前情提要
要拍什么樣的戲 盡管說想法 Okay, so what's the show? Let's just toss things out.
-我演總統怎么樣 -哪個星球的總統 - What if I'm the president? - Of what planet?
我們慢慢來 We'll take it slow.
你想怎么樣 我都配合你 I will take it any way you want to give it to me.
你和默克 You and Merc?
實際上 In fact...
這什么 What's this?
我不知道該跟她說什么 I don't know what I'm gonna tell her.
你不要跟她說任何事 You're gonna tell her nothing.
什么也不要說 That's what you're gonna tell her.
她會恨你這個傳話的 There's a reason "Hug the messenger" is not an expression.
你還好吧 Are you okay?
戲里戲外 第五季第五集
這太棒了 Oh, this is so nice.
我都不記得我們上次來是什么時候 I can't remember the last time we were here.
也不記得上次你穿高跟鞋是什么時候 Or the last time I saw you in big-girl shoes.
對啊 Oh, I know.
腳很激動 今晚是要有艷遇了嗎 My feet were like, "Are we getting laid tonight or what?"
順便 這頓我請 By the way, this is on me.
-不不不 -要的要的 - Oh, no, no, no. - Yes, yes.
我想請你 I want to do this.
這頓飯是為了謝謝你 It's my thank-you lunch.
謝什么 For?
謝謝你對我這么好 For being an amazing friend.
我不知道好在哪里 Well, I don't know how amazing--
胡說 Bullshit.
要不是你 我根本走不出來 I could not have gotten through this without you.
還有抗抑郁藥 And Prozac.
-還有抗抑郁藥 -還有大麻 - And Prozac. - And weed.
那是肯定的 但是 Well, sure, but...
我不能帶著大麻來吃午飯 I can't take weed to lunch.
我敢肯定如果現在翻你的包 I'm sure if we went through your purse,
就會知道你沒說真話 we'd find that's not true.
我還帶了一點 I also have a little bit of--
-你好 -你好 我是AJ - Hi. - Hi. I'm AJ.
-今天由我來服務你們 -你好AJ - I'll be your waiter today. - Yeah, hi, AJ.
-你能給我們兩分鐘嗎 -當然 - Can you just give us a sec? - Absolutely.
-準備好了隨時叫我 -謝謝 - Whenever you're ready. - Thank you.
我還帶來了一點新聞 I also have a little bit of news.
-你跟默克分手了 -什么 不是 - You broke up with Merc. - What? No.
那行 你說 All right, well, you go.
-其實那個部分還挺順利的 -很好 - Actually, that part is going great. -Great.
我可能懷孕了 I might be pregnant.
天啊 親耳聽見這句話感覺真奇怪 God, it feels so weird to hear it out loud.
我還沒告訴默克 I haven't told Merc yet.
你是第一個 You're the first.
連心理醫生都沒告訴 Not even my shrink.
可能還是要告訴他一聲 He should probably be looped in.
主要問題是 我想 The thing is, I think--
別激動 Okay, do not freak.
我想生下這個孩子 I think I want to keep it.
一定要找你心理醫生談談 Definitely talk to your shrink.
我知道 我知道 I know, I know.
我一直說根本不想要孩子 I always said I never wanted one,
但現在 我在想 but now, I'm thinking...
干嗎不生 Why not?
你知道嗎 You know?
我都快37了 I mean, I'm almost 37.
我都39了 I'm 39.
默克和我現在狀況有很好 And Merc and I are in such a good place.
好吧 Okay.
感覺像是命中注定一樣 It's like this was kind of meant to be.
我只能做這個壞人了 May I just play devil's advocate here?
默克跟莫寧·蘭道夫有一腿 Merc is screwing Morning Randolph.
-什么 -而且他們訂婚了 我很抱歉 - What? -And they're engaged. I'm sorry.
這不可能 That's not possible.
還沒好 AJ Not yet, AJ.
我跟她聊過 I spoke with her.
我看見戒指了 I saw the ring.
還有戒指 There's a ring?
我很抱歉 I'm sorry.
-大嗎 -這重要嗎 - Is it big? - Does it matter?
-有多大 -你別這樣 - How big? - Don't do this to yourself.
有多大 How big?
大概 Like...
那就跟瑪利亞·凱利的一樣大了 That's, like, Mariah Carey big.
-好啦也沒有那么大但是 -那也夠大了 - All right, not that big, but-- - Jesus, that's still big!
我不知道 我覺得挺大的 I don't know. It looked big to me,
而且 很閃 and it... sparkled a lot.
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
多久了 How long?
他們訂婚多久了 Have they been engaged?
你知道多久了 How long have you known?
沒多久 Not long.
多久了 How long?
一周 A week.
一周 A week?
你都知道一周了 You've known for a week?
我想告訴你的 I wanted to tell you.
我感覺很糟糕 I felt so awful.
-真的 AJ -我拜托你 - Seriously, AJ. - Come on, AJ.
聽我說 Look.
我懂的 I get it.
但默克才是壞人 But it's Merc who's the villain here.
別生我的氣 生他的氣 Don't be mad at me. Be mad at him.
我覺得 I think... yeah...
我對你們倆都很生氣 I think there's enough mad for both of you.
要更氣他才對 Well, be madder at him.
一周了 A week?
你別 Well, don't--
如果你什么時候 You know, if you're ever
閑著沒事 在回顧自己 just sittin' around, thinkin',
還有什么特別殘忍的事情沒有做過 "What are the cruelest things I never got to do?"
這一項可以劃掉了 Off your bucket list.
我的天啊AJ Jesus, AJ!
好 Right.
我們聊了這么多內容 Is there anything we've talked about so far
有大家都喜歡的嗎 that we actually like?
有值得嘗試的嗎 Anything worth pursuing?
我還是喜歡《妓女》 I still like Whores.
不就網飛在拍嗎 那又怎么樣 So Netflix is doing it. So what?
有兩個版本的《卡波特》 There were two Capotes.
兩個版本的《喬布斯》 Two Steve Jobs.
你真的要把卡波特和喬布斯 Are you really comparing Truman Capote and Steve Jobs
跟妓女相比嗎 to Whores?
你說得對 No, you're right.
《妓女》會有人看的 I'd watch Whores.
別人已經在拍了 They're already doing it.
去他的網飛 Fuckin' Netflix.
要把全部時間都投入到別人已經在制作的戲里 It's just crazy to invest all our time in a show
-有點瘋狂 -行吧行吧 - that's already being done. -Yeah, yeah.
我實在是很喜歡《妓女》 I just like Whores so much.
我爸的女友 My father's girlfriend.
忽略掉 Just ignore it.
-行 -可能有急事 - Okay, so-- - Maybe it's important.
煩人 Pain in the ass.
我跟你爸坐在廚房 So, I'm sitting in the kitchen with your father,
我跟他說 你想吃午飯嗎 and I say to him, "Do you want lunch?
我做了雞蛋沙拉 金槍魚沙拉 I've got egg salad. I've got tuna salad."
他說 我不喜歡你的金槍魚沙拉 And he says, "I don't like your tuna salad."
我說什么時候的事 你喜歡我的金槍魚沙拉 So I go, "Since when? You love my tuna salad."
他說 And he says,
自從你開始用那個輕蛋黃醬就不喜歡了 "Not since you started using that shitty light mayonnaise."
-琳達 -等我說完 - Linda-- - Let me finish.
他說 我才不吃 里面有屎 So he says, "I'm not eating it with that crap in it."
所以我們就上車 開到塔吉特超市 So we get in the car, we schlepp over to Target--
-琳達 -怎么 - Linda! - What?
你為什么要講這個故事 Is there a point to this?
他死了 He's dead.
-什么 -他死了 - What? - He's dead.
-我的老天 -天啊 - Dear Lord. - Oh, my God.
-等一下 我爸死了 -死了 - Wait, my father is dead? - Dead.
他正拿起一瓶蛋黃醬 So, he's picking up a jar of mayonnaise.
那種大瓶的 One of those stupid big ones.
就算他活著 等我們吃完那瓶醬 Even if he lived, he'd be dead
也差不多該死了 by the time we finished that thing.
然后突然一下 他 And all of a sudden, he goes--
瓶子掉了 蛋黃醬灑的到處都是 The jar drops. There's mayonnaise everywhere.
他就倒下了 我還在想 He just falls over, and I'm thinking,
我們還得賠這瓶蛋黃醬 "Now we're gonna have to pay for that."
-死了 -對 死了 - Dead? - Yes! Dead!
有這么難理解嗎 Why is this so difficult?
-那他現在在哪 我不知道 - So where is he now? - I don't know.
救護車來把他帶走了 The ambulance people came and took him away.
-去哪了 -我怎么知道 - Where? - How do I know?
-就帶走了 -老天 - They just took him. - Jesus Christ.
最棒的部分是 我現在困在這了 Oh, and the best part is, i'm stuck here now.
什么 What?
車鑰匙在他身上 Yeah, the car keys were in his pocket.
現在他死了 So now he's dead,
我像個傻瓜一樣站在超市 and I'm standing here at Target like a schmuck.
他們說沒說我們該怎么辦 What--so did they say what we do now?
怎么辦 你來接我 What we do now is you come and pick me up!
我不來接你 I'm not coming to pick you up.
我得去找他 你叫個出租車 I got to find his body. Call a cab.
我叫不了出租車 I can't call a cab.
錢在他身上 我沒錢 He had the money. I have no money.
你是女王還是怎么的 Who are you? The Queen?
錢都不帶你怎么出門 How do you leave the house without money?
下次我會記得帶上錢包 Next time, I'll remember to bring my wallet
免得我老公突然死翹翹 in case my husband drops dead
把我一個人晾在超市 and leaves me stranded at Target.
他才不是你老公 He's not your husband.
你去吃屎吧 Oh, go fuck yourself, okay?
去吃屎 Just go fuck yourself.
這是我這輩子最糟糕的一天 This is the worst day of my life!
行吧行吧 Yeah. Yeah.
我去找找他人 等一下 I'll try to track him down. Hang on.
給她叫個優步 Call her an Uber.
-我得處理這事 -當然 - I got to do this. - Of course.
你好 勒布朗太太 Hello, Mrs. LeBlanc--
她才不是勒布朗太太 She's not Mrs. LeBlanc.
讓他去吃屎 Tell him to go fuck himself.
經常的 As often as I can.
你是誰 Who is this?
我們見過 Actually, we've met.
我是貝佛利·林肯 This is Beverly Lincoln.
發型奇怪的那個 The one with the hair?
那肯定就是我了 That could certainly be me.
你想做什么 What do you want?
馬特叫我們來送你回家 Matt has asked us to help you get home.
你在哪 Where are you?
在調料區 In condiments.
不 我是說你在哪個店 No, I mean, where is the store situated?
我們得給詳細坐標 We need to give them the coordinates.
我記得你了 Oh, I remember you now.
我在塔吉特 I'm at Target.
哪一家塔吉特 Okay, which Target?
拉西尼加 La Cienega.
拉西尼加的塔吉特 The Target on La Cienega.
我聽到了 I heard her.
去超市門口等著 Okay, go wait in front of the store.
-我們給你叫一輛優步 -一輛啥 - We're gonna get you an Uber. - A what?
-優步 -油布 - An Uber. - An ubah?
別帶口音 Say it without the accent.
-優步 -天 - Uber. - Oh, Jesus.
我把電話給肖恩 I'm gonna turn you over to Sean.
他詳細跟你溝通 He can give you the details.
你好 勒布朗太太 Hello, Mrs. LeBlanc.
她才不是勒布朗太太 She's not Mrs. LeBlanc!
操你的 Fuck you!
你的司機名字叫阿姆賈德 Your driver's name is Amjad.
-什么 -阿姆賈德 - What? - Amjad.
-阿姆賈德 -阿姆賈德 - Amjad? - Amjad.
-有人叫這種名字 -他六分鐘以后到 - That's a person? - He'll be there in six minutes.
-你怎么知道 -我電話上顯示的 - How do you know? - It's on my phone.
你不是在跟我通電話嗎 I'm on your phone.
我還有一個電話 I have another phone.
誰用兩部電話啊 Who has two phones?
不 我不 No, I-- don't--
重點是你的優步司機 阿姆賈德 The point is your Uber driver, Amjad--
油布 阿姆賈德 Ubah. Amjad.
讓馬特接電話 Just put Matt on.
讓他接 Just put him back on!
等一下 Hang on.
好的 謝謝你 你去吧 Ok, thank you. Go ahead.
行 我找到人了 All right, I found the body.
我現在得找個喪禮公司去取他 Now I got to get a funeral home to go pick it up.
她堅持要跟你說話 She's insisting on speaking to you.
她好像不明白什么是優步 She doesn't seem to understand Uber,
而且對司機阿姆賈德有意見 and she has issues with her driver Amjad.
她現在心煩意亂 She's clearly distraught.
我來處理 Let me handle it.
琳達 Linda.
坐你的優步 Take the fucking Uber.
搞定 Done.
真抱歉 I'm so sorry.
她是挺煩的 Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.
不 關于你父親 No, about your father.
那事啊 That.
人死不能復生 Well, what're you gonna do?
我們就不打擾了 你去處理吧 So, we'll get out of your hair and let you deal with this.
不不不 別走 給我幾分鐘 No, no, no. Stay. I just need, like, a second.
然后接著工作 Then we can get back to work.
馬特·勒布朗在一號線 Matt LeBlanc on one.
哥們 怎么了 Hey, bud. What's up?
我爸剛死了 My father just died.
-不會吧 -倒在塔吉特超市 - Aw, no. - Dropped dead at Target.
天 也太慘了 Jesus, that is sad on so many levels.
所以我 So I, uh,
我需要一家喪禮公司去接他 I need a funeral home to go and pick up the body.
-你能不能... -包在我身上 - Can you-- - I'm on it.
把詳細信息發給我 要是還有其他事需要 Text me the info, and if there's anything else I can--
給我談一部漫威的版權 Yeah, get me a Marvel franchise.
一件一件來 One thing at a time.
說到哪了 Okay, where were we?
你確定現在有心情工作嗎 Are you sure you're up for this?
當然 怎么了 Sure, yeah, why not?
我很抱歉 你剛剛失去了父親 Well, I'm sorry, but you just lost your father.
你一定有一些情緒的 You must be feeling... something.
我有情緒 I feel stuff.
我覺得很煩 I feel annoyed...
必須去處理這攤事 that I have to handle this shit.
我覺得很輕松 I feel relieved...
那個討厭的琳達不再電話騷擾我了 that stupid Linda's off the phone.
我覺得很生氣 I feel angry...
生網飛的氣 at Netflix.
我還有點餓 And I'm also a little hungry.
可能是因為剛剛一直在說什么蛋黃醬 Probably all that mayonnaise talk.
有沒有人想要個三明治 Anyone want a sandwich?
你不會現在真的要吃蛋黃醬吧 You're not really eating mayonnaise now?
沒錯 Yep.
我要直面死神 I'm gonna look death in the face...
然后涂滿全麥面包 and then I'm gonna spread it on whole wheat
外加火雞和瑞士奶酪 with some turkey and Swiss.
我得說 I've got to say, so far today,
這是你今天最好的主意 this is the best idea you've had.
是蛋黃醬給的靈感 It's the mayonnaise.
就假設 Let's say
你現在打開電視 you could turn on your TV right now
可以看任何你想看的節目 and watch anything you wanted.
你想看什么 What would it be?
不能是《妓女》 And it can't be Whores.
什么都行 Anything at all.
什么 What?
我還是應該打給我媽 I should probably call my mother.
真的 現在 我們現在正靈感迸發呢 Really? Now? When we're on a roll?
應該告訴她一聲 Yeah, well, I should let her know.
嚴格說來 他們還是夫妻 Technically, they're still married.
-你開玩笑吧 -沒有 - You're joking. - Nope.
她堅持了四十年不肯離婚 40 years she wouldn't give him a divorce.
一直說"直到死亡把我們分開" She was all about "Till death do us part."
所以今天算是償清了 So today's quite the payoff.
給我兩秒鐘 你們繼續 Just two seconds. Keep going.
-喂 -媽 - Hello? - Ma?
-喂 -媽 - Hello? - Ma.
戴上你的助聽器 Put your hearing aids in.
等一下 我去戴助聽器 Hold on, I'm putting my hearing aids in.
喂 Hello?
媽 有噪音 Ma. Feedback.
等一下 Hold on.
我聽不見 I can't hear.
有噪音 媽 Feedback. Ma?
我討厭這些破玩意 I hate these damn things.
媽 Ma?
-喂 -你能聽見了嗎 - Hello? - Can you hear me now?
-喂 -媽 - Hello? - Ma?
-我把它取了 -戴上 - I took it out. - Put it back.
等一下 Hold on.
天 調一下 Jesus Christ. Adjust it.
調一下 Adjust it!
-好點嗎 -好點了 - Better? - Yeah. Yeah, better.
有什么新消息 So, what's new?
爸死了 Dad's dead.
-什么 -他死了 - What? - He's dead.
怎么 What?
死了 Dead.
他整個人都懵了 He's so shut down.
他什么時候不懵了 You're assuming there's something there to shut.
你也看見他們在一起是什么樣子 You saw what they were like together.
我知道 但那是他父親 No, I know, but it's his father.
-琳達 -操 - Linda. - Fuck.
-我不行 我不行 -上次我接的 - I can't do it. I can't. - I was last up.
行行行 Fine, fine, fine, fine.
喂 Hello.
那個誰還沒到呢 What's-his-name's still not here yet.
等一下 那是肖恩負責的 Hang on. That's Sean's department.
喂 琳達 Hello, Linda.
他還沒到 He's still not here.
-等一下 我查查 -我站不住了 - Hang on, let me check. - I'm starting to melt.
-上面說他應該到了 -告訴上面他沒到 - It says he should be there. - Well, tell it he's not.
-他開著一輛起亞 -他在宜家 - He's in a Kia. - IKEA?
我都說了是塔吉特 I told you Target!
-塔吉特 -他開著一輛起亞 - Target! - He's in a Kia.
-一輛什么 -起亞 - A what? - A Kia.
-起亞 -起亞 - A Kia? - A Kia.
起亞 A Kia?
等一下 我打給他 貝佛利來接電話 Hang on. Let me call him. Here's Beverly.
喂 Hello again.
喂 阿姆賈德 Hello, Amjad?
是什么樣的起亞 What type of Kia is it?
是一輛白色起亞銳歐 It's a white Kia Rio.
-一輛起阿銳歐 -不是 - A Kiario? - No.
那輛起亞的型號是銳歐 The model of the Kia is a Rio,
顏色是白色 and the color is white.
你有看見一輛白車嗎 Do you see a white car?
我旁邊就有一輛 Yeah. I'm standing right next to one.
跟她招手 Wave to her.
那是起亞銳歐 That's a Kia Rio?
那是輛起亞銳歐 Yes, that's a Kia Rio,
-然后那位司機 -天啊 - and the gentleman-- - Oh, Jesus.
我沒有鑰匙 I have no key.
鑰匙在他口袋里 He had the keys in his pocket.
我進不了家 I can't get into the house.
我不知道該跟你說什么 I'm not sure what to tell you.
太糟糕了 告訴馬特我被鎖在門外了 God damn it. Tell Matt I'm locked out.
我需要他的鑰匙 I need his key.
他現在在和他媽媽通話 I'm afraid he's on with his mother.
-他媽被鎖在門外了嗎 -應該沒有 - Is she locked out? - I don't think so.
那就去她的 讓他接電話 Then fuck her. Just put him on.
等一下 Hang on.
我就是想告訴你一聲 I just wanted you to know.
-我說不清楚 -抱歉打擾一下 是琳達 - I don't know. - I'm so sorry. It's, uh, Linda.
她說她被鎖在門外了 需要你的鑰匙 She says she's locked out and she needs your key.
我沒有鑰匙 I don't have a key.
你怎么會沒有鑰匙 How do you not have a key?
-是你住在那 -你要不拿著電話 - You live there. - Would you like the phone?
不 叫個鎖匠過去 No, call in a fucking locksmith.
當然 Absolutely.
真是越來越精彩了 It only gets better.
給誰叫個鎖匠 Get who a locksmith?
琳達 Linda.
誰 Who?
琳達 Linda.
我應該不認識哪個叫琳達的人 I don't believe I know anyone by that name.
行了 媽 All right, Ma.
那個婊子 That whore.
反正吧 就是這個事 Anyway, that's the news.
等一下 他怎么回來 Wait, how's he getting back here?
-誰 -你爸啊誰 - Who? - Your father, who.
-回來做什么 -他的葬禮 - For what? - His funeral.
-什么葬禮 -什么葬禮 - What funeral? - "What funeral?"
那個混蛋都這樣對你了 After everything that asshole did?
他仍然是我丈夫 He's still my husband.
我得把他安葬入土 I get to put him in the ground.
行吧 我 Fine, I'll...
我想辦法把他運回去 I'll figure out a way to ship him back.
好 Good.
我現在要去超市 Now, I got to go to Costco.
-給你買點什么 -為什么 - What should I get you? - For what?
你得過來參加 Well, you're coming in for this.
-我才不 -他是你父親 - No, I'm not. - He's your father.
那像什么樣 How's it gonna look?
他四十年前拋棄我們的時候像什么樣 How'd it look 40 years ago when he walked out on us?
忘了吧馬特 他都死了 Oh, let it go, Matthew. He's dead.
跟上帝在一起了 He's with God.
我表示懷疑 I doubt that.
喂 Hello?
-在這呢 -寶貝 - In here! - Hey, babe.
我有大新聞 So, I've got some big news.
真的大新聞 Big big?
相當大 Oh, pretty darn big.
有趣了 Intriguing.
猜猜誰跟莫寧·蘭道夫訂婚了 Guess who's engaged to Morning Randolph?
什么 What?
看樣子是沒人告訴過你 Obviously, no one told you,
否則你應該會告訴我的 or you would've said something to me.
不過 恭喜了 But I guess-- congratulations!
這太扯了 Okay, that is crazy.
真的 瘋瘋癲癲的 Seriously loony tunes crazy.
只是告訴你一下我聽到的消息 Just tellin' you what I heard.
-從哪聽到的 -不重要 - From who? - Not important.
我跟莫寧·蘭道夫訂婚 That I am engaged to Morning Randolph?
那個人可是非常確定 她都看見戒指了 This person was pretty sure. She saw a ring.
戒指 天 我都不知道該說什么了 A ring? Jesus. I don't even know what to do with that.
要么是有人在耍你 要么是他們瘋了 Either someone is fucking with you, or they're just nuts.
我知道你為什么會生氣 Look, I totally get why you'd flip out.
但我發誓這不是真的 But I swear, it is not true.
我用我小孩的命來發誓 I swear on the lives of my children.
首先 訂婚 First of all, engaged?
我 Me?
我還在付前面三個的贍養費呢 I'm still paying off the first three.
而且如果我要再來一次 你知道的 And if I was ever gonna do it again, you know... you know...
我愛你 I love you.
還有 莫寧·蘭道夫 開什么玩笑 And Morning Randolph? Are you kidding me?
她都是杜魯門那個時代的人了 She's been around since, like, Truman was president.
我覺得二戰都有飛機是根據她命名的 Seriously, I think they named planes after her in World War II.
真的 I mean...
好吧 Okay.
這 這不太公平 Okay, this-- this is not fair.
我顯然是有毛病 Look, clearly, I have a problem.
我腦子已經壞掉了 I-I-I'm a deeply damaged person.
這是病 It's-It's a sickness.
我有很嚴重的問題 There's something profoundly wrong with me.
但這是因為我對你們倆都很在乎 But it's only because of how much I care for you both
我實在是不能... that I haven't been able to...
還有 之前用我小孩的生命發誓 By the way, that stuff about the lives of my children--
只是說著玩的 that's just an expression.
上帝懂的 God knows that.
還有 我不知道你聽到了多少 And can I just say, I don't know how much you heard,
但是關于二戰什么的 but that crap about World War II,
你也知道我 就是滿嘴跑火車 you know me, I just-- "Blah, blah, blah."
你知道我有多在乎 I mean, you know how much I care for--
不是說要奪走 Which is, you know, not to take anything away from...
我編不出來了 Yeah, I got nothing.
我要擦掉《妓女》了 All right, I'm erasing Whores.
-賽車妓女怎么樣 -什么 - What about racing whores? - What?
妓女開著車 競速 Whores in cars, competing.
不 No!
為什么不行 Why not?
因為沒有這種節目 Because it's not a show.
目前沒有 Yet.
-拜托 -不是吧 - Oh, come on. - Seriously?
-羅杰 -琳達 - Roger. - Linda.
-這個電話我必須得接 -拜托 - I got to do this one. - Oh, come on.
你覺得我很樂意干這事嗎 What, you think I'm having fun?
想象一下我們什么感覺 Well, imagine what it's like for us.
我們得把尸體運到波士頓去 Yo. We got to ship the body to Boston.
該你了 Your turn.
喂 琳達 Hello, Linda.
鎖匠還沒來 There's still no locksmith.
等一下 Hang on.
是貝佛利安排的 Beverly made those arrangements.
喂 Hello again.
鎖匠 Locksmith.
在路上 Is on his way.
他應該分分鐘就到了 He should be there any minute.
是從全佳開鎖公司來的 He's from All-A Locksmith,
名字叫 我的個天 and his name is-- God, help me--
雅厄 Yarl.
-雅厄 -雅厄 - Yarl? - Yarl.
不不不 叫馬特接電話 No. No, no. Put Matt on.
我要跟馬特說話 I want to talk to Matt.
恐怕他現在在忙著安排 I'm afraid right now he's making arrangements
把尸體運到波士頓 to ship the body to Boston.
什么 What?
阻止他 Stop him.
叫他接電話 Just put him on.
該死 叫他接電話 God damn it, put him on!
該死 她要找你 God damn it, she wants you.
我再打給你 I'll call you back.
-怎么 -你不能埋掉他 - What? - You cannot bury him.
你說什么呢 What are you talking about?
他一定要火化 He's got to be cremated.
-誰說的 他說的 - Who says? - He says.
他想要火化 He wants to be cremated,
想要骨灰灑進大海 and he wants his ashes scattered at sea.
大海 At sea?
他唯一在海里干過的事就是撒尿 The only thing he ever did in the sea was piss in it.
他寫在遺囑里了 It's in his will.
我操了 行吧 Fuck me. Fine.
再打給羅杰 Call Roger back.
告訴他尸體要火化 Tell him the body needs to be cremated.
煩死人 Pain in my ass.
喂 Hello?
-調整一下 -什么 - Adjust. - What?
調整一下 Adjust.
-好點了嗎 -好點了 - Better? - Better.
你改主意了嗎 要來嗎 So, you change your mind? You coming in?
我不來 而且也沒有葬禮了 No, I'm not coming, and there's not gonna be a funeral.
那是什么意思 What does that mean?
他想火化 Apparently, he wants to be cremated.
他想 He wants?
誰管他想做什么 Who cares what he wants?
就不能讓他按照我的想法做一次嗎 For once, let him do what I want.
-他寫在遺囑里了 -天 - It's in his will. - Oh, Jesus.
那棺材要怎么辦 So what am I supposed to do with the casket?
什么棺材 What casket?
我剛才在好市多買了棺材 I just bought a casket at Costco.
好市多還賣棺材 They sell caskets at Costco?
-就在輪胎旁邊 -退掉就是了 - Next to the tires. - So just return it.
萬一他們不給退呢 What if they won't take it back?
那我要怎么辦 What am I supposed to do with it?
不知道 堆在車庫里 I don't know. Stick it in the garage.
你總有一天會用到 You're gonna need it eventually.
-喂 -讓馬特接電話 關于骨灰的事 - Hello? - Get me Matt. Tell him it's about the ashes.
紅色楊木外殼 Cherry poplar
-香檳色天鵝絨內飾 -你猜是誰 - with a champagne velvet interior. -Guess who?
-她想說說關于骨灰的事 She wants to talk about the ashes.
什么 What?
我什么時候能拿到骨灰 When am I getting them?
才不要把骨灰給那個婊子 That whore's not getting the ashes.
-那是我的骨灰 -為什么要給你 - Those are my ashes! - Why do you get 'em?
不是說要灑向大海嗎 I thought they were supposed to be scattered at sea.
大海 At sea?
他以為他是肯尼迪家族 What is he, a Kennedy?
我才應該是撒骨灰的那個人 I'm supposed to be the scatterer!
胡扯 Bullshit!
他是我丈夫 He's my husband.
你不要插手 我們這里有水 You keep your hands off him. We got water here.
-我來撒 -我來撒 - I'm scattering. - I'm scattering.
-少廢話 我來撒 -是羅杰 有問題 - Bullshit! I'm scattering! - It's Roger. There's a problem.
-我來撒 -天啊 等一下 -操你的 - I'm scattering! - Oh, God. Hold on! - Fuck you.
-你個婊子 操你的 -怎么了 - You whore, fuck you. -What?
剛跟殯儀館通過電話 I just got off with the mortuary.
他們現在不能火化他 要等幾周 They can't cremate him for at least a couple of weeks.
幾周 Weeks?
說是積壓了很多人 Apparently, there's some big backlog.
你有沒有打出老友記的招牌 Did you play the Friends card?
我當然打出了老友記的招牌 Of course I played the Friends card.
我還提出給他們去看《箱子》的門票 I offered them tickets to the The Box.
我說你會跟他們合照 I said you would take a picture with them.
-也沒到那個程度 -他們倒是說 - Well, let's not go crazy. - They did tell me--
這事咱們私下里說 And this is totally off the record--
這事可能有一點點回旋余地 There might be a little bit of wiggle room
前提是 你們拿到的骨灰不一定非得是他的 if the ashes... don't have to be his.
靠 如果不一定非得是他的 Well, shit, if they don't have to be his...
-門鈴 -你們能去開一下嗎 - Doorbell. - Oh, can you let him in?
是道具商店的人 It's the guy from the prop house.
十分感謝能來幫這個忙 Hey, thanks so much for doing this.
都是哥們 Hey. For you?
-看起來太棒了 -可不是嘛 - Wow, these look great. - They should.
這個以前在《哈洛與慕德》里用過 This one was used in Harold and Maude.
還有第一部《教父》和《母女情深》 It was also in the first Godfather. Terms of Endearment.
履歷比你還漂亮 It's got better credits than you.
另一個主要拍的電視劇 The other one's mostly done TV.
它最先是出演了《法醫昆西》 It started off in Quincy.
-你還記得 -杰克·克魯格曼嘛 記得 - You remember-- - Jack Klugman. Sure.
看著挺棒的 Well, they look great.
它們來這里做什么來著 And they're for what again?
我在幫侄兒做一個學生電影 I'm helping my nephew out with a student film thing.
真是個好叔叔 You're a good uncle.
我需要兩周后把它們接回來 I need them back in, like, two weeks.
當然 沒問題 謝謝了 Yeah. Absolutely. No problem. Thanks again.
你肯定不會還回去了 You're never gonna return those.
怎么 還能把我抓起來 What, are they gonna arrest me?
來吧 牛排都要涼了 Come on. Steaks are getting cold.
真奇怪 It's weird.
每次我做牛排 都會想到我爸 Every time I make a steak, I think about my father.
一塊又大又厚 鮮嫩多汁的牛排 Like a big, thick, juicy...
就是那種連一頭牛都會覺得 you know, the kind of steak even a cow would go,
那是應該的 我完全理解 "Nope, that's fair. I totally get it."
為什么會想到你爸 And why your father?
他給我做了第一次超棒的牛排 He made me my first great steak.
我那時候五歲 I was, like, five,
他帶了一大盒特別棒的肋眼牛排回家 and he came home with this big box of these unbelievable rib eyes.
他是從我的婁叔叔那里收到的 He got 'em from my "Uncle" Lou.
據說那一盒是從卡車上掉下來的 Apparently, the box had "Fallen off the truck."
那些牛排簡直太他媽好吃了 These steaks were so fucking amazing.
那不是挺好的 Well, there you go.
你爸還是做了一些好事 So your father did do something positive.
是嗎 接著聽 Yeah, wait.
晚飯后我去給我們的狗狗蒂皮喂骨頭 After dinner, I go to give our dog Tippy one of the bones.
別告訴我你們吃的是蒂皮 Do not tell me you were eating Tippy.
什么 不是 我天 What? No. Jesus.
抱歉 我聽你那個語氣 Sorry, but the way you said it.
-我剛也這么想 -不是 - No, I went there too. - No!
我父親拿蒂皮換了那一盒牛排 My father traded Tippy for the box of steaks.
不過他還活著 But he was alive.
他把我的狗送人了 He gave away my dog.
-你才5歲 -確實 - You were five. - Yeah, no,
-誰會干這種事 -顯然是很糟糕了 - Who does that? - Obviously it's terrible.
別一副放松了的樣子 Stop being relieved!
不 我懂的 No, I get it.
肯定的 Yeah, yeah, totally.
就沒人覺得這事很糟心嗎 Is no one else troubled by this at all?
什么 What?
你讓兩位女士非常開心 You're making two ladies very happy.
希望她們別再他媽打電話了 And hopefully they stop fucking calling.
你就不擔心她們會聞到隱約的西冷牛排味 And you don't worry they'll notice a vague sirloin-y aroma?
如果她們去聞別人的骨灰 Hey, if they're sniffing a dead guy's ashes,
那她們的問題就大了 they got bigger problems.
那你爸就什么好事也沒干過嗎 So did your father really do nothing good? At all?
一次美好的回憶也沒有 Not one nice memory?
他有次帶我們去迪士尼 He once took us to Disney World.
-不錯啊 -那挺棒的啊 - Well, okay. - That's something.
不過他不想排隊 Except he didn't want to wait in any of the lines,
所以去搞了一輛二手兒童輪椅 so he gets this used child's wheelchair.
-什么 -沒有吧 - Come on! - He did not.
然后他給我剃了頭 Then he shaved my head.
-不會吧 -不可能 - No. - Oh, stop it.
我發誓 我還跟米老鼠拍照了 Swear to God. I got pictures with Mickey.
你意識到了嗎 這就是你要拍的戲 You realize that's your show.
什么我想拍的戲 What's my show?
父親是個騙子 The father is a con man.
油嘴滑舌 專干壞事 Shifty. Conniving.
但又很有魅力 But still charming.
你覺得我爸有魅力 You thought my father was charming?
他有他的魅力 In his way.
他眼睛會閃光 但還是個混蛋 Twinkle in his eye. But still a bastard.
兒子很不一樣 假設他是個警察 The son is very different. Let's say he's a cop.
也許是個刑警 專抓他父親那樣的人 Maybe a detective who goes after people like his father.
好的 Right.
然后主要是關于他們之間非常復雜的 And it's all about their incredibly complicated
愛恨恨恨交織的關系 love/hate/hate/hate relationship.
我有點喜歡 I kind of like that.
我感覺我可以演警察 I could see me playing a cop.
不不不不 不 你演父親 Oh, no, no, no. No, you're the father.
什么 不可能 我才不會演那個混蛋 What? No fuckin' way. I'm not playing that asshole.
那個角色更好 It's the better part.
行 我演父親 Yeah, I'm the father.
殯儀館的人打過來了 So, the guy from the mortuary called back.
說是他老婆非常喜歡你的節目 Turns out, uh, his wife's a big fan of your show.
-是嗎 -我承諾了一堆門票 各種 - Yeah? - Promised him a ton of tickets. VIP tour. The whole deal.
你得拍張合照 You will have to take a picture.
行 Fine.
不過把你爸插隊排到第一個了 But it got your dad bumped to the front of the line.
今天下午把他火化了 They did him this afternoon.
-這就是他 -這就是他 - This is him? - This is him.
-天 -是的 - Jesus. - Yeah.
-他真沉 -我知道 - He's heavy. - I know.
-要來杯喝的嗎 -我約的晚餐要遲到了 - You want a drink or something? - I'm late for a dinner.
-跟誰約的 -就一個客戶 - With who? - Just a client.
-誰 -一個客戶 - Who? - A client.
-布拉德利·庫柏 -你為什么要這樣 - Bradley Cooper? - Why do you do this?
我愛你 哥們 好嗎 I love you, bud. All right?
行吧 Fine.
混蛋 Fucker!
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