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翻译: NANA
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前情提要
校对: NANA
要拍什么样的戏 尽管说想法 Okay, so what's the show? Let's just toss things out.
-我演总统怎么样 -哪个星球的总统 - What if I'm the president? - Of what planet?
时间轴: 纸袋P
我们慢慢来 We'll take it slow.
你想怎么样 我都配合你 I will take it any way you want to give it to me.
后期: 鱼骨头
你和默克 You and Merc?
总监： NANA
实际上 In fact...
这什么 What's this?
我不知道该跟她说什么 I don't know what I'm gonna tell her.
你不要跟她说任何事 You're gonna tell her nothing.
什么也不要说 That's what you're gonna tell her.
她会恨你这个传话的 There's a reason "Hug the messenger" is not an expression.
你还好吧 Are you okay?
戏里戏外 第五季第五集
这太棒了 Oh, this is so nice.
我都不记得我们上次来是什么时候 I can't remember the last time we were here.
也不记得上次你穿高跟鞋是什么时候 Or the last time I saw you in big-girl shoes.
对啊 Oh, I know.
脚很激动 今晚是要有艳遇了吗 My feet were like, "Are we getting laid tonight or what?"
顺便 这顿我请 By the way, this is on me.
-不不不 -要的要的 - Oh, no, no, no. - Yes, yes.
我想请你 I want to do this.
这顿饭是为了谢谢你 It's my thank-you lunch.
谢什么 For?
谢谢你对我这么好 For being an amazing friend.
我不知道好在哪里 Well, I don't know how amazing--
胡说 Bullshit.
要不是你 我根本走不出来 I could not have gotten through this without you.
还有抗抑郁药 And Prozac.
-还有抗抑郁药 -还有大麻 - And Prozac. - And weed.
那是肯定的 但是 Well, sure, but...
我不能带着大麻来吃午饭 I can't take weed to lunch.
我敢肯定如果现在翻你的包 I'm sure if we went through your purse,
就会知道你没说真话 we'd find that's not true.
我还带了一点 I also have a little bit of--
-你好 -你好 我是AJ - Hi. - Hi. I'm AJ.
-今天由我来服务你们 -你好AJ - I'll be your waiter today. - Yeah, hi, AJ.
-你能给我们两分钟吗 -当然 - Can you just give us a sec? - Absolutely.
-准备好了随时叫我 -谢谢 - Whenever you're ready. - Thank you.
我还带来了一点新闻 I also have a little bit of news.
-你跟默克分手了 -什么 不是 - You broke up with Merc. - What? No.
那行 你说 All right, well, you go.
-其实那个部分还挺顺利的 -很好 - Actually, that part is going great. -Great.
我可能怀孕了 I might be pregnant.
天啊 亲耳听见这句话感觉真奇怪 God, it feels so weird to hear it out loud.
我还没告诉默克 I haven't told Merc yet.
你是第一个 You're the first.
连心理医生都没告诉 Not even my shrink.
可能还是要告诉他一声 He should probably be looped in.
主要问题是 我想 The thing is, I think--
别激动 Okay, do not freak.
我想生下这个孩子 I think I want to keep it.
一定要找你心理医生谈谈 Definitely talk to your shrink.
我知道 我知道 I know, I know.
我一直说根本不想要孩子 I always said I never wanted one,
但现在 我在想 but now, I'm thinking...
干吗不生 Why not?
你知道吗 You know?
我都快37了 I mean, I'm almost 37.
我都39了 I'm 39.
默克和我现在状况有很好 And Merc and I are in such a good place.
好吧 Okay.
感觉像是命中注定一样 It's like this was kind of meant to be.
我只能做这个坏人了 May I just play devil's advocate here?
默克跟莫宁·兰道夫有一腿 Merc is screwing Morning Randolph.
-什么 -而且他们订婚了 我很抱歉 - What? -And they're engaged. I'm sorry.
这不可能 That's not possible.
还没好 AJ Not yet, AJ.
我跟她聊过 I spoke with her.
我看见戒指了 I saw the ring.
还有戒指 There's a ring?
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
-大吗 -这重要吗 - Is it big? - Does it matter?
-有多大 -你别这样 - How big? - Don't do this to yourself.
有多大 How big?
大概 Like...
那就跟玛利亚·凯利的一样大了 That's, like, Mariah Carey big.
-好啦也没有那么大但是 -那也够大了 - All right, not that big, but-- - Jesus, that's still big!
我不知道 我觉得挺大的 I don't know. It looked big to me,
而且 很闪 and it... sparkled a lot.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
多久了 How long?
他们订婚多久了 Have they been engaged?
你知道多久了 How long have you known?
没多久 Not long.
多久了 How long?
一周 A week.
一周 A week?
你都知道一周了 You've known for a week?
我想告诉你的 I wanted to tell you.
我感觉很糟糕 I felt so awful.
-真的 AJ -我拜托你 - Seriously, AJ. - Come on, AJ.
听我说 Look.
我懂的 I get it.
但默克才是坏人 But it's Merc who's the villain here.
别生我的气 生他的气 Don't be mad at me. Be mad at him.
我觉得 I think... yeah...
我对你们俩都很生气 I think there's enough mad for both of you.
要更气他才对 Well, be madder at him.
一周了 A week?
你别 Well, don't--
如果你什么时候 You know, if you're ever
闲着没事 在回顾自己 just sittin' around, thinkin',
还有什么特别残忍的事情没有做过 "What are the cruelest things I never got to do?"
这一项可以划掉了 Off your bucket list.
我的天啊AJ Jesus, AJ!
好 Right.
我们聊了这么多内容 Is there anything we've talked about so far
有大家都喜欢的吗 that we actually like?
有值得尝试的吗 Anything worth pursuing?
我还是喜欢《妓女》 I still like Whores.
不就网飞在拍吗 那又怎么样 So Netflix is doing it. So what?
有两个版本的《卡波特》 There were two Capotes.
两个版本的《乔布斯》 Two Steve Jobs.
你真的要把卡波特和乔布斯 Are you really comparing Truman Capote and Steve Jobs
跟妓女相比吗 to Whores?
你说得对 No, you're right.
《妓女》会有人看的 I'd watch Whores.
别人已经在拍了 They're already doing it.
去他的网飞 Fuckin' Netflix.
要把全部时间都投入到别人已经在制作的戏里 It's just crazy to invest all our time in a show
-有点疯狂 -行吧行吧 - that's already being done. -Yeah, yeah.
我实在是很喜欢《妓女》 I just like Whores so much.
我爸的女友 My father's girlfriend.
忽略掉 Just ignore it.
-行 -可能有急事 - Okay, so-- - Maybe it's important.
烦人 Pain in the ass.
我跟你爸坐在厨房 So, I'm sitting in the kitchen with your father,
我跟他说 你想吃午饭吗 and I say to him, "Do you want lunch?
我做了鸡蛋沙拉 金枪鱼沙拉 I've got egg salad. I've got tuna salad."
他说 我不喜欢你的金枪鱼沙拉 And he says, "I don't like your tuna salad."
我说什么时候的事 你喜欢我的金枪鱼沙拉 So I go, "Since when? You love my tuna salad."
他说 And he says,
自从你开始用那个轻蛋黄酱就不喜欢了 "Not since you started using that shitty light mayonnaise."
-琳达 -等我说完 - Linda-- - Let me finish.
他说 我才不吃 里面有屎 So he says, "I'm not eating it with that crap in it."
所以我们就上车 开到塔吉特超市 So we get in the car, we schlepp over to Target--
-琳达 -怎么 - Linda! - What?
你为什么要讲这个故事 Is there a point to this?
他死了 He's dead.
-什么 -他死了 - What? - He's dead.
-我的老天 -天啊 - Dear Lord. - Oh, my God.
-等一下 我爸死了 -死了 - Wait, my father is dead? - Dead.
他正拿起一瓶蛋黄酱 So, he's picking up a jar of mayonnaise.
那种大瓶的 One of those stupid big ones.
就算他活着 等我们吃完那瓶酱 Even if he lived, he'd be dead
也差不多该死了 by the time we finished that thing.
然后突然一下 他 And all of a sudden, he goes--
瓶子掉了 蛋黄酱洒的到处都是 The jar drops. There's mayonnaise everywhere.
他就倒下了 我还在想 He just falls over, and I'm thinking,
我们还得赔这瓶蛋黄酱 "Now we're gonna have to pay for that."
-死了 -对 死了 - Dead? - Yes! Dead!
有这么难理解吗 Why is this so difficult?
-那他现在在哪 我不知道 - So where is he now? - I don't know.
救护车来把他带走了 The ambulance people came and took him away.
-去哪了 -我怎么知道 - Where? - How do I know?
-就带走了 -老天 - They just took him. - Jesus Christ.
最棒的部分是 我现在困在这了 Oh, and the best part is, i'm stuck here now.
什么 What?
车钥匙在他身上 Yeah, the car keys were in his pocket.
现在他死了 So now he's dead,
我像个傻瓜一样站在超市 and I'm standing here at Target like a schmuck.
他们说没说我们该怎么办 What--so did they say what we do now?
怎么办 你来接我 What we do now is you come and pick me up!
我不来接你 I'm not coming to pick you up.
我得去找他 你叫个出租车 I got to find his body. Call a cab.
我叫不了出租车 I can't call a cab.
钱在他身上 我没钱 He had the money. I have no money.
你是女王还是怎么的 Who are you? The Queen?
钱都不带你怎么出门 How do you leave the house without money?
下次我会记得带上钱包 Next time, I'll remember to bring my wallet
免得我老公突然死翘翘 in case my husband drops dead
把我一个人晾在超市 and leaves me stranded at Target.
他才不是你老公 He's not your husband.
你去吃屎吧 Oh, go fuck yourself, okay?
去吃屎 Just go fuck yourself.
这是我这辈子最糟糕的一天 This is the worst day of my life!
行吧行吧 Yeah. Yeah.
我去找找他人 等一下 I'll try to track him down. Hang on.
给她叫个优步 Call her an Uber.
-我得处理这事 -当然 - I got to do this. - Of course.
你好 勒布朗太太 Hello, Mrs. LeBlanc--
她才不是勒布朗太太 She's not Mrs. LeBlanc.
让他去吃屎 Tell him to go fuck himself.
经常的 As often as I can.
你是谁 Who is this?
我们见过 Actually, we've met.
我是贝佛利·林肯 This is Beverly Lincoln.
发型奇怪的那个 The one with the hair?
那肯定就是我了 That could certainly be me.
你想做什么 What do you want?
马特叫我们来送你回家 Matt has asked us to help you get home.
你在哪 Where are you?
在调料区 In condiments.
不 我是说你在哪个店 No, I mean, where is the store situated?
我们得给详细坐标 We need to give them the coordinates.
我记得你了 Oh, I remember you now.
我在塔吉特 I'm at Target.
哪一家塔吉特 Okay, which Target?
拉西尼加 La Cienega.
拉西尼加的塔吉特 The Target on La Cienega.
我听到了 I heard her.
去超市门口等着 Okay, go wait in front of the store.
-我们给你叫一辆优步 -一辆啥 - We're gonna get you an Uber. - A what?
-优步 -油布 - An Uber. - An ubah?
别带口音 Say it without the accent.
-优步 -天 - Uber. - Oh, Jesus.
我把电话给肖恩 I'm gonna turn you over to Sean.
他详细跟你沟通 He can give you the details.
你好 勒布朗太太 Hello, Mrs. LeBlanc.
她才不是勒布朗太太 She's not Mrs. LeBlanc!
操你的 Fuck you!
你的司机名字叫阿姆贾德 Your driver's name is Amjad.
-什么 -阿姆贾德 - What? - Amjad.
-阿姆贾德 -阿姆贾德 - Amjad? - Amjad.
-有人叫这种名字 -他六分钟以后到 - That's a person? - He'll be there in six minutes.
-你怎么知道 -我电话上显示的 - How do you know? - It's on my phone.
你不是在跟我通电话吗 I'm on your phone.
我还有一个电话 I have another phone.
谁用两部电话啊 Who has two phones?
不 我不 No, I-- don't--
重点是你的优步司机 阿姆贾德 The point is your Uber driver, Amjad--
油布 阿姆贾德 Ubah. Amjad.
让马特接电话 Just put Matt on.
让他接 Just put him back on!
等一下 Hang on.
好的 谢谢你 你去吧 Ok, thank you. Go ahead.
行 我找到人了 All right, I found the body.
我现在得找个丧礼公司去取他 Now I got to get a funeral home to go pick it up.
她坚持要跟你说话 She's insisting on speaking to you.
她好像不明白什么是优步 She doesn't seem to understand Uber,
而且对司机阿姆贾德有意见 and she has issues with her driver Amjad.
她现在心烦意乱 She's clearly distraught.
我来处理 Let me handle it.
琳达 Linda.
坐你的优步 Take the fucking Uber.
搞定 Done.
真抱歉 I'm so sorry.
她是挺烦的 Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.
不 关于你父亲 No, about your father.
那事啊 That.
人死不能复生 Well, what're you gonna do?
我们就不打扰了 你去处理吧 So, we'll get out of your hair and let you deal with this.
不不不 别走 给我几分钟 No, no, no. Stay. I just need, like, a second.
然后接着工作 Then we can get back to work.
马特·勒布朗在一号线 Matt LeBlanc on one.
哥们 怎么了 Hey, bud. What's up?
我爸刚死了 My father just died.
-不会吧 -倒在塔吉特超市 - Aw, no. - Dropped dead at Target.
天 也太惨了 Jesus, that is sad on so many levels.
所以我 So I, uh,
我需要一家丧礼公司去接他 I need a funeral home to go and pick up the body.
-你能不能... -包在我身上 - Can you-- - I'm on it.
把详细信息发给我 要是还有其他事需要 Text me the info, and if there's anything else I can--
给我谈一部漫威的版权 Yeah, get me a Marvel franchise.
一件一件来 One thing at a time.
说到哪了 Okay, where were we?
你确定现在有心情工作吗 Are you sure you're up for this?
当然 怎么了 Sure, yeah, why not?
我很抱歉 你刚刚失去了父亲 Well, I'm sorry, but you just lost your father.
你一定有一些情绪的 You must be feeling... something.
我有情绪 I feel stuff.
我觉得很烦 I feel annoyed...
必须去处理这摊事 that I have to handle this shit.
我觉得很轻松 I feel relieved...
那个讨厌的琳达不再电话骚扰我了 that stupid Linda's off the phone.
我觉得很生气 I feel angry...
生网飞的气 at Netflix.
我还有点饿 And I'm also a little hungry.
可能是因为刚刚一直在说什么蛋黄酱 Probably all that mayonnaise talk.
有没有人想要个三明治 Anyone want a sandwich?
你不会现在真的要吃蛋黄酱吧 You're not really eating mayonnaise now?
没错 Yep.
我要直面死神 I'm gonna look death in the face...
然后涂满全麦面包 and then I'm gonna spread it on whole wheat
外加火鸡和瑞士奶酪 with some turkey and Swiss.
我得说 I've got to say, so far today,
这是你今天最好的主意 this is the best idea you've had.
是蛋黄酱给的灵感 It's the mayonnaise.
就假设 Let's say
你现在打开电视 you could turn on your TV right now
可以看任何你想看的节目 and watch anything you wanted.
你想看什么 What would it be?
不能是《妓女》 And it can't be Whores.
什么都行 Anything at all.
什么 What?
我还是应该打给我妈 I should probably call my mother.
真的 现在 我们现在正灵感迸发呢 Really? Now? When we're on a roll?
应该告诉她一声 Yeah, well, I should let her know.
严格说来 他们还是夫妻 Technically, they're still married.
-你开玩笑吧 -没有 - You're joking. - Nope.
她坚持了四十年不肯离婚 40 years she wouldn't give him a divorce.
一直说"直到死亡把我们分开" She was all about "Till death do us part."
所以今天算是偿清了 So today's quite the payoff.
给我两秒钟 你们继续 Just two seconds. Keep going.
-喂 -妈 - Hello? - Ma?
-喂 -妈 - Hello? - Ma.
戴上你的助听器 Put your hearing aids in.
等一下 我去戴助听器 Hold on, I'm putting my hearing aids in.
喂 Hello?
妈 有噪音 Ma. Feedback.
等一下 Hold on.
我听不见 I can't hear.
有噪音 妈 Feedback. Ma?
我讨厌这些破玩意 I hate these damn things.
妈 Ma?
-喂 -你能听见了吗 - Hello? - Can you hear me now?
-喂 -妈 - Hello? - Ma?
-我把它取了 -戴上 - I took it out. - Put it back.
等一下 Hold on.
天 调一下 Jesus Christ. Adjust it.
调一下 Adjust it!
-好点吗 -好点了 - Better? - Yeah. Yeah, better.
有什么新消息 So, what's new?
爸死了 Dad's dead.
-什么 -他死了 - What? - He's dead.
怎么 What?
死了 Dead.
他整个人都懵了 He's so shut down.
他什么时候不懵了 You're assuming there's something there to shut.
你也看见他们在一起是什么样子 You saw what they were like together.
我知道 但那是他父亲 No, I know, but it's his father.
-琳达 -操 - Linda. - Fuck.
-我不行 我不行 -上次我接的 - I can't do it. I can't. - I was last up.
行行行 Fine, fine, fine, fine.
喂 Hello.
那个谁还没到呢 What's-his-name's still not here yet.
等一下 那是肖恩负责的 Hang on. That's Sean's department.
喂 琳达 Hello, Linda.
他还没到 He's still not here.
-等一下 我查查 -我站不住了 - Hang on, let me check. - I'm starting to melt.
-上面说他应该到了 -告诉上面他没到 - It says he should be there. - Well, tell it he's not.
-他开着一辆起亚 -他在宜家 - He's in a Kia. - IKEA?
我都说了是塔吉特 I told you Target!
-塔吉特 -他开着一辆起亚 - Target! - He's in a Kia.
-一辆什么 -起亚 - A what? - A Kia.
-起亚 -起亚 - A Kia? - A Kia.
起亚 A Kia?
等一下 我打给他 贝佛利来接电话 Hang on. Let me call him. Here's Beverly.
喂 Hello again.
喂 阿姆贾德 Hello, Amjad?
是什么样的起亚 What type of Kia is it?
是一辆白色起亚锐欧 It's a white Kia Rio.
-一辆起阿锐欧 -不是 - A Kiario? - No.
那辆起亚的型号是锐欧 The model of the Kia is a Rio,
颜色是白色 and the color is white.
你有看见一辆白车吗 Do you see a white car?
我旁边就有一辆 Yeah. I'm standing right next to one.
跟她招手 Wave to her.
那是起亚锐欧 That's a Kia Rio?
那是辆起亚锐欧 Yes, that's a Kia Rio,
-然后那位司机 -天啊 - and the gentleman-- - Oh, Jesus.
我没有钥匙 I have no key.
钥匙在他口袋里 He had the keys in his pocket.
我进不了家 I can't get into the house.
我不知道该跟你说什么 I'm not sure what to tell you.
太糟糕了 告诉马特我被锁在门外了 God damn it. Tell Matt I'm locked out.
我需要他的钥匙 I need his key.
他现在在和他妈妈通话 I'm afraid he's on with his mother.
-他妈被锁在门外了吗 -应该没有 - Is she locked out? - I don't think so.
那就去她的 让他接电话 Then fuck her. Just put him on.
等一下 Hang on.
我就是想告诉你一声 I just wanted you to know.
-我说不清楚 -抱歉打扰一下 是琳达 - I don't know. - I'm so sorry. It's, uh, Linda.
她说她被锁在门外了 需要你的钥匙 She says she's locked out and she needs your key.
我没有钥匙 I don't have a key.
你怎么会没有钥匙 How do you not have a key?
-是你住在那 -你要不拿着电话 - You live there. - Would you like the phone?
不 叫个锁匠过去 No, call in a fucking locksmith.
当然 Absolutely.
真是越来越精彩了 It only gets better.
给谁叫个锁匠 Get who a locksmith?
琳达 Linda.
谁 Who?
琳达 Linda.
我应该不认识哪个叫琳达的人 I don't believe I know anyone by that name.
行了 妈 All right, Ma.
那个婊子 That whore.
反正吧 就是这个事 Anyway, that's the news.
等一下 他怎么回来 Wait, how's he getting back here?
-谁 -你爸啊谁 - Who? - Your father, who.
-回来做什么 -他的葬礼 - For what? - His funeral.
-什么葬礼 -什么葬礼 - What funeral? - "What funeral?"
那个混蛋都这样对你了 After everything that asshole did?
他仍然是我丈夫 He's still my husband.
我得把他安葬入土 I get to put him in the ground.
行吧 我 Fine, I'll...
我想办法把他运回去 I'll figure out a way to ship him back.
好 Good.
我现在要去超市 Now, I got to go to Costco.
-给你买点什么 -为什么 - What should I get you? - For what?
你得过来参加 Well, you're coming in for this.
-我才不 -他是你父亲 - No, I'm not. - He's your father.
那像什么样 How's it gonna look?
他四十年前抛弃我们的时候像什么样 How'd it look 40 years ago when he walked out on us?
忘了吧马特 他都死了 Oh, let it go, Matthew. He's dead.
跟上帝在一起了 He's with God.
我表示怀疑 I doubt that.
喂 Hello?
-在这呢 -宝贝 - In here! - Hey, babe.
我有大新闻 So, I've got some big news.
真的大新闻 Big big?
相当大 Oh, pretty darn big.
有趣了 Intriguing.
猜猜谁跟莫宁·兰道夫订婚了 Guess who's engaged to Morning Randolph?
什么 What?
看样子是没人告诉过你 Obviously, no one told you,
否则你应该会告诉我的 or you would've said something to me.
不过 恭喜了 But I guess-- congratulations!
这太扯了 Okay, that is crazy.
真的 疯疯癫癫的 Seriously loony tunes crazy.
只是告诉你一下我听到的消息 Just tellin' you what I heard.
-从哪听到的 -不重要 - From who? - Not important.
我跟莫宁·兰道夫订婚 That I am engaged to Morning Randolph?
那个人可是非常确定 她都看见戒指了 This person was pretty sure. She saw a ring.
戒指 天 我都不知道该说什么了 A ring? Jesus. I don't even know what to do with that.
要么是有人在耍你 要么是他们疯了 Either someone is fucking with you, or they're just nuts.
我知道你为什么会生气 Look, I totally get why you'd flip out.
但我发誓这不是真的 But I swear, it is not true.
我用我小孩的命来发誓 I swear on the lives of my children.
首先 订婚 First of all, engaged?
我 Me?
我还在付前面三个的赡养费呢 I'm still paying off the first three.
而且如果我要再来一次 你知道的 And if I was ever gonna do it again, you know... you know...
我爱你 I love you.
还有 莫宁·兰道夫 开什么玩笑 And Morning Randolph? Are you kidding me?
她都是杜鲁门那个时代的人了 She's been around since, like, Truman was president.
我觉得二战都有飞机是根据她命名的 Seriously, I think they named planes after her in World War II.
真的 I mean...
好吧 Okay.
这 这不太公平 Okay, this-- this is not fair.
我显然是有毛病 Look, clearly, I have a problem.
我脑子已经坏掉了 I-I-I'm a deeply damaged person.
这是病 It's-It's a sickness.
我有很严重的问题 There's something profoundly wrong with me.
但这是因为我对你们俩都很在乎 But it's only because of how much I care for you both
我实在是不能... that I haven't been able to...
还有 之前用我小孩的生命发誓 By the way, that stuff about the lives of my children--
只是说着玩的 that's just an expression.
上帝懂的 God knows that.
还有 我不知道你听到了多少 And can I just say, I don't know how much you heard,
但是关于二战什么的 but that crap about World War II,
你也知道我 就是满嘴跑火车 you know me, I just-- "Blah, blah, blah."
你知道我有多在乎 I mean, you know how much I care for--
不是说要夺走 Which is, you know, not to take anything away from...
我编不出来了 Yeah, I got nothing.
我要擦掉《妓女》了 All right, I'm erasing Whores.
-赛车妓女怎么样 -什么 - What about racing whores? - What?
妓女开着车 竞速 Whores in cars, competing.
不 No!
为什么不行 Why not?
因为没有这种节目 Because it's not a show.
目前没有 Yet.
-拜托 -不是吧 - Oh, come on. - Seriously?
-罗杰 -琳达 - Roger. - Linda.
-这个电话我必须得接 -拜托 - I got to do this one. - Oh, come on.
你觉得我很乐意干这事吗 What, you think I'm having fun?
想象一下我们什么感觉 Well, imagine what it's like for us.
我们得把尸体运到波士顿去 Yo. We got to ship the body to Boston.
该你了 Your turn.
喂 琳达 Hello, Linda.
锁匠还没来 There's still no locksmith.
等一下 Hang on.
是贝佛利安排的 Beverly made those arrangements.
喂 Hello again.
锁匠 Locksmith.
在路上 Is on his way.
他应该分分钟就到了 He should be there any minute.
是从全佳开锁公司来的 He's from All-A Locksmith,
名字叫 我的个天 and his name is-- God, help me--
雅厄 Yarl.
-雅厄 -雅厄 - Yarl? - Yarl.
不不不 叫马特接电话 No. No, no. Put Matt on.
我要跟马特说话 I want to talk to Matt.
恐怕他现在在忙着安排 I'm afraid right now he's making arrangements
把尸体运到波士顿 to ship the body to Boston.
什么 What?
阻止他 Stop him.
叫他接电话 Just put him on.
该死 叫他接电话 God damn it, put him on!
该死 她要找你 God damn it, she wants you.
我再打给你 I'll call you back.
-怎么 -你不能埋掉他 - What? - You cannot bury him.
你说什么呢 What are you talking about?
他一定要火化 He's got to be cremated.
-谁说的 他说的 - Who says? - He says.
他想要火化 He wants to be cremated,
想要骨灰洒进大海 and he wants his ashes scattered at sea.
大海 At sea?
他唯一在海里干过的事就是撒尿 The only thing he ever did in the sea was piss in it.
他写在遗嘱里了 It's in his will.
我操了 行吧 Fuck me. Fine.
再打给罗杰 Call Roger back.
告诉他尸体要火化 Tell him the body needs to be cremated.
烦死人 Pain in my ass.
喂 Hello?
-调整一下 -什么 - Adjust. - What?
调整一下 Adjust.
-好点了吗 -好点了 - Better? - Better.
你改主意了吗 要来吗 So, you change your mind? You coming in?
我不来 而且也没有葬礼了 No, I'm not coming, and there's not gonna be a funeral.
那是什么意思 What does that mean?
他想火化 Apparently, he wants to be cremated.
他想 He wants?
谁管他想做什么 Who cares what he wants?
就不能让他按照我的想法做一次吗 For once, let him do what I want.
-他写在遗嘱里了 -天 - It's in his will. - Oh, Jesus.
那棺材要怎么办 So what am I supposed to do with the casket?
什么棺材 What casket?
我刚才在好市多买了棺材 I just bought a casket at Costco.
好市多还卖棺材 They sell caskets at Costco?
-就在轮胎旁边 -退掉就是了 - Next to the tires. - So just return it.
万一他们不给退呢 What if they won't take it back?
那我要怎么办 What am I supposed to do with it?
不知道 堆在车库里 I don't know. Stick it in the garage.
你总有一天会用到 You're gonna need it eventually.
-喂 -让马特接电话 关于骨灰的事 - Hello? - Get me Matt. Tell him it's about the ashes.
红色杨木外壳 Cherry poplar
-香槟色天鹅绒内饰 -你猜是谁 - with a champagne velvet interior. -Guess who?
-她想说说关于骨灰的事 She wants to talk about the ashes.
什么 What?
我什么时候能拿到骨灰 When am I getting them?
才不要把骨灰给那个婊子 That whore's not getting the ashes.
-那是我的骨灰 -为什么要给你 - Those are my ashes! - Why do you get 'em?
不是说要洒向大海吗 I thought they were supposed to be scattered at sea.
大海 At sea?
他以为他是肯尼迪家族 What is he, a Kennedy?
我才应该是撒骨灰的那个人 I'm supposed to be the scatterer!
胡扯 Bullshit!
他是我丈夫 He's my husband.
你不要插手 我们这里有水 You keep your hands off him. We got water here.
-我来撒 -我来撒 - I'm scattering. - I'm scattering.
-少废话 我来撒 -是罗杰 有问题 - Bullshit! I'm scattering! - It's Roger. There's a problem.
-我来撒 -天啊 等一下 -操你的 - I'm scattering! - Oh, God. Hold on! - Fuck you.
-你个婊子 操你的 -怎么了 - You whore, fuck you. -What?
刚跟殡仪馆通过电话 I just got off with the mortuary.
他们现在不能火化他 要等几周 They can't cremate him for at least a couple of weeks.
几周 Weeks?
说是积压了很多人 Apparently, there's some big backlog.
你有没有打出老友记的招牌 Did you play the Friends card?
我当然打出了老友记的招牌 Of course I played the Friends card.
我还提出给他们去看《箱子》的门票 I offered them tickets to the The Box.
我说你会跟他们合照 I said you would take a picture with them.
-也没到那个程度 -他们倒是说 - Well, let's not go crazy. - They did tell me--
这事咱们私下里说 And this is totally off the record--
这事可能有一点点回旋余地 There might be a little bit of wiggle room
前提是 你们拿到的骨灰不一定非得是他的 if the ashes... don't have to be his.
靠 如果不一定非得是他的 Well, shit, if they don't have to be his...
-门铃 -你们能去开一下吗 - Doorbell. - Oh, can you let him in?
是道具商店的人 It's the guy from the prop house.
十分感谢能来帮这个忙 Hey, thanks so much for doing this.
都是哥们 Hey. For you?
-看起来太棒了 -可不是嘛 - Wow, these look great. - They should.
这个以前在《哈洛与慕德》里用过 This one was used in Harold and Maude.
还有第一部《教父》和《母女情深》 It was also in the first Godfather. Terms of Endearment.
履历比你还漂亮 It's got better credits than you.
另一个主要拍的电视剧 The other one's mostly done TV.
它最先是出演了《法医昆西》 It started off in Quincy.
-你还记得 -杰克·克鲁格曼嘛 记得 - You remember-- - Jack Klugman. Sure.
看着挺棒的 Well, they look great.
它们来这里做什么来着 And they're for what again?
我在帮侄儿做一个学生电影 I'm helping my nephew out with a student film thing.
真是个好叔叔 You're a good uncle.
我需要两周后把它们接回来 I need them back in, like, two weeks.
当然 没问题 谢谢了 Yeah. Absolutely. No problem. Thanks again.
你肯定不会还回去了 You're never gonna return those.
怎么 还能把我抓起来 What, are they gonna arrest me?
来吧 牛排都要凉了 Come on. Steaks are getting cold.
真奇怪 It's weird.
每次我做牛排 都会想到我爸 Every time I make a steak, I think about my father.
一块又大又厚 鲜嫩多汁的牛排 Like a big, thick, juicy...
就是那种连一头牛都会觉得 you know, the kind of steak even a cow would go,
那是应该的 我完全理解 "Nope, that's fair. I totally get it."
为什么会想到你爸 And why your father?
他给我做了第一次超棒的牛排 He made me my first great steak.
我那时候五岁 I was, like, five,
他带了一大盒特别棒的肋眼牛排回家 and he came home with this big box of these unbelievable rib eyes.
他是从我的娄叔叔那里收到的 He got 'em from my "Uncle" Lou.
据说那一盒是从卡车上掉下来的 Apparently, the box had "Fallen off the truck."
那些牛排简直太他妈好吃了 These steaks were so fucking amazing.
那不是挺好的 Well, there you go.
你爸还是做了一些好事 So your father did do something positive.
是吗 接着听 Yeah, wait.
晚饭后我去给我们的狗狗蒂皮喂骨头 After dinner, I go to give our dog Tippy one of the bones.
别告诉我你们吃的是蒂皮 Do not tell me you were eating Tippy.
什么 不是 我天 What? No. Jesus.
抱歉 我听你那个语气 Sorry, but the way you said it.
-我刚也这么想 -不是 - No, I went there too. - No!
我父亲拿蒂皮换了那一盒牛排 My father traded Tippy for the box of steaks.
不过他还活着 But he was alive.
他把我的狗送人了 He gave away my dog.
-你才5岁 -确实 - You were five. - Yeah, no,
-谁会干这种事 -显然是很糟糕了 - Who does that? - Obviously it's terrible.
别一副放松了的样子 Stop being relieved!
不 我懂的 No, I get it.
肯定的 Yeah, yeah, totally.
就没人觉得这事很糟心吗 Is no one else troubled by this at all?
什么 What?
你让两位女士非常开心 You're making two ladies very happy.
希望她们别再他妈打电话了 And hopefully they stop fucking calling.
你就不担心她们会闻到隐约的西冷牛排味 And you don't worry they'll notice a vague sirloin-y aroma?
如果她们去闻别人的骨灰 Hey, if they're sniffing a dead guy's ashes,
那她们的问题就大了 they got bigger problems.
那你爸就什么好事也没干过吗 So did your father really do nothing good? At all?
一次美好的回忆也没有 Not one nice memory?
他有次带我们去迪士尼 He once took us to Disney World.
-不错啊 -那挺棒的啊 - Well, okay. - That's something.
不过他不想排队 Except he didn't want to wait in any of the lines,
所以去搞了一辆二手儿童轮椅 so he gets this used child's wheelchair.
-什么 -没有吧 - Come on! - He did not.
然后他给我剃了头 Then he shaved my head.
-不会吧 -不可能 - No. - Oh, stop it.
我发誓 我还跟米老鼠拍照了 Swear to God. I got pictures with Mickey.
你意识到了吗 这就是你要拍的戏 You realize that's your show.
什么我想拍的戏 What's my show?
父亲是个骗子 The father is a con man.
油嘴滑舌 专干坏事 Shifty. Conniving.
但又很有魅力 But still charming.
你觉得我爸有魅力 You thought my father was charming?
他有他的魅力 In his way.
他眼睛会闪光 但还是个混蛋 Twinkle in his eye. But still a bastard.
儿子很不一样 假设他是个警察 The son is very different. Let's say he's a cop.
也许是个刑警 专抓他父亲那样的人 Maybe a detective who goes after people like his father.
好的 Right.
然后主要是关于他们之间非常复杂的 And it's all about their incredibly complicated
爱恨恨恨交织的关系 love/hate/hate/hate relationship.
我有点喜欢 I kind of like that.
我感觉我可以演警察 I could see me playing a cop.
不不不不 不 你演父亲 Oh, no, no, no. No, you're the father.
什么 不可能 我才不会演那个混蛋 What? No fuckin' way. I'm not playing that asshole.
那个角色更好 It's the better part.
行 我演父亲 Yeah, I'm the father.
殡仪馆的人打过来了 So, the guy from the mortuary called back.
说是他老婆非常喜欢你的节目 Turns out, uh, his wife's a big fan of your show.
-是吗 -我承诺了一堆门票 各种 - Yeah? - Promised him a ton of tickets. VIP tour. The whole deal.
你得拍张合照 You will have to take a picture.
行 Fine.
不过把你爸插队排到第一个了 But it got your dad bumped to the front of the line.
今天下午把他火化了 They did him this afternoon.
-这就是他 -这就是他 - This is him? - This is him.
-天 -是的 - Jesus. - Yeah.
-他真沉 -我知道 - He's heavy. - I know.
-要来杯喝的吗 -我约的晚餐要迟到了 - You want a drink or something? - I'm late for a dinner.
-跟谁约的 -就一个客户 - With who? - Just a client.
-谁 -一个客户 - Who? - A client.
-布拉德利·库柏 -你为什么要这样 - Bradley Cooper? - Why do you do this?
我爱你 哥们 好吗 I love you, bud. All right?
行吧 Fine.
混蛋 Fucker!