真好 大家能一起吃饭 This is nice, that we all get to eat together.
超棒 Absolutely.
大家能放下手机 Can we maybe put the phones down
来点人类的真实交流吗 and have an actual human conversation?
可以是可以 We can,
但多谢了史蒂夫·乔布斯 but thanks to Steve Jobs,
我们不用那么麻烦 we don't have to.
各位 Guys, guys,
-我要说一件你们不会信的事 -什么事 - you're never gonna believe this. - What happened?
我要在电视剧上露脸啦 I just got a part on a TV show!
-恭喜你 -太好了 - Congratulations! - What? That's great!
你们几个 Guys!
-好耶 -佩妮真棒 - Oh, yeah! - Yay, Penny!
是哪部电视剧 What's the show?
叫海军罪案小卖部 Um, NC...II...
NCIS 海军罪案调查处 美国知名电视影集
还是海军罪案性病处之类的 or, you know, NCSTD... I don't know,
反正就是剧名全是字母的剧啦 it's-it's the one with the letters and I'm gonna be on it!
-真是太好了 -对啊 - That's amazing. - Yeah.
你演什么角色 What's your part?
我演餐厅里的客人 Um, I play a customer in a diner
然后跟男主马克·哈蒙调情 and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
马克·哈蒙 Ooh, Mark Harmon,
他是个男神啊 he's a dreamboat.
就调情戏而已吗 So I-it's just flirting?
是啊 怎么了吗 Well, yeah. Why?
没怎么 Uh, no reason.
我只是觉得有些事 I just think it's sexier when things are
在想象时最美 left to the imagination.
此言大大差矣 He's wrong.
生活大爆炸 第七季 第十二集
我看到一篇研究 说养狗的男人 So I-I read a study that says a man with a dog
要到女生电话的几率比不养狗的高三倍 is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.
就算那让狗舔舌头上的花生酱 Is it true even when the man lets his dog
这男性几率也成立吗 lick peanut butter off his tongue?
为何会不成立 I don't see why not.
如果你真的对女人这么饥渴 If you're really desperate to meet women
又喜欢别人从你嘴里吃东西 and like having food eaten out of your mouth,
我可以介绍我妈给你 I could set you up with my mom.
这有什么好笑 Why is that funny?
这超不卫生 That's just unhygienic.
玩笑而已 It's a joke.
我不这么认为 I don't think so.
我认为一个笑话 I believe that a joke
是简短的口头小故事 is a brief oral narrative
带有着超幽默的剧情反转 with a climactic humorous twist.
举个例子 沃罗威茨的母亲超肥 For example, uh, Wolowitz's mother is so fat
她决定节食 that she decided to go on a diet...
或锻炼 或双管齐下 or exercise, or both.
听到没 See?
反转就是人们通常死性不改 The twist is that people don't usually change.
就是不会改嘛 Well, they don't.
各位 别忘了 Hey, guys, don't forget,
明晚我参演的电视就播出啦 my episode's on TV tomorrow night.
-我们会去看的 -要带什么吃的吗 - We'll be there. - Can we bring anything?
你真是太好了 Oh, that's so sweet of you,
但我打算从这里顺点吃的回去 but I was gonna steal food from here.
你懂 我请客嘛 You know... my treat.
慢着 如果霍华德的母亲也去 Wait, if Howard's mother is coming,
你就应该还顺点弹珠 then you should also steal marbles.
因为她有肥胖症 Because she's obese,
河马也超肥 and hippos are obese,
而在受欢迎的桌游"饥饿河马"中 and in the popular board game "Hungry Hungry Hippos,"
它们吃弹珠 they eat marbles.
也许我该对你们说傻逼点的笑话 Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.
莱纳德 你觉得我好笑吗 Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
不 No.
你自己觉得呢 Do you?
我觉得我超级好笑 I think I'm hysterical.
我收回刚才这句 I take it back.
你这句的确好笑 That was funny.
但哲学家亨利·柏格林说 The philosopher Henri Bergson says
当人类表现得和物体一样时 就会很好笑 it's funny when a human being behaves like an object.
他这段子在相声秀上肯定火啊 I bet that bit killed at The Chuckle Hut.
他不表演单口相声 Oh, he didn't perform stand-up comedy,
他是个哲学家 he was a philosopher.
我想我们已经找到你不好笑的问题所在了 You know, I think we're zeroing in on your problem.
也许我应该花点时间 Perhaps I'll spend some time
形成统一的喜剧理论 developing a unified theory of comedy,
可以让我随时激发 which will allow me to elicit laughter
任何人的笑声 from anyone at any time.
除非取悦对象是德国人 Unless they're German,
因为他们的笑点太高了 'cause that's a tough crowd.
你要致力于让别人与你共欢笑吗 Are you set on people laughing with you?
因为如果你对被嘲笑没意见的话... 'Cause if you're cool with at you...
我不明白 I don't get it.
拉杰 你说你今晚会带个伴 Raj, when you said you were gonna bring a date
去看佩妮的电视剧 to watch Penny's thing tonight,
我没想到你指的是斯图尔特 I didn't think you meant Stuart.
是吗 Really?
我从来没想过 I never for a second
还有可能是其他人 thought it'd be anything else.
我昨晚差点泡到个妞 但结果还是吹了 I almost met someone last night, but I blew it.
我在遛小桂子 I was walking Cinnamon
那个女生自我介绍 and this girl introduced herself,
她太可爱了 我慌了 but she was so cute I panicked
我说 比起交谈 and said, "Wouldn't it be easier
我们互相闻菊花不是更简单吗 if instead of talking we could just sniff each other's butts?"
斯图尔特也有独特的可爱之处 Well, Stuart's cute in his own way.
我还是宝宝时 When I was a baby,
我妈妈管我叫她的小负鼠 my mother called me her little possum.
负鼠可爱吗 Are possums cute?
简直是魔鬼 Not at all.
如果你这么害怕 If you're so intimidated
和美女交谈 by talking to attractive girls,
也许你应该练习和普通人说话 maybe you should practice by talking to regular people.
你是说肥猪和恐龙妹吗 You mean like fatties and uggos?
或者干脆都别说话了 Or maybe just stop talking.
我是认真的 I'm serious.
去商场 随便找个人说话当练习 Go to the mall, talk to anybody, practice--
这样的话 等你真有机会跟一个美女说话 that way, when you eventually do talk to a cute girl,
就不会觉得那么害怕了 it won't be so scary.
或者继续跟负鼠约会算了 Or just keep dating the possum.
帕尔萨没有那方面的资源 Parsa doesn't have those kind of resources.
不 所以他让艾琳·佩斯重发一遍 No, and that's why he had Erin Pace rewire it...
我真为你感到骄傲 I'm so proud of you.
-我都还没有出场呢 -我知道 - We haven't even gotten to my scene yet. - I know,
但你即将成为电视明星 but you're going to be a TV star
而你还没有甩掉我 这需要莫大的勇气啊 and you haven't left me yet. That takes guts.
我不知道你感觉如何 I don't know about you,
-但这让我感到非常不舒服 -为什么 - but I'm very uncomfortable with all this. - Why?
我之前从来没看过这个剧 I've never seen this show before
而现在居然让我从246集看起 and now I'm starting with episode 246?
这有违自然规律 It's unnatural.
你就把前面245集当是前传嘛 Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
好吧 All right.
好啦 各位 我要出场啦 Okay, shh. Guys, guys, this is it.
现在就剩咱俩了 小姑娘 I guess it's you and me, kid.
你有何目的 What are you doing?
我是来讲和的 I'm trying to make peace.
-我们没事啊 -很好 - We're good. - Good.
-真的吗 -开什么玩笑 - Really? Because... - Are you kidding me?
怎么了 What's wrong?
餐厅的场戏没了 Well... the diner scene.
我餐厅那场戏呢 Where's my diner scene?
别问我 Well, don't ask me.
等我看完前传再说 我现在迷糊了 Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
不对啊 应该有一场我和马克·哈蒙的对手戏 No, there was supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon,
-但不见了 -怎么会这样 - but I-it's... gone. - What happened?
一定是他们剪掉了 They must've cut it.
可怜的佩妮 Oh, Penny...
真为你感到惋惜 I'm... I'm sorry.
-太过分了 -我肯定你演得很棒 - That stinks. - I'm sure you were great.
这不合理啊 This doesn't make any sense.
我是说 I mean, I...
我以为自己演得很好 我... I thought I did a... a really good job, I...
失陪一下 Excuse me.
我一直在学习如何逗人发笑 I've been studying how to make people laugh.
他们说喜剧就是 They say that comedy
悲剧加上时间 is tragedy plus time.
我们去逗她开心吧 Let's tickle some ribs.
不 爸 No, Dad,
我不认为他们剪掉我的戏份 I don't think they cut me out of the show
是因为我太漂亮 because I was too pretty.
不要 我不用你亲自出马 No, I don't need you to come out
毒打马克·哈蒙一顿 and kick Mark Harmon's ass.
爸 我得挂了 Daddy, I gotta go.
我爱你 再见 I love you. Bye.
你还好吗 How you doing?
家里都乱成一锅粥了 Ugh, this is such a disaster.
我父母把我所有亲戚都叫过来 My parents had all my relatives over.
他们还买了根六英尺长的三明治 They got one of those six-foot sandwiches,
还把我弟弟从戒毒所接出来一天 and got my brother a day pass out of rehab and...
现在他人不见了 ...now he's missing
那超大根三明治也不见了 and the sandwich is missing, and...
他们可能已经到了墨西哥了吧 They're probably in Mexico by now.
真丢脸 So humiliating.
你还是得到了那个角色 You still got the part.
那可是巨大的成就啊 That's a huge accomplishment.
对 但这次本来会是我的突破 Yeah, but this was supposed to be my break, okay?
人们会在这剧中看见我 People were gonna see me in this show
然后会演变成更大的效应 and it was gonna lead to bigger things.
更多试镜 更多角色 More auditions, more parts...
而现在这些都不可能发生了 Now none of that's gonna happen.
亲爱的 你在剧中不过就三句台词而已 Honey, you only had, like, three lines.
所以本来这些就不可能发生 That wasn't gonna happen anyway.
-我信了你的邪 -拜托 - Unbelievable. - Come on...
不 我不是那个意思 no, that's not what I meant.
-那你是什么意思 -我不是... - Then what did you mean? - I don't...
有时候说话不一定非得要有意思 Look, you know, words don't always have to mean things.
我觉得你是说你不相信我的实力 I think you meant that you don't believe in me.
不是 Nope.
我可能不知道我刚是什么意思 I might not know what I-I meant,
但我知道我肯定没有那个意思 but I know that I didn't mean that.
我绝不会这样 不可能 Not this guy. Oh, no way.
我要你 现在 I want you, right now,
-如实告诉我你真实的想法 -好的 - to give me your 100% honest opinion. - Right.
你到底认为我有没有能力 Do you think I have what it takes
-成为真正的女演员 -有 to really make it as an actress? - Yes.
所以你认为我能上电视 So you think I'll be on TV
拍电影 并且获奖吗 and in movies and win awards.
-说实话 -好 实话说 - Honestly? - Yes, honestly.
我不这么认为 I don't.
你怎么能这样说呢 How could you say that?
我不知道 I don't know...
当你说"说实话"时 我脑子就不转了 I got all confused when you said "honestly".
我觉得你有演员天赋 Look, do I think that you are talented
你外表出众吗 and that you are beautiful?
我当然觉得 Of course I do.
但洛杉矶满大街都是有天赋 But isn't Los Angeles full of actresses
外表出众的女演员啊 who are just as talented, just as beautiful?
算了 这个晚点再说 All right, look... we'll come back to that.
不 别停 继续说 No, please. Don't stop, go on.
告诉我 老娘这辈子就是服务员的命 Tell me how I'm gonna be a waitress for the rest of my life.
我可没这么说 That is not what I said.
听着 我认为你很棒 Look, I think you're really good.
真心的 I truly do.
但是你奋斗的目标实在是太困难了 But this is an incredibly hard thing that you're shooting for.
我是说 普通人想成为成功演员的机会 I mean, the odds of anyone becoming a successful actor
实在是难于上青天啊 are like a million to one.
谢谢你的"安慰" Wow, thank you.
早知道就让谢尔顿来了 Should've let Sheldon come.
这倒挺有意思的 This is interesting.
有某些耍幽默方式的关键 Apparently, a key component in some forms of humor
就是要让人吓一跳 is the element of surprise.
有道理 Well, that makes sense.
前额皮质的主要功能就是 The prefrontal cortex is responsible for
计划和预测 planning and anticipation,
大脑受到损伤的病患会 and patients with brain lesions on their...
脑损伤 Brain lesions!
谢尔顿 你吓死我了 Sheldon, you scared me.
一点也不好笑 That wasn't funny.
我看是你的前额皮质被棍捅了吧 Or maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
得了吧 你自以为读了几本书 Okay, the notion that you can read a few books
就能找出绝对的搞笑理论 也太荒谬了 and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd.
真正的幽默是 I mean, humor is
神经上错综复杂的 a complex neurological...
-这个挺好笑的 -大功告成 - Okay, that's pretty good. - Excellent.
那个女的怎么样 How about her?
不行 No!
不能找太漂亮的 No pretty girls!
我们得先从普通人开始练习 The point is to talk to regular people
-然后慢慢提到漂亮女孩 -好吧 - and work our way up to pretty girls. - Fine.
那位带着助步器的老太太怎么样 How about that old lady with the walker?
这得看情况了 That depends.
在某种角度上看 你觉得她性感呢 On any level, do you think she's hot?
还是找下一位吧 We'll find somebody else.
金橘 Kumquat?
凑合吧 I guess.
软油膏 Ointment?
行 Sure.
那么你觉得软油膏是比金橘 Now, would you say ointment
更好笑 一样好笑 还是更不好笑呢 is more, equal to, or less funny than kumquat?
我再也不想和你一起玩了 I don't think I want to go out with you anymore.
你别跟我开玩笑了好吗 Will you please stop joking around?
我可是认真地在比较呢 I'm trying to figure this out.
谢尔顿 你打算还要问多少个词啊 Sheldon, how many words are you gonna go through?
全部词 All of them.
你的戏份没有被砍 You didn't get your part cut.
好了宝贝 听我说 All right, baby, here's the deal.
你的戏份也没有被砍 And you didn't get your part cut.
一帮老得不能勃起的老头子 Yep, bunch of old guys rocking out in a band,
蹦蹦跳跳玩乐团 all with erectile dysfunction,
你们的戏份居然也没有被砍 you didn't get your part cut!
能和你聊聊吗 Can we talk?
可以聊 但佩妮的部份可能会被砍掉 We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
我之前实在太差劲了 That was really crappy of me.
演员这一行要出名实在不容易 What you're trying to do is hard,
但也有人成功过 but people do make it,
我发自内心地相信你也能是成功的一员 and I really do believe you could be one of them.
谢了 Thank you.
而且 And...
为了表示我对你有信心 to show you how much I believe in you,
我帮你争取到了一个试镜机会 I kind of got you an audition.
真的吗 什么戏 Are you serious? For what?
-最新的《星球大战》电影 -什么 - The new Star Wars movie. - What?!
你怎么办到的 How did you manage that?!
现在正好有个网上活动 自己录一段影 There's this thing online, you put yourself on tape
发送过去 任何人都有机会 and just send it in-- anyone can do it.
拜托 莱纳德 这不过是宣传的噱头而已 Come on Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
那又怎么样 就算是噱头 你还是有优势啊 So? Even if it is, you have a huge advantage
你可是货真价实的女演员呢 because you're an actual actress.
其他参加试镜的都是些怪咖和宅男 Most of the people doing this are just weirdoes and nerds.
沃罗威茨前两天就把他的录像发过去了 Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
够了 别说这事了 Really, let it go.
听我说 也许这事希望渺茫 Look, maybe it is a long shot,
但有时皇天不负有心人 but sometimes long shots happen.
卢克·天行者只有一次机会 Luke Skywalker was only given one chance
毁灭死星 to destroy the Death Star.
他必须把鱼雷投进一个废气口 He had to get a torpedo into an exhaust port
可气口只有2米宽而已 that was only two meters wide,
但在原力的帮助下 他终于... but with the help of The Force, he...
我感觉到你对我的恨意 Wow, I can feel you hating me right now.
那边穿着运动装快走的女士怎么样 How about that lady in the sweat suit, speed-walking?
她人看着挺和善 挺容易 Yeah, she seems friendly and easy to...
没戏了 她走得不见人影了 Never mind, she's gone.
看来和人交流还是太难了 Yeah, maybe talking to people is too hard.
我们可以去百货商店 We could go over to that department store,
用人体模特进行练习啊 practice on the mannequins.
不知道 I don't know.
那些模特穿得很有型 They're dressed very stylishly.
估计个性也是跩翻天 They're probably stuck-up.
这一切太荒唐了 This is ridiculous.
下一个走过来的人 The next person that walks by,
不管是什么人 都是我们的交流对象 no matter who it is, they're the one.
我们这辈子注定死在这里了 We're gonna die here.
-你们好 -你好啊 - Hello. - Hey.
谢尔顿呢 Where's Sheldon?
他窝在家里努力用科学的方法 He's home trying to use science
研究幽默的本质呢 to determine the basis of humor.
-那可挺有趣的 -是累死人才对 - That's interesting. - It's exhausting.
你们知道一个"敲敲门笑话" Do you have any idea how hard it is
以谢尔顿的方式来讲会有多难笑吗 to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with,
"敲敲敲 艾米" "Knock-knock-knock, Amy,
"敲敲敲 艾米 敲敲敲 艾米" knock-knock-knock, Amy, knock-knock-knock, Amy"?
你想让他闭嘴 If you want him to stop,
有时候假笑几声就是最简单的办法 sometimes the easiest thing to do is just fake a laugh.
假笑 Fake a laugh?
你这招也用来对付过我吗 Do you ever do that with me?
当然没有啦 No, of course not.
反正我能看得出来 Well, I'd be able to tell anyway.
我不觉得 I don't think you would.
拜托 我曾逗得大把女生笑得花枝乱颤 Please, I've made plenty of girls laugh,
有时候约她们出去就超级有笑点了 sometimes just by asking them out.
你就假笑吧 我还假高潮呢 Yeah? Well, I fake my orgasms.
一百朵长茎红玫瑰多少钱 Yes, how much for a hundred long-stemmed red roses?
真的吗 Really?
三朵呢 How much for three?
我等下再打 Yeah, I'll call you back.
我知道你是想用《星战》什么的 Look, I know you were just trying to help
来鼓励我 with your Star Wars thing.
我不是有意评价为"白痴"的 I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
我想你给出的评价不是"白痴" Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
抱歉 我本来想评价为"白痴" Sorry, I meant to.
总之 我只是跟我自己过不去 Anyway, um, I was just upset with myself.
我并没有生你的气 I wasn't mad at you.
我只是觉得人生支离破碎了 I just feel like everything is falling apart.
别这样 没事的 Come on. It's okay.
不 有事 看我混的 No, it's not okay! Look at me, okay?!
多年以前打了份服务员的临时工 I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago,
现在还在做 and I'm still doing it.
我不能辞职 猜猜原因 I can't quit, because guess what?
其它工作我都做不了 I can't do anything else.
我终于等来了事业大转折 And I finally get my big break,
结果机会就这样没了 and it goes away!
我太失败了 I'm such a mess.
-你不失败 -是吗 - No, you're not. - Really?!
今天早上在星巴克 'Cause this morning at Starbucks,
一条脏内裤从我裤管里掉了出来 a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg!
只掉了一条 里面还有 And it wasn't the only one in there.
听我说 这只是一点小挫折 Okay, listen to me, this is just a minor setback.
这不是 明白吗 No, it's not, okay?!
我已经离家十年了 I've been out here for, like, ten years!
我依然一无所有 I've nothing to show for it!
你有我啊 Well, you have me.
你是对的 You're right.
我的确拥有你 I do have you.
咱们结婚吧 Let's get married.
什么 What?
莱纳德·霍夫斯塔德 Leonard Hofstadter...
你愿意娶我吗 will you marry me?
你刚才那一声是在犹豫吗 Did you seriously just say, "Um"?!
你知道我爱你 Look, you know I love you,
但你喝醉了 一时伤心迷惘 but-but you're-you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
好吧 你不想娶我吗 Okay, so-so you don't want to marry me?!
我不是这样说的 That is not what I said.
算了 我收回求婚 就当我没说过 No, forget it! I take it back! Offer's off the table!
谁想好好乐一乐 Who's in the mood to laugh?!
真的不是什么好时机 Really not a good time.
但我运用科学构建了最完美的笑话 But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
-我走了 -佩妮 别走 - I'm gonna go. - Penny, don't.
不 我要一个人安静下 No, no, I just need to be alone.
经典笑话段子的开头大合集
三明治 犹太牧师 So, a sandwich, a rabbi
和你老妈走进一间酒吧 and yo mama walk into a bar.
-你去哪里 -我的房间 - Where are you going? - To my room.
-我应该跟着你吗 -不用 - Should I follow you? - No.
-莱纳德 等等 -什么事 - Leonard, wait. - What?
我忘了告诉你 这三明治很淫乱 I forgot to tell you the sandwich is promiscuous.
那边长凳上的家伙怎么样 How about those guys on that bench over there?
一脸悲催样 They look pathetic.
我打赌和他们有共同话题 I bet we could talk to them.
那边是镜子 That's a mirror.
是的 Oh, yeah.
小伙子 商场要关门了 Hey, fellas, mall's closing.
-抱歉 -晚安 - Sorry. - Yeah. Good night.
打扰下 Uh, excuse me.
什么事 Yeah?
你喜欢做商场保安吗 Uh, do-do you like being a mall security guard?
还行 It's all right.
和你聊天很开心 Okay, nice talking to you.
高手啊 Smooth...!
睡不着吗 Can't sleep?
睡不着 No.
想聊聊吗 Would you like to talk about it?
佩妮向我求婚 我没答应 Penny proposed, and I didn't say yes.
为什么 Why not?
问得好 That's a good question.
这意味着你们分手了吗 Does that mean the relationship is over?
我不知道 I don't know.
你为什么不问她 Why don't you ask her?
因为我害怕知道答案 Because I'm afraid to know the answer.
太遗憾了 I'm sorry.
就这样吗 That's it?
你不打算来一个蹩脚笑话 You're not gonna make some dumb joke
或是发表令人哭笑不得的评论吗 or some inappropriate comment?
不 No.
你是我的朋友 You're my friend, and...
我为你惋惜 I'm sorry.
你刚在我背上贴了一张"踢我"的字条吗 Did you just put a "Kick me" sign on my back?
没 No.
那样怎么会好笑呢 That wouldn't be funny at all.
《星战》试镜 第一拍 Star Wars audition, take one...
霍华德·乔尔·沃罗威茨饰演 starring Howard Joel Wolowitz,
我是货真价实的宇航员哦 real-life astronaut.
维达在这里 Vader is here...
现在 在这个月亮上 now... on this moon.
我感觉到了他的存在 I felt his presence.
他冲我来了 He's come for me.
我在附近他就会感觉到 He can feel when I'm near...
要我跟你说多少遍 How many times do I have to tell you
厕纸用完了就得补充新的 to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?!
-我有重要事正忙到一半 -我也是 - I'm in the middle of something! - So am I!