
要先来点酒吗 Can I start you with something to drink?
我来杯冰茶 Iced tea for me.
调和威士忌 不加冰 Double scotch, neat.
好 Very good.
调和威士忌 A double scotch.
我老婆的病实在烦心 It's my wife's medical stuff.
她如何了 How's she doing?
现在说是她需要骨髓移植 Well, now they're saying she needs a bone marrow transplant.
我的天 Oh, my God.
结果发现我配型成功 Turns out, I'm a match.
算我走运 My luck.
貌似 Apparently,
会非常痛 it can be very painful.
真可怜 Oh, poor thing.
我是说我 I'm talking about me.
二次婚姻谁想遇到这事 This is not what you want from a second marriage.
为什么不能 Why can't you?
我们手上还有个节目要忙着搞黄呢 We're a little busy helping to destroy our current show.
你们都痛苦死了 And you're fucking miserable.
主厨赠送 From the chef.
三文鱼鞑靼附松露芝麻油 Tuna tartare with a light truffle sesame oil.
我狂拉了一礼拜 Gave me the squirts for a week.
我们为什么要在这吃 Why are we eating here?
拜托了 我们一起啊 Come on. We got to do this.
电视台对于我们跳槽这件事 Yes, well, I'm not sure the network will be
恐怕不会太开心 very keen on us jumping ship.
别管电视台 Don't worry about the network.
他们现在忙着让我高兴 They'll do anything to keep me happy.
我能保护你 I can protect you.
我来做你的金刚 I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.
就是这个味 That's what this smells like.
是挺恶心的 Yeah, it's gross.
你好 Hello?
你一定会为我感到骄傲的 You are gonna be so proud of me.
是吗 Am I?
我出来了 I'm out!
不是吧 No?
就像是《肖申克的救赎》一样 It's like a scene from Shawshank Redemption.
你真该看看我的样子 You should see me.
我在大街上 I'm on a street!
散步 Taking a walk!
真棒 Good for you!
我买了甜甜圈 I got a donut.
不是吧 You did not?
然后呢 And?
甜甜圈真贵 Donuts are expensive.
我知道 I know.
因为甜甜圈很珍贵啊 It's because they're so rare.
不过挺好吃的 But it's good.
真高兴我出来了 I'm glad I did it.
应该的 You should be.
这是一大步 It's a big step.
我可能还会去买杯果汁 I may get a juice.
也别太疯狂啊 Well, don't go crazy.
好的 Okay.
你去忙吧 I'm gonna let you go.
不用 我在散步呢 You don't have to. I'm just walking.
说这话的意思是想挂电话了 记得吗 It's a figure of speech when someone wants to hang up, remember?
你以前老这么跟我说 You used to use it on me all the time.
继续走 March on.
我为你感到骄傲 I am very proud of you.
我也是 Me too.
谢谢你推我一把 Thanks for pushing me.
我需要有人推我 I needed the push.
好好吃甜甜圈吧 Enjoy your donut.
在吃呢 Oh, I am.
对新婚夫妇比尔和费恩来说 Buying a house in Woodbridge, Connecticut,
在康州木桥城买栋房子不是容易的事 hasn't been easy for newlyweds Bill and Fern.
他们对买什么样的房子不能达成一致 They can't agree on what they want.
他们在纽黑文郊区探寻 They're looking in the New Haven sub--
两球两振 Two balls and two strikes.
而两振之后 继续着 And with the two strikes, continues to--
你好 Hello?
肖恩 Sean?
谁 Who?
什么 What?
卡罗 Carol?
靠 Oh, shit.
你才靠 "Oh, shit" To you.
抱 抱歉 I'm sor--I'm sorry.
我 I just, uh,
我想打给贝佛利来着 I-I was calling Beverly
估计是 and I guess
名字靠太近打错了 Lincoln is next to Lapidus.
没关系 That's okay.
你不小心拨出的电话我随时都会接的 I'll take a butt-dial from you any day.
倒不是不小心打出来的 不过 Well, not exactly a butt-dial, but, uh, so,
抱歉打扰了 sorry to bother you.
再见 Take care.
喂 Hello.
你还好吗 Are you okay?
我挺好的 Yeah. I'm great.
真的 Really?
不 我 Mm, mm-hmm, no, I'm...
我也不知道 ...I don't know.
想出来吃个饭吗 You want to grab a bite?
我请你 Let me buy you dinner.
天啊 Oh, God.
不不不 No. No, no.
别啊 Ah, come on.
不 No.
说真的 Honest, uh-um...
你要是现在看见我 吃饭的胃口都没了 ...if you saw me right now, you'd lose your appetite.
我 I'm...
现在一团糟 ...kind of a mess.
你确定吗 Are you sure?
是 Yeah.
我真的 Yeah, I'm really--
我现在最好自己一个人待着 I'm better off by myself right now.
那你需要的时候打给我 Well, tell your butt I'm here if it needs me.
好 Mm-kay.
我听妈咪告诉我 So I understand from Mommy
你们在电脑上看见我 that you guys saw me on the computer doing some
干一些傻事 pretty silly stuff.
我不知道为什么就没个家长控制软件 Now, I don't know why we don't have some kind of parental control thing
能让你们看不到这种东西吗 that would stop you from seeing stuff like that.
重点不是这个 Not the point.
要不你来 You want to do this?
不 你惹的事 No, this is you.
-快说 赶紧的 -说着呢 - Do it. Just do it. - I'm doing it.
反正吧 Anyway,
有时候你们明知道有些事不该做 you know how sometimes you guys do stuff
但你们还是要去做 对吧 you know you shouldn't do but you do it anyway?
有时候爸爸也会这样 Well, sometimes daddies do that too.
当然略有不同因为你们做的事 I mean, it's a little different 'cause the stuff you do
最后不会上福克斯新闻 doesn't end up on Fox News,
因为那破主持人 'cause apparently Greta Van Susteren
没有正经事可以报道了 doesn't have enough real stuff to fucking talk about.
不过重点在于 But the point is,
爸爸做的事仍然是错的 that doesn't make what Daddy did okay.
而且我很内疚 And I feel bad.
我很内疚做了这件事 I feel bad that it happened,
也很内疚让你们看见了 and I feel bad you had to see it.
你们肯定会感觉非常奇怪 I'm sure it was very, very weird for you,
看见那位裸体的女士和爸爸的阴茎 seeing that naked lady and Daddy's penis.
我们没必要讨论爸爸的阴茎 So we don't need to talk about Daddy's penis
因为重点在于 'cause the point is...
重点在于 我犯了个错 ...The point is, I made a mistake.
犯了大错 A big mistake.
但好在 But the good thing
人要吃一堑长一智 is that every time you make a mistake, you learn something.
而我学到的事情 我希望你们 And what I learned, and this is the one thing
都能记住 I want you to remember,
那就是当你们打算做坏事的时候 whenever you're about to do something that you know is bad,
永远永远 always, always, always
要找找有没有摄像头 look for the camera.
没问题了吧 So we're good?
行 好 Okay. Good.
不 Oh, no.
-是的 -不 - Oh, yeah. - No.
-是的 -不不不 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, no, no.
-你不用 -我知道 - You didn't have-- - I know.
别看我了 D'oh! Stop looking at me.
怎么了 你看着挺好的 Why, you look great.
瞎说 Bullshit.
你看着挺舒适的 Well, you look comfortable.
你真的不用 You really shouldn't have--
行吧行吧 我呢 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I...
买了你喜欢的烤鸡 ...got the roast chicken that you like.
买了一些豆角 还有土豆 I got some of those green beans and that potato thing, with...
配着酱 ...sauce on the side.
我没买讨厌的甘蓝 I got no fucking kale.
买了奶酪意面 I got the mac and cheese.
有松露的 Oh, with the truffles?
不过首先 But first,
来点开胃菜 a little amuse-bouche.
我的天 Oh, my God.
你带卷纸了吗 Did you bring papers?
我带卷纸了吗 Did I bring papers?
天哪 Oh, Jesus.
你说你一团糟的时候 我 When you said you were a mess, I--
我是一团糟 I am a mess.
亲爱的 Aww, honey.
你在闻我的头发吗 Are you smelling my hair?
别闻我的头发 Don't smell my hair.
我在尽力 I'm trying not to.
我昨晚回家把鞋子脱掉 So I get home last night and kick off my shoes,
往厨房走过去 and I start going into the kitchen.
然后我转过身 Then, I turn around...
就看见我的猫咪 ...and there's Mr. Swizzleboots,
他把头埋进我的鞋子 and he's got his head inside my shoe.
然后就只能看见他的小屁股 And all you can see is his little bum,
在那疯狂摇尾巴 and his tail wagging like crazy.
看看看看看看看看看 Look-look-look-look-look-look- look-look-look-look-look-look.
鞋子里是谁啊 Who's in that shoe?
鞋子里是谁啊 鞋子里是谁啊 Who's in that shoe? Who's in that shoe?
鞋子里是谁啊 Who's in that shoe?
这就是所谓的第十九层地狱吧 So apparently, there is another level of hell.
从来没这么讨厌过一只猫 Never hated a cat more.
鞋子里是谁啊 Who's in that shoe?
你们大家 Oh, you guys.
是因为我做了香蕉面包给你们吗 Is this because I made the banana bread?
其实是送给肖恩和贝佛利的 Actually, it's for Sean and Beverly.
马特送的 From Matt?
让我来做你们的金刚 "Let me be your 500-pound gorilla."
你们玩完那个巨型玩偶了吗 Uh, whenever you're done playing with your plush toy,
可以开始工作了吗 perhaps we could get back to work?
好的 我们说到哪了 All right, where were we?
我记得是说到 Uh, I believe we were up to,
鞋子里是谁啊 "Who's in that shoe?"
太好了 So good.
我想你了 I missed you.
还有你 And you.
你好啊老朋友 Hello, old friend.
这是有多棒 How great is this?
太他妈棒了 Pretty fucking great.
你有一个大红的节目 You've got a hit show.
这怎么可能呢 How the hell did that happen?
我都烦死了 I hate it.
-你才不呢 -真的 - You do not. - I do.
他们把勒布朗当做他妈的土皇帝 They treat LeBlanc like he's a fucking king.
好像全是他一个人的功劳似的 Like he invented ratings.
我才是关键人物 Me, I'm a punch line.
我的老天 这节目是谁引进的 I mean, Jesus Christ, who brought them the show?
你也在场的 太恶心了 You were there. It's such bullshit.
去你的 Fuck you.
去你的 No. Fuck you.
我连工作都没有 I don't have a job.
-你应该有工作的 -我应该有工作的 - You should have a job. - I should have a job.
还要吗 More?
好 Ugh--yes.
至少你有在挣钱 At least you're making money.
钱全给了杰米和另外两个 It all goes to Jamie and the other two.
还有那些破孩子 And all those fucking kids.
带着爱意 Said with love.
肯定的 Always.
你妈如何了 How's your mother?
我就是好奇 I was just wondering.
她更刻薄了 She's meaner.
还能更刻薄吗 Is that possible?
确实不科学 可偏偏就更刻薄了 Oh, science wouldn't have thought so, but somehow she is.
自从我爸死了 她又当爹又当妈 I think since my father died, she's doing the work of two.
怎么 What?
我想念那张脸 I miss that face.
我说了别看我 Ah, I said don't look at me.
你又不是我老板 Hey, you're not the boss of me.
你也不是我老板 And you are not the boss of me.
还是怪怪的 That's still weird.
我真的搞砸了 I really fucked this up.
你是我遇过最棒的事情 You were the best thing that ever happened to me.
可不是 Damn right.
别看了 Stop looking.
是艾琳 Uh, it's Eileen.
我们马上过来 Uh, we'll be right there.
抓紧点 可别错过了乐子 Make it quick. Don't want to miss the fun.
伏地魔当了野营教官能有多少乐子 If Voldemort were a camp counselor.
早上好 Morning.
大家好 如何 Hi, guys. How's it going?
-可怕 -简直折磨 - Horrible. - Tortuous.
我刚接到一个电话 Okay, so I just got a call
马特·勒布朗的经纪人罗杰·里斯金打来的 from Roger Riskin, Matt LeBlanc's agent.
他说马特让你们来写他的下一部戏 He's saying Matt asked you to write his next show?
-是 马特对我们很感兴趣 -对 - Yeah, Matt's been after us. - Right.
我不知道该说什么 I didn't know what to say.
有事得告知我一声啊 Got to keep me in the loop.
其实没什么事 Well, there really is no loop.
我们决定留在这边 We've decided to stick it out here.
-谁知道为什么来着 -我们投入了很多 - God knows why. - We've got so much invested.
我觉得这很明智 I think that's very smart.
关于《对立面》的消息炒的飞起 The buzz on Opposite is super hot,
现在又有安东尼·博纳·史密斯这摊子事 and now with Anthony Powner Smith--
-什么 -你说什么 - Say what? - I'm sorry, what?
什么 What?
安东尼·博纳·史密斯 Anthony Powner Smith?
对 Right?
怎么了 Is what?
出演《对立面》 In Opposite.
-不不不 -不可能 - No, no, no. - No, not likely.
好吧 Okay.
他会演的吧 Unless he is.
艾琳 你听谁说的 Eileen, where are you getting this?
我可能得到了错误的消息 Look, I may be misinformed.
会不会是从你另一个客户蒂姆那里听来的 Would it be from your other client, Tim?
有可能吧 Maybe.
所以就不是错误的消息呗 So you're not misinformed?
不是 No.
好歹你告诉我们了 Well, at least you've kept us in the loop.
既然说到这了 不如我一次性说清楚 Uh, to that end, full disclosure,
我可能也已经签了他 I may have signed him as well.
谁 Who?
安东尼·博纳·史密斯 Anthony Powner Smith?
好像是的 I think so.
什么叫好像是 What do you mean you think so?
已经签了 No, I did.
蒂姆又选了他来演我们的戏 And Tim cast him in our show,
明知道知道我们什么想法 knowing full well how we feel?
这事已经定了吗 Is it a done deal?
我相信他的经纪人能告诉你答案 I'm sure his agent will be able to tell you.
是 已经定了 No, it's a done deal.
非常好 Oh, brilliant.
是这样 我... Okay, here's what I--
刚好赶上 Ah, just in time.
趁热吃 Get 'em while they're hot.
这什么 What's this?
周五是法拉费日 你们不知道吗 It's Falafel Friday, didn't you know?
不知道 有太多事我们不知道了 No, but clearly there's so much we don't know.
安东尼·博纳·史密斯 Anthony Powner Smith.
他妈的安东尼·博纳·史密斯 Anthony bloody-fucking Powner Smith.
这样 All right, look,
不如我们吃完果馅饼再讨论 why don't we have this conversation after the flan?
不行 Uh, don't think so
因为吃完果馅饼我们也完了 because there's not gonna be any "After the flan."
我们不干了 We're done.
我们先退一步 Oh-okay. Let-let's just take a step back.
退什么退 摔死得了 Only if you're at the edge of a cliff.
要是我再多花一分钟 If I have to spend one more minute
看你那张 looking at your-- your-your...
-飘飘然 -飘飘然 - Smug. - ...smug...
-自以为是 -自以为是的 - Self-satisfied. - ...self-satisfied...
黄鼠狼脸 Weasel-faced.
-我知道 -行行 - I've got it. - Oh-okay, okay.
你是个一点幽默感也没有的作者 You are nothing but a humor-deficient poser,
字里行间只能用你的 filling in the huge gaps in your talent
傲慢和可丽饼来填满 with arrogance and crepes.
-也别... -你是个很糟糕的作家 - Okay, let-let's not-- - You are a terrible writer.
你的写作直觉全都大错特错 Your every instinct is dead wrong.
你的幽默感就像是 像是 You're about as funny as--as--
帽子里长的肿瘤 a tumor in a silly hat.
抱歉 我通常不会大庭广众之下羞辱人 I'm sorry, I don't normally believe in public shaming,
今天忍不住了 什么法拉费周五 but what the hell? It's Falafel Friday!
你干吗呢 What are you doing?
靠 我不该吃的 Oh, shit, shouldn't. I--
我不知道他在说什么 I don't know what he's talking--
很好 Oh, great, right.
现在又开始假装 Now he's doing that thing where he pretends
他不耐烦了 he's lost interest in the conversation.
上大学的时候这招就不管用 Well, it didn't work at university
今天也照样行不通 and it's not going to fly today.
你好 Hello!
真讨厌 Oh, bollocks!
这是我第一次喜欢你的厨艺 You know, I've never enjoyed your cooking more.
什么 What?
天啊 真抱歉 Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
没事 不疼 That's okay. They're really light.
加了蛋白 That's the egg whites.
好了 现在就是这样 All right, so, there we are.
对其他人 很抱歉我们要抛弃你们了 To the rest of you, I am so sorry we're abandoning you.
没有人应该面对这个噩梦 除了阿曼达 Nobody deserves this walking nightmare, except obviously Amanda.
不吃麸质 Giving up gluten
又不是什么了不起的成就 is not like you've discovered a new vaccine or a new planet.
不就是面粉而已 It's just fucking wheat.
冷静点 Calm down.
-跑题了 -对 - Getting off point. - Right.
走出这个地方让我很伤心 You know, it breaks my heart to walk out of here,
因为我知道这原本可以是一部好戏 because I know this could have been a really great show.
但我不能忍受看着你们 But I just can't bear standing by and watching you
一点点毁掉它 ruin it bit by bit.
还有 安东尼·博纳·史密斯 By the way, Anthony Powner Smith?
我们都建好布景了 We've already built the fucking set.
全是楼梯 It's all stairs!
对哦 Oh, right.
等一下 Hang on.
你的保鲜盒是要不回来了 Good luck getting your Tupperware back.
你根本就不喜欢法拉费 You don't even like falafel.
我知道 但这些真的好吃 I know, but these are really good.
你看见我另一只袜子了吗 Have you seen my other sock?
哪一只 Which one?
右脚的还是左脚的 The right or the left?
反正跟这一只非常像 Well, very, very similar to this one.
没看见 Have not seen it.
来点吗 You want some?
昨晚的事打算这么尴尬地沉默过去吗 So are you gonna be weird about last night?
差不多吧 Oh, probably.
你不打算吗 You're not?
不 昨晚很好 Nope. It was perfect.
很舒爽 It was delicious.
我俩在一起的感觉很好 It was us.
我知道 I know.
但是 But--
不不不不 别说但是 No-no-no-no-no-no-no. Shh. Uh-uh, no buts.
我不能再来一遍 I can't do this again.
太多过去了 There's just too much history.
历史都是过去 古老的过去 太多了 Ehh, like old history, like ancient history, like there's togas.
我们现在状况不一样了 We are in a different place now.
在这呢 Hello.
我只是觉得现在 I just think right now--
行行 不不不 好 好 Okay-okay, no-no-no-no. Got it. Got it.
我听明白了 I hear you.
不逼你 Not pushing.
我就这么说吧 Let me just say this.
你知道我昨晚本来打算做什么吗 You know what I was gonna do last night?
做速冻餐吃 Eat a Lean Cuisine,
看三集《创智赢家》重播 and watch, like, three reruns of Shark Tank,
吃一颗安眠药然后睡过去 take an Ambien, and pass out.
然后电话响了 And then the phone rang...
就像个他妈的奇迹 ...like a fucking miracle.
我听到你声音的时候 When I heard your voice,
你也知道我从来不信什么命运的屁话 and you know I don't believe in any of that fate crap,
但是真的 but come on.
你想一想 I'm just saying.
但是我们慢慢来 But we'll take it slow.
好吗 Okay?
你想怎么样 I will take it
发展这段关系 any way you want
我都配合你 to give it to me.
我们话不多说 看看箱子里的伙伴们如何了 So let's get right to it and see what our box-mates are up to.
雷夫 Hey, Rafe.
你疯了吗 Losing your mind?
我看这人才是疯了 I'd rather lose my mime.
至少他很安静 对吧杰西卡 Well, at least it's quiet. Right, Jessica?
我也希望安静点 Quiet would be nice.
雷夫 现在后悔把所有点数 So Rafe, any regrets about spending all your points
都用来给丹妮卡... ...to put Danika...
穿上相扑装了吗 ...in that sumo suit?
我昨天给你打电话了 你没接 I tried calling last night. You didn't pick up.
我电话有问题 Something was messed up with my phone.
我跟修手机的打电话 打了一个小时 I was on with the IT guy for an hour.
最可怕的四个字 Three scariest words in the English language:
打开设置 "Go to settings."
我想你了 Well, I missed you.
乔纳森的未来可能会出现一只大羊驼 Up next, there may be a llama in Jonathan's future.
广告之后揭晓答案 We'll find out right after this.
切出 And we're out!
两分钟 大家 两分钟 Two minutes, everybody! Two minutes!
你们在这做什么 Hey, what are you doing here?
想合作拍戏吗 Want to do a show?
说真的 Seriously?
把我们算上 Sign us up.
行 但这是最后一次 All right, but this is the last time.
什么时候开始 我有个好主意 When can we start? I got a really good idea.
真的吗 Really?
对 我演一个车祸里死掉的人 Yeah, I'm this guy who gets killed in a car accident,
然后重生为狗 and I come back as a dog.
然后我老婆收养了我 And my wife adopts me
因为她感觉到一种亲切感 because she senses this connection.
然后我跟她和她的新老公住在一起 And I'm living with her and her new husband.
然后呢 观众看我 Okay, now, the audience
是我的样子 sees me as me.
但戏里的人看我是狗的样子 But everyone on the show sees me as a dog.
然后我必须得 And I have to, like...
在外拉屎 ...crap outside and,
然后其他狗往我身上骑 and other dogs are humping me.
-等等 等等 -可能会挺有趣的 - Let-let's-let's, let's, uh... - That could be fun.
-想一想 有可能 -肯定会... - ...think about it, maybe. - It certainly--
-马特 开始了 -好 - Matt, we're back. --Okay.
一定会很棒的 This is gonna be great.
不不不 No, no--no, ah.
我的老天 我们这是干了什么 Dear God, what have we done?
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